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“I wish I knew how to tell you everything you deserve to hear,” Chan says, brushing Minho’s newly dyed hair from his eyes.
Minho smiles and lightly shakes his head. He closes his eyes and rests his head on Chan’s shoulder. He lets his actions speak for him, as usual. Sometimes, he wishes he could tell Chan everything he deserves to hear too but he can’t. He just…can’t.
While the crickets surrounding Chan’s apartment complex keep chirping, Minho reaches out to grab Chan’s hand. He feels content with the way things are right now. He hates being away from Chan. The fact he hadn’t seen him in three weeks made him feel nauseous. Three long weeks in which two were spent in radio silence. He doesn’t know how he survived.
Minho picks up his phone and types in his notes app, “I wish you didn’t ignore me for so long, Chan. I love you and missed you every day.” He shows it to Chan to which he responds by picking up his bong.
“I know,” Chan says after inhaling the air from his bong then exhaling. He looks at Minho before squeezing his hand. “I know.”
-
Minho wakes up. It’s a dream. It’s just a dream. Even if it’s a dream, Chan is still the same. Not even Dream-Chan remembers to say I love you back. He gets up from his bed and heads straight to the bathroom before going outside.
Minho has been seeing Chan for a few months. Sometimes he forgets what’s it like to be ‘free’. He doesn’t know the meaning of being free to be fair. A lot of people would argue that Minho is free. But is he really?
Today, he’s planning to meet Changbin at the nearby cafe opposite his apartment complex. Apparently, he knows something Minho doesn't. Minho’s not dumb, he knows what that could mean.
After a few minutes, Changbin arrives and sits opposite Minho at his table. He has this look in his eye - one that’s sympathetic but tired. Mostly tired of saying the same thing over and over again. Minho gets it. He’d be tired too.
“Min,” Changbin starts off. He reaches out and softly grabs his hand from under the table. Minho has no idea how his own hand got there. All he knows is that he finally stops shaking. When did he start shaking?
Minho looks at their hand and hums, signifying that he’s listening. He acknowledges Changbin’s presence. He knows he’s there.
“It’s about Chan...” Changbin sighs.
There it is, Minho thinks. He knew it was coming. He can feel his toes wiggling in his boots and suddenly the quiet, empty cafe’s a bit too loud. He can feel every fabric in the shirt he’s wearing, the shirt Chan left at his apartment one night a few weeks ago.
Minho quickly averts his eyes and looks out the window where no one seems to be roaming the usually busy city streets. That’s new.
Changbin notices the shift in his body movements and gently squeezes his hand, then turns it over to rub small circles in the middle of his palm. He starts speaking and as much as Minho wants to shut his ears he can’t. He’s hyperfocused on what Changbin is saying, or wants to say.
“Min, I know we’ve had this conversation before but he’s really not good for you.” There it is, Minho thinks again. The classic sentence. “Last night, you came over with tears in his eyes because he was ignoring you. You probably don’t remember but I had to drop you home around midnight,” Changbin continues. “He doesn’t love you.”
Minho wants to tell Changbin he’s wrong but he can’t. Chan treats him like a disposable plastic bag. On some days, he’ll only respond only after three in the morning but that shouldn’t make him a bad person. Being bad means requesting bad things from someone who doesn't want to do said bad things. Chan has never asked for any crude images or demanded things Minho wouldn’t want to do. How is he a bad person?
“I can tell what you’re thinking, Min. You wear your emotions on your face. Just because he never requests anything necessarily ‘bad’ from you, doesn’t mean he’s a good person. Good people don’t leave you feeling worthless when you ask to meet up.
Minho doesn’t want to listen anymore. He finally blocks out everything Changbin says. He hates Changbin. He wishes he would disappear. But he’s right. Changbin’s right. Changbin’s always right. Why is he never wrong? He wishes Changbin was wrong about Chan… sweet and thoughtful Chan who always makes him feel like he’s asking for too much.
Minho wishes Chan would treat him like he treats his ‘best friend’ Felix. His best friend who seems to know Chan so much better than Minho, his own boyfriend, does. His best friend who always sleeps over, who always receives texts before three in the morning, who always knows what he likes, who gets on so much better with his family than Minho ever will.
After a while, Changbin stops speaking and finally lets go of Minho’s hand. “Do you want me to take you home?” he says.
Minho nods his head and agrees because he doesn’t hate Changbin.
-
min98
can we meet up? i really miss you
sent two days ago at 6:08pm
chan please i just want to see you
sent yesterday at 7:48pm
please
sent at 12:18am
bang97
can’t, sorry. really busy. gotta drop lix at the train station tmr.
sent at 3:08am
min98
okay
sent at 3:09am
-
Chan is not a bad person. Chan respects me. Chan loves me. Chan makes me feel different. I haven’t felt like this in ages. Chan is not a bad person.
Minho stares at his journal and looks at the entry he just wrote. He hasn’t written anything about his day yet. Just Chan. Chan who kissed him a few weeks ago and hugged him when he couldn’t calm down. Chan who now, ghosts him whenever he suggests they meet up but accepts every offer there is to meet up with his boyfri- his best friend Felix.
Felix is not Chan’s boyfriend. Minho is. But why doesn’t it feel like it? Why does it feel like Minho is stealing his boyfriend from who he’s actually supposed to be with? Chan, sweet Chan.
Minho feels jealous. He should’ve done something. But what kind of boyfriend would he be to control who Chan remains friends with? A jealous one. But… where do you draw the line between what counts as a friendship? Minho barely sees Chan anymore. Felix sees Chan every day. Felix knows what it feels like to be accepted by Chan’s family while Minho doesn’t.
Minho decides to shut his thoughts off. He shuts his journal and opens his phone to look at his and Chan’s chat. There are no new messages. Chan, his sweet Chan, decided to ghost him again. It’s been two days since Minho sent the last message. He can hear Changbin’s voice telling him that this isn’t love.
Just when Minho was about to head to his kitchen, he hears a knock at his door. When he opens the door, he is expecting to see the mailman who usually delivers his Amazon packages. Instead, he sees Felix’s best friend. His boyfriend. His sweet Chan.
Minho looks at the man in front of him with shock in his eyes as if to say “What are you doing here?”
Chan smiles and opens his arms as if expecting Minho to hug him and forgive him for answering his messages every five to seven business days.
It’s not fair. He knows Minho has non-verbal episodes where he can only communicate via text until then but chooses to ghost him every time.
Minho hugs him. He forgets every bad thing Chan has done. Like he usually does because Chan is a good person unlike what Changbin says.
“Hey, sweet pea,” Chan says, kissing Minho’s forehead. “I just thought I’d come visit.”
Minho grabs his phone and types “I miss you” and shows it to Chan who ruffles his hair and responds with “I know”. If Minho feels a pang in his chest, he chooses to ignore it.
“My mom’s over and you know how she is with her asthma,” Chan says, feigning sympathy, “Do you think I could stay here a bit? I wanna hit my bong.”
Minho nods his head. He hates the smell of marijuana but he loves Chan. If Chan didn’t love him back, he would’ve asked Felix.
“I really didn’t wanna disturb you because I know how you love having your afternoons to yourself,” Chan says, getting himself comfortable in Minho’s living room. “I would’ve gone to Felix’s but he can’t stand the smell of marijuana.”
Oh.