Archive of Our Own

Hyunjin has been called a serial romantic multiple times. He's tried to find out on search engines what that could entail, to no luck. The best of his searches has come in the form of a Sims 4 forum about a dumb aspiration your character can have in a game. It's a love aspiration, to live the best sim life your sim can have by dating a lot of people and getting their happy ending eventually.

Hyujin loves this idea. In theory. A lot of people have taken good luck at him and assumed he was set for life, with a pretty face like his there must be countless individuals, of all gender expressions, ready to move mountains to make it work. 

Perhaps there's a bit of truth to it; however, in theory, all sounds great. It's what he thinks about romance books and dramas, the content he consumes the most. It's all fun and games to read about people falling in love, having your stomach turn and twist with emotions; to see the new main leads of a show finally share that kiss that erupts all sorts of feelings in your body. But in real life, attraction doesn't work in similar ways. In real life, all it takes for Hyunjin isn't a share of looks in a coffee shop or a group project to bond. It takes a bit more effort and consolidation. 

It takes genuine care and concern for his personality and desire, one aspect of dating that often his partners neglect. He's been on dates and has had flings and they all felt shallow and short-lived, clear by the way the interest of his partners settled down once they realised Hyunjin was no party animal, no serial flirter. 

He was just looking for a genuine connection, one that makes him feel the way the scene in his painting makes him feel. He lets out his emotions easily on canvas, the flick of brushes that suddenly turn into two blurry figures kissing while a sunset he has yet to finish adorns the background. It was originally by the beach, his favourite spot, but it's been long substituted by grass — mostly because he had bought a recent tube of green paint he hadn't tested. 

The only area of his life where he could be spontaneous without overthinking his decisions was in his art studio. "Hyune, have you seen my— Oh,  that's beautiful! Did you paint that now?"

Seungmin, God bless his soul, was the best roommate he could have asked for. They bond fairly quickly considering how different they can be sometimes, and it's easy to let his shell be opened by someone as caring and gentle as his best friend. Sometimes, he deems he has known Seungmin since they were young, rather than the new connection they had crafted in two years. 

"I did, got randomly inspired and had to paint something."

Seungmin takes a close look at the canvas, always so interested in the details and intrications of Hyunjin's paintings. Who took the time to make up stories for whatever draft Hyunjin's brain had come up with. 

"It's so good Hyune. We should hang these in the living room."

Another habit from his best friend determined to make their house a shrine to Hyunjin's paintings. "We can't just use my art on the walls."

"Why not? One day we can charge people to come around just to stare at them." Seungmin was serious about it, which only made his heart fill with love. 

He appreciates the effort to which Seungmin goes to enthuse about his pieces, even if they're just works of an amateur with too much time on his hands and a lot of sleepless nights. The balcony of their apartment makes up for his makeshift studio, courtesy of, yet again, Seungmin, who despite his lanky figure had quite the hand for arts and crafts and assisted in building the little studio he mostly calls his safest place. 

In return, Hyunjin is always prepared to help Seungmin the best he can, because there's nothing in the world he wouldn't push for, no mountains he wouldn't move for his best friend.

"What were you looking for? Let me clean up and I'll help." He proposed, looking at the state of his pants. He gets sloppy with his art sometimes, letting the paint stains cover all the most unlikely spots. 

Seungmin helps him tidy around as well, like the good friend he is. "Just my button-up. Having dinner with my family and I want to look somewhat decent." 

"I think that's still in the laundry pile from Monday. We haven't done any laundry this week," He concedes, albeit guilty because it was clear from the schedule that hung from their fridge that it was his weekly laundry duty. 

"That's okay, I guess I'll wear something else." It's good to live with such an understanding roommate sometimes. "Granted, someone who was supposed to do laundry spent the whole week watching dramas on the couch."

"We need to find some bitches, Seungmin." That brings a laugh to Seungmin, a smile that doesn't leave his face. Happiness looks good on his friend. 

"Ditto." 

To no one's surprise, he ends up volunteering to help Seungmin choose an outfit, actively avoiding, yet again, his laundry responsibilities. He recalls having at least three pairs of sweatpants in that pile and he's scheduling a comfortable night tonight, and he needs at least one pair that doesn't stink of food. 

They're sitting by the couch, assembling time before Seungmin has to leave for his family appointment when the boy nervously scoots next to him. He's instantly suspicious of this behaviour; Seungmin is rarely nervous around him. "What's wrong?"

"How can you read me so fast?"

He shrugs. "Soulmate magic."

Seungmin chuckles. "I have something very serious to ask you."

Hyunjin crumbles a bit under the intense stare. He shares everything with Seungmin, even what is deemed too much. Living together has supplied both of them with enough of their ugly sides for secrets to be kept but his brain betrays him, by conjuring at least three hundred scenarios about which this conversation could be headed to. Did he accidentally burn any of Seungmin's shirts the one time he chose the wrong laundry setting and destroyed half of his clothes? What if that shirt had sentimental value, how could he ever replace something if that was the case? 

Instead, Seungmin said: "You know my brother right?"

Knowing is a deep word. He doesn't know Seungmin's brother; he's aware that his best friend has a younger brother, that they have a year apart and when they were younger everyone thought they were twins because of how small of an age gap they have. He is also aware that his brother has some troubles in school and hasn't been able to graduate high school. 

Until now, apparently. "He finally graduated and he wants to come to college."

"Oh, good for him. What is he thinking of doing?"

"Social studies. He enjoys working with people, it seems. I think it will be good for him to work around such a field but that's not even the point." Seungmin shakes his head. "Me and my mom were talking,"

And he understands what's coming next. The apartment they live in belongs to no other than Seungmin's mom. Maybe that's not right, basically, his mom rents houses and this is just another one of the many estates she manages. Family business, Yadda Yadda, Hyunjin's never needed to be aware of the details. 

It's the reason they've been able to live there as young college students. Seungmin's mother pays for Seungmin's part of the rent and allows a discounted price for Hyunjin's side. His job helps him pay for it but he's aware that, without that help, he wouldn't be able to live so comfortably.

With his brother thrown into the mix, it would make sense for the apartment to stop having a stranger in there who doesn't even give them profit. "Do you want me to move out?"

"What?" Seungmin's eyes bug out of his face. "Absolutely not! Where did that thought come from?"

"You were talking about your brother, I assumed it was about him coming to live here!"

"It is but," Seungmin's unbelieving expression eases him momentarily. Like he can't fathom the idea of Hyunjin living far from him. "I wanted to talk with you if you're okay with having him live with us."

The oh dies in his throat. He feels like a fish out of water because he was expecting a kick-out notice and envisioning his situation with a box of his belongings by the door, but the idea of someone else moving in is somehow more terrifying. 

"You have time to think about it and you can say no, by the way!" Seungmin reassures him. "It's just Jeongin doesn't deal well with strangers and we don't want him to end up with an asshole in the dorms, you know? Not everyone gets as lucky as we both did by meeting each other."

Even in this situation, fondness bubbles in his chest for his friend. "I'll think about it, don't worry."

He does think about it after Seungmin leaves for his dinner and he's left alone in the apartment. He ditched the couch to enjoy the moonlight shining in the night sky on the balcony. He always has a chair camped there for his painting sessions, and sometimes he makes use of it when he requires sorting his thoughts. 

He's also wary of strangers, and maybe that's a bonding element he can have with Seungmin's brother. Besides, could it be so bad to share the apartment with someone else? This is Seungmin's blood we are talking about, there has to be some good education thrown in those kids for someone as kind as Seungmin to roam around the planet. 

When his friend comes back, his answer isn't as challenging as his first reaction made it seem: "Of course, he can move in. I'll make him feel welcome."

✶

He's not too worried about the details of moving in. He painted a small picture of Jeongin , consisting of details he knew before such as his age, his education status and the story of how, when they were five he tried to eat a stapler and had a nasty scar on his lips from it. 

Now, there are some other details added: he's not good with strangers but he's good with people, he is studying social studies because he wants to help kids in need — kind and determined; his coffee mug has a lot of foxes on it, an animal his family keeps comparing him too.

It's all unnecessary things that Hyunjin's brain defines would be essential to keep stored in his brain. He's a lover of the arts, of pictures he can paint and visualise. These details are enough to paint a perfect picture of the guy.

Perhaps he shouldn't think of these things in the shower, but it's been a couple of days since Seungmin said the boy would be coming, and in the evening he was psyching himself up for having another member in their shared apartment.

Thankfully classes don't start until next week and they had gathered the time to clean up profoundly, found space around for Jeongin's things and even adjusted their laundry and cleaning schedule to accommodate the younger boy. Hyunjin doesn't particularly enjoy this level of organisation, living on a whim and in every moment, but Seungmin lives practically glued to an excel sheet that controls his life and that involves dragging alongside him to the organised mess. 

(He's sure that's a whole section dedicated to managing Hyunjin's life as well, for which he is thankful. He doesn't know what his life was before he knew Seungmin).

There's also a time that Hyunjin needs to take to mourn what it's about to be their routine. He doesn't suppose he’s jealous that Seungmin is focusing his attention on his brother, but now with someone else added into their equation, what would be of their long nights of talks, while Hyunjin's and Seungmin's carefully crafted playlist echoed in the background (the playlist is named Puppy's guide to roommate stability because even with music Seungmin is meticulous), what would be of their disaster cooking escapades that finish off with sushi in the restaurant down their block? 

You dream too loud, one of his ex-boyfriends had conveyed. He supposes that it can be applied in every area of his life, including with his best friend. 

His mind betrays him when it boils down to the state, expressed easily at the moment, when he steps out of the shower and acknowledges he forgot to bring clothes to put on. It's usually only him and Seungmin and he doesn't have to be careful with his best friend, but it's still bothersome that his room is the farthest away from the bathroom, and he hates having to walk on the cold floor all the way there with just a tower in his waist. 

"Seungmin?" He yells but there's no answer. Guess he has to sacrifice his poor feet for a bit, as he opens the door and steps into the living room slash kitchen moment they have in their apartment. 

That would be mistake number one. He doesn't go further before he hears a mug break on the ground and the face of a stunned person staring at him. 

His brain does a whole twist at the scenario and it communicates with his legs to stay still. At that moment, they just gaped at each other without words tumbling from their mouths. 

Fortunately, he does quick maths in his brain to apprehend that this was no random stranger if the mug shards decorated with foxes say anything. Mistake number two is the outcome of the thought that, in front of him is Seungmin's brother and the boy is fucking captivating. 

He's seen pictures of them when they were younger, faintly remembers braces and a bowl cut. Foolish of him to admit that he hasn't changed in those years. His hair cascades in the back of his neck, a little long but not as long as Hyunjin's and it's blonde. Blonde. 

He senses like he's having a stroke, which is funny because the boy seems to be harbouring the same symptoms. "Shit, I'm so sorry!" The boy spills, and there's a slight accent. "I'm hot and you're Jeongin— wait no, I'm Jeongin and you're hot. Wait—!"

Mistake number three would be his hand travelling to hold his towel tighter. And recognising he is just wearing a towel, moving his hands to cover his chest. God, he's so embarrassed. "I'm so sorry! I thought you would only be coming at the end of the day."

Jeongin came to his senses, crouching down to clean the shards of the broken mug. "I was supposed to, but my mom dropped me here early and I got the key from Seungmin yesterday and — I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

Hyunjin is well aware that he's simply with a towel around his waist, frozen in the spot as his best friend's younger brother cleans the ground and refuses to lock stares with him. Despite that information, he also notices the growing red ears in the boy.

He's so cute, Hyunjin thinks shamefully. The urge to slam his head on the table to shake the thought when he's standing a couple of centimetres ahead of him is disgraceful.

He can't develop a crush on Seungmin's brother. That's like… breaking every rule in the book, ever. But how can he resist when his ears are painted red with embarrassment and he's carefully cleaning the ground, even if all the shards have been picked already, just because he can't seem to find the courage to face Hyunjin?

"Uhm, are you listening to me?" Jeongin's voice interrupts his thoughts, as the boy stands in the middle of the kitchen, shyly making eye contact.

Oh God, how long has it been?

"I should go!" Perhaps Hyunjin is also not good with the humiliation he's handling, running away towards his room right after he finished ogling at his new roommate. 

He doesn't dare to step into the living room for the next hours, even if he had plans to clean the kitchen counter and do groceries. He's mortified for his thoughts, for standing there for Lord knows how long without a shirt, making a full clown of himself. 

How is he going to face the boy now? Or Seungmin for that matter? He feels like he should blame his best friend for bringing the presence into his life, but the look on Jeongin's face, his cute button nose and red cheeks as he lost the words speaking to Hyunjin…

He's been called a serial romantic multiple times, but somehow this has been the hardest he's been hit with the giddy feeling of attraction, at first sight, the one that leaves you unsettled with thoughts and possibilities of what could come next.

He lays in bed, a goofy smile on his face as he wonders what could be about the others that have him floating on the clouds with just some red cheeks and a gorgeous face.

⋆

Dinner is so awkward, even Seungmin notices. He's halfway through a spoon full of veggies when his best puts his fork down. "Did I miss something?"

Jeongin chokes on drinks and Hyunjin feels his cheeks heat up with the mental image of what they had to go through early. He does compose himself enough to reply. "Nothing. Everything is alright."

The boy doesn't say anything, but the awkward air is palpable at the table. Hyunjin and Seungmin barely use the dining room as it is but they compromised with a sense of stability for Jeongin's first day. 

However, that implied that it was obvious that something had happened. And Seungmin was no fool. "Why are you both lying to me?"

"It's nothing, don't be dramatic Hyung." Jeongin at the dinner table, in the comfort of Seungmin's presence, was snarky and responsive, which shouldn't bring as much excitement to Hyunjin as it did. 

The Jeongin he's seen previously, shy and contained, a blush mess could not compare to this version and Hyunjin wasn't sure which one he liked more. 

(Possibly both. Only time can tell.)

Seungmin rolled his eyes. Another version he hadn't met is this Seungmin, pretending to be annoyed at his little brother. "I took the day off so we can go to University tomorrow and I can show you around, maybe set some stuff already in advance. We need bus passes and make sure we have your card set up for the cafeteria…"

"Hyung, relax." Jeongin says again, already so used to Seungmin's outbursts. Hyunjin could relate to the feeling, concealing his laugh. From the corner of his eye he could see Jeongin smile shyly at him. 

His brain tries so hard not to go into immediate overdrive.

"I'm just trying to look after you." Seungmin says, and it's sort of heavy, a different tone from the previous state of their dinner conversation. Hyunjin feels like he's intruding in something personal. 

"I can take care of myself." 

"I know but I want to help you!" Seungmin and Jeongin seem to be two forces to be reckoned with, two poles made of the same magnetic pulls, constantly pushing each other apart. 

Hyunjin thinks maybe that's how a sibling relationship looks like. He is an only child and the closest he has ever had of a brother had been Seungmin, albeit a little different and deeper. 

He thinks he needs to help them. "Maybe you guys can do that later in the week, I can show Jeongin around the town first! That's important too." 

Seungmin eyes him suspiciously. Hyunjin swore he had the best of intentions, even if selfishly seeking for some one on one time with the other. "What the heck are you two up to?"

"Nothing!" They both answered at the same time. Hyunjin decided to step forward before an argument could break out between the siblings. "You're just acting like an overbearing mother."

"Fine, I'll compromise." Seungmin pouts, but Jeongin smiles gratefully at him. "You still need to find a job."

Hyunjin smiles at the way Jeongin whines. "If you excuse me now." Jeongin says, getting up in the direction of his new room. 

"Wash your plate!" Seungmin yells.

"Wash yourself!" Jeongin dismisses him completely, to which Hyunjin can't help but laugh out loud. 

Seungmin is not nearly as amused as Hyunjin, but he's a man with a newfound attraction towards his best friend's younger brother, he feels like giggling like a school girl will come more often than not. "The hell are you laughing at?"

"It's always funny to see you act like an older brother." Hyunjin continues to eat his food, finally rid of the distractions. "The same Seungmin who convinced me, Felix and Jisung to play strip poker countless times during our gaming nights?"

Seungmin blushed a couple shades darker than usual, mumbling a shut up before diving back into his food. The next words out of his mouth were surprising. "Nothing really happened between the two of you right?"

Hyunjin choked on his salad piece. "Why do you keep insisting on this?"

"I thought I read the mood in a certain way." Seungmin ponders his next words. "I really want the two of you to get along." 

Hyunjin blushes, and doesn't really understand what is happening with his body. He also wants to get along with Jeongin, a selfish part of him considers if maybe that desire stems from something he would love to see unfold. 

Then again, could he do that to Seungmin? Who so innocently just wants his brother to feel included in his life. "You don't have to worry about that."

"Make sure you help him feel included please. He needs friends more than anything." Seungmin grabbed his hand, squeezing it for a bit before getting up to wash his plates and leave Hyunjin feeling a little sick in the stomach. 

⋆

Hyunjin's routine often after dinner is sitting down in his studio, the window open to clear up the air and allow the evening winds to clear his mind while he paints whatever his mind is set to do. They’ve been keeping the traditions to sit down for dinner with the three of them, either it is with takeout or Seungmin and Jeongin’s horrible attempts to cook something for them all to eat. 

