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They got divorced as quietly as they had got married. Neither of them could have told you who’s idea it was in the end.
It had first come up during a fight. Their last fight, after a week of arguing non-stop. He’d been back from deployment for just under a month, and the initial joy of seeing each other again had faded to releasing bottled anger at choices made (her) and frustration for a lack of understanding (him) fairly quickly.
Hailey couldn’t even tell you what they’d been fighting about when the suggestion finally surfaced.
"This isn't us!" Jay had yelled. "This isn't what our marriage was supposed to be!" Before his deployment they’d barely argued, and never shouted at each other, but now both their throats were hoarse.
The words came without her realising. "Then maybe we shouldn’t be married anymore." Her voice had been much quieter, eerily calm, delivering the first thing they had spoken to each other in a normal voice for days.
Deafening silence. And then. "Are you saying we should get a divorce?" His tone lowered to match hers.
She had sank down onto the couch behind her. "I don’t know." She whispered, the reality of her words sinking in. "You said it yourself Jay, this isn't us. And I don't know how we fix that. All I know is I hate this, and I’ve hated the last year of our relationship because we have barely had one."
"Me too." He had sat down beside her on the couch, both staring straight forwards at the window.
The silence sat for a few moments, much quieter and calmer than before. "I miss you Jay." She had admitted, looking at him with tears in her eyes. "I miss us. I miss when things were good and simple and we always seemed to understand each other."
He exhaled slowly. "You miss when we were friends."
"Don’t you?" And that had been the nail in the coffin.
"Yeah." He’d bobbed his head as he swallowed. "Yeah, I do."
"So, what do we do now?" She asked after they’d sat in silence for a while.
He hadn’t met her eyes when he said it. "I think we need to get a divorce. Before this gets any worse."
"So we can still be friends." She finished.
"Yeah." He nodded. "I love you, Hailey."
"I love you too Jay."
They hadn't fought since. She had slept on the couch and Jay had found an attorney willing to represent them both and filed for divorce the next morning while she was at work. They divided everything with very little fuss and Jay had gone to stay with Will while they both found new places to live, neither wanting to keep what had been their home. She removed her ring and carried on with her life, not mentioning the development to anyone until she asked Trudy if she could update her personnel file.
Their marriage was officially over less than six months after he had returned from Bolivia. Their divorce was finalised in the room next to the one they had got married in and they had stopped at the bar where they had had their first kiss on the way home.
"So, I’m leaving again." He had told her, almost making her choke on her whiskey. "I’ve got another deployment coming up."
"When?" She asked when she finally swallowed her drink.
"Uh, Monday. Another eight months."
She didn't know what to say. "Same thing again?"
"Yeah, same camp and everything. Even got some of the same guys in my team."
"Sounds great." She lied. "I’m really happy for you."
"Thanks. I know we said friends and that’s kind of hard with me all the way out there, but I feel like this is the right thing for me." He had tried to explain.
"You’re not my husband anymore Jay." She reminded him. "You do what’s best for you."
"Apparently they installed an actual communications tower on base, so my phone should work this time. I won’t be as off the grid."
"Jay, it’s okay." She had told him. "I don’t expect anything from you. What time is your flight?"
"Uh, like two in the afternoon."
"I’ve got Monday as a DO, I’ll give you a lift to the airport."
They spoke a little over the next nine months. Their roles had been switched from his previous deployment, with him being the one calling and her not picking up. She’d text him back and say she was working and couldn’t talk, even though that wasn’t usually the case. Really, she just didn't want to talk to him and have to pretend she was doing well, that the divorce hadn't taken its toll on her. Sometimes he’d text back asking how her day was, and that was how she knew he’d had a bad one. On those days, she’d give it twenty minutes and call him back, saying she was taking a food break so she had a little time.
Talking was hard. She missed him, down to her bones. The team didn’t ask, they hadn’t been close as a unit since before the pandemic, everyone having got too caught up with their own stuff in the meantime. Truthfully, they skated around the subject. She had never been the most open book, and she guessed that they were scared of upsetting her. They had checked in on her when Jay had left a little the first time, but that had tapered off while she had thrown herself into work head first, and when she had emerged it seemed like everyone had just been glad she wasn't drowning herself anymore. They didn't want to know how she was actually doing, content in believing she was as fine as she presented herself to be.
Not having Jay there was hard. Before she had started in intelligence she had conditioned herself to being alone, perfected the art of isolating herself to keep herself safe. Jay had torn that down. She had been so used to being alone, and Jay had destroyed that. He had been her partner in almost every sense. Over the six years since they had first been partnered, Jay had wormed himself into her life to the point where his presence had somehow become something she expected. And without him she felt lonely for the first time in her adult life.
