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Hyunjin hovers over the toilet, staring at the bloody mass at the bottom of the bowl. There's still blood running down his legs, curving around his ankles and pooling on their bathroom floor. He needs to clean himself off. He might need a doctor. But all of that seems secondary to the buzzing in his ears. To the cold feelings settling over him. To the mangled and half-formed mass he'd pushed out three minutes ago.
The room smells like blood and urine.
He hasn’t flushed the toilet.
Somehow, that thought is what jolts him into action. He closes his eyes, the first time he's looked away from the toilet since realizing what was happening, he forces himself to straighten up. He realizes then that he's shaking, his heart beating a mile a minute. He needs to get out of this bathroom. Hyunjin grabs a random washcloth and wipes the blood off his legs so he can pull his pants and underwear back up. He's still bleeding-he'll ruin his pants, he knows, but he can't think far enough ahead to consider getting a pad. He just needs to get out, he needs to ask someone else if they're seeing what he's seeing. Maybe he's making it up. Maybe he's being dramatic again. Wouldn't that be nice? He's just freaking out over his period. It's just a blood clot, it's not-it can't be-
Hyunjin walks out of the bathroom, light still on, floor still bloodied, and shuffles into the living room. The house is alive with activity, as always. Minho and Jisung are in the kitchen, talking in hushed voices while Minho investigates the fridge. Felix and Seungmin are on the couch, watching some drama, a tangle of limbs as they share a bowl of snacks, commentating on the events unfolding. It's so domestic, so normal, and Hyunjin feels so alien. He thinks he should turn around and leave, go anywhere that isn't here. He can't tell them what's happened- what’s happening? What he thinks happened?
Felix notices him after a while and shoots him a bright smile.
"Hey, Jin," he says. "Wanna watch Secretary Kim with us?"
He could just say no. That wouldn't be abnormal. But it's like Hyunjin can't remember how the word is supposed to sound, or if it's something he would say to begin with. The white noise in his head is getting louder.
"Hyunjin?"
He blinks, eyes refocusing. Felix is concerned now, and his concern caught Seungmin's attention as well. Their combined gazes make Hyunjin's stomach turn.
"Is everything alright?" Felix prods, voice gentle.
Hyunjin opens his mouth, then closes it. The thing in the toilet is still burned into his retinas, stealing his speech.
Felix uncurls himself from Seungmin and stands up. "Hyun, if something's wrong, you can tell us." He steps forward. Instinctively, Hyunjin steps back and immediately regrets it as Felix's eyes widen. Hyunjin has never rejected Felix, not ever. But right now, he feels so dirty. Diseased. He feels like it's him lying mangled in a pool of piss.
"Hyunjin, what's going on?"
He hadn't realized the two in the kitchen were now paying attention. His eyes dart over, and they're both looking at him as well, expressions pinched similarly to Seungmin and Felix's. He thinks about bolting, about actually just running out the door with no shoes or keys or phone, but when he shifts, his pelvis throbs, and he feels more blood leak out, pooling uncomfortably in his underwear, and it's like something in him cracks, splinters.
"Can one of you go check the toilet?" he says finally. "Don't flush it. Just...look."
"Look for what?" Felix asks.
"Did you take a massive dump or something?" Jisung drawls, trying for levity but falling flat in the face of Hyunjin's near hysteria.
Hyunjin's throat is so tight he's barely getting any air. He doesn't want to say it, is trying to find words that won't force him to but he can't find them, hates that he can't find them.
"I...I think I was pregnant. I need someone to go check."
Jisung takes a minute to process things sometimes, so it’s as if in slow motion that Hyunjin sees his brows furrow, sees more than hears him say the word "Was?", sees a second after that as his eyes widen to match everyone else's.
Seungmin gets off the couch and beelines for the bathroom. Felix reaches out, but hesitates, unbalanced from Hyunjin's earlier rejection. Hyunjin hates himself more each second.
"Have you been sick lately?" Minho's voice is stern and strong, demanding answers. In a way it's grounding; Hyunjin can answer questions if Minho forces him to.
"My stomach has been hurting, but I thought I was just eating poorly. When I started cramping yesterday, I didn't think- I don't keep track of my cycle-"
Jisung is still staring wide-eyed at Hyunjin, like they're in some kind of horror movie. That's true enough to how Hyunjin feels, anyway. All his thoughts are beginning to loop, sending him spiraling into something manic, something feral and desperate.
Minho looks at Felix, the one who's the best at tracking all their ruts and heats. "When was his last heat?"
