Work Text:
On ira écouter du Chopin allongée sous le ciel, les étoiles s’aligneront en forme de lune de miel
Seungmin met Hyunjin during a hot summer, the last one Hyunjin did with that summer camp his parents used to send him every year when he was a child. They were barely fourteen and looking back Seungmin wonders if his young self could already understand the life changing meeting that was about to happen.
Seungmin had never been a going outside kind of kid, much to his parents despair. It was very rare that he would leave his hometown for holidays, even during summer time, maybe once or twice he would spend a week or so at his aunt who lived closer to the beach but that was about it and Seungmin had always found it truly relaxing. He was okay with the few friends he had leaving for two months, okay with being by himself in his room, reading or playing under the cold breeze of a fan instead of running outside, sweating under the burning sun. He never really enjoyed the summer anyway, already looking forward to the change of season, the leaves falling down, the streets painting in red golden and maroon shades.
It quickly changed when he met Hyunjin in the hottest day this summer had yet given. The summer was cruel in his small city, a number one destination for tourists only for those two months before the town would die down, almost hibernating. He was sweating, anxious in the crowd, and really cursing his parents for making him come here. It was a small party the summer camp he had never wanted to go to. The mere idea of spending his free time surrounding by other boys and girls, doing physical activities in the wild, was making him sick. Uncomfortable in the outfit his mother had picked for me, he stared at the same aged people around him wondering why he could not fit with any of them. Why he could not enjoy the music and dancing like they did, why it was so easy for everyone to be so friendly even with strangers, while he was just looking, with anguish, at his watch until the clock hand would reach the number his mother promised to pick him up.
“Hey,”a voice says and he jumped in surprise, “I’ve never seen you here before.”
He tuns around until his eyes meet a young boy, surely the same age as he was, with medium dark hair, curious but kind eyes and his plump lips stretched into a shy smile. He is handsome, is one of the thought that cross Seungmin’s mind, suddenly hyper aware of how awkward he looks in his outfit, how if he smiles, the braces on his teeth would be obvious. He’s never cared how he looked before, no one makes fun of him at school, probably because the fact that he can bite back easily or do their homework for them if they were nice saves him from being the full nerd kid, but right now it is all he can think about.
“Well, it’s not like you can know everyone,” he chooses to answer.
The stranger boy snorts, “actually I think I do,” he lets out with pride.
Seungmin raises an eyebrow, “I live here and it is my first time seeing you, so no, you don’t know everyone, you just can’t.”
It is enough for the other boy to let his jaw drop open, “you live here? But I’ve been in this summer camp for like five years and I’ve never saw you once.”
Now Seungmin feels even more awkward.
“I don’t really go out,” he whispers under his breath.
There is a switch in the boy’s eyes that replaces the surprise with something else, something very soft that makes Seungmin even more embarrassed, and he tries his best to look anywhere but into his eyes.
“I see,” he says and Seungmin wonders what exactly does he see. It is not like Seungmin is pitiful or lonely because he does not go out, it is simply his choice, “well you’re here now, and although I leave tomorrow, maybe we can be friends?”
Seungmin opens his mouth to answer something smart but nothing comes up and the surprise of how the boy had simply expressed his thoughts cut him out.
“My name’s Hwang Hyunjin,” he adds, handing out a hand.
It takes a second for Seungmin to register but he shakes it. Like his father would do with people he is not familiar with yet. He feels strange, “Kim Seungmin,” he whispers.
“It’s nice to meet you Seungmin,” Hyunjin tells him with a very ceremonious tone that stands out from his boyish features, it makes Seungmin wants to laugh, “since you’re obviously uncomfortable in here, maybe I can show you somewhere quieter.”
The words in Seungmin’s mind sounds like they are forming a reproach but there is no physical aspect of Hyunjin that shows it is. There is only sincere concern on his face as he thinks for a second.
“Well you live here so you probably know this place already, but let me show it to you, okay? It is not far from here, we can sneak out.”
