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Mu Qing spent a very long time convincing himself that he wasn’t missing out on anything. It wasn’t particularly difficult. It’s not like he ever felt strongly about anyone - never craved the need to be physically close to anyone.
But then the world turned on its head after Xie Lian ascended again. After the flames died and the world was calm, Mu Qing was given a second chance at friendship and suddenly simply being near wasn’t enough.
At first Mu Qing didn’t notice the craving. He didn’t notice until a year after Hua Cheng came back and Xie Lian was attending the Upper Court meetings again.
It started after one of these meetings. He, Xie Lian, and Feng Xin were walking back to Feng Xin’s palace - it was his turn to host their “After Meeting Teatime” as Xie Lian has started to call it.
“Are you sure you’re up for this, A-Xin?” Xie Lian asks. “You look tired.”
Feng Xin flashes his bright, boyish smile. “It’s just a busy time right now. I always get a lot of prayers in spring.”
Xie Lian frowns. “We don’t want to get in your way.”
Mu Qing just snickers. “You must be tired. Ju Yang is quite the burden to carry.”
A blush rises on both of his friends’ faces - Xie Lian because he just realized what prayers Feng Xin was receiving, and Feng Xin because he always blushes at the mention of Ju Yang.
“Mu Qing!” Feng Xin tries to reach around their friend to swat at Mu Qing but Mu Qing just dodges.
Feng Xin is quick to give chase. Neither pull out their weapons or yell biting words. Feng Xin is fowl as usual but he’s laughing as he curses. Mu Qing keeps his hands behind his back as he continues to spin just out of Feng Xin’s reach.
“Get back here, you gremlin!” Feng Xin tries to sound angry but he’s laughing too hard.
Mu Qing dodges Feng Xin’s hold once again and teases, “You’ve gotten slow, old man!”
“Old?! Oh, that’s it!” Feng Xin runs right into Mu Qing and lifts him over his shoulder. “Who’s slow now, huh?”
“Feng Xin!” Mu Qing hits his friend’s back. “Put me down!”
Feng Xin tightens his hold. “Nope! Not until you apologize.”
Mu Qing tugs at Feng Xin’s bun and laughs. “Awe, did I hurt grandpa's feelings? I’m very sorry, Gramps.”
Feng Xin tightens his hold on Mu Qing and turns to Xie Lian. Mu Qing only gets a quick glance, but he’s still able to see the dazed confusion on Xie Lian’s face.
“Shall we - Dianxia?” Feng Xin gently lets Mu Qing down. “Are you okay?”
Mu Qing feels hollow.
Wait.
Mu Qing turns to face his friends, worry replacing the emptiness he felt at Feng Xin letting him go. Xie Lian is staring at him with tears falling down his face.
“I’ve never heard you laugh like that before,” Xie Lian says and wipes the tears off his face. “Sorry about that.”
Mu Qing isn’t quite sure how to respond to that. He glances at Feng Xin for a hint because he’s always been better at reacting to people but even he looks a bit stunned.
When Feng Xin does finally speak, it is decidedly less helpful than anything Mu Qing could have said.
“What do you mean? He laughs like that all the time.”
So that means it’s up to him to make Xie Lian feel better this time.
“How the fuck would you know, asshole?” Mu Qing asks with a scoff. He’s not really looking for a fight but it would be much better than realizing Feng Xin knows him.
“You’ve spent the last eight hundred years laughing at me, bastard! I would hope I know what it sounds like!” Feng Xin snaps back. There’s no heat behind anything they say, though. Feng Xin even rolls his eyes before walking back towards Mu Qing.
Mu Qing lightly shoves his shoulder into Feng Xin’s as they both start walking again. “Oh, so you’re not so obtuse that you can at least notice that.”
Mu Qing ignores the way he wants to lean into Feng Xin’s touch as they playfully shove each other on the way to Feng Xin’s palace. He ignores the ache in his chest when Feng Xin moves out of reach again.
They don’t notice the look of clarity that washes over Xie Lian as he watches his friends joke around with each other.
~~
Mu Qing writes off the feeling as exhaustion and decides to forget about it. Well, he decides to forget about it during the day. It’s at night that the emptiness seeps through his bones and loneliness grips at his heart.
But the moment sunlight forces its way through his palace windows Mu Qing shoves the feelings deep down inside him and goes about his days. He had too much work to do and no time to yearn for Feng Xin to wrap his strong arms around him again.
Not that he yearns for that. That would be ridiculous.
Unfortunately, Mu Qing is soon forced to acknowledge just how fragile the bottle that stores his emotions truly is.
Ling Wen assigns both him and Feng Xin a mission at the border of their territories and at the time Mu Qing thinks nothing of it. He and Feng Xin go on missions all the time.
