Chapter Text
Shelby’s POV
The seven girls spent a good half hour on edge, after a giant tree had fallen on Shelby and Toni’s make-shift palm frond bed at their camp in the jungle. Well, mostly Shelby and Dot were on edge. Leah and Rachel seemed eager to fix it; both jumped at the opportunity to volunteer with re-building, more than happy to be useful. They took off shortly after, an axe in Rachel’s hand. Shelby figured they were both using it as a distraction, and she didn’t blame them. She felt she could use a distraction herself.
Shelby surveyed the damage after Leah and Rachel left, with Toni by her side. Dot was picking some of the branches off the bed, tossing them aside. Dot seemed frustrated and eventually wandered off to Fatin, who was sitting in the middle of camp, busy looking through Nora’s journal. Shelby watched as the two of them got lost deep in discussion, before turning her attention to Toni.
Toni didn’t look worried at all. Not like Shelby felt. If anything, she looked annoyed. “This fucking sucks,” Toni said, scratching her head. “After all the work we did to build these, now we gotta do it again? I’m glad Leah and Rachel seem up for it, because I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t wanna do that again.”
“You’re just happy you didn’t have to make the bed, Toni,” Fatin said from where she sat beside Dot. “I can't believe you caved to Shelby so easily," she continued, raising an eyebrow in Shelby and Toni’s direction. “You’d never catch me giving in that fast. But I guess being whipped for Blondie here did save your life, so...” Fatin trailed off, looking back down to Nora’s journal. Dot’s attention shifted to the trees; she went to check out the ones surrounding the other palm frond beds.
Shelby stared at Toni, not paying much attention to what Fatin was saying, lost in her own thoughts. Toni cocked her head and looked back at her. “Are you okay?” Toni asked.
Shelby blinked. "What?” she asked. “Am I okay? I’m fine. Toni, are you okay?” Shelby said, reaching out a hand to touch Toni’s arm. Shelby’s hand was shaking as she ran her fingers up Toni’s bare bicep to her shoulder. She was afraid Toni would notice, so she quickly dropped her hand.
Toni did notice.
“Are you cold?” Toni whispered, reaching out her own hand to grab Shelby’s shaking one. “Jesus, you’re shivering. Are you sure you’re okay?” Toni asked as she pulled Shelby into a side hug, rubbing her hand up and down her arm. Toni closed her eyes and leaned in, pressing a soft lingering kiss to Shelby’s forehead.
Shelby let herself fall into Toni’s embrace, trying to block out her negative thoughts and instead enjoy the comfort Toni's presence was bringing her. She leaned her face into Toni’s neck and took a steady breath, breathing her in.
She couldn’t believe she nearly lost Toni to that stupid tree. The fact Toni seemed so unbothered by it was confusing her. How was she not as upset as she was?
Shelby kept replaying the tree falling over and over in her head. Every time it played in her mind, it was always more terrible than what had happened; each time Toni never moved out of the way. It always came crashing down on her and hurting her, or worse. Much worse.
Instantly, her dark thoughts took her back to last winter. Back when she did lose someone very close to her. Back when her best friend Becca had taken her life. That had been Shelby’s fault. Or it’s what she told herself. She certainly felt like it was her fault. Shelby thought it was her punishment for what she’d said to Becca. It was something she’d have to live with forever. Not only did she lose her best friend, but the last time she spoke with her, she’d said such horrible, unforgivable things. She’d spent days, weeks and even months reliving the last argument she had with Becca. Mostly as she laid awake in bed, which lead to countless sleepless nights.
The past few weeks with Toni had been some of the best sleep of her life since losing Becca. Lost, stranded and starving on an island with six other girls, Shelby felt the most at peace she had had in a long time. If she thought about it too much, she felt guilty. Rachel was hurting. So was Leah. Nora was gone.
Shelby shook her head to bring herself back to the present moment. Toni. The tree. Toni had almost been hurt. This time it wasn’t her fault. Or was it? Was this her fault? Did Shelby’s God strike their bed on purpose? Was this judgement for all her sins? Perhaps what happened today was more punishment for being happy while others suffered. The horrible feeling in her stomach felt the same as when she lost Becca. What if something bad had happened to Toni?
