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Luke glanced out the window of the bus one last time and flashed Cassie what he hoped was a confidence-boosting, goodbye grin.
Despite feeling heightened by all the uncertainty of his own situation, it hadn't escaped him how overwhelmed Cassie appeared as they'd prepared to deploy.
He'd never seen her so quiet before. So passive.
Except for maybe last night, but that had been an entirely different kind of surrender.
On base for the first time in her life, surrounded by his people, Cassie had seemed stunned – bewildered by the scene playing out before her, as if it was incongruent to all she’d ever imagined about marines and the military life.
He wondered what was going through her head as she stood on the curb with Riley's arm tucked in hers - silently watching as Luke got further and further away from her, the lie between them expanding as well.
Was she thinking about him? What she'd gotten herself into? Last night (whatever that was)? Her future? The money? Was she having doubts about the whole thing?
Luke closed his eyes briefly and then looked down at the gun leaning upright against his leg, and his gear shifting slightly on the floor between his feet.
Did it matter what she was thinking? Did any of this matter? Soon he'd be in the Middle East. From there, all he could do was trust. Trust that Cassie’s medical condition and the growing debt that came with it would keep her bound to him in the way that he was so desperately bound to her. Trust that he’d be safe, and their plan would work out. Trust that the steady flow of payments would get Johnno off his back and away from his family. Trust that they'd continue their charade for as long as was necessary and then when he returned home, they would go their separate ways, just as they'd agreed.
No matter what last night was.
Thinking again of their night of shared vulnerability, Luke felt an inexplicable urge and twisted his head to look out the window once more, trying to find Cassie's face, framed with those soft, illustrious, ebony locks, and meet her gaze. Those penetrating eyes, that seemed to bore into his soul and challenge him to his very core, every time he dared dive into them.
But he'd been inside his head longer than he realised, and the view of the parking lot was gone, the space and time between them stretching out like an infinite hollow, making his guts churn and echo.
He looked back down at the gun and cleared his throat, as if that would help clear the thoughts.
Somebody slid into the seat beside him and gently nudged Luke’s shoulder with theirs.
Frankie.
“You good?” his bunkmate asked.
Luke took in a deep breath, sunk back in his seat and exchanged a curled-up smile. There wasn’t anyone in the world he was more grateful for, than Frankie.
“Yeah,” he nodded out the window and then turned to his friend. “Just got a lot on my mind right now.”
Frankie nodded back and his face filled with recognition, “I’m hearing you man.” He looked down and noticed Luke unconsciously winding his wedding band around and around on his finger. Frankie elbowed his friend’s arm and lowered his voice a little.
“You two put on a pretty good show back there,” his mouth twitched, like he wanted to say more but stopped himself.
Luke’s lips tightened into a small, uncomfortable smile, and he glanced at Frankie sideways, unsure how to respond. The night he’d met Cassie, Frankie had played the protective brother – warning him off fooling around with her. But since they’d told him about their arrangement, Frankie had been nothing but supportive of them both, despite being at risk of collusion himself. Luke didn’t want to jeopardise his relationship with his friend but how he could he explain what happened last night anyway? When he didn’t even understand it himself?
“Holy shit!” In Luke’s hesitance, Frankie came to his own conclusions, shaking his head in disbelief. “I mean, you two clearly got chemistry, but I never thought you’d actually…”
Luke ducked his head, his eyes darting around the bus.
“Keep your voice down man.”
Frankie shook his head again and Luke prepared himself for a barrage of big brother like threats. But they didn’t come.
“Shit just got a whole let messier, dude,” was all he said.
Luke couldn’t agree more. It was undeniable, the pull he’d felt towards Cassie, but he’d never intended for things to go the way they went. They couldn’t even get through a couple of sentences without mortal combat ensuing. So much for her being a pacifist. But last night…
Last night they’d both let down their guard. Right now he couldn’t figure out whether Cassie had pitied him, or just needed to release some of the tension between them, ease some of the stress of the situation. Maybe it was both.
Whatever it was, it had felt good. Not just the sex but being able to open up to Cassie like he had - admit he was scared, that he really hadn’t stopped to think about what they’d signed up for, or what he was about to do. He’d never felt so seen and heard as in that moment when Cassie had sat beside him on the bed, placed her hand on his knee and validated all his feels.
And then he’d gone and screwed it all up the next morning.
Luke winced at the memory of his words. He'd never been good at articulating his needs and emotions.
He felt an onset of regret for his behaviour and leant his head on the back of the seat, looking up at the ceiling before drawing his attention to the faces of his fellow marines.
Everyone on board the bus was silent - each of them grappling with their own goodbyes. It struck Luke how sombre the mood was, and how all these men and women – despite their elite training, had been stripped to their basest form of humanness in such a simple, poignant moment. Maybe that's what had overwhelmed Cassie so much at deployment. Maybe she had finally seen the marines for who they were – mere mortals, just like her - with families and feelings, flaws and fears. People preparing themselves to go and do something they'd never done before, in a world they knew very little about, in the name of their country.
He hoped so.
Because if there was one thing he would struggle to stomach with Cassie over the next twelve or however many months – it would be her lack of perspective.
He chuckled to himself quietly and cracked a wry smile. She probably felt the same about him. Him and his inconsiderate remarks about her mum, or his stupid comment about her car. He smiled again, remembering her sassiness when he answered the door at Frankie’s house and discovered exactly how wrong he’d been. “What my Lexus, yeah!” He never thought he’d admit it, but he might have actually enjoyed being shot down by her in that moment. There was something unmistakeably sexy and simultaneously annoying about her tenacity.
Luke looked out the window again as the airfield loomed nearer, the large aircraft seeming gargantuan now, in closer proximity. He took another deep breath in and released it.
He had to be real with himself. As good as it was, last night couldn’t have meant anything. And that was okay. It didn’t need to mean anything. But maybe it would prove helpful. Helpful in establishing the elaborate sham in their own heads, and in their outward expressions. Like Frankie had said – they were pretty convincing earlier – would that have been the case had they not shared a night of passion? Who knew?
No matter what happened, with Cassie, or the war, Luke would be forever thankful for the opportunity that she had provided him on his last night on home turf. The chance to be his true self, even for that short time. Plus, he would take the memory of their shared joy with him to a place of pure hell. The peace and contentment he’d felt entangled in desire with Cassie – her soft moans of pleasure recorded in his head, the feel of her lush skin imprinted on his fingertips, would remain there at the forefront of his mind.
Bracing himself as the bus pulled to a stop and the incessant whir of rotator blades assaulted his senses, Luke thought of Cassie’s hair again and how he'd slipped his fingers through it as he caught one of her elated exhalations with a kiss, and he briefly wondered whether these detailed memories would prove a blessing or a curse over the coming months.
Only time would tell.
And he had plenty of that ahead of him.