Chapter Text
Near had placed his hands on the table, the Gundam robot was left comfortably sitting next to him. He was fully focused on the view outside, bumping his head several times as he tried to catch even the slightest detail.
He had been staring out of the window for some time and Mello would have assumed that he was excited, but his eyes ruined the whole effect - narrowed and restless. He wasn't observing, but rather analysing something in the depths of his mind. Which was both quite weird and understandable.
There was something disgustingly nostalgic coming from behind the fast-pacing trees, from their pretty home in Winchester.
It was nostalgic even for someone like him who never considered this place a home in the first place. He had a hard time imagining Near being any different, so it made sense for him to be confused by such feelings as well.
At the same time, it was weird because he had assumed it was the effect he wanted to create in the first place. Did he think he would be immune to it?
Mello didn't have much time to think about it after something else caught his attention - the sudden empty, almost robotic smile that appeared on his face.
"It's pretty, isn't it?" Near's words echoed in the silence of the booth. He looked around, anticipating a bigger reaction other than his buff worker nodding with a hum from behind Near's suitcases, which he was still carrying.
"I suppose." Mello felt the need to give him an answer after seeing his distant but demanding gaze.
"I agree." Matt echoed, without raising his head from his console and ruining the position he has been in for the past 2 hours. Any talk directed towards him was ignored, until now.
Correction: any talk Mello tried to direct toward him was ignored. Near also ignored his existence during the whole trip too except the few times he asked him for a glass of water from the bar. The moment he had returned, the last heated word between him and Matt had evaporated into thin air.
He didn't have a big desire to talk with either of them, but it was a much-preferred alternative to knowing that they both argued about him behind his back.
Of course, he was the topic - knowing him was the only thing they shared if we don't count the 10 words involving their mutual engineering project. Seven years ago.
Matt pretended to be apathetic about it the second he returned to his seat, but he just didn't possess the same poker face Near had. He carried the same expression when Mello declared his wish to be absolutely nothing like him.
Sadly not enough to create pity. Mello gave him one last telepathic curse for being a fake friend until he remembered he supposedly doesn't give a shit about him anymore. So instead he returned to watching the hills and village gardens that reached the end of the Earth and back, which wasn't any more delightful.
The possibility of the seat swallowing him before they got to their destination was his biggest desire, bumping in his chest when the train started moving and expanding more and more familiar sights.
It only got worse when the rain clouds rose and the English countryside showed its full glory - he suddenly felt sick and he knew it had nothing to do with the movement of the train.
He should have never agreed to this, not after seeing the result right in front of his eyes. Constantly telling himself that the reason for joining Near is to make up with Matt, who desperately wanted them here was no longer saving his nerves.
Because he did manage to believe and what was the reward? Pure bitterness that his effort had gone to waste. Matt wasn't showing even the slightest hint of satisfaction, causing Mello to assume he was the losing party in the secret argument (surprising). Ironic - even when he was against Near, all he was doing was being his ass kisser
At least his assumption was right after all, this wasn't Matt's idea. Someone was behind the scene, pulling the strings of both of them and it was enough for him to realise that the future income was neatly calculated.
And maybe it was what drew him in.
He could ruminate over his self-created delusions during the years all he wanted, but what got the cake was how he had genuinely convinced himself that this was going to be a kind gesture towards his friend. Even if he just wanted to fulfill his selfish desires.
A chance for Matt to take a break from him and a chance for Mello to… talk over with Near. What could possibly go wrong?
The train went into a tunnel, gaining his attention at the window again, but this time at his reflection. His scar and tired eyes were sticking out from the yellow lights, like an awful paint job.
The sign made him far more miserable than any little English city could. Somehow he looked worse than a few months ago.
"Do you want us to visit any place before we head out to the orphanage, sir?" The SPK guy asked while pouring them some tea from his electric kettle.
The question was oriented toward his boss, but Near had turned his head towards both him and Matt, including them too.
"Whatever you decide, I don't care," Mello mumbled. Near's silhouette was still sticking out from the end of his eye even in the low light.
Just don't put me in this confirmation.
"Same," Matt said, his voice muting the Ghost Trick's sounds on his Nintendo for a few seconds.
The cup in Near's hands froze and his minion had to forcefully grab it from him before going away like a stewardess.
"You don't care?" His voice was tense. The question appeared to be serious and huh, he was looking at Matt again.
They were so awful at doing this.
"Yes!" Mello said sharply, his ugly reflection scowled back at him. "We don't want to be spending extra time with you. Just-" He shook his head. "Get to the needed job without involving… something else."