Shelby squeezed her eyes shut tightly. Flashes of never getting to say goodbye to her, of holding her limp body in her arms played on repeat. She felt tears pricking the corners of her eyes and had to blink rapidly to clear them, so as not to worry Toni further. Instead, she reached for the cross necklace around her neck, as she often did when stressed. She hoped it'd bring her some kind of calm. But as she rang her finger and thumb along the silver cross, she felt nothing. Only more dread.
“Hold on,” Toni said, cutting through Shelby’s obsessive thinking. Toni gently pulled away from Shelby and walked around the damaged bed. She tossed some of the branches aside and pulled out Shelby’s jean jacket, along with her own navy-blue sweater with the yellow patch on the sleeves. They’d both been buried beneath the debris from the fallen tree. Holding both jacket and sweater, she walked back over to Shelby and held her hand out, expecting Shelby to take her jacket.
Shelby looked down at both the jacket and sweater. She hesitated for a moment before reaching down and grabbing Toni’s sweater. But then she stopped. She stopped before she took it out of Toni’s hands. She lifted her head up and bright green eyes met brown, searching, as if asking for permission.
It took Toni a split second before she understood. A shy smile spread across her face, mixed with a hint of disbelief. Almost as if she was surprised anyone would want to have something of hers. “You want to wear my sweater?”
Shelby looked into Toni’s eyes once more, so soft and caring, and nodded. “If that’s okay,” Shelby said. Toni’s smile turned into a full-blown grin.
“Yes,” Toni simply said, handing it to her. Shelby took it from her, her hands still shaking slightly. She hugged the sweater to her chest firmly before slowly sliding it over her head and tugging it down her shoulders.
Shelby was suddenly overwhelmed with Toni’s scent. She had no idea how much she’d gotten used to how Toni smelled until that moment. It smelled somewhat woodsy and something distinctly Toni. Almost like a warm, home cooked meal. The scent surrounded and soothed her. She felt her body relaxing and her hands stop shaking. She took a deep breath and sat down, relief coursing through her body as her mind slowed down.
Toni gave her another smile, biting her lip and tilting her head to stare at Shelby in her clothes. She reached out with her free hand to softly tug Shelby’s hair out from under the collar in the back, which had gotten tucked in when she’d put it on.
Toni ran her fingers down Shelby’s tangled, wavy hair before stepping back and admiring her. The look Toni was giving her was a look she’d never given her before. It was tender and almost innocent. Shaking her head as if to clear her thoughts, she laid Shelby's jean jacket down that she'd been holding and went to dig through one of their Dawn of Eve bags, as if to give herself something to do and not continue to stare at Shelby awkwardly. Toni pulled a sling shot out of the bag and handed it to Martha, before going around to gather a bunch of their water bottles left around camp.
Fatin was grinning wildly at Shelby and Toni like she'd just been given a brand new car. “About time you gave her your Letterman Jacket, Toni,” Fatin said, causing both Toni and Shelby to shyly look away. “Hey, Shelby, do you want me to write ‘Shalifoe’ across the back?” Fatin teased good-naturedly. “I can use some of the nail polish, make a little arts and crafts of it.”
“No way are we wasting our nail polish on that,” Dot said from across the camp, where she was now busy looking through one of Martha’s romance novels.
“Aw, come on, Dorothy, live a little,” Fatin said. “Toni just gave Shelby her sweatshirt!” Martha, who was sitting beside Fatin, was looking at Toni with a curious expression.
“And you’re wearing my orange jacket. Does that mean we’re married now?” Dot said, crossing her arms and turning to look at her.
“Dorothy, did you just propose to me?” Fatin said, batting her eyes in Dot’s direction. Dot raised an eyebrow. “Where's the ring?” Fatin added, rather seriously.
Shelby tuned Dot and Fatin out, letting herself be comforted by the warmth of Toni’s sweater. Shelby had been given Andrew’s jacket a lot back in Texas. Girls around her always giggled and made remarks about what a big deal it was to wear their boyfriend's jackets. Shelby always felt like Andrew was marking his territory. Of course, she pretended she loved it and would always smile bashfully when Andrew offered it. But it did nothing for her. In fact, it always made her stomach twist in knots. She was afraid he’d expect some big gesture in return. Something she didn’t want to give. She can’t believe she lied to herself for as long as she did when it came to him and boys. Because now, wearing Toni’s sweater, she thinks she finally understands what those other girls felt when they talked about wearing their boyfriends’ jackets. It was heaven.
