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Regulus didn't know exactly when he started writing; it was so long ago, but today, he was glad he did. These days, it seemed the only way he could express himself without judgment was through writing. Regulus knew his friends would never judge him; they would listen and try to aid him as best they could, but a small and insecure part of him knew they would eventually tire of him and his problems.
Regulus didn't know when it all went wrong, when his mother's seemingly gentle caress turned into the tight gripping of hair, or when her gentle sloping smile turned into angry snarls and a foaming mouth that was quick to cut deeper than touch ever could. He can't remember when his heart started trying to escape his chest at the sight of her, when he would once be relieved knowing everything was ok with her mere presence.
He can't remember when Sirius' eyes, once shining brightly, died and dulled. He can't remember when Sirius' joyful and playful nature was beaten into submission, becoming a meager monstrosity of hurt and resignation. He couldn't remember when his brother, who once loved him so beautifully and openly, had it repeatedly thrown in his face by someone who deemed it insignificant.
He can't remember when his father's soothing presence turned overbearing and cold. He can't remember when their fathers' job of protecting and nurturing them turned into isolation and resentment.
He can't remember when their home, once so full of gleeful laughter, turned eerily silent and full of despair. He can't remember when their parents began to loathe them for being kids when they once adored them for it.
There are many things that Regulus can't remember. He can't remember if his parents ever showed an ounce of care for him and Sirius. He can't remember ever being gently held, only longing for it.
He can't remember ever physically protecting Sirius, only thinking of how he could and did in roundabout ways. He can't remember if he was ever a shoulder that Sirius could lean on. Regulus can't remember when he started longing for and imagining a warmth that was never there; only Sirius ever managed to give him some comfort, but even his love eventually died out.
And worst of all, Regulus can't remember when exactly he managed to turn out just like his parents, hateful and cold.
There is, however, one crucial moment in his life that he will never forget, the night that Sirius left and abandoned him, not deeming him worthy enough to take along. How could he? How could he leave him alone in that dark place that would always try to kill him if the opportunity arose?
Regulus would have never left him behind. Had it been Regulus, he would have forced his brother up and through the chimney with the floo powder in his hand. He would have tended to Sirius' wounds and taken him somewhere safe, where he could be at peace.
At least, that's what Regulus wants to believe. Regulus knew he would never have the courage to flee - he would never be able to escape. And hadn't Regulus already abandoned his brother? Hadn't Regulus betrayed Sirius the minute he chose to save his skin? Not once did Regulus move to shield his brother. Regulus never did, not even when Sirius pleaded for the torture to stop, the pain being too much.
Instead, Regulus would freeze, not moving a muscle when their mother's eyes turned to him.
Regulus hated himself - if only he hadn't been so weak, maybe he would still have a brother.
Deciding that he needed to vent, Regulus made his way to the room of requirement. Regulus loved the hidden room; it was a haven of sorts, and he never had to be someone he wasn't when he was there.
Having adapted to Regulus, the room was a beautiful light green, with an open ceiling that allowed him to look up at the night sky and gaze at his favorite star. There was a cozy-looking nook with a floor-to-ceiling window surrounded by books and a small coffee table. A black grand piano stood in the center of the room with musical instruments hung on a wall.
A couch with the softest-looking pillows was near the entrance - one could fall asleep at the sight of it, surrounding a coffee table stacked with journals and quills.
It was beautifully tranquil. Regulus couldn't have been happier that something this beautiful reflected his soul. As Regulus made his way to the piano, he couldn't help but smile softly as he heard a soft meow near the entrance. As Regulus turned to look, a black tuxedo cat, a frequent visitor, greeted him.
"Have you come to hear me play again?" A meow was all he got in response, but it was enough for Regulus to make his way to the piano and start playing, fiddling with the keys as he gathered his wits.
---
Unbeknownst to Regulus, a mischievous group of friends had followed after him, convinced he was up to no good. Having snuck in behind Regulus while the door was ajar, they were amazed that the room didn't change as they entered.
"Regulus plays the piano? Since when?"
"James, every pureblood knows how to play the piano."
"Even you, Sirius?"
"Obviously. I've got magic fingers, after all."
"Shhh, he's starting to play."
"Sorry, Moony."
"Sorry, Moony."
You were riding your bike to the sound of "It's no big deal."
And you're trying to lift off the ground on those old two wheels.
Regulus didn't know how Sirius survived in Grimmauld Place. How would Sirius be able to repeatedly get up after being beaten, not uttering a word about the pain? It was pathetic how different they were. Regulus would writhe in pain, even if his parents were no longer in the room.
---
The group of friends could only stare in awe at Regulus. His voice was so soothing, the piano a lullaby. The marauders wondered how long ago Regulus began to sing.
