Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Katsuki has been observing lately. Which means that instead of his usual yelling, he has been quieter than ever before. And instead of standing in the middle of the spotlight, he has been watching everyone from the far corner of the room.

 Katsuki found out a lot. He found out how Kaminari likes winter more than summer because he has better control on his quirk in cold temperatures. He found out how Sato cooks because it helps him calm down after a stressful event.

 Katsuki is standing with Kirishima after class when, of course, shitty Deku decides to come up to them and ruin his day. (Katsuki doesn’t actually mind him that much).

When Deku becomes right in front of them, he stops. Panting, he says, “Kirishima-kun!! You forgot your pen with me!”

 Kirishima gives him one of his usual blinding grins. “Oh yeah, thanks man!” he said.

“Go away, shitty Deku!!” Katsuki screams at him, because Deku can’t get so used to him to the point where he doesn’t even look at him when he passes.

Katsuki has been observing. If he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have noticed the slight flinch that followed his yell. He wouldn’t have noticed how Deku’s eyes seemed to dull for a split-second as if he was having a flashback or something (Katsuki knows about it from Aizawa’s lessons on how to recognize stuff on victims’ faces after a traumatic event) because Deku immediately snaps back with a sheepish grin. “Right, sorry!”

Katsuki watches Deku leave. Something’s wrong.

The next class is heroics. Katsuki dresses in his hero costume and makes his way over to the field. Apparently, they’re doing casual one-on-one spars today. Katsuki’s partner turns out to be Ojiro.

Aizawa gives them the go, and so they start.

Katsuki has a lot of pent up anger. He is annoyed and he is confused and he is terrified of what will happen if his suspicions are correct. What he will do. Katsuki has all these tumultuous feelings crashing into each other that he isn’t holding back. So after some time, Katsuki collects enough sweat for an AP shot. He strikes, and the match is over before it even started. “SHINEEEEEE”

Normally, Katsuki would be looking at his opponent with a victorious grin after winning. But Katsuki has been observing, covertly looking around to sparing mats other than his own. Which means that he doesn’t miss the full body flinch that Deku’s body gives upon hearing his explosion. How he freezes in the middle of attacking at his own match with Uraraka for a moment. How he waves her off when she asks if he’s okay, and how he pretends that nothing happened.

Something deep starts stirring inside Katsuki’s guts, and he doesn’t know how much more he can ignore it. 

Katsuki goes silent for the rest of the class, his mind fixated on only one thing; he needs to talk to Deku.

Katsuki knows Deku’s always the last to exit the changing room after heroics, so he waits until everyone has left before he walks up to him.

For a while, Deku doesn’t even notice him, so when Katsuki’s close enough, he calls out. “Oi, Deku.”

...Deku flinches.

“O-oh, hey Kacchan!” he grins, but smiling won’t change a thing, not anymore. Katsuki didn’t miss it.

Deku starts fidgeting with his fingers. He slowly takes one step backwards, as if Katsuki won’t notice if he walks as slowly as he does.

Maybe he wouldn’t have, had it not been today.

 “What’s wrong with you?” Katsuki asks, his eyes dead set, daring Deku to lie to him. He moves a step forward, one step towards Deku. “W-what are you talking about? Nothing’s wrong!” he lies. Katsuki decides not to make as much of a deal of it as he would have any other day. Deku moves backwards again. “You’re sweating.”

Katsuki takes one more step forward. Deku is trapped now. He tries going back as far as he can into the wall behind him. He is sweating now more than ever.

“B-because of training, a-and-”

“Deku.”

“H-hm?”

“Are you scared of me?”

Asking the question is admitting it as a possibility. Asking the question means that Katsuki has seen many many signs but chose to ignore them. Asking the question means that he’s been in denial for a long, long time. That, or that at the time, he didn’t even care.

Deku freezes. His eyes widen. “W-what are you talking about. Of course I’m not-”

“-Don’t lie to me-”

“-I’m not lying to you. Why would I be sca-”

“Deku!” he yells. He didn’t mean to. Deku flinches again, crouching a little to better cover his face with his arms and cowering away until he looks as small as he can get.

It’s as if-

As if he’s bracing himself for a hit.

Or an explosion.

