Archive of Our Own

Ellie quietly stands in front of Maria and Tommy's fireplace mantel, her gaze solemnly regarding the chalkboard memorial, her thoughts swirling like autumn leaves on the stormy wind of her disquiet. The names and dates have long ago carved themselves into her memory, yet they still hold her captive on this mild spring morning. On any other day, the morning might feel alive with the promise of warmth and renewal, but here in this quiet reverie—frozen in the sunbeam dust of this house that's not her home—Ellie feels like an unmoored vessel, adrift and alone.

Her heart aches with disquieting fears as her eyes linger once more on the names. Kevin, Maria's son, snatched from life just months into his third year. And then there's Sarah, Joel's daughter... Sarah, who perished at 14, cradled in her father's arms, as the world they knew was consumed by fear and chaos. Ellie remembers that a soldier, not the infection, stole Sarah's life in those late hours. She recalls that Tommy saved Joel's life that night, and in the aftermath, Joel had very nearly embraced his own anguished end, just barely flinching at the self-inflicted gunshot that would have found him following in his daughter's fate. His real daughter. His irreplaceable Sarah.

Maria approaches Ellie from behind, her voice a gentle murmur, not wishing to startle her suddenly. "You seem quite taken with our memorial lately. A penny for your thoughts?"

Ellie's shoulders sag, and she musters a wry retort. "Pennies are dead currency, Maria. Are my thoughts that fucking worthless?"

Maria sighs, her eyes rolling. "Ellie, you are sometimes too smart and too smart-mouthed for your own good." She places her hands gently on Ellie's shoulders, turning the girl's body to face her. "You're going to tell me what's so fascinating about that chalkboard, or I'll tell Tommy you're infatuated with the quality of his penmanship—and Lord knows that man does not need a bigger ego. Now.... out with it."

Ellie grimaces, relenting to Maria's threat. "No wonder you're a former assistant district attorney. It's gotta be unethical to do someone so dirty."

Maria laughs. "Don't tempt me to hold you in contempt of court."

"Alright, you win." Ellie huffs, her gaze falling to the floor as she scuffs her sneaker against it. "It's about... well... your son and Joel's daughter."

Maria, sensing the turmoil etching itself onto Ellie's features, forgoes a sarcastic reply involving her thanks to Captain Obvious. Instead, she gestures toward the kitchen. "Let's sit at the table, okay? Whatever's on your mind, you can talk to me."

As Maria pours two glasses of water, she recalls a phrase from her legal career, often used to describe obstinate individuals in court proceedings: tough nuts to crack. Unfazed by the challenge, she places the glasses on the table and takes her seat, gesturing as if to grant Ellie the floor to speak. Ellie acknowledges her with a shrug but remains mute.

Maria inhales deeply, bracing herself for the arduous path ahead. "It seems that whatever's troubling you has to do with Kevin and Sarah. No judgment, I'm just here to listen. So let's start with the former. We haven't really discussed my son before. Are you curious about him?"

Ellie averts her gaze, her voice laced with uncertainty. "I mean... I guess I am? Or I should be? Fuck, you're going to think I'm such an asshole."

Maria scoffs, taking a sip of water. "Ellie, relax. You've never bothered to grow a set of manners for me before, so don't start now. If you ask a question I'm not comfortable answering, I'll let you know. Until then, just speak plainly. I want you to think of this as a place where you can feel at home, so if something about the memorial makes you uneasy, I promise I'd rather you tell me than suffer in silence. Alright?"

Ellie nods, her fingers absently stroking the back of her neck. Moments pass in awkward silence, and Maria stifles a sigh. Engaging with this girl can sometimes feel like pulling teeth.

"So about Kevin—" Maria begins.

"—is the new baby going to replace him?" Ellie interjects, her words cascading in a hurried torrent, leaving Maria momentarily at a loss for words.

