Work Text:
Yoo Joonghyuk wasn’t one to reminisce on the past.
After all, what was the point of it? What happened, happened. Things couldn’t be changed no matter what, so it was pointless to waste time thinking of such things. The present is what matters, and how you should spend it. Yoo Joonghyuk thought this as he went through the scenarios, through every regression. After every loss, every defeat, every failure, Yoo Joonghyuk stood up and moved forward because that was the only thing he could do, he had to do. Otherwise, he would risk falling into bouts of insanity and finding himself in a dark place that even the brightest sun would never reach.
So, Yoo Joonghyuk tossed the memories of the past to the side, barely sparing a glance just for his own survival.
Yet, why…?
「Release your hand and get lost, you damn son of a bitch.」
「I understand you better than anyone else.」
「Hey, can you finish me off? You…always wanted to kill me.」
「Yoo Joonghyuk, wake up. Don’t think things will improve if you repeat them a few times.」
Why was he still remembering this?
「Yoo Joonghyuk, you stupid bastard!」
「You saved me, so I will save you.」
「It was a great story, wasn’t it? Let’s meet again, Yoo Joonghyuk.」
Why…
「It has always been once for me.」
「My name is Kim Dokja. Twenty-eight…No, wait. I was twenty-eight, and I was an employee of a game company. My hobby was reading webnovels…It’s pathetic, right? Well, this is who I am…Yoo Joonghyuk, who are you?」
Why couldn’t he stop thinking about him?
Yoo Joonghyuk couldn’t understand. It had been two years already, and for someone like him, that was ample enough time to move on with his life. That guy’s companions had already done so, even that woman. So, why couldn’t he? Why was he stuck living in a dreary apartment, spending hours of his life mindlessly killing digital monsters while feeling this insurmountable emptiness swirl around inside him, as if it was slowly eating him alive?
He averted his still gaze towards the window, watching the streets of Seoul bustle, a full recovery of what it once was before the scenarios. He watched the people walk to and fro’, the cars speeding past, and the ads on the large screens play with their obnoxious music. Slowly, his eyes began to shift toward the bottom left corner of the window, where his gaze deepened.
There was the entrance to the subway station, the name of the city plastered across the black title card.
Yoo Joonghyuk watched people leave that station.
He watched for a while, and the more he watched, the more this emptiness inside him grew. It grew, grew, and grew, to the point it threatened to swallow him up like a large vortex. Still, he did not look away once. His gaze was fixed and searching.
Searching for a certain black-haired man.
But in the end, Yoo Joonghyuk eventually looked away, a hollowness filling up the black holes in his eyes.
No matter how long he looked or searched, he would never find what he was looking for.
That guy is never coming back.
This was a truth that was hammered into Yoo Joonghyuk’s skull each and every day, waking up with the knowledge that he wouldn’t be coming face to face with the man he knew. And this was especially hammered in by those words he heard on that fateful day.
「The ‘Kim Dokja’ you know has scattered to the rest of the universe already.」
Yoo Joonghyuk tightened his jaw harshly, and in a second, a soul-shattering throb was felt in his chest. It was so overwhelming that he helplessly fell onto a nearby sofa and clutched onto the armrest, veins popping out of his hands. He tightly shut his eyes, squeezing them as if…
…that when he’d open them, there would be a reason for him not to feel this way anymore.
However, when he opened them, it only became more real.
That guy wasn’t coming back. He would never come back, because he was no longer a single entity. And therefore, the entirety of Kim Dokja would never return. Yoo Joonghyuk would never see that stupid smile of his again, or hear the way the tone of his voice would become so unimaginably arrogant at beings that could crush him like a bug within seconds. The snarky jokes that annoyed Yoo Joonghyuk to no end, the provocations he’d receive nearly every time they met, the migraines he experienced whenever he witnessed Kim Dokja doing something reckless again, and the sly grin that’d stretch across Kim Dokja’s face as he utilized his con-man abilities.
All of that was home to one Kim Dokja and to one Kim Dokja only.
And that Kim Dokja was gone.
And the reality of it drowned him like a raging tsunami.
In an instant, deep and boundless regret inhabited every inch of his being. It was a regret so suffocating that he could hardly breathe. He clutched at his chest, intending to rip his own heart out to get rid of this horrible, fucking feeling--
But he couldn’t. Because that would mean losing one of the only two things he had of Kim Dokja. And losing just one was something he couldn’t allow, at all costs.
