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Levi hated being sick. It was one of the worst feelings in the world, but whatever was going through the fire station finally made its way to him. Erwin sent him home and he was too fatigued to argue with his superior. He walked in the door of his apartment, shrugging off his coat and kicking off his shoes. He felt awful and knew if he didn’t get to bed soon, he would pass out. He walked into the bedroom and turned on the light. He paused when he saw someone laying in the bed, covered by the blanket.
“Armin?” He called out, taking slow steps to the bed. “What are you doing home?” The body in the bed made an incoherent noise and Levi assumed he must’ve been sick as well. “Not feeling well, my love?” He asked, sitting down on the mattress and placing a hand over his lover’s forehead. He hummed. “You’re not warm. Baby,” he started, “what’s wrong? Why aren’t you at the fire house?”
“I called off.”
“Why?”
“I don’t feel well…”
“Do you want me to get a thermometer to check your temperature?”
“Not that kind of sick…”
Levi paused. Oh. “Mental health day?” He asked, leaning down and placing a kiss to Armin’s cheek. Armin nodded. Levi pulled away and stared down at his boyfriend. He couldn’t see much of Armin’s face because of the blankets, but his eyes were puffy and red. Levi sighed. Taking care of himself would have to wait.
“You go get a shower and get changed. I know you’re sick, otherwise, you wouldn't be home right now.” Armin said like he could read Levi’s mind. “I’m fine, really, just…” He drawled off and sighed. “Just a bad day.” Levi knew he should get showered and change into something more comfortable, but instead, he picked the blankets up and slid in next to Armin. He wrapped his arms around his waist and placed kisses to Armin’s neck. “Levi, seriously, just go get changed. I’ll be okay.”
Levi hummed against the skin. “You know what sucks about two stubborn people being in a relationship?” Armin was silent. “Neither of them want the other to take care of them even when they can’t take care of themself.” He smiled and kissed Armin’s neck again. Armin was too tired to argue, so he closed his eyes and fell asleep. Levi listened to the rhythmic breathing. When he was sure Armin was asleep, he pulled himself away and got into the shower. Once done, he changed into his pajamas and walked out to the kitchen. Too tired to cook, he just ordered food and waited for it to come. What had triggered Armin to cause him to be so distraught that he called off work? The devil himself would have to hold him at gunpoint for him to call off. It must’ve been something really bad. What if something happened to Eren or Mikasa? Levi was pulled from his thoughts when someone knocked on the door. He walked over to the door and opened it. He smirked at the familiar face.
“I saw the address and asked to deliver it myself,” Eren stated, handing Levi his food, “hope you don’t mind. I was kinda hoping to talk to Armin.” Levi cocked his head to look at the closed bedroom door.
“I don’t know if now’s a good time.” He turned to look back at Eren. “But if you want, he’s in the bedroom.” Levi opened the door for Eren to step in. He walked right to the bedroom. Levi watched him shut the door before he shut the house door. He walked into the kitchen and took the food out. He could vaguely hear Eren and Armin talking. Well, Eren talking and Armin most likely listening. Levi separated the food and ate while listening to Eren babble from the bedroom. Once he finished his food, he waited for Eren to exit the room. When he did, Levi walked over to him. “Is he-”
“No, not by a longshot.” Levi sighed. “I think you may need to consider admitting him.” Since he and Armin had been dating, he's gotten used to admitting him around the same time every year. Usually this time of year. Every time he did it, he hated himself, but he knew it was for his boyfriend's safety. “He just seems… I don’t know how to explain it. He’s not there and I don’t know if something happened or-” Eren froze.
“What?”
“Actually, I think I do know what’s wrong.” He grabbed Levi’s arm and pulled him into the hallway of the apartment building, ignoring the older man’s protests. “This is my first year since you and Armin have gotten together where I haven’t been strung out, but I think I know why this time of year is always hard for Armin.”
“His parents’ death?” Eren shook his head. “His grandpa’s death?” Another head shake. “Then what?”
Eren looked behind Levi at the opened door before speaking in a quiet voice. “When we were in college, Armin, Mikasa, and I had gone to a party and he was roofied.” Levi’s blood ran cold. “I don’t know the facts or how far it had gone because of my addiction, but I do know Mikasa took him to the hospital.” Levi nodded his head to show he was listening. “It’s not my story to tell, but you should know, so you can help him. It happened around this time of year when we were in college.” This time being the fall. Meaning one of two things: Either it happened to Armin during his freshman year when he just started college or it happened later in his college career. “I should call Mikasa and let her-” Levi put a hand up to stop Eren.
“No, I’ll take care of him. No need to get my cousin involved.” Eren nodded. “Thank you for telling me.” Levi pulled out his wallet and handed Eren the money and a tip. “Don’t spend it all at once now.” The younger man laughed and pocketed. Levi turned to walk back into the apartment, but paused. “And Eren,” he started, gaining Eren’s attention, “congratulations on six months clean. That’s a big accomplishment.”
“Thank you.”
Levi walked back into the apartment and swung by the kitchen, grabbing Armin’s food. He knocked on the door before entering. Armin was in the same position he left him in. “Hey, baby,” he kept his voice low, walking over to the bed, “you wanna try and eat?” Armin grumbled. “It’s your favorite. Xiao Long Bao.” Armin didn’t move. Levi sat on the edge of the bed and placed the food on the bedside table. He leaned down to place a kiss on Armin’s cheek, but froze. Eren’s words echoing in his head. He pulled away and set a hand on Armin’s hips. “Baby, my love, what’s going on? You’re scaring me…” It seemed like Armin had gone non-verbal which meant he would probably have to admit him. Once he got like that it was only hours before he would engage in self-harmful behavior. “Armin, if you-” He paused for a second. “If you don’t talk to me, you know we’re gonna have to go to the hospital, right?” Levi expected the same reaction he always got at this point: Armin staying silent. Instead, Armin rolled over to face his boyfriend and grabbed his hand. Levi froze, trying not to startle the younger man. Armin sighed.
