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Darkness has taken over their bedroom ages ago. TK is willing to bet that the clock is well beyond midnight, and they have lied down in their bed for a while now.
It turns out that turning the whole apartment upside down to find a bearded dragon on the loose is exhausting and he was ready to crash as soon as his head hit the pillow, but there he is, still awake and looking at the shadows that dance across their bedroom walls because of the lights coming out of the windows, streetlights and neighboring houses.
Their alarm clock on the nightstand makes a soft clicking sound and TK knows yet another minute has passed, sleeplessly.
The mattress underneath him is comfortable and the duvet is warming him up and the softness of the grey duvet covers against his bare skin is soothing. He is so close to falling asleep, but every time he is pulled away from slumber as Carlos sighs, just barely audible, softly and probably involuntarily, and the mattress moves when he shifts or gently and accidentally nudges him with his elbow.
He is used to sleeping next to Carlos, to the sounds and movements he makes, he gravitates towards him in his sleep, and it has become so familiar that sleeping without him at the firehouse or when he is at work during the night has become difficult. The weight and warmth of his body is soothing, and TK’s mind knows it to be a safe place to fall asleep, the best place really, next to his loved one.
Nothing Carlos does in his sleep doesn’t bother him usually. He might toss a bit if Carlos accidentally disturbs his sleep, but other than that, he always drifts back to sleep. Even if Carlos stays awake in bed, unable to fall asleep or reading something on a tablet.
But this isn’t the normal case of insomnia for him. Carlos is thinking something so hard that TK can practically hear it. His shifting is radiating anxiety, inability to stay still, and his thoughts seem to be so heavy that they torment him, making him sigh and grunt, as if he couldn’t find peace from his own mind.
TK is more than familiar with that feeling.
The worry that it spikes in his heart, to realize that something is weighing on him, making his anxiety to take over his whole body, is enough to keep TK awake with him. Even though Carlos is very pointedly trying not to disturb him.
But it is nearly impossible to fall asleep when one is worried, feeling their loved one’s suffering. It’s too far from relaxing and quieting one’s whole body down.
Besides, he wants Carlos to feel better. Less anxious and less alone, and despite of making it clear that TK could wake him up at any time of the night, always, to talk about anything, he knows for a fact that it would require a tremendous amount of effort and trying from Carlos to actually wake him up if he needed to have a talk.
Even if he needed it.
”You can stop fretting, Lou Too is in his terrarium and the lid is closed,” TK suddenly says, softly, rolling onto his left side, so that he can study the profile of Carlos’ face in the dark. He briefly touches his bare arm, letting his fingers slide across his skin. “I checked it like three times.”
It took them a better part of the hour to find Lou Too and for Carlos’ absolute horror, he had been hanging peacefully at their stove. TK has never seen Carlos deep-clean the entire stove with that much determination and meticulousness, as he googled what bearded dragon’s poop looks like.
TK tried his best not to laugh too much and focused his attention on setting up the terrarium. It’s really beyond sweet that Carlos was ready to buy a lizard for them, for him really, after all of his traumas regarded to Lou the first.
It makes him feel incredibly loved. Even if saw later that Carlos was googling how long bearded dragons live for and TK swears the color got drained out of Carlos’ face when he was staring at the answer on his phone’s screen, and TK stifled down a threateningly bubbling laughter.
Still, it is funny, sweet, thoughtful and touching. Besides, there is something romantic and something that screams commitment about getting a pet together. TK likes that. That they can set up the rules of their own family, make it what they want it to be, and for now, it includes a lizard for the foreseeable future.
Carlos blinks, as if he would be surprised that TK is awake too, but he turns his head to look at him, even if half of his face gets buried in the fluffiness of his pillow. His lopsided dim smile is shining with gratefulness.
“It’s not that.”
TK knew to expect that answer.
He felt it in his gut, he has seen the conversation coming ever since they had the dinner together after capturing the lizard again. But Carlos didn’t bring it up again during their evening and he let it slide. To give them both a chance to breathe and gather their thoughts.
Joking about Lou felt like a better way to open up the conversation in the middle of the night, to remind Carlos that they truly are okay, and that whatever he is thinking about, he isn’t alone, and that he can talk to him.
That he is there.
But Carlos’ lips stay shut and he is clenching his jaw just slightly, and TK knows he has to be the one to ask. To bite the bullet to get Carlos out of his head and his probably spiraling thoughts. To throw him the lifeline.