Once again he goes and tries to grab for Seungmin’s hand but this time with more purpose, more strength although still gentle, until their fingers intertwined, and Seungmin stay still, paralyzed, shivers going down his spines. Then he realizes that Hyunjin is softly pulling him to follow him.
“My mom…” he starts.
“Don’t worry I’ll bring you back on time, Cinderella.”
The nickname makes Seungmin blush, once again it should sound like a mockery but it is not. He hides his blush by following Hyunjin, head low.
Hyunjin brings him to the lake. Seungmin knows the place, but he does not dare to confess that he has never really went. The sun is slowly setting on the horizon and the sunset colors reflect in the surface of the lake, painting the water in yellow, pink and red shades. It is far from quiet, Seungmin wants to remark it, as it is a popular spot in the summer, especially as night falls, and the temperature gets more tolerable, but before he can do so, Hyunjin continues his way and brings him further from the water, climbing a small hill, making Seungmin out of breathe. He then sits down there, they can clearly see the lake from where they are, in the shade of the trees, the hotness is less palpable, and there is no one around them. Hyunjin lays down on the grass, for a moment Seungmin stays still, staring. His heart is beating faster due to the physical activity but he knows there is something else. He wonders at which point Hyunjin would get up and laugh at him, but he does not.
Instead he points at the stars that are shyly coming out as the night deepens, and he talks. He talks about everything and nothing, until Seungmin relaxes and lays down next to him. He tells him about the city he comes from, and how he hates when summer ends, but he is a bit excited to go to high school this year and because he wants to see his best friends again. Seungmin makes a few input here and there, saying that he does not mind school mostly, Hyunjin looks at him like he has a second head.
Hyunjin’s different, Seungmin thinks when they go back to where the little party is. He almost never stops talking but not just because he enjoys the sound of his own voice, more like because he sincerely wants to share any thought in his mind, and is looking forward to the other’s reactions. He did not make really fun of Seungmin, and he stayed there, with him for an entire hour, when most people get bored of him in minutes. He does not really get why, maybe it was just because he wanted to be sure he knew everyone like he had pretended to, and could not bear the idea of someone not being his friends. Probably that.
“Send me off at the train station tomorrow?” Hyunjin asks him, and the grin on his face is so big and his eyes so pleading that Seungmin says yes.
He knows he is late and his mom will be mad at him, but the joy he sees in Hyunjin’s eyes, that he knows is reciprocated in his own, makes it worth it.
The next day, he regrets his promise when he wakes up. He regrets it when he shyly tells his parents he is going and his parents start asking him questions he does not want to answer. He regrets it when the station is full of people and the group he knows Hyunjin is in intimidates him.
He stops regretting when Hyunjin sees him and runs to him, leaving his bags with his friends.
“For a second I really thought you would not show up,” he confesses.
And Seungmin probably should not have, going all out of his way just for someone he met the night before and who is leaving immediately. He feels stupid.
“Here,” Hyunjin gives him a piece of paper, “you can write to me.”
Hyunjin blushes, suddenly looking extremely insecure.
“Well if you want, of course, I just thought we could get to know each other, because you look cool.”
Cool, the word repeats in Seungmin’s mind. He’s never been called that. He blushes too, “I will. I think you’re cool too,” he says awkwardly.
Hyunjin’s face lights up. He wonders how much expression can his features hold in a span of a few seconds, it is endearing how easy to read Hyunjin is, how sincere his whole being is.
“Great,” he starts then his tone changes, “I probably won’t come back next year, this was my last time here.”
“Oh,” is all Seungmin says.
“So write to me! Who knows, right?”
And on this, Hyunjin waves at him, whispers a goodbye and follows his group inside the train. Seungmin stays there, the paper carefully folded in his hand until the train leaves. He tries to process everything, tries to persuade himself that Hyunjin was just an illusion, a fairy, beautiful, sparkling and hopeful, but unreal, a mirage. But the letters thoroughly written on the papers, forming a full complete address, beginning with Hwang Hyunjin, tells him it was more than real.
jte promets l’idylle comme dans un film d’auteur
Seungmin half expects that after the first letter he sends, when October rolls around, because it took him more than a month to have the courage to send the small letter he had written with a shaky hand, that Hyunjin will never answer.