There’s a certain domesticity about the habit, something Hyunjin has never had as long as he remembers. His mother, God bless her, has always battled between jobs and houses, never saying no to an opportunity. That meant that young Hyunjin would never settle for a meal at a table, weekly; meant that he was constantly travelling, house to house, city to city, restaurant one day or sandwiches on a park bench on other days when they needed to move fast. That fumbling in his routine made something so ordinary like sitting down for dinner every night with his roommates an intimate, new feeling.

Besides, he liked seeing Jeongin blushy as they traded couple words before dinner, liked seeing his shy smiles and sparkly eyes when he ranted about the contents of his class and apologised after for his outburst. As if there was anything to be sorry about when he looked so cute babbling and gesturing to get his point across.

Hyunjin has been busy during the day with his job in the thrift store, and dinner was the only time of the day he got the opportunity to chat with Jeongin and get to know him a little better. 

Unfortunately, there’s days when he can’t sacrifice the after dinner routine of painting down his emotions, and as he thinks of Jeongin’s warm presence and their dinners, he can’t help to paint a bowl of fruits that weirdly reassembles the one they now own in their dinner table because Jeongin can’t go around to his day without a piece to start off. 

He also can’t help but look at the sketch he started early, a portrait of a boy with a strong jawline and sharp eyes. There’s a smile creeping in his mouth as the brush moves in his hand and he thinks that there’s something special about Jeongin for being such a source of inspiration for him and so soon as that.

Then the door clicks open. He stops briefly in his steps as he notices a confused Jeongin at the door. 

“Hi?” He tries, a small smile ghosting in his expression again. It’s irrational and it offers no explanation, but Jeongin looks effortlessly beautiful in his sweatpants and sweater combo, hair a bit dishevelled and messy, standing in his doorway.

He eyes the room quickly before bowing and turning to Hyunjin. “I’m sorry! Seungmin was using the bathroom and he told me there’s another one in here…”

Hyunjins points at the door behind him. The studio used to be a suite bedroom before they appropriated Hyunjin's paintings, but the small bathroom still stands behind the closed door. Usually Hyunjin just uses it to store bigger easels and paint tubes, which is what he tells Jeongin. “It’s messy there but functional.”

“Why didn’t I know you had a whole art studio in the apartment?” Jeongin comments, slowly stepping inside. He looks nervous, as he massages his shoulder but makes no move towards the bathroom. 

“Guess Seungmin didn’t break the news for you. He’s not a good host, is he?”

That makes Jeongin laugh, thankfully. “He’s the worst.” Jeongin takes another brave look around: there’s canvas hung on the walls, some unfinished ones stacked on top of each other. The carpet on the floor has suffered from his many accidents with paint brushes and bottles. But it’s the place in the house, probably in the world, where Hyunjin feels the safest. “Did you pain all of these?”

“All Hyunjin originals.”

“You’re fucking talented.”

There's a genuine laugh that leaves his mouth. “And you’re very honest.”

“Seriously!” Jeongin walks bravely inside, pointing at the stool next to Hyunjin. He gestures for him to sit down, his cheeks blushing a little bit when their knees knock on each other. “Seungmin told me that the paintings in the living room were yours, but they are so pretty. Do you have an art-related major?”

Something warms inside of him with the raw want from Jeongin’s side to get to know him. “It’s more of a hobby, actually. I study English.”

Jeongin’s expression is painted with surprise. “That’s… wow. You’re pretty cool.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Hyunjin laughs, even if he warms up at the words. There’s nothing cool about English majors, and especially nothing outstanding about his art. It’s an escape, a route out of his boredom of everyday life, and it’s something that he’s sure he would end up burning out of if he pursued it as a career. 

“You’re talented and you’re clearly passionate about this hobby. I used to love drawing but I haven’t picked a pencil to draw in years.”

“There’s no time like the present.” Hyunjin searches in his cup for a pencil that hasn’t met his end with his mouth, a chewing habit he finds it hard to let go of. He finds a black charcoal pencil that he just used to draw a sketch of Jeongin, and handles it to him. “That’s my most precious pencil, if you don’t use it soon I will be extremely upset.”

Jeongin mouth curves in a tentative smile. “Manipulating me?”

“What can I say, I’m a horrible person.” He also hands a blank sheet of a sketchbook to Jeongin, who takes it tentatively and places it on his lap. 

“Is that our fruit bowl?” Jeongin asks, eager for a change in the topic. Hyunjin doesn’t think he would ever not indulge in Jeongin’s requests if he kept looking like that in his direction. 

“Yeah, I get random urges to paint things sometimes; usually starting with something you’re more familiar with helps to get on track.”

“Maybe I should try something like this.”

Hyunjin lights up with a smile. “Of course! Let’s make a competition about which one of us can paint the fruit bowl faster.”

Jeongin panics at the words, his head snapping up so fast to meet Hyunjin’s playful expression. “You’re kidding right?”

He doesn’t know where he finds the courage to slap Jeongin’s thigh, but he regrets almost immediately seeing how the touch burns in his hand. “Yes, Jeongin! No need to look to stressed around me.”

The boy seems to think about the words for a bit as he sketches a small bowl in the blank paper. Hyunjin is no professional, but he’s impressed at how quickly it gains shape as Jeongin nervously struggles to get an answer. “It’s a bit difficult not to.”

“Was it something I said?” He softly wonders, because he doesn’t think they’ve been getting along badly. “Or something I did?” He just hopes at this point that his infatuation with Jeongin hadn’t been obvious to the point of making him uncomfortable. 

“Not at all!” Jeongin rushes to reassure. “I guess our first meeting wasn’t so great.”

Hyunjin blushes just remembering how awkward it had been but also how quickly he got starstruck by Jeongin’s aura. He’s a serial romantic, by definition, but he never thought he would get struck with an attraction like that at first sight. Which has been clearly getting worse as the days go by and he digs, albeit slowly, into what makes Jeongin himself, the little nooks and crannies of his personality.

He’s shy, in an adorable way; he doesn’t hold back his remarks when he’s with Seungmin and can be quite snarky and funny. He’s also polite even if sometimes he seems like he’s floating on another dimension. But it’s perks that give Hyunjin a will to learn more. 

“You should be thankful I didn’t flash you or something.” Hyunjin thinks it’s easy to light up the mood with a joke before his brain gets in too deep.

Jeongin blushes, spreading from his cheeks to his ears. Hyunjin hopes he isn’t imagining anything. “I guess we never got a chance to be properly introduced.”

"No time like the present!" He's anything but determined to make sure Jeongin feels comfortable around him. "My name is Hyunjin, I'm an English major who is horrible at cooking and we are bound in this apartment now because I love Seungmin too much." 

Jeongin laughs. "No need to declare your love for my brother in front of me." 

"He's my platonic soulmate, I'm afraid because me and him are bound for life. You are part of the package deal now too." 

"Oh, what a shame!" Jeongin laughs, getting into the joke and slowly getting more comfortable as his hands gain a life of his own with the sketch. 

There's something so dear to him to see the boy ease up to a hobby he claims to not have picked up in years because of Hyunjin's small insistence. He thinks that it's easy to find inspiration anywhere, and he hopes Jeongin spark for drawing lights up a bit when he's with him. 

"What about you? Where's my 30 second trailer of Jeongin?" 

"Well, there's not a lot of interesting things to know—" 

"I already respectfully disagree with that sentence." Hyuniin interrupts. 

"Well, I'm Jeongin. Obviously," Hyunjin smiles at the awkwardness, endearingly as it is. "I study social studies, because… I don't know, I guess I want to become a social worker in the future. I love kids." 

"That's super awesome." 

"Thanks," He shyly smiles again and holy, Hyunjin thinks he can get easily addicted to that smile and his mind is already sketching on its own with ways to draw him like that. "Guess you're stuck with me now, since I'm your soulmate's brother." 

"What a shame," Hyunjin tries to replicate the tone Jeongin used early, which brings a smile to both of their faces. It's so easy to just be there, existing in that moment with Jeongin. He thinks he likes it, thinks he would like to keep it. 

"Guess the rest you have to figure out as time goes." 

Hyunjin curls his eyebrows. Jeongin is not looking at him, fixed on his drawing of the fruit bowl but Hyunjin is no fool. He can feel the flirtatious tone in the words, the implications that linger in the sentence and suddenly he feels restless in his seat, reminding him of the kid he used to be that couldn't stop for one second. 

Jeongin makes him feel like he's back in those days, at the edge of his seat, always ready to flee for a new adventure. 

"I think I would like to unravel your mysteries, then." 

Jeongin hands him the sketch, not able to look him in the eye. "Maybe I'll come by to draw with you again. It was fun." 

"I'll be waiting."

The butterflies he draws around his own Jeongin sketch after he leaves are a product of his emotions, as lots of his works tend to be. This time, it's like the butterflies in his stomach have flown to life to illustrate what Jeongin has made him feel with such small words. 

It's enticing. Hyunjin is sure he wants to blindly dive for more.

⋆

University is a pain in the ass, to put it in simplified terms. Classes are hard, there's books and books piling up for readings this semester already and an essay on the cooks that Hyunjin is absolutely dreading starting. 

There's something incredibly reassuring about sharing these with his friends who can relate to your experiences, as Jisung spreads into his third rant about his modern physics class and Felix sighs in comadreship. 

"And then, that old corpse had the audacity to tell us if we fail the midterm we will officially fail in the whole class. Like what kind of bullshit?" Jisung's voice echoed through the cafeteria, as Felix nodded with shared disbelief.

"I hate university teachers sometimes. Just because you were alive during the stone age, doesn't mean things haven't changed and that includes grading methods!" 

Hyunjin is halfheartedly paying attention and agreeing, but another side of him is looking around at the people around them and studying them with odd curiosity. An old habit of his to always keep an eye on his surroundings in the search for inspiration or a distraction. 

"Me and Hyunjin share a class this semester with that witch from semantics." Felix says and Hyunjin agrees, his stare focused on two girls in an engulfed conversation outside. 

"The one everyone complains about?" 

"Yeap," Felix throws his fork down with his anger. For such a small dainty man, he sure has his bursts of anger sometimes. "She's going to fail my ass so hard, I can already feel." 

The two girls seem close, Hyunjin thinks. It's a nice sight, to see love bloom in front of him. He's always enjoyed the idea of creating stories based on first impressions, a habit that has followed him around as long as he can remember. 

He doesn't have time to delve more into the made up romantic fantasy of the couple in the entrance because he notices a blur dressed in a baby blue shirt he would recognise anywhere. 

He waved enthusiastically, much to Jisung and Felix's surprise. "Hey, Jeongin! Over here!"

The boy notices him immediately, carrying a small bowl and a drink in his hands. His backpack rests on one arm and Jeongin looks so effortlessly attractive in his casual attire, a true college student if Hyunjin has ever seen one. 

"Who the—" Jisung is about to say when Jeongin acknowledges his presence and walks over to their table. 

"Didn't see you this morning, had no idea you had classes around this area." Hyunjin comments when Jeongin sits next to him. 

Jeongin blushes slightly, which might be justified by the hot weather that has recently wrapped in their town. "I don't but they don't sell the shrimp salad anywhere else but here, so I came around before my afternoon class." 

"Ah, yeah. It's delicious. I used to eat it all the time until I got an allergic reaction." Hyunjin nods, eyeing the salad longingly. "My dear shrimp, I miss you." 

Jeongin giggles, opening the lid to provoke him. The boy can be mischievous when he can. "Well, can't you have an ugly allergic reaction, can we? It would ruin the whole look you have going on." 

He's flirting again, Hyunjin thinks. And with that thought he also realises Jisung and Felix are eyeing him like he's grown a third eye or something. 

Introductions. Right. "Uh, guys this is Jeongin: new roommate, Seungmin's brother. Jeongin, this is Felix and Jisung!" 

Jeongin politely nods.  "Hi. I've heard about you guys from Seungmin." 

The boys, who have also heard about Jeongin moving into the city react as enthusiastically as they can, showering the boy with a million questions that range from how he's adapting to university to can you give us ugly Seungmin pictures so we can use them against him. 

Hyunjin protests at that, always ready to defend his best friend's honour. Jisung is not phased. "What? Seungmin is a demon, I need all the arsenal against him as I can find." 

"I can get you amazing pictures from when he was younger and fell from his bike and broke his front teeth. He walked around ages waiting for them to fall." Jeongin mischievous side perking up when Hyunjin least expects to leave him on his toes again about him. 

He shouldn't feel this much about him. "Jeongin!" He hits the boy's arm playfully. "Don't rattle your brother like that."

"Please, as if he wouldn't find an opportunity to do the same about me." 

Jisung nods along. "I like your energy, I have a feeling we are going to be great friends." 

"That's absolutely disastrous." Hyunjin says, fear creeping in his eyes as he witnesses Jisung wink in Jeongin's direction, a smirk on his face. 

"You guys shouldn't be as mean to Seungmin, he's not so bad." Felix adds up. 

Hyunjin counted to three until Jisung exploded. "You're just saying that because you have a crush on him!" 

Felix gasps and Jeongin eyes widen so much he's afraid they're going to pop out. He appreciates how Jeongin easily connected with the boys, but he isn't sure what this information would do to him. 

Jisung, the creator of chaos, sits back satisfied. "Did I lie?"

"You can't say that shit in front of his brother, asshole!" Felix tongue slips into his usual snarky self, when he's less contained into making a good impression. 

Hyunjin leans towards Jeongin, whispering in his ear. "I'm still unsure if it's true but Felix does think your brother is very cute, always has." 

Jeongin laugh is contained and low. He's so close in a way he didn't anticipate when he leaned towards the boy. Now, he's basically caged in Jeongin's aura as his two friends air out their dirty laundry in public. 

"Felix is the one with the freckles, isn't he? My brother is always stalking his Instagram." Jeongin asks, carefully eating a spoonful of salad.

Hyunjin is a weak man, he thinks, as he notices the way Jeongin's Adam's apple bob as he eats. He hates himself for that. 

He musters enough words for a reply, even if he's somehow not surprised about this development. Seungmin is shy about his relationships but he has detected there's some underlying feelings for Felix that the other hasn't admitted, perhaps not even to himself. 

"Somehow, that does not surprise me." 

"I can't believe you said this!" Felix now has returned to his pouty self when this particular situation gets addressed. He turns to Jeongin. "Please don't tell him." 

"It's none of my business," Jeongin replies, as easy as that. Then he adds: "If anything, I have to advise you to run away. He's a dork, there's nothing attractive about that." 

Jisung snorts. "I love this kid." 

"You both have siblings. They're always bickering around the house, is this what having siblings is like?" Hyunjin wonders, teasing Jeongin a little more to distract himself from how much he wants to comb a white strand of hair from his ear. 

Stupid luscious hair. 

"Didn't know you were paying so much attention," Jeongin teases, because in the month or so they've loved together and interacted, Jeongin's shy endeavour has lifted up and got replaced by this confident persona Hyunjin finds himself gravitating towards. 

His cheeks heat up at the words and he doesn't notice the look that Jisung sends him. "It's impossible not to, you two are loud as hell." 

"Not my fault Seungmin is a devil in disguise." 

"Ditto," Jisung agrees, extending his hand for a fist bump that Jeongin immediately reciprocated.

They chat for a little while after that but Jeongin quickly excuses himself for his class, since he still has to walk to the other side of campus and leaves the three of them alone again at the table. 

Jisung, chaos enabler, breaks out the silence. "Oh my God, Hyunjin you sly fox!" 

"What is that supposed to mean?" 

Felix and Jisung trade one of their signature twin telepathy looks before Felix smirks. "You tease me about my crush on Seungmin and now look at you." 

Hyunjin brain wires enter a small shortcut moment before he realises what it's being implied. "You think I have a crush on Jeongin?"

"Dude! You're throwing heart eyes at him, it's disgusting." Felix says, laughing to get his point across. 

Jisung nods. "I feel like I'm watching Felix trying to flirt with Seungmin, but like, ten times worse."

"Hey! I'm a master of flirting, contrary to someone whose tactic is just to stare until they eventually fall for you." That clearly touched a sour spot on Felix, who has already been shoved into a metaphorical wall that day. 

"Can we go back to bullying Hyunjin?" Jisung asks. 

And then the glass shatters. Not a literal glass, but something in his mind that breaks the bubble he's been shoving himself in the past month, justifying that his words and actions towards Jeongin were just an infatuation for someone he found so fascinating at first glance. 

But it's more than that, isn't it?

" Oh," he says, that moment of realisation that hits him like a brick. "I have a crush on Jeongin." 

Felix and Jisung trade another look. "Feel like we unlocked something we shouldn't have today." 

⋆

The ugly feeling pooling in his chest hasn't gone away for the past weeks. In fact, it's growing exponentially bigger, walking side by side with his growing feelings towards Jeongin.

That is a problem. A big problem that Hyunjin isn't sure how he can handle. He's had fleeting crushes, infatuations on people that he can't explain but the more he finds about Jeongin, the more it grows. 

Jeongin is kind and sweet, he helps random people on the street when he doesn't have to and gives in his public transportation spots out of sheer kindness. He visits Hyunjin in the thrift shop and brings him cupcakes because it's on the way from University to the house, always pastries he doesn't remember telling the boy he adored but somehow Jeongin has memorised. 

