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"I... Ha... Stop spouting this gibberish, Hanbin; are you playing some kind of joke on me?" As Matthew sought to get a feel for the energy that was developing in their immediate environment, he coaxed a nervous giggle from Hanbin and placed his hand on his shoulder.
It was a strained silence that nearly never broke.
Matthew's eyes darted around the room, he took in every detail of his surroundings with a restless energy, he then met Seungeon’s gaze. It was clear from the way his pupils fluttered that he was feeling guilty about something, and he tried his best to avoid making eye contact with one another. Yujin, for his part, looked equally confused and clueless, like he was trying to piece together what was being unfolded. Jiwoong was harder to read. He maintained a calm expression, but there was something in the set of his jaw that made Matthew suspect he was hiding something. As Matthew watched, it was as though a light bulb suddenly switched on in his head, and he realized what had been bothering him all along.
Oh.
It was all so clear now.
Even as Matthew made his realization, he still looked lost and bewildered, like he was trying to make sense of everything that was happening around him.
The atmosphere in the room was charged with uncertainty and confusion, like a ship lost in a thick fog. Each of them was lost in their own thoughts, trying to puzzle out what they could do next to bring clarity to the situation. "We don't have the time to fool about, Seokmae," Hanbin laughed it off, assuming that Matthew was probably joking as well all along before Hanbin pursed his lips, coming to the conclusion that the youngster was impacted by it. Hanbin pursed his lips and looked at the youngest, who had been silent for what seemed like an eternity, before taking a deep breath as he nodded his head ever so slightly. "Alright, let's have a sit-down and talk about this," he said, though he appeared to be unable to get Matthew to budge his head as he asked while the others nodded in agreement. As they filed into the center of the practice room, the mood was somber that no one dared to speak; the youngest was especially terrified to break the silence. Jiwoong's low hum broke the tense silence that had pervaded the room for several minutes. As if to signal Jiwoong to start the conversation, Hanbin glanced over at him. Jiwoong took a deep breath, gathering his thoughts before speaking. He turned his body slightly to the left, positioning himself to face Matthew fully. Despite the younger's downward gaze, Jiwoong tried to establish eye contact, wanting to communicate the message as sincerely as possible.
"Look, don't get us wrong, yeah?" he began, his tone soft and reassuring. He could sense the tension in the air and wanted to tread carefully. Matthew's unease was palpable, and Jiwoong felt a pang of empathy for him. He knew what he was about to say wouldn't be easy for the younger to hear. "We just think that-," Jiwoong paused, taking a moment to analyze Matthew's demeanor. The silence was thick with anticipation, and Jiwoong felt the weight of it on his shoulders. He took a deep breath and continued. "--you and Seungeon, maybe you two should swap positions?"
With those words, the room fell silent once again. Jiwoong quickly averted his gaze, unable to look at Matthew's change of expression. The younger's emotions were hard to read, and Jiwoong could only imagine what he might be feeling. The air in the room felt heavy and silence was deafening, punctuated only by the sound of Matthew's labored breathing. Jiwoong's remark had landed like a dagger in his chest, leaving him reeling with disbelief. Matthew's mind was a jumble of conflicting emotions, each one vying for dominance in his racing thoughts. He couldn't shake the feeling of inadequacy, of never being good enough. Was he really that boring? He had dedicated countless hours to perfecting his part, three days without resting, three days of sacrificing sleep and comfort to get every note just right.
As he looked around the room, he saw the same unease mirrored on the faces of his fellow teammates. No one knew quite what to say, or how to break the tense silence that hung over them all. The air felt charged with the raw emotions of disappointment, anger, and resentment.
