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Phoebe being the first to find out was inevitable.
Not because she was observant or anything like that, no- of course not. It was a sturdy combination of dumb luck and Phoebe being a dumb luck magnet that did the trick.
In Julien’s defense, it had only been two months since she had unearthed whatever superhuman fuckery had latched itself to her. Even with all the enhanced senses and increased athletic ability, it wasn’t exactly a cake walk to learn how to fling from one building to another using just a sticky rope coming from a makeshift nerf gun-esque wrist launcher. Who knew that would result in smacking face-first into Phoebe’s living room window at three in the morning?
Julien can still recall the look of pure astonishment coupled with bits of hot Cheeto dust flaked on the corner of Phoebe’s mouth when it clicked.
And, with the most dude-bro voice that had ever graced Julien’s ears, Phoebe’s first reaction was nothing short of expected. “Holy shit, dude. You’re fucking Spider-Man! That’s, like, so fucking sick.”
The next few moments consisted of Julien pleading to her to keep it between them. It was bad enough that she knew, considering the danger it could put her in, but then there was Lucy.
The absolute last thing Julien ever wanted to do was lie to Lucy. In fact, she didn’t have a reason to before she became Spider-Man. Everything was so easy with her, and Julien didn’t feel the need to keep anything to herself when they were together. Her once rampant trust-issues dissolved in a shorter amount of time than she realized was possible.
But that all went down the fucking disposal with one little spider bite.
Julien tried her best to justify herself, maybe gain some self-assurance. Just because Phoebe knew, that didn’t warrant Lucy needing to know, too, right? It wasn’t like the three of them knew everything about each other and shared all their personal secrets or wrote sentimental songs about one another out of pure adoration and trust, right ?
Fuck.
About six months passed since Phoebe’s enlightenment, and to Julien’s surprise, no one else found out or questioned her. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Phoebe’s ability to keep a secret, but, like what was previously stated: dumb luck magnet.
However, keeping secrets from Lucy, who not only knew her deepest, most personal information, but was also a grade-A bullshit detector… that was a match made in hell.
Over time, Julien’s inner social justice warrior turned her hobby of occasionally helping someone out into something of a job. With abilities like hers, she knew someone needed to make up for the law enforcement squandering almost every single opportunity they had to do something right.
With that being said, the small, itty-bitty factor of being a celebrity made the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man gig a hindrance to the shit-show that was her schedule. The responsibility of being expected to show up when someone needed help became overwhelming to the point Julien would beg Phoebe to cover for her while she disappeared randomly for anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours at a time. It was only a matter of time before Lucy became suspicious.
Excuses like running errands or going to meet a friend worked for a little while, but it eventually became multiple times a day, and in the most recent case, immediately after a show.
The sweat hadn’t even began to dry off of Julien’s forehead by the time she was off the stage and speedwalking towards the dressing room. She somehow managed to tune into the LAPD’s radio station on her earpiece so she could be up-to-date with any criminal activity around the city. All she had to hear was ‘high-speed chase’ and ‘possible abduction’ and she was ready to suit up.
But, a tug at her wrist stopped her in her tracks. She turned to be met with Lucy who is wearing the most aggravated expression she ever thought possible. Phoebe was nowhere in sight, so Julien was on her own for this one.
“Where are you going?” Lucy demanded.
Julien gulped. Think urgent, think urgent .
“I’ve gotta make a phone call, it’s dad.” Julien lied.
Lucy’s eyes softened, as did her grip on Julien’s wrist. “Is everything okay?”
The way Lucy seamlessly extinguished her anger further prodded the guilt that was full-to-bursting within Julien. She didn’t know how much longer she could keep up the facade, but the police radio resurfaced in her ear-piece, confirming an abduction. A woman, mid-twenties.
The image of Lucy struggling in a car trunk, tied up, crying for help flashed in Julien’s mind, sticking there and bringing her back to reality. Someone’s Lucy was out there barely holding on. Time to go.
“I don’t know, he just said I needed to call him as soon as I could. Just… give me a minute and I’ll meet back up with you and Phoebe, okay?” Julien fabricated, shaking Lucy’s hand off her wrist and starting back towards the dressing room door.
“Julien,” Lucy’s voice was soft, yet assertive.
Julien turned back once more, this time to see Lucy considerably closer than before, reaching a hand out to cup her face. She leaned down to place a gentle kiss on her forehead, despite the sweat still lingering there.
