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Control.
Control, anything, everything.
You have to.
You have to.
You have—
“Isagi,” Bachira’s voice startled him, “you don't eat?”
Isagi gave his plate a glance, he could faintly smell the food from there.
He looked back at Bachira, he took his chopsticks in his hand and picked up some food, he forced himself not to look as he ate that portion, slowly chewing everything, so slowly, hurry up, you don't have enough time.
He swallowed, offering Bachira a smile.
Bachira smiled back, he started eating too. “What do you think the next stage will be like?”
Isagi didn't answer, too concentrated on figuring out how much food he should pick up with his chopsticks again.
He took a breath before putting the food in his mouth again and starting to chew, forcing himself to do it faster, this time, he swallowed and opened his water bottle.
He drank enough water to know that the bottle was now half empty.
His head screamed numbers, he tried to keep them in his mind, he tried to remember them, as he recalled what Bachira asked him.
“I don't know,” he finally said, “no idea, to be honest.”
“Same here, but now the cafeteria is still pretty empty, I wonder when the others will arrive…”
Isagi didn't answer, he had tuned his voice out as soon as he’d started talking, not because he wanted to, but because he had no other choices.
In his head, thousands of different voices screamed too many sentences to actually understand, Isagi could make out some words.
The usual ones.
“Isagi?” Bachira asked again. “Are you okay?”
Isagi stared at his plate. “I have a lot on my mind right now, sorry.”
“That's fine, are you worried about something? Do you want to talk about it?”
Please stop talking to me. “I'm good.”
I'm good, of course I am.
“You don't sound good,” Bachira said, “you sure?”
Isagi nodded. He glanced at his plate again, barely eaten, it was almost as if he hadn't actually taken those two bites.
He sighed. “I'm not very hungry right now, do you want this?”
Bachira looked at him.
He smiled such a sorry smile, Isagi was starting to resent him. “Isagi, you’ve barely eaten.”
“I'm kinda nauseous,” he lied, “don't really feel like eating—”
“Is that true?”
“Why would I lie?”
“You know why.”
He knew, of course he knew, he was, of course he was, he couldn't help it.
“Can you at least eat half of it?” Bachira asked.
Just the thought made Isagi's head scream more. “I don't know.”
“Do you wanna try?”
Did he?
He didn't.
Of course he didn’t.
He shook his head.
Bachira sighed. “Put it back in your place, okay? Maybe you can still eat in a bit.”
Like that would have been better.
Isagi nodded. “Okay.”
He got up and picked up his plate, he didn't miss the way Bachira’s eyes didn't leave him, he walked to his number and opened the little door, placing the plate back in its place.
He walked back to the table and just said:
“I'm gonna go to sleep.”
“Do you want to stay here a bit longer?” Bachira asked. “Just until I finish eating.”
Isagi didn't want to. “Okay.”
He sat back to his chair and stared.
He stared at Bachira, he was eating in his way, messy, he took big bites of his food and swallowed it with little water, his cheek was dirty with sauce, he took bite after bite so rapidly, Isagi had no idea how he didn't even have a stomach ache after eating so much and so quickly.
His eyes left him as soon as his plate was empty, as soon as his water bottle didn't have a single drop of water left, only at that point did Bachira turn to him.
“How are you feeling?”
Isagi didn't know.
To be honest, he felt…
Full.
So fucking full, after those two bites, after having seen him eat, he just felt…
Like the worst person alive.
“I’m good,” he only said.
He didn't want to make him cry again.
“That's nice,” he answered, “do you think you can eat a bit more now?”
No. Isagi shook his head.
Bachira stared at him for three seconds. “Okay, do you want to go to sleep?”
“Maybe I’ll train a bit more,” he said, “just because.”
“Because what?”
After having eaten 132 calories I have to do at least 200 jumping jacks.
I have to. He shrugged. “I just feel like it.”
“Can I train with you?”
“I'm good, Bachira,” he said, he didn't try to mask the resentment in his voice, “I’m fine, okay? Don't worry and just go to sleep, okay?”
It wasn't okay, that much was obvious by the way his eyes softened, by the way he could feel him try to make up something.
Something not to make him work out.
“Are you sure?”
Isagi nodded. “I'm sure, it's really okay.”
Bachira sighed, and the voices in Isagi’s head smiled. “Okay, alright, see you in our room then.”
He gave in.
Isagi didn't know if he felt happy, relieved, or desperate.
He really had no idea, but he walked with him until their paths divided, until he was in the emptiness of the training room, until he was—
Hesitating.
Hesitating.
You have to—
I can't.
I don't want him to cry again.
He probably already is.
He probably—
But I have to.
I have to do this, I—
Why?
Why?
Why should I—
Cause I need it.
I—
Hesitating.
Hesitating.
He sighed.
His stomach hurt, familiar, uncomfortable pain, it screamed and begged for a decent meal, and Isagi couldn't—
He sighed again, silently walking away from the training room, it was just eight PM, he didn't think anyone would be in the room at that hour.
Apart from Bachira.
Isagi took a deep breath before opening the door to the room.
Bachira was sitting on his bed, he looked up. “You’re fast.”
“I didn't.”
Bachira didn't say anything.
“I'm sorry.”
He didn't say anything.
“Can you…” Isagi swallowed the saliva that was just too much in his mouth. “Can you come with me?”
Bachira didn't answer. “Why?”
“‘Cause if I'm alone I won't be able to do it.”
Bachira’s eyes didn't leave him for a few seconds, he looked away.
“I’m sorry,” Isagi said again, “I know it's not your responsibility to—”
“Okay.”
