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i just can't contain the feeling that remains

Summary:

After being consumed by the potential loss of her best friend and an active war, Robin must confront one of her largest regrets— Not speaking to Chrissy for five years. A fantasy AU inspired by Fire Emblem: Three Houses.

Notes:

Happy Stranger Things Femslash Week! I really wanted to contribute to it and I'm so glad I could make time to celebrate one of my favorite rarepairs. This is part of a larger AU that I would love to continue, so hopefully I'll be able to expand upon this soon!

There's no specific content warnings for this fic, but there is speculation over whether or not Steve has died.

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Robin had accepted that the past six years had formed a mountain of regrets.

There wasn’t much she could have done to prevent it. War tended to create that kind of atmosphere. There would always be decisions that had to be made in the moment and she had to learn that she was never going to have enough time to think things through the way that she’d like. Her country was fractured in so many ways between different leaders and that didn’t even account for a chunk of it being taken up by some guy who went by Vecna and had an army of undead. She was in survival mode and as angry as she was that there was collateral damage, she accepted that she couldn’t will it away.

Which was why when she was told to try to discuss a potential alliance with Hellfire, she was willing to go through with it. The secret society was a source of comfort for her prior to the war, back when she was a student and she accidentally made friends with a prince who attended the academy. The less complicated version of Robin Buckley, an uncommon commoner.

That version of Robin found Hellfire by accident. She was roped into fighting some bandits who were sneaking into the sewers of the school and discovered that there was a vibrant society that ran under the entire campus. People who were cast out of their villages for a variety of reasons and flourished underground, working together to create a world that Robin never thought was possible. When the war efforts ramped up, Robin let go of Hellfire. It needed to protect itself and she needed to try to better the world above ground. Maybe she could help it become safe enough for her to join it.

Or she might have made the whole thing worse. She was so deep in the weeds on the whole “being at war with humans and also the undead” aspect that she wasn’t really sure if she was helping at all.

But Hellfire still operated like it did five years ago. The sewers still led to its entrance, a seemingly nondescript tunnel that anyone would ignore if they didn’t notice a demon skull with long horns carved onto it. She checked the carving several times, one hand lighting the way with a basic illumination spell and the other reverently running her hand against the demon’s wide grin.

The path to Hellfire was relatively linear, barring a few turns that were shockingly still muscle memory for Robin. It probably helped that the tunnels that were actively used by the community were relatively maintained, the floor clear from recent comings and goings and the occasional debris that people left. A button, a note, even the butt of a loaf of bread had been set to the side, most likely the result of a stolen haul from above ground. Casualties from whoever went above ground to run supplies.

The tunnels got wider, the smell not as stagnant as it once was. She found the pile of rocks that had blocked most of the entrance, trying to move just enough for her to fit through before she piled them up again. She barely faced forward again before she was knocked on the ground, the illumination spell she had cast shutting off.

Robin struggled, realizing quickly that she was pinned, a cold blade against her neck. She yelped, trying to figure out what the fuck she should do. Hellfire didn’t have guards who attacked like this when she was younger. There were people who sat by the entrance, willing to help people who needed supplies, sure. But they rarely, if ever resorted to violence, especially something as focused as this.

She opened her eyes, trying to figure out her surroundings. There was a torch set up too far away from her to really make sense of who was on top of her, though she could infer they were gangly. The object against her neck was a dagger, so whoever this was had some sort of understanding of close range combat. She braced her palms against the ground, trying to figure out what magic she could possibly do in this situation. An illumination spell could blind the person momentarily. A small scale wind spell could maybe push the person off with minimal damage to their surroundings. Maybe a warp spell could get her closer to the torch and she could figure out who this was?

Honestly, that sounded like the best shot she had. She tried to quickly call the spell, lifting her hands into the appropriate poses before she warped from underneath the person, ending up pressed against the wall.

The person fell against the ground, quickly jumping up.

Robin raised her hands, keeping them flat. “I’m not here to hurt you,” she announced. “My name is Robin Buckley. I used to be an ally to Hellfire years back.”

The person paused, slowly coming closer to the light. Robin gasped, taking one of her hands toward her own mouth.

“Eddie?” she asked.

There weren’t really words above ground to describe someone like Eddie. In many ways he had been Hellfire’s de facto leader, a twenty year old with a stubborn streak when it came to helping people. Five years later, it seemed like his title was unchanged, though his appearance had. A scar had set deep against his cheek, tugging at the corner of his mouth when he pressed his lips together.

