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Being Tsurugi was not an easy task. He had so much that he had gone through in his life. So many things he had to do and now redo apparently. But beyond that, there was something else that made being him not an easy thing.
He didn't feel like he belonged. Not in the way he was perceived, at least. None of the other kyurangers were aware of a lot of things regarding him. This was one he was very hesitant to be open about. No one had ever taken well to what he told them.
Sure, a lot of time had passed since then. Maybe people were more accepting these days. Maybe what he was feeling wasn't a complete mystery. But what if it was? What if there was just something wrong with him? What if no one else felt this way and he was flawed in some way that he didn't realize?
That was how Tsurugi ended up in Spada's room at an ungodly hour of the night. His boyfriend was not exactly pleased to be woken up so late, but was willing enough to listen to him ramble on. To a degree.
Tsurugi was sat on the edge of the bed while Spada was still laying down on it.
"So... I don't know if this is going to sound crazy to you or not but... do you ever just... not feel like a boy? I... I don't. But I don't feel like a girl either. Do you understand what I'm saying or am I just insane? Is it normal to be so disconnected like that? Is something wrong with me?" Tsurugi did indeed ramble on.
"You don't feel like you're a guy but you also don't feel like you're a girl..." Spada repeated, half-asleep as he did so, "Then are you nonbinary...?"
"What's... non... nonbinary?" Tsurugi questioned. He had never heard that term before.
"What you just said. Not feeling like either gender. You're kind of in the middle. Neutral, I guess." Spada explained, "Now can I go to bed?"
"There's a term for... what I'm feeling?" Tsurugi whispered, "I... I'm not crazy...?"
"Did that term not exist when you first started feeling that way?"
"Yeah." Tsurugi laid down on the bed now, "Every time I tried to explain to someone what I felt like, I was... laughed at, called crazy, told I was confused, you name it. No one accepted it. That maybe I wasn't a guy. Well, they'd accept it if I was a girl instead... maybe. Probably still would've gotten harassed but at least I'd have been understood."
Spada sighed, "Well, now you have a word to put to it. Please let me go to bed..."
"But, Spada-"
Spada let out an annoyed groan, before promptly silencing Tsurugi via pulling him close and smashing their lips together. It caught the older by surprise and did very effectively shut him up once it ended.
"Goodnight." Spada stated and then pulled the covers over himself with a huff.
"Good...night." Tsurugi repeated.
After taking a minute to collect himself, Tsurugi moved in closer to Spada's side and wrapped his arms loosely around him.
...
Spada should've realized even if he stopped Tsurugi for the rest of the night, he was far from free of the talking. Not long after their day began, Tsurugi was pestering him once more with things. They were currently sat at a table in a, thankfully, empty room.
"I never met someone who felt the same as me before. Do you think I'll ever meet someone now?"
"I don't know. People don't generally disclose their gender identity to strangers."
"Should I tell everyone else my discovery? I think they should be aware. Right?"
"I don't think you need to rush to tell them." Spada replied.
"I suppose not. But they should know about this legendary development." Tsurugi replied.
"Tsurugi, please... it's too early for this..." Spada sighed, resting his head on the table.
"Nonsense. It's plenty late enough to be having this talk. We haven't even gotten to half of my story either."
Spada groaned as Tsurugi proceeded to launch into explaining when he first started to realize something was up. How in the universe did he fall for Tsurugi of all people? He was way too much sometimes. But then again that was part of what enticed him so much.
"My parents were always quite unsupportive of what I wanted to do, so this was just another punch in the gut for them. It actually was this that made me completely cut contact with them."
Spada tuned in at that, "Eh? Your parents were that bad?"
Tsurugi frowned suddenly and lowered his voice, "Yeah... kept calling me a failure of a child. Even joked that I must not be their kid cause no kid of theirs could be this stupid."
"Tsurugi..." Spada sat back up and gave him a worried look, "Have you... never been supported in anything?"
"No... not until I got my kyutama and became friends with all the other saviors. They just assumed that was how people were on earth so no one had any issues with me. But... everyone back home thought otherwise."
"Jeez... I didn't realize." Spada said, "I guess that explains why you're so talkative."
"Am I really being that talkative?"
"Yes."
"Should I... stop?" Tsurugi asked, seeming a little dejected.
Spada shook his head, "No. Go on. I'm listening. I want to hear what you have to say."
"Uh... where was I then..." Tsurugi was a bit thrown off, but collected himself again, "Once I went off into space I opted to choose a new name. One that suited me better than the name they gave me."
"So Tsurugi is a name you gave yourself?"
"Yep. It just felt right."
"It does suit you. You chose a really good name." Spada offered a smile.
"You're the first person to know that Tsurugi isn't my real name." Tsurugi said, "I never told anyone. I was nervous they'd ask for that name and insist I should be called it. I know a lot of cultures say that names are very sacred and shouldn't be messed with. I didn't wish to upset anyone."
"How about instead of real name you call it your deadname or birth name?" Spada suggested, "That's what most call it."
"That does sound better." Tsurugi agreed, "You know a lot about this."
Spada shrugged, "Just so happened that I've met quite a few that were trans in my life."
"This development doesn't make you see me any differently, does it?" Tsurugi asked.
As confident as he tried to sound while asking that, a bit of nervousness crept into his voice. Everyone always treated him differently once he told them this. He couldn't help but be worried this would be the same.
Spada took a minute to reply, "Well, not really. Just the whole knowing how lonely and isolated you've been makes me feel bad for you."
"I got very used to it. You have no need to-"
Spada cut him off, "You shouldn't have needed to get used to it."
