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Dazai sometimes forgot.
Although it wasn't usual for him, thanks to getting caught in the everyday life that every human got caught up in, from paperwork to field work, breakfast to dinner. There wasn't much time, or rather, gap in his schedule for him to forget.
Even if he claimed to be lazy, being surrounded by people didn't let him forget.
That's why Dazai rarely requested days off. Even when he was tired or he really needed a break, he would just come to the office and slack off on the couch like he always did.
Company felt great, for some reason he couldn't remember now.
But sometimes, he tended to forget.
As he sat on the couch, blank eyes plastered on the window getting hit by raindrops, dim light of the office disturbing his eyes as the chatter fell to the background, mind drifting to who knows where, he forgot.
He forgot.
Forgot why he was here.
You will never find what you're looking for, but even so, being on the side that saves people is a little bit better.
Dazai didn't have any objections. He knew he liked it better here compared to his past life of sins, surrounded by sinners.
But why?
Searching for something while he didn't even know what it was was tiring, especially if that something probably didn't exist.
He was the same in the core, not a demon, not an angel, not entirely evil and not some saint with strong morals.
But he tried - he surely did, though he doubted if it was enough.
He tried, and he remembered liking it. He liked being in the world they had called the light, he clearly remembered it, but he couldn't remember why.
Why? Why do I like it here better?
Why did it feel a little better even if I feel like I don't belong here?
Why do I still have the urge to keep trying?
Why?
He didn't feel like he belonged in the light - nor in the dark. He didn't feel like he belonged in anywhere in this world.
It was almost like it didn't have any room for him. It was home to everyone else, but not him.
He didn't belong.
And if he didn't belong, what was still keeping him there?
His promise was a factor, of course - but Dazai felt like he was missing something. Something, some important piece was missing in this puzzle - he drifted off, trying to find it.
Trying to find why he was somewhat satisfied with the place he was in, the path he chose even if he felt like he didn't belong there.
Something still felt out of place, still empty, still numb, but he was better here for some reason he couldn't remember.
What is it, what is it?
"...zai-san? Uh, Dazai-san?"
Blinking back to reality, Dazai realized the hands swaying in front of him. Immediately putting his happy face on, he smiled against Atsushi's concerned expression.
"Oh, I zoned out for a moment, sorry! What is it, Atsushi-kun?" he asked, slowly clearing his mind and putting the questions to the side to think about them later.
He still couldn't remember.
Sighing in relief, Atsushi smiled at him, raising the cup in his hand.
"Here," he said, "Your hot chocolate."
Dazai blinked at the cup extended to him, slowly taking it.
"Thank you." he muttered under his breath.
Atsushi settled right next to him with a cup of tea in his hand, the chatter in the background still kept going. Others were still in the office, chatting after a long day.
Atsushi sighed in contentment after taking a sip from his tea, making a satisfied face.
Dazai looked at his face, almost searching for his answer there.
Because Atsushi probably didn't know it, but he was pretty good at helping Dazai find his answers most of the time. So Dazai searched.
Noticing that, Atsushi raised an eyebrow. "Is there something on my face?"
Dazai chuckled at the reaction. "No, nothing." Then he turned back to his cup, raising it and blowing on it. He still couldn't handle hot drinks, just like how he couldn't handle spicy food.
"Oh, you don't have to," Atsushi said, smiling. "It's lukewarm."
Dazai raised his eyebrows at that, blinking. "Oh, why is that?"
Atsushi looked at him like he was the one missing the point here, raising an eyebrow. "Well... It's common knowledge in the Agency that you can't handle hot drinks, isn't it?" Then he turned back to his tea. "And you have sweeth tooth, so we got you hot chocolate from the cafe..."
He scratched the back of his head. "I mean, tea is cheaper, but anyways..." Then he laughed lightly, taking another sip from his tea.
Meanwhile, Dazai looked at him with wide eyes, this new little unimportant piece of information surprising him a little more than it should've.
Caught off guard, he averted his gaze, looking at the not-so-hot chocolate of his now.
It's common knowledge in the Agency.
His taste in... Drinks?
Oh.
Oh.
There was his answer.
He took a shuddering, deep breath before exhaling soundly. Then a content smile found its way on his face, lips curling upwards.
"You're right." he said before taking a sip from his drink.
It was a small detail, something so small - Dazai didn't even pay attention to the way he scrunched his face whenever he took a sip from a drink that was too hot for his liking. He just drank it without complains, like how he did with things that needed more sugar.
They noticed.
Because they were this type of people, who noticed small things about people they cared about. The people of light.
Then there was Atsushi, with his kind smile that he never refrained from offering to Dazai, gratefulness always lingering in his eyes whenever their eyes met. That orphan he had pulled out of darkness and offered a place, a reason - somewhere to belong.
Dazai couldn't deny the shine in his eyes and the smile on his face was much more prettier than the eyes that were used to look at him with fear and terror in them, teeth always gritted with an ambition that couldn't be fulfilled.
Right, he thought, That's it.
The side that saves people. Not only the ring was nice, but the shine he saw in people's eyes was, too.
He didn't believe he had that shine in his own eyes - but maybe people saw him differently.
Maybe his own eyes weren't really pitch black empty holes like he had thought, after all.
Atsushi, once again, had his answers.
"You're right." Dazai whispered once again.
Dazai sometimes forgot.
He forgot why he liked it better here, but as long as he had small reminders like that, it was all right.
Yeah, he really liked it a little bit better here.