Matthew's lips trembled as he struggled to find the words to express the whirlwind of emotions inside him. He was overwhelmed, his thoughts tumbling over each other in a chaotic mess. The only sound he could manage was a heavy sigh, as he sank back into his chair and tried to steady his breathing. The room had become suffocatingly quiet, with tension thick enough to cut with a knife. Matthew's silence seemed to stretch on for an eternity, and with each passing moment, Hanbin could feel his own frustration growing. Was it too much to ask the younger to speak up and contribute to the conversation? But then, as Hanbin watched the younger, he saw something shift in Matthew's expression. There was a flicker of hurt, of confusion And so, before the silence could stretch on any longer, Hanbin decided to speak up. His voice was firm but tinged with concern as he addressed Matthew directly. "Look, Matt, I know you want this part badly, but can we try to think about the bigger picture here? Let’s not be selfish. It's not just about us, it's about the team as a whole. You've been so focused on… what you want, that you haven't even considered Seungeon.. And now, when we're suggesting a different approach, you're acting like an absolute child."
Matthew's reaction was immediate, his defenses rising up to meet Hanbin's accusations head-on. "Why would you say that?" he demanded, his voice cracking with emotion. “Why would you say that?” Matthew repeated. "Do you think I haven't given Seungeon a chance? I asked him three times, Hanbin. I'm not being selfish, I'm frustrated. Can’t I be mad? Can’t I take my time to grief over– I don’t know, having my part that I had practiced for three fucking days nonstop?” The younger snapped. Hanbin could feel his own frustration rising up once more, the heat of anger flushing his cheeks. Why couldn't Matthew see that this was about more than just winning?
But then, just as Hanbin was about to speak up again, he saw the tears welling up in Matthew's eyes. He saw the way the younger’s hand trembled with frustration, the way his voice cracked with emotion. And suddenly, Hanbin realized that he had been out of his mind.
Hanbin could feel the sharp glare shot by Jiwoong, a clear indication that he had gone too far in his words. The weight of the situation hung heavy in the air, the tension so thick it was palpable. The night before, they had all agreed to talk it out with Matthew, considering the mentors’ suggestion, yet it seemed that Hanbin had said more than he should have. Seungeon's soft voice broke the deafening silence, heavy with guilt. "I'm sorry, Matthew. I should have told you sooner if I wanted this part." The words were like a stone sinking in a pond, the ripples spreading out, but no one dared to meet Matthew's gaze.
Matthew's breath hitched as he tried to keep his emotions in check. The tears still rolled down his cheeks as he turned towards Seungeon. His trembling hand reached out to pat Seungeon's head, a slow and gentle gesture, offering comfort amidst the chaos. "Please, do not be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about, and you deserved this position." Matthew's voice was soft, too gentle. Though that, aftermath of the argument still echoed in his mind, Matthew couldn't shake off the feeling of loneliness that had enveloped him, couldn't help but feel like he was alone in this, that no one in the team had really taken his side, not even Hanbin. Especially not Hanbin.
"Matthew, look, I don't mean to la-"
"Please," Matthew cut Hanbin off, his voice strained and unsteady. "I do not wish to have a conversation with you right now, Hanbin." The words were like a knife cutting through the tension, his tone sharp yet filled with sorrow. He stood up from his seat "I need some time alone, sorry," He whispered before leaving the room, leaving the others in stunned silence. The weight of the moment still hung heavy in the air, the echoes of their argument still ringing in their ears.
Hanbin brought his knees up to his chest and let out a heavy sigh, his fingers rubbing the bridge of his nose as he grappled with what had just happened. He could have chosen his words better, he knew and prevented this chaos from unfolding. "You were too much, Hanbin," Jiwoong's voice cut through the heavy silence, his glare sharp and unrelenting. Hanbin felt the weight of the elder’s disappointment as his head sank lower, his muffled voice was barely audible as he spoke. "I'm sorry.. I’m not sure why did I get so worked up for no reason too.” He muttered, his words laden with guilt and regret, as Jiwoong's footsteps faded into the distance, walking towards the direction of where Matthew had walked away to comfort the younger.
"Hyung," Yujin's voice cut through the silence, breaking Hanbin's reverie, "It's okay. I'm sure Matthew hyung will be okay again so soon. Maybe we should call it a day and give everyone some space to cool down?" Yujin's nervous voice was a welcome distraction, and Hanbin nodded weakly, grateful for the suggestion. "You guys can go wash up and head to bed, okay?" he instructed, his voice barely audible, as the others murmured their assent and filed out of the room, leaving Hanbin alone with his thoughts once again.