TK breathes out, softly and reaches to cup Carlos’ face with one hand. He brushes his cheek, just below the cheekbone. “Is it about the whole kids thing?”
It is the most obvious explanation in his mind for Carlos’ restlessness. It is a big conversation and there is rarely anything easy about profound discussions about the future, but in his opinion, it went as well as it could have earlier. They were both honest, loving and respecting, but it is not something that can be swept under the carpet immediately.
Besides, his heart cracked open when he saw the disbelief and franticness shining in Carlos’ eyes when he said he was okay with not having kids. He thinks it is something they have to talk about. Sooner or later.
Carlos only nods slowly, immediately redirecting his gaze back to the ceiling instead of him.
TK doesn’t want to do too many assumptions, but he knows his fiancé and he can see it clear as day that something isn’t only weighing him down, it is dragging him somewhere deep in his mind and TK wants to catch him before he goes somewhere he cannot reach.
He lets his hand drop away from Carlos’ face and he abruptly sits up and reaches to switch on the nightstand light. Their bedroom immediately floods with warm golden glow and casts long shadows on the walls.
TK turns to face Carlos and sits cross-legged on their bed as he pushes the duvets away. His heart swells with love as he studies Carlos with his gaze. His hair is curly and fluffy, completely unruly and there is tiredness in his eyes. The blackness of his tank stop seems to make the shadows underneath his eyes darker.
He loves him so much that he cannot even put it into words.
“Talk to me.”
Carlos looks back at him with the faked languidness. TK can see right through him, his eyes reveal his uncomfortableness and anxiousness, but he is trying to downplay it. Make it into a smaller thing what it really is.
“I thought you told me just to take the yes,” Carlos remarks, softly, followed by something that is most likely supposed to be a laugh.
It doesn’t sound like it at all. It lacks all joy and brightness. He curses himself for choosing that pair of words, even though he was only attempting to make something complicated into something easier and more reassuring. Something loving. To say Carlos that he still chooses him, and it is always a yes for him.
TK merely tilts his head to the side and reaches to run his hand through Carlos’ hair. “If it is keeping you up at night, it is worth talking about.”
He hopes it goes without saying and he is entirely sure that Carlos is just trying to deflect from telling what it about their conversation is that truly bugs him. But TK doesn’t want to let it slide. He wants them to have another conversation, if it makes Carlos feel better and less anxious.
He keeps his gaze on Carlos, in his eyes, not giving him the space to back out of it again. To diminish his own feelings and thoughts just to protect his. It is something he doesn’t want to let stand, especially tonight. Not after all the vulnerability they showed.
For a moment, they just stare at each other in silence. It’s serene and all TK can hear is the quiet hum of their fridge in the kitchen and his own heart seems little heavier too, but eventually Carlos sighs, deeply, but he lifts his left arm, making him space right next to him.
Apparently, it is a conversation that requires physical closeness as well, a different kind of intimacy. TK has no objections. He lies down right next to him, pressing his body against his own and resting his head on his shoulder.
The warmth of Carlos’ body is radiating on him, and he drapes his arm across his chest and keeps brushing the thin fabric of the tank top in what he hopes is a reassuring manner. Carlos seems to practically melt underneath his touch, some of the tension leaving his body.
Some conversations are easier to have when they are close. TK absolutely gets it. Their bodies seem to fit together like puzzle pieces and there is something incredibly loving about the way they touch each other. He hopes it offers some comfort to Carlos, too.
The silence lasts for a moment longer, but there is nothing uncomfortable about it. He knows Carlos is merely gathering his thoughts, and possibly courage, to speak. TK doesn’t want to pressure him anymore than he might have already.
“I—just have a hard time believing you accepted that so easily. I was sure it was gonna be—a bigger thing,” Carlos says eventually, softly, as if the words would just flow out of his mouth as he exhales and his whole body deflates with it.
Something about his little confession breaks TK’s heart all over again. Making it sink in his chest like a stone. It’s the raw anxiousness and relief in Carlos’ voice, the disbelief that things went smoothly, that they did not have a huge argument, but that everything is okay.
As if he couldn’t believe that he is still there, still loving him, still wanting to marry him and spend the rest of their lives together. As if he is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. TK thinks his gut feeling of needing to talk about it was right.
He isn’t having none of it. He doesn’t want Carlos to feel even for a fleeting moment unwanted or merely tolerated. He wants him to feel loved and appreciated and like he is the only thing that matters, regardless of his choices about the future.
