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It’s okay if Taemin doesn’t remember.
Jonghyun has told himself this so many times it would be okay if he never told himself again, ever. Lying awake listening to Taemin’s breathing, deep and even and soft against Jonghyun’s cheek. Leaving him to nestle into Jonghyun’s warmth while Jonghyun dragged himself to the kitchen. Not setting the table, not heating up the stew that’s stretched into week two in the fridge, not grilling the fish he told Taemin he’d just freeze, or scraping rice into a fluffy mountain for Taemin to dive into. Waiting for the water of the shower to turn off. Taking in the smell of Taemin’s shampoo and the sparkle in his eyes and the cheeks Taemin says are too fat when he smiles. Even during his good morning kiss, closed eyes, plush lips, no tongue, it’s fine.
It's okay if you don’t, Taeminnie. Hyung is okay.
Taemin lifts away while Jonghyun’s eyes are still shut. When he opens them, it’s to find Taemin’s narrowing.
“Happy birthday, hyung.”
Oh.
He’s frowning, too, wisps of his brows crunched down into a glare. Last night he told Jonghyun, I’m scared that if I forget to take my makeup off at work, you’ll report a home invasion when I get back. And then, while Jonghyun was trying to find a way to tell him he knows his face by heart and touch and there isn’t another one like it in the entire earth, he added, I’m kidding, hyung. Really…
“You thought I’d forget, right?”
“No.”
Jonghyun is kidding too. Really not. He’s lying through his teeth. He’s a joke, he’s. Taemin knows his face too. He knows just the way it looks when he wishes he could sink straight into him. That’s probably why his hands come up to hold Jonghyun’s face, too. Tiny and strong, squishing his cheeks, which aren’t cute and pinchable unlike someone’s, but if Jonghyun reaches for him too Taemin might not let him pull him in against him.
“I know what it’s like when you first get back,” trips out of Jonghyun. “I just, I didn’t want to make it into a thing. I’d rather forget myself, anyway.”
“It’s not like you’re an ahjussi. Not to me at least, to me you’ll always be hyung. You’re not allowed to say you’re old, because we have to get old together,” Taemin says, like any of that’s the point.
It’s not pointy enough. Jonghyun’s heart is doing weird all these weird things to him, squeezing in on itself like a balloon that’s about to pop, but never ever actually will. Taemin should find a way to hurt his feelings, fast. He hasn’t once in the last year and a half, since the day he came home from base for good and the night Jonghyun got to hold him while he slept again. Like something fragile at first, something he could break, but Taemin never did. He slept through the next night, and the next, got up for work, he ate Jonghyun’s food, gained weight, lost everything else and sent texts to Jonghyun to help him find it, laughed at jokes, hung out with friends, let Jonghyun fuck him on every surface in his apartment, and spoiled him as much as he spoils his cats. And the one single part of him that wasn’t thinking of Jonghyun every second of every day was thinking of this week. His discharge.
“I know you love me, Taeminnie, you don’t have to worry about that. Hyung isn’t dumb,” he gets out. “It’s been a long time since you could love yourself. That’s all I want right now.”
For a moment Taemin takes that in. Then he says, “I wish you’d told me that before I put panties on. They’re kind of weird. I guess I’ll go change~”
The second he turns to head for the bedroom Jonghyun falls on him, pulling him back against him and sending them both stumbling forward, drawing, “I didn’t say I needed your help, hyung,” out of him. His stomach is shaking with laughter and maybe he’s too weak with it to break Jonghyun’s hold, but he’s already telling him, “I’m kidding, we’re shooting today, I don’t know who I’ll have to change in front of. I’ll wear them when I get home. Or whatever you want, something I haven’t done yet.”
Jonghyun’s dick is stirring to life in his pants, pressed up against Taemin’s ass. He ignores it. Kind of. As much as he can. As much as Taemin lets him.