He wasn't sure what he should call their discourse about this "needed job". According to Near, they were returning to the orphanage due to something important he wanted to announce. He made it sound casual, something regarding its future, but there was a reason for the sudden attraction status.
Mello wished there was a better way to show he was seeing through their shit.
"I understand." He heard Near's voice, something was clattering on the table. He didn't sound moved in any way. "You do realise I didn't bring you here to have a bad time, right?"
Of course, he didn't, he just wanted to put Mello's life together. Nothing big.
"Maybe I would have if you were more clear with your goal," Mello said.
"You have a point."
And those words were enough to make Mello move his head away from the window. Trying his hardest to look bored.
Near was still sitting on the opposite seat but there was a new addition of a dice wall that Mello hadn't noticed. He was trying to balance another one on the top through the train's shakes.
"You do." He hummed as he removed his hands slowly, returning to his thoughts and leaving Mello leaned over with hollow information in his ears.
God, he was unbearable - the last thing Mello cared for was being seen as a freak show. He was clever enough to acknowledge that he had always been one for every single person in this booth. And Near knew it.
But he didn't know what was pissing Mello off wasn't his old, sneering 'I-am-underestimating-you' trick. Rather he never brought anything new to-
"Do you remember what we talked about back in St Esme's Hill?" Near's voice cut the string formed in his head.
The words 'St Esme's hill' didn't hold any meaning to him. For a few seconds.
"What?!" He heard his voice choking out.
The tunnel had ended and the sunlight exposed him to numerous confused stares. Excluding Near.
His mouth was slightly open and Mello could almost see the words forming in it.
Mello.
The first thing you said was my name in a gentle but firm voice. And sweet.
It almost didn't make me wish for a sudden hole to swallow me.
He puffed out his held breath.
"You have to be kidding."
"So you remember." Near's face softened but Mello knew there were those sparkles in his eyes, without looking at them. "If that's the case then what is causing a problem?"
He placed a hand on his forehead before the gazes were turned toward him again. He didn't have to see them and they didn't have to see him.
"You are expecting me to take this too lightly." Was what he finally said, staring at his dry palms. A simple summation of the million thoughts forming in his brain for the last minute.
"And yet you didn't seem bothered until now," Near answered back immediately. "You have been acting leisurely- "
"Okay, sorry that I am not showing off my excitement!" Mello spitted out. "I am just a bit sick of pretending to like you."
Near smiled.
Shit. He shouldn't have opened his mouth.
He wasn't the type to swallow his words and Mello was ready to throw the table when he saw him moving his lips.
There was no other choice but to bang his foot against one of the table's legs, making Near jump just when Rester (or Reiner, or whatever was his name) returned to pick any remaining cups.
"Uh, sorry," Mello said, trying to ignore his warning look. Maybe he would have been the next one getting kicked if Near didn't push himself into the seat.
"I told you not to kick my dice box." He said especially loudly.
Oh, yeah, the box.
Near was only a few inches closer, staying long enough to convince his worker to go away and make his thoughts crash. And he succeeded - Mello's frustration was nothing compared to feeling the ghost of Near's breath. Even if his face was turned sideways, it made his heart heavy.
"You should tell me when something is annoying you, Mello. You know when there is something you want." Near's voice reached his ears.
Mello turned around to see him back at his seat, which helped his hot cheeks to recover. He was annoying again.
"How? You never listen to me."
'Ignore me even.' He wanted to say and he got more frustrated, clenching his fists on the table. Near narrowed his eyes.
"By being yourself. I don't need you to act like Matt." He raised himself to look at his interlocutor, missing how the words made Mello flinch and put him back in his place on the shelf.
Near still had a hold of his strings.
That's fine. It's completely fine. It won't be like this for long. An inner voice took control of his headspace.
The reminder was comforting. The bitterness in his mouth disappeared and the deep breath he took helped him think.
He knew Near was certainly joking and the words weren't directed toward him. They held too much truth he had no way of gathering with only a few hours of empty conversations. At least Mello hoped he couldn't, even with his great analysing skills.
"Alright Near, we solved the problem." Matt placed his hands on the table. "You heard what Mello said - straight to Wammy House, without getting distracted with other places, useless questions, and most importantly - goals. That's what he said."
His pose got ruined by a sudden shake, causing him to push down Near's dice. They fell with a loud crash, hitting the ground one after another.
Matt looked shocked but his arms stayed crossed rather than being thrown on the floor and picking up all the mess.
What the hell was he thinking? He turned around to see Near… standing. Glancing at the floor with frustrated but wide-open eyes.