“We’ll be right here if you need anything,” Lucy assured, briefly caressing Julien’s cheek with her thumb before turning to walk back down the hallway.
Julien, still frozen in place, watched Lucy all the way until she disappeared around the corner. Part of her was still recovering from the sweetest kiss she’d ever received while the other part was making sure Lucy did stick around too closely. Subtle exits were preferred when sneaking out.
Shaking off the last of her nerves, Julien entered the dressing room and stripped out of her clothes, attempting to throw on her suit. The perspiration made getting it on quite a task as the spandex stuck to her skin. Trying to get one of her legs in, she fell backward over a chair and right into a table. Apparently gracefulness wasn’t on the list of spider-like powers. Figures.
“Come the fuck on,” she muttered through gritted teeth, “I have got to look into nanotech.”
After finally peeling on her suit, she covered up with a pair of sweats, grabbing her mask and shoving it in her pocket. She cracked open the door and peered into the hallway before scrambling out of the dressing room and making a break for the exit.
It took much longer than she would like to admit for her to find out where the chase was headed towards, even with the earpiece still in. Though, once she locked her sights on the car, it was over for the bastard behind the wheel. A few unsolicited helicopter lifts and some car surfing did the trick to get Julien to the perp and bring the woman to safety.
It didn’t come without risk, though. The assailant managed to slice Julien’s arm up pretty good. Once the adrenaline wore off, it was almost unbearable.
Julien flung herself up to the terrace of her apartment, practically kicking the door open and running towards the kitchen sink. She briefly examined the damage through her now torn suit arm. From the tear, a gash running from her wrist up to her forearm was still profusely bleeding out.
“Shit.” Julien cursed under her breath.
She got the water running from the tap and wetted a towel, covering her arm. Where was the fucking alcohol?
She pivoted on her heel and rushed towards the bathroom, digging through her cabinets haphazardly, to no avail. Julien let out a frustrated groan and slammed the cabinet door shut, taking a moment to look at herself in the mirror. The rest of her suit appeared to be in tact, at least.
A sudden chill overtook Julien’s body, followed by the creak of a floorboard in the hall. There was someone else there.
She darted to flick off the bathroom lights, leaving the rest of her apartment in darkness except for the city lights glowing through her kitchen window. She climbed her wall up to the ceiling and made her way into the hall, scanning the area for any sign of life. A human shadow scurried back towards her bedroom door, but she sent a web flying towards it, earning a panicked shriek from the figure. Julien climbed down to flip on the lights, revealing Lucy, her hand adhered to the door handle.
“What are you-“ Julien stopped herself and cleared her throat, deepening her voice in some sort of pathetic attempt to disguise her otherwise high pitched tone,”what are you doing here?”
Lucy didn’t appear frightened, considering Spider-Man is known to be benevolent. If anything, she was in awe, yet confused. Pretty typical reaction.
“What are you doing here? This is my friend’s apartment,” Lucy inquired.
“Uh… I’m, I don’t..” Julien sputtered.
“Wait, is she okay? I haven’t heard from her for a few hours… do you know where she is? Is that why you’re here?” Lucy shot out questions quicker than Julien could process.
The concern shrouding her voice was resonant of their earlier conversation. Julien wished Lucy would just be mad at her. It would be easier that way. But, Julien knew better. Lucy’s heart overpowered any kind of anger or resentment that bubbled up. It was one of the many reasons she loved her.
Julien sighed, defeated. “Yes, she’s okay,” she reassured in her normal voice.
Lucy furrowed her brows. It only took a moment for the realization to set in.
“Julien?”
She lifted the mask over her face and attempted a smile, but it fell as quickly as it formed.
“Hi,” was all she could manage.
Lucy opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.
“Look, I know this is a lot, but I can explain everything.” Julien offered.
Lucy’s eyes darted down to Julien’s injured arm. “You’re bleeding.”
“It’s nothing.”
“Get me out of this, now.” Lucy tugged at her stuck hand.
Julien scurried over and cut the web only for Lucy to grab her good arm and drag her to the kitchen. It wasn’t aggressive, but it was stern, like a mother taking care of their child after they had hurt themselves doing something stupid. Mortification sunk its claws into Julien’s back.
