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Chuuya is fine, he has always been fine.
He’s the person that nothing gets to, the person that helps solve your problems, the kinda dude that helps you during a rough time. No one ever consoles Chuuya, because he doesn’t need to be consoled.
It doesn’t matter what he’s been through. It doesn’t affect him that the Sheep depended on him constantly like a guardian when he was still a kid himself. It doesn’t bother him that his family betrayed him, literally stabbed him in the gut and tried to get rid of him. It doesn’t matter that he joined the organisation he hated the most and was the reason the Sheep left him. It doesn’t matter he’s not even human. None of it matters because it never affected Chuuya.
He’s not mentally unstable.
He’s not traumatised.
He’s not depressed with dark, emotionless eyes.
He’s not Dazai.
SLAM!
A man in a black suit groans as his back hits the stone cold, concrete wall, spitting out blood. Hard heavy footsteps can be heard coming towards him. It’s almost like the whole force of gravity is behind them as they shake the ground below.
“Now,” the foot is abruptly slammed right next to his head. The concrete wall shakes as it now holds the imprint of the foot in it, “tell us who you’re working for, or you’ll have a fate worse than death when we bring you back to headquarters.”
The man on the ground looks up to be met with the sight of a kid with unruly red hair and a maniacal smirk on his face. As if he enjoys this. This fighting, these threats of physical torture.
“Oof, and I thought I was cruel, Chibi.” A young voice is heard from behind the redheaded kid. “But I guess Chuuya just loves trying to beat me. Even though he’ll never win.”
“Shut the fuck up Dazai!” Chuuya shouts over his shoulder to yell at his partner. “I’m actually trying to do our job, unlike some of us.” He scoffs and turns back to the man he has pinned against the wall.
“I would suggest complying with us,” he whispers to the man with an angry look on his face. “The man behind me is the best torturer in the whole of the Port Mafia, and trust me, he’s not as nice as me. So I suggest answering me, before he’s the one you have to answer to.” Chuuya stares directly into the traitor's eyes, never wavering eye contact as his voice drips with malice as he whispers out the threat.
The man chuckles at the threat like a psycho. Chuuya raises a confused eyebrow at him. “Jeez, you lost your sanity pretty quickly, you didn’t even get to the basement yet.” The man chuckles more like a maniac. “Hahahaha, no way am I telling you anything,” he smirks at the redhead.
All too quickly, Chuuya realises what is happening, but it was too late, because the man had already swallowed the suicide pill hidden in his mouth. “FUCK!” Chuuya shouts as he moves to make him throw the pill back up. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work. The traitor’s body spasms as it dies within seconds. Chuuya moves away from the lifeless body held up by the wall. He places his leg back down calmly and takes a step back. His breathing is heavy and quick as he tries to breathe in and out to calm himself down. Really? This was their only lead on the traitor’s trying to sneak into the port mafia and he just dies on him!
“SON OF A BITCH!”
That concrete wall shakes violently as Chuuya’s fist collides with it and makes yet another crater on its surface.
“Tsk.”
Chuuya turns around from the scene and begins to walk away from the port. “Come on,” he shouts to Dazai from behind him, who just watched the scene play out, “we’re leaving.”
He probably knew about the suicide pill and just neglected to tell Chuuya as always. Piece of shit.
‘Just breathe.’
‘Everything is fine .’
‘FUCK!’
‘Just calm down.’
‘I am fine .’
His brain is foggy. He can feel himself moving but he doesn’t at the same time. Why can he hear screaming? Is that something breaking? What is going on?
“Chuuya, you need to calm down.”
It feels like his mind breaks through the fog and he comes to, to see what it is that is happening.
His apartment is a mess. Bowls, plates and glasses shattered on the kitchen floor. Couch pillows thrown all over the room, their insides spilling out and spread out on the floor. His coffee table broke in half and his TV smashed. It looks like a hurricane came through his apartment. ‘What happened?’
He knows he left the port after that guy died on them. He knows he was walking in the direction of home, and he knows Dazai refused to leave him alone on that walk back to the apartment. But he doesn’t remember this .
Chuuya pushes his hair back, sweat dripping down his face and panting as he motions from hunching over on his knees, to standing up straight. Preparing himself to clean up the mess he so clearly made.
“I’m fine,” he says as he moves to grab the broom from the closet down the hall.
Dazai scoffs loudly behind him, “I think you are the furthest thing from fine, Chibi.” Chuuya walks back into the kitchen and begins sweeping up the broken porcelain and glass, “I’m fine, just letting a bit of tension out.”