Mu Qing does, however, forget that Feng Xin is very physically affectionate with those he’s close to - which now includes Mu Qing.
The mission itself isn’t difficult. There were some lower level demons terrorizing travelers and stealing from merchants. Mu Qing thinks they should have just given the mission to their deputies but he… missed Feng Xin. They hadn’t been able to work together in weeks and Mu Qing hates to admit that he was looking forward to seeing his friend again.
And considering that Feng Xin didn’t suggest sending deputies either then maybe ( maybe ) Feng Xin missed him too.
The fight was nothing for them, and the demons were defeated easily. Mu Qing is wiping the blood off of his saber after the last demon is killed when Feng Xin walks up behind him.
“Are you hurt anywhere?” Feng Xin asks and gently places a hand on Mu Qing’s shoulder.
Mu Qing tries not to shudder at the touch.
He does however try to lean into the touch right before Feng Xin moves his hand. They stare at each other for a moment before Mu Qing gathers his thoughts.
“As if those demons could hurt me,” Mu Qing says and rolls his eyes. He hopes desperately that his cheeks aren’t as red as they feel.
“I was just making sure.”
Mu Qing is about to snap back but pauses when he realizes that Feng Xin had sounded genuine. Like he truly cared if Mu Qing was hurt or not.
Mu Qing can’t meet his eyes when he answers. “I’m not hurt.”
“Good.” Feng Xin brushes a lock of hair behind Mu Qing’s ear before he starts walking back towards the village nearby.
The ghost of Feng Xin’s fingers linger on his skin for days.
~~
“It’s so wonderful that you two are able to be here with San Lang here, too,” Xie Lian says as he serves them tea.
Mu Qing isn’t fooled. Xie Lian set them up. He’s sure of it. The only reason he refuses to call his friend out on it is because Crimson Rain looks just as miserable and Mu Qing finds it immensely satisfying to watch the ghost king pretend to be happy about the turn of events.
“It was such a surprise,” Feng Xin says and Mu Qing tries not to laugh at how fake he sounds.
“Truly,” Hua Cheng agrees. “Gege didn’t tell me you two were visiting.”
“I didn’t?” Xie Lian asks and sits beside his husband. “It must have slipped my mind.”
Yeah right. Mu Qing almost says it, but Xie Lian looks so happy that he bites his tongue.
“We haven’t gotten to see each other in weeks.” Xie Lian smiles and takes a sip of tea. “How is everything in the heavens?”
Mu Qing politely holds his tea cup without taking a sip. “Feng Xin had more poems written about him.”
Feng Xin chokes on his spit. “You-!”
Mu Qing shoves against his shoulder and interrupts him. “Do you want to hear them?”
“What are you even talking about? When were they written?” Feng Xin asks but doesn’t move away from Mu Qing. In fact, it almost feels like he leans into him more.
Mu Qing can’t help the smug smile that pulls on his lips. “Last week.”
“And you already have them memorized?!”
Mu Qing scoffs. “Of course. Who do you think I am?”
“Someone obsessed with his dick,” Hua Cheng deadpans.
Xie Lian tries to cover his laugh with a cough and Feng Xin looks like he’s hardly breathing. Mu Qing surprises himself, and the rest of the group, by laughing loudly.
“He wishes!” Mu Qing says and hides his face in Feng Xin’s shoulder as he laughs.
Feng Xin breathes in deep through his nose. “I do not!”
“Uh huh, sure,” Hua Cheng says and Mu Qing can practically hear his smirk.
“Um, why do you have them memorized though?” Xie Lian asks, clearly still trying not to laugh.
“Because it’s his life’s mission to irritate me in any way he can,” Feng Xin answers.
Mu Qing hooks his chin over Feng Xin’s shoulder and gives Xie Lian a bright smile. “Yep!”
“You’re a menace,” Feng Xin says and tugs gently at Mu Qing’s ponytail.
“And you’re a nuisance,” Mu Qing retorts and presses his elbow into Feng Xin’s side.
“This is nauseating. Please leave,” Hua Cheng says.
“San Lang!”
Mu Qing starts tuning the two of them out and glances up at Feng Xin. He is startled when he sees that Feng Xin is already looking at him. There’s a gentle smile on his face and a light blush dusting his cheeks.
“Did I make you uncomfortable?” Mu Qing asks before he realizes what he’s saying.
Feng Xin starts running his fingers through his hair before he responds. “Poems about me always make me uncomfortable.”
He doesn’t sound angry but Mu Qing can tell he’d rather not talk about them.
“So-”
He doesn’t get to finish his apology before Feng Xin leans down to whisper in his ear. “But if they must be written, I’d rather them be from you.”
