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"how are you?"
that's a simple phrase, should be easy to answer. truth to be told, jay doesn't quite have the answer to that. the past few hours have been an emotional rollercoaster ride, but tears weren't part of his plans.
winning the mission as a team, but feeling like a complete failure himself, that's sums about everything happening un his head. it's selfish to be sad when everyone has worked hard to achieve their victory, jay knows that much. but the soul crushing truth is that he isn't worthy of that so called victory. when he cried earlier, he had a thousand of reasons to. those weren't only happy tears, or sad tears. he knows he did well on stage. maybe? he's not so sure anymore. a part of him believes in his ability to shine on up there, it's what he does best. but what to feel when everyone else seems to believe the opposite?
"are you happy jay?" haruto has asked him. he didn't know what to reply so he simply didn't. no he isn't happy. but what an ungrateful thing to say.
now he's so empty, as if an entire universe has been squeezed out of him. facing the ceiling, layed down on his bed, he just lets the emotions pass through him, leaving the dreadful reality on hold for a while.
jay hears the door open slowly but doesn't look. the lights stay turned off as someone walks in the room. he recognizes the footsteps he has heard so many times.
"how are you?" jongwoo's voice asks. of course he does. only that much threaten to make jay tear up again. he replies with a sigh, then looks up when he feels the bed weighing down where jongwoo sits.
"jay." jongwoo says again, almost like a whisper. the concerned look in his eyes make jay's insides churn. he knows why but he's not going to admit it right now.
"i'm fine. i mean, not really but i'll be fine." he shrugs, his voice weaker than ever. "it'll pass."
"do you wanna talk about it?" the older asks.
jay is familiar with that tone he's using. it's the one he uses during their late night talks, when fatigue becomes so much it turns into insomnia. jay would talk for hours about nothing and everything, and jongwoo would reply to him with that tone, and that curious look in his eyes. those are jay's favorite things about jongwoo.
"it's just so messy in my head. i wouldn't even know where to start." jay groans, shifting on the bed to face the older.
"i know, though." the latter states, as he slowly puts his hand on top of the younger's. the touch is so shy, so soft it's almost unnoticed. "first, you were amazing on stage."
"i was no-"
"you were!" he exclaims in disbelief. "jay, seriously have you heard your voice? you're seriously so good, you sound like an angel."
jay tries but fails to suppress the smile on his face - and also a faint blush, but that's a detail. he sits up to make himself seem more composed. but he doesn't deny that whatever compliment jongwoo gives him makes his heart skip a beat or two everytime, it's always been like that.
"well the live audience didn't think so." he pouts. it feels less heavy when he says those things out loud. or is it just because it's jongwoo he's saying them to?
"well the live audience can fuck themselves, i should've voted instead." jongwoo says and jay can't help a chuckle. "i would've given you a million votes..."
"i would've given you ten millions." jay says, matter-of-factly.
it's weird.
jay has never really believed the endeared look in jongwoo's eyes could mean anything else than the reflection of his own feelings. but how can he not doubt it when the older one looks at him with stars in his eyes? jay has to turn his head away to break the eye contact.
"yeah you should have. how come i'm the one comforting you when you're the one who won the mission?" jongwoo laughs, bittersweet.
"hyung, i'm so sorry, i know that-"
"i'm just joking, jay-ah. don't worry, i'm tougher than that." he smiles. "you deserve your win."
jay doesn't reply.
"i know you still don't think so but you really do deserve it." he assures, thumb caressing the younger's hand gently. "plus you looked really sexy tonight." he jokes. or does he?
the air between them suddenly thickens. it's nothing too serious, jay hopes, but he can't quite breathe and jongwoo seems to lean a little closer. the younger doesn't know what to do with himself, he wants to run away and hide but something about jongwoo makes him want to stay there - more like being paralyzed. jay can feel jongwoo's eyes on his lips briefly.
are they going to kiss? jay has to admit he had thought about it. a few times. screw that, he thinks about kissing jongwoo everytime they're a little bit too close to each other.
"are you flirting with me?" he jokes, trying to ease the tension. jay watches as jongwoo licks his lips nervously then avoids his eyes.
"umh, jay, you cried a lot, right? you should wash your face."
"huh?"
"let's go."
a confused jay follows jongwoo out of the room. his heartbeat is so loud in his temple, he barely registers that they've been holding hands all the way there. maybe that's why the others looked at them funny, and keita let out a funny whistle in the middle of the hallways.
it's late, and the bathroom is unoccupied, but jongwoo makes sure to lock the door behind them.
"hyung, is everything alright?" jay dares to ask. "what are we doing here? why did you lock the door?"