“Chuuya, a person that is fine doesn’t completely destroy his apartment after a failed mission” Dazai says, concern disguised in a mocking tone.
“I’m fine,” Chuuya repeats, voice emotionless. ‘ I’m not like Dazai .’ He stares at the floor, refusing to look into the eyes of someone who can see right through him. It’s too much, too intense, too vulnerable.
“I don’t believe you,” Dazai’s voice monotone, “would you believe me if I said I was fine?”
Chuuya doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t need to for Dazai to know his answer. He just continues sweeping. “That’s what I thought”
“I’m nothing like you,” Chuuya deadpans, “I don’t cut myself and seek out death at every chance I get.”
Dazai goes silent, the only noise in the room is the sound of broken glass against tiles.
“I never said you were, but we are more alike than you think. You may not consciously seek out death or to hurt yourself, but you constantly put yourself in those kinds of situations.”
Chuuya doesn’t look up, but he can feel Dazai’s one eye piercing through his soul. He doesn’t feel the normal anger he would pool in his stomach when Dazai spits out outrageous assumptions like that. Instead he feels numb, empty, and bone dead tired. Chuuya doesn’t have the energy for this.
“That seems like you aren’t alright in the head to me. The only difference between you and me is that I don’t deny the fact that I’m fucked up and hide behind the mask of a saviour.” Dazai’s voice is cold and detached.
Chuuya picks up a piece of glass and throws it at Dazai the hardest he can. He misses. “SHUT UP YOU STUPID BANDAGED FREAK!” Chuuya shouts at the man in front of his front door.
“Maybe if you didn’t psychoanalyse people all the time you would actually have some friends and not hate yourself so much! At least I don’t pity myself so much that I starve myself and slice my skin till I’m littered in scars!”
Dazai is emotionless in front of him. The perfect depiction of a haunted doll. He doesn’t give away any emotion, he never does in situations like this. Chuuya can feel his face heat up again, the adrenaline pumps through his veins as he begins patting again.
“FUCK don’t look at me like that!” Chuuya shouts. Dazai really does look like a doll. “Just fucking leave already if you aren’t gonna say anything useful!”
Dazai stands there in silence for a few moments. They both stare at each other. One’s stare full of emotion, the other void of it. Eventually, Dazai turns around to open the door behind him. Before he steps out he says something, because Dazai always has to have the last word. “The truth hurts Nakahara.” Half a broken plate breaks into pieces on the closing door.
‘Ok just calm down’ Chuuya sweeps up the broken plates and glasses into a pan. ‘No one likes it when you’re mad just calm down. You don’t even have a reason to be mad anyway.’ He takes a few full bodied breaths as he puts the broken porcelain in the hard plastic bin. He’s gonna have to make a few runs to the bins behind the apartment building tonight.
There’s so much . It’s overwhelming. He almost doesn’t want to do it. But fuck if he doesn’t he’s gonna have to deal with the knot tightening in his chest and throat. Fuck he’s not ready to deal with that. So dealing with the consequences of his actions will have to do.
‘I’m gonna have to redo the whole apartment again, aren't I?’ He looks at the open floor plan part of his apartment.
Everything is broken.
The kitchen, the lounge room, the dining room, the hallway.
Chuuya doesn’t think a single item or piece of furniture was spared in those rooms. Fuck why didn’t Dazai stop him? Did he really just watch Chuuya completely destroy his apartment? ‘Fucking hell Dazai. He was probably entertained by the whole thing.’
Chuuya aggressively chucks more chunks of his broken kitchenware in the bin. ‘What the hell was that psycho on about anyway? We are nothing alike. We are the complete opposite. I’m nothing like that mackerel. He’s absolutely fucked up and insane. I’m not. I’m completely fine.’
That’s what he continues to say in his head as he takes the first load out to the bins. ‘I’m fine.’ Why wouldn’t he be fine? Sure terrible shit has happened to him but that hasn’t ever really affected him before. He just kinda pushes through it. He refuses to think about it too long because there is always something else to be doing. And it’s worked so far. This was just a one time thing.
It wasn’t just a one time thing.
Chuuya started snapping at least once a week. Cargo got stolen? Hole in the wall, files everywhere, his desk flipped over. Mission didn’t go the way that it was supposed to? Corruption was almost activated. Dazai did a small thing to annoy him, even if it wasn’t on purpose? Screaming match. Chuuya was essentially a ticking time bomb of anger and frustration.
Chuuya started feeling way too much all the time and he couldn’t calm himself down. He had absolutely no control over his emotions. It was like when Araharbaki took over. That’s the best way Chuuya could describe it. It was like something had taken over his emotional state and he couldn’t control what he felt or how he expressed it.
