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He was drowning. He was choking. There was darkness all around him, and hands on his throat, squeezing and not letting go. He fought against it as hard as he could, squirming and grabbing at the hands on him.
It felt like dozens of hands were grabbing at him, grabbing and hurting and pushing at him.
The cold of the water rushed around him then, rushing into his throat and lungs and drowning the cries on his tongue.
“Wylan.”
He tried to swim away, to get away, but his limbs felt like lead, heavy and unresponsive. He was going to die, and his father was going to win. How could he have failed him so miserably, that his own father would have him killed?
The hands were back on him again, and he struggled against them. Get off, get off, get off –
“Wylan!”
Wylan shot up out of bed, chest heaving. He was gasping in breath, tears running down his blotchy face. His hand shot up to his throat, feeling at the nonexistent bruises there. He’d almost died. His eyes hadn’t totally focused in yet, Wylan thought he was still on that damned boat, floating down the Belendt line.
Then there was a hand on his shoulder, the fingers brushing against Wylan’s own around his neck. They were too close, the hand was going to choke him.
“ Get off! ” Wylan snatched out with his hand, smacking the hand on his shoulder away, smacking it hard . He wouldn’t die here.
He wound around, stumbling back on his knees, pushing himself farther and farther away until there was suddenly nothing underneath him anymore. Wylan fell harshly from the bed onto the hardwood floor below. But he didn’t care, he had to get away. He shoved himself away, feet pushing himself against the far wall of his bedroom, his back pressing firmly against it.
There was a figure in front of his tear-blurred eyes, a tall, dark figure. The figure slowly got off of the bed and crouched in front of him, and Wylan furiously blinked away his tears so he could finally face the threat in front of him.
As his eyes cleared, his brain finally realized that the figure was no threat, but instead, his boyfriend, Jesper. Wylan’s breath was still shaky and hard, like he was trying to gasp in the air around him.
“Hey, hey . Deep breaths now, watch me,” Jesper didn’t touch him, instead just settled in front of Wylan, legs crossed under his lanky and shirtless frame. Wylan watched him place a hand on his own chest, the hand moving up and down as the boy breathed slowly and deeply.
Wylan tried to follow, sucking in slow breaths as his eyes shot around the room, taking in the dark furniture and mustard yellow wall that didn’t really look yellow in this lack of lighting, and finally back to Jesper’s face.
They sat for several minutes like that until Wylan’s sobs had reduced to sniffles, his breathing back to regular. He was still shaking violently.
“Can I… Can I touch you?” Jesper whispered, a slightly shaking hand leaving his chest and extending slowly in Wylan’s direction. Wylan just nodded before he pitched himself forward, falling into Jesper’s waiting arms. The arms closed around him firmly, but gently, staying well-away from his neck.
Jesper rubbed a gentle hand up and down Wylan’s back, trying to be comforting and calm his shaking. Wylan buried his face into his boyfriend’s chest, inhaling deeply. Jesper smelled familiar, smelled like home. He was safe. Wylan was safe.
But that meant… the hand grabbing at him…
“I hit you,” Wylan whispered, like if he said it any louder, then the whole world would scream at him, calling him an abuser and throwing him away.
“Its okay–” Jesper started to respond, his hand still a comforting presence against Wylan’s back. The fabric of his shirt shifted with the movement. Wylan pulled back from Jesper’s chest, his eyes narrowed in anger at himself.
“I hit you ,” Wylan hissed, pushing himself out of Jesper’s arms. He didn’t deserve love and comfort when he had just hit his boyfriend when all he was trying to do was help him.
“ Hey ,” Jesper whispered, his dark eyes shining in the low lighting. He was scared. Wylan thought maybe Jesper was scared of him , but Jesper was really just scared about the situation, scared that Wylan was pulling back from him, didn’t want him. “It’s not your fault, okay? I should have known better, I shouldn’t have touched you so quickly out of a nightmare,” Jesper shook his head at himself, how stupid could he be?
But it was the middle of the night, and Jesper was deep in sleep, only to be awoken from the crying and whimpering next to him. He had woken up and seen Wylan crying out in his sleep, stuck in a nightmare. He knew what it was most likely about, as Wylan had them every now and again.
Having been together for a few years then, Wylan had opened up to Jesper on the whole story, explaining the details of his attempted-murder by his father. Wylan had explained with unshed tears in his eyes how his father pretended to send him to Belendt with two guards, how the guards had held him and strangled him on that boat. How Wylan had escaped and jumped over the side into the canal, and had to bring himself to safety, as no one was there to help him anymore.
They had ended that conversation crying and hugging each other, Wylan crying over the memory of it, Jesper crying over how hurt his boyfriend was, how Jesper couldn’t do anything to have changed it.
But it was the middle of the night, and Jesper wasn’t thinking, wasn’t thinking about how Wylan reacted to certain touch, how his nightmares affected him, making him far too overstimulated and how he couldn’t handle touch when all he could remember was harmful hands squeezing him. So no, Jesper didn’t blame Wylan for his reflexive attack, he only blamed himself for not thinking when he finally got the boy to wake up.
But Wylan was upset about it. They didn’t hit in this house, they didn’t hurt. It was all Wylan experienced in this house after he had thought his mother had died, and it was important that nothing like that was around him again. So, Wylan pulled back, tucking into himself. He didn’t deserve Jesper’s love. Jesper could stand up and leave him right then, and Wylan wouldn’t blame him.
Wylan looked up at Jesper through his eyelashes, seeing the hurt on Jesper’s face. He did that . It was his fault, that Jesper looked hurt then. He had hit him . He was no better than his father. Unknowingly, Wylan’s breath had gone ragged and quick again, like he couldn’t get in enough air.