“I wasn’t lying about that, Taeminnie, I just want you,” Jonghyun says into his hair. He breathes deep. Breathes him in. “I know I should let go now. I know you have to go. Do your best today, okay? I know you’re not capable of doing less, it’s just, don’t think of me when you’re supposed to be thinking of something else. I give you permission.” Breathes some more. Breathes and breathes and breathes. Taeminnie. “If you want me to pick you up, just—”
“Do you want to go out to eat? I was going to get you a cake on the way home, I told Euisoo hyung to put it on my schedule so there’s no forgetting. I’d cook for you, but I want you to live to your next birthday.”
Jonghyun holds him tighter. Somehow. “You’re stuck with me for as many as I have, no take backs.”
“I have a real present for you, too,” Taemin says, like his kisses and touches and looks aren’t enough, his voice telling Jonghyun things like I love you, hyung and let’s stay like this forever and you’re so weird, hyung, there’s no one else like you, for me. And so many other things Jonghyun knew but never thought he’d get deep enough for Taemin to say them out loud. Now Taemin just says, “It’s a surprise.”
The sun is rising. That’s not.
In the winter, Taemin would leave for work while the sky was still pink, and Jonghyun wouldn’t get back to him until the stars were winking into view and Taemin was lying in bed pretending he could still sleep without Jonghyun’s arms around him. Now it’s spring. Taemin will work until he blacks out every day, and maybe sometimes Jonghyun will be the one lying awake without him, imagining where he’s going and what he’s doing. Like Taemin won’t be texting him every update non-stop even if Jonghyun didn’t have Euisoo as a backup, like Taemin can keep a secret, like he wouldn’t tell Jonghyun what he bought him in half a second if Jonghyun pushed him up against the counter and sunk his teeth into his neck. He could.
He lets him go.
After one last kiss, just one, deep and slow and slightly desperate. Which gets him, “If I’m back after midnight it still counts. The day doesn’t end until we both wake up tomorrow.”
Jonghyun tries for a smirk, but he could just say it straight: You think it ever will end. “You think I’ll let you sleep.”
“You’re the one who has to, hyung,” Taemin says with another wispy glare. Tonight it will be stronger, with the stylist noona’s work backing him up. For now he ruins it with a smile, bright, dizzying, like Jonghyun is about to fall. Hard. “You think I won’t wear you out. Seems like you’re the one who forgot, you’re thirty-four today. Don’t jerk off when I leave, you have to save it all up for later~”
Really hard. Damn.
The door slams and Jonghyun goes to the window. All the parking is underground and he won’t be able to tell which car is carrying Taemin when it swings onto the street no matter how many times he’s been the one riding in it instead, but the sky is big and clear and open, and it’s covering them both. When Taemin gets a crick in his neck from craning back trying and failing to figure out which window is his, he’ll look up at it too. And maybe Jonghyun can get him to remember that first part of that thought when he suggests fucking him up against the glass, lights on if Taemin is okay with it. If that’s something Taemin wouldn’t already do for him, which it isn’t.
Taemin does everything. All for him.
And all Jonghyun can do, aside from being willing to die for him, which Taemin wouldn’t want, which is why he’s living every second of every day for him instead, is stand here and have these moments where the universe rearranges itself to make it possible for him to love Taemin even more than he already does.
His phone buzzes on the counter. Almost off of it. It doesn't stop when it's safely in his hands.
kiss kkoongdaengi for me
im a bad parent. i was trying so hard not to forget u i forgot them 🫠🫠🫠
tell me i have to save my lips for you or smth make me feel better 😚
that was a joke. i didnt have to try at all. i know when ur birthday is hyung
i remember the important things
should i forget and wear my makeup home. i couldnt get u to say before
u liked it when i got lipstick on ur dick that one time
remember. years ago now. thats how long ive been sucking u off
i can lick u clean after 🥺👉👈
get u hard again
thats my job now
senior care 🫡
Jonghyun takes it all back. Taemin wants him to die.
He has to figure out what to reply and he thinks he’s having a heart attack and his dick is not going to go down for hours and he can’t think what to say back, he needs to say something back. He’s having one of those moments again.
Dick pic or an I love you.
Both.
Fuck. Yes. Okay. It's all the same thing, it all means the same.
He would have been okay if Taemin just hadn’t remembered.