It had gotten to the point where Kouyou had pointed it out, along with Mori. Kouyou didn’t press too much, she was worried about him emotionally but he just brushed it off and said he was fine and it was nothing to worry about. Though it was obvious she was worried (and didn’t believe a word he said) but she knew if she pushed any further with him it might make him lash out. She suggested drinking some tea or practising breathing exercises. He wasn’t going to do that. Because he was fine . He didn’t need to do this stuff.
With Mori it was more so;
“So I’ve noticed you have been getting more angry recently. Is that something I should be concerned about?”
“No sir, it's alright.”
“Good I’m glad to hear. Is this going to affect your work and efficiency?”
In other words, ‘Is this going to become a problem for me?’
“No sir.”
“Good,” he smiled, but it was obviously fake, “then I suggest some breathing exercises to help you calm down. If it becomes more of an issue you can come back to me and I can see if I can prescribe you some medication.”
Chuuya left that meeting feeling more irritated. Because he is fine. He doesn’t need medication . Mori gives Dazai medication, and Chuuya is not Dazai.
Chuuya is sitting in his newly furnished apartment, just staring up at the ceiling, laying down on his new leather couch and fiddling with a bouncy ball Dazai had given him when he had won it at the arcade because, and he quotes, “I’m not really a ball type of guy.” He’s throwing it and catching it in the air when a knock comes from his door.
Weird, he isn’t expecting anyone, and it’s like 7pm and he’s off the night shift tonight so it’s not like he’s late for work. And he knows it’s not Dazai because the bastard never knocks. Mother fucker just breaks in with no warning.
He gets up from the couch to look through the peephole of the door. “What the-“ Chuuya opens up the door to reveal Dazai standing on the other side of the door, in all his bandaged glory. “What the fuck are you doing here?!”
“Good evening to you too Chuuya” Dazai smiles at him innocently. Chuuya is both mad and surprised. First of all, what the fuck is this guy doing here? And second, why the fuck did he knock?
He looks the bandaged boy up and down to make sure there’s no fatal wounds on his body that forced him to come here with no other options. But all he sees is a plastic bag in his right hand.
Dazai seems to notice Chuuya looking at the bag and pulls out the item to show Chuuya what it is.
Tea.
Chuuya feels his blood begin to boil. Because he is fine he doesn’t need stupid tea to calm him down.
“Before you get mad at me,” Dazai starts a bit too quickly, says it a bit too fast. “Kouyou gave me some tea for my birthday a few months back and I’ve never had it because I’m not a big fan of tea. Then I remembered you liked tea so I thought we could have it together.” Dazai smiles at him in the last sentence.
Chuuya raises his eyebrow at him. “Why did you bring it around now then? And since when do you wanna willingly hang out with me?”
“I found it buried in the back of my kitchen cupboards and had forgotten about it till I found them just now.” Dazai explains nonchalantly. “And do I really need a reason to hang out with my partner?” He smiles down at the short ginger.
“Yes.”
Dazai blinks in surprise for a millisecond before he scolds his facial expressions to pouting. “But Chuuuuuuuyyyyyyyaaaaaa- ” Dazai whines, stomping his feet like a three year old child. “ Pleeeease, I’m so bored!” Dazai has always been so childish when he doesn’t get something he wants. Sometimes it’s entertaining, and sometimes it makes Chuuya want to bash the idiot's head into the wall. Today is the latter.
“Please just let me come in! I’ll even let you beat me in one of your video games! Just please sedate my boredom!”
“Kouyou sent you didn’t she?”
Dazai scoffs, not a single slip in his act. “No Chuuya haven’t you been listening? I’m here because I’m about to die of boredom, not because Kouyou sent me! Honestly Chuuya, I thought dogs were supposed to have better listening ears.”
Chuuya sighs heavily, his head sagging down as he calms down to control his anger. Because he can calm down. He has control over his emotions, his anger. Chuuya lifts his head back up and tousles his hair back. “Kouyou told me I should try drinking tea to help me feel better the other day.” Chuuya starts off with, his tone was reminiscent of how one would deliver the answer to what happened in a criminal case. “Suddenly today you show up at my apartment. With a knock might I add. Which is something you have never done in the entire time we have known each other.”
Dazai’s face gives no indication of emotion or expression. “You show me that you have brought tea with you. You have never once brought food to my apartment, always opting just to steal mine. You quickly explain your already planned out reason for being here before I get mad at you and when being casual didn’t get you into my place, you immediately started to use a different strategy to get in. Annoy me to the point I have no choice but to let you in. Kouyou clearly sent you. The tea was enough of an indicator.”
