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Despite it having been two years since the divorce and three since Jay left, Hailey often found herself looking at her left hand. Despite only wearing it for a little less than two years, the absence of the ring was always jarring when she noticed it. She’d never quite got used to the weight of it changing back to what it had been before they got married. She’d only removed it twice since he slid it on her hand in the courthouse, the first time for less than a minute before she realised it wasn’t a feeling she ever wanted to repeat. The second time had been the evening after the divorce was filed for and the ring was tucked away in a box of mementos she rarely opened.
She’d catch herself running her thumb over the inside of her finger or drumming it on a nearby surface every so often, usually when she was lost in thought. Sometimes she’d pick up the phone when she did, play with that instead as she considered what she’d say. Once in a blue moon she’d get as far as drafting a text, only to delete it before she could hit send.
She wasn’t avoiding him.
She wasn’t.
Really.
There was just always a reason she couldn’t talk when he called, couldn’t meet up when he suggested, and would have to leave hours between receiving and responding to his texts meaning they couldn’t really have a conversation.
They spoke. They were friends.
Friendly.
There was no animosity between them.
They were just two people who used to be married, ended it out of love, and had ended up on very different paths.
They still checked in every few weeks. Made sure the other was okay.
Her new apartment was a little further from work than the home she shared with Jay, meaning she had to leave earlier. She checked her phone for texts that may have arrived overnight as she left, unsurprised when she saw nothing. She was half expecting to have heard from Jay, having not been in touch with him for the better part of a month, but there was nothing. She resolved to text him by the end of the week if that continued to be the case.
The call about a domestic disturbance came in as she was driving past the street on her way to work. The cases often hit close to home for her, but she could do something about them now that she couldn't when she was in that situation, so she radioed back as responding and flicked her lights on as she pressed the gas down and turned her steering wheel towards the address.
Despite the speed at which she responded, there was no sign of a struggle. As she stopped the car and jumped out, nothing seemed amiss.
Until what was unmistakably a gunshot came from a ground floor apartment, that already had the door ajar.
She rushed towards it, grabbing her own gun from her hip.
There were three figures in the front room as she slowly pushed open the door. A tall man curled into a ball, rocking himself back and forth, and another man, hovered over the body of a young woman, all pale skin and blood soaked blonde hair, clearly trying to perform first aid on her.
"Sir, Chicago PD, is she okay?" Hailey asked, stepping inside. "We had reports of a domestic disturbance at this location. Did she get shot?"
"Yeah." The man’s familiar voice shook as he stopped mumbling quietly to the girl. "Yeah, bullet to her front left shoulder, it’s still lodged in there. There’s a lot of blood, but not as much as there should be."
"Did your friend shoot her?" She asked gently, walking around the girl’s body.
"Not on purpose." He shook his head, eyes blurry with tears. "He's her brother. I'm not sure exactly what his deal is, but he doesn't understand. He thought it was a toy."
"Jay?" Hailey said softly, coming around to the other side of the girl, putting her hand over his.
"Hai- Hailey?" He suddenly realised who he was talking to.
"What’s her status?" Hailey asked, deciding to just treat the situation like any other shooting they’d handled together. The girl was barely conscious but wheezed, as if attempting to respond for herself.
"Hanging on, she’s a fighter." Jay told her. "But she needs an ambulance."
"Okay, I’ll radio one now." She nodded, doing exactly what she said. "Okay, two minutes." She repeated what dispatch had said back to him. "What’s her name?"
"She hates her name. We all call her Buttercup. Cup." He took a deep breath in. "He's still got the gun."
"What's his name"
"Arthur."
"Arthur?" Hailey repeated, only for Jay to nod. She pushed herself up and walked over to the rocking man, seeing the gun in his hand. "Hi Arthur, my name is Hailey, I’m a police officer, and I’m going to help you." She told him softly. "For me to do that, I'm going to need you to give me what you're holding." His hand shook as he held the gun out to her. "Good." She nodded, trying to take it, only to be stopped by his iron grip. "You need to let go, Arthur."
It took a few seconds and some gentle encouragement, but Hailey managed to prise his fingers off. She disarmed the weapon and tossed it to one side as Violet and Brett burst in, taking over from Jay and loading Cup on to a gurney and into the back of the ambulance, speeding off towards Med.