He also can't seem to be able to hold the feelings for Jeongin when he sees the boy study at the kitchen table, reading textbooks and writing essays, with his comfortable sweaters; casual wear should not look that good in Hyunjin's humble opinion. It's impossible to fight the urge to sit close to him, rest his head on his shoulder or kiss his forehead with fondness. 

The worst part of it all, is that even after a month and a half (Hyunjin has lost count) of living together, there's no one he can talk about those feelings with. His go-to source for love advice is Seungmin, but how can he break this news to his best friend? 

I'm low-key in love with your brother, so how was your class today? 

Yeah, that wouldn't work. On the other hand, confiding in Jisung and Felix was a no-go. Their efforts on advice were practically useless when you combined their will to make fun of Hyunjin at any given chance and their own poor attempts to find someone. 

He's left with introspecting about those emotions, all alone in his studio in the company of brushes and paint. 

And his mother too. "Yes, everything is fine mom. My teachers are a bit mean this semester but I think I can make it."

" You know you have all the time in the world sweetheart. It's your pace, no one else's."

With all her flaws and pieces, his mother is supportive in her own ways. She might be far away, getting as far away as possible. She might be running from ghosts that have never tied her down and might have dragged him alongside the road, but she can read him like no one else in the world. 

Except maybe Seungmin. "Thank you. I'll try to hold onto that." 

" What else is in my little artist's mind?" Her tone is soft, like a tender breeze that swipes him off his feet in the calmest of ways. 

Is Hyunjin enough of a desperate man to tell her? Is he so hopeless that his last line of advice is his own mother? "Nothing, everything is okay." 

" It's a boy then." 

"How do you do that?" He has to sit down for this, looking out on the balcony to the busy street downstairs. 

Her laugh echoes clear as the wind on the other line of the call. " Mother knows best, you should have already figured it out."

"It's nothing I can't handle mom. Just a little starstruck over someone." Half washed lie that doesn't even convince him, but hopefully it will be good enough for now. 

" There's nothing wrong with being starstruck by someone; as long as you don't let it get to your head too much." 

He hangs out after saying his goodbyes, wondering if he's not too late for it already. In the kitchen,  Jeongin is checking the schedule that Seungmin updates weekly on their fridge. The same one Hyunjin ignores daily.

His heart skips a beat when the boy smiles at him, unapologetic. "I think it's your time to do the laundry."

That's enough to bring the mood down. His least favourite activity put on blast by his crush; a quick glance at the schedule even shows him that Seungmin had circled the task in red and with an arrow wrote hyunjin stop skipping laundry!!!!

"I promise I'm not a slob." He tries to justify to Jeongin. The boy is resting against the counter with his arms crossed, effortlessly attractive and still in his day attire. 

Jeongin is a person who cares about fashion more than the average person, and Hyunjin would know that because he considers to have a special attention towards the topic. Every day is a blessing to see him sporting an outfit that matches to the smallest of details. 

Jeongin is smirking, in his blue and green colour palette of that day. "It's getting hard to believe."

Hyunjin grumbles, feels his whole body on fire with Jeongin's staring, checking him up and down.  "Just give me the damn basket." 

Jeongin, for what is worth, does extend him the object but not before grabbing his keys. "I'll join you." 

"You don't have to!" Hyunjin says even if his whole body is screaming with want, a desire to spend more time with the boy.

His feelings are getting out of control. "Seungmin told me to never leave you alone with a washing machine."

"That was one time!"

Jeongin laughs. "Besides, it's a good afternoon. And the company is not so bad, I guess."

One thing Hyunjin hadn't revealed yet: he doesn't blush. His body doesn't tend to give in to an involuntary reaction of cheeks heating up as a result of blood rushing to your face because of embarrassment. 

Jeongin has to shake him out of his thoughts, with a smile in his features. "No need to get so red."

Oh. 

⋆

The reason Hyunjin hates doing laundry is because the laundromat is so far away. Objectively speaking, it's still a walking distance but Hyunjin is lazy most times, so having to walk while holding a basket and laundry bags is embarrassing to say the least. 

"You walk too slow!" Jeongin has dropped the shy act of his very first days and it's starting to warm up to his snarky self. 

At times Hyunjin is endeared, except right then; when it's directed at him. "It's not my fault you walk too fast!" 

"You and my brother are exactly the same, no wonder you get along so well." Jeongin brushes off, easily handling the bags of laundry Hyunjin was carrying (read: dragging). The display of strength shouldn't be the reason for Hyunjin to feel hot all over. 

Bah, I'm like a teenager with a crush , he curses at himself. 

For his sake, he needed to change the topic. "How's University going?"

Jeongin groans. "Thanks for asking Mom, everything is okay! Classes are so much fun and I'm studying so hard."

"I'm not immune to sarcasm, you know that right?" 

There's a small smile in Jeongin's features. "College is fun… but it's also very overwhelming. I don't do well with being overwhelmed."

Hyunjin's heart constricts in his chest. That's the most honest Jeongin has ever been with him, he suspects for the first time in a long time too. There's an overbearing urge to comfort him. "I get it. It's a completely new environment and I barely made it through by myself." 

"How did you do it then?" 

"I had help." Hyunjin confesses, closing the gap between them as they walk. "Your brother, Jisung, Felix, we all help each other through college and it eases the burden a little. Doesn't go away fully, unfortunately." 

Jeongin hums, like he's deliberately letting the words sink. "I haven't been able to make friends like that." 

"You have me!" Hyunjin says, without thinking in a moment of weakness. 

"You're my brother's friend, I don't think I did that on myself." 

"I don't see you as just being Seungmin's brother though," Hyunjin once again spills without thinking. Once he realizes about the words, Jeongin ears are already burned red. He breathes in before continuing. "What I mean is— I think we have bonded! You hang out at my studio sometimes and we sketch together, we also study together. Then we talk about stuff and pass the time, that's how I think easing the burden should look like. That's what I think friendship is.

"And you can talk with me about whatever worries you as well." Hyunjin finishes, placing his hand softly on Jeongin's shoulder. 

The boy doesn't say anything but he opens the door to the laundromat, with the sun setting in the back, his smile shines as bright as the golden hour that is bestowed upon. 

"So, now you have to help me figure out these controls." Hyunjin jokes, looking at the overwhelming machines and the millions of different settings. 

Jeongin looks horrified. "Haven't you used this before?"

"The last time I did the laundry without Seungmin's supervision, I burned my clothes."

The boy was quick to steal the bag of laundry from his hands. "I think I'll handle it from now on." 

Hyunjin laughed with his whole body, sitting down on the benches rummaging through his bag. Jeongin had thrown a couple items in the bag before they left, and in the lookout for his lip balm he noticed a small speaker. 

"Why did you bring a speaker to a laundromat?" 

Jeongin is separating Hyunjin and his clothes when he turns around. "I always bring my speaker everywhere." 

The laughter that comes out is louder than he intended. "There's no way. You're such a stereotype! Do you walk around listening to loud music everywhere?" 

"Shut up!" 

"You totally do!" Hyunjin teases, grabbing the speaker and waving it around Jeongin. "What kind of music does someone like you even listen to? Do I have to hijack your phone to find out?" 

Jeongin, bless his soul, continued to dodge his attacks. "I regret being your friend, I want out." 

"No take backs!" Hyunjin uses his own phone to connect to the speaker, puts his playlist on shuffle and lets the sound of Coldplay's Yellow fill the space, occupied by simply the two of them on that late afternoon. 

The beep of the laundry machines announces Jeongin's presence next to him. "You take control of my speaker without my permission after bullying me for it? You're cruel, Hyunjin."

He can't help but laugh. Jeongin's presence next to him is soothing and promising of something warm and kind. The boy radiates this natural warmth to him, wears his heart on his sleeve on every occasion. 

For the better and for the worst, Hyunjin had started to learn mannerisms and to detect shifts in his moods. When he's happy, when he's relaxed and also, right at that instance, when he's feeling down. "So, what happened?" 

Jeongin plays with the hem of his sweatshirt. "How do you do that?" Hyunjin doesn't understand the question. "How do you know that I'm feeling down?"

"I pay attention, that's all." Hyunjin says, but what he thinks is that I'm attracted to you in such a short time and because of that phenomenon I am hyper aware of every little shift in your mood. "You're hard to miss, you know?"

"I'm nothing sort of special for you to notice me." 

And Hyunjin can't even grasp or begin to explain how foolish those words were. As if Jeongin's presence isn't so magnetic that he feels pulled towards his pole. Jeongin, who cares so deeply with every bone in his body, thinks he's nothing sort of special for Hyunjin to notice. 

He lets slide for the sake of digging into whatever is bothering him. "You can tell me what's going on." 

A beat passes, a cycle of the machine rolls again before Jeongin answers. "I think I hate university." 

Hyunjin laughs, but is no mockery. There's a sort of feeling that pools in his stomach, understanding. "Who doesn't?"

"You don't understand." Jeongin says, his head low. "Seungmin probably told you that I took more than usual to graduate high school." 

"That's all I know, though." Hyunjin confesses. 

"Regular school is not fit for me. I can't sit still and read a textbook or in a classroom, teachers never liked that I wasn't the type of learner they wanted me to be and I— I thought university was slightly different, that doing something I genuinely cared for was going to work out but it isn't. I'm a failure." 

Hyunjin breathes in. That's a lot to unpack but somehow it makes sense for him, for the Jeongin he knows. "You're no failure just because traditional education doesn't fit you." 

"That's how I feel. I really want to be good though, at this major, in this chapter of my life. But it's hard." 

Hyunjin had been plagued by the same thoughts before, although he suspects Jeongin speaks at a deeper level than him. Hyunjin doesn't have any advice to give, and doesn't think that's something Jeongin wants. Instead, he chooses to let his arm drape over his shoulders, in a move that burns his whole body with want. 

"It sucks." That's all he has to offer, thinking it's not enough but Jeongin's head falls into his shoulder, his breath evening out. 

"It does." Jeongin agrees, voice low. "It sucks a little less with you here, so thank you." 

Hyunjin blushes again. "Is what friends are for, right?" 

"Right." Jeongin deflates for a second before grabbing his hand and lacing their fingers, in a way he didn't expect. " Friends." 

In a way that didn't feel friendly at all. 

⋆

As the cold air settles outside, Hyunjin's life gradually changes into a new step of the year. The semester is long going, with assignments piling and books waiting to be read and analysed. 

Hyunjin spends a good chunk of the time mourning his relationship with Seungmin, as the boy gets busier and busier with all the work he always chooses to participate in for University: student associations, group assignments, extra credits. Piling that with his job and his studies, Hyunjin feels like he only sees Seungmin in the notes he leaves for him in the fridge. 

It saddens him and this was the fear he originally underwent with Jeongin's moving, and it's sadder to see they didn't even need an outside factor to let their lives fall apart.

"You're being so dramatic." Jisung argues, as he pesters him around the thrift store. He's just putting some clothes on the mannequins for tomorrow's opening, as he's about to close but Jisung has chosen to visit him at the last minute. 

Because when does Jisung ever do anything on time? "Seungmin would kiss the ground you walk on and you would do the same for him. You're just both busy, with different things, it's normal!" 

But Jisung doesn't understand. He has a weird telepathy twin relationship with Felix but it's nothing like what Hyunjin shares with Seungmin. Seungmin is the first person Hyunjin has ever felt made him feel at home, made him feel like home could be a place and a moment, various at that. But now those memories are just that; stored in his mind, almost as an old movie that keeps playing and reminiscing. 

There's also the question of Jeongin; sweet, lovely Jeongin that Hyunjin has drawn and painted canvas over and over about. Jeongin who Hyunjin could spend nights in a row listening to, telling him about his life by the sea and all the things he wants to show Hyunjin; sweet Jeongin who holds his hands when he's stressed, when he's nervous and feeling down, who confides in Hyunjin and trusts him enough to let his inhibitions down. 

Hyunjin usually confides in Seungmin, but with the other more absent he's found he is gravitating towards Jeongin more and more. 

It's not like he can tell the others why he feels so empty without Seungmin and how selfishly he's started to hold a grudge. But be can explain the root of it, just for the sake of letting it all out. 

After saying his goodbyes to Jisung, who despite being an amazing friend could ease up on his listening skills, he's tightly closing his jacket and walking all the way to the apartment. Once the keys lock in the door, there's a smell of homemade warm food coming from the kitchen and he almost gets excited that Seungmin is home until he notices it's just Jeongin heating up some soup. 

"Hey— wow you look miserable." Jeongin bluntly greets. 

"And you could work on your people's skills." Hyunjin grumbles, stripping off his jacket. He was freezing all the way from work, due to his inability to dress for the weather. It usually warms up quickly at the house, but he admits Jeongin basically pushing him to sit down and wrapping a blanket around his shoulders helped. 

Just a tiny bit. "You're freezing. Don't you know better than to dress warm for the winter?" 

"Winter only officially starts like next month." Hyunjin doesn't back down, but he feels his nose warming up after being exposed to the piercing cold of that night and the smell of the soup is amazing. 

And he's sad and lonely and Jeongin is so beautiful in the dim kitchen light, he might as well stop being snarky for a minute. "But thank you. I needed to be taken care of today." 

Jeongin laughs. "You deserve to be taken care of every day."

"I mean, if you're volunteering…" Hyunjin has increasingly found that his previous belief that he didn't blush was just an incapacity of his partners to make him feel wanted. Because his cheeks were heating up with the way Jeongin perked at the words, his wide eyes plastered with anticipation.

"Oh, my dream job! To take care of Hyunjin forever!" Jeongin dramatically sighs but still gently pushes the fruit bowl in his direction. Then he softly ads. "Eat. It looks like you need it." 

"What about you?" 

"I'll get a bowl too. We can eat together." 

For someone who has spent time and time again without a routine to cling to, eating dinner with Jeongin as they chatted idly about their week and the episode of the drama Hyunjin got them both watching.

It's a domestic and normal roommate activity but it's also somehow heavy… it feels charged with an energy and attraction Hyunjin can't describe. He loves just sitting down with Jeongin and being in his presence, the type of comfort he's been seeking in opposition to the rush that people claim they feel towards crushes. 

They end up moving to the balcony of Hyunjin's studio. There are only two plastic chairs there to sit down, a second one that Hyunjin has added due to Jeongin's visits. He takes the time and the night time to sketch something, as the blanket Jeongin gave him still falls on his shoulders. Jeongin has gotten a thicker hoodie but his hands are bouncing on the ledge as he watches the street beneath them. 

They're just in each other's company, orbiting around each other like two cosmic identities who can't separate from one another. It's not an uncommon occurrence, but it is uncommon that Hyunjin feels so restless. 

"This time I am wondering what happened to you." Jeongin breaks the silence without looking in his direction. Hyunjin doesn't find the courage to stare at the boy as well. 

"I don't want to bother you." 

Jeongin nudges him with his feet. "You're anything but a burden, Hyunjin. If anything I always feel like I'm the one bothering you with all my issues." 

"You don't. You're far from it."

"It's the same for me then." The boy is so eager to know more and get more of him. He feels ecstatic. "Tell me, please?"

"It's just seasonal sadness I guess. It gets so dark so early these days." Stupid way to start this, he thinks to himself. "It's just my usual unexplained loneliness striking again." 

"Oh," Jeongin hums. "Is she a common visitor?"

Hyunjin smiles. "She is. I feel like she's been my oldest of friends. I don't remember a day where I didn't feel lonely, ever since I was a child."

"That's a bit sad, if I'm being honest." 

"You're not great at this comforting thing," Hyunjin mocks the other. 

The panic in his features is hilarious until he realises the joke that fell from his mouth. "Ah, you're a menace! Seriously!"

"It's just cute to see you flustered." Hyunjin has always been a weak man. 

Jeongin rolls his eyes but it's something fond, with a smile attached to it. "Maybe you can tell me why you feel so lonely all the time." 

"It's always been like that." Hyunjin closes his sketchbook, draping his legs on Jeongin's lap across from him. The boy immediately moves his hand to tap on Hyunjin's skin. 

Comforting. "What do you mean?" Jeongin asks, eagerly. 

"I never settled in a place, ever since I was younger. Me and my mom were always moving, different houses, living on the van, going to one or two schools per year. I never got a chance to not feel lonely, because connections came harder to me."

"Do you resent her for that?" 

"A little," Hyunjin is being honest in ways he doesn't remember being. "I love my mom, don't get me wrong. I know everything she's done was in the search for a better life for the two of us. But it meant a lot of sacrificing from my side too. She never even wanted me in the first place."

"Is it just you and her?" Jeongin is a better listener than he gave him credit for. 

Hyunjin nods. "I'm a product of a relationship she wants to forget. She loves me, I know that. And she's my biggest support. But I'll always be a reminder to her of something she wants to forget and she is always going to be running away from that." 

"I can see how that life can be lonely." Jeongin massages his calf. "What made you settle for college?" 

"The very idea of settling. I just wanted a place I could stay in, you know?" Hyunjin feels his chest heavy with the words. "I owe a lot of that feeling to Seungmin, it sucks that we have been so distant lately." 