She started going to Molly’s again when she began to feel the loneliness creeping up on her. She hadn’t been a regular since before her and Jay started dating, and while everyone there knew they’d been married, none of them had really seen the relationship for themselves. It was the perfect mix of people she already knew, who weren't going to talk to her about Jay. The working friendships she had with the firefighters allowed her to fit seamlessly in, and there was always someone for her to talk to, someone's problems messier than her own to focus on. It was nice. She became better friends with Stella, Kelly and Violet, and she let Carver flirt with her and buy her drinks (after Stella had warned her he was a man whore with no actual interest in a relationship).
She still missed Jay. She missed the way he smiled at her and the comfort she had felt with him, the first taste of being truly home she could remember having. She missed the green of his eyes and the way his arms felt around her. But she could cope.
"Hey." He said when she finally answered the phone, on the third day of him calling in a row. "Guess who’s back in Chicago?"
"Um, Vanessa is moving home from LA?" She joked, knowing full well what Jay was doing and that her friend was happily settled out in California.
"Very funny." He deadpanned. "I’m back, for good this time."
She didn’t know what to say. "Seriously?" She managed after what seemed like an eternity of stunned silence.
"Yeah, I’ve got a job with the VA." He told her. "Got an apartment and everything."
"That’s great." She told him, ignoring the pang in her chest. It was her own fault he hadn't told her sooner. She hadn't answered his calls for weeks.
"I was wondering if you wanted to grab a drink or something? Catch up?"
Breathe in, breathe out. "Sounds good." She nodded as convincingly as possible, even though she knew he couldn't see her. "I go to Molly’s a lot, we could meet there?"
"Uh, yeah." He sounded surprised. "Tonight work?"
She checked her calendar in her head. The fifty one gang weren’t on shift, so some of them would probably be around and willing to act as buffers should it get too much for her. Stella was working, so all she would have to do was drag her and Kelly into the conversation if she needed a break. "Yeah. Yeah, tonight's good. I tend to get there around eight."
"I’ll meet you there." He said. "See you later Hailey."
"See you later Jay."
She got to the bar before him, smiled at Stella as she took a seat at the bar and her friend poured her her usual.
"You are looking good tonight." Carver lent on the bar next to her teasingly as Stella handed her her drink.
"Carver, don’t be an ass." His lieutenant scolded him, though there was no real force behind her words. He and Hailey had been doing this for months, him playfully flirting with her, her gently turning him down in a way that made it clear while nothing was ever going to happen, she didn’t mind the attention.
"Can’t I give the woman a compliment now Kidd?" He mocked looking offended as Stella shook her head and walked back over to the other end of the bar where Kelly was sat.
"Hi Sam." Hailey said, taking a sip of her whiskey. "How are you doing?" And that was all Carver needed. He launched into a recount of his last shift, telling her all the little details of the calls they’d had and the pieces of firehouse drama. It was the reason the flirting didn’t bother her, because at the end of the day, he was as lonely as she was. They both recognised something in the other that they had in themselves, something a little broken they’d rather push down than deal with, and it was nice for the both of them to just have someone to talk to about the superficial stuff without any expectation of going deeper.
They spoke for a while, Hailey telling a couple of stories about work in between his. She was wrapping up telling one about how Adam had managed to cause a disaster in the break room that lunchtime by not reading the preparation instructions on the thing he’d bought in that had them both laughing when she felt a familiar hand on her shoulder.
"Hey, sorry I’m late." Jay said as she turned to look at him. His jaw was set, but he looked good. He was covered in the freckles that he had returned with the last time but had faded by the time he shipped back out. His hair was a little longer, and his stubble had grown out to scruff. She recognised the t-shirt he wore, and it seemed a little tighter around his arms than the last time she had seen him wear it.
"It’s fine, Sam was keeping me company." Hailey told him. "I don’t know if you guys have met. Carver works with Stella over at fifty one. Sam, this is my ex, Jay. Will’s brother."
"Nice to meet you man." Carver held out his hand for Jay to shake. "Heard a lot about you."
"Can’t say the same about you." Jay said, shaking his hand. "But nice to meet you too."
Jay took the seat on the other side of Hailey and things got awkwardly quiet for a few seconds.
"Yo, Carver!" Stella called from the other end of the bar. "Please go tell Gallo that watching a YouTube video is not an adequate substitute for getting a contractor in." Carver grabbed his drink and scurried off to the table where Gallo was sat with Ritter and Violet.
"So." Jay exhaled. "Sam."
"He’s a friend." Hailey told him, answering the question on the tip of his tongue. "And, as much as he pretends not to be, he’s a good guy."