As for the other thing…
With black empty eyes, Yoo Joonghyuk looked up. In front of him was a bland, metal door that led to his room. He often stayed in there for hours each day, gaming his life away as it was the only thing he could do to numb the eternal ache within him. Though he mostly spent his time in that place, in all actuality, he hated his room. He’d try his best to keep it clean and tidy, but as time continued on, and the presence of Kim Dokja faded more and more, he couldn’t prevent the garbage that littered his floor and desk.
Yoo Mia would sometimes scold him for being so disorganized and living in such filth, but after having a conversation with Shin Yoosung a year ago, she later stopped doing that. Instead, she’d try to clean his room weekly for him, possibly having figured out the root cause of his decline in maintaining his room. Similar to her older brother, she wasn’t the type to have a heart-to-heart conversation. However, Yoo Joonghyuk saw through her actions that she must’ve been sympathizing with the loss that he refused to talk about.
At the thought of that, Yoo Joonghyuk was silently grateful for his beloved younger sister.
He walked up to the door to his room, stared at the doorknob for a while, and opened it. A vast open space welcomed him, the sunlight peering through his yellow curtains and illuminating a faint golden hue in the air. To his right was his large desk that occupied his expensive computer, the screen still on. It displayed the front webpage of the game he was playing an hour ago, waiting to be played again. His black-and-white headphones sat atop the computer, hanging off at the corner.
Of course, along with that, several food wrappings were scattered around his desk, and plastic cups sitting on various edges. If the Yoo Joonghyuk before the scenarios saw such a scene, he would’ve surely cussed him out to no end, lecturing him on how he could allow such a thing.
How could he, huh?
Yoo Joonghyuk silently walked up to the desk, before bringing his gaze down to the top left drawer. It was a locked drawer, something that could only be opened with a key. He reached into the pockets of his sweatpants that he hadn’t changed out of since two nights ago, and pulled out a small, silver key. He inserted it into the keyhole, but before he could twist it and see the contents inside, he paused.
A small, sliver of fear took hold of him.
Could he really…relive those memories again?
Yoo Joonghyuk wasn’t sure. These were memories of the past, and the past was something he shouldn’t dwell on. He knew this from experience. This was one of the main things that he strongly lived by. He learned of the consequences more than once. If he wanted to continue on with this day, if he wanted to sleep one more night, he shouldn’t open this drawer. If he wanted to spare himself from the inevitable heartache this object would bring him, Yoo Joonghyuk should absolutely not open this drawer.
His hand remained on the key, the tips of his fingers pinching its sides.
And with a click!, Yoo Joonghyuk opened the drawer, anyway.
Immediately, the rays of the sun reflected off the golden color of an old pocket watch. The hour and minute hand had stopped long ago, frozen at the time 2:15. Built-up dust blanketed its glassy cover, a telling sign of how long it had been hidden away in the darkness. Yoo Joonghyuk felt his mind go blank at the sight, and with a fierce sting, the fresh image of a certain man in a white coat popped up in his mind.
Wordlessly, Yoo Joonghyuk quietly picked up the pocket watch, and the smooth metal texture permeated his cool skin with warmth, which was strange. It had laid dormant inside this drawer for countless periods, yet it still radiated heat.
His gaze deepened inexplicably.
And so did the aching in his iron heart.
Yoo Joonghyuk remembered when he woke up from his hospital bed, after that whole ordeal with the constellations and demon kings. But most notably, after choosing not to regress. There wasn’t a single spot on his body that wasn’t torn horrendously, and even he had thought that he was about to take his last breath. After every near-death experience he’s gone through, this was the first time the regressor had struggled so fervently to keep his eyes open.
An intense determination swelled up in his chest at that moment--he wasn’t going to leave this round. He couldn’t. Things were going well, believe it or not, the destruction he had witnessed in his previous rounds didn’t occur here, and he was progressing faster than he expected. Yoo Joongyhuk was betting everything on this one, single round.
Not to mention…
「Wake up, please.」
「Hey, don’t mess around! You can recover! Do something!」
「Shit! Don’t go back! You jerk, leave him alone!」
「You can still survive! This round isn’t over! You can fight back against this guy! I can save you!」
…someone was desperately fighting for him.