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. We are both busy I guess, I just can't help but feel like— ugh it's stupid, forget it." 

Jeongin uses his feet to push Hyunjin's plastic chair closer. It's an unexpected gesture that makes his heart speed up. They're so close, he can't help but look right in his eyes as they speak. "You can badmouth my brother all you want, your words won't leave this balcony."

Hyunjin laughs. Something heavy settles in his stomach. He likes Jeongin way too much already. "I can't help but feel like we both could make a little more effort to be together. Like we used to." 

"Sometimes…" Jeongin starts. "It's hard to take the first step. To be the one to break unhealthy habits and patch up relationships."

There's something in his tone that screams personal to Hyunjin, like Jeongin speaks from experience. "You too?" 

Jeongin chuckles. But it's not amusing, it's almost sad. "My mom thinks me and Seungmin living together is going to help us patch our relationship. But I've felt what you have felt too… like he's been way more distant. Like we are drifting apart even more." 

Hyunjin gulps. He had no idea the brothers had any sour patches in their relationship, from what he's seen, they acted around each other like everything was fine. Hyunjin was observant for the most time, but even the people with the sharpest of eyes can let details slip through the cracks. 

"I had no idea you guys were off with each other." Hyunjin admits. They're still so close, to the point where he is able to extend his blanket to Jeongin's shoulders and evolve them both. "But then again, I never had siblings, so it might be me not getting it."

"Ever since my dad died, we've been apart from each other."

Wait. 

Suddenly the heavy thing in his stomach plummets to the ground. "Your dad died? When?" 

Jeongin raises his eyebrows. "Last year. That's why I didn't manage to graduate on time. I was in a pretty dark time." Hyunjin is about to cry. "You didn't know?"

"Seungmin never told me." 

There's a lot of emotions swirling in his body as the news sinks in. Mainly he feels absolutely shattered and broken that he didn't notice Seungmin was hurt with some sort of ground shaking, life changing news like that. 

Jeongin seems to notice immediately his inner turmoil, because in the months they've known each other, the other has learned how to read him like he is his favourite book and he is addicted to every word and detail. "I wouldn't beat myself for it. Seungmin acted so weird when dad died. He didn't give himself time to mourn, immediately working his ass off to set up all the details. My mom was still crying about it and he already had funeral plans settled."

"That sounds like Seungmin," he feels a bit choked up. It's no surprise that his words speak like a whisper. "I guess you didn't react like that."

"I was devastated. I couldn't leave my bed for days, didn't even find strength to eat. My mom thought she was going to lose me too."

"I'm glad you're still here." Hyunjin selfishly says, not imagining a world without Jeongin's bright light. 

"Me too. Unfortunately, it did put a strain on my relationship with Seungmin. I don't think I have been able to forgive him for the way he reacted, I still don't understand it if I'm honest." Jeongin breaths in. "Now he treats me like I'm his son, like he thinks he's somehow a replacement for dad in our lives. But I just want him to be my brother, you know?"

"I guess we both have a lot to talk about with Seungmin." 

Jeongin laughs. "I guess so. Thank you for listening though, I never told that to anyone. It means the world to me that you would listen." 

Hyunjin lets his head fall on Jeongin's shoulder and breathe in the natural scent of the other. "I would listen to anything you would tell me. Even if it was the most rubbish thing." 

"I'm glad Seungmin made me meet you, for what it's worth." Jeongin grabs his hand again, a habit he's been noticing the other uses when he feels overwhelmed about a conversation. When he's being too honest. "You're one of a kind." 

Hyunjin can't find words when Jeongin is so upfront and honest with him, when he's raw to the depths of his heart. He can feel the genuine words that were poured in the speech, the emotions that involve them in that cold evening but he can't offer anything else in the moment. 

His mind is clouded with too much fog. For once, the news that Seungmin had gone through something that could have potentially broken him and Hyunjin hadn't been there; it shattered him to understand that he couldn't be there when his best friend needed the most, after he had done the same for him so many times before. 

On the other hand, the feelings for Jeongin can no longer be classified as a fleeting crush or puppy attraction. Hyunjin wants Jeongin, like he has never wanted anyone or anything before. A sore and painful thing that settled in his heart when he thinks about how selfishly he wants to rush into Jeongin's body, make sure he understands that he wants him whole, as much as he can have. 

But one thing at a time, he rationalises. He needs to talk with Seungmin.

⋆

The opportunity arises one afternoon a couple days after when he notices the door to Seungmin's room is slightly open. He had just come back from groceries with Jeongin, an activity that shouldn't have taken as long as it did. 

(It had been Jeongin's idea to bring him along, but Hyunjin immediately regretted when he noticed that the boy had taken the day to terrorise him. It started with an accident on the fruit aisle in which the boy found out Hyunjin was ticklish. 

Every time he tried to reach for something on the shelves, he found Jeongin's hands reaching to tease him. Barely able to resist, they almost made the shampoo shelves fall to the ground. 

Then Jeongin decided to take about a million pictures of Hyunjin, who had been wearing the most horrendous outfit he could have picked from his closet. 

"I wanted to document your inability to reach the top shelves in the supermarket." Jeongin teased, even though he was shorter than Hyunjin. 

"It's not my fault these are so high!" Jeongin nodded, not convinced, but continued to snap pictures of him. When he confronted why, Jeongin shrugged. 

"Bless my camera roll with your face." 

Eventually he started playing along with the pictures, posing, lip singing the songs to the videos. Such an activity shouldn't have felt as romantic as it did, shouldn't have left his heart palpitating in his chest.)

When he notices the door open, he immediately runs through. Seungmin is lying in his bed with a blanket involving him as he watches videos on his phone. He doesn't hesitate to throw himself on top of his best friend, wrapping himself around like an octopus around his prey. 

"Ugh, Hyune," Seungmin says with a scoff, even though he sounds endeared. "You're basically crushing me."

"This is weeks and weeks of pent up love. Now you have to deal with it." Hyunjin doesn't even care he's being embarrassing, he's way too happy to just be in Seungmin's presence. "I missed you so much." 

Seungmin drops his phone in the middle of the blankets before wrapping his arms around Hyunjin. There's a warm emotion that's wrapped at the same time, the comfort of being in the presence of the person that makes him feel the safest. 

"I missed you too." Seungmin says, so earnestly like there's nothing he would rather add in that moment. "I thought you were out with Jeongin today."

"We were but your brother has a project to write, so we decided to cut our adventures short. It was just grocery shopping anyways." 

Seungmin hums, contemplating the picture Hyunjin had painted. "You and Jeongin spend an awful lot of time together." 

"It's not my fault I can't do anything but be a good roommate." There's a hint of a lie in the words and if Seungmin knows him as much as he thinks he does, he has noticed. But, the moment isn’t made for Hyunjin’s inner turmoil about Jeongin; right now, all it matters to him is to pay attention to Seungmin and catch up with the time he missed with his best friend. 

"You take good care of him. I don't think I can thank you enough for that." Seungmin continues. 

Hyunjin doesn't find words to respond, feels his mouth dry with everything he wants to say but can't. Instead, he chooses to cling into Seungmin tighter, as if he could transpire telepathically the turbulence that’s hitting his life as of recently. He’s never hidden anything from Seungmin, never once hasn’t let the other know what he is not feeling. 

Yet… Seungmin has hidden things from him. There’s a dark selfish Hyunjin inside, threatening to take front with a ginormous will to confront his best friend about everything he’s learned the past days, joint with the bottling grudge he’s holding of not having him around.

It’s an ugly thing that, in the end, ends up winning. “It’s not like you have found time to talk to me.”

There it is. The hidden truth that he’s been meaning to spill and this time, loud enough that Seungmin retreats from their embrace with a shock feature to add to it. “Hyune…”

“Nevermind. I shouldn’t have said that!” He retreats because what good would it make? He’s not confrontational and he hates being angry at people. The relationships in his life, of all natures, have been fleeting, to the point he’s been scared of ever getting angry at his colleagues in fear they would run away and never come back. Fearing they wouldn’t stay.

Seungmin was different. Being angry at Seungmin wasn’t just those fears, it was accentuated with the fact that he has never loved someone as much as he’s loved Seungmin. He thought an emotion like that had to be bottled in the strengths of romance, but the love for Seungmin is so different from those moulds; it hurts all the same, if not even more. 

He’s afraid that if he loses Seungmin, then he will forever be alone. 

“No— C’mon Hyune. You’re angry and we need to talk about it.” Why must Seungmin be so reasonable and mature about everything? “I know I’ve been busy…”

“I’m not the only one that feels this way, you know?” Hyunjin hates how his deflection technique has dragged Jeongin to the mud with him now.

Seungmin ponders. It’s much colder in the room now that they’ve separated. Hyunjin sits on the edge of the bed, much like his mother, ready to flee away if things get too serious. “Look… it’s different from Jeongin. I know it doesn’t seem like so, but things between us have been rocky.”

“Ever since your father died.” He means it as a thought, means to keep it at bay but his mouth moves on its own accord and suddenly there’s a tear running down Seungmin’s face and Hyunjin feels guilty; ugly. “Oh my God, Seung I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said it like that, I’m so sorry!”

Seungmin hiccups and it comes crashing in a way he hasn’t seen his friend burn down. It takes a while before he settles, before he can calm down from his sobs. It’s so odd to see Seungmin strip bare to his most vulnerable side, Hyunjin doesn’t know what else to do but to bring him to his chest with a plea of apologies for being insensitive. 

This is also why Hyunjin hates being vulnerable. He always brings the worst in people. 

When the storm of cries calms down, Seungmin is silent for what seems like an eternity before he opens his mouth. “I guess you and him are closer than I thought. I should’ve known.”

“I’m not angry at you for that. I don’t even know why I am angry to begin with.” Hyunjin has to make sure his friend knows that. “I miss you so much and I care for you a lot, you know this right? You’re my best friend. I don’t want us to end up distant or just… awkward.”

Seungmin plays with the hem of his pyjama shirt, and it’s scary that the answer isn’t at the tip of his tongue like usual. Instead, he chews on it before there’s a concrete response to what Hyunjin said. He can’t blame him. 

“It’s been a weird year.” Seungmin says.

“You know you don’t have to deal with it alone. I’ll always be here for you.”

“I don’t want to be a burden. I never wanted to be like that in anyone’s life. I guess I’m more like my dad than I hoped I would become,” Seungmin's voice falters at the mention of his father. It’s clear he hasn’t spoken about it in a long time, in typical Seungmin fashion has bottled it all up. “I know what you will say next.”

“We must really be telepathic then because I don’t even know what I was going to say.”

Seungmin laughs, genuine. “You’re going to say I’m never a burden to you. It’s easy to hear but hard to grasp that concept, you know? I still don’t understand why you even put up with me.”

Now that the dam has been opened, the floods of water are open to the wild, taking with them all Seungmin’s insecurities he didn’t even know the other had. “Seungmin…”

“You’re a great person. Everyone who knows you, knows this and even the ones who don’t can’t help but feel drawn to you. I don’t really understand how you can be my friend, so unconditionally without me even giving anything grand in return.”

Hyunjin's head hasn’t stopped spinning. “You don’t need to, okay? You’re the person I feel safest with Seungmin and you don’t have to fulfil anything to be that friend. You just are. I know we joke about being platonic soulmates or some shit like that, I know you don’t believe in destiny but I feel like we were meant to be in each other’s paths. I think we need one another more than we think we deserve one another.”

Seungmin hugs him so tightly his bones might break. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my dad. And for being a bad friend.”

“I’m sorry for being a bad friend as well.” Hyunjin accepts the hug like he’s a starved man for the affection. “You could text more often, you know. We might live together but sometimes it’s easier.”

“And you could bottle these things less, then I would know when I’m doing something wrong.”

Hyunjin separates from the hug with a smile on his face. “Deal. For what it’s worth now, I’m very sorry about your dad.”

“Jeongin had it worse than me. I guess I was waiting for it to happen.” Seungmin breaths in. “It still hurts like shit. Sometimes I still find myself calling his number just to chat with him.”

He rests his head on Seungmin’s shoulder and lets his arm involve his friend in a somewhat comfortable embrace. "When that happens you can cry on my shoulder." 

"I will take your word for it." 

"I know you will." Hyunjin feels lighter after the conversation, and sees Jeongin sitting in the living room looking at him expectantly. He doesn't have to say anything about what happened, Jeongin somehow reads him whole so easily. 

The smile Jeongin gives him is warm and reassuring, proud that he's done what has been consuming him for the past weeks. However, the feeling bubbling in Hyunjin's chest is nothing like what he felt towards Seungmin. 

It's bright and new, lively. The hints of something pooling down in his stomach. If anything, the conversation with Seungmin strengthened that bubbly feeling towards Jeongin he has never felt in his life before. 

"You good?" Jeongin asks when he's been staring at him for a solid minute. 

Hyunjin feels slightly less burdened with fears from previous weeks. He's somehow hopeful. "I'm all good." 

⋆

"Soldiers, what happened to us?" Jisung asks, on a particular evening. They're all sorts of relaxed in the apartment, with Hyunjin laying on the couch upside down and Felix and Seungmin testing the limits of the single chair by sitting on top of each other. 

Jisung, as usual, paced around the living room minutes after the final credits of the movie started to roll. Christmas month is around the corner and so life starts to slow down as classes do as well. 

"What do you mean?" Felix asks, comfortingly giving up and placing himself on top of Seungmin. 

It's the first time in months the four of them have been able to be together — just casually spending time for the sake of doing so, instead of fleetingly meeting in between classes and lunches. 

Hyunjin has spent more time with Jeongin these days than he does with these guys. But life happens to all of them: jobs, classes, assignments, it's hard to keep up. 

That's why he's glad they can still be comfortable even after prolonged times without that sort of contact. 

He also admits it's doing wonders for his disposition — and for what it matters, Seungmin's as well. It's the first time in weeks he's seen so much colour in his features that isn't derived from the cold. 

"What happened to us? We used to be wild! Going out weekly, enjoying the pleasures of life in the way they're given to us! We are nothing but slaves to our routines." He looks like a priest doing the weekly ceremony and none of them can take him seriously. "What are you all laughing about?"

"I would hardly describe our old lifestyle as wild. We got drunk in our dorms and cried about life." Felix adds on.

"One time we tried to chase the squirrels on campus but that was, by far, the craziest thing we've done." Hyunjin adds on, fondly remembering the memories. 

Jisung's cheeks burned in the same intensity as Seungmin's, for a variety of different reasons. He quickly shifts his approach. "Then let's do something wild once in our lives! Let's go clubbing!"

It's clear that he doesn't sound half as enthusiastic as he did before. Hyunjin is not a fan of clubbing, as is the case of everyone in that living room. He's ready for the idea to get shot down when, in the most unlike fashion of them all, Seungmin speaks:

"I think we should do it." All eyes quickly turn at him in surprise. Kim Seungmin, out of all people, wants to go clubbing? "Why are you all looking at me like I've grown two heads?"

"Why would you agree to this?" Jisung incredulously claims, his eyes comically bugging out of his face. 

"You were the one who proposed the idea!" Seungmin retorts, adjusting Felix's position in his lap. 

Jisung flusters with his words. "Yeah, but I never expected you, out of all people, to agree? I was ready to beg or something!"

"He's right, it's a bit odd of you," Felix adds tenderly, his fingers carefully combing the hair in Seungmin's nape. 

Jisung and Hyunjin trade a disgusted look. 

"I—I just think it could be fun!" He stumbles with his words. "We have never done anything like that before and everyone can crash here after anyways if we get too wasted." 

"There's a first for everything, isn't there?" Hyunjin surprises himself with the words. Out of everyone, he doesn't expect to be the one to agree so quickly. 

It seems like all they needed was his stamp of approval, because quickly the other two got on board with the idea. Jisung insists they should raid Hyunjin's wardrobe for clothes because he wouldn't allow anyone to look like a hot mess in sweatpants in a club. 

It isn't until Jisung and Felix realise Hyunjin's clothes are far too big for them that the plan falls flat. "I warned you." 

"Maybe we can roll something up?" Jisung asks, looking down at his sweatpants and sighing. 

"We can always ask Jeongin. He's about your guys' size."

That's how they end up standing in front of Jeongin's door. He's aware the boy is probably finishing up his essay with his noise cancelling headphones, looking as cute as he usually does and making Hyunjin daydream about him like a damn fool. 

All things are confirmed when he opens the door sporting a hoodie Hyunjin immediately recognises as his. 

Shit. This was not in his plans. 

There's so many questions he needs answered: where did Jeongin acquire the sweatshirt, why did he acquire the sweatshirt and is he aware it belongs to Hyunjin?

If he is, that brings a whole new level to the gesture. 

"What do you want?" Jeongin deadpans, at Seungmin more specifically, who stands in the front centre of the Desperate Crew™. 

"Can you lend us clothes for Jisung and Felix?"

"We are going clubbing!" Jisung rushes to justify themselves. "You're welcome to join us if you want."

Felix giggles and leans in to whisper in Hyunjin’s ear. "Bet you would be happy about that." 

He hits Felix on the back. "Shut up." 

