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I've always had a deep dislike for salespeople, and I think I take that out by trying to play mind games with them.
"Excuse me, miss. Do you mind if I take a look at your hands? Either one is fine! Yup! - Oh! Oh, no, is that dry skin? Let me guess, do you use any of our competitor brands? That makes sense. Come try a free sample of our moisture locking hand lotions, starting at 450 rupees a piece! We're 30 times more eco-friendly than our competitors! Satisfaction guaranteed!"
I know it's their job to try to sell their company's shit to me. But aside from outright lying about their company's services and playing up their accomplishments, it's the mere fact that they're a person trying to scam me, another person, and knowingly doing it.
"These HD flatscreens will change your life. Don't take my word for it, either! Check our website, we've got testimonies from over 30,000 of our customers. The mean rating we've received is 4.75 stars. We are well worth the doubled price of almost all of our competitors, because we know good value."
It reminds me of politicians.
By the way, I hate politicians.
"Do you have faith in me? Because I have faith in me. And I would trust no other brand than ours to meet your weight loss goals. Some people have even reported having more energy and feeling refreshed in the morning after just 3 days of taking our dietary supplement."
People who, in general, don't actually give a shit about you but are still willing to try to get you to do something for them by sweet talking and petty persuasion.
"Aren't you glad I stopped you? You would have never known about the harsh corrosive materials you've been using to clean your countertops. The unsightly rust just won't do, and any self-respecting woman like yourself should not suffer the humiliation of having a rusting out countertop! Purchase today, and you can enter our rewards program for even better deals!"
I say petty, because I can usually see right through their pretty white lies.
"We're the number one doctor recommended multivitamin for perimenopausal women!"
But I'll go with it, I'll pretend I'm hooked by their company's product. I'll respond with the usual questions of doubt, and pretend to have my suspicions dissolved by the practiced, smooth talking of a representative.
"You know, I would have reservations about purchasing large equipment like this too. But if you expect to meet regulations, you must think about the safety of the children first. Do you really want to have your students running around on a faulty playset? I didn't think so. These reinforced guardrails and platforms will keep your students safe, guaranteed."
I'll keep asking questions, swinging between, seemingly, wanting to buy the product, then asking another question about some obscure functionality.
"I think you should really consider us a little while more before you jump to conclusions you might regret. Also! You asked about the dovetailing? Yes, these table legs feature dovetailed corners, which isn't seen nowadays in this style. Functionally more stable; aesthetically more pleasing!"
But in the end, it's not the product I'm looking for, but the perfect salesperson.
"Sorry," I say, watching the petite Hylian's will, who for the past hour and a half has relentlessly tried to sell me a glorified coffee machine, break behind evergreen eyes. "I'm just not interested."
"Wait!" She calls after me. I'm already on my way towards the exit, cell in hand with disgruntled news to tell. "We talked for over an hour about this product! The least you could do is make a purchase!"
---------------
"Hey, babe. How's it going?" I say, taking a shortcut from town via hiking trail.
"Not poorly!" Zelda perkily announces, "How about you, Impa? How are you doing?"
"Meh." I tuck the phone under my chin.
"Only meh, huh?"
"I had my ear talked off!" I grumble, then go on to rant about all of the insane salespeople I was forced to endure.
"Aw. I'm sorry...if it makes you feel better, I think I found our guy!"
"Who, the executive? That's great news."
"Well, yes. I have someone for that too. I was talking about our sales representative. His name is Link."
"Funny name," I say, picking at a spruce tree. "So, what's so great about him? If you've found the guy, that's fantastic; since I'd sooner claw my eyes out than spend another day talking to sales representatives." I feel a chill run down my spine at the mere thought. "But it seems like you've found him...rather quick?"
"Right! See, I figured our problem was that we were looking for the wrong characteristics in a salesperson - the ones you hate, dear."
"Okay?"