"Now can you give us all a few minutes of silence?" Matt's voice squeaked and suddenly he was a very good friend.
Near glanced at him and nodded. If there wasn't a rattle in his hands (the only saved dice that weren't so safe in his hands anymore), he would have fooled everyone with his apathetic expression.
As for Matt, he locked his attention to his video game again, as if nothing happened.
Mello didn't like this at all. He was saving him from Near's harsh joke fully knowing the true reason why it strung so much. Therefore it was from pity - he didn't want it at all, even less from him.
He stood from his seat, turning away from the shitty landscape.
First Near brought up the meeting they had years ago (or rather the disaster that happened during it) and now Matt with this. His most notable failures.
Unsuccessfully searching for a free seat, his gaze stopped on the ashtrays, full of extinguished cigarettes. For a second he thought of taking one and returning - he had enough time to fill the whole booth with smoke, ruin Matt's cigarette detox, and make Near cough until he loses his voice. Squeezed it hard until there were only ashes in his hand. Blend with the smoke.
With a groan, he put his palms to his face because he knew there wasn't a way to disappear.
"Are you mad?"
Mello removed his hands from his face to see Near showered in the sun's last rays, a white feather in the yellow leaves. He was pulling his favourite long curl, balancing a plate with his other hand, and closely observing Mello.
His grace could easily be taken away by his sticking foot but Mello wasn't so evil. He just wanted him to drop this horrendous cake piece he was carrying.
"No. I just don't care."
That was a lie. He had turned his head away, failing to see if Near's hand was still pulling the long curl (he was only observing him) or if it had stopped suddenly (he had found something).
At least it should be obvious that he was too tired to hide any frustration. What happened on the train was just another petty outburst.
"Maybe some cake will cheer you up." Near raised the plate, but Mello only sighed. He leaned his back on the bench, looking at the orphanage's fence - his most trusted listener.
Telepathically. He hasn't become insane enough to share his rantings out loud. Nonetheless cleaning his head made him more exhausted than anything, so he preferred taking a break entirely from all thoughts and feelings.
What he really did was just procrastinate while staring from the library's window, wondering how intense Near's gaze was when he showed his back.
"One of the most famous theories was that Wammy House uses professionally hidden electrical fencing." Mello felt himself smile. "It was said that a small ivy has a voltage of 110, enough to get your brain fried… this is not something the orphans came up with."
Laughter was already spilling out of his mouth as he was finishing the sentence. There was an enjoyment in saying something so ridiculous, though the shaky laughter made his ribs feel misplaced, poking his skin.
"Hm, really."
The only thing he got in return was Near's confused gaze staring at the ants on the table. Idiot.
"What I am trying to say is that you shouldn't expect me to celebrate your genius realisation. Yes, the successor program is horrible, it's general knowledge." Mello put his arms on the table, taking up the whole space.
"We are not celebrating the decision being made, it's about how it will affect the future." Near raised his head when he heard him bang his hand on the table.
"It finally won't turn children into experimental guinea pigs, congratulations!" His face turned deadly serious. "And I am supposed to feel happy?"
"I know you don't care about the children." Near shook his head. "Change like that will have a positive effect on the orphanage's system too - it's going to function with a purpose."
He sat down next to Mello, too close for his liking, and placed the cake between his spread arms.
"By becoming the same as any other orphanage?" Was the sardonic question Mello couldn't keep in himself.
"That's another way to see it. The old intention of helping kids find their true path will stay, without the successor program." Near continued, unbitten.
Something about this phasing bugged him in the wrong way. He turned his head to see Near carefully putting some glue on the broken die. Concentrated on his work, yet the grin in his eyes was unhidden - Mello tried his hardest not to groan.
Just a few more hours. Then he won't hear his annoying voice anymore. Neither would he have to see his lips.
"Well, what you are doing is cute, but I don't actually care about the orphanage." He shoved the fork into the soft cake. "Didn't think you did either."
"But you do and I can see it. It has to mean something when you have found your passion here." Near hugged his knee.
Haha, passion.
The last thought I had before closing my eyes was a distant memory of me and my mother watching the church choir. I will always remember it.
"Mommy, why does she look like that?"
"She has found her passion, Mihael. She sings with the angels."
"And? I should thank the universe for sending me here?" He raised his hand like there were ruins behind their backs.
Near didn't say anything. He only continued to work on the broken die.
"I only came to breathe fresh air. You have no idea how nasty boredom can be." He immediately sighed. That was too much.
"You say that because you don't understand what really is bothering you. There is another reason why you are here." Near finally answered.