TK has done his mistakes in the past, leaving Carlos was one of the biggest of them. He doesn’t ever want to repeat his mistake. His place is right there, by his side, no matter what happens. It is where he is at his happiest.
He stays silent for a moment, letting Carlos’ words to sink in and think about what he wants to say and choose his words carefully. To offer comfort and reassurance to him, as he has given him so many times before.
TK runs his finger along the delicate golden chain of Carlos’ cross necklace. “Did you really think I would be mad at you for not wanting kids?”
“No, but for not telling you,” Carlos replies almost immediately, but he inhales sharply, as he fidgets with the collar of TK’s dark blue t-shirt, letting his fingers graze his neck, “for letting you down. For not living up to your expectations.”
Carlos’ voice fades away as he speaks, becoming more and more quiet, and being only barely a whisper in the end. As if he hates the fact that he has to admit that. That he has majorly disappointed him by wanting a different thing.
The realization hits TK like a ton of bricks, all at once. It is about so much more than them and their decision about kids. It’s Carlos trauma about thinking that he is something else that people would want from him. The strained relationship he had with his parents after coming out. Marrying Iris because he thought it was the right thing to do. Hiding a part of himself to be more worthy of love from his family.
The incredible heavy pressure of being perfect.
It’s about his fears of not being good enough. Of his fear thinking that what he truly wants makes him harder to love. Unlovable even. That wanting him in his life requires sacrifice, effort and tolerating. Not just love and acceptance.
And now he fears that his true desires about the future are making him unlovable in his eyes. That he wouldn’t love and accept him just as he is. That he would have to go through the same thing with him as he did with his parents, diminishing a part of himself and his thoughts and feelings, to be some way grateful that his whole life didn’t come crashing down. That he is still wanted and loved.
TK hates everything about that realization. His stomach is in knots and his breath has grown thicker. Merely because of the distress he feels for his fiancé. That he might fear that he wouldn’t love him the same, that he wouldn’t accept him as he is.
He is not going to let that stand.
There are a million things he could say in that moment. To offer comfort and reassurance. Explain how Carlos is a part of him, the missing piece of his heart, and that nothing could ever make him love less and he doesn’t feel disappointed. He might be even more in love than he was before they discussed about having kids. Wax some sort of poetry about his love for him, but in the end, he chooses the simplest version of the truth. Something that he thinks Carlos needs to hear.
He slowly slides himself on top of Carlos, their chest pressing together, his knee digging into Carlos’ thigh, and gently cups his face with both of his hands and holds his gaze. Looking straight into his brown eyes and seeing a whole turmoil of conflicting feelings wallowing there.
“Babe, you haven’t let me down,” TK says, firmly, because he needs Carlos to believe him, “in any way.”
In the serenity and golden glow of their bedroom, they are in their own little bubble. The rest of the world doesn’t matter in the slightest. It’s just them, pressed together, and opening up their hearts to each other.
Carlos stares back at him in disbelief. It is starting to melt in the edges, as if he would be coming to the realization that his fears are not coming true. Nothing has changed between them, not for the worse anyway.
They are still them.
TK knows Carlos believes in his love and that he knows he is loved, but insecurities and old fears are hard to shake off. He briefly wonders how much teasing and pressure about grandkids Carlos has had to endure from his family already.
TK gently pats his left cheek and leans in to kiss the corner of his mouth. “Do you want to know why I’m okay with it?”
It’s clear as day for him after the conversation he had with his dad, but he knows he didn’t elaborate it to Carlos. Maybe he should have. To offer explanations to his pattern-seeking husband-to-be who loves figuring out the why of things, in order to have some control and expectancy of how things are going to be.
Carlos blinks. There is earnestness in his gaze. Curiosity. The need and urgency to understand. To make sense of what has happened. “Yeah.”
“You’re my person,” he says, softly, simply and truthfully, tracing the curve of his lower lip with his thumb, “my heart and the love of my life.”
It could sound cheesy, a bit over the top, but is just the truth. It is nothing he hasn’t already said about Carlos to other people, and Carlos deserves to hear it, too, because it comes down to that. It always does.
He loves him. He is the one great true love of his life and now that he has found it, he doesn’t ever want to give it up. He is far too important for him, and he is worth of every compromise.
“And that is enough?” Carlos blurts out, involuntarily. Some sort of embarrassment flashes quickly in his eyes, but he still looks like he wants to hear the answer to that.
