Work Text:
A Definition of Eternity.
“Infinite or Unending Time”
“What the…?” Started Serena. Catching hold of the living room door handle to steady herself as she nearly jumped out of her skin. While trying to regain some composure, which was difficult in her very inebriated state, she watched as Bernie casually unfurled herself from her favourite armchair by the window. There was an open bottle of whiskey and a partially empty glass on the side table next to the chair where Bernie placed her Kindle as she stood up. Pulling her shoulders back before looking directly at Serena.
“You asked me to wait…I promised eternity…Unending time.” Bernie explained evenly. She had originally come back to the house to collect her things. Intending to be holed-up in a hotel long before her (now) former partner came home. But as she had been throwing her things haphazardly into her suitcase. Military precision be damned. She had concluded that once again, she had allowed Serena to throw a grenade at their relationship, without putting up even the smallest fight. Without making herself and her feelings heard. She had walked away with a sloppy salute and a pained smile. So, she had stopped her packing, changed into more comfortable clothes, and ensconced herself in the armchair with an excellent single malt and a good book. Waiting for Serena to return.
“Why are you…? Serena’s eyes drew together in adorable confusion. The door she gripped by the handle swaying gently backwards and forwards.
Bernie smiled softly. She itched to steady Serena and help her to bed. Hold her close.
“Sitting here reading at three in the morning?” she questioned.
Serena sighed. Not a put-upon sigh. An unguarded sigh. The one that contained something like awe or…dare Bernie hope… happiness “I didn’t think I’d see you again.”
Bernie tried to maintain eye contact, but it was almost impossible to keep track of Serena’s glassy, unfocused gaze. She spoke quietly but firmly, “I need to have a real conversation with you Serena. I don’t want to walk away from us without at least honestly telling you how I feel.”
She shuffled her feet, briefly looking down at them. She smiled. She hadn’t realised she was wearing Serena’s slippers. Looking back up she explained “I stayed tonight because I wasn’t sure I’d be brave enough to come back tomorrow.” She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “And walking away before we’ve sat down and talked properly, just felt wrong to me.”
Serena moved away from the swaying door. She was starting to look a little green. Dropping herself onto the overstuffed sofa, she slurred sadly, “We have talked Bernie. We agreed. We’re just not the right sort of manimaul…mani…” She flapped her arms uselessly, “Oh, you know what we said.”
Bernie moved towards her partner (ex? Not if she could help it) “Go to bed love. I’ll bring you up a glass of water and some paracetamol.” She offered her hand and pulled Serena up from the sofa. Her balance being impeded meant that Serena fell into Bernie’s arms. She briefly nuzzled her neck before she realised that she couldn’t do that anymore and tried to straighten herself up.
“I think I mish be sofa on the safer!” Serena pronounced in a breathy huff. She smiled sloppily, looking up at Bernie, “I do…I do’slove you.”
Ignoring the soused declaration, Bernie slid her own arm around Serena’s waist, and slung Serena’s arm around her neck. “Come on, I’ll help you upstairs.” She really did not fancy a trip to the hospital tonight and Serena was likely to do herself an injury if left to her own devices.
The trip up the stairs was made more difficult by the fact that Serena was nodding off, even as she walked, to the point Bernie was taking most of her weight. “Good job I’m a Big Macho Army Medic.” She murmured to herself as she manoeuvred her precious cargo into the bedroom. She whipped back the duvet on the side of her bed closest to her and gently deposited Serena onto the mattress. She pulled her shoes off and undid the top button on her trousers, so she would be a little more comfortable, eased her onto her side and covered her with the duvet. Unable to resist, she placed a kiss on Serena’s forehead. “I love you too.” She whispered as she turned out the light and left the room.
After checking everywhere was locked-up downstairs and placing the promised water and paracetamol by Serena’s bedside, Bernie took herself into Jason’s old room and got ready for bed. Tomorrow, she was going to try to metaphorically shake sense into Serena. Slippers, bins and swings…she thought. How can they be reasons to throw away what they had. She had a lot to say about their break-up conversation and she was ready to fight.
Part 2
“Did you put me to bed last night?”