They both just look at each other for a long time. Chuuya stares into dark emotionless eyes. Dazai really has perfected the ‘showing no emotions' face. Chuuya’s eyes reflect that of icy cold anger. Hot, fiery anger hidden underneath a false layer of calm.
“So you gonna say something or are you just gonna stand there all night like a haunted doll?”
Dazai sighs, head turning down to the floor, exhaustion evitable in his voice, “What’s the point of arguing if Chibi is already correct?” He looks Chuuya back in the eye as his head moves up. His expression suggested a hint of annoyance as well as apathy. “So are you gonna let me in or what?” His tone is cold and rude.
Chuuya smiles at him. A tight lipped smile that clearly presents all of his anger, pettiness, and hot rage. It’s evil. It’s sickly. It’s maniacal. “Goodbye Osamu.” A slam and all there is in front of Chuuya now is a wooden door instead of a shell of a human being, here on the commands of pity of another.
Chuuya walks from the door and back to the leather couch, which he can see the door from if he turns around. He goes on his phone and begins scrolling Twitter as a momentary thing to do. He suspects Dazai will only be a few minutes. “And 3… 2… 1…” Chuuya hears a click from his front door. Soon after he hears the door open and footsteps stomping their way through his apartment.
Dazai releases a long sigh, officially announcing his entrance. “Chuuya should learn how to treat his guests more kindly.”
“ You ,” Chuuya emphasises, turning around to point at the intruder from the couch, “are not a guest. You are a rodent, a leach if you will, that keeps coming back no matter how many times I throw you out and uses and eats all my stuff. You are the thing I should be the least welcoming too.”
Dazai scoffs, Chuuya can hear the smile in his voice, “Are you calling me a rat?”
“No, people can find rats cute. You’re more like a cockroach. No one likes cockroaches.”
Dazai muffles a laugh, “Well this cockroach is going to make you tea.” Dazai announces as he starts to move towards his kitchen.
“I won’t drink it.” Chuuya announces causally, “I don’t want Kouyou’s sympathy tea, and I don’t want your fake ass delivering or making it.”
Dazai sighs as Chuuya hears him turn on the kettle, “Has it ever occurred to you I want to be here?” This time, Chuuya laughs. “No,” scoff , “why would it? It’s not like you show any concern for my wellbeing at any given point. You have thrown me into enough dangerous situations to showcase that.”
“That’s not true.” Dazai says so easily, his voice goes a little more high pitched as he gets more casual. “I only throw Chuuya into situations I know he can handle. I wouldn’t do it if I thought you would die from it. Why would I?”
Chuuya scoffs, “Because you hate me and I hate you.”
“Ahhh yes, but who would I annoy when I’m bored if not Chibi?” Dazai whines. “Killing you wouldn’t benefit me at all.”
He has a point. Chuuya still doesn’t like him though.
“Pff whatever dickhead. Just make the tea Kouyou is making you give me and get out.”
Chuuya hears Dazai open up one of his cupboards, “I thought we just established Kouyou isn’t making me do this.”
Chuuya rolls his eyes dramatically and laughs disbelievingly. Something inside his chest tightens. “Please, the only thing we established is that I’m more useful and entertaining to you alive than dead.” Chuuya feels a pressure behind his eyes as he speaks. Why did that hurt so much to say? Dazai places two mugs on the counter with a soft cling .
“True, but we also established that I was here because I wanted to be.” Dazai is saying this so easily, so softly, so casually. It makes Chuuya sick and that thing in his throat tightens even more. A lump is now present in his throat.
Chuuya laughs louder, but it’s filled with malice, disbelief, and annoyance. “Dazai just drop the act. You’re here because Kouyou made you, you don’t actually care about me. You’re just lying so Kouyou won’t yell at you, you piece of shit.” Chuuya’s voice raises in annoyance at every word that leaves his lips.
“Kouyou may have prompted me to come here, I won’t deny that, but I came here of my own volition. If I didn’t want to, I wouldn't of.” Causal. Why is he so calm about this? Why is he acting like this is nothing?
“Oh would you SHUT UP ALREADY!” Chuuya screams, leaping off the couch and turning around to Dazai, who is currently pouring tea into two cups.
“STOP LYING! STOP BEING SO CALM! AND STOP PRETENDING LIKE YOU FUCKING CARE!” Chuuya is livid. He feels the anger flow through his veins. Feels the rage in his throat and the back of his eyes. He feels the need to punch and throw something in the muscles of his arms.