TK’s heart clenches in his chest as he even thinks about it. That Carlos apparently questions whether he alone could be good enough for him, to make him happy, loved and fulfilled, now and in the future.
“Baby,” TK whispers, dragging out the syllables, and gently plays with Carlos’ earlobe, “you’re always enough. Nothing is going to change that.”
Loving him has given TK a whole new sense of clarity and purpose, and he doesn’t want to let that go. Or being loved by him in return. The world doesn’t make sense without him.
Carlos takes a deep breath, but it comes out slightly shuddering and he wraps his arms around TK, loosely. “I don’t want you to end up—resenting me for having to give up something you have wanted.”
There is real grief in his voice and that is a fear TK can understand. He has seen firsthand the way resenting ruined his parents’ marriage. Strained it to the shreds. But he knows deep in his heart that it is not going to happen to them.
He won’t let it to happen. Simple as that. They are going to talk and love each other, and not hold onto stupid grudges and let them poison the love they have for each other.
“I promise it’s not gonna happen,” he says, gently, “I’m not going to guilt-trip you or make ultimatums or pressure you about this. It’s valid—not to be ready and that you might not ever be ready. I get it. I respect that and you mean more to me than a dream of something that might never happen. I know my priorities and you’re on top of that list.”
After having as many near death experiences as he has had in his life, he knows the importance of things. The happiness and love he has right now is far more important and profound than a future of what might be.
It’s really not even a competition between a hypothetical kid and spending rest of his days with the love of his life.
“You sure?” Carlos asks, in a small voice, still making sure that he is comfortable with his decision.
It makes him feel loved, like his feelings are being considered also, and that Carlos wants to offer that gentleness to him, but at the same time, he wants to drill through Carlos’ thick skull that he is worth of all the love in the world and that he is more than good enough and more than he could ever ask for.
“Very sure. Cross my heart type of promise,” he says truthfully, and pointedly makes the cross across Carlos’ chest. Carlos merely stares at him, mesmerized. He pokes Carlos gently in the cheek, “is it that surprising that I care about your happiness?”
“Of course not,” Carlos shoots back, rolling his eyes fondly, but he lets out a long exhale, “it’s —strange to be accepted and not to suffer consequences of wanting something different. That I’m chosen.”
TK offers him a sad and sympathetic smile. It’s sometimes difficult to realize how far Carlos’ trauma about growing up gay in Texas and having his relationship with his parents coming strained after coming out to them goes. He loves Andrea and Gabriel like his own parents, and he is aware that their intentions were not malicious but sometimes he still wants to yell at them and ask if they know what their initial reactions and years of silence about his queerness did to Carlos.
His heart shatters as he thinks about it. He wants to help him heal those old scars. To heal from past hurt.
“You better get used to it, because I’m choosing you every day,” TK remarks, in a happier tone than before, kissing his forehead and flashing him a quick smile, “you make me happy, you and a lizard is more than I could ever ask for.”
If he has to tell that to Carlos every day for him to believe it, he will happily do it.
Carlos actually cracks a smile at his words, but it gets quickly drowned under overwhelming amount of love and fondness as he looks at him, and runs his fingertips all the way up along his spine and eventually buries his fingertips in his hair.
“You make me happy too,” Carlos says, genuinely, as he massages his scalp and looks at him as if he would be a wonder of the world, in a mixture of awe and something else, “and I want you to be happy.”
“I know and I am,” he replies easily and without a missing beat because it is not something he has to think about. “And whether you are ready or not in any day in the future won’t make me love you any less or want to spend the rest of my life with you. It won’t make you any harder to love.”
TK wants to make it crystal clear for Carlos. Eradicate as many fears from his heart as he can. To make his own thoughts heard and known, not just assume that Carlos would know them.
Carlos’ eyes suddenly glimmer brightly, and he has to blink a few times, rapidly. TK only smiles at him, softly and enamored, and brushes his cheek with his thumb. He thinks he can feel Carlos’ heartbeat against his own chest.
There is something intimate about knowing someone else’s heartbeat and literally breathing the same air with them. In a home they share together. TK adores it.
Somewhere outside of their window a car horn blares for a moment, but it quickly fades away and neither of them react to it. It is outside their bubble.
“The fact that I’m not ready has nothing to do with your addiction,” Carlos says, rather suddenly, as he has slid down his hand back to the small of TK’s back, letting his fingertips glide along the fabric of the t-shirt.