Bernie turned around at the sound of Serena’s pained, croaky voice and shuffling feet. She had changed into a pair of leggings and an oversized ‘teddy bear’ fleece. Her hair had moved in about every direction possible during sleep. And her hands were dug deep into the pockets of the fleece. Bernie instantly felt a wave of affection wash over her.
“Yes…How’s the head?” She asked, matter-of-factly as she pulled an empty mug towards her and filled it with coffee.
Serena flopped down into the kitchen chair and winced. “Feels like a chorus of Elephants are tap dancing with jack hammers up there.”
“Ouch” Bernie smirked slightly at the image as she passed over the filled mug.
“Thanks.” Serena sipped gratefully at the brew. “The paracetamol and water were very welcome when I woke up too.”
As she smeared black cherry jam over her second piece of toast, Bernie looked across the table and smiled softly. “All part of the service...Do you want something to eat?”
She couldn’t help the tiny chuckle that escaped as Serena paled and gulped audibly at the question.
She looked up and groaned “Maybe later.” She took another fortifying sip of the strong coffee. As Bernie got up from her seat, Serena frowned. “You’re wearing my slippers.” She remarked. Two small frown lines deepening between her eyes.
Bernie shrugged nonchalantly. “Just trying them on for size.” She opened the fridge to grab the small carton of cream. A little treat to add to her strong, hot coffee. “I’d need a harder sole, if I was to take the bins out in them.” She smiled.
Serena screwed her face up in confusion. Her shiraz stifled brain trying to remember the details of their conversation yesterday. As realisation dawned, she adopted a haughty air. “Well, can I have them back please?”
Bernie sat back down and slipped the black slippers with small leopard print pom-poms off her feet and kicked them gently towards Serena.
They drank their coffee in silence for a short while and Bernie finished her toast.
After a last fortifying sip of coffee, Bernie decided to gently poke the elephant in the room. “I need to nip out for a couple of hours, but I don’t want to go if you’re not going to be here when I get back.”
Serena arched her eyebrow and replied in an ominous tone “Ah yes, you want to talk.” She sighed. Her hangover making her clutch her head.
Bernie did not rise to the tone. She had met shirazzed Serena many times before. “I do…So? Will you still be here?”
“Bernie, I really don’t think…”
“Will you still be here?” Bernie asked firmly as she stood from the table. She took her breakfast things and quickly loaded them into the dishwasher.
“Yes, I’ll be here…And I’ll have my listening ears all cleaned out and ready to put on.” Was Serena’s caustic response as she cupped her hands around her ears, sarcastically emphasising her point.
Bernie tried not to feel too guilty for taking a small amount of pleasure in the seeing Serena trying to supress a wince. “Good. See you later.” She hesitantly placed her hand on Serena’s shoulder as she paused on her way to the door.
Automatically, Serena covered Bernie’s hand with her own. “Yes.” She said quietly. Bernie questioned whether the slight squeeze she felt was in her imagination.
(Goes out to collet her thoughts and goes to the jewellers – eternity ring)
Part 3
Bernie arrived back at Serena’s house a couple of hours later. Hanging her coat up and slipping off her boots, she called out to let Serena know she was home.
She wandered into the kitchen and saw Serena had had a shower and changed into a pair of navy jeans and a soft, teal coloured jumper and her light grey water-fall cardigan. On her feet were the slippers she had taken back from Bernie earlier on.
Serena turned from the kitchen counter and smiled at Bernie. She handed her a cup of coffee. Shuffling a little, she took a sip of her own coffee before looking at Bernie with a sad smile.
“I know you want to talk Bernie. But I thought we sorted everything out yesterday…” She began. “This is…it’s painful enough, without us sitting here and dissecting everything.” Her voice was small, pained, and Bernie just wanted to gather her up in her arms.
“No dissecting…I just have a few things that I need to say, and I need you to hear…Not just listen to…actually hear.” Bernie explained gently. The head of steam that had propelled her to stay and fight the night before had dissipated and all she wanted was a frank conversation. One which she hoped might have a happy outcome.
“I’m not the one with the crappy communication skills darling.” Serena sniped. Her vulnerability of just seconds ago replaced with Serena Campbell, the fierce and fearless vascular surgeon.
As though a switch had flipped, Bernie’s ire returned as she countered gruffly. “No, you break us up out of guilt and convince yourself it’s for the best.”
