Chapter Text
There was a way cold got you, beneath windbreakers and soft wool, even wrapped with a coat the cold got you.
Kiyotaka concentrated his breath from beneath his scarf and raised his head in an arc to the sky, the mist following the curve in a silly game his older brother showed him when they were little, a time when they talked freer than they did now. Above him, the sky was gray, the budding sun dimmed and faded in the gloom of clouds filled with vapor.
He rubbed at his eyes with a gloved hand, careful of his glasses and yawned. Kiyotaka didn't need to come to campus all the time and certainly not this early. But Ieiri Shoko came to campus at this time. And so will he.
He liked seeing Ieiri-san. She brightened his days, these little moments spent with her. He could tell you when it started, when Ieiri struck him, mind and soul, carving a new place for herself beyond the roles she occupied as senpai and friend. Kiyotaka was fine with her home in this space; it made sense in his life, and certainly in hers. They were separate and overlapping. He was content.
He made his way to the clinic, his steps a little lighter, a bounce to each one. In the morning, he always checked if Ieiri had any new reports on the injured or documents for him. If there were no missions, he usually tried to leave work at a reasonable time to allow for his hobbies, advice Nanami-san had given him once. His accountability discord was having a two hour language-of-your-choice code sprint this evening.
But he also had a lot of work to do, coordinating all the auxiliary managers, doing all the grunt and paper work needed to make sorcerers' lives easier. Retrieving and organizing paperwork from Ieiri, who kept much later hours than he did, was part of this.
If it allowed him to see her in the morning, spend just a little time conversing, maybe even drink a coffee together, it was just an added benefit. A reward for a job well done if he c-
Later, Kiyotaka would be ashamed of this.
But, in the moment, his heart dropped.
There was a way things got you sometimes. They make a home in your stomach, and bloom through your chest, throttling you on the way up.
Kiyotaka could tell, even before the obvious blanks his mind filled. There, in front of the clinic, on the steps a little ways from him, stood Ieiri-san bundled in her clothes, and in the arms of Nanami-san.
She looked warm, a blush on her cheeks, bright in the drear, smiling and speaking, mist forming from hers and his breaths as they spoke, Nanami's hair falling into his face a little, bent towards her. She looked like she fit there. They looked like they fit together; duster coats and sweaters, gloves and a hat. A face lifted and a face bent.
Kiyotaka doesn’t see the kiss, He didn't need to. He'd already seen the caress of a cheek, lips at a temple.
He walked away, quietly.
If there was a time Kiyotaka ever needed Gojo-san, beyond a curse issue, it was today. His senior had been an aggressive force on top of his head since the day they met. Sometimes literally, when the taller man would use Kiyotaka's entire body as a head rest.
He'd welcome even that right now. He'd welcome anything he said or did or yelled or threw. He’d take it: a flick to the forehead, a ribbing joke, tricks, whatever, something, anything, all of it. Just bring Kiyotaka out of this.
What was this? This insidious pain? An ache and a loss.
What right did he have to it?
Why should the colours fade today of all days? The sun wasn't gone. It rose today as it did every other day, heedless of all Kiyotaka carried with him, it shone on him today and all others like every other day.
Regardless.
Actually, he was happy it was Nanami-san. He was mature and kind. Who else would Ieiri-san be with?
Him?
He had purposefully made no motion towards his affections. What would he even do if his feelings were returned? Kiyotaka was aware enough to know when he was placing anyone on a pedestal, especially a romantic one. Besides, where would he find the time? When would she? And if his affections weren't returned? He'd have just added a load to the woman who spent sleepless nights caring for those broken physically by curses sometimes miles and miles away from the school.
What even could he offer her?
Who would even want Ijichi Kiyotaka?
Kiyotaka stopped.
He dropped the pen that had remained uncapped and unused for minutes now. The cold made him aware of itself, as he took in the lights and the forms around his desk, the raw data yet to be organized on his laptop. Several tabs were open from last night on the new SQL update. He'd meant to get to them, learn what he could for the job. He'd done nothing today. Not one item on the green sticky note at the edge of his desk ticked off.
He shoved himself away from the desk. He needed to wash his face, get some water, and perhaps use a timer. Just 25 minutes of work, that's all he needed to get done right now. Just 25 minutes.
Kiyotaka ran into Nanami in the break room.
Nanami took the cursory glance one usually does when interrupted by another's presence, then looked up from his coffee to peer more intently at him. Kiyotaka tucked his head a little, pretending to scratch his eyes, and wipe his glasses, hoping the farce gave him enough to time to school his expression, to quell his heartbeat.
When he looked up, Nanami's eyes were still on him. He felt a little flayed underneath the gaze, even with the man’s glasses on, like his mind could be picked apart.