"What makes a salesperson sellable is their personality, which usually follows the charismatic, I'm your friend kind of guy who talks the entire time, right?"
"That's why they're called sales representatives. Babe, you didn't run an advertisement for a psychotic axe murderer, did you?" I question, thinking about the shadiness of the first advertisement she had written up. That job description though...nightmare inducing!
"Naturally, all axe murderers would be psychotic. The axe is such a cumbersome instrument, if you really wanted to just kill someone you would use a gun," she reasons. "And no. No I did not...I know it may come as a surprise to you, but I do actually know what I'm doing." The last bit came out sourly, as if she were pouting.
"Glad to hear it - and I never doubted you, I just like to poke fun," I respond, endearingly. "So, Link?"
"He works for a warehouse store in Castletown, and despite having been there for about a year, he's made more sales than all the other employees combined over the last four years. The thing about Link is that Ganon's team of PR and counseling specialists won't be able to read him, because they're used to the cookie-cutter salesman that you've been dealing with all day."
"He sounds like a catch. How did you get him interested in something like this?" I say, hardly believing my ears.
"I'm glad you asked! Given that he's next to completely mute? He couldn't deny my offer!"
"Wait…..He's a fucking mute?!"
---------------
"I have complete faith in you guys!" Zelda concludes her customary pep talk by wishing the room of hackers well. "Tingle?"
"Yeah, I got it," The hefty man in a green onesie grunts. He smacks Kafei's shoulder, who looks up from his computer screen with a pompous sniff.
"Fine, Zelda," The dark haired Sheikah acknowledges, "Though if people actually start making lines of inquiry, they'll be able to tell this was fabricated unless we start making good public relations N-O-W."
"That's fine, it's why I hired Ghirahim," Zelda states, while everyone's eyes nearly roll out of their heads as the diva himself stands up at the sound of his own name.
"Don't worry. Ladies! Gentlemen!," The white haired wonder struts about, admiring himself in every reflective surface in the room, "I've been on the phone, all day long, and I have a few fairly respectable people who can vouch for us...respectable, in the eyes of the public, that is."
"So, if anyone investigates those pseudo-businesses in addition to ours, we all go under like a house of cards," Kafei grimly concludes. "Zelda, this is not sounding like the job security I had asked for."
"Guys, guys! Eyes on the prize!" My wife says, flushing. I wrap my arm around her waist and wait for her response. "We're about to do the impossible right now. Think about that for just a moment. No way in hell is it going to be a walk in the park! But you all signed on because you wanted to make real change, and you wanted it to happen now.
"Tingle," she gestures, and he looks up at her, "You served overseas as a technician, and when you came back, you returned to an apathetic country, and couldn't even get a job, let alone healthcare for your PTSD. It's politicians like Ganon who control the media, and downplay the real problems veterans like you struggle with every day. That's not quality of living! That's not in your best interest, and it certainly isn't in the best interest of those who still haven't come back yet!"
Tingle's mustache twitches as he sniffs, face flushing. Zelda continues, turning to Kafei.
"Kafei, you and your wife were separated, not because either of you had done anything wrong, but because Anju isn't a citizen of Hyrule. And now your only contact with her, and your son is by bi-weekly phonecalls. And even with two part time jobs, you can't send enough money to smuggle them over. You of all people understand that the hundreds of millions of families who have been cloven to pieces due to Ganon's legislation are suffering in ways no family should! "
Kafei sits back, head turned away, arms crossed. The words have struck home, and he's back onboard.
"And Ghirahim," my wife's voice softens. "You were thrown out of our own home, for no reason other than that you were different. When is enough enough? When do we get to see people like you on T.V. not being trivialized and made fun of? When do we get to see people who matter in the eyes of the public say, 'you're allowed to exist'? You made your way in this world the hard way; many others lost their lives simply because they came out at the wrong time, and in the presence of the wrong people."