The dark blue t-shirt is actually not his own, but Carlos’ old police academy shirt. It’s worn out, soft, and too big for him, but he has completely stolen it for himself for sleeping and hanging around the apartment, and Carlos doesn’t seem to mind at all.
He doesn’t have to say anything about his addiction or recovery, but the fact that he does, means the world to TK. He feels loved and seen and comforted just by that one sentence coming out of his mouth. His heart is bursting.
TK kisses his neck, just below his jawbone. “Okay.”
He believes him completely when he says that.
“I don’t think I’d be able to be a good dad when I still have my own baggage to deal with,” Carlos adds, some sort of floodgate has apparently opened in his head and he wants to get it all out, “and I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of the past.”
TK knows he has been lucky with his relationship with his parents. It might not have always been perfect, but both of them accepted him without any hesitation and they never made him feel like he was alone, not even he fucked up his own life with drugs. He is lucky to have his dad still around, meddling with almost every aspect of his life, just out of love.
But he understands where Carlos is coming from, and that his pain and trauma from years ago still affects the way he sees things and observes the world around him. That he cannot just push those thoughts and fears away.
“I get it,” TK murmurs, now tracing Carlos’ jawline with his thumb.
Just the slightest stubble feels rough against his fingertip.
Carlos looks at him carefully, studying him with his gaze. There is gratitude written across his face, but his half-smile is almost amused. “Isn’t this the part where you insist that I’d make a great dad as well?”
TK snorts softly, but his heart is soaring at the normality of the way they interact. Nothing has changed between them, truly.
“I don’t want to invalidate your feelings,” he says, sliding his hand onto his neck and feeling his strong pulse underneath his hand, “and I don’t have to say it aloud. I wouldn’t want a kid with you if I didn’t think the world of you or that you would be an amazing parent to any child. But it is not my opinion of your parenting skills that matters here.”
He truly believes Carlos would be a great dad and that he would love their kid unconditionally and be there for them and make a fantastic parent, but he doesn’t think saying all of that aloud would do any help. He doesn’t want to pressure him or think that he is trying to tire him out. Make him say yes in the end.
If he is not ready, then he is not. It is simple as that, and he can learn to live with it. Because the alternative of living without Carlos is not a choice at all. Besides, when he proposed to him in the same bed that they are lying in now, he thinks he already promised that he is going to keep choosing him, every day, and nothing makes him happier than to honor that promise.
Carlos looks slightly surprised at that, but there is nothing but gentleness in the way he places his hand in the base of his skull and caresses it.
“I still appreciate it.”
TK smiles softly at him, almost drowning in his own love for him.
“We can still talk about this,” he says, knowing that it is not a conversation that they will be done with any time soon, “whenever you want to, but you don’t have to worry about that your decision would diminish my love for you or the desire to have a life with you. I’m not gonna run off with someone who wants a kid. I’m right where I want to be.”
Carlos nods as well as he can with the pillow underneath his head. He uses his other hand to push away some of TK’s hair out of his forehead. “As long as you know that you can be sad about it. Accepting doesn’t mean it would cancel the—less happy feelings.”
TK thinks the sadness of giving up on something he has wanted will come in time. As the thought solidifies in his mind, but he will not direct that sadness at Carlos. Still, he appreciates more than he can say that Carlos acknowledges it and gives him the space to feel all of his feelings, without hiding, shame or guilt.
His heart is overflowing with love and affection for him, gratitude too, and he doesn’t know what to do with himself, so he kisses him, properly.
Their kiss is a built-up of a lot of emotions, overwhelmingly strong love, affection, fondness and vulnerability, and TK thinks they are just trying to pour out all of their unsaid words and feelings into the kiss, making those clear to each other by the way their lips touch.
Carlos’ lips still faintly taste like red wine and of the spices of the beef wellington. TK doesn’t mind at all. He is more focused on the warm feeling in his chest, the almost painful clench of his heart just because he is so in love and the pulsating want that always wakes up in him, in the pits of his stomach, when they kiss like this, and Carlos’s hands roam over his body.
TK loses the track of time as they kiss, it is so easy to get lost in him and in his touch, and he thinks they need that closeness and intimacy tonight, but he eventually pulls away, mostly just to breathe properly and because he can sense that neither one of them is up for anything more than kissing tonight.
The mattress slightly dips as he rolls back onto his side of the bed.
“Are you okay?” TK asks, gently, stroking his stomach and chest as he settles next to him again.
“Yeah, I will be,” he breathes out, sounding relieved, but he glances at him curiously, “I do have one more question.”