Sirius couldn't help but reminisce about his childhood. Playing in the garden with Regulus was one of his favorite pastimes. Sirius could remember teaching Regulus how to ride a bike, and whenever they fell, he would say, "It's no big deal." Every time Sirius rode the bike, he would look up at the sky as if it held all the answers.
They had planned their entire future out together. They would live together and eat whatever they wanted. They wouldn't be under their parents' command. They could talk as loud as they wanted and laugh as hard as they wished. They could make noise and not sneak around, and most importantly, they would never be in pain again, not if they had each other.
---
Nothing about the way that you were treated ever seemed especially alarming until now.
So you tie up your hair and you smile like it's no big deal.
If Regulus was honest, he only started to think what their parents were doing was wrong when he saw a little Muggle girl fall and scrape her knee, and her parents rushing towards her to comfort her. It was a tiny scrape, only a slight hint of blood could be seen, yet the girls' parents weren't angry; they were worried. At the sight, Regulus touched his own scraped elbow and knew he was going to get punished for it.
Was it not normal for parents to shout at their children for injuring themselves?
---
"Is this...?"
"Yeah. Yeah, prongs, I think it is."
Sirius could only watch his brother play the piano, wondering when Reggie would finally notice that their parents didn't love them. Was it the constant use of crucio? The slapping of fingers when they played the wrong keys of the piano? Was it the days of hunger they had whenever they misspoke and had their mouths cursed shut? Or was it when Regulus, little Regulus, who was practically a baby, had his body covered in bruises? Was it when Sirius, a toddler, stepped up to take on the parental role for Regulus and proved he could do a much better job?
Sirius remembers tying his hair up after every crucio and beating to wash his blood-soaked face with a tiny Regulus worrying beside him. Sirius remembers smiling at the pain and promising that nothing hurt. He was just dirty and had to clean up.
Looking at Regulus now, Sirius wondered when his little brother began to care.
---
You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
And not invite your family, 'cause they never showed you love
Regulus wouldn't blame Sirius if he never spoke to him again.
Regulus himself hadn't made any effort to communicate with Sirius, but Regulus could see the mournful look sent his way. It was better to leave Sirius alone to lower the chances of his parents going after him again, so Regulus let it be.
---
"Padfoot..."
"It's alright, prongs. I'm doing better now."
"Sirius... We can leave if it gets to be too much."
"It is ok. I can handle it. I want to see this through." Sirius couldn't help but smile bitterly. Sirius knew his parents didn't love him; hell, they didn't even love Regulus, and he was the favorite. How was Sirius supposed to "let it go?" How could he possibly let go of his trauma? How could he brush it aside as if it never happened? Sirius knew he never wanted to see their parents again. Sirius could let them go, but how could he let go of his baby brother, whom he loved most?
Even when Regulus, no, Reggie, never showed it outright, he loved Sirius. Sirius would not be so quick to forget that. Sirius practically raised that kid; no one, not even Walburga, would make him forget that.
---
You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up
All Regulus ever wished for was for Sirius to make it out of Grimmauld and live a long and happy life, even if Regulus himself would still be abused. Regulus just wanted his brother to be happy.
Was that too much to ask for?
---
James and Remus couldn't help but worry for Sirius because here was his little brother, who he thought was just like their parents, saying that he shouldn't be sorry for leaving.
James saw Regulus in a new light. It was as if something had changed because all he felt for the raven now was tenderness.
Sirius felt as though the world had come to a standstill. Reggie wanted him to leave and doesn't blame him for it. Sirius had never wanted anything more than to get out from under the cloak and hug his brother as he did now. Tears welled up in Sirius's eyes, his nose growing stuffy as he looked up at the ceiling, trying not to cry.
"Aww, pads."
"Shut it, Moony. I'm not emotional. You are."
---
Matilda, you talk of the pain like it's all alright
But I know that you feel like a piece of you's dead inside
You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days
It's none of my business, but it's just been on my mind
Regulus knew a piece of Sirius had died in Grimmauld and never made it out, but Sirius was finally starting to heal, and that would be enough for Regulus to forgive himself for not protecting his brother.
---
Sob.
" Oh, come here, you big baby."
"Moony." Called out a crying Sirius.
" I know. I know." Comforted, Remus.
"Who's Matilda?" Asked a confused James.
"Prongs, it's no one. I am sure that it is just a stand-in name for Sirius."
Sirius could get help but wonder if something was wrong with him. Why was he so emotional? It's just a silly little song, and does Sirius even have the right to approach Reggie and reconcile? Sirius was quick to maintain his distance from his brother since he left. Would Reggie take it well if he suddenly tried popping back into his life?
You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
And not invite your family, 'cause they never showed you love
You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up
James knew that Sirius would never return to Grimmauld, but if Regulus were being threatened, then Sirius wouldn't hesitate to go back home.