Shelby was so lost in her thoughts; she hadn’t noticed Dot had come up beside her until she spoke.
“There’s dangerous shit lurking out there. I’ve had my head so far up the ass of this stupid book, I’ve taken my eye off the ball,” Dot said, dropping the romance novel she’d been holding. “So, I’m gonna go do a safety sweep and check for any widow-makers.”
Shelby felt that weird tug in her stomach again. “Uh, widow-makers?” she asked, trying to keep her voice calm. But it seemed futile; the anxiety was creeping back. Widow-makers. Those two words sent a deep chill down Shelby’s spine.
“Yeah, that’s what loggers call a dead tree, ‘cause when they fall, they do some serious damage, obviously,” Dot explained.
Shelby’s stomach continued to churn uncomfortably. The thought of losing Toni came springing back to her mind. She was afraid she might throw up. The fear had fully returned.
“Later!” Dot said as she threw up a peace sign and headed out of the camp.
“I’m gonna head too,” Toni said, standing up and throwing the Dawn of Eve bag she’d been rummaging with on her back.
“Where are you going?!” Shelby questioned sharply; voice higher than usual. Her full attention was now on Toni.
Toni stopped walking and turned around to look at Shelby. An easy smile spread across her face. “Jesus, look at your face,” she said, walking back to her. Shelby was not aware of how tense she must look, but the second Toni moved toward her, she felt her body begin to relax again.
“I’m just going to get water, okay?” Toni answered, reaching out to brush Shelby’s hair off her forehead. Shelby briefly closed her eyes, leaning into her touch, before looking back at her. “I’m not off to war," Toni lightly teased, but with no hint of malice.
As Toni walked away, Shelby’s stomach twisted uncomfortably again, and the brief reprieve was gone. There was one way to fix this, Shelby decided.
“I think I’m gonna - I’m gonna go with,” Shelby said to Fatin and Martha, the only two girls remaining at camp with her. Martha was busy with the sling shot Toni had given her and Fatin had gone back to looking at Nora’s journal. "You know, live and die by the buddy system and everythin' - so I’m - I’m just gonna -” she trailed off, mentally cringing. She got up and rushed to skip past Fatin and Martha, so as not to embarrass herself any further.
"Bye!" Shelby finished off lamely. She knew she sounded stupid and if the smirk on Fatin’s face was anything to go by, she knew Fatin didn’t buy it. Shelby didn’t care that she’d probably just given Fatin about a week’s worth of teasing ammo; instead, she continued jogging right on out of camp and sped up until she caught up with Toni.
Toni looked surprised when she reached her but didn’t question it, just gave her a smile. Shelby beamed at her in return, trying to ease her own tension. “I thought I’d join you,” Shelby said brightly. “Buddy system, you know,” she added, hoping she sounded less pathetic than when she talked to Fatin and Martha.
Toni laughed. “You’re a dork,” she said. Shelby felt herself relaxing a tiny bit, but she still looped her arm through Toni’s as they continued to walk.
Shelby’d been so afraid to speak aloud the feelings she’d had the past few weeks but being with Toni had started to feel like one of the best things she’d ever had in her life. Nearly losing her only further intensified Shelby’s feelings.
The two walked in comfortable silence through high grass and towering trees, chirping birds and insects the only sounds around. Shelby looked down at their intertwined arms, seeing Toni’s sleeve covering her own against Toni's bare arm.
Shelby broke the silence. “You know, Toni, long sleeves wouldn’t be such a bad idea for you. Maybe I ought to have brought my jacket with me for you to wear,” she said.
“Uh, sure,” Toni said. “I’m not that cold, though. It’s fine,” she shrugged. “Not that I wouldn’t love to wear your jacket," she quickly added, smiling a little. “Maybe when we get back,” she finished. Shelby was lost in her own head again; she couldn't fully process what Toni was saying. Instead, she just pulled her closer. Toni looked at her questioningly but didn’t say anything.
Shelby had been so used to living a nightmare and never being allowed a chance to dream her own dream that it was only a matter of time before it all came crashing down. What if she was destined to lose Toni too? She tightened her grip on her arm; she could not lose Toni.