“D-deku… I-”

“Sorry… habit,” Deku smiles, grinning sheepishly like nothing even happened. He tries to stand again, but his feet are a little wobbly. His hands are shaking, but he’s still smiling even if it’s shaky.

Habit. Like that was normal.

‘you did that.’ His mind supplies.

‘this is all your fault’

“Kacchan, are you okay?” he asks with those oh so caring eyes. Katsuki grimaces. Deku’s concern only grows. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

This is so weird. Deku is so weird. Why the hell is he looking at him like that. How can he even do it? Doesn’t he hate him for everything he’s done for him. Isn’t he scared of him? Who the hell is able to care and fear of the same person at the same time? Why does he even care?!

“Kacchan..? What’s wrong?” he repeats, frowning. Frowning.

“Me! I’m what’s wrong!” he finally shouts.

“…Kacchan,” Deku says, but Katsuki is barely even listening.

“What have I done? Deku you’re scared of me.” he yells.

“Kacchan-”

“Was it always like this? Were you always this wary when I’m around. You’re scared of me,” he words out again, and he’ll keep saying it over and over until he grasps the fact that Deku is scared of him. He ignores the fact that a few tears have slipped from his eyes in favor of looking Deku in the eyes, forcing him to do the same.  “When did this start? When did you start to be on guard whenever I was around?”

“Kacchan look-”

“Answer me, damn it!!” Deku flinches again, even as Katsuki cries. Even as he downright pleads.  Deku still flinches.

“…middle school” he mumbles, speaks so faintly Katsuki wouldn’t have heard him if he wasn’t straining his ears for a response.

Middle school. He’s been that scared of him since middle school and Katsuki only notices today.

It seems that now that he finally talked and didn’t get beaten for it, a dam has broken and he can’t stop talking. “Before middle school, I knew you hated me, but I thought the most you would do is yell at me, maybe insult me. So when you first… hit me, I was surprised.”

“The fact that you hated me enough to aim an explosion at my stomach almost hurt me more than the hit itself,” he says. Katsuki’s the one to look away. Shameful. He’s shameful. That’s the feeling.

“Almost. The explosion hurt so so much, Kacchan.” Katsuki can’t bring himself to look at Deku even though he can practically feel the boy’s eyes on him. Tearing, breaking, fearing of an explosion even with how miserable Katsuki looks.

“That was when I started being wary. I didn’t want to feel that kind of pain ever again.” Katsuki listens to the sound of Deku’s teardrops hitting the floor with loud plink. Or maybe those are his tears. Maybe both.

“Not that it ever worked.” He laughs humorlessly.

Katsuki doesn’t know what to do. “But hey, at least it stopped you from burning my face. Anywhere else I would be able to hide from mom,” he says, his laughs becoming a little more maniacal, a little more unhinged.

Then suddenly, everything goes silent. Time slows down. He swears the clock never ticks this slow.

Tick….tok….Tick….tok

 “I’m sorry, Kacchan,” Deku says suddenly, surprising him a little. “I didn’t mean to rant,” he says. “I’ll get over it, I promise. I know how stupid it is for a ‘hero-in-training’ to be able to fight villains but flinches when their friend is around.” He chuckles, but it sounds hollow.

“We’re not friends,” Katsuki says before he can stop himself. “I know,” he says with a smile. Katsuki doesn’t like it. “I would’ve reaally liked us to be friends though.” He stretches the word ‘really’, but still manages to sound serious.

Katsuki finally looks back up, disbelief written all across his face. “What? I thought I made that obvious enough,” Deku says, frowning. Katsuki nods. “ ‘thought that stopped after elementary,” he mutters.

“Oh, no. It didn’t,” he says, his voice filled with confidence Katsuki hadn’t hear in years. “But I realized that I wasn’t being realistic, y’know? Like, you beat it into me time and time again that you wanted nothing to do with me, so holding on to the fact that you may one day accept me as a person was just childish.” He laughs. Katsuki doesn’t laugh. He forces the lump in his throat back down in favor of being able to speak. “And now?” he asks, sounding weird for a person like him.

“And now, I don’t even know. Would it even matter either way?” He looks at him with cold, cold eyes. It’s as if he’s angry at Katsuki for even bringing up the topic, like he was doing fine and Katsuki just had to bring up the past. That’s not right, though.