Jeongin just shrugs, telling them they're welcome to raid his closet. He doesn't answer the question, but Felix and Jisung are too worried about the amount of clothes the other has to even bother to ask again. 

Hyunjin scoots closer to Jeongin on the door as the other two inspect everything thoroughly. "Aren't you coming then?" 

Jeongin is looking at him with a weird sort of intensity. "And you said yes to this idea? You, of all people?"

He blushes. Jeongin knows him too well. "It was Jisung's plan and why not? What do I have to lose!"

"Your dignity in the middle of a bunch of drunk and sweaty bodies." 

"It's going to be fun," he whines. Then, in a one in a lifetime courage, adds: "I would really like to have you there." 

It has the desired reaction, when Jeongin's cheeks burn to a beautiful red colour that gives him that boy-ish, cute look Hyunjin loves about him. "Okay, I'll go."

"Can't wait to see what you pull up wearing, fashionista Jeongin." 

The boy smiles. "You dress up nicely as well."

"You think?" He bats his eyelashes, completely controlled by his instincts to flirt. 

"You know you do, don't play coy now." Jeongin chuckles. He knows the other is no longer the shy boy he accidentally scared in their kitchen, knows he can be smug and a little bit impulsive. 

But he enjoys pushing his buttons discreetly in the same way he did before. "But I like hearing it from you." Jeongin chuckles again and his ears heat up. Cute. "Clearly you think so since you're wearing my hoodie."

"Shit," he mumbles. "You noticed that?"

"Pretty hard to miss," he lets his fingers travel through the sleeves of his hoodie engulfing Jeongin's frame and landing on his palm.

 Jeongin is frozen, letting Hyunjin tap on his hand, even if his urge is to do more. Even if his crazy urge is to take his hands, out of there, somewhere for just the two of them to be. 

Somewhere he's not aware of Felix's glances and giggles in their direction. 

"Well," Jeongin starts. "Does it look good on me, at least?"

This fucker. He needs to know where Jeongin learned to flirt like this and why it makes his heart palpitate like it's performing a marathon. 

"As if anything would look bad on you." 

"Good to know—"

"What are you two losers talking about in there?" Seungmin, the cockblocker, yells from the closet. "Help us pick an outfit for them." 

His flirting plans are unfortunately slowed down by the order, which he can't refute. Jeongin is a great help, and if by then the others haven't warmed up to him, that moment definitely helped them clear the remaining ice around. 

Hyunjin takes extra time deciding what to wear himself. It's hard to pick an option that doesn't scream his desperation when he so badly wants Jeongin to see him. Perceive him in the way he desires to be perceived by him alone. 

He's always been a romantic at the core, believing in the inside beats the outside at any moment. However, that had been dethroned by Jeongin ages ago, when they connected before without any hard try. 

Logically, he knows he is attractive. He's heard this countless times in his life and, although he never wanted his looks to define anything, he can't help but be aware of the power they can hold at that moment. 

The power they should hold when it comes to wooing someone. At least that's what Felix says when he sees his outfit. "Try hard."

"Look who is speaking, pick me girl." He teases back, noticing Seungmin's longing stare at the other. At least it was working for one of them. 

Jeongin is the last one to arrive, and despite the initial disappointment that the boy isn't wearing his hoodie anymore, something hungry settles in his stomach with the sight. Jeongin really cleans up well, especially for such occasions. 

"Close your mouth, a fly might enter." Jisung is the one teasing this time and he hates that he's so obvious about everything. 

Seungmin, surprisingly enthusiastic, doesn't waste a second to encourage them all to go outside. It's pretty cold and chilly due to the winter weather, but it's clear everyone is excited as they wait for the cabs. 

It's odd how such a dumb plan coming out of Jisung's mouth could have repercussions that would make all of them jiggle in their feet.

He watches Felix and Seungmin stand close to each other as humanly possible and smiles knowingly. It's about time those two got around to stop tiptoeing in their relationship. 

"Did you at least call two cabs? We can't fit in one." Seungmin points out when Jisung was making plans about what kind of drink he would even ask for. 

That shut Jisung up almost instantly. "Ah, shit. "

As usual, when Jisung does something stupid, it brings them all together in the whining agaisnt their friend. It has been his idea to invite Jeongin and then forgets to accommodate the younger, typical Jisung fashion. 

Thankfully, Jeongin seems to be the cold head of the bunch. "It's okay, I already called one for me while you guys were torturing Jisung."

"Finally someone is on my side!" Jisung mumbled.

"I'll go with you so you don't go alone," Seungmin offers, but it's cut off instantly by Felix grabbing his hand. 

They both blush like tomatoes. "Hyunjin will go with him! You should come with us," Felix days, smirking and God he should've known that was their plan all along.

Seungmin thinks nothing of the deal and when their cab arrives promises to meet each other there. Jeongin is pretending to be shy for some reason, as if he wasn’t flirting with him about 30 minutes ago. But Hyunjin was feeling eager and the unexpected took over his body. They’re sitting in the cab, and all he can think of is the ways he can get his hands on Jeongin. 

He settles for a hand on his thigh. Jeongin shudders and then, in totally Jeongin fashion, places his own hand on top of his. It’s clearly meant to be something more and Hyunjin knows, Jeongin knows. He feels giddy, out of control. It’s like that switch that’s been turned on to be careful around Jeongin, the one constantly piercing his mind with the knowledge that his friend’s brother, his roommate, has been shut down. 

He never wants to turn it back on again.

“I don’t think I have ever done clubbing.” Jeongin says. “But it was nice of them to invite me.”

“I would invite you either way even if they didn’t suggest it.” Hyunjin spurs, because why not. He has nothing to lose at that moment.

The other chuckled. “Would you?”

“I would want you there, for sure.”

“And why’s that.” Jeongin wonders but it’s teasing, a little mischievous. Just like he likes. 

“Like you don’t know.”

They both can’t keep eye contact. 

⋆

The club isn’t so bad. Jeongin and Hyunjin both get colourful yet non-alcoholic drinks because Jisung, Felix and Seungmin don’t seem to be taking the same path. However, they seem to be surprisingly loosening up. 

Felix is currently trying to teach Seungmin how to dance in the very crowded dance floor. It’s an endearing vision, to see Seungmin going loose, a little wilder, shining so brightly on Felix’s attention. “They look good together, don’t they?”

Jeongin laughs. Jisung, from his side, pretends to pay attention as he stares strongly at the handsome stranger in the bar sipping on his drink. “They look good together. It’s time someone unclenched my brother’s ass.”

Jisung, much to their dismay (and the handsome stranger) chokes on his drink. “Shit, do you think they’ll hook up? Shit, what if that completely messes up our dynamic?”

It’s clear Jisung is a little tipsy, if his overly emotional state means something. Hyunjin places his hands around his shoulders, in an attempt to console him. “They’ve been tip-toeing around each other for years, it’s time someone takes a step. Besides, if we are always going to be worried about the future,” he says, turning Jisung around to the stranger, clearly making eyes at him from the bar. “We might miss some great things.”

The stranger sips on his drink but it’s not fazed once by the interaction. In fact, his smile when he puts his glass down is bright and wide. Like he’s been waiting to get noticed.

Jisung shivers. “He’s way too hot,” he thinks he is mumbling but he’s sure the whole bar heard his words. Including the stranger laughing at the words.

“So are you!” Jeongin jumps in, winking at Hyunjin. “You’re wearing my best pants, all your good assets are showing and that guy is clearly into you.”

“No, you’re all dreaming,”

Hyunjin clears his throat, signalling at the boy. He needs Jisung to start living a little more, get a little  more out of his comfort shell, the same one he’s been hiding his whole life. “Hey, have you met my friend Jisung?”

“What the fuck are you doing?” Jisung hisses but they’re all smiling.

The man snickers. “I haven’t actually. He seems cute, can he actually speak?”

Jisung looks like he’s going to pass out. “This is the most embarrassing moment of my life.”

“He can speak, he’s just shy!” Hyunjin continues the game as Jeongin pushes the other further in the bar. 

“Well, I’m Minho and I would love to pay him a drink and see if he speaks.”

It’s funny how he breathes in, takes his drink in one sip and marches towards the boy with the cat features. Hyunjin watches him interact for a bit, getting immersed in conversation and feels extremely proud, like seeing a baby bird fly out of his nest. 

On the dance floor, Seungmin and Felix are closer than ever. He feels content about his friends, about the whole ordeal that they’ve decided to make by coming.

Jeongin seems to agree, scooting closer. “Finally it’s only the two of us.”

Hyunjin giggles. “Was that your master plan after all?”

“Isn’t my master plan so wonderful?” Jeongin whispers, dangerously close to his ear. “Everyone wins.”

And Hyunjin might be obvious to a lot of things but there is no fighting around what it all really means, not when Jeongin looks at him like he can't commit to stare at anyone else and Hyunjin is so drunk in his presence he keeps going back for more. 

"Do you want to dance too?" He asks because he loves getting loose, likes the way his body can take over with music and doesn't want to waste an opportunity ever again in his life. 

"I don't dance," Jeongin says. 

"I'll teach you, baby." 

Well, that is convincing. Next thing he knows they're so close to each other on the dance floor, tucked away from the crowd but not enough that it doesn't look like they don't belong. He's no longer thinking about what his friends are or not doing, instead he's just focused on Jeongin and how amazing he is, how beautiful he looks. 

How much he likes him. "Has anyone ever told you your face was shaped like the Gods or something?"

Jeongin laughs. "You're drunk."

"I had a coke just like you." He says because he needs the other to make sure he's on his right mind when he says these things, that he means it. "I'm serious," he moves his hand to touch his face, finding the boy leaning immediately in the touch. "You're so beautiful."

"Hyunjin…" Jeongin's face is warm, like the confidence he just exudes all the time slipped and gave room for the old shy boy he met all those months ago. 

"What, you think I'm lying?"

"I'm not sure what you're trying to imply."

Hyunjin brings both his hands to cup Jeongin's face. Angles his face better so he's sure they're maintaining eye contact. "Hey, look at me. I think you do." His heart beats in his chest, a rhythmic melody that fills the air. "Like I said, if we worry too much about the future, we might miss out on great things." 

He really thinks he's being slick with the approach, but in usual Jeongin fashion, the boy sweeps him off his feet and leans in, finally, finally, connecting their lips in a passionate kiss. 

And God, does he feel weak in the knees. Jeongin kisses like he has all the experience in the world, or perhaps, he just knows Hyunjin that well. It's nothing but a peck at first, a taste of the waters, but he grows impatient and so does the other and quickly they're unable to keep their hands from roaming on each other. 

Unable to keep their lips from connecting, over and over again, deepening the kiss as he opens his mouth and gives Jeongin the power to choose what to do next. 

It might be the environment around them that allows the passion to transbord out of their lips but it's so intense that Hyunjin has to double check everything he knew about the other, has to reevaluate their sweet and tame moments to make sure there's space in his brain for this more enthusiastic fire version of Jeongin.

"Jeongin," he can't help but mumble — perhaps more of a moan — of Jeongin's name because he feels insane, thinks he's going to go insane with desire. 

The other separates their lips as he stares at him, like he can't believe this has happened. He's not sure what to think of it either but Jeongin's pupils are fully dilated and he looks heavenly in the blue lights of the club and he wants to dive again, forget the world around—

"Thank God I found you!" Jisung's voice blocks every other thought about the situation he might have. Clearly the boy isn't catching on the social cue, as often, and the man from the bar is following him close behind, laughing at the interruption. 

"What the fuck do you want?" Hyunjin snickers because he can't believe he got blocked by his own friend. 

"Seungmin is pretty drunk. And so is Felix. I think we should take them home," 

And when he looks at the crowd, he sees the two boys doing the type of figure he would want to be saved from doing. One glance at Jeongin has the boy nodding, agreeing, and next thing they're doing is trying to swim in the ocean of bodies dancing and grinding on each other to get to their very drunk friends. 

"These idiots," Hyunjin mumbles, as Jisung and Jeongin try to carry the two with the help of the handsome stranger — Minho? Something like that. "You two are idiots."

"Hyunjin! You're here too! Felix, he's here!" Seungmin mumbles, cheeks red from the alcohol. 

Felix doesn't even speak, waves to the other and stumbles into someone. It's a mess, as it goes. Jeongin is laughing, bright and wide, so maybe it's not too bad. 

They reach outside quickly, the fresh air clearing out Hyunjin of his dazed state but clearly not enough for the other two boys. Felix is still not saying anything, choosing to overly cling to Jeongin who is trying very hard not to feel disgusted by the skinship. 

Hyunjin and Jisung hold onto Seungmin as he babbles nonsense about his crush on Felix. "And he's so cute! God, have you seen his button nose? And his little ears? Have you guys ever thought ears could be cute because I didn't!"

"I'm so sorry," Jisung says to the stranger, his own cheeks red with something else. "I really should take my friends home." 

"Don't worry, I think it's really sweet you take care of them." The boy says, unlocking his phone from his pocket and handing it to Jisung, who yet again, doesn't catch on to the social cue. 

"What?"

Hyunjin hits him in the head with his free hand. "Give him your number, idiot!"

He mumbles a ah right, before typing the phone number on the boy's phone and coughing."You'll text me?"

It's such a pity to say, Hyunjin wants to slap him. But the stranger must be weirder than he thought, because he smiles endearingly. "Of course. I look forward to seeing you in the daylight, Jisung."

At least someone managed to score that night. 

⋆

The cab ride is unbearable. Felix falls asleep on Jeongin which the younger is having a hard time adapting to. Seungmin hasn't shut up the whole time and Hyunjin is ready to dump him on the floor of the living room as soon as they get home. 

"Just put them both on Seungmin's room, Jisung you can sleep with me." Hyunjin says, forcing the two dead weights into the bed. Felix is out almost immediately which isn't surprising, but Seungmin is a bit harder to settle. 

Hyunjin decides to stay and help him as the two others prepare for bed. He places a blanket on top of them and strips them out of uncomfortable clothing pieces because he's that much of a good friend. 

"Hyunjin," Seungmin says, slurred and almost asleep. 

"Yes buddy?"

"You're a good friend, you know? I love you so much," 

He laughs. "I wasn't aware, it shocks me!"

Seungmin continues. "You do so much for me! And you're so good to Jeongin!" He gulps. He hasn't even thought about the other with this whole situation. "Can I be really honest?"

Hyunjin is not sure where this is going but he answers nonetheless. "Yes buddy."

"Don't break his heart." His heart stills at the words. "He's more sensitive than he lets on and he's not used to relationships like that. You get tired of your partners so fast, no matter how much you love them at first. Don't do that to him, I would hate to have to pick a side."

It's like he's stuck with a lightning bolt, like ten thousand knives strike through his chest, bleeding out all his insecurities. In the heat of the night, of the moment, of the months, he hasn't considered this at all. 

He's been called a serial romantic countless times, and has never been afraid to engage in relationships in search of the one. For him, every time he tries, it's a possibility. 

He didn't think about the intrinsics of the problem of one of those possibilities being Jeongin. His friend's brother. He can't believe he's been this selfish. 

He doesn't answer Seungmin, because the other is asleep the second he is done. But Hyunjin's mind is troubling for the rest of the night, as he avoids Jeongin in the house, as he hears Jisung typing on the phone, texting. 

His mind is a mess, a whirlwind of emotions. How could he have let this go so far, how could he have allowed this to spread this fast. His feelings for people have always been strong and real, but sometimes fleeting. He can't control those, and didn't think that there was anything wrong with this. 

However, Jeongin is new to this. He doesn't have the same emotional baggage Hyunjin has and he doesn't want to be the first name in his heartbreak list. He doesn't think Jeongin deserves to even have one. 

⋆

The next weeks leading out to Christmas break are the most awkward of his life. He's on the edge of his seat, avoiding both his roommates like the plague under the disguise of work and school.

Work that he's taken multiple shifts now, even more than usual, as an attempt to run away. Uni lessons and courses he's taken upon just to avoid being at home. 

He tries to maintain a sense of stability, says hello and good morning, sits down for breakfast and dinner but there's no denying he's thinking of something else. 

When asked he blames it on typical stress. The truth hurts a little more to voice aloud and he's not sure even who he can rely on. 

Seungmin is out of the equation. He unlocked the chain of events, even if unwillingly, and he's never been one to lie so his drunken words had to resonate to some degree with his own truth. 

Besides, he's too busy in his honeymoon phase with Felix. 

Yeah, they're dating. It's wonderful and cute and that also takes Felix out of the equation. He has never met someone who was a more awful liar, so he can't confess these feelings to Felix because he won't be able to hide them for longer. 

Jisung is another player that he can't confide in. He simply doesn't want to ruin the happy bliss state he's going through with his new hot boyfriend Minho. 

All he is left to do and feel is the weight of his own thoughts, crushing down on him as he beats himself up for being an idiot, for indulging in those selfish feelings and letting his heart speak louder than his mind, over and over again. 

As fast as that night came, Christmas break was upon them. It was awkward. Seungmin was going back home, as he does, and Hyunjin was going to stay alone because his mother is miles away from him, running from everything and nothing at once. But this time, the empty feeling of the apartment is going to weigh more, as much as it's been weighing the lack of Jeongin in his life. 