“Hey, hey, it's okay. Come on now, deep breaths,” Jesper inched closer, but didn’t touch Wylan. He was already too much in his own head, touch would only send him that much farther over the edge.
It was another several minutes before Wylan’s breath was controlled again, the two hunched on the hardwood floor.
“Where did I hit you?” Wylan searched around his boyfriend’s exposed skin, looking for a mark that wouldn’t be there. His dark skin would hide most anyways, and in reality, Wylan hadn’t hit him any harder than what would be a slight sting. Jesper was fine.
Jesper sighed before he lifted his arm, turning it to show the inside of his forearm. Without any light, Wylan couldn’t see any redness, any bruising. It was important that they held no secrets between them, so Jesper didn’t fight Wylan on it, even though he knew he wasn’t hurt and it wasn’t a big deal. But it was a big deal to Wylan, so he showed him.
Wylan’s eyes searched the unmarred skin anyways, looking for any sign of damage. There was none. Even so, the boy reached out a pale hand, his fingertips grazing over the smooth skin of Jesper’s arm. They both held their breaths for a moment, eyes fixated on Wyan’s hand on Jesper’s arm.
“I’m okay. You didn’t hurt me. It startled me, if anything,” Jesper whispered back, shaking his head a bit. He didn’t want Wylan shutting down over this. Making eye contact for a moment, Wylan leaned forward, reaching to kiss Jesper’s forearm. He moved slowly enough that Jesper would be able to pull away if he didn’t want it. But he didn’t, instead Jesper held perfectly still as his boyfriend leaned over and pressed a light kiss to the soft skin of his arm.
Letting out a breath, Jesper let his extended fingers graze over Wylan’s hair, the locks soft between his fingers. Wylan let out a shuddering breath, pulling back to allow his cheek to rest in Jesper’s hand, leaning into the touch. He knew he didn’t deserve the touch, but he couldn’t help himself.
Jesper released a sigh at that, his thumb brushing away the remaining tears from under Wylan’s eye. Wylan’s eyes fluttered shut, savoring the skin contact. Jesper’s hands had slight calluses from where his guns normally sat, but otherwise, his hands had become soft over his years with Wylan.
“I’m so sorry,” Wylan opened his eyes again, and met Jesper’s. Wylan only saw love in them. Jesper shook his head.
“Please. Don’t be. And don’t let yourself pull away,” Jesper pleaded. “I know what you’re thinking, okay? I know you think you don’t deserve my love, but you do. You do .” Wylan held his eye contact for a second more before practically collapsing, Jesper’s arms coming around him again and pulling the smaller boy into his lap. Wylan tucked his head under Jesper’s chin, his hand pressed against the skin over his heart. He could feel Jesper’s heart beating hard beneath it. Jesper rocked them back and forth gently, the movement having always helped them. It helped with Jesper’s need to always be moving, and it helped soothe Wylan after a particularly overwhelming situation.
So, they rocked. They breathed, and they rocked. They sat there for what could have been minutes, hours. From the way Jesper’s ass had finally gone numb, he guessed they had sat like that, rocking back and forth gently, for probably over half an hour.
“Can we go back to bed, please?” Wylan whispered finally, his ear pressed up against Jesper’s chest, listening to his now calmed heartbeat. Jesper hummed in response, pushing himself to stand up and bringing his boyfriend with him. It wasn’t too hard, as Wylan was still pretty small.
Jesper turned them around and laid Wylan back onto their bed, before crawling back over him, pulling their blankets back over their bodies. Wylan waited until Jesper had gotten comfortable again before shuffling over and placing his head back onto the Zemeni’s chest. Jesper let out a happy sigh, stringing his arm back over Wylan’s shoulder, his other playing with the hem of Wylan’s shirt under the covers.
“I love you, you know?” Jesper whispered to him, trying to see if the boy was still awake. “You… you’re my universe, Wy. There is nothing that could take me from you.”
Wylan’s breath caught at that. His universe . His mind went far back, back to that butterfly garden and the Saint and the sword. Sankta Neyar had called her husband her universe then. Wylan knew then that he thought the same. Jesper was his universe, his everything, and he didn’t want to lose him.
Shifting up slightly, Wylan’s bright eyes met Jesper’s, the taller boy looking down at him with love and adoration.
“I love you, too. So much,” Wylan kept their eye contact, needing Jesper to see how serious he was. Jesper just reached up with the hand that had been gently playing with Wylan’s shirt, moving it to cup Wylan’s cheek again. Wylan just pressed himself up even more, leaning over to kiss his boyfriend.
Their kiss was gentle, loving. Very different from the majority of their kisses, those kisses were filled with lust and desperation and longing. Sometimes their kisses were teasing, or quick and chaste when saying a quick goodbye. But sometimes their kisses were like this, slow and soft and full of love.
After a while, Wylan pulled back to breathe, a small smile on his face. He had eventually eased out of the habit of hiding his smiles, Jesper always encouraging him to be as open with his happiness and affection as he wanted. Jesper loved it, loved seeing Wylan’s smiles.
Settling back down onto Jesper’s chest, Wylan let out a sigh.
“What would the name of our universe be?”
Jesper laughed, fun and free. He hadn’t expected that question.
“Oh, I don’t know, what about that Daturma Ox flower thing from back then?” Jesper stumbled over the flower name, and Wylan knew he was thinking about that time in the garden again, when Sankta Neyar had practically defeated them without moving, until Kaz had exposed her universe to them. Wylan knew it was the only reason they had survived that night.
“It’s Datura Meloxia ,” Wylan faked exasperation, his voice teasing.
“I like mine better.”
Wylan barked out a laugh. Jesper grinned, happy to have finally made his boyfriend laugh after his nightmare.
“Of course you do.”
They were messy, but they were each others’ universes, and that was enough.