Maria reins in her initial defensive response, choosing her words with thoughtful consideration. "Replace him? No, Ellie... a new baby doesn't replace an older child. They're an addition to the family, whether previous children are still living or not. Does that make sense?"

Ellie clicks her tongue impatiently, clearly dissatisfied with how her outburst has been interpreted. "That's not what I fucking meant... Sorry. I guess I'm just wondering if the love you had for Kevin transfers to the new kid? Or if the new one won't be able to earn all your love because you'll always be saving some in reserve for the one who died? Or... fuck, this is coming out all wrong."

Maria's eyes soften, her expression reassuring. "I think I see what you're getting at, and it's a valid question. It comes up in families here in Jackson who have living children and there's a new addition to the family. It could be a new baby, a new parental figure, even a new pet—but there's often an element of worry from the existing family members about being 'replaced' or having love and affection diverted."

Ellie nods absently; Maria isn't quite sure if she's hit the mark, so she tries another approach.

"It's like this... you know how water expands when it freezes? Well, love can do the same thing. You add a new element to the mix—such as a new baby in the family—and the collective love within the family expands and becomes more. In a perfect world, it would always work that way, and I won't lie to you and say it's a sure thing, but I think when people are mindful about it, they try to take care to expand their hearts so there's always more than enough love to go around. They don't abandon those whom they loved beforehand in the process."

Ellie ponders Maria's words. "Are you saying that when the new baby is born, you'll be able to keep on loving Kevin in the same way you already do because he won't steal love away from the baby, and the baby won't steal love from him?"

Maria nods. "It's my sincere hope that it will work that way. I'll do my damndest to see that it does."

Ellie's eyes cloud over with fresh concerns. "But what if one day, the new baby feels like it's been cheated because the love you saved for Kevin could have belonged to them? Like maybe you tried to expand your heart and shit, but the new kid ends up carrying around this weight of a dead brother they'll never live up to."

Ellie suddenly kicks out at a table leg. "It's not fucking fair. The new one deserves all that love. Sarah never had to share, so why should I..." Her voice dwindles as she stares at the tablecloth, her thoughts adrift.

Maria inhales deeply and exhales slowly. "So... this isn't really about Kevin, is it?" Ellie wordlessly shrugs.

"Then talk to me about Sarah, Ellie."

The name hangs heavy in the air, a ghostlike presence summoned by Maria's patient urging. Ellie's fingers tighten around the edges of the table, as if anchoring herself to the present. "Sometimes I just feel..."

"Jealous?" Maria asks, her tone understanding and nonjudgmental. Ellie squirms in her seat for a time before nodding silently.

"Ellie, you're human. I don't know if this is news to you, but you're about the farthest thing from a saint that's ever walked this earth."

Ellie presents Maria with a spirited middle finger accompanied by a brief, beatific smile. Maria chuckles. "See? Not bad observational skills for a 'former assistant district attorney', huh?"

The two share a moment of levity before the weight of the conversation returns. The air, heavy with emotion, lingers in the room as Maria speaks with quiet conviction. "Ellie, jealousy is an intrinsic part of the human condition. We all experience it from time to time. When Tommy and Joel spend time together, I feel a pang of jealousy, because I don't have a sibling here to connect with. Tommy, in turn, harbors envy toward Joel's adeptness with firearms and blades—though I’ll plead unequivocal innocence if you ever tell him I said that.”

Ellie smirks, mimicking taking notes, prompting Maria to wag a playful finger in warning.

“The younger kids in town get jealous of the privileges held by the older kids,” she continues. “The adults feel envious of the youngsters’ vitality and youth. Jealousy is inevitable and everywhere, if you look for it. So why let it drag you down with guilt and shame?”

As the conversation unfolds, Ellie withdraws, her gaze drawn inward as she contemplates her deepest fears. “Because I’m not s’posed to, you know… be jealous of Joel’s dead daughter. That’s pretty fucking shitty of me, right? You can just say it. You don’t have to be nice.”