Katsuki took too long to respond. Izuku scoffs. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Katsuki wants to yell that ‘no! That’s not what I meant!’ but Deku doesn’t give him the chance. “I’ve figured that out lately. It wasn’t because you didn’t want friends like I’ve managed to convince myself my whole life. It’s because it was me. It was because you hate me, and not any other reason.”

Deku stops talking for a moment, even though Katsuki is sure he isn’t finished. He’s giving him time to speak, daring him to contradict him. Katsuki can’t bring himself to. Izuku scoffs quietly, but this time it’s to himself, Katsuki can tell. It’s like he couldn’t believe he’s let himself hope for anything different. It makes Katsuki hate himself for not speaking.

“Because in just two months, Kirishima has managed to do what I’ve been trying to do my whole life, literally,” he continues, voice cold.

 But then it all breaks down, and his eyes quickly fill with tears, and he looks at him in a way that makes him uncomfortable. “And I just wanna know, Kacchan, am I really that bad?!” He looks terrifying, even with the tears dripping from his face. He looks as though he finally broke. Katsuki hates himself for it.

“Answer me Kacchan! Please!” No longer is he cowering at the wall. No, now he looks as though he doesn’t even care if he got beaten. Katsuki’s tongue was stuck in his throat.

“I.. I-…” Katsuki wracks his brain for anything, anything he could say to make this even slightly better.

But then suddenly, footstep sounds start echoing in the room, and Katsuki is reminded that they’re still in the changing rooms of U.A. Izuku quickly wipes his tears.

“Midoriya! Bakugo! What are you guys doing here? Class started 10 minutes ago! Sensei sent me to look for you.” Kirishima says, entering the changing room.

Katsuki looks back to Deku, because he still can’t bring himself to speak.

Just for a moment, Katsuki swears he sees irritation all across Deku’s face, but then it’s gone like it was never even there, and Deku smiles at Kirishima like nothing ever happened. “Kirishima-kun, of course! We’ll be right after you! Thank you for looking for us!” Kirishima gives him a thumbs up with a smile of his own. “Don’t be late! Aizawa-sensei is already mad,” he warns as he walks back.

The moment the footsteps are far enough, Deku’s smile drops. “I guess that’s our queue. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, Kacchan. That was too much,” he says. “Well then, I’ll see you later! I promise not to bring this up again!”

He’s back to smiling. Katsuki is still trying to process any of that; he can only manage to reply with a nod. He watches him leave silently, staring at the door even after it’s closed. He repeats the whole conversation in his mind. Over and over and over again.

Aizawa-sensei.

Katsuki forces himself to the classroom.

The moment he opens the door, all eyes are on him. Deku looks like he just entered too. “Care to explain why you two are ten minutes late to my session?” Aizawa-sensei asks, but it sounds more like scolding to him. Katsuki still isn’t able to talk. “We’re sorry, sensei, we got in a small argument and we didn’t notice the time,” Deku explains ordinarily. Katsuki’s eyes slightly widen in shock at how casually he’s able to speak.

Aizawa sighs. “I’ll let it go just because this is the first time either of you has ever been late to a class.” Deku nods for the both of them. “Go to your seats,” he says, and they both walk over to their seats. Katsuki is silent throughout the whole process. Aizawa eyes him weirdly. He pretends not to notice.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

True to his word, Deku doesn’t speak a word about their … incident after that. Pretending it never even happened as to ‘not make Kacchan uncomfortable’.

 “Kacchan! Kaminari asked me to asked you if he could borrow your notes on Present Mic’s class!” Deku yells, running up to him. Katsuki honestly can’t begin to comprehend how he’s able to keep this up. Katsuki can still barely even answer him, and here he is talking to him as if nothing happened.

 “…yeah, thanks,” is what he manages to say. It’s been two days. Katsuki has been taking space from everyone since. The argument has been eating him alive. Thoughts. Questions. Guilt.

Deku wanted to be his friend. Deku never looked down on him. Deku is jealous of Kirishima. Deku is scared of him. Has been for a while.

Deku has really good pretending skills.

Katsuki kind of regrets observing.