Mu Qing doesn’t know how to respond to that and just stares helplessly as Feng Xin starts up conversation with Xie Lian again. The hand in his hair continues to brush through it and Mu Qing lets himself melt into the touch.
He isn’t entirely sure what they talk about, too content to pay much attention. There’s a warmth spreading from where his body touches Feng Xin’s. The emptiness he’s been trying to ignore is no longer there.
It’s like the touch of Feng Xin against him is everything he could possibly want an yet -
And yet he needs more.
“A-Qing.”
The nickname pulls him out of his daze and he turns his attention back to Feng Xin.
“Sorry, what?”
Feng Xin laughs and rubs his fingers along Mu Qing’s nape. “Are you ready to head out? It’s getting late.”
“Oh,” Mu Qing blinks and looks out the window. Sure enough, the sun was already starting to set. “Yeah, sure.”
“Sorry we can’t stay longer, Dianxia,” Feng Xin says and starts to stand. Mu Qing follows and tries not to mourn the loss of his touch.
“Oh, No worries! You two must be tired from your recent missions!” Xie Lian says and walks them out.
“We’ll try to visit longer next time,” Mu Qing says.
“We can see if Ling Wen can find a mission for the three of us,” Feng Xin adds.
Xie Lian gives them a bright smile. “That would be fun! I look forward to it!”
“We’ll be off then.” Feng Xin waves and Mu Qing nods before they ascend back up to the Heavenly Court.
Before Mu Qing gets the chance to say anything, Feng Xin starts dragging him to his palace.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Mu Qing asks as they walk up the steps, passing Feng Xin’s confused deputies as they go.
“You weren’t paying attention to our conversation at all, were you?” Feng Xin asks instead.
Mu Qing can feel himself blush at getting called out. “I-”
“Because if you had been,” Feng Xin keeps talking, ignoring everyone else as they walk through the palace, “you would know that we were talking about how concerning it was that you completely shut down when someone touches you.”
“I don’t -”
“You do,” Feng Xin doesn’t leave any room for argument. “Dianxia says you’re touch starved. I agree.”
Mu Qing tries very hard to focus on what Feng Xin is saying rather than the hand around his wrist. He also tries not to get dazed over the fact that Feng Xin is dragging him to his bed chambers.
“And what do you think you can do about it?” Mu Qing asks. He doesn’t think he’s very successful at hiding his confusion.
“We’re going to sleep together.” Feng Xin says it with so much confidence that Mu Qing almost doesn’t question it. And then he realizes what Feng Xin said.
“We’re going to what?!” Mu Qing practically screeches and stops moving.
Feng Xin must also just realize what he said because his face suddenly turns bright red. “No! Not like that! I meant literally!”
Mu Qing eyes him suspiciously but doesn’t move out of Feng Xin’s grip.
“I’m serious, A-Qing. I just want to help!”
“I believe you,” Mu Qing says slowly, still slightly scared that there may be… expectations of whatever is about to happen. “I just don’t understand why you would want to do this.”
Feng Xin frowns and steps towards him. Mu Qing doesn’t stop him as he gently uses his free hand to cup Mu Qing’s cheek. “I just want you to be happy. We can think of something else if this makes you uncomfortable.”
For one horrible moment Mu Qing thinks that Feng Xin is going to take back everything he said. His breath hitches when Feng Xin lets go of his wrist but his misery is short-lived. Feng Xin just cups Mu Qing’s other cheek and steps closer so that their noses are brushing together.
“Please,” Mu Qing whispers. He isn’t sure what he’s asking for but Feng Xin seems to understand.
“You’ll let me help?”
Mu Qing nods and wraps his arms around Feng Xin’s waist.
Feng Xin’s lips ghosts against Mu Qing’s and Mu Qing can feel every breath.
And then Feng Xin is kissing him and Mu Qing feels like he’s floating. He never wants it to end and pulls Feng Xin impossibly closer.
Mu Qing isn’t sure how long they stay there in the hallway kissing. He knows it’s long enough for his neck to ache at the angle. He also isn’t sure when Feng Xin walks them into his bed chambers, or when Mu Qing changes into borrowed sleep robes that he has no intention of returning anytime soon. He isn’t sure what’s said before he slips into a peaceful sleep but he knows he felt loved and cherished for the first time in a long time.
He knows that the sunlight dancing along his skin in the morning isn’t nearly as warm as the feeling of Feng Xin’s arm across his stomach. He knows the softest blanket he owns isn’t as comforting as the kisses Feng Xin leaves along his neck.
He knows that he’s loved like he’s never been loved before.
He knows that being curled against Feng Xin in this moment is the happiest he’s ever felt.