"You never mentioned him and he looks like a pretty good friend, that’s all."
"We just hang out here sometimes. It’s not a big thing." She took a sip of her drink, bracing herself for the subject change. "How was your tour?"
Hanging out with Jay was painful in a way she never anticipated. He was lighter, like the weight of the world had been taken from his shoulders. He told stories about his time in Bolivia with a wide smile plastered across his face, a smile she hadn’t seen in so long she’d almost forgotten it. He spoke about his team and a chance encounter with his ex best friend that had rekindled their close friendship after they had lost contact when Mouse (that had to be some kind of nickname) re-enlisted more than half a decade before Jay had. He talked about the good he had done and the good he was excited to get started on for the VA. There was an ease and a peace to him that threatened to tear down her carefully constructed façade of fine-ness, because he was happier than she’d ever made him and her happiness was a jenga tower balancing on a single block, threatening to topple at the slightest knock.
"What about you?" He asked, trailing off. "I feel like I’ve been doing all the talking."
"Good." She shrugged as nonchalantly as she could muster. "Work is work. Team’s the team. I’ve been hanging out here couple times a week with the guys from fifty one. Not much to report."
"That can’t be it. Come on, any good cases? Everyone doing okay?" She understand what he was asking, if Voight had reverted to his old ways and dragged her back down with him.
"Couple bigger cases, plenty of smaller ones. Nothing major of note."
"You were telling Sam something when I came in."
She raised an eyebrow. "Do you really need another Ruze kitchen disaster story? I’m pretty sure after the first few they all blend together."
She ended up telling him a little about the cases she’d worked since he left, the books she had read when she couldn’t sleep and the updates she’d had from the only one of her three brothers she still spoke to.
Every new thing she said was another knife to the gut, something Jay should have been by her side for but wasn’t because he had left her and then they had got divorced, and no matter what she had thought, what she had hoped and prayed for, they couldn’t turn back the clock to the way things had been before.
It wasn’t that she regretted the divorce. Because she didn’t. Their relationship had been too fractured, too damaged by all the secrets and lies and dealings with Voight and by the time they had realised, there had been no going back. She was glad, in a way, that they had walked away before they things had got too volatile, while they still had love for each other, no matter how hard it made it.
The point of no return had been Jay leaving. She knew that, but she also knew she wasn’t blameless. She had started the chain of events that had led to Jay falling into the role of Voight’s keeper and changing his behaviour to the point where he had needed to leave to get back to himself.
But, looking at the man in front of her, the happy, at peace man in front of her, she couldn’t bring herself to regret his leaving either. He was doing so well, and she loved him enough that that was all she wanted for him. It wasn’t his fault that what he needed was at complete odds with what she did. The last two years without him had been hell for her. She’d always known how to keep going through anything, how to put her head down and focus on putting one foot in front of the other and telling herself she was fine until she believed it. People had seen under her carefully constructed mask before, a glimpse here or there, but Jay was the only person she’d ever removed it for. She didn’t even like to take it off for herself, but for Jay she had tossed it aside and now she didn’t know how she was supposed to function without the safe space he had carved out for her.
People started to leave around midnight, and Hailey took that as their cue. She settled her tab with Stella, closely followed by Jay doing the same, and they walked out in a comfortable silence.
The autumn chill greeted them as they opened the door, making Hailey glad she had dug her winter coat out a few days before. "How are you getting home?" Jay asked once they were stood on the sidewalk.
"I’m parked around the corner." She gestured in the general direction.
"Are you sure you’re good to drive?"
"I had two drinks then switched to coke. I’m fine." She nodded. "Are you?"
"I walked." He said. "My new place is only a few blocks away."
"Oh." She said softly.
"It’s why I was late. I just moved in a few days ago, I haven’t unpacked most of my stuff yet and I couldn’t find anything." He explained. "I’m going that way anyway, walk you to your car?" She nodded and fell in step beside him, only stopping when they reached her car.
"I guess this is goodnight." He said, voice tinged with something she couldn’t quite identify.
"I guess." She nodded.
Jay swallowed. "It was good to see you. Hang out."
"Yeah." She agreed weakly. "We should do it again sometime." She kept her words vague and non committal.
"Yeah." He breathed. "Well, goodnight Hailey."
He turned to walk on and she felt herself calling out to him before she could stop and think. "Jay, you know I only want the best for you?" She blurted out.
He stopped, looking back at her stunned. "I know." He nodded after a moment. "That's all I want for you too."
"Okay." She nodded, finally opening her car door. "Goodnight Jay." She climbed in and closed the door behind her, watching him walk away in the rear view mirror before driving off.