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Kazuki wakes to the distant sound of the tv.
He blinks blearily at the clock. 3am.
At first he wonders if maybe he’s imagining it; the television is never used for anything other than Morio Kart these days, and he finds his ears ringing with the victory sound every time he’s lucky enough to catch a moment of silence, like some cruel form of tinnitus. But, as he leans closer to the door, he’s sure he isn’t dreaming it this time.
It’s Rei, still up. And while all-nighters aren’t uncommon for him, Kazuki can’t help but be a little concerned. Since they all got home from Miri’s Christmas party earlier that evening, he’s barely said a word. Which again, whilst that’s normal for Rei, his mood had quickly shifted once they stepped inside the apartment, Kazuki noticed. They ate together, and Miri and Kazuki were quick to retire to bed. Rei said he wouldn’t be long after them, but that clearly wasn’t the case.
The melancholic chime of the game over screen echoes up the staircase, and it's like a punch in Kazuki’s gut. It drags him back to not so long ago, when Miri had gone and it was all Rei could do to lose, and lose, and lose again. It calls Kazuki to check on his partner. So, pulling on a t-shirt and stifling a yawn, he limps out of his bedroom and down the stairs.
As expected Rei is in the living room, sitting far too close to the tv. Kazuki doesn’t know if he notices him come in, but if he does he doesn’t react, transfixed on the race in front of him, eyes glazed over with gleaming numbness. Kazuki watches him for a minute. Even he can tell Rei’s not doing very well; he seems to be stuck in 12th place.
Kazuki picks up the remote, turning the volume down a few notches.
“Miri’s asleep, you know.”
All he gets in response is a soft grunt.
Kazuki puts his hands on his hips.
“Show me your wound.”
Rei doesn’t respond, only holds out his injured arm slightly, wincing in pain as he does so. His eyes are still glued to the screen. It’s then Kazuki notices he’s been playing with one hand. Maybe that’s why he’s losing.
The blonde walks around to the small kitchenette, grabbing a wipe and a clean bandage. He kneels beside Rei and takes off his current bandage, being as careful as he can not to jostle him too much. Still, he stares at the screen. As Kazuki follows his eyeline, it pops up again. ‘GAME OVER’ in huge red letters. Rei breathes a long, suffering sigh as he clicks off the screen, back to the main menu to start again. Kazuki frowns, turning away and redressing Rei’s arm. Tying off Rei’s new bandage, he gives him a small pat on his forearm, and Rei angles his head towards him, keeping his eyes on the tv.
Kazuki is cautious with his words.
“You okay?”
“...yeah.”
It’s Kazuki’s turn to sigh.
“You should come to bed, Rei.” He doesn’t mean it to sound as suggestive as it does, but he’s sure Rei won’t pick up on it. “You’ve been playing Morio Kart since we got back from Miri’s party.”
“Went to bed already. Couldn’t sleep.”
“Did you go to bed or go to bathtub?”
Once again Rei didn’t respond. He doesn’t need to.
“You have a perfectly good bed in your room you don’t use, maybe that’s why you can’t sleep.”
On reflection, maybe that was a bit insensitive. Rei’s eyebrows sink a little at his partner’s comment, but he doesn’t justify it with a response. Were there other things keeping Rei from resting?
Kazuki strides towards the tv, as best as he can with his injured leg, and stands threateningly close to the off button.
“Rei, go to bed.”
Rei pulls a face, similar to the one he pulls when Kazuki tells him they’re out of choco rings. He exhales sharply through his nose.
“Fine.” He puts down his controller.
Kazuki smiles, reaching for his good arm to help him up. He pulls Rei’s dead weight from his slumped position on the floor, interlinking their fingers as he guides them towards the stairs. And maybe that’s a bit selfish, a bit self indulgent of him, but Rei doesn’t pull away, so Kazuki doesn’t either. Rei follows behind him, and it’s not too dissimilar to leading a tired Miri to bed. They reach the landing linking the bedrooms, and they stop. Pushing his door open, Kazuki turns to his partner.