Jeongin who occupied such a space in his life. He didn't realise how much until he lost it, which was the irony of it all. 

By the time they were saying their goodbyes, he noticed, finally giving himself the opportunity to really notice, he saw it. 

Jeongin looks terrible. He looks tired, exhausted, and glum. Not at all the bright presence he's so used to; in his place there's a dark cloud hovering, lingering, the premonition of something bad to come. 

This is your fault. He thinks. He did all of this and he just hopes the distance is enough to cure it, make it forgettable and digestible. He needs Jeongin to move forward and find someone who will be willing to stay forever.

Not a fleeting soul like Hyunjin. 

He's spent years convincing himself he wasn't his mother, running away from everything steady and palpable. But maybe he just transported those into his romantic life, running away from love as soon as it stopped being beneficial and easy. As soon as things got deeper, he dipped. 

He couldn't do this to Jeongin. He's experienced, first hand, how much it hurts someone.

"Are you sure you're okay spending Christmas alone?" Seungmin had offered for a place in his table for the holiday but he needed the distance from Jeongin. 

Jeongin who barely kept eye contact with him from behind Seungmin. He coughed. "I appreciate it but I'm not a huge Christmas person anyways." 

The tension in the air could be cut with a knife. Seungmin felt it, with his eyebrow raised, as if he was begging for Hyunjin to come clean. 

But right now, all Hyunjin wanted was to lay down and forget the holiday season was upon him and he was more miserable than ever. 

"Okay, I'll call you anyways," Seungmin finishes, giving him a tentative hug. A hug he can't help but squeeze all the energy out of. "I left a present for you in the tree anyways." 

Hyunjin laughed. "I also left one for you in your bag." 

"When did you do that?" Seungmin reaches for his bag, but Jeongin stops him. 

"We have to go. The cab is waiting for us." His voice lacks any enthusiasm and typical Jeongin energy and Hyunjin wants to collapse right there and then, knowing he was the reason for the mood drop. 

Seungmin eyes both of them. He's not looking forward to the conversation he'll try to pull out of him. "Okay… See you before New Year's then."

That sparks his interest. "You guys are coming for new year's?" 

"If you've kept up with the group chat you would know that Jisung and Felix are too; we want to celebrate together!" Seungmin rolls his eyes but there's clearly a hint of worry in his tone. 

He dismisses the rest of the conversation as he rushes them outside. He's so overwhelmed with all the information and emotions, he needs to clear out his thoughts. Jeongin is the last to leave, pushing his suitcase with a pained expression. 

He doesn't even have it in him to say goodbye. He hates himself for letting things drag like this. 

Why did he have to kiss Jeongin? He should've never crossed that line, that blurred line between flirting and acting on it, because now he doesn't know how he could ever mend that relationship.

He's always been afraid of hurting Jeongin and now he's doing the exact same. Selfish behaviour, one could say. 

He buries his head in the pillow and screams with all his might.

⋆

He's not ignoring calls on purpose, he tells himself. He's definitely not pretending to be sick for the sake of not talking to any of his friends, absolutely not, who do you think he is?

All his Instagram feed shows him in despair: Jisung on vacation with his family, while hot stranger-not-longer a stranger Minho comments the fire emoji in every single of his posts. Must be some inside joke. 

Felix is out in sunny Australia, taking pictures of the beach, posting funny conversations and voice chats between him and Seungmin on his stories.

Jeongin's feed is less turbulent, compared to his usual swarm of posts. He still shows his outfits every day and he can see him commenting on his friends posts as well (he's not stalking, he just accidentally comes across it!) but it lacks something that he can't pinpoint. 

Hyunjin feels horrible. He hates the holidays.

It's on Christmas Eve when he wakes up later than usual, forgetting to charge his phone during the night. It's completely dead and he's honestly happy about it, he couldn't stand to see what everyone is doing for the holidays. 

He's preparing a late breakfast when the doorbell rings. He's tempted to ignore it but something drags his feet to the door, opening it. He almost feels like crying when the person smiles at him. "Hey honey, I knew you would be home."

"Mom!" He throws his arms around her. It's been months since he's seen her, a couple days without talking on the phone. He doesn't question why she's here, how it happened, just hugs her tighter. 

His mother is the one person in the world who is able to read him like no other, so she doesn't let go until he's gasping for air and eager to talk. "Mom! What are you doing here?"

She smiles, asking if she can come in. There's no bags with her, just her usual small pouch that carries all the items she deems essential (Hyunjin knows these all with the back of his hand: wallet, no keys because she never had ones to settle, an envelope with memories, a medicine pack for migraines and pepper spray), but she still brings a small present in her hands. "I need to give my special boy a gift, don't I?"

"You're here!" He smiles so wide it hurts his face. He hasn't smiled like that in weeks. 

She cups his cheek. "I'm here angel." 

It's not until a grocery store trip later — to buy food for a celebratory dinner of course! —, a dinner that tasted of love and everything he missed, and a cheesy Christmas movie that he feels like breaking down again. 

His mother doesn't tell him much, clearly holding things back; he supposes that's something they have in common, always living in the present for no regrets. Even if there's things killing them inside. 

"Mom, why are you really here?" He says. 

She doesn't hesitate to answer back. "Why are you here alone?" 

Neither of them says anything. There's always something holding them down. It's a habit that Hyunjin has introspected a lot these days, years spending begging to himself to not become the same person his mother drowned in. 

Isn't that exactly who he was now? When will the cycle break? "I screwed everything, mom." He says, because he doesn't want to be his mother anymore. "I think I'm more like you than I thought I was. Always running away." 

She chuckles, dry but understanding. "That's not a good thing to be, angel." 

"I thought I was a romantic person, that's what I used to justify why I got into so many relationships. But the moment it gets serious, I pull away. Why am I so scared?" 

"Is this about the boy you were smitten with?" 

"It's bad news, mom." He says, laying down on her lap. He missed being the mama's boy, for so long the only friend he had ever had. With all her flaws and wrongdoings, he couldn't imagine a world where she didn't exist. "It's Jeongin."

She laughs, as if she doesn't really understand what's so bad at the news. "Your roommate Jeongin? Seungmin's brother?"

"I can't break his heart. That would destroy all my close relationships. He's not used to this, what if I get tired of him and scared, just like I do, every single time?"

His mother combs his hair gently, a touch that's so reassuring he almost purrs into the gesture. He hasn't gotten this much contact with a human being in weeks, he didn't realize how starved he was becoming. "Listen to me, Hyunjin."

The lack of a nickname is alarming, but she continues nonetheless. "I have spent my whole life running away from something: my parents, ex boyfriends, your father, " they both shudder at that. "And it has cost me so much. It has cost me stability, made me a solitary woman and more importantly, it has cost me you. These last years without you have been the hardest and made me think much about it. I don't want you to end like me." 

He closes his eyes as she combs his hair, sweetly and gently, laying the words he's always wanted to hear his whole life. "I'm so sorry for what you're going through but… if you continue being afraid, you'll never know when happiness knocks at your door. And if, ultimately, you realise he's not what you wanted, I trust you to be the bigger person and do it maturely. But who knows, maybe he's the one."

"Do you even believe the one could exist, mom?"

She laughs. "I also spent my whole life looking for the one, the one person who would fill the void in my life when he's always been under my nose, you know?"

"He has? Who is this man I need to have a talk with?" He jokes, even knowing exactly who she's talking about.

"Silly boy." 

It's comforting, in a way he hasn't felt in so long. He was ready to spend Christmas Eve alone but didn't think much about what it meant about sacrificing. He's glad his mother has surprised him during the holiday season, and he tells her right that. 

"I actually am here for a whole other reason," she pats him so he can sit up. "I got a job in the city." 

That perks his attention. "A job? An actual job?"

"It's hopefully something to stay. I also gathered all my funds and rented a little apartment a couple minutes away from here." 

"Mom…" He feels like crying, if the implications are what he's reading. 

"It's a two-room apartment. I was hoping, if you're interested, we could be roommates. I know you love this house and living with your friends but, if it's not too late, I would like for the two of us to have a home. "

And Hyunjin, who has never had a home in his entire life, starts crying. It's a couple minutes before he can utter a response, with his mother patting his back and whispering reassuring words.

"Let me think about it?" 

"You have much to think about, angel." 

⋆

All of a sudden, the next day is the last day of the year. He barely has time to think about his mom's offer and the eventual return of his roommates when he walks into the apartment and Seungmin and Jeongin are arguing about who gets to drink the last milk in the fridge. 

"You have been pampered by mom this whole time, it's a bit unfair I don't get to drink my milk and cereals because you want to make coffee!" Jeongin says and God , it aches so much. Just Jeongin's presence, his voice, he missed it so much. 

What is he going to do with his life?

"You're the one who was pampered by everyone! Oh, Jeonginie is so big, isn't he Seungmin? I wanted to barf the whole time." Seungmin sounds the same, granted it's only been a couple days, but Hyunjin has missed both of them terribly. 

(Jeongin more than he thought.)

"Stop arguing, I got more milk." He places the grocery bags on top of the counter, surprising both of them. Jeongin immediately stiffs, awkward as it was before. Thankfully Seungmin immediately drops the argument and hugs him tightly. 

"Hyune!" He cries out. "I fucking missed you so much! I thought you had died, you haven't answered my texts as usual, I've been freaking out!"

He hates himself. "I'm sorry, my mom was in town." It's half a truth, which is more than to confess his hidden feelings. 

"Oh my God, Hyune!" He reacts immediately and he can even glimpse a smile in Jeongin's face, even if he tries to uncover it as fast. They both know how the relationship with his mother is sort of complicated, and how much daily he misses her. "That's awesome! You guys must've spent so much time together." 

"You must have missed her a lot," Jeongin says and in that moment, after weeks of not sharing even a word, Hyunjin makes his decision. He loves these guys, loves spending time with them and living with them has been a dream. 

He does, however, miss his mother. "She's working in town now. She got a house here." 

"That's so cool?" Seungmin says, forcing him to sit down on the kitchen island stools. "Is she staying for real?"

"Yeah, she's settling down." He says, bubbling happiness in his chest. "She asked if I wanted to live with her." Jeongin, who had taken the task to put away the groceries, stops in his tracks. Seungmin widens his eyes. He figured this wasn't the best welcoming message to have, but it's almost the last day of the year. He has to make matters better. "I think I'm going to say yes."

If he had any doubts about Seungmin, as a friend and the person he cares the most about in the world, they all dissipate at that moment. "This is amazing news!" He hugs him tightly, happiness bubbling in his chest. "I never wanted to bring it up because I knew it hurt you but I know you love her so much." 

He chuckles. "Are you not angry at me?" 

He realises his words, muffled in Seungmin's neck as they hug, are thrown with an eye on Jeongin. Jeongin who gulps, and can't keep eye contact. Jeongin who he has hurt so deeply. 

"What kind of monster would I be?" Seungmin asks. "Living or not living together doesn't take anything from our relationship. I will definitely miss you but I'd much rather you be happy." 

"It's only a ten minute walk anyways," he mumbles in the midst of his eyes watering. 

Seungmin doesn't look any better. "You should've opened with that!"

For the better or the worst, he spends the rest of the afternoon chatting with Seungmin about their holidays, about the things he had to fight back not to text the other about. There’s something so refreshing about spending time with your best friend, recharging and cleaning off all the bad energies that have surrounded his body. 

It’s not until he’s in his bed, twisting and turning that he understands that it wasn’t enough to just be with Seungmin and come clean about his mother and his recent moving plans. The hole in his chest is still open, a wound that he’s only going to be able to heal when he talks to Jeongin. 

The weeks they’ve been apart, his time with his mother, he’s found himself more and more thinking about him. Not just about hurting the boy, but about how mundane stuff could make the other excited. The tea his mom brewed on Christmas day, about how the other was going to love it; the scarf he found on the retail store that would fit with Jeongin’s clothes; the paintings he keeps scraping because they’re enough, the inspiration that has left his body because the other isn’t around anymore. 

It’s like having a personal sun that died down because you took it for granted. A bright star that erupted into his ultimate death, one that Hyunjin caused by never addressing the kiss. 

The clock striking from above the fridge gives the night an even bigger eerie feeling than before. He’s severely overthinking the boy’s return, on top of the mess of bubbling thoughts in his mind that the infamous night had ensured. 

He can still remember how Jeongin looked under the lights of the club, his blonde hair painted by the blue hues, as his eyes sparkled when they got closer. Intoxicating how his lips felt against him, slotted so perfectly. Can still recall how he wanted more, how he wanted to pull him closer and kiss him until he remembered nothing but his name.

“Hyunjin?” His voice was undeniable, even in the late of the night. 3AM read in the clock. “Still awake?”

He had just gotten up for some water, it’s his own fault for staying so long in the kitchen. Now he’s trapped in this awkward situation. The only reassuring thought is that Jeongin is speaking to him. “Yeah, I couldn't sleep.”

Not fully the truth, but better than what the truth could offer. These days, he’s chosen that route various times. Jeongin simply hums. “I see.”

“What about you?” he asks dumbly. Why would he try to make conversation if not for his weak outbursts and busy mind. 

“Same thing,” he says, like they’re talking normally. As if they haven’t been avoiding each other for the past weeks. “Got a lot in my mind?”

Later, he would blame his next words on instinct, familiarity. “Like what?”

“Like you.”

Simply as that, the cat out of the bag, in the open. He should’ve known, sooner or later, it would come back to scratch him. “Jeongin…” Because what else is he supposed to answer and think? 

“We really need to talk.” He utters, taking large steps closer and into his space behind the kitchen island.

“It’s three in the morning,” he answers foolishly, because he might have started this but is not sure where he wants it to go anymore.

It barely affects Jeongin who continues until he’s sure Hyunjin can’t bolt away in the same fashion he’s been sporting recently. “If I don’t get you now, I’m afraid you’ll slip away again.”

God, he’s been hurting the other for too long. “I’m sorry. I know I haven’t exactly been a good friend to you.”

“You haven’t been anything to me, at all,  lately! You went from someone I deeply cared about to a stranger I have to see for convenience sake every day. It’s hurting me.”

It’s a punch in his gut, like someone is purposely sticking their finger in the open wound in his heart. It’s horrible that he has dragged this situation for so long and he’s not sure he has what it takes to turn it around. “I—”

The words make it easy to fail him when Jeongin is breaking right in front of him. “Did I make you uncomfortable? That was it, wasn’t it? I took more than I could’ve had, flew too close to the sun, and made you do something you didn’t want.”

Another punch in the gut, a stab in his back. How could Jeongin think that? How untrue could those words be considering the whole issue? It’s so far from the truth and yet, he can’t find a good answer.

Jeongin continues, because they might have been apart but some habits never die and Hyunjin can read him like an open book. When he’s nervous, he rambles. “I know how I read it all wrong. I thought we had something else because I’m naive and a fool who is not used to relationships and shit like this so I didn’t understand. And before I knew, I had fallen deep in you and I totally misunderstood. I am so sorry, I need you to know how sorry I am.”

No, he thinks. He can’t bear to hear it any longer, there isn’t a world where he would let Jeongin think that he isn’t deep in him as well. There isn’t a world where he isn’t so far into Jeongin that he’s scared, that he ruined everything. He’s so attracted to Jeongin’s pole, in every aspect, from his morning hair all messed up, to his silent company that fills the void in his life, that shuts the noise in his brain. There isn’t a world, a universe even, where Hyunjin isn’t irrevocably in love with Jeongin.

Oh.

He’s in love.

That sure makes the decision a lot easier but turns the words even more dangerous. He takes a step closer. Jeongin is still rambling. “I hope this doesn’t stain your relationship with my brother—”

“Jeongin,” he mumbles, inching closer and cupping his cheeks. The touch burns, it’s intense and fiery and Hyunjin has missed the thrill, all reminiscent of their kiss, all those nights ago.

“—I really don’t want to be the inconvenience—”

“Jeongin!” He can’t help to not listen to the last words as he slots their lips together.

It’s not their first kiss but the butterflies roaming in his stomach might as well showcase a certain innocence and naiveness to their gesture, much different from before. It’s simply a touch of lips, nothing more, but Hyunjin is intoxicated, has been. He’s had a taste of that fruit and now he’s afraid he won’t want anything else after.

It becomes tame until the fire is consumed by Jeongin’s little noises and suddenly it’s so much more; He’s caged in the counter by Jeongin’s arms, using his own to cup his cheeks and make sure the other doesn't even think about letting go. 

“Hyune—” Jeongin says in between the kisses but he doesn’t allow the other more than that as he slots their lips together once more, hungry and desperate. Starved. That’s all he’s been. 

Kissing Jeongin is majestic, it’s out of this world. Kissing Jeongin is not just a fire that can’t be tamed, it’s one he actively seeks for. It’s bursting out of his seams with pleasure and need, it’s a primal urge to switch his brain off and let his emotions take over. A survival instinct. 

Hyunjin is addicted to him. Like he’s never been before. “Don’t say anything.” 

“Why,” is mumbled in between kisses and wandering hands. 

“You’ll say something stupid and ruin the moment.” 

That awakens Jeongin from his trance. The boy stops the kisses, non-threatening before smiling so wide Hyunjin is afraid to go blind. It’s like looking directly at the sun. “So, I’m stupid?”