TK gives him the softest of smiles. Carlos almost seems to glow in their dimly lit bedroom, as the light of the lamp hits his skin and hair and now that he seems considerably less anxious and is even smiling right back at him.
“Anything,” he promises.
In the safety of their bed, it is so easy to talk about anything. To reveal anything about themselves and he has no trouble making that promise.
“Was I your comfort nerd?”
The way he asks it, completely out of the blue and deadpan, and the way his grin is starting to grow from the corner of his mouth as it twitches, catches TK completely off-guard and he laughs out of surprise strong enough for him to feel the laughter in his stomach.
TK holds up his index finger and lifts another finger as he speaks and makes his second point. “First of all, I didn’t know you were a nerd when we hooked up in the bathroom of a bar, and second of all, you hit on me. Not the other way around.”
It’s really semantics only, they were all over each other and into each other, and it didn’t really matter who made the first move. He thinks it is merely funny to point it out, tease him about it, after all the heaviness of the conversation they just had. Probably the exact same reason why Carlos is asking it.
This time Carlos laughs. It’s easy and bubbly laughter, little breathless, but beautiful, and all of a sudden, Carlos is on top of him, pressing their bodies together again and pining his hands against the firm mattress.
TK isn’t complaining at all, and it is hard to stop smiling.
“So, you wouldn’t have talked to me first?” Carlos asks, smiling widely, and TK can feel his breath on his face.
“Maybe not on that first night,” he says, amusedly, nodding towards Carlos, “I mean I wasn’t looking for this.”
He thinks he would have eventually approached him. How could he not? He has been drawn to Carlos since the day they met on a call in the rain and that pull would have inevitably made him get close to him. Something in his gut would have told him that he had run into his person, into the one person that makes him feel more like himself and like he belongs somewhere.
“So you have said,” Carlos murmurs, his voice low, and placing kisses on his temples and forehead, gently and lingeringly.
“Maybe best things in life come in your way when you’re not looking for them,” TK admits, closing his eyes and taking in the gentleness of Carlos’ lips on his skin, “something clicked in its place in the world that night when we met.”
TK opens his eyes, and his heart skips a beat in the best way possible when he sees the enamored expression on Carlos’ face. He looks truly happy and soft. TK cannot describe it in any other way. Carlos kisses the corner of his mouth for good matter before rolling back onto his own side of the bed.
“Hmhh, I think so, too,” he says in a voice that is so soft that it is more of a whisper than anything else, and TK’s stomach flips at that.
For a moment, TK lies there, just staring at the ceiling, and marveling at his own happiness, and being in awe of the man next to him. The atmosphere in their small bedroom is lighter and the tension has disappeared somewhere else.
TK feels some sort of regret that he couldn’t describe the lightness, comfortableness and the love and just the privilege of knowing someone so thoroughly, to Marjan, when she was contemplating whether to get back into dating or not. It might be horrible to put oneself out there, but sometimes, one can get incredibly lucky.
TK turns his head to look at Carlos and pokes him in the arm. “Should we train Louis the second as a ring bearer?”
He tries his best to say it deadpan, but he cannot hold the laughter inside of him and he ends up sounding like he is suffocating. The idea of Carlos trying to get the rings from Lou Too is nearly enough to send him in the hysterics.
“Absolutely not,” Carlos says, responding faster than he has ever heard him, sounding mildly horrified, “he is not invited to the wedding.”
TK lets himself laugh freely this time, but he reaches to hold Carlos’ hand. He wraps his own fingers around Carlos’ little clumsily, but gently, and Carlos intertwines their fingers as if it would be as easy as breathing. “I’m gonna mention him in the vows. Both of them.”
Carlos rolls his eyes, just slightly, and fondly, but he still seems little shaken up from the idea of having the lizard in their wedding venue. Still, he squeezes his hand, softly.
“You know that I love you,” he says, looking only at him, as if he was the most important thing in the world, “more than anything?”
Carlos sounds so sincere and as if he has a real need that TK knows his words to be true. It is enough to make TK’s heart to mess up its rhythm and beat uncontrollably in chest, just out of happiness and love.
“I know,” TK says, easily and effortlessly, and drags his finger across Carlos’ palm, “and I feel it, too.”
That feels more important than anything else in the world. To love and to be loved.
***
TK takes it as a personal victory when a month later he gifts Carlos his wedding gift for him, a black mug that says world’s best lizard dad, he laughs so hard that he almost cries, and he knows they will be more than okay.