“Robin? Why are you back?” he asked.

No embrace. Robin knew she wasn’t going to receive a hero’s welcome coming back to this place, but she selfishly hoped that she could pick up where she left off regarding some of her closer relationships. But this Eddie was far more guarded now. He kept his core away from her, like he was trying to prevent a potential attack that she knew she’d never attempt.

She had no idea how she could possibly answer his question. There was the direct order she was given to be here, but that didn’t account for all the steps that led to that moment. How the only reason why she was anywhere near the frontlines was because when she was sixteen years old she found herself strangely charmed by a prince who had only just recently learned that his subjects were the ones he should be protecting, not his family’s legacy. The same prince that led her down in the sewers in the first place, because he caught sight of some bandits making their way inside.

But Eddie knew a lot of that. Probably not all of it, but at least enough that he wouldn’t give a shit about the complicated steps she took before this moment. So she settled on, “I’m here with a message from Princess Nancy. We had just been pushed toward the area due to Vecna’s army and we were hoping to discuss an alliance.”

“An alliance,” Eddie said, nearly spitting each syllable out. “Do you really think we are in any condition to provide resources? Half the people in this place can barely walk. Robin, you know this.”

“I know,” Robin said, “But we’re getting desperate. I’m sure you heard about Steve’s…” Her voice trailed off. She desperately hoped he would finish the sentence.

“Probable beheading?” Eddie asked. “I’m assuming you’re why there was any ambiguity with that one?”

Robin closed her eyes, coaxing the memory back to her. The first title she ever received was being Prince Steven Harrington’s vassal. The position wasn’t really acquired in a particularly illustrious way. She befriended him, because he was a slightly sheltered, but well meaning guy that wanted to do more than give into the expectations his parents placed on him. When that news got back to his parents they suggested it was some kind of conspiracy which led to Robin literally busting Steve out of a cell. Holding his hand and making sure he knew the exact coordinates to the rendezvous location.

Steve never showed up.

“To be fair,” Robin said, her eyes still closed, “Nobody ever found his body. It’s entirely possible he’s alive and we just have to find him.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Robin, I know you’re smarter than that to believe it.”

Robin looked down at their boots. Eddie’s were polished, but broken in. They might have been the same ones he wore years ago, though Robin couldn’t be certain of finer details like that anymore. Too much had happened. They were in sharp contrast to the newer ones that she was gifted by Nancy in an attempt to boost her morale the year before.

“Robin,” Eddie said, something heavy taking on his voice. “Please tell me you haven’t spent five years hunting for a ghost.”

“I’m not hunting,” Robin said, finally looking up at him. “I just… go out to confirm or deny any sightings if they are legitimate.”

“Well, I suppose that explains why we haven’t heard anything from you for five years,” Eddie said. “At least until you apparently burn through so many soldiers you need to ask Hellfire for reinforcements.” He spun on his heel, grabbing his torch and gesturing toward the final hallway that separated them from the rest of the city. “Let’s walk and talk. My shift is ending, anyway.”

Robin scrambled behind him, keeping one step behind him to make sure she could see where they were going.

“We could probably help you with any armor and weapon repairs,” Eddie said, “We won’t be as fast as anybody you probably have access to, but we’ll do it right.” He tilted his head. “So House Leader Wheeler is overseeing your side. As it should be, I suppose.”

“She’s trying to make good on a lot of the promises she had made when she started the academy,” Robin explained, “Hellfire would be included in any of it.”

“Nice to hear that we weren’t asked for any feedback leading up to the war effort,” Eddie grumbled.

“Eddie…” Robin started. She knew she could explain what had happened. The way that all the horrible developments seemed to pile up within weeks of each other and everybody was forced to react with little thought as to how it impacted smaller groups like Hellfire or even commoners who weren’t directly involved in the war effort. Nancy could probably say it in a way that could placate people, but Robin couldn’t. She knew that she failed Hellfire.

So she chose to take accountability for it. “We should have told you,” she decided to say, “We should have been clearer with a lot of people as to what happened, but you especially. You were our friend and Steve’s…”

Don’t,” Eddie cut her off, free hand stabbing the air between them. He took a deep breath. “I can’t think about him like that. Not anymore.”

Robin slowly nodded her head. It certainly wasn’t the first time she met someone who wanted to try to forget Steve. She didn’t agree with it, but she understood it was the way some people were able to keep moving forward. It probably shouldn’t have been surprising that Eddie felt that way, but it still made her throat get tight.

