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James was fed up. He could not stand it anymore. He could feel all his repressed anger and frustration bubbling and bubbling and bubbling, he knew they would soon spring out of his body and he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. But for now, James bottles them up as best as he can, right now was not the time to cause a scene, it was Sirius’ birthday after all. Though, the sight of Regulus was making it hard.
Regulus has been ignoring him for two weeks now. It had been two weeks since James had confessed his feelings and Regulus went radio silent. At first, James felt immensely sad thinking Regulus didn’t like him in return, thinking maybe he did too much, he was too much, did he misinterpreted Regulus’ signals and caused to make the young boy uncomfortable ? After all, he never promised James anything. He spent 12 days rethinking over every tiny little interaction that led to James confession. First he thought about how it all started, how they kissed in that cupboard when hiding from mrs Norris while the other 3 marauders were somewhere else in the castle adding the last details to their prank. The need for James’ to be appreciated by Regulus had been driving him mad since he showed up to the Potters’ after being thrown away by his parents. In that cupboard, James couldn’t have resisted when Regulus pulled him in, quite frankly, the best snog of his life.
After that, they kept stealing touches, glances. James couldn’t have imagined that. He knows his brain can sometimes get a bit carried away but even Lily told him that she caught Regulus watching him, starring at him, she said word for word “I don’t know what you did to baby Black, but he is looking at you like a psycho. Oh please don’t laugh now he is trying to kill me with his eyes”. That made James confident, too confident was he thinking during those 12 days, too bold, always too self-absorb I am.
Though, after spending so much times thinking everything over, James started feeling angry, not just angry but nearly feral. He was mad at Regulus, really really mad. First of all, this little 12 days of self-pity really worried Sirius and James can’t stand for that. Second of all, James felt used, he really liked Regulus (he still does and that pisses him if even more) and he doesn’t understand why he is being ghosted, he legitimately thinks he is going crazy.
“You should go talk to him”
“What ?”
“Oh come on” Lily said, “You’ve been looking at Regulus all night and he’s been avoiding you, I’m not stupid James” she then said looking unimpressed
“I don’t know what you’re talking about” James said childishly before taking a long sip of his drink
“James I really like you but this is Sirius Black’s little brother, you gotta get your shit together and act like an adult, I don’t know what you did that got you there in the first place but it’s time to fix it up” Lily finished
James looked at her and that was it. Why do everyone always expect him to be the one that fixes everything ? Why was he the one that had to be the bigger person when people hurt him ? Do people think he is some kind of superwizard or some shit who always cheers everyone up and never has to crack ? James is in fact not a superwizard and has a lot of flaws, one being the little control he has over his emotions.
James’ face started to redden (only partially due to alcohol) and his stare got as hard as a rock :
“Lily I don’t know who you think you are to give me moral lessons about a situation you know nothing about but really, you’re way out of line here” James snapped, the first cracks of his emotional shield letting some longtime repressed anger spill. Then realising he had raised his voice and people started looking at them “What the hell are you all looking at” and then seeing the hurt on Lily’s face “I’m sorry” he said between his gritted teeth leaving the room.
Unfortunately, fate must have decided that tonight would be the date of James’ emotional’s outburst because of course Regulus had to be in the bathroom James went hiding in. Now, looking back on it, James thinks it’s quite fitting that such an emotional display would happen on Sirius’ birthday, his very passionate best friend who seems to feel so much he can’t control it. In that bathroom though, James couldn’t feel any sort of positive feelings, all he could see was the perfect target to the tornado that is his emotions no more secured in their shield.
James locked his eyes to Regulus’, he could see the closed face of the boy, but after everything that had happened he could also see a twitch in his grey eyes, he is not as cold and unbothered as he is trying to pull off. James seizes the opportunity.
“Loose the act Reggie” James says angrily. Regulus doesn’t reply, which turned James anger on “oh so now you don’t wanna talk to me ? You’ve got nothing to tell me after ignoring me for 2 bloody weeks ?” Regulus’ eyes flicker in some kind of guilt
“Listen James-“ regulus started before getting cut by James
“No you listen, you ghosted me after I told you I like you, you didn’t even bother telling me you didn’t like me back, you fucking ran and avoided me” James started “In that cupboard you fucking told me, you told me you saw me, that I was allowed to feel my feelings without being scared of how it would affect people, that people should take a step back and realise how lucky they were to have me in their life, these were your words, you made me feel seen and understood for the first time and then you kissed me, even after that you kept looking at me and seeking touches, how was I not to fall for you ? Why would you say those things and act like that and then leave me when I admit how I feel ?” James started shouting and walking towards Regulus
“Please James stop crying” Regulus said his voice shaking, his eyes big, looking like a trapped doe
James hadn’t realised he had started crying “Don’t tell me what to do, you made me feel like I was enough, like you understood me and then left me when I was the most vulnerable. I was mistaken, you too took me for granted, and you hurt me more than anyone cause you knew, you saw through my facade and still you left me agonising” James finished, all his anger suddenly leaving his body, he fell on the floor and started sobbing, Regulus stood there quite stricken for a few seconds and then fell next to him and started holding him, crying with him
“James I can’t voice how sorry I am” Regulus started interrupted by James hiccups “I shouldn’t have left you like that i- well I guess you’re right, i acted like every one I was despising for treating you the way you were treated. The truth is that I got really really scared, scared of me mostly” James looked up to him, frowning, looking lost. Regulus chuckled “I guess I don’t really think I deserve good things and even though I kissed you in that cupboard I never thought you would reciprocate my feelings, i know it sounds stupid but it just seemed to good to be true, it wasn’t even a possibility for me. So when you cornered me in that potion classroom and admitted you liked me I just panicked. My brain started picturing all the ways I could hurt you, all the ways I would dim your light and I couldn’t take it. My shitty up bringing and all the ways I’m fucked up terrified me. Someone with such a dark shadow hovering over them shouldn’t be this close to someone who shines as bright as you. I just now understand that the way I reacted was wrong, i thought you would get over it, that it wasn’t even really a crush and that you would maybe be a bit sad for a day or two but then quickly brush it off, I’m so sorry” Regulus says, his eyes now closed not daring looking at James who was still in his arms but who had stopped crying
“I felt used and dirty” James said after a few beats “i also felt really stupid for believing what you told me” James was looking at his feet, his voice barely a whisper
“I’m so sorry James, i meant everything I told you and I never used you. I panicked when the one person I love told me they liked me back” Regulus said shamefully
“You love me?” Asked James looking up at Regulus. The dark haired boy’s eyes slowly opened up and his gaze went right into James’, he forgot how to breathe for a moment
“Yes i do love you, I’m sorry i didn’t tell you that two weeks ago”
James took a few minutes to reply, his eyes drowning in the sight of regulus’ face, he had missed him “I’m not gonna tell you it’s okay cause you hurt me but I understand why you reacted that way”
“Really ?” said regulus, hope shining through all his features
“Yeah really” James laughed softly “what do you say about you taking me out ? next Friday ?”
“I- Yes ! Yes yes, i would love to, if that’s what you want of course”
“It’s obviously what I want, I was the one proposing Reggie” a smile now spreading wide up on both faces
“I love you James” said Regulus earnestly
“I know that now” James started, teasing his maybe-soon-to-be-boyfriend “i love you too”
They ended up kissing on the bathroom floor, probably not the most romantic place but their love for each other was brute and honest, nothing is more romantic than that.