He does. It is short too, but full of excitement, so raw, all his feelings spilled on a few words where Seungmin is always thinking twice of everything coming out of his mouth, or his pen. Hyunjin is so different from him, it feels like he should not be existing in his life yet that he is the perfect person Seungmin could have wished for.
He does not tell Jeongin, his best friend, about the letters because somehow it feels weird, almost wrong, to be exchanging letters with someone as a boy, and even worse that this someone is another boy. His parents know due to the letter they find in their mail box but Seungmin thanks their respect for his privacy, sometimes running alongside a slight disinterest for their own son, as they ask no question. He finds himself being afraid of any of them jumping to conclusion, conclusion that he has not even reached himself, so he hides everything carefully and goes on with his life with Hyunjin as a secret garden.
The letters come often, once a month, sometimes twice, it lasts years. Hyunjin likes high school, Seungmin does not. Hyunjin tells him about parties and even dating, Seungmin can not engage with similar experience. Hyunjin tells him about his present, Seungmin fantasizes about the future and his dreams. They complete each other in a way Seungmin had never thought they could, they grow up differently yet find themselves intertwined, and the letters get more and more personal, longer and longer, with more than just words as Hyunjin dares to send him drawings he made, and Seungmin adds pieces of literature he enjoys, music they both recommend, until he receives that faithful letter that will change the course of his life probably forever.
It is written in tiny letters like Hyunjin had whispered it, and Seungmin still remembers his voice, although he knows it had probably changed now, gone deeper surely, maybe more than his own. The letters are closed to each other, he had rushed writing it, it is the last line of the letter, in a shaky postscript that Seungmin could have missed if he was not very thorough like always.
I kissed a girl the other night, but it didn’t make me feel anything like the others talk about. Is it insane if I think I might be gay?
It makes Seungmin’s blood cold, he stares at the words for so long, because it is like the last sentences was the missing piece of the puzzle that is Hyunjin in his mind. He gets so dizzy with it that he barely sees that written even more shakily, smaller than the rest, without enough place for every word to fit perfectly.
Also, do you think you could come, during the holidays? I really want to see you again. It’s okay if you don’t.
There are tears at the corner of his eyes as he takes the longest breath in, like he has been under water, almost choking on it. He is hit with bliss, anxiety, jealousy even, and the dreadful realization that all those feelings he has nurture toward Hyunjin, that are so different from what he feels for Jeongin, and the fear he had felt every time his parents eyed a letter, the easiness that had come with talking to him about everything even the things he does not dare to confess out loud to himself, might have one simple explanation that Hyunjin had just laid down on the fragile paper of this letter.
Is it possible to fall in love through letters?
And then the last proposition hangs in the air. Will Seungmin be able to see Hyunjin in person? He remembers how pretty Hyunjin was when he was not even fourteen, so what would it be now that he was going to his seventeenth anniversary? While Seungmin had barely changed, his boyish features still strong, he got rid of the braces a year ago, but he still feels like he has not grown into a man at all, nor an attractive boy either, just normal. Also going to Hyunjin’s home meant asking his parents and displaying the relationship to them and how important it was.
Will they see through him? Will they not care at all?
It takes him a few days to come in peace with all these thoughts. He brushes away the idea of having romantic feelings for Hyunjin. It is not like he has a problem with it, he does not feel like knowing Hyunjin might be like something he hates, after all he knows gay people exist and it is okay. But since he has not ever dated anyone, how can he tell the difference between romantic and platonic feelings? It is not because Hyunjin is special that he is in love with him. Then he asks his parents, for a week away, and if they are first worried because they do not know Hyunjin and it will be Seungmin’s first time taking the train by himself. They accept only if they can have Hyunjin’s parents phone number to organize everything and make sure where their son will be going.
That night Seungmin writes his answer carefully. He starts with updates on his life, and answering Hyunjin’s, then he goes to the part of coming over. He hesitates for what seems like hours before adding at the end:
Whether you’re gay or not, it does not matter, you’re still the same to me. It’s okay to figure it out.