Mello sighed deeply. There is?
"Think about it: does it make you happy to just sit here and…" He raised two cracked dice pieces close to his eye.
…Waste your life. Mello's mind added the last words.
"Not use your potential?" Near phased it more softly.
The finger puppet resembling his delusion, all dressed in leather clothes popped into his mind.
"Potential? For what?" He asked a bit sharply.
"To work in whatever field you want. Many people would love to have your brilliant skills." Near's voice was confident, the messy curls couldn't fully hide the intensity his gaze held.
"Ugh, shut up please." Mello almost raised his hands to his ears. The thought of him sitting in a corner behind an office desk while blending with the SPK minions formed in his head like a vivid hallucination.
He had to remind himself to stop believing in every creation his disorganised mind did while trying to read through Near's words. Yet, he knew there was a lot more hidden, even before he heard him ask:
"Don't you feel like you aren't using your skills in the right way?"
He knew.
He also knew the best choice that could be made - stand up and leave Near with his specific question left unused, even if they were scratching his curiosity a bit too much. He wanted to know his thought process, pulled it out like a filmstrip, and see if he had guessed the script of the future…
Fine. If Near wasn't taking him seriously, then he was going to take advantage of that.
"And shouldn't I be the only one to know the right way to use my skills?" He asked, crossing his arms. "But since you are so smart, tell me the answer!"
Full of fire but irrational, a kid clinging to his impossible anticipations, desperately needing a piece of the foggy reality around him.
He looked at Near. Near was looking at him back.
"I never said I know the answer. But I know I can't find it in you." He phased the words slowly, every single one of them cutting through. Only then Mello realised how close their faces were.
"And what makes you think like this?" He said quietly. The air in his lungs felt uncomfortable.
He could see his reflection in his eyes.
The string on his neck shifted and when he looked down he saw Near holding his rosary.
"If you knew then I would have seen it." Soft golden lights scattered around the corners of Mello's eyes when he pulled it close to his face. "The passion."
It hit a nerve. The cross felt heavy in Near's hand and the despise was hammering in his chest. He relearned how to breathe and see.
Though the only thing he could think was how much he desired to grab his hand and turn it around so he can feel the warm palm underneath his fingertips. He wanted to kiss it, to dig his nails deep in it, lock his fingers with his, squeeze it until the waist breaks with every bone in it-
He slapped it, causing Near to gaze at him surprised. The string went back at the hole in his back and the string with the cross fell back on his chest.
Near continued to observe him like that for a while. Was he trying to hide behind genuine-looking concern? They both knew that one successful move was nothing compared to hundreds of them.
He didn't know why it was there, but his facade could be seen kilometres from afar. Long before they even started this conversation or met at the airport, where he looked through his eyes for the first time in years.
This useless secrecy was making him feel slightly irritated, to say the least.
"You are not helping me at all." He breathed out. It sounded like he was noting the weather tomorrow. Which was good, it meant he really couldn't care less.
All got ruined when he looked back at the clean pink sky and felt jealous of the flying birds. He already knew the answer to Near's riddle, he couldn't slam himself into a tree in defeat.
"Do you want to know what actually makes me bitter? There is no longer a way for me to prove I have always been the better one."
The silence extended between them carrying the last few years with itself.
"The possible change such a situation can carry is the only potential lost," Mello added, narrowing his eyes.
Near gave him another small, but ironic smile.
"Then you don't need to waste time being angry. You can just wait for the consequences of L's role to catch on me." He squeezed the dice, causing the glued pieces to split.
So it really was that.
Mello raised from the bench.
"It has never been about the position! Your whole problem is you have never understood that!" He accidentally pushed the plate and the cake piece smashed on the ground.
It's official - their conversation has ended. He really didn't care anymore, he didn't even turn to see Near's surprised face because he didn't expect this didn't he-
"Yes, I know." He heard Near say. He sounded annoyed. "You want to rub your win to my face. I think I figured it out."
He had also stood from the bench, staring at the ground with narrowed eyes.
"I get it as an explanation, but I can't understand the logic behind it." He mumbled, almost like he was talking to himself. But the words strongly echoed in Mello's heart.
Now he was completely turned towards Near, who slightly raised his face with a confused expression.
He waited for him to say something and Mello did have a few things to say, so many thoughts twisting around each other, failing to form something other than questions.
So he knew it all along? And he is still trying to convince him to work together?
He has always been able to speak whatever was on his mind without hesitation. The big hole in his head was something new.
"I won't let you affect me." Was the miserable attempt to pull something out of it. The reflection of these thoughts in a broken mirror. "I know what you are trying to do."