"Jealousy is a natural emotion. I promise I'm not judging you for it. But Ellie, listen to me. No one can ever replace Sarah, just like no one can ever replace Kevin. The love Joel has for Sarah is unique, and it doesn't diminish the care he has for you. Same goes for me and Kevin, and the new baby."

Ellie's fingers trace abstract shapes upon the tablecloth, her voice barely audible. "But what if I'm just a consolation prize? What if I'm only here because Sarah's gone?"

A tear slips down Ellie's cheek, and she brushes it away with the back of her hand. "I just... I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to take away from her memory."

Maria sits for a long moment, considering her next words carefully. "You're not a burden, Ellie. You've brought meaning and laughter back into Joel's life; you've shown him that there's still hope in this world, even amidst all the darkness."

"And Ellie," Maria continues, her voice soft yet insistent, "you are not, and never have been, a replacement for Sarah in Joel's life. You need to understand that. And I think, deep down, you don't actually want to be a substitute for her."

Ellie shifts in her seat, the sting of vulnerability coursing through her. It's as if Maria has touched a raw nerve, exposing the painful truth that Ellie has tried so hard to suppress. She sits there, feeling like an uninvited guest at a family gathering, her presence an uncomfortable reminder of the losses they've all endured.

Ellie’s cheeks redden at how transparent she feels, wishing in this moment to be absolutely anywhere but snug up against Maria and Tommy’s shitty kitchen table and having this unbearably uncomfortable conversation. Maria quietly reaches a steadying hand across the table, but Ellie stares at it unblinkingly, not wanting to touch or be touched in this moment. Comfort is for the deserving; Ellie feels more like a phantom limb on this stitched-together family; an unwanted specter in this house that’s not a home.

"Ellie, you can talk to me," Maria says gently. "I promise, whatever you say will stay between us. It won't leave this room. Unless… well, unless it’s something dire, like you’re thinking about running away.”

Maria blinks as though startled with recognition, and leans closer to Ellie. “Please tell me you’re not thinking of running away."

Ellie heaves a frustrated sigh. “Chill the fuck out, Maria. It’s nothing like that.”

She takes a deep breath, the words lodged in her throat like a dam holding back a torrent of emotion. "But you're right... I don't want to replace Sarah or Tess or anyone else," she admits, her voice barely audible. "I want to be... something more. Something that's uniquely me."

As she speaks, her thoughts turn to the dreams that haunt her: dreams of Sarah returning as one of the infected, stealing Joel away from her, leaving her all alone. The fear and anger rise within her, spilling forth in a rush of anguished words.

“The more Joel talks about her, the more she takes up space in my mind. I dream about Sarah coming back to life, and she takes Joel away from me. Sometimes she kills him, sometimes he just leaves with her, but she has this hold on him that never goes away.”

Ellie’s words begin tumbling out faster, her speech growing disjointed as angry tears prick at her eyes.

“I beg him to stay, I tell him I don’t want to end up alone, but he always fucking chooses her. And she was so good, y’know—Joel’s good little girl—and I’m everything he would have never wanted her to be. I swear a lot, I’m not girly, I don’t have her killer smile or her climbing skills. Pretty much the only thing I’ve got going for me is that I’m funny, supposedly. But he usually groans at my jokes, and I’m always afraid of disappointing him. I wake up at night screaming, and every day he looks more and more worn out from all the ways I make him worry.”

Ellie’s torrent becomes a flood, and she slumps her head on the table as her body wracks with barely audible sobs. Maria quietly moves her chair closer to the distraught girl and gently places a comforting hand on her shoulder. She makes no sounds of soothing, believing Ellie would be more amenable to a companionable silence. After several long minutes, the girl’s storm begins to subside.

"Ellie," she says quietly, “I know you well enough by now that I expect the moment your forehead leaves this table, you’ll be inclined to feel embarrassed—maybe even a little hostile or defensive. I’m asking you to please try to resist that urge for me, okay? You don’t have to say anything, just let me know you’ve heard me.”