He is satisfied enough with it.
je te retrouverai si un jour tu te perds, je marcherai avec toi si t’es dans le désert
The train ride is insanely long.
They had agreed on meeting during the spring vacation. A little more than a week. He has packed everything he needed, books, notebooks to write like he likes to do, and to keep himself busy but he can not focus on anything, too excited to reach the destination but also to anxious. Every second is torture and all he is torn between wanting to go back and wanting to reach it faster.
And when the train stops he is paralyzed, he lets everyone else go out before he does, his legs shaking. Maybe it was wrong, maybe they only get along on letters but in person Hyunjin will realize that Seungmin is barely half the person that Hyunjin is or find him boring…
But when he gets out of the train car. There is a rush of blonde hair in front of him, and his eyes meets the soft eyes that had not changed a bit, nor did the biggest grin he has ever seen in his life.
“You didn’t change a bit!” Hyunjin tells him.
Seungmin just smile shyly. Hyunjin did. He got taller, his hair longer, and he dyed it, blonde suits him, he thinks, it makes him shine even more. His voice changed, like Seungmin had thought, he also got more stylish, and Seungmin feels dizzy because Hyunjin is handsome, with his long legs and delicate features. He is even sure he is wearing some light make up.
“You dyed your hair,” he just answers.
Hyunjin pouts, “is that all that changed?”
“No, but it is what surprises me the most, my parents won’t even allow my hair to grow longer than the limit they have decided.”
Hyunjin laughs, loud and clear, like Seungmin is the funniest person on Earth, then he does something Seungmin did not expect and pulls him into a hug. When he lets go, he helps by grabbing one of Seungmin’s bag, leaving him almost completely stone.
“I’ve missed you! I’m glad you’re here.”
Seungmin wants to rationalize it, want to say it is impossible to have miss him considering the small time they actually spent together in person, wants to calm Hyunjin’s overwhelming and strong feelings that he spills out as easily as he did on paper, not because he wants to shrink him or shame him, but because Hyunjin should not be able to shake him up entirely like that. Should not be able to make his heart beat like that, and his cheeks turn red, and his mind numb.
“Me too,” he says instead. Because it is also true. And it feels like all those years through letters were the same as being right next to him.
There is a glow in Hyunjin’s eyes.
“My parents are waiting for us, let’s go.”
The week goes by so easily. Seungmin meets some of Hyunjin’s friends he had talked about in his letters, he gets along with them surprisingly well, none of them seems surprised to meet him, they tell him Hyunjin often talks about him and Seungmin feels guilty for not even telling Jeongin where he was really going during the holidays. He is envious of Hyunjin ease to exist in the world, that nothing seems shameful or overwhelming for him, that he embraces the small and biggest things, the pleasure and the torment the same way with an innocent bliss of someone who just accepts life as it is. He is envious at first but then he is surrounding by it, it feels like Hyunjin does his best to share all of it with him, and so he decides to let go, for once, and accepts everything the way Hyunjin does.
They eat delicious things, they walk in the enormous city that makes Seungmin goes “wow” every time they go out, Hyunjin shows him his favorite place, they hang out all by themselves and sometimes with Hyunjin’s friends, and Seungmin enjoys everything. With Hyunjin by his side, he feels like the world is no longer a shaky decor he has to evolve into. The colors are more vibrant, the sound clearer, the path obvious. Until the very last day there is a voice in his head that tells him, every time he feels his heart sink deeper in his chest when Hyunjin laughs at his jokes, when Hyunjin touches him, when he smells his perfume, that’s love. And he decided not to freak out about it.
They never talk about Hyunjin’s coming out, but one of his friends talks about his own crush on another man, and he understands a bit why maybe it had come easier for Hyunjin, if his entire friends’ circle understands him. He stays silent when they’re talking about it, recognizing himself almost every time. He is not sure if he has to say anything.
The day he has to leave, they’re late. They’re both running in the station, carrying Seungmin stuff, now heavier with presents for his parents (and for Jeongin who he will tell everything and ask for his forgiveness), till the right platform and then the right car.