Now his words made Near react. His eyes went wide, full of innocence and lies.
"You do?"
"The second you mentioned St Esme."
Mello tried searching for the smirk - in his eyes, around them, the cheeks, his lips. It was nowhere.
Genuine happiness wasn't there either.
Looking back, it's been a while since he last saw him smile outside of his imagination.
"I don't think I understand you. I bought our meeting because back then I revealed my suspicion that Wammy House is trying to manipulate you."
Mello's eyes moved sideways.
"You expect me to act apathetic like you?" I asked.
"No. Listen to me." You sat next to me. The rain was trying hard to reach us from behind the tree's leaves but the only thing that mattered was your hand over mine.
"It's what they want. Make you feel small and useless like you aren't giving enough to achieve your goals. They see you are being driven to study harder."
For the first time in my life, it was easy to believe you.
He was right, that did happen.
"But it seems like you have been focusing on the latter half of the event." He phased the words slowly, giving enough time for a hysterical laugh to form in Mello's throat. He had to swallow a few times.
Near waited for him, pulling one of the buttons on his top. He didn't say it out loud but Mello knew what his question was.
"I was trying to shame you."
Ha. It didn't sound exactly bad.
"By kissing me?" Near tilted his head.
"Yes!" Mello turned his back on him again, flushed all over. "You always think you are good at messing with my head! I was trying to surprise you." He waited for his answer, the wind blowing in his face and pulling his nerves.
"Is this why getting my approval is of such importance to you?" Near finally asked, ending the pause.
Fantastic, great question. Mello was out of breath. Literally.
"I don't think I understand you." He dryly imitated Near's voice. "Why would I want your approval?"
"Alright, alright, I should phrase it differently. Give me a moment." Near sighed.
Mello felt his breath on his neck again. Near was sitting on the bench, he was sure of it (he had never seen him standing for more than two minutes). Ugh.
"You know what, forget it." He turned around. "Yes, I want your approval. If I get it, it means you finally have a realistic vision of yourself and that's what I want."
"Can you elaborate?" Near was swirling a long, soft curl around his finger.
"Of course," Mello said with a honeyed voice. "You feel superior to others because you don't know what it's like to be miserable. And what better way to show you how I feel than to make you despise me?"
"Why?" He genuinely looked confused. Did he hit his head somewhere or Mello's explanation was that idiotic?
"Because…" He said with a deep breath. There was a bad feeling in his stomach. "It would mean I am affecting you the same way you did with me all of these years."
He didn't want to say this. Going so far and revealing something so weak was just him putting trophies in Near's hands.
"All of these were just thoughts of course. Um, there was absolutely no guarantee for your hatred if that ever happened. I just wanted to win." He awkwardly tossed his explanations in different directions. But it was too late.
"You do want to affect me, don't lie," Near answered back. There wasn't any hint of his soft voice or smile.
Mello wasn't sure why he was talking in a present tense.
"Yes, with the kiss." The image of his lips gained focus.
"Not just with the kiss. With every single of your actions." Near continued, ignoring his grimace. "It has been a constant process and this kiss was just the proof of it."
"This is not true at all!" Mello barked, but Near didn't even raise his head.
He was seriously ready to start shaking him like a Christmas bell until he opened his ears but thank God, their gazes met again.
"So why do you continue to observe me?" Near asked.
Maybe he should have continued to ponder over Mello's answers.
Maybe because I am a human being with two eyes. He wanted to say but his avoidance would prove whatever point Near was about to make.
Time was over - he shifted. The sight of his hand in his pyjama top pocket caused Mello's throat to go dry.
Near pulled a listening device. The one he left in his room six months ago, a small black bug that didn't produce a lot of noise causing Mello to forget about its existence for the past few weeks.
He was feeling sick.
"Interesting placement, your assumption that I don't dig in my closet often was correct- Mello…"
Near had a surprisingly calm reaction, considering he had gained the mentality of a five-year-old again by pulling his hand like a maniac.
"Give it to me back. Now." He yelped.
He could already see his future self laughing at this but it was too late to be logical. Only now he had realised the advantage Near had against him, even when the main game was over.
"As long as you promise you won't sneak into my room again." Near narrowed his eyes almost jokingly, letting him take his loose hand without answering.
There was an electricity coursing in his fingers, stinging his skin as a reminder that he shouldn't be so close to Near. They went limp and he almost dropped the sweaty bug.
He cursed under his breath and tried shoving it in his jacket pocket with a shaking hand.