Tsurugi didn't have a response. He stayed silent and just nodded. He knew that. But he didn't like to face that fact. With no one there to ever support him, he had learned how to shut down entirely so nothing could hurt him anymore.
"Tsurugi."
Tsurugi glanced up at Spada.
"I love you. And because I love you, I want to help you heal from your past. I want to make sure you always feel loved and supported."
Tsurugi wasn't sure what to say, "I... thank you..."
"Like I said, you don't have to rush to tell the others, but whenever you want to, you should. I'm sure they'll all accept you. And then you'll have all of us to go to for support if anyone else ever gives you a hard time."
"My word... I really never thought this day would happen." Tsurugi said, "It was drilled in my head that I was messed up and no one would ever understand me. To see that it isn't true... really wasn't a thought I had much."
He truly had never thought a day like this would come. Even for the long time he had been alive before his cryo sleep, not much had changed. He had doubted that would be much different in this era but apparently he had been completely wrong.
"Your parents suck. If I ever met them I'd have punched them for how they've treated you." Spada stated, "You deserved so much better."
Tsurugi let out a small, bitter laugh, "I haven't even told you how they reacted when I told them I had a boyfriend in high school."
"You really were just everything they hated, weren't you?" Spada shook his head, "They're really lucky they never met me. I'd not stand back as they harassed you."
"Wish he could've said the same." Tsurugi sighed, "But his parents were the same as mine."
"At least things are a bit better now. Which is shocking considering the whole Jark Matter thing."
"Yeah."
"You alright?" Spada asked.
Tsurugi nodded. It was a bit hard to talk about his family and everything they had put him through, but he felt alright. He was in a much better place without them around to try and control his life. He had found such a wonderful family to call his own.
"Can we tell everyone after lunch?" Tsurugi asked, "I want to do it today. I'm ready."
"Of course. I'll support you however you want to go about this." Spada agreed.
"Thank you. I'm really grateful to have found such a legendary group of people to call my family." Tsurugi smiled, "And especially grateful for you. Despite our differences and my initial attitude to you, you've decided to give me a chance. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. I really couldn't."
"It's not like you to be so open." Spada commented, "So to hear you say all of that means a lot."
"You deserve to know that." Tsurugi replied. He really wasn't one to show his feelings this much. Especially not in words.
"We should probably get going. We've been here for a while. Someone might come looking for us soon."
"Can I... ask for one more thing?" Tsurugi said.
Spada nodded.
"Can I have a kiss?"
"Not like you to ask." Spada said, "But yes, of course you can have a kiss."
Tsurugi smiled as Spada leaned over the table and kissed him on the cheek. He returned the gesture before Spada could pull away.
"Spada? Will everyone know what nonbinary means or will I have to explain it?" Tsurugi questioned as the thought just popped into his head.
"That I don't know. I'm not entirely sure how each of their respective systems handle gender and stuff. Guess we'll find out later. You can look to me if you need a hand during it, okay?" Spada replied.
"Okay." Tsurugi nodded.
"Now let's see what everyone else is up to."
...
After lunch was over, everyone was in the main room. The commander had a mission to debrief them all on that they would start tomorrow. It was a perfect opportunity to do what he wanted to. Now he didn't have to gather everyone.
So, once Shou Ronpo finished, Tsurugi asked if he could say something. He did add that it wasn't to do with anything they had just discussed.
Everyone gave him their attention. Tsurugi took in everyone's expressions. Most didn't seem too interested in him wanting to speak.
"Well, um..." Tsurugi cleared his throat, "I have something to say. I... I'm nonbinary."
He waited a little anxiously for the response. Spada stood by his side, holding one of his hands. Tsurugi nervously glanced around. He knew there should be no reason to be worried about their reactions, but after how long he had been rejected for it was hard to not be a bit scared.
"So... is there something we need to do or was that it?" Raptor was the first to speak, albeit very hesitantly.
Tsurugi blinked at her for a minute, before turning to Spada. What did that mean? Was there something else he was supposed to say?
"Do you want us to change how we refer to you in any way?" Spada said.
"No. I'm quite content this way."
"Then that's all."
That ended the meeting quite quickly. No one seemed to exactly know if they should say more or not. Tsurugi also had no idea if he wanted them to say much either. It might be nice to just get a few words saying they support him even if he knew they already did.
Unsurprisingly, Lucky decided to approach him, "How come you waited until now to tell us?"
"I..." Tsurugi paused, "Um, I only learned that word yesterday."
"Oh. Well I'm glad you found a word that describes you." Lucky replied, "We'll all support you no matter what, but you know that."
"Indeed."
After Lucky did that, it seemed to have given everyone else a push to do the same. It was very simple words of support, but it meant a lot to Tsurugi. This was the first time he finally had a place to belong and be himself fully and unapologetically. Everyone liked him the way he was.
"Please tell me that's the only thing you've been questioning." Spada said to him once they were alone. It was a lighthearted comment. Not one to be taken literally.
"I believe that is all I needed to figure out." Tsurugi replied, "But if I think of anything else I will be talking to you about it."
"I'll do my best to help." Spada promised, "Not like everyone else doesn't seem to also ask for my advice on a lot of things."
"You're very good at it." Tsurugi said.
"I want to do what I can to help everyone. They're my family." Spada replied, a small smile forming on his lips.
"You know... now that I've thought about it I did think of one more thing to talk about." Tsurugi said.
Spada let out a fond sigh and rolled his eyes, "And what would that be?"
"Spada, have you ever heard of autism?"