Serena scoffed indignantly and glared. “You make me sound like a martyr.”
“Aren’t you?” Bernie asked as she took a seat at the kitchen table and put her mug down with a little more force that intended. Coffee sloshed over the rim and trickled down her hand.
“If you’re just going to insult me…” Serena started as she threw a tea towel towards the table.
Bernie caught the flying cloth and wiped her hands, then around and underneath her cup as she spoke a little more gently. “That’s not my intention…I am prepared to fight for us…but I don’t want to row…I want us to talk. Properly.”
Serena sighed, “I need some fresh air.” She lifted her mug. “Should we take these outside?”
Bernie nodded. Quick to grasp the tenuous olive branch from Serena, “I’ll grab our coats.”
When she re-entered the kitchen, Serena had already gone through the French doors and was sitting on the angled love seat on the patio. The choice of seat was not lost on Bernie as the small, attached table in the middle of the seat meant that they were not able to sit to closely but the angle this created meant that they could look at each other.
She shrugged on her coat, grabbed a box of matches from the ‘clutter’ drawer and seeing Serena had taken her mug as well as her own, she headed outside to join her.
Serena startled when Bernie draped her winter coat over her shoulders. She had brought the warm down filled one rather than her lovely but not nearly as cosy woollen work coat. As Serena wrapped the coat around her, Bernie lit the small paraffin patio heater.
“That should keep us warm enough for a bit.” Bernie said as she took her seat and lifted her mug of coffee from the small table to take a sip.
She took another sip and observed Serena for a moment. She looked beautiful with the cool winter sunlight shining around her. Her silvery hair looked luminous where the suns rays caught it and she was smiling softly as she watched a robin flutter between the bird table, the washing line and the fence as though playing a little game. After a few moments she turned her attention to Bernie who took a deep breath before starting to speak.
“I love you…I just want to get that out there first…I love you and I want to be with you and love you for the rest of my life.” Openly saying those three little words was easy when she was talking with Serena because she felt them in the very depths of her soul. Thanks to her ingrained Britishness, they still came with a little flush of colour to her throat and cheeks, but she didn’t care. It had taken her whole life to say them and mean them with a strength and profundity she had honestly thought she was incapable of.
Serena exhaled a slow breath, the warm air pluming and spiralling upwards as it met the crisp winter atmosphere. “Bernie…Us loving each other isn’t the problem…You are the greatest love of my life…We just want different things out of a relationship…We’re not compatible.” Serena’s eyes were imploring as she looked at her love.
Bernie shook her head, “What do you want from our relationship.” She tried to keep exasperation out of her tone, but up until a couple of days ago she had thought she and Serena were on the same page all be it on different continents. But now it felt like they had spent months working from different books.
Serena’s hands flew upwards and then flopped uselessly into her lap as she obviously tried and failed to find the words to articulate her feelings. “More.”
When she didn’t elaborate, Bernie asked, “More what? I am trying to understand Serena. I really am.” She stopped herself from speaking. Deciding that giving Serena a bit of silence in which to gather her thoughts might be more conducive to a productive conversation.
“More everything.” Serena stopped. She pondered a moment. She had the look of someone wondering whether to open completely or to hold back. The micro-movements of her features told Bernie a whole war was being waged internally. She was therefore relieved when Serena started to speak again and had seemingly opted for candour “I want to work with you again…or at least work in the same time zone and close enough so that we can be at home together at night…Go to bed together each night…Go for walks I pretend to hate on the weekend…See Jason and Greta and Guinevere for Sunday lunch…” She stopped as her voice cracked. “To be a real couple…to bicker about who does the dishes…To make love wherever and whenever we want to just because we’re in love and lust with each other….” She stopped as she appeared to run out of steam.
Bernie reached out a hand to Serena and was relieved when she took it, “I offered that…didn’t I? I quit my job. Said I would move back here, so we could start again, properly. Give ourselves a real chance.”
“It’d never work Bernie…At some point you’re going to be itching to get back to some far-flung destination…I won’t be enough for you…Pushing Guinevere on the swings…Taking out the bins…All the mundanity of a ‘normal’ life will eat at you until you resent it all.”
Bernie drew her hand back and placed it on her lap. Her gaze moving away from Serena’s “You don’t think very much of me, do you?” She said quietly. A deeply felt sadness creeping into her words.