“Goodnight, Rei.”
If he had a bit more confidence he might tell Rei how he’s feeling. Perhaps if their communication was as good as any normal partners’. But no, perhaps not. He moves towards his bedroom door. In his peripheral vision, however, he sees Rei standing still. He turns back to face him.
“Rei?” he says, softly.
“I don’t want to sleep right now.”
“But you just-”
“I nearly lost you tonight,” Rei says, in a voice uncharacteristically small. He avoids his eyes. “I don’t want to leave you just yet.”
Kazuki softens. It’s true, he nearly lost Rei tonight too. It’s something of a miracle that they’re stood here right now. And though they’ve nearly lost each other many a time, something was different tonight. He sees Rei in an unfamiliar light. He’s frightened; vulnerable.
He smiles at his partner, opening his door a little wider and gesturing. Rei glances at him under thick waves of black hair, and steps into the bedroom, Kazuki following behind.
It’s dark, and Kazuki fumbles for his bed a bit, but he climbs under the covers, half expecting Rei to join him. Though he supposes he shouldn’t be surprised when he turns around and can just about make out his lanky figure, standing in the corner awkwardly. He pats the space next to him in a way that he hopes is encouraging.
“Coming in?”
Rei hesitates, scratching the back of his neck a little, but after a few seconds of Kazuki gazing at him in expectation, he slips into bed next to him, nestling as close as he dares, which isn’t quite close enough for Kazuki. Gingerly, the blond slides an arm over his waist, pulling him into his chest. Rei doesn’t protest, and this time when he sighs, he’s sure it’s a sigh of relief.
Kazuki buries his nose in his partner’s hair. He smells of cigarettes and lynx aftershave, but if Kazuki focuses hard enough he thinks he can catch the scent of the french toast they had this morning. Well, yesterday morning. He tucks a strand behind his ear.
“Wanna talk?”
“I should’ve killed him.”
So that’s what was keeping him awake.
“Maybe,” Kazuki offered. What else could he say? “You did what you had to.” He hoped that would comfort him enough.
“He’ll be after us, Kazuki.”
“Not for a while.” There’s some truth in that. It will take the organisation a while to recover from tonight’s events, he’s sure. How long, one can’t say. But they’ve bought themselves enough time to come up with something. Kazuki rolls slightly onto his back, Rei now tucked neatly into his right hand side. He feels his partner nestle a little closer, feels the hot contact of skin on skin when his nose brushes the crook of his neck. His unruly hair tickles his jaw.
“We have time, Rei. I promise.”
Rei fidgets a little. He drapes a leg sleepily over Kazuki’s waist, and Kazuki feels his cheeks redden involuntarily. Carefully, Kazuki places a hand on his hip, slowly sneaking it up under Rei’s t-shirt. The younger man makes no effort to stop him, even leans into his touch so slightly that Kazuki isn’t sure if he imagined it. His fingers explore his bare back, granting them the closeness they’re both craving. Over the ridges and valleys of his scars, Kazuki learns all their stories, and with every new bump he touches, he feels he knows the man next to him a little bit more.
The last time someone lay so close to him they'd been paid a good price, and Kazuki was still fizzy from alcohol and sex. Now the contrast is stark, and the warmth radiating from Rei was nearly suffocating. But in a good way. If Rei would be the death of him he couldn't bring himself to mind.
“So, where to? From here?” Rei’s voice is a little muffled, and Kazuki feels the slight vibration of his voice against his chest.
Kazuki’s fingers halt over a particularly prominent scar. He places his palm flat over it, and thinks. Their chance at a normal life. It doesn’t seem real; just some silly pipe dream he’s always entertained. But now the whole world lies before them. They could go anywhere, be anyone.
“I’d like to live by the sea,” he answers eventually. That’s all, he thinks. A simple wish.
“Hm. Sounds good.”