“I’ll see you again?” Hyunjin says and the tone is full of uncertainty, like Seungmin could ever tell him no, like Seungmin would ever want to say no.
“Yeah, of course.”
He hears the small sigh of relief Hyunjin has. Something is left unsaid, they both know it.
“Hyunjin,” Seungmin blurts out, “thank you.”
“Why?”
“For showing me your world. I think I understand you better, and me too.”
Hyunjin furrows his eyebrows, confused. Seungmin takes a deep breath in and lean near Hyunjin’s ear. He notices how his whole body suddenly tenses up.
“If you had not told me first, I would have lived lying to myself, I think.”
Hyunjin stays still, like he is trying to understand, Seungmin knows he is being cryptic but he is not sure he can says more, not sure the words would come out. But then, hyunjin pulls him into a hug, tight, strong, like they will never hug again. It almost scares Seungmin. There is a whistle and Seungmin understand they have to let go.
“I get you,” Hyunjin whispers, “you can always have me.”
He then lets go, too abruptly and Seungmin misses him immediately. The whistle goes stronger, and Hyunjin almost pushes him in the car.
“Now go, I’ll write to you. But let’s meet soon, okay? Let’s not wait almost four years again, promise?”
“Promise.”
He blinks a few times so the tears won’t roll out his eyes. And when he opens again fully, Hyunjin is gone. He grabs his stuff and goes to look for his place. His eyes shut down immediately as he sits down, like it is better to sleep and not think about everything that had happened, think about how painfully long the days will seem without Hyunjin next to him, to not see how the world seems dull already.
j'écris cette chanson d'amour c'est pas des paroles en l'air
Seungmin considers applying for universities in Hyunjin’s city. He has excellent grades and he knows he can be selected there but even with State’s money, it seems too complicated in terms of money and organization. His parents show support for his studies, but it is obvious they’d rather send him off in the city next to their town. He eventually agrees with them, no matter how much he loves Hyunjin, he can not make all his lifelong decision based on him.
He loves Hyunjin, the realization did not hit him as strong as he had seemed at first. It just became obvious when he came back from his holidays plus it helps talking with Jeongin, who at first was a bit shocked that it had been going on for so long without him knowing but then understands. It is as easy as his best friend asking him if they’re just friends and caught him off guard. He does not ask him how he knows, or why he thinks that, it does not matter really. Maybe it is his silence that answers it.
“For me, I like him a bit more,” Seungmin confesses after a while, “I don’t think it’s the same for him.”
Jeongin stares, “well I don’t know him, nor love in general but I think you’re wrong thinking that.”
Seungmin shakes his head, “I won’t dwell on false hope.”
His friend hums, “just let me say it once, I think eventually you should tell him. I think you have a chance, but it is your choice. I support you anyway.”
“Thanks,” Seungmin smiles.
Jeongin squeezes gently his shoulder before changing subject like Seungmin wants.
As the last months of high school go by, he tells Jeongin more and more stuff about Hyunjin, and likewise. But quickly enough all his thoughts go toward university and the future, he’s never imagined he would reach it so quickly. He is not a very ambitious person, he just wants a job he likes, work decently but not too much, and be able to live his life peacefully. In comparison Hyunjin has grand aspiration, one day he dreams of art school and the other day of a science degree, he wants to be a star but then would rather live comfortably and privately. It makes Seungmin laughs a bit, endearingly, Hyunjin is so full of life and passion, Seungmin is sure the world awaits for him. Seungmin is not hungry for the world. He is still not quite sure the world wants him at all.
Eventually he chooses a literature degree, he can see himself working in a library or something like that in a village like the one he has grown up in, while Hyunjin chooses different art school. By the end of his classes, Seungmin stares at the piece of paper in front of him, gathering all his courage. It’s been months since the last time he saw Hyunjin, months since Jeongin told him to confess, and now that their lives are going to drastically change, he decides to give the chance to Hyunjin to erase him from his life with a perfect excuse.