They reached one more rock pile, Robin kneeling down and pushing everything away while Eddie watched.

“Chrissy is still guarding the other entrance if you want to see her,” Eddie said.

Robin nearly dropped several rocks on her feet. “Is she?” she asked.

“Yup,” Eddie said, popping his hip out. “If you can get her to not kill you, I’ll consider the alliance offer.”

Robin turned around, glaring at him even though there were definitely two people on the other side staring at them. “You wouldn’t,” she said, even though she knew he absolutely would. If anybody had a relationship that remotely rivaled the depths of Steve and Robin’s, it was those two. It unfortunately meant that their bond would always be an undercurrent to any conversations.

“Look, I’m just saying that my situation with Steve ended with a bit less ambiguity than you two,” he said. He faced the two people, tipping an imaginary hat. “I’m going the fuck to sleep,” he announced, “Don’t mind the visitor. She’s an old friend.”

Robin waved, vaguely introducing herself before Eddie kept walking. There were more torches set up in this area. The layout of the place started with a library, an apparently robust collection of texts that was acquired whenever the academy attempted to cull its own shelves. Robin caught herself walking toward it, reminding herself that she couldn’t just hide in the stacks like she did when she was younger. Eddie stopped short in front of the marketplace, which was already bustling with activity. He kept just out of view from the patrons, as if he knew the moment he was spotted he’d be bombarded with questions and requests.

“You know how this place works. It’s pretty much a direct shot from here to the back entrance,” Eddie explained. “Her shift ends in about two hours.”

“Why don’t you have the same shift schedules at both entrances?” Robin asked.

Eddie narrowed his eyes. “I didn’t miss your need to question how I run this place.” He slapped her shoulder. “Nice to see you, Buckley.”

“Wait, can you…” Robin started, but Eddie was already walking, taking some back entryway that she didn’t even see as a possibility moments earlier.

She sighed, walking through the beginning of the marketplace. Inevitably, people stared at her, several even cocking their head in near recognition. Robin tried to wave, hoping that nobody scrutinized her further.

She made a promise with Steve to help protect this place. In their eyes, they were the potential heroes. Hellfire housed the downtrodden and it was up to them to help, but five years away from the place helped Robin remember that that wasn’t really true. The whole point to Hellfire was that it was a community of people who looked out for each other. Working in a collective, because they were stronger together than apart. Even during wartime, Robin could see that everybody was exchanging goods with minimal use of currency. Some rations for a handmade blanket, a beautifully crafted ring for a lovingly repaired pair of boots. Robin even overheard a conversation of someone saying they were going to bring items to a family that couldn’t attend the market today due to an injury, which never would have happened above ground.

There were flashes of it in the past few years. It mostly came in the form of the leadership in the war effort, many of which Robin’s classmates in the academy. They were all too young to be leading armies, but most soldiers were.

The market transitioned into the living spaces, conversations a bit softer than the ones in the market. Her footsteps sounded too loud against the stone path, like another reminder that she was so out of place.

She wondered what she was supposed to say when she saw Chrissy. It wasn’t that she was planning on never seeing her again, but there was an unfortunate comfort to knowing that she wasn’t going to have a conversation with her anytime soon.

They were also only children the last time they saw each other. Their relationship functioned as such. Hands held under the table, a kiss to the cheek. Robin had more experience with other women before and after their connection, but few lingered in her mind the same way Chrissy did. Maybe it was because she was a dancer or that she was one of the few people who understood what it was like having a bond with someone that ran deep without being romantic. It could have also been that she was pretty while also not being afraid to smile too wide or snort when she laughed. Stunning and stunningly human. Robin knew that those were qualities that rarely appeared as a combination.

The dwellings spaced out, eventually stopping in front of a guard. She waved awkwardly, asking, “Is Chrissy up ahead?”

The guard nodded, gesturing toward a nearby tunnel. He raised his eyebrows, but didn’t challenge her, though Robin wondered if she should report it to Eddie. It felt a little too lax, given the current situation.

She didn’t stop, muttering an illumination spell before she made her way through the tunnel. Much like Eddie’s side, there was a pile of rocks, Chrissy standing several yards away. She seemed to sense Robin immediately, turning her head and approaching her, her own hand glowing from a spell.

Robin froze in her crouching position, looking up at her.

Chrissy looked similarly battle worn to Eddie. There was a scarred over line along her cheek and her arms had patches of molted scars. It was hard to tell what caused the larger scars. They appeared puckered and jagged, much like the one on Eddie’s cheek. Her best theory was a burn, seeing as though most magic scarring appeared differently.