Chapter Text

Izuku hates this. He hates everything about this. He was doing fine. Okay, maybe not so fine, but he was getting better at adapting. It had just been a bad week. He had a nightmare, and it was affecting him a little. He thought there was a silent agreement between them not to bring this up, for both of their sakes. But no, it turns out Katsuki didn’t even know Deku is scared of him. It turns out Deku is just plain stupid.

And now he doesn’t know what to do. Pretending everything is fine is even harder now that Katsuki actually knows how he feels, now that he stupidly blabbered everything to him. He hoped for something. Maybe some change, maybe an apology, but all he got was silence. Stunned, shocked silence.

Izuku’s heart hurts.

Stupid, stupid Izuku! He could have just denied! He could have just denied and kept denying until Kacchan got bored of him.

But no. He saw an opportunity and stupid hope got the best of him and he spilled everything. And what did he get in return? Not a single word.

He hates himself for hoping. He hates himself because now his hope is shattered and he got disappointed over nothing. He should have never let himself hope. He should have never given it another try.

Never again, he thinks.

Never again.

—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—

It has been 2 days. Izuku pretends nothing happened. Though he knows he’s doing it out of spite. He won’t let himself break apart again because of Katsuki. At least not in front of him.

He passes him, greats him as he goes, and watches as Katsuki tries to think up out a response. He gets a sick sort of satisfaction in watching him wonder what he should say while Izuku seemingly doesn’t have a care in the world. He does, and he goes to sleep crying every day from the day the interaction happened, but Katsuki doesn’t need to know that. By now, Izuku has perfected the art of faking his emotions.

He will not succumb to the regrets of Katsuki so long as it’s not guilt he’s feeling. He will not talk to him about anything so long as he doesn’t speak first. He’s done holding himself responsible for everything that happens between them. He is done chasing behind Katsuki’s back.

He wants Izuku out of his life? Fine, then that’s what he will get. He will be kind, as kind as always, but he will not be friendly. It is something only Katsuki will notice and it is something he wouldn’t be able to word out to him even if he wanted.

Izuku has grown bitter, but he is a professional at making bitter things taste bittersweet.

He learned from his mistakes. He learned how to perfect his sweet sweet revenge, how to slowly add one grain of salt over another until it drives Katsuki mad. Of course, he’s only acting with the thought, the hope, that Katsuki still even cares. It’s a dumb thing to hope for, but it’s the last thing he can count on.

He does not talk to Katsuki when he’s alone, and when he does it is always in public. He does not give him a chance to corner him and demand answers. He will keep living his life and he will keep succeeding and Katsuki will fall more into despair until the day he demands answers, but by then he would have realized he can’t get him alone until he explicitly asks him to. Izuku will look at him with oh-so innocent eyes and asks him to talk here, exactly where they stand. Katsuki will either a) tell him to forget it and continue to be driven mad with nothing he can do about it or b) grit his teeth and actually start to speak.

If he did speak, he would try to keep it as limited as he can as to not embarrass himself, Izuku will keep acting shocked and will demand to know more. In front of everyone, most likely in the common room. Izuku will keep asking and asking until he either explodes and then hurriedly leaves and keeps hating himself for it for a long time, or the guilt he’s been withstanding will be too much and he will finally apologize and ask Izuku if they could be friends again.

By then Izuku would slyly look at him with pure, innocent eyes and tell him that “Oh no Kacchan, I’ve already forgiven you.” And he will tell him that “aren’t we already friends?”

And probably by then he wouldn’t be able to continue because his pride wouldn’t be able to withstand anymore than apologizing.

Or maybe he’s underestimated Katsuki’s regret and how much it has been eating him alive and he would actually push it and humiliate himself further and tell him that “no, we aren’t”. Izuku glees at the thought of Katsuki actually doing that.

But then Izuku would tell him, “we aren’t? Why not?” with huge doe green eyes. And he’d go on explaining why and how he’s destroyed any chance of that happening. In front of everyone.

Or maybe these are all Izuku’s fantasies. After all, Katsuki would never do such a thing, and Katsuki is capable enough of intercepting him alone where he wouldn’t be able to ignore him. And then he would force Izuku to tell him what’s happening and he would immediately get scared or get a rush of stupid hope and tell him everything again, and then he’d apologize profusely for even thinking these thoughts because that’s who he is; crybaby, naïve, gullible Deku.

Izuku hates his life.