Ghirahim, his bravado extinguished, sits down as tears leak from the corner of his eyes.
"This is our time to say, 'we matter', by taking down the big guys who think that, because they made the law, they are above the law."
The room is silent, though the three men solemnly nod, remembering their call to duty. I feel a swell in my chest, and have a # proudwife moment. Brains and badassery aside, I love my wife because she loves people.
Just as Zelda is about to elaborate on some other aspect of her scheme, the door thunders open, and in flows a dark woman with fiery hair and a temptatious grin. Without introduction, she slides up my body and breathes, "You smell like a Sheikah" up my neck.
"Get it off!" I croak, smacking away roving hands.
"This is Midna, our CEO."
Tingle whistles; Ghirahim snorts.
"Sorry I'm late," Midna says, sultrily. She flips her hair, and meanders around the room, taking in the electronics. "I take it this is where we're all going to be spending our time together." She straddles a seat and leans forwards, narrowing golden eyes, "Better get comfy!" I trace her gaze towards my wife's ass.
"No!" I fiercely shout. "No, no no no nononononono!"
"Impa," Zelda's eyes find mine with a pout, "She's perfect for the job."
"Perfect for getting into everyone's pants!" I shout, "And oh, come on! Everyone was thinking it!"
"Someone sounds sexually frustrated," Midna murmurs, and Kafei cracks a chuckle, which he poorly disguises as a cough.
"Alright, alright. Everyone, please settle down," Zelda puts her hands up, as if shushing a crowd of Kokiri. "Midna, in the future it would be lovely if you would phone ahead when you're going to be late. Aside from that, you will be a valuable asset to our company. Moving on." She grabs a remote and brings down a monitor from the ceiling. "I've contacted the HardRockers and the ProjectHousewives. Through them, we were connected to a sub-sect of the Zora mafia, who have aligned interests. I know it's a risk, but they want Ganon out of office just as much as we do."
The monitor flickers to life. The screen is divided into three horizontal rectangles. The two side rectangles feature a Goron and three Gerudo, respectively, the one in the middle is pure static.
"Hey guys!" One of the Gerudo coos.
"Tingle! Looking good!" Another says, approvingly, while Tingle gives her the double thumbs up.
"ProjectHousewives in for the report. We have you all connected over on this end," the third states, addressing Zelda, who nods, graciously. "Every top tier web browser has your company's logos and advertisements circulating. We've got you around entry number 13 for search engine optimization, since you're a not very well known company. We've been redacting some of our old sites' read only forums to include references to you in passing."
"Excellent work!" Zelda praises with a wink, "This helps us so much. I'll be sure to put you in charge of draining one of Ganon's largest bank accounts."
The leftmost screen yields to static as they hang up. The Goron on the right takes his turn.
"Um. Hi," he says, almost sheepishly in a deep, gravely voice, "I'm HardRocker number forty-three? Um. I'm the representative who's here to connect you to the Zora? I think." He smiles, and rubs the top of his head, "just a moment."
He disappears from the view of the monitor. What sound carries over from his end could only be described as a cat on rollerskates playing a bass drum. "Aha!" He yells, making everyone in the room jump. The monitor in the middle wakes up to a masked Zora in a black suit.
"Greetings," he says, in a computer-modulated voice, "This is an audio message. We are pleased to inform you that your company is now 54% publically owned in stock shares, with a value set to artificially increase by up to 230% within the next twelve days. We expect to have free access over Ganon's personal computer files, as well as a minimum 2 billion rupees in cash for our services."
The screen fades out dramatically before returning to static. The Goron reappears and bids us farewell in his awkward manner and leaves the videoconference as well.
Zelda turns off and stores the ceiling monitor, throwing on the lights. She closes her eyes, pressing fingers to her lips, hardly containing her excitement. "Guys! It's happening!"