Somehow Lucy found the alcohol that had evaded Julien in her hasty search for it and sat her down on a barstool. She rolled up the slashed up sleeve of her suit, examining the cut on her arm in silence before cleaning it. She was gentle, slowly scrubbing off the dried blood and dabbing the wound with a towel, careful not to irritate it any further. Julien watched her delicate fingers work to apply butterfly stitches along the cut, clean and precise.
Not once in that entire time did either of them break the silence. Julien simply didn’t know what to say. Maybe Lucy didn’t, either.
“Are you mad?” Julien asked, finally.
Lucy didn’t look at her. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Do you want me to be?”
“Kind of.” Julien admitted.
Lucy shook her head and applied the last stitch. She washed her hands and put everything back where she found it before leaning against the countertop. “You know I could never be mad at you, right?”
Julien couldn’t find it in herself to answer.
“But, that doesn’t mean I’m not upset. I understand that being a masked crime-fighting vigilante probably means you have to keep a secret or two, I get that, but do you understand how fucking worried I was about you? I thought you were going through something the entire time, like, something internal. Watching you leave without telling me why, only for Phoebe to tell me some off-the-wall excuse that I knew was bullshit… it made me feel so helpless. It was like you two didn’t trust me.” Lucy vented, wrapping herself in her arms.
Julien shot up from her seat. “I didn’t tell Phoebe, she just, found out by some stroke of luck on her part. I promise, I wouldn’t have told her and not told you.”
Lucy raised her hand to cut Julien off. “Who are you talking to right now? You don’t need to defend yourself to me. Whatever decisions you make about your secret identity aren’t mine to regulate. I trusted that you had everything under control, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t nearly impossible to keep to myself.”
“I’m so sorry.. I’m….” Julien choked on her words, using every bit of remaining willpower to keep the levee from breaking.
Lucy made her way around the counter and rested her hand on Julien’s shoulder, spinning the shorter woman around to face her. “Don’t apologize. I know you couldn’t help it. I’m just trying to help you understand how it made me feel. Let’s face it, this is, like, a really, really difficult situation to wrap our heads around. You’re… Spider-Man,” she paused, as if it finally sunk in that it was a real thing, “I mean, that’s gotta be an insane responsibility, and I can’t imagine having to balance my life and career with something like that. You’re incredible.”
Julien felt the beginning of a smile tug at the edge of her lips. You’re incredible.
Lucy looked down in between them, a light shade of pink dusting her cheeks. She cleared her throat and removed her hand from Julien’s shoulder. Lucy rarely became bashful when it was just the two of them. Score.
“I think the word you’re looking for is amazing.” Julien quipped.
Lucy rolled her eyes, but her smile never faltered.
“Anyways, my point is, this is no one’s fault. Not yours, not mine, not Phoebe’s. It’s just… a matter of circumstance and some misunderstandings, that’s all.” Lucy said.
“Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve you.” Julien admitted, this time being the one to look down.
“Hey,” Lucy took half a step closer, “you know how I feel about you saying that. You deserve every bit of understanding and consideration I give you, and I’m not going to compromise on that. Do you hear me?”
Julien nodded, overcome with relief and a foreign, yet familiar sensation in her chest. The combination of Lucy’s proximity and affectionate gaze made her brain short-circuit, so she did what any useless lesbian would do in the wake of the woman they adore. Finger guns.
Lucy chuckled. “You’re a goob.”
“A fact I can’t deny.”
“Good,” Lucy started, “now, are you gonna tell me how you developed insect powers or not?”
“Actually, spiders are arachnids. Insects only have six legs, so…” Julien corrected, linking her hands behind her back.
Lucy scrunched her nose. “I love that little encyclopedia for a brain.”
“I feel like that’s a well-known fact.”
“Take the compliment, Jules.”
Julien finally got around to getting out of her suit and back into some comfortable clothes. The two of them leaned up against the railing of the terrace while Julien recited her less-than-spectacular account of trying to save a spider from the middle of the street only for it to bite the shit out of her, followed by designing and making the suit, her first rescue, and how Phoebe found out– which they shared a laugh about. Lucy listened intently to every second of it, never interrupting, never in disbelief.
The weight Julien had carried for all those months became much lighter, but there was still something there. Lucy seemed to notice.
“What’s on your mind?” she asked.
Julien looked out into the Los Angeles night-life. There were probably hundreds of crimes, hundreds of responsibilities, hundreds of cries for help that wouldn’t get answered. That was the crux. She was only one person, but what followed her was the weight of millions.