Ellie nods her head slowly, her forehead still pressed to the tear-dampened tablecloth.

“And I won’t dwell on this, but I’m proud of you for being so open and honest with me. That takes a lot of bravery—or balls, if that makes it easier to hear. You’re a pretty fuckin’ awesome kid when you’re not being a pain in the ass.”

Maria is rewarded for her blunt ‘Ellie-speak’ with a subdued sound of appreciation from the somber teenager.

Maria continues, her voice firm yet compassionate. "I'm not going to tell you that your feelings are invalid. I hate that shit, when people dismiss our emotions because they don't match their own perceptions. But I’m going to offer up some observations for you, okay? Take from them what you will, but I promise, I’m not just blowing smoke up your ass.”

Ellie keeps her forehead in place, but tentatively reaches for Maria's hand, seeking reassurance. The older woman's grip is warm and steady. "Joel loves you, Ellie," Maria says, her words resonating with the certainty of truth.

Ellie swallows the notion—love—as if she's a parched castaway on a deserted island, and it's the first fresh water she's had in days. She wants to devour it whole, bathe and play in its oasis, let it cascade down her body and seep into her skin until she's soaked in its nourishment, made clean and renewed by its lifegiving solace. Her lithe hand trembles in the comforting anchor of Maria's palm.

Maria squeezes Ellie's hand with tenderness. “He loves you so damn much that I’ll be honest: I didn’t know what to make of it when you two first rejoined us here in Jackson. I know you both better now, all of us have become a ‘found family’ of sorts, but I’d be lying if I said I fully understand what you two are to each other. Know what I’ve realized though?”

Maria asks the question rhetorically, quickly continuing her train of thought.

“I’ve realized that it’s none of my damn business. You two make each other happy in your own inscrutable way, and who are any of us to judge? The world went to hell over twenty years ago, and nothing’s the way it used to be. People find each other in this wild fuckin’ world—good people—and they hold onto each other for much more than just survival. You know those comic books you like, the ones that make ‘endure and survive’ sound like a real admirable goal? Well that's horseshit, because there’s so much more to life than that. What you and Joel have? That transcends simply 'enduring'; you two have found something and someone to live for—to truly live for—in a world that has been torn apart. What we've built here in Jackson, this community, is more than just survival—it's a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. That's what I call thriving, not merely surviving."

Maria's words hang in the air, offering Ellie a glimpse of hope and understanding. There is a truth to them, a wisdom that seems to cut through the fog of Ellie's insecurities and fears.

Still, Ellie is Ellie. She lifts her gaze, a defiant edge to her voice. "Fuck you, dude. Savage Starlight is the best."

Maria fixes Ellie with her most potent 'disapproving Mom glare' and feigns exasperation. "Really? After all the wisdom I just laid at your feet, that's your takeaway?"

A smile threatens to break through Ellie's facade, and Maria's laughter fills the air.

"Alright, you little shit, brace yourself for more of my irrepressible wisdom." She gives Ellie's hand another gentle squeeze, her voice softening with sincerity.

"What I'm trying to say is... Your fears are relatable and understandable, but they may not carry any substantial weight. Have you ever seen a Monet painting? That man painted masterpieces that can often only be truly appreciated from a distance; when you see the work up close, it can become indistinct and vague. Now, don't let it go to your head—I'm not comparing you and Joel to an impressionist masterpiece or anything. I'm only saying that maybe you're too close to the situation to grasp its true essence."

Ellie sits upright, her eyes cast downward, seemingly unable to meet Maria's gaze yet hanging on her every word.

"Ellie... Joel belongs to you. The connection you two share is unlike anything I've ever witnessed, not before the world crumbled and not since. You're more than partners, more than family, more than blood. Sometimes I think some divine force must have yanked Joel up by his ankles and shaken him until you tumbled out of his heart. To borrow a clichéd line from a movie that's well before your time... you complete him."