He feels too greedy for wanting to keep Hyunjin next to him, too greedy for enjoying his solar existence like a plant asking for water, when Hyunjin probably should surrender himself with people that could bring him extra light, extra life.
In the middle of the packages in his room, ready to move into an apartment all by himself and start his adult life, he writes with difficulty, feeling like every word is a hit in his heart.
I’ve been thinking for so long about telling you or not. At first I thought it was not worth it because you would never feel the same way, and I was selfish enough to keep you as a friend at least, to still be able to live next to you, even if you’ll never see me the way I see you. I think I could have lived like that peacefully. But then I thought that it was too unfair to you, with the ambition that you have and the dreams that keep getting bigger, and you are right for that, because I believe this is the least that you can ask for considering the incredible person that you are. You are so full of talents and live, you are maybe everything I’ve always dreamed I could become but never will because I am clearly naturally the opposite of you. And I’m fine with it, now, I’m fine with trying to fit as discreetly as possible.
I love you Hwang Hyunjin, I love you so much it hurts me because I was greedy to fall in love with you, and it is so unlike me to be like that. You brought the best out of me all the time, and I’m thankful for that, I know I would have been such a different person if I had never met you. For years, and still now, I wondered what made you talked to me that night and I often thought well maybe because you felt like you had to talk to the kid that no one was talking to, because that is how nice you are all the time. And I’m grateful for that.
This is not a goodbye, not really, it depends only to you, if you’re okay with still being my friend after that, then I’ll be fine with it, or act like nothing happened.
Anyway, I was really glad, and lucky to have shared those years of your life, and to have known you and fall in love with someone as beautiful as you.
He then adds his new address at the end of the letter and when he will live there, thoroughly folds it and posts it the next day. And tries his best to forget about it.
He moves out of his parents on a rainy August day, his mother cries a lot. His father will bring more of his stuff by car in a few weeks but he had decided to go first see the city and his new apartment by himself and they had respected that. On the platform, the rain makes it impossible for him to wait for too long outside and it is too odd anyway to take the train without Hyunjin sending him off, or the idea of meeting Hyunjin. He has not heard of the latter for the past two weeks now.
Seungmin gets a bit lost in the city when he arrives, and the loneliness hits him hard. Eventually he reaches his new apartment. It is in a nice neighborhood, he notices a cute bakery next door, and some little shops, he thinks he likes it. By automatism, and to see if the keys all work, he unlocks the mail box.
He stares at the single letter there, recognizing easily the enveloppe and the handwriting on top of it. He feels his heart stop as he takes it out, but he still opens it without any care for the paper. He needs to see what is inside. It is different, not even a full paper, just a small note. He unfolds it.
Seungmin,
I was not sure if you would receive this before leaving so I thought I’d send it here.
You’re so….
I just need to see you, okay? I’ll come and see you, just wait for me. There are things that needs to be said out loud.
The words were written in a hurry and there is not even any signature. Just a number doodled at the bottom of the page, that Seungmin easily interperts as Hyunjin phone number. He had also gotten one for his eighteenth birthday, but he had not dared to give the number to Hyunjin. It felt odd to switch like that, plus he’s never used a phone for personnal use before, he had their home phone and that was about it.
His hands shaking he dials the number on his phone, he stares at it longingly, still in the lobby of the building. He could act like he had not received anything but he knows Hyunjin, if he had told him he was coming, he would.
“Hello?” he hears Hyunjin says on the phone and he wants to cry.
“Hi,” he mutters, embarrassed. He regrets calling.
“Seungmin!” the voice almost whimpers, “so you got my letter.”
“Yeah, just now. What do you mean you’re coming?”
There is a silence, and he hears Hyunjin distantly laugh, but not like he would laugh at a funny joke, more like an endeared laugh.
“I mean that I’m coming. I have a train tomorrow morning.”
“What?”
“Seungmin,” the tone is serious this time, “do you really think I’d do nothing to keep you?”
His heart pinches.
“Just pick me up tomorrow, at noon, okay? Promise me.”
“I promise.”