Nanami opened his mouth to speak, and Kiyotaka braced himself.
"Are you alright, Ijichi-kun?"
Kiyotaka startled a little.
"I, I, ehm..." He rubbed at his eyes again. Being asked sincerely if you were alright had a way of opening up your insides.
"I..." he tried again, then gave up with a sigh.
"If you are not alright, for whatever reason," Nanami turned back to his coffee, "I suggest you get some rest. You wouldn't get anything done forcing yourself to." He took a good sip and looked like the caffeine washed into him. "No point in working if you can't."
Suddenly, Kiyotaka's mind returned to one of the hazier nights he's had, surrounded by his seniors and the obnoxious music of a bar. Gojo-san had just declared Nanami-san, "The most effective lazy man in history!". Nanami, who must have been tipsy at that point, just raised his glass in acceptance.
At the time, Kiyotaka had been a little confused. Nanami wasn't lazy. Far from it! But now, he had an inkling of what Gojo-san might have meant about Nanami-san's approach to work. At the time, his subdued laughter had been more a function of the environment than amusement. Ieiri-san's laughter had been much more sincere. Were they already...together at that point? Kiyotaka hadn't noticed any changes. How many nights had they all bar-hopped, an unknown relationship in their midst. Had Gojo-san known? If so, was Kiyotaka the only left out? It made sense, of course. As their junior, he wasn’t worth -
"Ijichi."
Kiyotaka's body snapped to attention even though Nanami's voice wasn't very loud.
His gaze was focused on him and Kiyotaka realized he had been rooted in one spot the whole time.
"Sit. If you don't mind, please."
Kiyotaka sat across from him, ignoring the rounded arms to fold his hands neatly in his lap. Across the low table between them, was a newspaper turned to financial news beside Nanami's coat, the sleeves tucked in at the sides.
The coffee mug clinked on the table. "Are you alright?" He looked up in surprise. "And this isn't a perfunctory question, Ijichi-kun. Answer honestly if you can.”
“I-I really don’t know Senpai, I -“ The air froze up and Kiyotaka did too. When was the last time he called Nanami, senpai?
Nanami looked surprised too.
And in his mind's eye, in a swept aside corner of Kiyotaka's memory, the older man in front of him is briefly replaced, the black of the uniform in stead of the dark blue button-up, shoulders slimmed, glasses gone, blond hair framing eyes rimmed red for days on end, asking Kiyotaka if he was ok.
He blinked and the Nanami of this time returned.
"I am ok," he said. I am just tired that's all."
It didn't look like his answer was believed. But it was accepted.
"Take care of yourself. A lot of sorcerers here depend on you." Nanami downed the rest of his coffee in one go.
Kiyotaka didn't particularly believe that but he nodded and muttered a 'thank you', feeling even smaller than he did before. He sighed to himself and put his stuff together to go home.
He dropped his keys at the door to his apartment then fumbled the opening, his fingers feeling numb and raw inside his gloves. Whatever irrationality came over him to walk home was certainly gone by now. Kiyotaka went through the motions he usually made when he returned home except hours earlier than usual.
Checking to see if the neighbours' cat had snuck in through the window again, watering his plants, putting a pot of tea to boil, turning up his rice cooker, then taking a shower. He closed all the blinds and sat with wet hair in front of a 30-inch monitor eating curry and watching Solaris gameplay. The accountability discord sprint wasn't live for a couple of hours.
The YouTube autoplay skipped into a VR stream and Kiyotaka let the foreign language wash over him. Today was embarrassing. Not an iota of work done yet he received comforting words from a man he was somewhat jealous of. Not that Kiyotaka ever thought that he'd be with Ieiri-san. He knew one thing about his love for her: it was intertwined with the possibility - no - the fantasy of being a man she could want. That she would deserve. There was a chasm between the two and loving Ieiri was a bridge.
A bridge paper thin and transparent, a long path to a sort of death neatly promised. So Kiyotaka never crossed the bridge. But it was there. He needed it to be there. He could glance over at the self so removed from his being it was a completely different man, and say perhaps. Maybe. Not never..
If he remained a sorcerer he probably could have been that person. But every day he'd trained to be one, the shackles of the fear of death clung to him, collared his being, rattled only by the excitement exorcising and surviving curses brought. But never gone. Haibara-senpai had said it was because he wasn't insane enough for death to be a side thought, then he shushed Nanami-san when he'd said Ijichi wasn't good enough to not give obeisance to death. By the time Gojo-san said he'd beat Kiyotaka black and blue if he was still training to be a sorcerer by noon the next day, he was nearly grateful for the threat.
But this was all in the past.
Today was today, and Kiyotaka remained, Kiyotaka.