Through the burning and overwhelming pain, so much so that he could barely feel all of his six senses, Yoo Joonghyuk still felt a bloody hand shove pills into his mouth while frantically using skills to keep his body intact. It was a desperate move, he noted. That guy was so eager in keeping him alive that Kim Dokja had the gall to slap him, a severely injured person, all to keep him awake. To keep him breathing.
Yoo Joonghyuk had never known such a person in his lifetime.
But what shocked him the most, was the trembling he heard in Kim Dokja’s voice. It was cracking horribly as if it was significantly scratched by rocks and on the verge of just collapsing altogether. And, if he listened closely, he could hear the quiet shaky breaths coming from the star who was deeply wounded himself.
That guy…was crying for him? Kim Dokja, of all people?
It was also at this moment that Yoo Joonghyuk was reminded of something.
「Incarnation Kim Dokja will be killed by the person he loves most.」
At this recollection, a soft warmth that was so foreign to him, bloomed in his chest. He suddenly had the urge to reach forward and grab the fiercely panicked man’s hand, to comfort him and reassure him that he wasn’t going anywhere. Because in this round…
…Kim Dokja was here. And it may have been the only round in the entire universe where such a person existed. So, Yoo Joonghyuk would definitely not die.
In the end, Kim Dokja left.
He remembered the moments after waking up in that hospital room, noticing the pocket watch strapped onto his arm first thing. It ticked quietly, reminiscent of his heartbeat. He stared at it for a while, somehow feeling a familiar connection to this metal object. It emitted a warm, yet cold sensation on his skin, and Yoo Joonghyuk wasn’t sure why.
When he looked out the window and spotted the company hanging outside, a frosty chill ran down his spine, and his heart went cold. The person he wished to see wasn’t there. Being the person he was, he thought the worst but quickly dismissed it. He shouldn’t jump to conclusions, that guy was probably preparing for the next scenario, being the workaholic he was. Yet, just as he was thinking this, a message appeared that automatically encased his heart in ice.
[Story, ‘Life and Death Companions’, is silent.]
Yoo Joonghyuk widened his eyes, and all the sounds in the world were silenced. He could hear nothing but the sound of his rapid heartbeat. His hands curled into tight fists, shaking almost imperceptibly. He slowly closed his eyes, calmed his breathing, and opened them again. Expressionless, he quietly pulled up [Midday Tryst] and stared at it for a beating moment.
In a slightly trembling voice, he sent a message.
And the only thing that responded:
[The message has been returned.]
No. Refusing to acknowledge his original thought, he sent another message, only to be given the same response. Still, he didn’t relent. He continuously sent messages, one after the other with an intense gaze, but after what may have been his sixtieth message, a defeated look flashed across his obsidian-black eyes. His gaze lowered, and two messages popped up that nearly shattered him whole.
[You have exhausted the quota for today’s messages.]
.
.
.
.
[The constellation ‘Demon King of Salvation’ doesn’t exist in the star stream.]
Doesn’t exist. Yoo Joonghyuk’s face twisted horribly.
It took everything within his willpower not to strangle Yoo Sangah when he grabbed her aside for answers, knowing full well that she was typically the person Kim Dokja confided in for revealing his plans (much to his dislike). He watched her closely, a ferocious glare prominent in his eyes.
Yoo Sangah, seeing the wrecked state the usually-collected regressor was in, gave a pitiful frown. He hated that expression.
“Dokja-ssi…” She began softly, “Has entered another world.”
She told him everything. How Kim Dokja was silently overworking himself to save the entire Industrial Complex from the Outer God, how he gave gifts to each of the party members without a deep explanation, how he stupidly threw himself into the monster’s mouth like the suicidal maniac he was.
And as a result, Kim Dokja’s whereabouts were unknown, once again.
Yoo Joonghyuk stood in silence, his eyes obscured by his messy black hair. He couldn’t feel anything. He stared at the white-tile floor, completely at a loss. Eventually, he picked his head up and with dull eyes, hoarsely asked Yoo Sangah, “Did he say anything, at the end?”
He saw the frown on Yoo Sangah’s face deepen, and her eyelids drooping excessively. A deep sadness was apparent across her eyes as if she was acknowledging the loneliness of a certain person.
“He said, ‘Please live.’”
Yoo Joonghyuk flinched.
And at the same time, anger and longing bubbled up in his chest. Two opposing emotions conflicted with each other, creating a storm of thoughts in the regressor’s already overwhelmed mind.