“Great, see you tomorrow.”
He hangs up on that, leaving Seungmin completely lonely and almost terrified, yet oddly relieved and excited at the same time. The intensity of all these emotions makes him dizzy. He almost wants to fall down on the floor and stays in a corner of the room, until tomorrow happens. He lets himself dwell on those feelings for a moment, feeling them in every bone in his body, in every muscle, until he decides it is enough and he moves again, still needing to walk those two stairs and reach the new apartment.
The excitement he had thought he would feel about living by himself for the first time is erased by all the feelings he feels for Hyunjin. He falls on his bed without unpacking his stuff, overwhelm by the idea of seeing him in a few hours.
je t’embrasserai sur tous les quais de gare, promis j’aurai plus peur de ceux qui nous regardent
It takes Seungmin a little while to reach the train station again. It is the only thing he has seen in the city, except for the market place in which he had bought a few things so they would not starve. He had barely slept during the night, too anxious about everything, he wanted to text Hyunjin some more, but it felt too weird to cross that limit, it is still just writing but it is too direct, maybe Hyunjin does not need that. In his past letters, he had told him about all the stress and pressure he was under, going into a private art school, and if he did not need to move out of his parents’ place, he was still going through some changes.
He gets to the station way too early. There is no sign of the rain that poured down yesterday, the sun is up and bright, and it feels either like it is mocking him, or a sign of hope. Seungmin had never been a very hopeful person.
The clock ticks extremely slowly, he had had a text of Hyunjin earlier in the morning to tell him he had left like scheduled. Seungmin had taken an hour to answer, not sure what was the correct etiquette with that. He waits on a bench, trying to read without understanding any of the words in the pages.
When eventually the train slows down in the station, he gets up. He walks in the opposite sense of most people exiting the train. He does not mind when some of them pushes him aside, too busy quickly scanning everyone’s face to see if anyone is Hyunjin, knowing very well he does not need to that to recognize the man in a crowd.
He is near the end of the platform when he sees him. Next to him a suitcase, his back turned to the entrance of the station. When he hears the footstep coming closer to him, he turns around. There is a bright smile on his face, a plenitude in his expression that is so far away from Seungmin’s anxious state, yet it calms him down almost immediately.
The platform is getting emptier and emptier, only a few train employees are checking cars, so Seungmin lets Hyunjin grab his hands.
“Hey,” Hyunjin whispers.
The sun shines bright, Seungmin feels sweaty for other reason.
“You really thought you were getting rid of me, right?”
It makes Seungmin blush in embarrassment, “that’s not what…”
“I’m not mad,” Hyunjin tells him, “well, I am a bit, but it’s not like I can seriously stay mad at you anyway, it’s just you…”
He shakes his head and he lets out a laugh, leaving the other boy more confused if possible.
“Sorry, I had a whole speech written down and precise things I wanted to tell you but as soon as I saw you everything disappeared, so, I’m just gonna roll with it okay?”
Seungmin nods.
“I love you,” Hyunjin says, like it is the easiest thing to say in the world, not shaking on the syllable, not stuttering, standing strong on his two legs and looking directly in Seungmin’s eyes, his hands on his, “and reading that loving me hurts you made me sick, the last thing I want is for you to be hurt. Loving me should not hurt you, loving me should make you happy, blissful, hopeful, and I’m sorry if I ever let you believe loving me was not easy. Because loving you has been the easiest thing for me for years, and I’ve not regretted once.”
He feels his heart pound on his rib cage, like it is trying to break free, the environment around him his blurry, turning upside down, only Hyunjin stands still.
“You’ve never made anything difficult for me,” is what he manages to whisper because he does not want Hyunjin to blame himself, or be sad, or suffer in any way.
Hyunjin pouts, “then how could you think I’d ever want to walk away from you? That you never meant anything for me? I told you, you can always have me."
One of his hands goes to the side of Seungmin’s face, gently stroking the locks of hair, that had finally grown longer. The question lingers in the air and Seungmin does not know what to answer, because he has no reason, no explanation.