“I didn’t say that!” He tries to justify.

“You said I am the most likely in this relationship to say something stupid!” Jeongin grins; He looks so happy, glowing, and there’s a certain pride in knowing he’s the reason the other looks like that.

He’s so happy. “This relationship?”

That shuts the cocky grin out of Jeongin’s face immediately. God, he’s so cute. Momentarily he forgets why he didn’t do this sooner, why he didn’t pursue this happiness before. The cold truth strikes him as Jeongin replies. “If you want? I just—I have so many questions.”

He knows. This moment was going to happen sooner or later, the burst of the bubble they found themselves in. 

Jeongin continues. “Why did you ignore me? If it wasn’t because I came too strong then I have no other reason to understand your actions. And trust me, I searched my mind for weeks for an explanation.”

“It really wasn’t your fault at all,” Hyunjin sighs deeply. "I don't want to hurt you."

"That really isn't your decision to make, is it?" Jeongin perks his head, the cute tilt he does when he's being serious. 

How could've he have doubted his feelings for the other when he knows all the quirks that make up his personality. 

"Seungmin doesn't want me to break your heart." 

Jeongin's face goes through about 10 different emotions. "You told him?"

"No, he drunkenly told me the night we kissed. I don't know what he meant but… he mentioned picking a side. I couldn't stop obsessing with the idea that this might all end eventually."

Jeongin cups his cheeks, eyes so full of tenderness. "I think we are both adults that can resist if, in the eventuality we break up, we can be civil about it." He pecks his lips. For someone with so much inexperience, Jeongin is a box of surprises. "However, I don't want to end what could be a great thing before even starting. I really really like you." 

Hyunjin blushes. He blushes ! Who is this boy and how does he erupt these reactions from his body? "Jeongin, God . You make me feel all these things…"

Jeongin laughs. He's so happy, it's visible in his expression. Hyunjin himself feels floating in the clouds. "Good things I hope." 

"The best things." He kisses the other, again and again, until his back hurts from being shoved in the counter. Until Jeongin pulls him to the couch and they kiss even more, with Jeongin caging him to the back of the couch, on top of him, like they have nothing better to do. 

They trade sweet nothings all night, talk about everything that they hadn't talked about in weeks, catch up on things in their lives. Hyunjin hears Jeongin talk about visiting his dad's grave and how much comfort it gave him; on the other hand, Hyunjin offers his small happiness with being with his mother again. 

He trusts Jeongin so much, he could spend hours and hours immersed in conversation with the other but they still needed to sleep and Seungmin, the early riser, would be awake in about 2 hours. 

For some cheesy reason, they can't separate from one another. Their hands linked, their lips sealed, like they're taking all the time in the world to map each other. Their rooms are by each other and they're still kissing in the corridor like starved men. 

"Does this mean we are boyfriends?" Jeongin says in between kisses, between hands travelling underneath Hyunjin's shirt, from his back to his stomach. 

"Take me on a date first." 

Jeongin's eyes bug out of his face in an hilarious reaction. "For real?"

"You big idiot, of course we are boyfriends." Hyunjin seals the deal with a kiss. That evolves into three other as a consequence. "I'm going to boyfriend you so hard."

"Not if I do it first." Jeongin looks determined and it's an endearing sight. 

This time he falls asleep with a dopey smile on his face and the ghost of Jeongin's lips all over his mind. 

⋆

Jeongin keeps his promise. They start the year on their right foot, unable to keep their hands away from each other. Hyunjin tries to be the best boyfriend he can be, if his favourite dramas and books have taught him anything about it. But how can he do so when his competition is Jeongin? 

Jeongin who waits for him in the morning to have breakfast together, without fail. Who picks him up from class, casually lounges around his studio as he paints, reads Hyunjin’s books and watches his favourite shows so he can be on par when Hyunjin wants to rant.

For someone who has never been a boyfriend before, he sure plays the part well. 

The only thing Jeongin has the most trouble with is public displays of affection. He’s a private person, who keeps his touches and his kisses inside four walls. At first he thought it was paranoia, because after all, no one knew about their relationship yet. But quickly it came to the conclusion that Jeongin was just shy. 

Besides, he thinks they’re both traumatised by the way Felix and Seungmin act in public. “Seungmin, please tell your boyfriend to stop playing footsies with me under the table.” Jisung is, by far, the one who is fed up with them.

Felix blushes so deeply he matches the colour of the sushi they’re eating. The five of them sit in their favourite all you can eat restaurant, with Jeongin at the head of the table passing down the pieces. They all have to control their laughter at Seungmin and Felix’s horrified expressions. 

“I’ve been doing it since dinner started, why are you only telling me now?”

“I wanted to see how long you would keep it up.” Jisung jokes and they can’t control it anymore, bringing the attention of the whole restaurant with their hysterical laugh. “It was honestly impressive, kudos for you.”

Jeongin makes a face. “You guys are disgusting. Can’t you keep your hands for each other?”

See what he means? Jeongin is a very private person; in public, it’s all cordial and respectable. If only they knew the way he gets handsy in private. 

“Shut up, virgin.” Seungmin teases and he swears everyone’s faces fall at the comment. 

Except Jeongin, who just sticks his tongue out. “Yeah because you have so much game. The walls in the house are fucking thin.” 

Felix hits his head on the table with a thump as Jisung laughs like a maniac and almost chokes on his sashimi. Even Hyunjin cracks a smile, reminding of the other night when Jeongin had begged to sleep in his bed because his brother was being disgusting next door. 

(At the time it sounded like Jeongin just needed an excuse to fall asleep kissing Hyunjin, his new favourite hobby. He now thinks he must’ve been genuinely terrified.)

“Can we please not talk about this anymore?” Felix begs but Jisung barely finishes chewing before he’s speaking again.

“What about in class? I was seated by their side and I could see Felix’s hand up his thigh.”

Hyunjin makes a face. “You guys are disgusting.”

“Like you were any better! What the fuck is wrong with you and all your love songs in your Instagram story? Do you have a crush?” Felix spats, pointing his chopsticks aggressively at him.

“Instagram story? Imagine having to listen to Taylor Swift’s Lover on repeat for days!” Seungmin points out. “I didn’t even think about this but shit Hyune, are you crushing on someone?”

Him and Jeongin trade a not so subtle look as he fumbles in his brain for an answer. Jeongin, who was previously excitedly participating in the conversation and making fun of his friends — who are now his friends as well —, is now pretending to pay extra attention to his sushi plate. 

Let it be known, Hyunjin doesn’t act well under pressure. He cracks like an egg in the pan under their stares. “Maybe?”

It’s chaos. Full on. The whole table erupts in screaming, questions floating around: who is this person, how did they meet, how long has it been going on? 

He doesn’t answer that. Jeongin burns like a tomato under their questions and doesn’t even bother to hide the discomfort. Hyunjin decides to be the brave one and tackle their attacks. “I’m not telling you guys if you keep acting like this!”

“This is crazy,” Seungmin has been mumbling for the past minute. “Is this why you made me and Jeongin watch Pride and Prejudice the other night?”

(No, the reason he made them watch was because he kept daydreaming about Mr.Darcy to Jeongin and the other wanted to know what was so good about a fictional man. It just happened that Seungmin got home from work early and caught them on their date-not-really-a-date moment.)

“Do we know this person?” Jisung asks, trading a look with Felix. Their weird telepathy was definitely at full force because their next stare was in Jeongin’s direction. 

He gulped. “Maybe?”

Seungmin continued oblivious to their communication and tried to scavenge for more information but Hyunjin was resisting the best he could. Until his knight came to save him. “Cut it off guys, he’ll tell you when he wants to.” Jeongin was stern. Thankfully that was enough to shut the whole table.

“Okay, Jesus.” Seungmin says, getting up. “Just gonna hit the little room. Don’t eat my wasabi pieces when I’m gone.” He points at Jisung, who rolls his eyes and immediately steals one when he’s out of sight. 

That same moment Felix turns to him, once again pointing his chopsticks at him. “You two… I can’t fucking believe!”

Hyunjin blushes, deep, and Jisung, as the annoying presence in his life, immediately realises it. “Shit, Hwang Hyunjin is blushing! In my years of being his friend I never saw him blush like that.”

“He always blushes hard, though,” Jeongin says without thinking. It has immediate consequences as Felix and Jisung start yelling at them again. The most intense game of ping pong starts:

“When did you guys get together?”

“How doesn’t Seungmin know?”

“Are you planning on telling him?”

“Is that why you weren’t offended by the virgin comment, because I would be—”

“Please, stop talking!” Jeongin brings his hands to his head. “We just did okay, we like each other. Isn’t that what people do when they like each other? And Seungmin doesn’t know because he’s an idiot.”

“And we really don’t know how to tell him.” Hyunjin confesses.

Jeongin sighs. “Trust me, we tried so many times.”

And it’s the truth. In the past months they’ve tried their all to give hints to Seungmin: maybe the Lover thing was stupid idea but Hyunjin tried much direct ones, like telling him about all the paintings Jeongin had inspired him to do, about them getting dinners together, going on park strolls, having breakfast together.

But Seungmin doesn’t get the hint. It’s like he can’t picture the two of them together as more than good friends. And ultimately, that’s their biggest fear. Seungmin might not be supportive if he knows, will he find it weird? Will Hyunjin’s biggest fear about staining his relationship with Seungmin happen because he won’t think he’s good enough for his little brother?

As Seungmin approaches, Jeongin begs again, using those irresistible puppy eyes of his. “Please don’t tell him. I want to do it in my own way.”

They drop the subject thankfully, going around to talk about Jisung’s inability to understand what Minho really feels for him (“Like, I don’t know if we are dating! It’s so confusing!”) to Hyunjin’s move to his mother’s house. They finally had a chance to meet her after almost two years and Hyunjin had confessed it made him emotional to see his friends —a family he found all on his own —alongside his mother. 

He even introduced Jeongin as his boyfriend, to which his mother immediately made a joke about him being way too pretty for him because you know, she’s a cool mom like that.

Overall dinner had been nice, as January wrapped up on them. Seungmin had gone home with Felix that night, something they both expected seeing the way they couldn’t keep literally their hands from each other. That meant it was only him and Jeongin, with the house all on their own. 

There was something so comfortable about being alone together, cleaning the dishes they hadn’t done from lunch and walking around in their cosy clothes — Jeongin with his sweatshirt, the one he still hasn’t given back.  They worked in silence, next to each other and this was what was so different about his relationship with the other. Never in previous relationships would he feel so comfortable so fast, just letting time pass by them, no rush. Even though his heart was beating fast at Jeongin’s side and presence, it was a comforting type of rush. One he couldn’t control, slowly taking over him. 

They were brushing their teeth together in the bathroom when Jeongin got his attention by coughing. “Yeah?”

“It’s almost February.” He states, as a matter of fact. 

“Yes, I am aware. Thank you for being such a reliable calendar.”

Jeongin punches him lightly, before wrapping his arms around his middle from behind. The heat he irradiates is comforting, soothing. “Valentine’s is in two weeks.”

“Wow, already planning ahead? I thought I was the romantic in this relationship!” He teases, dragging them around the house until they hit Jeongin’s room.

“Nevermind then!” He tries to escape Hyunjin’s grip but he just pushes them both down in the bed and sits on top of him, effectively caging him. Jeongin, this time, is the one blushing. It’s in moments like this, when he gets the thrill of having the upper hand on Jeongin, that his boyfriend looks the most lovely. In that moment, he knows he made the right decision by not giving up on him.

Reinforces again how much in love he is with Jeongin. Because being in love with Jeongin is easy: soft mornings, even softer evenings. Curious and wandering hands, letting the boy explore him at his pace and taking control of their relationship, getting loose in the desire that is being with him.

Being with Jeongin is thrilling and soft at the same time. It leaves his heart beating out of his ribcage when he’s sweet without thinking while also soothing him with kisses and love whispers. Being with Jeongin is coming home excited to see him and leaving the house missing him. Is being home, in all the ways Hyunjin has desired.

“Tell me, Innie.” He says, leaning him to kiss every available surface in his face. “I want to know everything you have to say.”

“You’re so sappy,” he says this often but then smiles, giggles, and makes sure to kiss back to reassure Hyunjin that he loves it. Not that he needs to do anything, Hyunjin can see by the way he glows under his touches. 

Being with Jeongin is never doubting he makes him happy, because it’s so obvious. He thinks that’s the most telling of all.

“Tell me!” He whines.

“Okay, damn…” Jeongin chuckles. “I was thinking… Can you let me plan it? I know I don’t have much experience but I want to try to plan a nice date for us.”

That fills his heart with warmth. Jeongin is so sweet. “And I’ve told you I don’t care about your experience. Of course you can plan the date, I will be very excited to see what you come up with.”

“Just don’t get your hopes up, you know. I’ve never done this—”

He kisses him patiently, cups his cheeks with all the love he can muster. He needs Jeongin to know how much he doesn’t care about it. “Innie, whatever you plan, I’m going to love it. You know why? Because you’re going to be there. And I love being with you.” I love you.

Jeongin giggles, kissing back. Soft, patient. Sweet. “You feel like a dream.”

Hyunjin thinks he’s going to start crying. He’s so lucky. “Then let’s hope we can keep dreaming like this for a very long time.”

⋆

“Why do you have so much crap?” Jisung wonders as they’re helping him carry the boxes to the hallway. He’s moving tomorrow back to his mother and the pick up truck will be up and running early in the morning, so they have to prepare all the boxes soon. 

It also happens that it’s valentine’s day. Which is less than ideal. But Jeongin has promised to plan it all and he mentioned the move wouldn’t have much effect on the outcome. At least he hopes.

“I don’t know, okay! I had no idea I had accumulated so much in the past year.” Hyunjin mentions, surprising himself at all the stack boxes.

“And I already carried some of his paintings back home, it was quite a funny sight.” His mom had been helping around as well; even though it’s been an inconvenience how much she gets along with his friends and refuses to stop talking about all his young incidents. 

Also she keeps winking every time she sees Jeongin carry the boxes like they weigh nothing. Hyunjin admits the sight has been getting him light headed the whole day. “Mom, you can go back now.”

“I wouldn’t want to ruin your valentine’s day anyways.” She winks, patting Jeongin on the back as he almost drops the box he currently is holding onto. “Be responsible boys.”

“Go away!”

“Your mom is the coolest,” Felix mumbles, sitting on the kitchen island doing absolutely nothing and getting away with it because none of them can say no to him. “I think she has a little crush on Jeongin.”

“I’m a mom magnet, what can I say?” Jeongin chuckles, going back to pack some other of his belongings like the thoughtful boyfriend he was. 

Seungmin shows up a couple seconds after, from his room. He looks gloomy, kissing Felix on the cheek before asking Hyunjin if he could speak with him a bit. He knew this was coming, sooner or later, and he’s not so surprised that Seungmin has waited until the very last moment to sort out his feelings about Hyunjin moving out.

They’ve been living together since day one of freshman year, and hit off almost as quickly. They’ve been best friends, inseparable almost. Seungmin was the first person Hyunjin has ever felt like home, like something he wanted to hold onto dear life.  “I’m going to miss you, you know?” He can’t help the words, effectively ruining the speech he knows Seungmin had prepared. 

“Hyune… let me okay?”

They both laugh at that. “Ruined your speech? You probably wrote it all down in a word file like the nerd you are.”

“Shut up,” Seungmin blushes. “It was on Google Docs.”

He knows Seungmin from the back of his hand, he’s sure there’s no one else in this world he would rather have with him for the rest of his life like his best friend. “Tell me.”

“I actually have something I wanted to give you,” he says, reaching out to the package on top of the bed. Hyunjin eyes it suspiciously; Seungmin isn’t the gift type, he’s been mocked about how terrible a sense of gift giving he has. “It’s not much but, I guess I wanted you to have something to remind you of this house.”

He can’t help but smile fondly at the gift: a framed picture of the two of them wrapped around the same blanket on the living room couch. Jeongin had taken that picture in the beginning of the year, when he moved in, and he had no idea he still had it around, as it was used to make fun of them. 

“I love it,” he says, genuinely, because it might have been something simple but it holds sentimental meaning and importance. A reminder of the first home he ever had. “It’s everything to me. I’m going to miss living with you and your scheduled tasks on the fridge and even the stupid swearing jar that’s always full.”

“That’s because we are always swearing,”

“Yeah, we are.” He hugs Seungmin, knowing this isn’t a goodbye at all but that the end of an era still hurts the same. “Besides, I’m only 10 minutes away. We will still see each other often.”

“I know, of course.” Seungmin mumbles. The next words hurt the most. “The house will feel so empty without you.”

In a way, he thinks his own house will as well. 

An hour later, with all the boxes packed and ready to go, they sit together in the kitchen island as Jisung complains about his love life, which recently, has been his favourite hobby. “I just— I don’t get it. Does he see me as his boyfriend? He hasn’t kissed me once! Not even a sneaky butt slap.”

“You have very weird definitions of courting,” Jeongin chuckles. 

“That’s fair Jisung but you haven't as well.” Seungmin points out, hidden behind a Felix perched on his lap. “Have you tried to kiss him or do anything? Maybe that’s why he doesn’t do it as well.”