Serena gasped at the statement, “Wha…Bernie I…Of course I do…You know I do.” She tried to reach for Bernie’s hands, but the small table obstructed her.
Bernie needed to clear her thoughts for a moment, so she drained her cup and stood up. “I need another one of these…Do you?”
Serena handed Bernie her cup with a nod. “Bernie I’m…”
Bernie gave a wan smile. “I just need a minute that’s all…Are you warm enough?”
Serena nodded and returned the weak smile.
While she was alone in the kitchen Bernie allowed a few tears to fall. This was the most important conversation of her life, and she was terrified because for all Serena’s honesty, she could feel the woman she loved slipping away from her. She spooned instant into their mugs then as the kettle continued to boil, she nipped into the hall and grabbed something from her bag. It was time to bring out the big guns, if she were to stand any chance of holding onto Serena Wendy Campbell.
With renewed determination, she sloshed boiling water into the two mugs, gave them a quick stir and then carried them outside. Placing Serena’s next to her elbow as she re-took her seat and wrapped her hands around the hot, thick ceramic.
As soon as Bernie sat, Serena started to speak. “I’m sorry Bernie…I honestly…I think the world of you, you know that. But you’re a maverick…you thrive in situations most people would shrink away from…If I hadn’t cheated on what we had, you’d still be out there waiting for the next adrenaline fuelled trauma hit…And you’re a brilliant surgeon…Making you come home to me…fettering you to me…it would be like clipping a brilliant, beautiful, rare birds wings…I won’t do that to you…I won’t”
Bernie growled. “Right Serena Wendy Campbell, that’s enough…I’m not some beautiful, rare bird that you’d be preventing from flying…I’m a normal, fallible, human being.” She turned in her seat so that she could face Serena more easily. “When we met, I was a locum surgeon bouncing around different departments filling in and clashing with just about everyone…I went home at night, fed-up, to a husband I didn’t really know anymore and two resentful kids who expected me to suddenly behave like Maria Von Trapp…You befriended me initially…forgave me eventually…and you became my best friend almost overnight.”
She took a deep breath and a hearty slurp of her coffee to wet her suddenly very dry mouth. “Then after a few false starts” She held her hand up “Which I’m aware were caused by my reticence…we got together…We’d already fallen in love.” She squeezed Serena’s hand. “My point is that the person you fell in love with wasn’t someone who was chasing trauma surgeries in far-flung destinations as compensation for a lost army career…it was someone who had divorced her husband…obliterated her relationship with her kids…but who was laying down roots in Holby…who was thriving in AAU with the trauma bay and working alongside you every day.” She looked beseechingly into Serena’s eyes, which were glassy with tears and prayed she was getting through to her.
Bernie kept hold of Serena’s hand as she dug around in her pocket. When she placed a small, quite tattered, black velvet box with a tiny, dirty brass hook and eye closing onto the table, Serena gasped quietly. She eyed the box, looked up at Bernie and then back to the box. “Is that…”
Bernie gently pulled her hand from Serena’s grasp so that she could open the box. “It can mean whatever you want it to mean.” She started. “I hope one day it might be engagement but if that’s too much for now…it can be what it is…My Great-Grandma’s eternity ring, that I want you to have as an unmistakeable confirmation of my commitment to you.” She took the ring out of the box. The small dark red ruby, with two smaller but exquisitely cut diamonds either side of it glinted in the sunlight. “I pledged eternity months ago but we both forgot that eternity will be infinitely better if we’re together.” She held the ring out towards Serena. Serena watched as Bernie’s wide, closed mouth smile spread across her face. “You put it on whatever finger you like…just please be sure…If you wear it…You’re stuck with me forever.”
Serena took the ring from Bernie’s fingers. Her hands were shaking as she put it on the third finger of her left hand. “Eternity sounds perfect to me.” Her voice trembled as she spoke, and tears were running freely over her cheeks. “We can document it with a registrar in the not-too-distant future if you’d like to?”
Bernie moved to kneel in front of her love and leaned towards her. Serena met her as their noses touched in a gentle ‘kiss,’ seconds before their lips collided to seal their commitment.
Eternity = “Infinite or Unending Time”