He was furious that Kim Dokja went off on his own accord again, walking into yet another dangerous plan by himself, completely abandoning his companions. He wanted to grab him by the neck and scream at him, Why? Why do you keep going alone? Why won’t you get in your thick fucking skull that no one likes waiting for you? He would scream these words until his voice was reduced to a broken record and the burning pain in his heart receded, just so Kim Dokja could fully understand how important he really was.
And after he screamed all these things, Yoo Joonghyuk would let go, and instead grab him by the forearm while looking down at the floor. And in a faint whisper, he’d finally say—
Why won’t you take me with you?
The next three years were something he did not wish to go through again, despite his experience with watching days pass by and by. As someone who was not new to the bearings of time and loss, Yoo Joonghyuk was able to continue moving through the scenarios without a hitch. Not to mention that this wasn’t the first time he was separated from Kim Dokja for long periods of time. Sure, it was the longest out of all of them, however, Yoo Joonghyuk held a certain hope that he’d see that fool again. He had to.
Still, fighting battles alone brought him back to the old days, a time when he couldn’t rely on others but himself, and had to bear the crushing weight of having to go through these hellish scenes over and over again, with no one to relieve him of it.
Kim Dokja changed that for him.
Yoo Joonghyuk stared at the pocket watch in his hand, his reflection peering right back at him. He could see the dark circles under his eyes, the dark stubble on his chin that he had yet to shave, and the unkempt hair that he hadn’t washed in 24 hours. He saw worse days, but that was during the scenarios. During the scenarios, Yoo Joonghyuk had a reason as to why he would look like utter shit. Blood, dirt, and sweat were a constant, they were bound to come back.
However, the scenarios were over.
Yoo Joonghyuk can finally live on with his life, he can go on another day without wondering how to prepare for the next battle. He no longer had to worry about the constellations sabotaging his plans, nor he had to worry about the Dokkaebis being conniving little fuckers.
His job as the Supreme King was over. His life as a regressor was over. Everything was over.
But, there was one thing that remained.
[You have not reached your ◾️◾️.]
Even after the <Star Stream>' was destroyed, and nearly all of the constellations gone and vaporized, as well as the Dokkaebis, this one message continued to linger around in his consciousness.
His story wasn’t finished.
Yoo Joonghyuk had expected to reach his conclusion after moving past the Final Wall and removing his regressor identity altogether, but that wasn’t the case. For the past two years, this message remained, acting as a drifting reminder of the kind of life he used to live as Supreme King Yoo Joonghyuk, and as Regressor Yoo Joonghyuk.
He hadn’t reached his conclusion, and he could guess why.
His reader, the person who witnessed all his hardships and journeys, wasn’t here to see his ending.
That day on the subway was still vivid in his mind. He remembered locking eyes on the small, fragile body of Kim Dokja curled up into a ball, floating in mid-air. He recalled the painstaking effort it took to reach him, the desperation that was boiling inside him, so much that it overcame all sensations. Yoo Joonghyuk had willingly placed himself back in the scenarios, a time he hated the most, just so he could bring his companion home.
And yet, he left with a permanent scar on his soul.
「The ‘Kim Dokja’ you know has scattered to the rest of the universe already.」
The moment he heard that his consciousness snapped. It was as if he was dealt a blow so unimaginably painful that his psyche simply could not withstand it. And so, darkness filled up his eyes and he entered a place that he had never seen before. It was a place of nothing, where all of his six senses were stripped and he was just there, simply existing. Due to his consciousness breaking, thoughts were not a thing either. It was like a void, where everything he knew of was not a concept.
However, there was one thing that this void didn’t consume.
His state of mind.
Inexplicable loneliness and sorrow overwhelmed the empty space, and at the very bottom of his soul, down to his core, was an aching so insurmountable that Yoo Joonghyuk immediately determined this moment to be the most agonizing of his life. It was a sensation that could never be put into words no matter how hard one tried because it simply would never be enough. Nothing would ever be enough to explain the torment of knowing that even if Yoo Joonghyuk spent millions of years searching, he would never get back the Kim Dokja that he fought alongside.
Forever, Kim Dokja would just be a fleeting memory that Yoo Joonghyuk could never reach again.
When they returned home, Yoo Joonghyuk shut himself in his room for an entire day and did not respond to anyone’s messages. The party members occasionally knocked on his door, reminding him to eat properly and ask if they could come inside. Of course, Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t reply. He simply maintained his unusual silence, not allowing anyone to bear witness to his current state.