“Seungmin, you idiot.” He says, “in the game of love, the hot one is the one who has to make the first move. It’s like, universal law or some shit. It’s probably written in the constitution.”

“Who said that?” Seungmin enters the heated argument.

“The world! Didn’t Felix make the move on you? It’s proven.”

That makes Seungmin sputter his drink. “Are you implying Felix is the hot one?”

“Babe, I ain’t implying nothing. He simply is.”

That entertains the two of them for a couple minutes as Jeongin and Hyunjin laugh at each other and Jisung’s theory. He still isn’t able to read his boyfriend's mind but he’s sure Jeongin is puffing his chest with pride about having been the one to make the move twice in their relationship.

He thinks he’s okay with letting him feel confident about himself. In fact, he loves when Jeongin feels like that.

“So,” Jeongin interrupts when things become heated, “What are you going to do with the spare room?”

“You live here too, idiot.” Seungmin points out and Jeongin hums, as if he hasn’t realised he owns certain power over the decision as well. “I don’t know actually, we really don’t need to rent it.”

Jisung coughs at that. “Not to toot my own horn but… if we are still on the Minho subject, he was looking for an apartment? His current roommate sucks and he’s been meaning to dip out for months.”

Seungmin quirks his eyebrow. “So you want me to harbour your potential boyfriend in my humble abode?”

“Can’t a man suggest anything in this household, chill…” Jisung whispers, like he isn’t super bothered by the conversation and teasing.

Felix laughs. “He just wants to fall in his boyfriend's good graces.”

“He’s not my boyfriend!” 

After a couple more cries and complaints, they all settle for their plans of the day since they all seem to be pretty busy for the Valentine season. Hyunjin decides to travel back to his mother’s (his house now, still takes time to open up to that idea), and waits for whatever Jeongin has planned for them.

He’s quite excited for the plans, and knows Jeongin will make sure to bring out his best game for that night, not that he ever needed it. He's such a good boyfriend already and logically he knows it has never been a competition but how can he not view it as one when his boyfriend goes out of lengths to make every moment the most enjoyable?

Perhaps, Hyunjin is the one at fault. After all, everything Jeongin does is magnetic and weighs in his heart, a soothing comforting presence he’s been desiring for years now. Jeongin is somehow everything he has ever dreamed of and more, warm and kind, who likes him for who he is and never for what he looks like or might bring to the relationship. There’s an element of mutual respect that doesn’t make Hyunjin scared for what the future holds for them. 

Yet again, this is no competition but Hyunjin is sure he’s never loved anyone like he loves Jeongin and thinks telling him it's a good way to win that day. Mostly because he is so sure that Jeongin has to feel the same. 

"Don't you look so darling," His mom whistles as she sees him approach. He put on a flare dress shirt and laced his hair up. The pants hug his legs just right in a way he knows Jeongin loves, especially with the way he constantly rests his hands on his legs. 

He blushes. "Looks nice?"

"Of course, do you and Jeongin have plans?" She asks, brewing some tea for herself. 

"Yeah but I don't know what it is. Jeongin is planning." He collects his wallet and his keys, even though he's positive he won't be coming home that night. 

She takes a tentative sip out of the mug Hyunjin had gifted her to celebrate the move. "That boy likes you so much. It's very obvious."

He laughs. "I love him. I never felt like this." 

And as she laughs, Hyunjin wonders if it should all feel so light. If the love he's been condensed and brewing inside should transpire on such an easy feeling. Isn't love supposed to be hard? Complicated?

And yet everything with Jeongin feels like a breath of fresh air. Coming home after so long. 

He walks to their house, like it's second nature now. Like he's already used to commuting to a place he used to call home. The wind blows his hair, afraid to disrupt the look he has going on. He has no idea what Jeongin has planned but not even the chilly evening can stop his cheeks from reddening.

For someone who has prouded himself in being unable to blush, it’s telling how much his cheeks acquire colour with a simple thought . 

He doesn’t have a key anymore, in favour of letting his spare one to the new tenant (Minho, the unofficial boyfriend, has he’s been denoted). So he has to resort to ringing the bell, seeing Jeongin opening the door with a bright smile. There’s no time to admire anything going on, because Jeongin is wrapping his arms around his waist and kissing him.

Strong, grounding, soothing. All good feelings he can’t help to associate with his boyfriend. 

“Hm, you look so good.” Jeongin says, eyeing like he’s devouring him whole. To feel desired this way, to have it voiced in his ear, intoxicating to say the least. “You clean yourself nicely.”

Hyunjin laughs. “Look who is speaking,” and he has time to take a look to Jeongin, how his clothes all accentuate his favourite features, from his neckline to the fitted shirt. He feels dizzy. “Will I finally know what you have planned for us on this lovely evening?”

Jeongin smiles. “I almost feel bad asking you to get dressed, because we aren’t even leaving.”

He quirks his eyebrows. “We aren’t?”

Jeongin smiles, laces their hands and pushes him inside, on a kitchen so familiar to them, he barely recognises it now. There’s candles and flowers in the center, and the smell of food is indistinguishable. He has turned his head in the direction of his boyfriend so many times, he’s surprised his neck is still intact. “I know it isn’t much but… I thought candlelit dinner all by ourselves is more of our style.”

Hyunjin could cry. “It’s more than enough, in fact…This is everything. You did this all on your own?”

He blushes under the questions, like he’s only now realising how embarrassing the whole thing might’ve been. But there’s a hint of pride in the way his chest is puffed and everything is so meticulously organised that Hyunjin can’t help but notice. As he always does. 

“You deserved the effort.”

I love you, he almos blurts out, feeling dizzy with want and affection. Jeongin knows him to the seams of his whole, planning an evening that would leave both of them comfortable. That’s how he knows, for the first time, is finally sure, that he’s the one. The one he wants to be with. 

Instead of poetically waxing his feelings, he decides to just kiss Jeongin, lingering on the action for longer than it could be socially accepted. But that’s the good of the candlelit dinner being reserved only for the two of them, no prying eyes and curious looks. He’s allowed to indulge in these privileges, letting his hands roam Jeongin’s back, pulling him close.  

“And you cooked? Are you sure we aren’t going to get food poisining?” He jokes amidst the kiss, to which Jeongin playfully shoves him, laughing. He had to get the joke out, otherwise he would become too addicted to the taste of his boyfriend’s lips and wouldn’t been able to control himself. 

“I made it with love.”

“Who are you and what have you done to my boyfriend?”

He’s so comfortable the whole time, he sighs in relief. This is the type of feeling he chases, domesticity and simplicity, the type that fills that old friend of his, loneliness, and turns it into something else, much more warmer and wholier. Jeongin, you could’ve opt for the easy way out, make restaurant reservations and call it a day, decided that pampering him, cooking, decorating the apartment was the only option he could fathom. 

Oh to be young and to be in love, his mom voice teases him in his head but he can’t help to agree. It is majestic, in a way. 

“For what it’s worth, the food was actually pretty good.” Hyunjin says, when Jeongin settles in his lap after dinner, combing his long hair with his fingers. He should’ve known putting his hair up would be a mistake, considering how much Jeongin liked to mess with it. 

“Your disbelief in my skills stings a bit, you know!” Jeongin teases, hands roaming from his neck to his shoulders and arms, and up again. Fleeting touches but oh so charged. “I can make a mean dinner.”

Hyunjin hums, pecking his lips repeatedly. “You sure can, baby.” Jeongin groans with the nickname, ears red as a tomato. “You’re so cute.”

“Don’t patronize me! I am not cute,” he says, but his cheeks are puffed and he has a slight pout to his expression and Hyunjin just wants to kiss him silly. 

“You’re right,” he says, a slight mocking tone. “You’re not cute. You’re so hot and sexy.”

Jeongin rolls his eyes but his ears colour even more, in a way he had no idea would be possible. And oh , this is what Jeongin really wants to hear, what he wants to be acknowledged by. 

And Hyunjin is nothing but eager to indulge him. “I am not kidding, by the way. You are the most attractive person in every room, like 90% of the time.” Jeongin snickers at him, mumbling 90% under his breath but Hyunjin, laughing, just grabs his hands and puts it in his neck again. “Okay, more like 99% of the time.”

“Because the other 1% is reserved to you, the only explanation.” Jeongin says, leaving featherlike kisses in his neck, going up to his jaw. Hyunjin is dizzy again, his brain yelling, begging him to kiss him a little more, touch him a lot more. “I think you don’t understand how gorgeous you are. Everyone thinks the same.”

“And you?” he mumbles, in the middle of his heavy breathing. His hands with a mind of his own, travelling further down Jeongin’s back, pressing him closer. 

“Please,” Jeongin mumbles, nibbling at his ear. It’s more heated than they allowed themselves to be, something else that Hyunjin is desperately seeking for. “Since day one. I’ve thought that. My first words to you were how hot you were.”

And Hyunjin laughs, genuine and bubbly, reminding of the first time they crossed stares with each other. “For me too. From day one.” Jeongin locks stares with him and there’s a moment, a silence shared between them. Jeongin looks flushed, dishevelled, like a dream materialised in front of him and Hyunjin can sense he doesn’t believe it. “I mean it. It’s you I always want, it’s you I wanted then and it’s you I want now.”

“Hyunjin…”

“It’s only you,” his words a bare mumble against his lips, his hands bringing him impossibly closer, like he could break all laws of physics with his bare hands just to make sure him and Jeongin could be even closer. “I love you.”

Jeongin pushes him down, climbs on top of him, hungry and so beautiful. “Say it again.”

“I love you.” A kiss, deep and languid. Hyunjin is starting to get uncomfortable in his own clothes. 

“Again,” Jeongin repeats, dazed in the passion. Kissing him like there’s no tomorrow, maybe there isn’t.

He’s nothing but a fool who gives, gives and gives again. Because if this was the last day, he wouldn’t want to spend it any other day. “I love you.”

“I love you.” Jeongin finally says it back and this time it’s Hyunjin who feels his limbs turn into jelly, who can’t help but wrap his legs around his boyfriend seeking for that friction, drowning in the love he feels for the other. He’s sure it’s leading to something else, there’s nothing more romantic than not being able to control your affections and carnal desires, to give oneself to the love. And Hyunjin is ready to give himself all in.

Until the door harshly opens and there’s a scream from the door. “Oh my fucking God.”

Jeongin is as startled as him, falling right into the creek between the couch and the coffee table. Hyunjin is torn between checking on him and raising his head to the figure of Seungmin with his hands covering his face. He never wanted to slap someone so hard like he wants to hit his best friend right now.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Jeongin yells, getting up and pointing at him accusingly. He looks so out of it, hair all over the place and cheeks so red. Hyunjin can’t imagine how he looks right now as well.

Seungmin doesn’t take his hands off his face to notice it though. “This is my house?”

Jeongin looks hysterical. “Don’t you have a date?”

“Felix got food poisining and he wanted to sleep it out, so I came home to change clothes and get him soup!”

Hyunjin seems to regain his ability to speak. “Oh, is Felix okay?”

“That’s what you want to ask?” Both brothers yell, and he sinks lower into the couch (and his own despair).

There’s an extremely awkward silence looming in the room, as Seungmin stands in the edge of the room, still hiding behind his hands. Jeongin looks so upset, it’s almost cute. “You can fucking look, you know?”

“Look, Jeongin, I know we used to shower together when we were kids but I don’t wanna see more than I can bargain.”

“Jerk!” Jeongin throws him a pillow but Seungmin does tentatively opens his fingers to peak at their states. Hyunjin just wants to disappear in that moment. “Just say what you want to say.”

“I don’t know what I want to say, to be honest.” This is the last thing he would have expected the night to turn into. Seungmin seems to recover fast from his shock, because next thing they know, he’s shoving Jeongin into the other side of the couch and sitting in their middle. “So, having fun?”

“Oh, shut the fuck up.” Jeongin says at the same time Hyunjin reacts: “Why are you sitting here?”

“Look, I don’t know!” Seungmin raises his hands in a peaceful manner. “This is awkward enough, I thought the proximity might’ve helped.”

“Cockblocked by my own brother.” Jeongin mumbles but it’s enough for the both of them to hear. Hyunjin can’t help a smile and a confirmation that, if they hadn’t been interrupted, this is exactly where the night would’ve lead them. 

Seungmin makes a face, like he just tasted the sourest of lemons. “That just made it worse.”

“Well it’s true!”

“I really don’t need that mental image.” 

Jeongin hits his leg. “Then don’t think about it!”

“How the fuck do you want me to do that? I just walked into my own house to see you two humping like horny teenagers.” Seungin retorqs back and Hyunjin feels crazy in that moment. Where did he even ended up in?

Jeongin rolls his eyes. “Oh please, like you’re such a saint.”

“At least when I do it with my own boyfriend, it’s confined to the walls of the bedroom!”

“You weren’t supposed to be home!”

“Wait, Seungmin,” Hyunjin interrupts, mostly for his own mental sanity. “You’re… okay with this?” He gestures vaguely at him and Jeongin, his boyfriend inhaling deeply like he just realized that the seriousness of the conversation.

He isn’t sure what he expects, after months of the issue eating him alive. After beating himself around the bush over how Seungmin would feel about him falling for his little brother, what it could mean in the sphere of their friendship. Out of all the scenarios, Seugmin shrugging and smiling is the one he hand’t pictured. “I’m not stupid you know?”

“That’s debatable,” Jeongin mutters. 

Seungmin chooses to ignore it. “I figured there had to be something going on between you and I also knew when you wanted to tell me, you would. I don’t know the details of your relationship but how could I ever not be okay with it?” He asks and Hyunjin can feel a huge weight coming off his shoulders. “Do I think you could do much better than my brother? Sure.”

“Hey,” Jeongin hits him again. 

“Do I think you’re way out of Jeongin’s league? Oh, for fucking sure.” Seungmin jokes. But then he smiles, and it’s so earnest and soft, Hyunjin forgets why he ever doubted it. “But I think you’re good for each other, probably better than any stranger could be. So I am totally fine with it.”

Even Jeongin softens with the words, a shy smile plaguing his features. Hyunjin can’t help but stare straight at him, beyond anything in the room. “It’s serious too, by the way. No fleeting crushes, no fling. I love him.”

Both Seungmin and Jeongin look at him, eyes wide. Must be a surprise for Seungmin to hear it, but for Jeongin, he figures, must be so much heavier to hear it now than when it’s clouded by passion like he was before. 

Jeongin giggles, so soft and warm. “Yeah, it’s love.”

“Ew,” Seungmin ruins the moment, as one does. But he’s smiling, so it can’t be all bad. “Happy for you then, next time try to leave me out of it though.”

“Promise me you won’t tell the others about this.” Hyunjin begs. 

⋆

His phone didn’s stop ringing the whole night and day after. Seungmin was going to pay for this. 

“What did we expect?” Jeongin shakes his shoulders, handling him a cup of tea. His apartment with his mom has a balcony, which is by far the best feature of the small house. He had already brought two chairs to sit on it, as he and Jeongin sit down and enjoy each other’s company in the rare winter sun. “He even told my mom. Do you know what I had to hear this morning?”

Hyunjin laughs, using his free hand to bring Jeongin’s chair closer. “Did you really had to post our pictures though? The guys made sure to spam your comments with ridiculous things.”

And that had been mostly the truth, the embarrassment that Hyunjin felt seeing Jisung and Felix act like the children he always knew they were, outweighs the charm he felt watching Jeongin grace his social media feed with a 10 picture post, full of their moments together, with a heart in the caption.

“I need the whole world the know I have the hottest boyfriend ever.” He states, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. 

“I thought you didn’t like public displays of affection,” he says, taking a tentative sip of his tea. 

Jeongin hums. “I don’t but, if I can let people know you’re off the market, there’s a lot of things we can avoid.”

He puts his mug down. “Didn’t paint you as the possessive type,” he purrs, leaning in to rest his hand on Jeongin’s chest, teasing him to no ends.

Jeongin blushes, but he’s also unpredictable as always, pulling him fully into his lap. “I’m a box of surprises.”

Hyunjin kisses him, soft and happy. “You are. I love that about you.”

“Besides, I’m still traumatized. I’m keeping everything family friendly from now on, in front of other people. Some pictures on Instagram is the most PG I can get.”

“Good but we still have unfinished business from that night,” Hyunjin teases, watching Jeongin’s face piece the information together and blush like a madman. 

His boyfriend breathes in. “I still don’t know where all that confidence came from.”

“I’m so irresistible you couldn’t even think straight.”

“I never think straight when I’m with you,” Jeongin sighs, like it pains him. Hyunjin can only laugh, so endeared. 

“For what it’s worth,” Hyunjin gets up and pushes the other up as well. Their chests clash with the movement, and Jeongin is listening to him attentively, eyes blown and sparkling, so pretty. “I love that confident Jeongin. And I think I have a lot of good things to show him.”

“ God, ” Jeongin mumbles, cupping his face and kissing him. So tender and full of love. Words really weren’t needed for the moment. “Show me then.”

“Finish your tea first.” Hyunjin teases.

“Cockblocker.”

He’s sure his laugh is loud enough to be heard in the whole building, with the golden hour glow shining on them. Hyunjin’s has never been happier.