"It's not big of a deal. It wasn't even the thing I wanted to talk with you about." Near's voice touched his ears through the bumping in his head.
"I would rather leave than discuss whatever plans you have made for my future with Matt. Is he angry because he won't be in the future L duo?" He said through his teeth.
A score for him.
"No." Near placed the fixed die on the table. "We weren't making any plans. Matt just doesn't trust my judgement."
"Judgement on what?" Mello asked, already pointing at himself. Near managed to avoid the topic of L's role, but it was the least of Mello's concerns.
"On what we can do to help you get back on your feet." Near's face was blurry but he didn't have to see it.
"You fucking won't. I am completely fine!" He put his sleeve under his nose. But before turning on his heel and hiding his face from Near, he looked at the ruined cake again.
"As for the conversion we had: even if I tried to piss you off in one way or another, I no longer see it as something worth my time."
He finally said something that wasn't a complete lie.
"Though you could do it again in the future. Fall into the circle." He heard Near say…
…In his head. But it was enough to make his palms sweaty. He ran through the yard's path, not looking back.
On the summer's peaceful evening, under the orange rays, it was quite easy to go over the words said and the past thoughts like a distant nightmare. It was easier to be calm and logical when Near wasn't around.
If their rivalry was looked at as a game, then the kiss was Mello's fatal move that cost him every advantage he had from Near.
Yes, Mello had kissed him one. Only once and both of them would remember it for a lifetime.
It was just weeks before he flew away from the orphanage, like a foreshadowing of the harsh truth he would be meeting face to face soon.
It only needed the usual mix of a Christmas celebration rehearsal, the wrong piano key, a fiasco with the teachers, and Near's sudden desire to help him see through things he already had crumpled in his head a long time ago. Almost like what he was doing today.
Of course, there hasn't been a point where he saw it as a kind gesture. Can you imagine - he saw how Wammy House was exploiting his insecurity to the max long before Mello himself so it was his duty to give him a good reality check. Like the one he gave him a few hours ago.
But what he actually wanted to do was emphasise his superiority, presenting the "new" information as something he gathered unintentionally, something he hadn't put any effort into getting. Emphasising that he would forever be the embodiment of everything perfect and calculated. Of course, he was going to kiss Near.
He had always been in love with perfection, he longed for it for his whole life, lovestruck by it since he could remember. He wanted to taste it on Near's lips. Perfection meant winning, winning meant he was going on the right path.
And going on the right meant reaching another loss again.
There was also a secret desire to break his heart - what better way to do it than to give him hope for hidden feelings and then crash it down?
But why?
Near has never shown sights of feeling something like that, quite the opposite. Did he really think of this during the kiss?
He groaned and threw the bug on the nearest wall. There was a reason why the adjacent doors were quickly shut the second he entered the corridor.
Maybe it wasn't a good idea to ponder over this. His actions weren't rational and it wasn't a good example of how he felt about Near.
That's why it was brought up. Near enjoyed messing with him but it was too effective for a simple strategy. He can't just gaze at the lower part of his face every now and then without it getting old.
Another heavy breath came from his mouth but instead of kicking the wall, he raised himself to look at the window to see if the sun was fully hidden.
The golden hue always made him feel weird, with an uncontrollable desire to tear apart everything and start over. It made his hands itch and he often had to sit down and write under the late afternoon light and the dark cloud over his head.
At dawns, he often promised that he would try again, that the next time when the sun set, he would have succeeded with much more effort. This used to be his prayer, but that was a long time ago when he used to think that he could escape his problems by using faith.
His gaze moved to the desk under the window, the slightly opened drawer. He curiously pulled it, getting struck by the sound of paper moving.
There were mostly empty yellow papers but also a few with scattered thoughts written all over them. He remembered tearing a few pages of his notebook before burning it, he wouldn't be surprised to see some of them here. Maybe even then he knew it was no cause, most of his writing was already learned by heart.
He picked the first one that caught his gaze. It was written in his best handwriting.
Sometimes I wonder if there will be an obstacle as I follow you along the long path of life. Maybe fate or God thinks my place is here - next to you, right behind your back.
I can't see what is in front of your silhouette. I only go forward because I desire a day when you will be the one seeing my back. But for that to happen, I have to separate from you. It's the best way.
'Maybe I should really just run away.' A joking thought, but it didn't leave him with good sleep.
He woke up long before the sun rose - the impatience had raised his adrenaline and for the first time in a while, he was looking forward to something. A sudden energy was going through his bloodstream, making his heart pound like crazy throughout the whole night.