James had heard so much about Regulus from Sirius that he couldn't wait to meet him when he started his first year at Hogwarts, but the little brother he had heard about in the stories wasn't the same.
The boy James was looking at was beautiful; his hair was soft-looking and wonderfully curly, but his face was stoic, and his eyes were sad. James would never forget the moment when Regulus' eyes lit up at the sight of his brother, who was behind James, and they were introduced. Regulus wouldn't call him by his first name, opting instead to call him 'Potter'; yet James thought it sounded beautiful coming from Regulus.
In the days to come, Regulus would be snarky, but James enjoyed his presence nonetheless; he wanted the little mind games and remarks. Never once did James think to offer Regulus the same helpful hand he and his family provided to Sirius, not even after knowing how Sirius was treated.
What was wrong with him? Why hadn't he helped Regulus? Was Regulus not as important to him as Sirius? No, that couldn't be it because, after their first meeting and rare days of interacting, James would never forget about Regulus.
---
You can see the world, following the seasons
Anywhere you go, you don't need a reason
' Cause they never showed you loved
You don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own
You're just in time, make your tea and your toast
You framed all your posters and dyed your clothes, ooh
Regulus wondered whether or not Sirius had decorated his dorm as he had his room, with posters of Muggle bands and the occasionally erotically dressed women, and felt a warmth grow in his chest at the thought of his brother being able to express himself freely without being dreadfully reprimanded.
To this day, there were still posters in his brother's room that Mother had not been able to tear; Sirius truly was a genius when he wanted to be, not to mention his choice of wardrobe, which had nearly caused their mother to faint when she first saw it.
---
Remus wondered what Regulus was up to the night Sirius escaped. Was Regulus lounging around in his room, was he sleeping, or had he been writing? Had Regulus also suffered through the cruciatus curse that night? Was Regulus in his room listening to the sound of Sirius packing away his things, knowing that come morning, he would never see his brother outside of school?
Remus didn't know what to make of Regulus, but he was Sirius's little brother, and if he ever needed help, he would not hesitate to offer it.
---
You don't have to go
You don't have to go home
Oh, there's a long way to go
I don't believe that time will change your mind
In other words
I know they won't hurt you anymore as long as you can let them go.
Regulus knew that all Sirius had to do was forget about him and their parents never to be touched again, but it still hurt to think about it. Regulus wanted the best for Sirius, but Sirius wouldn't have the best if he were still tethered down by the Black family tree, so as painful as it is for Regulus to admit, Sirius had to let him go.
Sirius had to be free, and he had to grow old. Sirius should live out his life as he was meant to. Sirius was never supposed to be put down and kicked like a dog; he was supposed to be happy, and he finally could be. All he had to do was free himself of Regulus.
Regulus did not know if he would even make it to 20; what was a few more years of torture for Sirius' happiness?
---
You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
You can start a family who will always show you love
You don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own
You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
You can start a family who will always show you love
Sirius knew that when he had his own family, he would never mistreat them as they had mistreated him. He would cherish every moment and special occasion, and he would never forget any birthdays. Sirius wanted to start a family that was full of love, much like the family that saved him.
Sirius wondered if Regulus would be there for him in the future. Would they make up and start a family together as they had planned when they were kids? Sirius loved his friends; they were always there for him, no matter what, and he would never forget them. However, he missed his brother.
---
You don't have to be sorry, no-
As those words came out, Regulus let out a choked breath.
Letting his hands drag away from the piano keys, Regulus sat in silence for a minute just looking up at the stars in the night sky.
As the trio watched Regulus, Sirius slowly shuffled forward, instinctively trying to comfort him, making a noise that Regulus immediately turned to. Regulus quickly got up from the piano bench and petted the cat lying on the couch before rushing out of the room.
Sirius was frozen; he kept staring at the door through which Regulus had run out.
"He was crying," Sirius said weakly.
"What?"
"He was crying, Moony."
Sirius broke down then and there, no longer being able to keep it together after seeing his little brother cry.
"He was crying, and I didn't do anything. I couldn't even comfort him."
"It's ok, you can talk to him later, alright? Prongs, let's go."
As the trio left the room, James looked back, wondering when he would hear Regulus sing again.
---
In his own dorm, Regulus was being comforted by his friends, as annoying as they tend to be, Regulus loved them.
"Do you want some chocolate?"
"Of course, he wants chocolate, Barty, can't you see that our little prince has been crying?"
Regulus chuckled as he accepted the chocolate bar from Barty.
"Well damn, Evan, I was just asking to make sure."
"Well, it was a stupid question, Barty."
As Regulus bit his chocolate, he watched Barty and Evan wrestle. He thought back to the noise in the room of requirement, wondering what it had been.
As both brothers prepared to sleep, they both wondered when they would gain the courage to speak to the other. As they fell asleep, the sound of two children laughing echoed in their dreams, reminding them of the old times when they were still together.