The other more notable development was her hair. It was typically pulled back, always appearing too heavy against her face when it was down. Now it was cropped short, her strawberry blonde appearing fiery against her glowing hand. It opened her face up to how wide eyed she appeared at the sight in front of her.

“Robin,” Chrissy said. It wasn’t a question like when Eddie recognized her. Chrissy remembered her face, even if she hadn’t seen it in years.

Admittedly, it made Robin’s heart pound.

“Yeah, it’s me,” she said, staying low to the ground. Not bowing, but still trying desperately to show acknowledgement that she was the outsider here.

Chrissy reached out with her free hand. It was small, but callused. A hand that learned how to hold a sword and personally helped build some of the dwellings in Hellfire. Robin reached out to grab it, Chrissy tugging her upright.

Chrissy leaned forward and Robin braced herself for a shove.

“Why didn’t I hear from you?” Chrissy demanded.

Robin regained her balance, taking a deep breath.

The worst part was that Chrissy wasn’t asking her what she was. That wasn’t really the mystery between the two of them. Steve disappeared and war broke out. Robin’s obligations were elsewhere.

But Chrissy’s location never changed. Even with Hellfire being somewhat mysterious, there were ways to make sure that she could receive a letter.

“I’m sorry,” Robin said.

Chrissy rolled her eyes. “That wasn’t what I asked, Robin.”

“No, you didn’t…” she started. “Uh, I was thinking a few steps ahead… sorry… wait, I probably shouldn’t be apologizing for something like that… uh…” She sighed, staring up at the ceiling for a long time.

“It’s okay, get yourself back on target,” Chrissy said. She reached out toward Robin’s hand. “Maybe stop the illumination spell.”

“Got it,” Robin said, flicking her hand to stop it. She brought her hands to her face, scrubbing her eyes.

Where was her target anyway?

It seemed like for the first time in five years, she didn’t really know that answer. At least, she had no idea when she was facing Chrissy.

“I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything,” Robin finally said. She could feel the question on the tip of Chrissy’s tongue before she added, “I would think about writing a letter and realize I didn’t even know how to address it, let alone what I could possibly say to you. So I stopped trying.” She lowered her hands. “Like… My dear ChrissyDarling ChrissyLady Chrissy, wait, are you offended by that title as a former noble?”

Chrissy scrunched her nose. “I mean, we are collectively against titles in Hellfire, but I would have given you a pass, because I know how the above ground works.” She gently reached out, placing her hand on Robin’s shoulder. Robin couldn’t help but lean into it, forgetting the last time someone truly touched her with any gentle intentions. “What would you have said? If you figured out how you would have written it out?”

Robin slid her hands back, running her fingers through her hair. She had cut her own hair short, if only because it made sense during battle. After spending most of her teen years cutting her hair shorter and shorter, it didn’t feel as dramatic as Chrissy cutting her own.

“I would have said that I miss you,” Robin admitted, “I think everything would have come back to that… oh, I got roped into the war effort! I miss you! I don’t think Steve is dead! I miss you! I just remembered we didn’t kiss! I miss you!”

“No, we didn’t kiss, that’s true,” Chrissy said. She tightened her grip on Robin’s shoulder. “Honestly, I want to unpack the other two statements at some point, but… that one… call me selfish, but I’m a bit curious about it.”

“I wanted to,” Robin admitted, “I just talked myself out of it. One of my many regrets, I guess.”

“It doesn’t have to stay one,” Chrissy suggested.

Robin refocused her eyes on Chrissy’s. She had a playful smirk on her face. It was a challenge. One that Robin desperately wanted to rise to.

She leaned in against Chrissy, gently pressing her lips against Chrissy’s. Chrissy broke the kiss with a huff, bringing her arms behind Robin’s back before pushing her forward with a more open mouthed kiss. Robin had to swallow a gasp in the process, trying her best to keep up with Chrissy’s pace.

For several seconds, the war ended in her mind. Steve was found and safe, reconnecting with Eddie however he wished. Robin was free to do whatever she wanted, like kissing Chrissy in a tunnel.

Robin broke the kiss, nibbling on Chrissy’s lower lip. Chrissy hissed, but didn’t pull away.

“I missed you, too,” Chrissy said, wiping her swelling lip.

When Robin felt reality creeping back in her mind she dove in and gave Chrissy another kiss.