He put on his leather jacket and his shoes, looking at the room one last time. He removed his gaze from the empty shelves with the realisation that there was nothing he could bring with him - most of his necessities were in New York.
He wasn't keen on not knowing for how long or where he would go but it didn't matter when he didn't have to play the old game anymore.
He looked over the small backpack Matt gave him before the trip and the feeling of deja vu expanded across his whole chest. He exhaled heavily, hoping the grip it had on his neck would be lessened.
Nobody should depend on him, since he had never depended on anyone himself. Even towards the people, he had been acting reverently polite - it has always been just for his personal gain.
And yet he still felt scratching in his chest when he thought about Matt. It was different from before - he never tried to explain to him how he felt. And now he was packing his stuff while Matt was deeply asleep in the room next to his, possibly having plans for tomorrow's dinner.
He never expected the Earth to stop rolling because he decided to run away, but he couldn't take a breath without feeling overwhelmed by this weird…guiltiness.
Matt had been kind to him, always did what he wanted, and continued to do so even when he didn't get any payment or favour to return. It took a bit of time for Mello to realise why he was doing this. He had the same calm and flexibility Mello did and he would have been exactly on his level if he wasn't such an airhead.
He didn't put in as much effort, but Mello remembered clearly the shining of his eyes when he looked at the familiar logo on the laptop screen. Combined with this airheadedness and daydreams, it made him believe in his impossible dream and continue to drown in it without giving the books any further look.
When they met for the first time in New York, he was the same and at the same time, he wasn't. Maybe that's how people around you perceive your life goal - an invisible part of yourself that leaves a visible emptiness when you lose it. Mello learned that this emptiness gets worse when filled with boredom. Like a dark smoke hanging heavy, deep in your skull.
People can do the dumbest shit just to have five minutes of fun, let alone people like Matt who feel like that for years. It has been hard to look at him lately - he saw everything he despised but was slowly turning to be.
The chess figures never change their roles, no matter how many games you are going to play and it was stupid to suppose that this didn't apply to him.
He had always seen his willingness to break the rules as what had made him so good at finding his own paths. And that turned out to be true - the difference was that now he was going to feel the consequences of it. He didn't change anything, he was just getting himself lost in his delusion.
What was he supposed to be all along?
He didn't know the answer yet so that has to mean that he has to try again. At the very least he has to escape the boredom that was settling dangerously low. His mind went back to Near's joke on the train. Something about him noticing his change made him scratch his teeth.
He gave the mirror one last look, almost expecting to finally see something in it. Actually, he was curious to see if there was any change in his face. A hint of confidence would make him look prettier. He would surely need it because he wanted to talk with someone before he went away.
One last try - as much as he wanted to leave the games they had in the past, the thought of going away without saying goodbye wasn't pleasant. He wasn't sure which room Near was in and he didn't want to knock on every single door in the corridor so he chose to wait for him in the dining hall.
But you want to affect me, don't lie. The ghost of Near's words still made his hands form into fists. He almost broke the fragile wooden stairs, judging from the crackling coming from underneath his shoes.
Well, that was no longer true. He will separate from him and come back with his life figured out while being the best.
And he won't care about him. He won't.
While he was looking for a place on the tiny chairs in the dining room, his gaze caught something contrasting with the green around. It was Near, sitting peacefully under the tree while playing with something. Waiting.
Mello took a deep breath.
Okay, that was great - Near wanted another chance to piss him off but now Mello was going to be the one to turn the tables. There was no time to waste.
He pushed the windows wide open. The bang got blown away by the fresh air, ruining the peace of the quiet morning.
Mello swung his leg over the window's stool and almost hit his head, reminding him that he had become a lot bigger. He rubbed the aching place while placing his shoes next to the budding flower bushes.
Sadly the landing wasn't smooth either, thanks to a random shovel thrown in the grass. A few clouds of dust raised in the air and possibly in his hair but he managed to prevent himself from falling by maintaining his hold on the stool. That didn't save his leg though.
When he walked toward Near he realised that he was limping. Great.
He didn't seem to notice him, being too invested in whatever was in his hands, so Mello kicked one of the small rocks laying around.
"Good morning Mello," Near said and dropped the glass balls he was holding. So he was playing marbles. "I didn't expect to see you so early."
"Neither do I." Mello shook his head. "Look, I need to talk with you about something."
"Sure, I don't mind." Near threw another ball in the grass and Mello sighed. Like he would care what Near minded or not.
"I'm not coming with you back to New York." He said in one breath. Enough with the plans of sounding confident.
Near's face was hidden from his hair so Mello couldn't see his reaction.