Felix seems to already be counting back, eyes tracing an invisible calendar in the air as he deliberates.
"Twelve weeks ago," he says. "He was due next week."
"Twelve weeks is-" Minho starts, but cuts himself off. He doesn't have to say it. It's not just four or five. He can't pretend that he wasn't ever really pregnant anyway. It's a trimester. It would’ve shown up on an ultrasound.
Seungmin reappears just behind Hyunjin. Hyunjin hears him coming, feet dragging with how he so obviously does not want to be delivering the news he's about to deliver. Hyunjin knows before Seungmin even opens his mouth.
"Seungmin?" Minho prompts.
The beta swallows. "I'm not a doctor," he starts, voice slow and heavy. "But I think it's too large to be anything else. And I swore I saw...the shape of it..."
Hyunjin can't hear any more. The first sob bubbles up unprompted, then another, and he slaps his hand over his mouth to try to muffle them but his chest caves inward and then he's collapsing to the ground. Seungmin and Felix both catch him and lower him safely to the carpet, but Hyunjin isn't even in his own head anymore. There's voices around him, people moving past him, around him, Hyunjin can't think, can't process any of it.
Too large to be anything else. Not a blood clot. Not a cyst breaking. A fetus. A baby.
Hyunjin's twelve week old baby.
He going to throw up. He's sure of it.
"Hyunjin, sweetheart, you need to breathe. Hey, can you focus on me? Can you look at me, baby?"
Hyunjin's vision is blurred with tears and foggy besides, but he looks up and sees Felix in front of him, face inches from Hyunjin's.
"There you go. Good. You're so good for us, Hyunjin. You're doing so well."
"'M not," he gasps out. "'M not good. My- I killed-"
"You didn't kill anything." Felix's voice is stern, harsh as steel. "You didn't do anything wrong."
But he must've. Or his baby would still be alive. Or he'd be pregnant. What kind of mother is he? What kind of omega can't even carry to term, the only thing they're destined to be good for? He feels faint. He feels like he's going to collapse in on himself like a bag of guts. He's sitting in a pool of his own blood, surely. He feels dirty and he wants to be clean. He wants to-
"Go flush it," he commands.
Felix seems taken aback. "Hyunjin, are you sure-"
"I need to take a shower and I can't if it's still in there. Flush it. Please."
Felix obviously seems lost. He looks at someone past Hyunjin, and must get some kind of sign, because he ends up backing down.
"Okay, Hyunjin. Seungmin is going to go flush it, and then we can go clean you up. Are you still cramping?"
Hyunjin hadn't thought about the pain after seeing the embryo. Sure enough, it's still a constant throbbing in his pelvis, still his guts twisting in knots, although maybe that's the anxiety more than the miscarriage.
He nods, still hiccupping.
"Okay. We can get you some pain medicine, and some water. And then we can go curl up in the nest. Jisung is calling the others home right now, so everyone will be together."
A new form of anxiety alights in Hyunjin's stomach, and the panic he'd just gotten under control springs up anew.
"They'll be mad," he says, breath quickening. "Chan will be angry, he'll be disappointed."
"If he gets mad at you, I'll maul him," Felix says darkly. "But he won't. He knows this isn't your fault. He'll just want to take care of you."
Hyunjin curls in on himself more, shaking his head emphatically. "They'll hate me. They'll say I'm useless."
"Hyunjin." Felix's voice is so heartbroken. "You're not useless. You're perfect. Chan will tell you so when he comes."
Hyunjin still doesn't believe it, can't believe it, can't process the words when his head is spinning so much. He lets out a high whine, waterworks starting again, and Felix makes a distressed sound in turn and pulls Hyunjin into his arms, hiding him away from the sound of the toilet flushing two doors down, taking a piece of Hyunjin along with it.
Later, Hyunjin is lying in their nest, sandwiched between Felix and Minho. Jisung and Seungmin are lying past Felix, having a hushed conversation and tapping on their phones. Hyunjin's face is pressed against Minho's neck, his whole body curled up tight so that his packmates and the blankets around him almost hide him from view. He doesn't want to be seen. He doesn't want to exist. Minho tried to take him to a doctor but Hyunjin began to hyperventilate at the thought of leaving the apartment, and the topic was dropped. They've been lying here ever since, Hyunjin drifting in this weird semi-conscious state where he's both inside and outside of his own body, when he hears the front door open.
Jeongin comes in first, Hyunjin knows by his footsteps. He sheds his outer layers in the hall and crawls onto the pack bed, curling up around where Hyunjin's head would be.