“If there is no reason, will you allow me to love you and will you let yourself love me?”
Seungmin only nods, blinking the tears in his eyes away, he sees Hyunjin smile, and then leaning close to him.
“Is this okay?” he asks.
“Yes,” he whispers, knowing exactly what Hyunjin is about to do. And it is true.
Hyunjin kisses him very lightly, just a bit more than a peck on his lips but it still makes Seungmin shivers because it is his very first kiss, it is the very first time he lets anyone so close in his personal space, and after months of being anxious over it, it feels terribly good.
He still is the first to take a step back, looking around them to make sure nobody saw them, and then locking his eyes back to Hyunjin, who does not seem to mind his behavior at all. Seungmin wonders what kind of boy Hyunjin sees through his eyes, he wonders if he can understand even when Seungmin can not show it in the right ways. Hyunjin grabs his suitcase.
“I can’t believe you came all the way, for real,” Seungmin mutters suddenly hit by the absurdity of the situation.
“Your letter made me freak out so much I could not think of anything else, I was afraid you’d never open any letters from me, so I just went all the way.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t mind, at least I’m with you now. That’s all that matters.”
on regardera dans le rétro, on fera plus marche arrière, si tu vas jusqu’au bout je veux bien mourir vieille
“You still haven’t told me where we are going,” Seungmin frowns, once they reach the train station.
“This is why it is called a surprise, Seungmin.”
It has been two weeks since Hyunjin had told Seungmin to cancel any plan he had that day and for the next week. It has been three years since they’ve started living together. Four since they ended their university courses. Ten since they kissed on the same train platform they are now walking to. More than twenty since they met. And Seungmin still feels like it is his first day with Hyunjin by his side, every day that goes by.
They’ve made their life pretty easy there, Seungmin works in the local library, Hyunjin is giving art lessons to children, and they’re happy. Younger Seungmin would have never believed it, but they’re happy, Hyunjin is happy. It shows every morning when he kisses Seungmin good morning, when he packs both their lunches, or when he picks him up if his classes ended early. It shows when he is smiling brightly at him when Seungmin comes by the atelier, or when they took the long way home just to walk near canal and watch the various colors of the sun paint it.
Seungmin is never totally done with the overthinking but Hyunjin helps a lot, when himself is not overthinking either. At the end of the day they soothe each other.
Hyunjin is holding his hand, when they started living together they were a bit cautious in public, trying not to make it too obvious, testing the waters here and there, but it got easier. From hands brushing quietly to hand holding, hugs with a hidden kiss in the neck, to small peck on the lips, it became natural. It is not always pink and glitters, but it affects them less and less, Seungmin feels proud of them for that.
With his other hand, he gives Seungmin a train ticket, “here, you’ll know!” he says sticking out his tongue but with sparkles of excitement in his eyes.
Seungmin stops to look at the ticket.
“Night train?” he reads, confused.
“The destination,” Hyunjin rolls in his eyes playfully.
He reads again, he does not recognize exactly the name of the city but he still can understand it is far away. Another country. His jaw drops, “I’ve never been so far for a holiday,” he confesses.
“I know,” Hyunjin says softly now facing Seungmin, squeezing his hand even tighter, “I’ve saved up for a while but I thought this could be our first trip together also.”
“You…” but he can not say anything else, blushing furiously, overwhelmed by a gigantic wave of love for the boy in front of him that he tries to process. Hyunjin waits patiently, his eyes ever so soft looking at him, “I love you.”
“I love you too,” he kisses his temples tenderely, “now let’s go, we don’t want to miss that train.”
When they reach the middle of the platform, Seungmin stops. People around them are getting into the train but he puts his hands on Hyunjin’s cheeks and he kisses him. He kisses him with all the love he feels inside of him, with all the care and affection he can convey with the touch of his lips, until his hands slide around Hyunjin’s neck and he forgets the world, pressing his body as close as possible to the other like he is going to disappear at any second.
“Now,” he whispers when they part away, breathless and craving for even more, “we can go.”
on ira voir la mer, on fera le tour de la terre, ta main dans la mienne