---------------
I'm working in the shop a couple weeks after the video conference at Kafei's, and Midna comes walking in right before closing time. No, not walking. Sashaying. Wearing another tight fitted, almost see through black dress. I make myself busy, restocking the shelves, and cleaning the merchandise. Just...trying to look busy, and not suspicious that she's after my wife or anything.
"Impa, are you just acting busy so you seem less suspicious of me being out to get your wife?" she asks abruptly, and my head whips up from behind the counter where I was sweeping with a tiny hand broom. "If it gives you any security, I'm out to get everyone I possibly can who I find mildly attractive."
"I'm glad you're comfortable with yourself," I say, backing away. She slowly widens a grin. "Oh, gods. I'm not next, am I?"
"It would appear so, given I've cleared the rest of your staff, sans that brooding Romeo."
"Even Link?" I say, skeptically, "I've never met him, but he sounds like he wouldn't come near you with a 100 foot pole."
"Oh, the poor boy nearly passed out when I approached him. I didn't dare go any farther - it made me feel like a pedophile."
"You're making some pretty interesting disclosures in a gun shop," I deadpan, "And no, I'm not interested in bedding you. I have a wife."
She rolls her eyes, standing up straight. "Relax. Bieve it or not, I'm not here for that. No, your wife wanted us to have a chat."
I cross my arms, giving her a once-over. For once she seems...professional.
"Alright," I say, "What do you want to talk about? Guns? I could go on all night. We're a family owned business with enough clients to keep us running until retirement."
"Fascinating," she snarks. "I'm the former CEO of an international, multi-billion cycling industry. I handled the foreign affairs until I got bored and found more exciting things to do with my time. I'm also acquaintances with Ganon and know that the horrible things you know about him are just the tip of the iceburg, and that the legal system is stacked to fail should anyone try to pursue him within the system."
I pause while the information overload washes over my brain like a wave. I raise my eyebrows, "Oh, wow."
"But that's not all. I also happen to know that Ganon has been expecting a revolution against him, and has taken appropriate measures to prevent his downfall."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that this little project of yours is going to go on for a long while. I need to make sure that you are absolutely onboard."
I narrow my eyes, "Zelda didn't send you."
"No, she didn't. I'm just informing you of what I know will inevitably happen. And Zelda is committed; she's handed me most of the responsibility for this operation since I have the expertise she doesn't, and the lawyers, for that matter, yet she's still willing to oversee the online break-in." She leans forwards onto the counter, staring me down, " So where does that leave you? Running leg errands will only progress us so far. And while these," she gestures to the rack of shotguns behind my head, "are pretty, they cannot do the same destruction that, say, Zelda's tools can."
I lean forwards to meet her stare, and get an awful noseful of her perfume. "Are you questioning my loyalty? I stand by Zelda. Period. What I do outside of the operation is purely domestic. I do most of the cooking, cleaning - those things do take some precedence when Zelda spends most nights in front of a computer screen."
"hmmmm…" she hums, amusement playing at her lips. Her eyes glide towards a bar above the gun rack with a list of the shop's certifications, including my own. I slam my eyelids shut in anticipation of what she's going to point out. Goddamnit is this woman infuriating... "Expert markswoman; honor recruit to the Hylian Guard, yet you turned them down?"
"Trap shooting and hunting to feed your family is one thing. That's how I was raised. Going in and killing a living human being under the banner of nationalism in something else entirely. I don't believe in blind nationalism. And I don't believe in killing people."
"Shame," she says, and by leaving it like that I'm forced to believe she means both. Her tongue slides out from a corner of her mouth and she licks her lips, raking my body down with her eyes. "I could have used you." And suddenly I'm shaking and she's smirking.
"Get out…" I whisper, unable to find my voice. "We're closed. And don't even think about meeting with Zelda when I'm not around."
She slides away from the counter with a careless shrug. "Or what, Sheikah? Are you going to shoot me?"