At the time Yoo Joonghyuk had shut himself, he thought about a lot of things. Most of them were memories he had of Kim Dokja and those related to Kim Dokja. He replayed scenes he typically found annoying or bothersome, recalling the memories in such vivid details that he’d sometimes get lost in them.
And when he remembered that these were just memories, Yoo Joonghyuk felt a strange, profound emptiness stab at him. He was certain that if someone were to see him now, they would notice the black holes in his eyes, a mere glimpse into what he was experiencing. He could barely move, even if it was a small simple gesture.
Yoo Joonghyuk had never felt this way before. Not even for Lee Seolwha.
In the end, after that 24-hour period was over, Yoo Joonghyuk silently emerged from his room and acted as if nothing was ever the matter with him. He was expressionless as always, his indifferent gaze flickered about and his sharp eyebrows were drawn in a straight line. And when he spoke, which was a little rare, his voice did not give even the slightest clue of his troubled spirit. This clean-cut disguise successfully reassured the party members in believing that Supreme King Yoo Joonghyuk was alright, because of course. He was no stranger to loss, so it shouldn’t have been a surprise.
However, as much as Yoo Joonghyuk tried, he could not fool Han Sooyoung.
It took one simple glance between the two that Yoo Joonghyuk realized--she was the same. As she too, was also suffering at the loss of their reader, she was able to easily detect his hidden scars and gave him a look of understanding. Her eyes were deep with memories of the past, and her eyebrows were drawn straight. Similar to Yoo Joonghyuk, she also carried an expression of indifference. Though Han Sooyoung scowled here and there whenever she found something annoying, a piece of her had undoubtedly been lost. It was shown in her scolding--there was not as much fire as there was before. She was less boisterous and didn’t yell for longer than a minute. She’d seem tired afterward as if a huge chunk of energy had been sapped out of her.
Han Sooyoung stared at Yoo Joonghyuk, and Yoo Joonghyuk stared at Han Sooyoung.
And they both nodded at each other wordlessly.
Somehow, they would have to move forward.
That is what the past two years have been for Yoo Joonghyuk. Trying to move forward. He decided to get back to his original passion, which was gaming. He signed a contract with a streaming platform and uploaded his playthroughs there. However, it was not as easy as he thought it would be. Firstly, to most people, the scenarios were only a couple of years. But to Yoo Joonghyuk, it was decades. He had lived several lives and therefore had a mentality that most people found insufferable. He didn’t provide a lot of commentary or made facial expressions. If he did do an expression, it would be one of contempt. Either way, it did not provide the necessary entertainment. Still, at the beginning, Yoo Joonghyuk had a huge following. It was mostly for his devilishly handsome looks and his reputation as the Supreme King, and as the companion of the world’s savior, Kim Dokja.
Unfortunately, those characteristics did not help him last long.
After nearly a year, Yoo Joonghyuk suddenly fell into a depression. The emptiness that he had suppressed for months was all of a sudden unleashed, and he lost the motivation to continue gaming. He was not streaming as frequently, and they were much shorter than usual. Not to mention that Yoo Joonghyuk became even more insufferable, completely ignoring his fanbase and his own agency too. He adopted an uncaring attitude and seemed disconnected from the outside world.
He did try to make it work, as he was responsible for his younger sister, who was getting older, and made an effort to once again suppress the emptiness inside him. Yoo Joonghyuk was able to last for three more months until one day he just simply couldn’t anymore.
He went silent for an entire week, not even making a small announcement.
The hollow pit in his chest had grown considerably worse, and with each aching throb, he couldn’t help but think what if…
…what if he was here?
Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t permit himself to go any further than that, only choosing to sleep away on his bed, temporarily silencing his thoughts.
His agency eventually got tired of his lazy work ethic, and after a long, somewhat heated discussion, they terminated their contract. Out of respect for the man that played a large role in getting rid of the scenarios, they saved him some face and announced on his behalf that Yoo Joonghyuk would be taking an indefinite hiatus to focus on “other things”, as they put it.
Initially, he was annoyed by the entire ordeal, but as time passed and the suffocating sensation intensified, Yoo Joonghyuk felt that this was for the best. He wasn’t getting any better. His limbs began to weigh tons and had a hard time seeing color in his surroundings. In his eyes, everything was drenched in grey. The sun wasn’t enough to pierce through the darkness of his mind, and Yoo Joonghyuk could hardly perceive light. Constantly the man felt cold as if his bones were made of ice, and no matter how many blankets he’d cover himself with, even if he was bathing in steaming water, it would not give him the warmth that he needed.