“Eren told you, didn’t he?” It felt more like a statement than a question, but Levi still nodded. “It was freshman year and I’d never been to a party before. I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to take drinks from strangers. He seemed so…” He drawled off and took a deep breath. “He seemed so kind and charismatic and endearing. So, I took the drink. I drank it and then drank some more. The night is a blur and the last thing I actually remember is being in a hospital room getting swabbed and asked if I wanted to press charges. I didn’t. I was too afraid. I was there on a full-ride scholarship and if I lost it then I had no chance of getting my degree.” Levi was petting Armin’s hair while nodding his head to show he was listening. “They kept the evidence and it’s probably still there today, but I don’t know if I could ever bring myself to press charges.”
“I was raped too.” Armin froze. “It happened a few times while I was in the system. Shitty people always get granted the right to foster kids. Some fucked up individuals.” Levi shook his head. “Once I got away from the system, it never happened again and I bought a gun to keep myself safe. Albeit, it was an illegal firearm, but,” he chuckled, “it kept me safe.”
“It happened to me when I was in the system too. Eren and Mikasa don’t know and I never reported it or went to the hospital, but, you’re right, there are some fucked up people in the foster care system.” Armin paused for a moment and Levi could tell he was having a debate in his head. So, he grabbed Armin’s hand and pulled it to his lips, placing a kiss on it. “I have an illegal firearm too, if it makes you feel better. I keep it with me when I’m working late and, yeah, if I ever have to use it, I’m fucked because it isn’t registered in my name, but it’s the only thing that kept me alive when I needed it.” A moment of silence passed over the duo before Levi spoke, keeping his voice steady and calm.
“Armin, for obvious reasons, I need to know where you keep that gun.”
“Are you asking this as Captain Ackerman, or Levi?”
“I’m asking as your boyfriend. If you have a firearm that you could potentially use to end your life then I need to know where it is at all times and I need to know where the ammunition is.”
“It’s in the bottom drawer of the vanity dresser. Ammunition is in the coffee table, middle drawer.”
Levi nodded. “Thank you.” He placed another kiss on Armin’s hand. Armin pulled himself into a sitting position and laid his head on his lover’s chest. “Armin,” Levi started, “look at me.” Armin craned his neck to look at him. Levi rested their foreheads together. “It wasn’t your fault, okay?” He was staring into Armin’s ocean-blue eyes. “I want to hear you say it. It wasn’t my fault.” Armin stayed silent and Levi saw the tears forming in his eyes. “It wasn’t your fault.”
Armin took in a deep breath. “It wasn’t-” He stopped as a few tears slid down his face. Levi pulled their heads apart and changed their position so that Armin was sitting in his lap, facing him. Armin wrapped his arms around Levi's neck while Levi kept his hands on Armin's waist to steady him. He stared up at his boyfriend, brushing hair out of his face.
“Before I met you, I had no family, no home, no place in this world. You walked stubbornly into my life. You forced your way in and forced me to become your friend.” Armin was frowning. Levi smiled and placed a small kiss on his lips. “You were like a breath of fresh air. It was like-” He stopped to find the words. “It was like before I met you, I-I was drowning and I refused to accept anyone’s help. No one would truly understand what it was like growing up in this fucked up world with only your best friends to have your back, but… You did. You knew that pain. That pain of... being alone and-and you still woke up every day and you chose kindness. You didn’t let your life be determined by the bad and, instead, you focused on the good. You were the rainbow at the end of a terrible storm. You are my home, you complete me, you make me happy and bring joy and if I hadn’t met you, I don’t know where I’d be.” Armin had tears flowing down his face and Levi wiped each one away, his smile never leaving his face. “When I wake up and see you sleeping, I just smile and stare. If I could take all your trauma and wash it away so that it never existed, I’d do it in a heartbeat.” Levi placed another kiss on Armin’s lips. “You are sunshine.”
“How-” Armin took a shaky breath. “How could you love someone like me?" Levi’s smile fell and he watched Armin look down at his hands, playing with them. “I’m not the best at anything, my mental health is terrible, I can barely help you pay rent on this apartment and-and I’m ugly.”
“You are not ugly. Don’t ever say that about yourself. You are the most beautiful, most handsome man I have ever meant and I love you despite your mental health. I love you regardless of how much money you earn. Don’t ever call yourself ugly again.” He took Armin’s face into his hands and forced the younger man to look into his eyes. “When I see you, I see my home. Your eyes are my home, your mind, body, soul, they are my home and without them, I’m not complete.”
“I’m sorry-”
“Don’t ever apologize for how you feel, or for what you feel. I love you today, I’ll love you tomorrow, and I will continue to love you in a hundred years.”
“Yeah, but-”
Levi stopped him by kissing his lips. When he pulled away, he rested their foreheads together again. “But nothing. We will get through this hard time just like we have every year since we’ve been together.”
“I love you.”
“And I love you.” Levi kissed him again. “Now, eat. I’ve already had mine and in a few hours, I’m not gonna be able to do anything because this cold is gonna kick my ass.” Armin laughed and moved out of Levi’s lap. He leaned his head on Levi’s shoulder as the elder helped him eat.