---------------
"So, did you see what Link does in this one?" Zelda catches my eye in passing from our bedroom through the open doorway. She has her laptop sitting on sweats clad legs dangling over the edge of the bed; long, wavy blonde hair down and only slightly messy in the most adorable manner. "The promo was actually 3 free samples, but he would actually only give out one, and he would do it by leaving the stand and carrying the packets with him. Then, the next day, when they came back, he would try to give them another, but they would buy it. Either because the actually liked the product, or because they believe he's trying to help them."
"False compassion - that's his tactic?"I call from the kitchen, packing the food away and stacking it in the refrigerator. Despite having made enough lasagna for an army, I wasn't very hungry after just having had that conversation with Midna, and neither was Zelda.
"No...actual compassion. He literally loves everyone. That's why he can sell. He's genuine, and obviously can't say outrageous things." She folds away her laptop and sets it on her lap. "Impa, come join me. It's getting awfully late."
"Yeah, one second," I call, wiping the counters for the umpteenth time.
"Is something wrong?" She asks, timidly as I step into the doorway and remove my ponytail.
"I'm not comfortable with Midna," I state, changing into a pair of darknut themed pajamas. "Why didn't you tell me she used to be some big time CEO? And, how on earth did you get her to come onboard?"
"I told you she was qualified - I thought it was implicative." She folds her hands into a knot and looks down at them, "And, well, I may have counter-seduced her into working for me."
"What did you do?!" I gawk at her, and she shrugs.
"Nothing really! I just smiled, and complimented her a lot, and giggled at her not-so-subtle innuendos. And then I gave her a hug at the end. And, well, she's valuable to the operation. Nothing seems to motivate her but having sex." I make a squawking noise, and she gives me a Now Really? look. " Certainly not money...though she did mention wanting to take a crack at at least one of Ganon's offshore bank accounts."
"See, that's another thing - it seems like all of Ganon's money is just going to be redistributed. How is it going to help the general public?" I bop into our newly tiled bathroom to brush my teeth while she speaks. Her voice carries well into the greatly lighted space.
"You mean aside from demonstrating to all career politicians that greed and false promises ultimately yield to uprising and revolution? Or how about taking someone who has no business being in power, out of it, so that someone more authentic and, hopefully, compassionate, can be put in it. I think everyone in Hyrule benefits from those two things. Bringing into power people who are actually going to make a positive difference, and keeping mongers of fear and hate out of it. In terms of the money itself? We can try to divide it between all parties involved, though ultimately, Midna will be the one in charge of those things."
I spit. Then wash the toothpaste from my mouth."And here we are, back to Midna again."
"Did she say something to you?"
I lean against the sink, thinking about what transpired in the shop today between Midna and I. Instead of anything in the realm of non-fiction coming out, I blurt, "I don't know...I just..don't want this other woman getting between us?"
Well, it was probably better than, 'I think Midna is a diagnosable wackjob who's in shadiness neck deep. And oh, by the way, she wants to screw you and have me kill someone for her.'
"Aww, Impa!" Zelda croons, "You know that I would never be unfaithful to you. Just as I know you wouldn't be unfaithful to me. Besides, Midna has plenty of other people she can entertain herself with. She'll stop flirting sooner than later."
"Well, I hope you're right," I murmur, turning off the light. I step into bed and slide my arms around her waist. She snuggles against me, nuzzling her face into my neck. I grin, happily.
Best part of the day…
"Are you sure there's nothing else that's bothering you?"
My eyes flutter open and I let out a hum. She sighs and pulls back to look me in the eyes. "Impa?"
"This whole Ganon thing is your baby. And it's something that we've both been heavily invested in, even before our marriage. And I'm more than happy to be a part of it, don't get me wrong. I just sometimes wish we could, you know," I cradle my arms in front of me, "have a physical baby?"
"Oh?" she says. Even in the dark, I can see her ocean blue eyes widening. "Um...I think that would be...something nice perhaps. I guess I've never really thought about it."