A patrol unit arrived as they were leaving, and Hailey helped Arthur into the back of their car, promising he was going to be okay.
Jay had followed them out of the apartment, but sat back on the sidewalk as the car drove away. His hands were covered in the girl's blood, smearing it over his face as he put his head in his hands. Hailey sat down beside him, crossing her legs and giving him a moment before she spoke.
"I’m going to need a statement." She said. "But first, can I give you a ride to the hospital?"
Jay nodded as she guided him up by his bicep and towards the car.
The drive to the hospital was silent, Jay clearly too overwhelmed to speak. Something which continued until she handed him a coffee as he sat vigil in one of the uncomfortable waiting room chairs.
"So, I spoke to Maggie. She’s on her way to surgery, but they think she’s got a pretty good chance."
"She’s only twenty." He swallowed a sip of his drink. "She’s a kid still. I told her she couldn't handle him herself."
"How do you know her?" Hailey asked, sitting down beside him.
"She’s a vet. One of the guys in my team on our last deployment. I thought the higher ups were insane, sending me this fresh faced kid, but she’s tough. She was one of the best." He sighed. "We kept in contact after I came back, and I’ve been helping her out since her discharge a few months ago."
They sat in silence for a few moments, Hailey trying to find the words to ask for his statement.
"Did they arrest him?" Jay asked before she could.
"They did." Hailey nodded. "I don't think it'll go as far as charges though."
"Cup wouldn't want that." He said. "She loves him. Their aunt was taking care of him, but it was too much and she wanted to send him to a care home, but Cup stepped up and took him in." He shook his head. "She wasn't ready, and I told her that. She's still recovering from her amputation, and taking care of him all by herself was too much. I knew something like this would happen."
"What happened?" Hailey asked.
"He moved into her place last week, and it's been hard on both of them. She called me this morning after he found her gun safe. He was pressing the numbers at random, and she couldn't drag him away, but was scared he was going to put in the combination or trigger the combination reset. Which is exactly what happened. He was pulling the gun out when I got there. We tried to calm him down and get it off him, but he was playing with it. It was pointed at me, and Cup jumped in front of it. It's my fault. I should have done something else, tackled him or something."
Hailey covered his free hand with hers. "It wasn't your fault." She promised him as he turned to look at her. "And you got her here. That’s all that matters."
They sat in silence until Marcel came out, telling them the kid had made it through surgery like a champ.
"Bullet went through her lung and caused too much damage for us to fix, so we had to remove the top half. But it missed her heart which is the main thing." He said.
"She's going to be okay?" Jay's voice cracked.
"She's a tough cookie. It'll take some time, but in all likelihood she'll be just fine." He nodded.
"Can I see her?" Marcel gestured for them to follow, and Hailey walked Jay up to the ICU, getting him settled in the chair by Cup's bed before turning to leave and head back to the district.
As soon as she stepped out of the room, her phone rang.
"Hey." Carver said from the other end of the line. "I just got back off a call and Violet said she saw you and Jay at their GSW call earlier. I just wanted to see if everything was okay."
"Hi Sam." She smiled. "Everything’s fine. The girl is going to be okay, they think. She’s a friend of Jay’s and he was with her when it happened. I was just the responding officer and gave him a ride to the hospital."
"You want to grab a drink tomorrow night?"
"Please." She nodded, as Jay came out behind her. "I’ve got to go, but I’ll see you then."
"Who was that?" Jay asked.
"Just Sam."
"Oh, so you two are still…" He trailed off.
"He’s still a good friend. And a good drinking buddy." She bit back a smile. The obvious jealousy Jay was desperately trying to hide really shouldn’t have made her smile.
"Of course."
"Are you okay?"
He nodded. "Thought I should tell the nurse Cup's actual name."
"Probably a good idea." Hailey nodded.
"It’s Millicent, in case you need it for your report. Millicent Jones."
"Now I get why she prefers Buttercup."
"It’s what all of the guys started calling her when she joined the unit, and it kind of stuck." He sighed. "Text me, if there's anything you need for your report."
"I will."
The report didn't take very long, the patrol cops having already done a decent job. She added some details and Jay's statement, before visiting Arthur in the cells. He didn't understand what was going on, but Platt assured her that there hadn't been any problems with him and that she was npt about to let him get charged.
