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Chris McLean ran a show: Total Drama Is Land! But Now isn’t! IT’s in the air! But then it sanK! So now it’s aquatizc! OR different land. Different land indeed.
All of his actors were very cool and not annoying. There was Owen who wasn’t insufferable. And Harold who didn’t make me want to walk into my local games store and shoot up whoever was looking at Magic the Gathering cards. And of course, we have Gwen, the goth girl of all of the girls who weren’t goth. This season, Chris had brought them all back! And more! And he would be introducing a whole new challenge to the game.
“You all can win one hundred million dollars” Chris began, “but only if you survive.”
“You’ll be separated into three teams: Alphas, Betas, and Omegas. But the naming is irrelevant tbh. Every week you’ll compete in new challenges until the tide is turned to victory or you are not survived! Those are the two options.”
“WOwee kazowee” said Heather, very in characterly. Nothing was wrong with that line, she thought to herself. “That sounds mega uncool dude bro. What is my secondary gender designation?”
“Well heather, obviously you’re a omega because dam girl ffs. So is Zoe and Mike. And Izzy is obvs alpha.”
“This week’s challenge is: not not surviving! You’ll each be given a gun. With a butt load of bullets and ammo stuff. Use it to shoot people until they are dead! They are pretend dead! Ignore the blood! THis is cannon. They’re aren’t dead. Please don’t think about it! Whoever gets shot doesn’t survive and is no longer in the show. This is an elimination challenge. They will also not return for later seasons. For reasons. Here are your guns! Now get gaming campers!”
Everyone immediately upon receiving guns aimed towards Staci, including herself, and everyone shot her until she was dead, and then Chris gave them more bullets because they had run out because they kept shooting her. They then began the game in earnest. Heather quickly deduced that if we’re being real the teams are irrelevant and so she abandoned her team. For shame. Tyler was shot by Lindsay who was convinced that he was in fact, Heather. Tyler and Staci the first two dead but definitely not dead for real. Owen cannibalized six people before being taken out by the others for the good of humanity. Dakota quickly proved her skin was impervious to bullet-based warfare, as the Dakotazoid reigned terror on the lower midwest of the continental United States before ultimately running for Senator of Arizona with the Green Party. Shocking all Americans and also Canadians, Dakotazoid won her seat, becoming one of the first third party candidates in the Senate. More impressively, she successfully culled down the US Senate by 78% with her fire breath and inability to distinguish between peanut and people. God pbless america. Ultimately of course, she would need to be taken out by the military, but after that proved impossible, she ventured into the sea for her thousand year slumber which, for the purposes of this reality tv show, we’re going ot count as death, eveen if, like SJesus Christ himself (that’s right, Total Drama is christian now) what was i taling about, she will return one day, and send us all ot heaven or hell. Hell , if we’re being real.
Gwen and COurtny married. And then, after Courtney became a member of law enforcement because ofc she would, she would later kill her wife in murder suicide as domestic abuse is overwhlmingly common in law enforcement. God please. If there was a god, no there wasn’t.
Mike was overtaken by his secret evil alter Maller. Maller, was baller. He smoked so many joints all at once and then did shootings which is cool. He wore sunglasses and said tubular. And radical. Specifically in referring to the tubular teachings of radical far right canadian nationalists. Maller was a lot of things. Eventually he was dead too, as we all do die eventually amen. Maller was killed when Chester came back witha gun also. And killed him dead with bullets which you can do as an alter to another alter without harming yourself or physical host form by using bullets.
Sic semper tyrannus said izzy, shooting chris to death in a back alley. Thus always. Izzy became the new chirs except so much worse. Izzy made challenges out of torturing her contestants like security guards do prisoners in the United Statees. Eventually, it came out that Izzy was short for Jizzus. Which was actually Jesus’s real name. A lot of the bible was mistranslated,apparently. Because Jizzus was a woman. And very very very very very violent. Very violent. What she did to those children is an unforgivable act under any and all moral code. Except those which venerate the systemic and procedural maximalization of potential warcrimes against minors. She too was killed, before the challenge was over, by her most trusted advisor, Chef Jr. the fourth, the descendant of Chris McLean and Chef who did big gay raw anal sex in the ass which as we all know makes a baby std. and then they adopted.