Dazai looks at him, with those big, brown, doe eyes. He shows no expression on his face but his eyes look so vulnerable. “I’m not lying Chuuya.”
“SHUT UP YES YOU ARE!” Chuuya screams back at the quiet boy. He is no longer filling up the mugs. They sit there on his marble counter, full, with steam rising above them.
“YOU HAVE NEVER SHOWN YOU CARE ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN KILLING YOURSELF! THERE IS NO WAY YOU CARE ABOUT ME! WHICH BY THE WAY, NO ONE SHOULD BECAUSE I. AM. FINE!” Chuuya’s chest rises and falls as he pants and stares back into Dazai’s amber brown eyes. They stare back into his dark blue ones. Emotions clearly swirling behind the many walls in front of them.
“Chuuya,” Dazai says carefully, softly, like Chuuya will break if he doesn’t. “You are not okay. That much is clear from how you’ve been acting lately.”
“YES I AM!” He shouts desperately. “I AM FINE! I AM FINE! I AM FINE!” His voice breaks a little in the last sentence.
Dazai doesn’t respond. The room is silent beside Chuuya's erratic breathing. “Get out.” It wasn’t a suggestion. Chuuya’s voice was flat, stern. It was a command.
“Hmm,” Dazai hums, turning back to the counter to grab one of the cups. “I will leave once you’ve had some tea.”
“Jesus Christ. Can’t you just LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE IN YOUR PATHETIC LIFE!” His voice is dripping with desperation that is hidden by his anger. Jeez, why can’t Dazai just listen to him?
“I am listening to you Chibi,” Dazai smiles. His voice is so light, so calm. How? “After you have had your tea.”
“I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY TEA!” Chuuya screams. “I don’t need pity! I AM FINE! So take yours, and Kouyou’s pity tea OUT OF MY APARTMENT!”
Dazai merely stares at him with a steaming tea cup in hand. He doesn’t say anything, he just stares at Chuuya again. After a silent moment, Dazai starts to walk around the counter to where Chuuya is still standing by the couch. The only sound in the entire apartment is Dazai’s footsteps on the tiles. He stands parallel to Chuuya. Calm brown staring into the angry, storming waves of blue.
“I know you’re not ok Chuuya,” Chuuya feels his breath hitch, “Kouyou knows you’re not ok.”
“Shut up.”
“Mori knows you’re not ok.”
“Shut up.” Stop.
“Everyone that is around you knows you’re not ok.”
“I SAID SHUT UP!” Please stop!
“You’re angrier than usual, you snap more easily, and you are getting more destructive. You aren’t even thinking straight. You are so caught up in convincing everyone that you’re ok that you fail to realise that neither me, nor Kouyou do pity.”
Dazai never once stutters. His gaze never falls. It feels like Dazai is staring right into his soul. Chuuya doesn’t like it. It makes him more vulnerable. Just stop.
Chuuya doesn’t respond. He averts his gaze to the floor. It’s safer than looking into the all knowing eyes of Dazai Osamu. “Chuuya,” he flinches in his spot, “look at me.”
Dazai’s voice is commanding. There is no room to question. And unlike Dazai when he ignored Chuuya when he used this tone, he listens. Chuuya doesn’t know why, he just feels a force making him. He looks back into Dazai’s hard, but somehow soft gaze.
“You are not fine . You are the furthest thing from it. You are a walking ball of trauma, anxiety, and depression that is only now over spilling and becoming too much for you. This is not pity tea. It’s empathy tea.” Dazai bends down and places the tea cup on the coffee table next to them. Chuuya feels his eyes glistening and they start to sting.
Dazai stands back up to look back at Chuuya, who is looking at him with red and shiny eyes. “When you are ready to accept help, you can talk to me or Kouyou. Do not talk to Mori.”
And then he left. He turned around, walked to the door, and left. No snide comment, no goodbye, no joke. He just left.
Chuuya let out a shaky breath. His shoulders shake as he hears his voice make a strange hiccup noise. His eyes sting as he feels something wet rolling down his cheeks. Chuuya feels the lump in the back of his throat again, making it hard to let out the noises his body was involuntarily making him make. His chest is so heavy he starts to pant as his head starts to throb.
Chuuya sat back down on the couch, knees to chest in the fetal position. His palms pressed against his eyes as tears started spilling out. He was screaming, he was sobbing, he was whining, anything to let the pain stop. But it kept coming, wave after wave of realisations, more and more tears, it felt like it was never gonna end and he didn’t know how to fix it. It felt as if everything bad that had ever happened to him has only now just caught up to him and now he’s feeling it all in one go.
“I am not fine,” Chuuya sobbed with a shaky breath.