Who knows how long he spent his days like this? Months passed and the feeling hadn’t gone away, but after being talked down by Yoo Mia, Yoo Joonghyuk eventually went back to gaming, after having a long, serious discussion with his agency. It was a hassle getting back the job, as his employers did not exactly trust him to be consistent. The agency also offered Yoo Joonghyuk therapy sessions, but the man refused as he was practically allergic to expressing his inner thoughts, especially to a total stranger. In the end, Yoo Joonghyuk renewed his contract and the two parties settled on an agreement.
He was not as popular as before, but it was enough to support both him and his younger sister. Yoo Joonghyuk continued with his life, suppressing the tightness in his chest that he felt each day, pushing away memories too dangerous for him to linger on. He had to move forward, for him and his sister.
For him, and his sister…
For him and his…
「Hey, Yoo Joonghyuk.」
For him…
「I’ll finish your story for you.」
For…
「Let’s make a nebula.」
.
.
.
How am I supposed to forget him?
Yoo Joonghyuk clenched the pocket watch in his hand, gritting his teeth tightly. His typically dull, black eyes shone with sheer anguish, a grief that had been forcefully pushed down suddenly exploding like a nuclear bomb. He collapsed onto the floor, his back against his bedframe, and held the pocket watch closely to his chest as if it was his most precious treasure.
There was no forgetting Kim Dokja. It was impossible from the start.
For years and years, Yoo Joonghyuk had only known pain and suffering. He was trapped by the chains of regression, constantly forced to relive his horrible experiences, forced to re-meet the people he knew would die eventually, because that was how fucked the <Star Stream>' was. No matter how hard he tried, Yoo Joonghyuk would always struggle to find a memory that brought him happiness, whether it was as minuscule as dust. If he did have one, it would be ruined by the events that transpired after. Painted black and red by the tragedies of the scenarios, never to be remembered as anything but.
Yoo Joonghyuk was a tortured slave, a man who was stuck and lost in a bottomless pit where the idea of rescue was nonexistent in his mind. He was doomed to walk the road of a tragic hero, with no one to relieve him of this inescapable burden.
That was until he met Kim Dokja.
Kim Dokja was a miscalculation, an error if you will, in Yoo Joonghyuk’s system of thoughts that he created out of self-preservation. He was a man that momentarily piqued Yoo Joonghyuk’s interest at the beginning--the office worker did not seem physically fit, he carried a sort of awkward yet cocky attitude, and most importantly of all, Yoo Joonghyuk had never seen him before, not even once. Who was he?
However, Yoo Joonghyuk quickly dismissed him, automatically concluding that he would be dead not soon after, even after the show the man put up on that bridge. He assumed that with such an attitude, Kim Dokja wouldn’t be able to endure the hardships of the scenarios. He was not within Yoo Joonghyuk’s calculations, after all.
Until he saw him again, at that subway.
Ever since then, Kim Dokja had been slowly, yet significantly pervading Yoo Joonghyuk’s seemingly strict life. He became someone that he saw on the regular, someone that he became familiar with, someone that he fought alongside, fought with, and eventually…someone that he trusted. Kim Dokja knew the future like he did, in fact, he knew much more than he did. And unlike Anna Croft, Kim Dokja was someone who didn’t use his vast knowledge for his own twisted greed. Instead, he relayed important pieces of information to his comrades, to Yoo Joonghyuk even.
And every time Yoo Joonghyuk had a serious conversation with Kim Dokja about the upcoming scenarios, how they should prepare for it, and such, he would always be left with a lingering speck of warmth. It was a warmth akin to a drop of soothing honey in his stomach, something that loosened his muscles and eased parts of his mind. Something that washed away the coldness of his heart.
Thinking about it now, Yoo Joonghyuk realized why he felt such sensations.
It was because Kim Dokja was the first person that Yoo Joonghyuk could confide in about the future. He was the first person that Yoo Joonghyuk could relay some of his past burdens onto, someone that he could trust to deal with issues that Yoo Joonghyuk himself previously had to attend to.