“There are a lot of shitty people in the world, and I’ve made enemies of a lot of them.” Julien leveled.
“Right,” Lucy nudged her arm, “but, you’ve got an advantage. I don’t see anyone else with cool powers swinging around from building to building.”
“If I accidentally stumbled into having these abilities, who says someone else didn’t do the same thing? There could be thousands of people out there who are just as strong, if not stronger than me. The fact that I don’t see anyone else like me is scarier than if they showed themselves. It makes me think they’re just waiting for an opportunity.” Julien remarked.
“Don’t get too worked up about it. I’m very confident you can defend yourself based on what I’ve seen.” Lucy reassured.
“What about you?” Julien asked, almost bitterly.
Lucy raised an eyebrow. “Why does that matter?”
“Carrying the mantle of Spider-Man has put a colossal target on my back. Those enemies that I mentioned earlier? If they were to find out my identity, that puts you and anyone else I care about at a major risk. Yeah, sure, maybe I have powers, but you don’t. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something were to happen to you.” Julien explained, running her hands through her hair.
Lucy moved in closer, placing a comforting hand on the small of Julien’s back. “They won’t find out.”
“You don’t know that. If there’s a will, there’s a way. It only takes on misstep, one miscalculation and it’s all fucked. God, this is why I didn’t want you to know.” Julien backed out of Lucy’s touch, but she wasn’t having it.
“Well, I do know, and there’s nothing you can do now to change that. I love you, you know I do, but sitting here spinning out about things that haven’t happened isn’t going to help anyone.” Lucy insisted.
Julien pinched the bridge of her nose. “You did not just quote one of our songs to make a point.”
“Yes, I did, because that proves that you are aware of the point. You know I’m right.”
“Technically, Phoebe wrote that lyric.”
“You and your technicalities.” Lucy said, poking Julien’s chest.
Julien exhaled, allowing herself to relax for a moment. Lucy was right. The only thing she could really do from that point forward would be to trust in herself and her friends. The latter would be second nature, but the former, that’s still in progress.
“I’m sorry I got worked up, it’s just all so terrifying and existential to think about.” Julien admitted.
“I know it is, but that’s what Phoebe and I will be here for. You don’t have to keep it to yourself anymore. Talk to us, you know we’ll listen.” Lucy consoled, reclaiming her proximity to Julien’s personal space.
Julien meant to say thank you, but what came out was, “I love you.”
Between the three of them, Julien had the most difficult time expressing her love. Years of unlearning self deprecation as a coping mechanism has come at the cost of struggling with displaying affection, both physical and emotional. It took her almost two years of knowing Lucy and Phoebe before she could tell them she loved them. Even after she said it the first time, she limited herself to saying it until she fully believed it was necessary. Lucy understood that better than anyone else.
With the few times Julien had told her, she knew this one held a different weight to it. There was something about the way Lucy’s eyebrows twitched upward that signaled her understanding of the implications.
Julien didn’t remember Lucy’s eyes being so green, her lips being such a subtle pink in contrast to the signature red she was almost always sporting, her being so goddamn tall. The gentle giant, as Phoebe liked to call her.
Lucy’s hands were warm and inviting as she placed them against Julien’s face, a sensation like curling up around a fireplace and opening up a book that had been sitting on the shelf for years and years collecting dust, waiting patiently to be read. She knew that once she read the first sentence, she’d never put it back down.
Julien couldn’t help but lean into Lucy’s touch, close her eyes and simply let herself be cared for. Tears pricked at the backs of her eyelids, threatening to escape, and she didn’t protest. As they trickled down, Lucy wiped them away one at at time, never missing.
When she reopened her eyes, she found Lucy still there, still holding her, albeit a little blurry. Julien blinked away the last of the tears and nodded her head once to give Lucy permission. Her lips hovered over Julien’s for a fleeting moment before she filled in the remaining space.
It was short, nevertheless a precious keepsake that Julien wished she could put in a locket and revisit whenever she wanted. Perhaps just getting to look at Lucy would reinstill the feeling over and over again.
Lucy broke the kiss and touched her forehead to Julien’s as the punctuation mark to a six-year long run-on sentence. Julien placed her hands over Lucy’s and embraced the first of many more times she would hear her say, “I love you, too.”