“We could open a restaurant.”
“Yeah, you like cooking.”
“You could make your french toast! It rivals even mine y’know.”
Kazuki is sure he can feel the quirk of Rei’s lips, in that half sort of smile he does.
“We’ll see.”
Silence settles again. Kazuki’s hand resumes its roaming, while he brings his other up to card through Rei’s thick hair. Their breathing syncs, and Kazuki tries hard not to let it lull him to sleep. He has to appreciate this moment for as long as it lasts. Listening closely to his breaths, Kazuki is sure Rei has fallen asleep, and he’s about to close his eyes when his partner speaks again.
“There’s… one more thing.” He feels Rei’s fingers ghost over the bullet wound by his left shoulder, the one Ogino left there only a few days prior. It’s still bandaged, but he feels it all the same.
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“You make me feel weird.”
Oh.
“It’s not a bad thing.” Rei is quick to correct himself. “It’s just… weird.”
Oh?
“That's kinda vague.”
“Sorry.”
“Could you.. maybe explain a bit?”
Rei coughs a little.
“Well sometimes when you’re around I feel kinda, warm, and I get like a pit in my stomach, and when you smile at me it makes me feel a bit nauseous, and when you touch my hips when you move past me in the kitchen I get all tingly and sweaty and…” he trails off.
It’s then it clicks, and he fits together the pieces.
“Kazuki, I think I love you.”
Love, huh?
He is sure if the lights were on this would be the most colour he’d ever seen on Rei’s face, fields of roses blooming in his cheeks. He places his hands there, cups his face to feel their warmth, and imagines it instead.
How long has Kazuki loved Rei? Love is what compels him to clean his house, to cut his hair, to cook for him every day. And now, he supposes, love is why they’re curled up together, in the same bed, in each other's arms. Rei loves him too.
But this, he hasn’t felt like this since her . Even in the dark Kazuki knows where the picture of him and Yuzuko is; taped to his monitor. It feels as though she’s looking at him, seeing right through him. Is it wrong now, to be in bed with someone else? Is it a betrayal of some kind? Is this change really okay? A sudden wave of guilt hits him, making him shiver involuntarily.
It’s then that Rei starts to move. He’s edging himself away slowly, almost as if he’s trying not to alert the man next to him, but Kazuki’s hold is tighter than he anticipates, and he doesn’t get far.
“Where are you going?”
“Huh? You went quiet so- hey are you crying?”
Rei noticed the crack in his voice, and sure enough, Kazuki hadn’t felt the silent tears rolling down his flushed cheeks. Embarrassed, he moves a hand to wipe them away, but Rei is already there, cupping his face in clammy palms. Awkwardly, he swipes his thumbs across his partner’s cheeks, brushing away his fresh tear tracks, but this only makes Kazuki’s eyes water more.
“I’m here, Kazuki.”
It's something he would have said to Miri, something he himself has said to her. He cries, and cries, and Rei holds him, pressing their foreheads together, stroking his cheek lightly with every new tear that falls.
He cries until he can cry no more, and still Rei is there, silently consoling him, comforting him with nothing but his presence.
“I love you too.” A whisper is all he can manage, as if saying it any louder would give away some awful part of him. As if it’s some awful secret he is bound to keep. He wonders if Rei even hears. But he does; the slight hitch in his breath is enough of a sign. It makes him want to kiss him all the more. He moves, closer to Rei’s face, breath ghosting over his lips. He mirrors Rei’s hands, holding his face. His cheeks are still warm.
“Can I?”
Rei’s nod of assent is all he needs. As he brings their lips together, he feels the worst of his guilt slip away. The kiss is light and momentary, but that’s all it needs to be. Just something small, just for them.
“I love you too.” He repeats. For Rei or himself, he doesn’t know. He presses another kiss to the tip of Rei’s nose. “Stay with me?”
Rei exhales softly, and this time Kazuki knows he’s smiling.
“Beats the bathtub."