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i live deliberately, i’m a quitter

Summary:

Season 2 Episode 31 spoilers!

If this has all been one big scam, why didn’t Hermie steal the Teeny the Teen costume for Chaparall at the dance in s2 e6? Maybe it got more complicated than he intended…

Notes:

first ever dndads fic, new hyperfixation let’s go!

this latest episode killed me in a million ways (so excited to see Scary’s development), but when I saw this idea on tumblr I knew I had to write something!

please leave comments and kudos, they make my day <3

title is from Love, Me Normally by Will Wood, and the first few lines of dialogue are from dndads s2ep6

Work Text:

When Hermie saw Normal rushing into the bathroom, he knew he finally had his opening. He smirked behind his joker script - finally, Chaparall would have Teen High’s mascot suit, Teeny the Teen! As he made his way towards Normal, Link intercepted him.

“Hey, Hermie, dude - look, man, look your date’s having a horrible time! Go do something!”

Play it cool, you have to stay in character, Hermie thought to himselfDon’t come off too excited, you’re just a theatre kid here for a fake date to practice your method acting. He took a breath and put on his sleaziest grin. “Oh, I have to… continue my role, do I?”

“He said to give him space, but that doesn’t apply to the person you’re on a date with!” Link said incredulously.

Perfect, his friends won’t suspect a thing when I go after him. “Oh, okay. Alright… I will… continue the method.”

Hermie slinked off into the bathroom, mentally planning exactly how he’d go about getting Normal to take off the mascot costume in his moment of distress. He already had a spare tuxedo on, all he needed to do was convince Normal to wear it. He’d find some way, the guy seemed impressionable enough.

Hermie pushed down guilt at this thought - Normal had enough on his plate already, would it be cruel to beat him while he was down? No, no - Chaparall needed the costume and so did Hermie, once he got it he’d finally be loved and have friends.

But what about Normal? He seemed to be in desperate need of real friends, especially right now, and doing this would definitely cut him deep. Hermie shook his head, crushing the thought down. The ends justify the means, or at least that’s what he kept telling himself as he finally entered the bathroom.

Normal was already pulling off his mascot costume. Hermie smirked - all according to plan before he even had to say a thing!
Then he heard something that stopped him in his tracks: a sniffle.

Hermie’s smile faltered as Normal turned. His eyes were red-rimmed and his face was wet with tears, yet when he saw Hermie, he brightened a bit.

“Hermie! You came after me!” Normal wiped at his tears, attempting to minimize the damage.

Hermie’s eyes flickered between Normal’s face and the mascot head laying on the counter by the sink. He mentally debated - he could just grab the head and run, but then he wouldn’t have the rest of the costume… and Normal would just be left here. He looked so happy that Hermie had thought about him. Hermie paused - why not play along a bit longer? If it even was pretend at this point…

“Of course, Normal. I am your date, after all.” Wait, it was supposed to be part of an act, they weren’t really dates… right? “Just have to… practice my acting. See this date through to the end of the night.”

Normal’s smile faded. “Right… it’s just for your role, this doesn’t really matter to you, does it…” He kept taking off his mascot suit, struggling to unzip the back.

“Do you… need help?”

“You know, that would be great, Hermie.”

Hermie began to unzip him - finally, Teeny the Teen in his hands! He could feel the imminent popularity in his veins, Chapparal would love him! He was so close, already planning his escape as Normal stepped out of the costume.

“Thanks, Hermie.”

Hermie snapped out of his fantasies. Normal’s voice was small, lacking its usual chipper cheery mascot quality. He looked down at Normal, crouched on the floor wearing only his boxers and shivering. Hermie should at least give him his backup suit before stealing Teeny, he was Normal’s date, after all. No matter that this would slow him down - no one suspected a thing, it’d be fine. He’d still make it out with the mascot and have plenty of time to spare, he was just practicing his acting, that’s all.

Hermie made a big show of ripping off his tearaway tuxedo, revealing an identical tuxedo underneath. “Don’t worry Normal, I always come prepared.” He added a wink for good measure, hoping the charm would make up for what he was about to do.

Normal watched Hermie with something akin to awe. “Wow… you’re like a real actor and everything!” Then, his shoulders slumped. “Do you think… do you think you could teach me how to pretend to be a normal teenager? Like one of those extras in a movie or something?”

Hermie had taken a step towards the mascot costume, but something in Normal’s tone made him hesitate. “…Why do you need to know how to do that, Normal?”

“Well, I need to make my dad proud of me, right? And I think that’s the only way I ever can.” Normal’s voice broke as he tried to hold back more tears from rushing out.

Hermie stopped as Normal’s words sunk in, striking a chord within him. Hermie never knew his biological father, having been adopted as a child, but he understood how it felt to be ashamed of who you are, to go from character to character in an attempt to get someone, anyone to stay. So, instead of moving forward with his plan, he crept closer to Normal and bent down next to him.

“Hey, don’t say that, Normal. You’re one of a kind, don’t listen to your dad, okay? Being you is what makes you interesting. You shouldn’t pretend to be anyone you’re not - you haven’t before and that’s why me and Scary, Taylor and Link have all stuck around.”

Normal wiped at his face as a few tears managed to spill over. “Do you really think so?”

“I know so. You’re special, Normal Oak-Swallows-Garcia.”

Hermie looked into Normal’s eyes and gently cupped his cheek. Normal’s eyelids fluttered closed as they leaned towards one another, softly brushing their lips together.

The door to the bathroom slammed open as Link, Scary, and Taylor rushed in hurriedly, with distant echoes of screaming following them close behind. “Tony Pepperoni has the sauce, you have to get out there and help us!” They all yelled frantically.

Hermie and Normal broke apart at the noise, both immediately jumping up.

“Seriously?” Scary glared at them. “We’re out there fighting and you guys are in here making out? Literally no one ever helps me!”

Taylor looked annoyed. “C’mon guys, I need my anime sidekicks! You can’t team up with each other!”

Link grimaced. “Just hurry up and get out of here, we don’t have time for whatever this is!”

Normal began pulling on the tearaway tuxedo with Hermie’s help as the rest of the gang went back into the fray. Even as the sounds of chaos reverberated from the doorway, Normal had a small smile on his face.

“Y’know, Hermie? I think maybe you’re right. Even if my dad isn’t proud of me, I’m still surrounded by a lot of people who are. Maybe being normal is overrated and I should just stick to being me, the real me.”

Hermie gave Normal a quick kiss on the cheek before offering his hand.

“Shall we?”

Normal intertwined their fingers before they left to join the battlefield that once was their high school dance.

Hermie didn’t even notice that he’d left the Teeny the Teen costume in the bathroom.