After work that night, Hailey found herself back at the hospital, standing outside Cup’s room. Jay sat in the arm chair, clearly barely having left all day. His hands were clean, and most of the blood had been washed off his face, but he was still wearing the same stained shirt as he had been that morning.
"How is she?" Hailey asked, causing him to startle.
"Uh, okay. They think she’ll wake up soon." He sighed. "I managed to get hold of her aunt a few hours ago. She had work, but When her shift is over she'll be on her way."
"That’s good." She nodded.
"Arthur?"
"Being held but not charged. His lawyer is trying to work something out with a residential facility." She confirmed. "Have you been home?"
He looked up at her with a small smile. "I don’t have my car, remember?"
"Right." She said. "Do you want a lift back to it?"
"No, I’m good here." He shook his head. "Thanks for the offer though."
"Here." She said, holding out her keys to him. "You’re still covered in blood. You need to go home and get changed. Maybe grab a shower. You can take my car, and I’ll wait with her until you get back."
"Are you sure?" He asked after a moment.
"Yeah."
After a moment he took the keys he was offered and stood up slowly. "Just a change of clothes. I’ll be like an hour max." He promised.
"Take as long as you need." She told him.
Jay had just text to say he was home and was going to shower after all, when the girl stirred. She started to struggle against the restraints, attempting to push herself up and fight the oxygen mask.
"Hey, you’re okay." Hailey said softly, moving to stand over her. "You’re in the hospital. The mask is because they had to remove half your lung."
"Arthur?" She gasped.
"At the police station. He's not being charged but they can't release him, so they're trying to figure something out."
"Halstead?" She croaked.
"He’ll be back soon, I sent him home to shower and change. I’m Hailey, I’m a friend of his and I was the responding officer."
"Hailey?"
"Yeah, I’m Hailey."
"Wife Hailey?"
"Yeah, we used to be married." She sighed. Hailey didn’t know what Cup knew about her, but from the look on her face it probably wasn’t anything good. The girl looked at her strangely, half with a mournful sadness and half like Hailey had committed some unforgivable atrocity. "We’re friends now." She added weakly.
After the oxygen mask was swapped for a nasal tube, Hailey could see why Jay liked Cup so much. The kid was funny, incredibly quick witted. She obviously cared fiercely about her brother and Jay, having an apparent dislike for her on principle. She spoke to the doctor in one word answers, obviously trying not to show she was scared about what had happened or how much pain she was in, but was clearly relieved when she was told she was going to be okay. She filled the silence after he left, talking about nothing in particular at a hundred miles a minute.
"You’re awake." Jay appeared in the doorway.
"Apparently I’ve got you to thank for that." She replied. "Just couldn’t let me handle things on my own. Go on, you can say you told me so."
"I would never. And you were the one who called me for help." He shook his head softly and turned serious. "I’m glad you’re okay Buttercup."
"Thank you." She whispered.
"I’ll leave you two to it." Hailey said, pushing herself up from the chair.
"Thank you for this." Jay said, pressing her keys back into her hand.
"Of course." She nodded. "I’ll text you soon, and we’ll go for a drink?" She was never the one suggesting they meet, so it took a few seconds for him to process what she’d said and respond.
"Yeah." He nodded. "Yeah, that’d be good."
"Okay. Then I’ll see you soon." She turned back towards the bed. "Hope you feel better soon kid."
The next few days passed slowly. She drank with Sam two nights in a row, dragging Torres along with her the second night. The kid was perceptive and had noticed something was off with her, and as he always did when he noticed, he had invited her to the gym after work. She’d turned the invitation back on him and driven them both to Molly’s.
She’d text Jay twice, in the morning before leaving for work, but both times had been ignored. She supposed he had a lot on his plate and even if he could have responded, she deserved a taste of her own medicine.
So it was a surprise to come home to him on her doorstep three days after she’d said goodbye to him in the hospital.
"Jay?" She asked as she rounded the corner to her apartment to see him stood outside, a bottle of whiskey in hand.
"Uh, hey." He said, almost like he wasn’t actually expecting to see her.
"What are you doing here? Is Buttercup…?"
"Fine. Her aunt is with her. And she's apparently sick of my face." He laughed halfheartedly, before he dug a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and held it up with his free hand. "I came here under strict instructions."