"Why?" He asked, his voice still sounding calm.
"Maybe it's because I don't want to be your puppet anymore." He tried to sound annoyed but his voice came like a tired whisper.
"Is there a reason for me to go back?" He tried again, realising that he was avoiding the words that were actually formed on his tongue. Something about Near's hand hanging in the air was making it hard to focus.
He continued being quiet. The answer was confusing and he was obviously trying to process it.
Mello wanted to kick something again with his limp leg just to break the awful silence, but instead, he almost stepped on Near's hand that he had now nervously placed on the grass.
"Is it because of something I said yesterday?" He grabbed a few blades of grass with his fist.
Mello's arms relaxed.
"No, it's not. It's something that I have been thinking about... for a while now."
That was a lie and at the same time, it wasn't. He hadn't pondered over it, it wasn't something well thought of, but it had been quietly formed in his head.
He moved his gaze towards the cross glittering on his chest, trying to avoid looking at Near when he raised himself.
"For how long will you be gone?" Now his voice was sounding different. Now that he was closer Mello could hear the small hidden notes of concern in his voice.
Shit, why this question? Mello thought and swallowed hard, trying to form an answer.
Then he made the awful mistake of looking at Near and catching a glimpse of sadness on his face - something he didn't want to see.
But he did, even if it was only showing deep in his eyes. He saw enough to make him regret that he even made this decision in the first place.
Maybe because he stared at him for too long or maybe the silence spoke enough, but when Mello finally opened his mouth, Near already had his arms around his shoulders.
Although he won't admit it out loud, the hug was lovely. Near was warmer than he expected, and his soft hair smelled like a freshly cleaned room. It was enough to make him feel at peace - he hadn't felt like this in forever. He brushed his lips against his curls wanting to hold into this feeling longer.
There was growing appreciation he was feeling towards him because he knew he was going to lose him soon. Near could be living in the lie that Mello was happy in Wammy House, but he has always been a better home than this shit hole.
Near gently raised his head causing Mello to stop his half-kiss. The mist from his head vanished when he felt his hands on his cheeks.
"Promise me that you think this is the best decision you can make for yourself."
It was a sudden move but after a few seconds, he felt relieved. He wasn't sure how long he could hug him without feeling even more thorns in his throat.
Near looked worse than him without even showing it somehow - and that made Mello feel like he would choke. He shouldn't be seen like that - this kind of look was not created for a bright and controlled face like his.
Maybe that's why Mello leaned over and kissed the corner of his mouth like that would bring back this small, perky smile he hasn't seen in a while, the same one he made when they shared their first kiss. He knew it wouldn't, but he found a way to say goodbye.
Near answered the kiss, at first with more gentleness than Mello gave, but after that with bravery that gave him full control over it. Not that he did anything stunning - only slightly brushing his lips against his, but it was enough to fill him with warmth even if he was only holding his sleeves.
Near managed to steal his breath quickly, and the bush of thorns grew in his throat. Mello pulled away to catch his breath, but Near brought his lips to him again. He had no choice but to step away from him, feeling a mix of disappointment and relief.
"Near..."
"Yes, sorry," He said.
Mello wasn't sure what he was apologising about. But he didn't want to listen to or say any apologies, he only wanted this farewell to sound like a simple goodbye.
Near was probably on the same note as him, because when he removed his hand from his cheek, he walked away, releasing the subtle touch between them.
Mello gave him one last, almost impatient look before Near got hidden in the distance. He listened to his footsteps for a while, despite every little noise giving scars on his heart. He watched the glass balls that he forgot.
When he could no longer feel Near's persistence in any way, he moved his eyes to the pretty-looking tree before a sudden realisation burned him.
Near kissed him back. Near kissed him back. Why did he kiss him back? Was he trying to mock him? He looked at the green leaves with the beautiful white flowers like they had the power to give him an answer.
He looked so genuine… but Mello knew that he should be cautious. Despite this, nothing new had happened between them. Quite the opposite - that kiss was the official end of all of the conflicted feelings they had all of these years.
There was no point to hold into it because it doesn't matter if it was genuine or not. He let go of all feelings with it and now he could finally feel free.
But deep inside him, there was still this silent but powerful voice, reminding him of Near's manipulation. He will only benefit if Mello ends up returning because the longing was too much.
And he could surely achieve something like this - at this point, Mello wasn't sure how many secrets were bottled in his heart. His gaze moved towards the slight glimmering of his cross.
He buried it underneath the tree, using the shovel that made him trip next to the flower bushes.
He ended up burying his feelings, thoughts, and past too.