A deep blush stains Ellie's cheeks, and she lifts a hand to hide her unguarded smile. "That line is so fucking cheesy."

Maria chuckles and shakes her head. "Yeah, not even Chef Boyardee would smother his pasta in that much cheese. But where was I?"

She continues, her voice tender. "Tess was Joel's partner, Sarah was—is—his daughter, but you occupy a space entirely your own. There's no word for what you are to each other, but in this world where nothing is legally binding in the old-school sense and everything is open to interpretation, you two hold the pen that writes your destiny. Don't squander that gift, Ellie. Don't waste it on worry. Time is finite; Joel's in his 50s, and you don't see many truly 'old' folks in Jackson or anywhere else these days."

Ellie's posture stiffens, her hands clasping tightly in her lap.

"I don't mean to upset you," Maria soothes, "and it's something I've had to come to terms with concerning Tommy as well. We just happen to love two men who are approaching the twilight years of their lives. So Ellie... cherish the time you have. Love him like the world is ending, because it has once already, and who's to say it won't happen again?"

Ellie swallows hard, absorbing Maria's words. After a moment, she draws a deep breath and sighs. "But Sarah—"

"—but Sarah," Maria interrupts gently, "is dead. Both she and Kevin, may their souls rest in peace, have been gone for over twenty years. Don’t make your life a monument to her ghost, Ellie. Joel hasn’t done that to you, has he?”

Ellie looks down at her hands, now clenched into fists in her lap, and gives a small shake of her head.

Maria nods. "So when he talks about her with you, it's because he trusts you. That's huge, Ellie. Let him reminisce when the mood takes him; let him fondly remember the little girl he raised and loved for far too short a time. She can't take him away from you, and from what I've learned about Sarah, I don't believe she would want to. But if you feel jealous, or worried, or scared, don't beat yourself up about it. Don't keep it all bottled up, either. Come talk to me, or Tommy, or—here's a revolutionary thought—talk to Joel."

Maria quickly slaps her palms onto the table top, as if to break Ellie from the spell of her quiet contemplation.

"That man adores you, girl! And here's a cold splash of reality for you: sometimes I get jealous when I see how completely he adores you because that's the way I want Tommy to see me—like I'm someone he can't imagine living without."

Maria gazes into the distance and sighs, her voice softening. "I'm no saint either, Ellie. I'm a woman relearning how to love and be loved in a fucked up world. And I'll love you too if you let me, or we can just tolerate each other amicably, but know this... I am always here for you, you little punk. And I can swear with the best of 'em too, so bring it."

Ellie gaze finally meets Maria's eyes, and she's struck by the potent blend of compassion, affection, and good-natured humor she finds there. She ducks her head shyly and rubs at her eyes with the heels of her hands.

"Yeah, well... We're still in a fight because you besmirched Savage Starlight."

Maria's eyes widen with surprise, and she laughs heartily. "How on earth do you even know what the word 'besmirched' means, young lady?"

Ellie offers her a wry grin. "FEDRA school wasn't terrible at everything, I guess." She pauses in thought. "That, or I have a raging hard-on for books with big words."

Maria shakes her head fondly. "That's it: we're getting you a Jackson library card, stat. Want to hold my hand while we walk into town?"

Ellie guffaws. "Like hell I will, you nut job!"

Maria smiles as they stand up from the table, giving Ellie's ponytail a playful tug as the girl straightens her shirt. "You're lucky you're lovable, you little brat."

Ellie's lips quirk as she begins to retort with something snarky, but she changes her mind. Instead, she places her hand on the older woman's shoulder for the briefest moment. "You too, Maria."

Maria smiles to herself as Ellie bounds ahead through the front door, her heart quietly overflowing with something that feels a whole lot like peace.

As she passes the living room threshold, she pauses a moment to regard the mantle memorial that had inspired both inadvertent anguish and tender vulnerability that day.

"You're in our hearts." Maria speaks low and soft into the encompassing silence. "Thank you for helping us find reasons to live."