She took the note and opened it out, only to see the phrase Talk to her dumbass written in shaky handwriting she knew wasn’t his. The words talk and her had been underlined several times each, making the stress on those two words clear.
"So, we’re going to talk?" She asked.
"If that’s okay with you." He nodded. "Cup kind of gave me an earful after you left the other day, and it made me realise we never actually talked about anything. I bought whiskey so we can do the thing that used to work if that’ll help?" He held up the bottle.
"I think we need to be sober for this." She unlocked the door and let them both in. As Jay stood behind her, unsure what to do, she realised he’d never been to her apartment before. She hadn’t let him help her move out of their shared home, and she’d never invited him over since. She guessed it was strange, seeing pieces of their old home transplanted into somewhere unfamiliar. Their chairs next to her couch, picture frames they’d picked out together holding new photos.
"Take a seat." She gestured, hanging her bag up and removing her coat as Jay walked over to the couch, putting the bottle down on the coffee table as he sat. She followed behind, sitting on the armchair closest to the edge of the couch he chose, keeping them separate.
They sat in silence for a few moments, Hailey severely regretting turning down the drink, before Jay spoke.
"I’m sorry." The words were simple but heavy, and they hit her right in the stomach. "I never apologised for leaving. And I’m sorry. For leaving and not saying it sooner."
"It’s what you needed." She tried to deflect. "Jay, every time we spoke you were doing better. You don’t have to apologise for that."
"I think we both know I do." The silence settled back over them.
"I’m sorry too." She said. "I shut down and gave up on us because of my own stuff, and that wasn’t fair on you."
"Why did you give up?"
"With all the extensions, it felt like you’d finally realised you were too good for me. And while you were gone, something happened that made me accept our marriage was over."
"What happened?"
"Not important."
"Hailey." He begged. "I need to know. Please."
His pleading broke the resolve she had. "You remember that time you were out of the wire and you came back to a bunch of messages from Torres asking if you’d heard from me?" She sighed. "And when you called I told you it was because I was supposed to meet him but went to see a CI instead without telling him and it took longer than I expected?"
"Yeah, I remember." He nodded. "The whole thing was weird."
"That's because it wasn’t the whole story. The CI and I, we were kidnapped in the middle of our meeting. He’d stolen some money for his girlfriend, they wanted it back. They held me for eighteen hours. They cut off his hand, and were about to cut off mine too when he started fighting them and got shot. He died, and I pretended I knew where the money was, so they loaded me in the trunk of their car. I managed to make them crash and got myself out. I was back at the district twelve hours before you came back under the wire, and it hit me that I nearly died and you didn’t even know about it." She took a deep breath to steady herself, staring forward instead of at him so she didn’t have to see the hurt on his face. His gaze burning into her was enough.
"You didn't know and if I didn't tell you, you were never going to. I felt so alone." She continued after a moment. "And I realised I’d been feeling that alone for a while, that it didn’t feel like we were married or that you even cared about me anymore. It hit me I didn't want to tell you that I'd nearly died because it wouldn't have meant anything to you. I loved you, but realising that made it feel over." She breathed out slowly. "And when you came back, you were doing so well and you wanted us to pick right back up where we left off, and I just couldn’t do that. It was like we were fighting to stay together when neither of us actually wanted the relationship we had. I was hurt and angry, and you didn’t seem to get why. That you’d done that to me. I didn’t want a divorce, I loved you so much, but you didn't want to fix anything and I couldn’t stay in our marriage like that."
"Hailey." He breathed.
It didn't stop her. She was finally letting out the feelings she had barely admitted to herself for the last three years, and now the floodgates had opened she couldn't stop herself. "And I know, I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. That you didn’t want me to feel like that. But that kind of made it worse in a way. Because if you could hurt me that badly unintentionally, what would it be like when I did something to deserve it? And after the divorce, every time I saw you you were so fucking happy. I couldn’t do that for you, so I know that it was the right choice, no matter how much it hurt me. How much I’m still hurting from it." She let out a wet chuckle, but her heart wasn’t in it. "Now that I’ve said all that, I think I could use that drink." She pushed herself up to walk towards the kitchen, but Jay caught her wrist as she passed him.