"umh..." the older starts, moving closer to jay. a trembling hand is placed on jay's waist. "can you sit up please?"
jay lifts himself up on the counter then quickly puts all his attention on jongwoo, curious. he is fidgeting nervously. the older reduces the space between them and slots between jay's legs, hands put flat on the counter on jay's sides, too close to touching him yet too far still.
"jay..."
"yes hyung?" jay replies, almost quietly. he doesn't miss jongwoo's eyes soften as they look at each other.
"there's really nothing i want to say, to be honest. but..." he hesitates to say the rest. jay can't process what's happening, he blinks a few times as if it's going to help him understand better - it's not. but he feels his breath getting caught in his throat and his face getting hot. "i just wanted to be alone with you."
jongwoo silently wraps his arms around the younger's smaller frame. it's so natural how he places his head on jay's shoulder.
"but we were alone."
"i mean without cameras. and the risk of keita bursting in the room unannounced." jay lets out a giggle at that. "wanted to be alone alone, with you..." jongwoo adds in a low voice.
time stops.
jongwoo slowly lifts his head up, strands of hair getting caught in jay's t-shirt, making him look a little messy - and incredibly cute, jay would add. the younger has to inhale a deep breath to take in the sight of jongwoo leaning in.
their lips touch only so briefly but that's enough to make their hearts race.
as jongwoo tries to pull away, out of fear he's doing too much, jay pulls him closer, cupping his cheeks in his trembling hands.
jay kisses like he sings, with so much passion it feels like it burns. shaky breathes and messy touches. their teeth clash, as they're trying to find a comfortable enough position to keep going. but it's never comfortable, it's wet, and intoxicating and makes jongwoo's head go completely blank. he holds onto jay's thighs to keep himself grounded.
"jay, slow down-" he tries, in between two kisses, a bit out of breath. "i'm not going anywhere." he places a peck on jay's lips.
"sorry." jay speaks in a tiny voice, too embarrassed to look at jongwoo. "i've always wanted to..."
"me too. god, i've dreamed about this."
jongwoo kisses jay again. and it's better this time, the older guiding the pace. their lips move slowly against each other, touching so gently yet so firmly. there's not an ounce of doubt in the way jongwoo's hands wrap around jay's waist and thigh, and the way the latter's legs fit around his hips. there's something in this kiss, jay wouldn't call it love but it comes so damn close, that sends shivers down his spine.
his chest tighten when jongwoo slips his tongue to chase after his own, and he has to fight against all his will to let a satisfied sigh - he fails. his sighs soon turn into soft whimpers when jongwoo full on sucks on his lower lip while squeezing his waist.
"damn, you sound so good..." jongwoo murmurs, trailing his kisses down the younger's jaw, hot breath fanning over his skin. jay can only slide his fingers in jongwoo's already messy hair, slightly tugging on the black strands. there's no time to be embarrassed, or to feel anything else than want. but he knows that would be too much, too fast. and a sudden fear kicks in that this - whatever is happening between them - would be only a physical one-time thing. and that's not what he wants. jay tenses up, jongwoo feels it.
"is this still okay? do you want me to stop?" jongwoo murmurs, looking up. it's hard to concentrate when his hyung looks so messed up, in the best way possible: eyes lidded, cheeks dusted with pink and his lips bitten raw and glistening with their spit. jay has to lean in again and kiss him one more time, hopefully not the last.
"it's not... that." he says when he pulls away, a mere few inches near jongwoo's mouth. "i would kiss you forever if i could." he adds, sounding defeated.
"you can."
"what?"
"i said you can." jongwoo giggles. "you can kiss me forever and longer, if you want. do you think i'm doing this only for today?" he asks.
"are you reading my mind?" jay exhales in disbelief.
"no but i know you. and i know what's happening in this little head of yours." a hand goes up to ruffle jay's hair.
they both stop for a moment, just taking in each other's sight. nothing else exists in this instant, it's just them and the certainty of the way jongwoo holds jay's hands.
"i don't wanna rush things." the older says, in a serious tone. "but just know this isn't gonna be a one-time thing, i wanna keep you close. is that okay?"
jay can't help but melt at those words.
"i think i'm okay with that." he smiles, heart so full. "i got a bit insecure, sorry." he feels a urge to just get lost in jongwoo's arms and he gives in, cuddling up to him, head buried in the older's neck. everything just feels surreal to him, all he can breathe, feel, touch is jongwoo. jongwoo, jongwoo, jongwoo.
"why are you sorry?" jongwoo chuckles. "you're so cute, jay."
"no, you." he says shyly, squeezing the older boy in his arms.
somehow this embrace feels more intimate than the kisses they have shared. like a reminder that they're not alone in this, that they have each other.
it's bittersweet, because they know it's temporary. no matter how much they want it, the chances of them making it until the end together are slim. jay refuses to think about it. for now, he's just content with what they can have now.
"jongwoo hyung." he calls.
"yeah?"
"just wanted to call your name."