B was silent, as he always was. Which helped when he ritually assassinated and disemboweled Katie and Sadie. He ended their lives as if they had value. It was almost beautiful until he began to eat them for sustenance. It had been six weeks since he had last seen someone. The entire crew had ended up abandoned in the expansive and near endless woods of the Yukon. Lightning eventually joined him, taking out Lindsay, Ezekiel, and Brick. But once B began to take pleasure in the deaths, Lightning had to end his closest friend… and love. He kissed him passionately before shooting him to death with a hidden gun that was hiding. It was a kiss. Of death. It was so beatufil that everyone present cried and also clapped. B cried and clapped. And also so did Lightning. They were so proud… It was beautiful. Lightning would later be removed by Cameron, yet again in a poetic reprise of the finale of whatever season they showed up in together. Cameron utilized strategic thinking, clever planning, smart thinking, and even being smart. BUt mostly? The gun. Guns are somehow somewhat powerful in some ways.
Cody, supremely jealous of Trent for existing and not having to be Cody, killed him, in cold codyless blud. This was tragic and sad except nobody gave ashit. When Cameron showed up, Cody sucked Sierra on him because she’sbasically his bottom even tho she’s the alpha which is weird but it makes sense. Cameron was eated out by the woman who once loved him because she thought that he was the guy who just sucked her on him. And then deaths. Cameron, from dying, and Sierra, from being died. Cody would also be died, one day, when he was shot in the head by Cameron, it was the same day when he did the killing and being dead. It was worth it, he thought, as he died. To be the last person in total drama history to be killed for the tim ebeing until someone else was killed. Truly an honor that he was subjected to. Poor man.
Alejandro was in love with heather but he could never compete with women because honestly let’s be honest: who the fuck can? When heather stopped focusing on the money and started focusing on not dying, she realizd, love is pretty fuckin gay man. Fuckin gay as fuck. She made out with her dearest Jo who was also a villain which was relevant somehow. Also jo is just a butch lesbian. Alejandro was horribly sad at this revelation and murdrerd jo. Heather then killed alejanrdo because dying was what suited him best when being a homophobe. And heather, in sadness over her lost love, didn’t really do much, i mean come on, she’s heather.
Noah was around, much to my surprise in writing this. Fuck. Noah killed Harold because someone fucking had to. SOmeone HAD TO. I Can’t stand him. GOD FUCKING DAMN HAROLD. Not in my country, amen indead… Duncan, in seeing his lost love die was very sad. That was bad for himbut chris didn’t get them therapist’s, despite the government’s insistence. Technically, tehy were allowed to talk to chef but nobody really took advantage of that policy, except for harold. And let’s be real. Nobody wants to be harold. Not even his boyfriend. Noah killed him too, out of pity. And by pity, i mean wanting money. Which makes sense. Because let’s be real: MONEY $$$$$$$$. Heather, knowing her opponent to be Scott at this point, muffled him with a pillow in his sleep, despite producer insistence that she please please just shoot him. But she didn’t. Shee took pleasure in the murder killing. This was a beautiful thing probably to someone. Dawn didn’t agree. Using her psychic aura reading powers, she stealthed onto Heather and did a whole murder on her soul until there was nay but a husk of what was meant to be, and in seeing that, chose to remove it from reality. Zoe died in a cave like an idiot because nobody wants to die violently. Noah was similarly removed by the elements. Leaving only Dawn left. Unfortunately, everyone who could give her money was dead, so she was simply left to cry and mourn her fallen companions. Thankfully, Chris came to her, descending from Hell on a cloud with two little wings like an angel, and in his outstretched hand, direct to her, he held a 9mm Desert Eagle.
The End.