"I'm so sorry, hyung," he whispers. Hyunjin can't answer. He hasn't figured out what he wants to say to that.
Changbin and Chan aren't far behind. They stopped to take off their shoes and coats at the door, but both still stop at the threshold. It's not as if there isn't enough room for them-the bed can easily fit ten people. It's more that they don't know if they're welcome. Hyunjin doesn't even know if they're welcome. He's still waiting for someone to grab him by the hair and scream at him for murdering their pup. Their baby. Hyunjin's baby.
"Hyunjinnie?" Chan's voice is so, so quiet. So unbelievably soft. "I'm here now. Alpha's back."
Hyunjin can't help but bury himself deeper in the blankets.
Two sets of footsteps break apart. Changbin goes around the opposite side to climb up where Seungmin and Jisung are sitting, who absorb him into their conversation. They're probably talking about him, but Hyunjin doesn't care. At least if they explain everything then Hyunjin won't have to do it himself. It was just hours ago but he already feels like he doesn't remember. Like it was part of a nightmare he's on the verge of waking up from. He'll blink and be back in the bathroom and the water won't be red this time. But he keeps blinking and all he sees are their sheets.
Chan walks forward, and Hyunjin hears his knees hit the floor as he lowers himself to Hyunjin's level.
"My Hyunjinnie, can you look at me please?"
Hyunjin shakes his head in Minho's neck, clinging tighter to the elder. Minho's arms tighten in turn, and Hyunjin's breath hitches.
"Okay. That's okay." His tone is still calm, but not placating like you would a child or wild animal although it's true enough that Hyunjin feels like both. He just sounds caring, and a bit sad. Hyunjin made his alpha sad. That's not what he's supposed to do as an omega. He's not supposed to disappoint people he loves, much less his alpha, who's never made him feel anything but good. It's just more salt in the wound.
"I understand if you don't want to see me right now," Chan continues. "It’s completely okay. But I want to let you know I'm not angry at you. I'm not mad or disappointed. You didn't do anything wrong, okay? I don't blame you for anything and I don't want you to blame yourself."
Hyunjin doesn't respond, crying silently in Minho's arms. Minho brings a hand up to run through Hyunjin's hair, still wet from his shower, fingers brushing gently over the scruff of his neck, an attempt to ground him that's only working about as well as everything else.
"He's just overwhelmed, hyung," Felix says quietly. "It's not that he doesn't want you here."
"No, I know," Chan responds, volume equally low. "And I get it. I can go stay in my own room for the night."
Like something demon possessed, Hyunjin's hand shoots out and latches on to the first part of Chan it can reach. Felix flinches in surprise, and Chan sucks in a breath. The conversation on the opposite side of the bed has all but died.
"Don't leave," Hyunjin says, begs, more like. "You can't leave me."
"Never," Chan swears. "I'm never leaving you. Not as long as you want me here."
Hyunjin very slowly uncurls himself from Minho and raises his head to look at Chan. His own eyes are red-tinged, as if he'd cried on the way over. His hand in Hyunjin's is slippery with sweat. But his gaze is determined, and loving, and focused solely on Hyunjin, like he's the only one in the room, the only one in the whole world.
"Whatever you need, I'll give it to you," he promises. It breaks Hyunjin all over again.
"I need you," he whimpers. "I need you to tell me I didn't ruin everything."
"You didn't," Chan assures him. He's moving already, as if he doesn't realize he's doing it, but Hyunjin doesn't lean away. Minho gracefully slides out of the way to make room for Chan to climb onto the bed, simultaneously pushing Hyunjin into the middle, where he's in contact with every member of the pack. Chan wraps around him like Minho did, and Hyunjin just lets him, too tired to protest to being moved any which way.
"You didn't ruin anything. This wasn't in anyone's control, okay? It doesn't make you a bad omega. You're a perfect omega, Hyunjin. You've always been good for me. You're everything this pack needs."
Hyunjin's still crying. He doesn't know what would make him stop. "I don't believe you."
"Then I'll keep telling you," Chan says. "Over and over, so you know it's true. As long as it takes."
Hands come out to touch Hyunjin, running through his hair, tracing down his arms or the backs of his calves, warmth and pack and love surrounding him, even as it's muddled by Hyunjin's cloud of despair. He thinks Chan might have to tell him every day for the rest of their natural lives before Hyunjin will ever believe he deserves any of this.
Chan will do it, though. And right now that's the thing that matters the most.