His grip was loose, and she could easily have shaken it, but the shock of it kept her rooted to the spot. He looked up at her, with tear tracks down his cheeks that matched her own.
"You don’t really think any of that?" He asked, his voice broken.
"I do." She nodded. That was all he needed to let go of her, putting his face in his hands and falling forwards, folding in on himself. He let out a loud sob that shook his entire body, and all Hailey could do was stand in place, frozen.
Time stood still for a moment before she regained the ability to move.
She continued towards the kitchen, letting him cry while she made the choice to forgo the whiskey glasses, instead brewing two mugs of steaming tea as she steadied herself.
She set one down in front of Jay as he sat back up, his eyes red and raw from all the tears he’d shed. Instead of sitting back in the armchair, she sat beside him. She wasn't sure why she made that choice, but as she did so it felt like a step in the right direction.
"Thank you." His voice cracked. He took a sip. "I’m sorry about that. It’s been a hard week with everything, and that… hearing that would have been a lot even if it hadn’t."
"It’s okay."
"I guess it’s my turn now, huh?" He asked. "Hailey, the reason I was doing so well after the divorce was because I was having counselling."
"What?" That hadn’t been what she was expecting.
"Yeah. I only redeployed because I couldn’t stay in Chicago and not be with you. I was a wreck, everyone could see it. And the chaplain on our base, he was a trained counsellor. I was meeting with him, talking about everything that I was feeling, most days. My team, they rallied around me, let me talk to them on days the chaplain was busy. They saw how hard the divorce was on me. Which is why you might have got the impression the other day that Cup didn’t like you very much."
"Yeah, I got that."
"She, uh, she gave me the push to talk to you. Said that seeing us together proved there was still a lot we needed to talk about. She actually reminded me a lot of you when I met her. She was like a kid sister to everyone, but that’s one of the reasons we got so close. Because she was easy to talk to, just like you always were. But, yeah. The reason I was doing so well was because being out there was what I needed and I was getting the counselling." He took a deep breath. "I’m still in counselling now, and I’m just about to qualify as peer counsellor for the VA. A lot of work has gone in to me being this okay."
"I didn’t know." She covered his hand with hers.
"I didn’t want you to. I thought I deserved it, and I didn’t want you to feel guilty for moving on." He sighed, turning his hand over and lacing their finger together. "When I saw you again after I got back, I really wanted tell you everything, to ask you for another chance. But you looked so happy with him, that I couldn’t do that to you. So I pretended I was okay, and that I was happy for you. But you moving on with some other guy, telling me how great he is, it kills me." He seemed to realise what their hands were doing, and pulled his away slowly.
"Jay, Sam is just my friend." She assured him, taking his hand back and holding it in both of hers. "He’s my friend because we’re both screwed up in similar ways and we get it. There’s never been anything more than that."
"Really?"
"I mean, he flirts with me, but we both know I’m way too in love with my ex husband for anything to happen."
"You are?" Jay breathed. They had inched closer together, so that her thigh was pressed against his, and she could bring herself to separate them.
"Of course I am." She told him. "You’re the love of my life, remember?"
"I never wanted to hurt you. You have to know that everything I did, leaving, was so I didn’t hurt you. When I left, I was so sure I would hurt you if I stayed that it seemed like the right thing to do."
"I wish you’d talked to me." Her chest was against his arm and her heart was pounding so loudly she was surprised he didn’t seem to hear it.
"I wish that too." He swallowed. "You know I love you? I have for a really long time, and it’s never changed. And you will never, ever, deserve to get hurt. And I promise I will do my best to make sure it never happens again, if you let me." The gap between them closed, as if they were about to kiss, when she stopped as their mouths were an inch apart.
"I want to." She breathed as their foreheads rested together. "I can’t tell you how much I want that. But I don’t think I’m ready for that." She pulled back slightly, before resting her head on his shoulder. "I’m sorry."
He shook his head softly. "Don’t be. I’ll wait. As long as you need."
"Maybe you don’t have to." She looked up at him. "Maybe we could try couples’ counselling?"
His wide smile was a stark contrast to his red and blotchy, tear stained cheeks. "Yeah. Yeah, I think that’s a really good idea."
She rested her head back against his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her as they sunk into the couch. Curled up against Jay, hearing the steady beat of his heart, was the first time Hailey had felt at home in three years.