Kim Dokja made him feel reassured. On that lonely, dark, and cracked road, that guy walked with him without hesitation. He fought off the obstacles that threatened to ruin Yoo Joonghyuk, he gave him opportunities for the regressor to become stronger, and he even became the back that carried him when Yoo Joonghyuk could no longer walk.
Kim Dokja was there for him, every step of the way. He was the only person that understood all his troubles, thoughts, emotions, and the kind of life that he lived. And so, he willingly stayed by Yoo Joonghyuk’s side, pushing through the scenarios with him.
Heading towards the end together.
In that aspect, Kim Dokja became a person that Yoo Joonghyuk silently treasured.
He had the gut feeling that this turn was the only turn that Kim Dokja appeared in, and that made the fool all much more valuable to him. He was the companion, that Yoo Joonghyuk could not afford to lose. Perhaps it was the <Star Stream>’s gift to him, taking pity on him, or a simple error in the system. Regardless, Yoo Joonghyuk was immensely grateful for Kim Dokja. It was because of him entirely, that Yoo Joonghyuk lived a less tragic life.
It was because of Kim Dokja, that Yoo Joonghyuk was finally freed from his prison.
At this thought, a soul-shattering revelation came upon the sunken man, and his previously blank, dark eyes began to glisten with tears. His eyes were stretched wide as if he had discovered something so unbelievable, so shocking, and yet so unobjectionable. A question that once lived in the back of his mind for years, a question that he hasn’t even asked, was suddenly brought to the surface and became answered. And everything clicked.
The reason why, even if Yoo Joonghyuk refused to admit it, he was constantly thinking about Kim Dokja in one way or another. The reason why he was so emotionally impacted by his death in the eighth scenario. The reason why he felt fear for the first time at the Dark Castle. The reason why he had the strange urge to reach for Kim Dokja’s hand at the battle in the 73rd Demon Realm. The reason why, through each scenario, Yoo Joonghyuk was constantly checking up on him and making sure that everything was alright. The reason why, deep down, he experienced feelings of contentment whenever he dived into battle with Kim Dokja. The reason why, after all these years, that fool never left Yoo Joonghyuk’s mind, not even for a second.
The reason why, more than anything, Yoo Joonghyuk adamantly wished for Kim Dokja to reach the end with him…
A searing throb mercilessly stabbed at his chest, and the jet-black pupils of Yoo Joonghyuk were shaking, his eyes becoming visibly glassy. The hand that was holding the pocket watch trembled fiercely, and his breathing became heavier. A turbulent amount of emotions washed over him, and he was suddenly thrust into a new worldview. These emotions were not familiar, yet familiar at the same time. Yoo Joonghyuk recognized the burning warmth in his chest, how it branched out into vines that quickly spread throughout his body. He recognized how beautifully it felt, as if a field of flowers sprouted inside him, bringing peace and sunshine to a place that used to be desolate and full of conflict. He recognized the way simply thinking about this person would invite a happiness that Yoo Joonghyuk thought he’d never experience again.
His face cracked, contorting into an expression that was unattractively mixed with joy and suffering.
Kim Dokja was a bastard.
But, he was a bastard that Yoo Joonghyuk wanted to grow old with.
Without knowing when or how, Kim Dokja had become part of Yoo Joonghyuk, in one way or another. He showed up in manners of speech and thinking, in dreams and reminiscence, and in choice and actions. Before he knew it, Yoo Joonghyuk lived and fought with the hope, that after the scenarios ended, after the <Star Stream> was destroyed, he’d be able to live a nice, quiet life with Kim Dokja. A life where the two of them would help each other recover from the nightmare they barely escaped from, and seek solace in the other’s warmth.
Yes, that was what he hoped for. What he wished for.
And yet…
Yoo Joonghyuk stared at the pocket watch in his hands with an infinite, miserable gaze.
They were life-and-death companions.
So why was he the only one here?
Why was he the only one remaining?
Why…
The image of a small Kim Dokja popped up in his mind. His tiny frame was engulfed by his much larger white coat, and his eyes were peacefully closed, never to be opened again. His face had grown considerably small, so much so that it’d fit in Yoo Joonghyuk’s palm.
How much time had passed for Kim Dokja to be reduced to such a state?
How long…was he stuck in there, all alone in that empty space?
Yoo Joonghyuk trembled, his breaths turning shaky. He held the pocket watch closely, practically protecting it with his entire body. As he curled up on the floor, his heart immeasurably shattering to pieces, he could only think of that guy and his snarky smile. The sound of his smooth, soft, and arrogant voice that Yoo Joonghyuk used to hate hearing all the time…at least, that’s what he used to feel. He would give anything just to hear that voice again.