Isagi stilled.
“I can come with you,” Bachira smiled at him.
Of course.
Of course he doesn't want to do this.
He shouldn't have to.
He shouldn't have to.
“Thank you,” and they were in the now emptiness of the cafeteria, sitting at that same table, while Isagi just…
Stared.
He stared at his plate, he didn't bother masking the shaking of his hand as he took his chopsticks, he didn't bother hiding the trembling of his lower lip as he brought the food to his mouth, he didn't bother wiping the tears from his cheeks as he chewed it.
He just swallowed the food and took some more.
Until the plate was half empty and his stomach was exploding.
He carefully placed the chopsticks beside his plate, he glanced at Bachira. “I can't anymore.”
Bachira nodded. “Okay, okay… you wanna go to sleep?”
Isagi nodded.
“Is everything okay?”
No, it's not. “You know.”
He smiled at him, his smile was just…
Too much for Isagi.
“I'm sorry you feel like this,” Bachira offered.
“It's not your fault,” Isagi just said, he said it for both him and himself, going against the voices always ready to paint Bachira as the villain.
As if the real villain wasn't himself.
You're not, he remembered what Bachira once told him, what you hear doesn't mean you're the villain.
But it does, he hadn't said it, that time, it does, the voices I hear in my head are my own, it's…
How can it not be my fault if what I hear is just…
“I'm sorry,” Isagi didn't know if he was lying or not, at this point he didn't care about figuring it out, he just said it to reassure him.
He didn't know if Bachira believed it, he didn't know if he knew he didn't know either, if it was true or not, but Bachira smiled. “It's okay.”
“It's not.”
“It is,” he insisted, “it's gonna be okay, I promise.”
Why?
Why are you promising something that you can't do anything about?
Isagi himself didn't know if he wanted it to be okay.
He didn’t remember what okay felt like, he just knew this, this prison he adored so much, this prison he needed to believe in.
That was okay for him, it had to be, what was there outside of that?
He didn't know, he didn't know at all. “Let's just sleep.”
Bachira nodded.
And they were in their room, laying in Bachira's bed, Isagi hated the comfort, his touch on his skin, it made his arms itch and his shoulders tremble, but he knew he wasn't doing it for himself.
He knew Bachira needed it.
He needs it to control you.
You have to be the one in control.
You have to—
Shut up.
He needed it, and Isagi didn't want to come back to the silent room to find him wide awake at two in the night like before, he didn't want him to cry again because You're ruining yourself by doing this, can't you see?
Why can't you see it?!
People are scared of what they don't know, and Bachira was just a person.
A scared person.
And Isagi didn't want him to be that scared anymore, so he held him tighter and breathed out, trying not to hear everything his head was telling him, the guilt, the rage, whatever all of that was, Isagi didn't want to care.
He fell asleep hoping it would be better the following day.
He fell asleep hoping it would all end soon.
He fell asleep hoping it would never let him go.
*
BONUS
“I just want to understand,” Bachira’s voice was trembling.
“I have nothing to say,” Isagi didn't care about the nothing in his voice.
He couldn't care about it.
“You do,” was what Bachira said, “you can talk to me, I can listen, I can—”
“I don't have anything to say,” I can't say, I can't say, I can't say, “don't worry, okay? I'm fine.”
“You are not.”
Isagi stilled.
“Why can't you be honest even on this?” it was clear Bachira was trying his best to…
What was he even doing? “Why can't you trust me with this—?”
“It's not you,” Isagi interrupted him, it's everyone, “you wouldn't understand.”
“Try me.”
“What do you want me to say?” Isagi couldn't mask the anger in his voice. “Leave me alone, Bachira, I don't have anything to say to you—”
“Why not?!” he shouted, it made Isagi flinch. “Why can't you talk to me? What's stopping you? I just— I— I don't want to see you just—”
“Leave it,” Isagi didn't— “I— shut up—”
“Why? Are you scared of the truth? Can you see it? It's insane, Isagi, I just want to help you—”
“You can't help me,” he shouted back, “you can't, you don't have to, I'm fine, why can't you understand?!”
“Because it's the third fucking day you haven't eaten a single thing and you keep training and training, do you think I'm that dumb? Do you really think I can't understand what's going on?!”
“Shut the fuck up, shut up, shut up, leave me be, I know what i'm doing—”
“You don't! How could you know?! I—”
“So now you know more than me?!” Isagi was angry. “Like I'm not aware of it? Do you think you know me better than myself?! I know what I'm doing, I know, I—”
“Then why don't you stop?!”
“I don't want to!”
They both flinched.
Silence fell between them.
“I don't want to,” Isagi didn't dare look at him, “that's the truth, that's why you can't understand, that's it.”
Bachira didn't answer.
Isagi looked up when he heard him sob.
Bachira was looking down, trying and failing to hide the tears that had started to fall from his eyes.
Suddenly Isagi didn't know what to think anymore.
“Bachira—”
“Shut up.”
Isagi didn't know what was happening.
“You're ruining yourself by doing this, all of this,” Bachira wiped the tears on his face, he looked up, a small, forced smile on his face, “you really can't see it, can you?”
Isagi didn't answer.
He didn't want to shout again.
“I'm sorry,” Bachira said, “you're right, I've got no right to be worried about you, what am I to you anyway, if you don’t even want to talk to me?”
Isagi didn’t answer.
Bachira sighed. “I wish you would want my help.”
He didn't answer.
Bachira moved, he started walking, he stopped when he was next to him, whispering a Goodnight before leaving the room.
Isagi didn't bother chasing after him.