His cunning laughter. His frustrated shouts. His worried questions. Everything. Everything. Yoo Joonghyuk would kill just to hear them again.
Who would’ve thought?
A single tear slid down the scarred man’s cheek, his teeth roughly biting his lips, causing dark-red blood to ooze out. He had never felt such agony before in his life. It was equivalent to his heart being crushed underneath the Earth’s surface as it was stabbed continuously without a second to spare. Yoo Joonghyuk’s nails dug deeply into his skin, eager to just rip the internal organ out. He didn’t expect that harboring such strong feelings for someone would result in a catastrophic meltdown. This was the one thing Yoo Joonghyuk wasn’t familiar with, even though he experienced something similar with Lee Seolwha.
Regarding Lee Seolwha, she was indeed his first love. And she was indeed the person who taught him what love was, and the beauties of it. She was the one that introduced him to this new world of emotions, and Yoo Joonghyuk will always be grateful for that. It’s true that when she died, he discovered a new type of anguish, and as a result, he built walls upon walls around his heart, refusing to subject himself to this kind of pain again.
But with Kim Dokja, it was on an entirely different level.
Lee Seolwha was someone that Yoo Joonghyuk would always see again, regardless of how she viewed him. Her existence was permanent, and could never be erased.
Kim Dokja, on the other hand, was someone whose existence was not fixed and only appeared once. He was a shooting star that people would only ever get to see once in their lifetimes, and then never reappear again. He was a life that was unique to only this world, and now, that life was forever extinguished, never to be reignited.
At this moment, Yoo Joonghyuk truly, and sincerely learned what grief genuinely was, and the raw emotions that came with it. The deep sorrow in his heart was unimaginable, it ached him to the bones and knew there would be absolutely nothing in the world that’d relieve him of this misery unless a certain someone came. Yoo Joonghyuk was stuck in the bounds of time, forced to move forward without the person he fervently wished to be with, someone that he wanted to take care of and express his endless gratitude to him, to thank him for dealing with his bullshit and being the sole person that fought for him. To thank Kim Dokja for choosing to love Yoo Joonghyuk, despite all his flaws and tribulations.
And, similarly, to thank Kim Dokja…for giving Yoo Joonghyuk the blessing of what it felt to love again. Even if it resulted in an agony comparable to hell, even if it made him feel like he was at death’s door, Yoo Joonghyuk saw a shining sun in a darkness he thought he’d never escape from. He had found refuge, he had found a cloud, he had found a home. If he was given another chance, Yoo Joonghyuk would choose to love Kim Dokja all over again, without a moment of hesitation. He would love, love and love him, just as he loved, loved, and loved him now. And Yoo Joonghyuk would continue to love him because it is the final parting gift of a man that was undoubtedly his ending.
If only Yoo Joonghyuk had said something before it all came raining down.
For as long as he lived, this would be the ultimate regret that’d devour him alive in a slow, agonizing death.
The regret of not saying anything at all.
Come back, so I can tell you. Yoo Joonghyuk hunched over the pocket watch, his head dropped so low that his neck might snap. His curly, jet-black hair draped over his eyes, the silent burning tears trickling down his cheeks. His lips were torn from being bitten so profusely in order to suppress the guttural sobs lodged in his throat, the taste of iron powerful on his tongue. Pained grunts and labored breaths were the only thing that escaped.
Come back, so I can tell you… Yoo Joonghyuk lifted the pocket watch up to his face and quietly pressed it up against his forehead with an incurable love that was powerful enough to break him wholly. He closed his eyes tightly, imagining the face of a man that saved him, and loved him with all his being.
He imagined that Kim Dokja was in front of him, smiling softly and gently scolding the man for crying after all they’d been through. And Yoo Joonghyuk wouldn’t care at all, and only grab him by the neck before pulling him into a tight embrace, to stuff him inside his ribcage to prevent him from leaving ever again.
To never let him out of his sight, to keep him safe from the outside world, and to give him the warmth that Yoo Joonghyuk had been bottling up ever since that day in the 73rd Demon Realm.
To care for him unconditionally, a gift only unique to the person that stuck by his side, through every life. Through every. Single. Life.
And in a soundless whisper, he’d finally tell Kim Dokja,
…You are the person I love most, too.