Hanbin was left alone in the practice room, the dim light casting long shadows across the empty space. He laid down on his back, staring up at the ceiling and letting out a deep sigh, as the weight of his actions bore down on him. He couldn't shake the feeling that he had let his team down, that he had been too impulsive, too careless with his words, lost in his thoughts, as the minutes ticked by, replaying the events of the day over and over again in his mind. The room was silent, save for the gentle hum of the air conditioning unit, and Hanbin felt the weight of his isolation, the heaviness of his guilt, bearing down on him like a lead weight.
The longer he pondered the reason for his agitation towards the younger, his mind became clouded with countless memories, each one more painful than the last. He felt a deep sense of regret for hurting someone who had placed so much trust and faith in him. Matthew had always looked up to him, always there to lend a helping hand whenever Hanbin needed it. And yet, he had hurt him, just like that. The thought made Hanbin's throat constrict with a sharp pang of guilt.
And then he fell into deep thoughts, back to the countless moments they shared together, where they would practice their dance routines and perfect their moves, all the while Matthew flashing him that endearing, faint smile that made Hanbin's heart skip a beat.
Skip a– what.
“Holy fuck.” He breathed out a burst of nervous laughter, covering his eyes with his arms as his vision turned blurry. “I am really going fucking crazy, am I not.” the lad muttered before he let out a sigh. It felt like everything flashed again in the back of his head. Every time he corrected Matthew's mistakes, the younger man would apologize profusely in his high-pitched voice, eager to learn and improve. And when it came time for Hanbin to step onto the stage, Matthew was always there to cheer him on, offering his unwavering support, or when they went to dine out together and he would smile at the tiny squeak of noise that Matthew let out because the food was tasty, and every time the younger would do that, he never failed to think that it was the most adorable thing ever.
And now…what? He just made Matthew cry? Him? He was stunned. Had he really made Matthew cry? Matthew had always made time for him, even pretending to be busy just so they could have lunch together every day. Matthew that had been there to keep the male’s frame wrapped in his firm hold whenever things didn’t go well when they were under the same company? Matthew that admired him so dearly? It didn't sound real, it didn’t seem real too, the Hanbin 3 months ago would’ve looked at the Hanbin now in disbelief and disappointment if he was told about this. He felt a wave of guilt wash over him, realizing the impact of his words.
Hanbin blew soft air gently to his sweaty bangs, thinking about why he was so agitated with what had happened. Was it the fear of not making it to debut, gnawing at him with an insatiable dissatisfaction? Was the pressure of always being the best, always ranking number one, that made him feel like Matthew needed to catch up faster? The possibilities seemed endless, yet none of them could justify what happened. “Fuck.” A sharp groan escaped his mouth before he sat back down, putting himself in a calmer state before he glanced over the door.
Maybe things will be okay after apologizing right? He thought to himself.
-
Things in fact did not become okay. It has been 2 consecutive weeks and Hanbin almost lost his fucking piece of mind. 14 days. That was how long Matthew had been visibly ignoring him and his little attempts to keep a conversation up. Fourteen days. He repeated silently in his head as his gaze followed the younger that was walking around in the same room. Usually, it would be him that Matthew walked towards early in the morning, but no, somehow that has been replaced completely, and to see Matthew wrapping his arms around Jiwoong’s tall body was beyond insufferable to watch. On a worse day, he wished scrapping out his eyeballs from the sockets would be a better option.
And when he said the younger had been actively avoiding him, he meant it well. It was too clear, even Keita from the other team was asking him about it, concerned if there were any fights broke between those two, which Hanbin immediately laughed off and said no. They were not fighting, but it felt like having a fight would’ve been better than Matthew refusing to talk to him for more than two minutes. They were not fighting, but why did every time Matthew avoided his softened gaze it felt as if there were a thousand daggers pointed at his heart. He couldn't help but wonder how his emotions towards the male had the power to color his entire day with shades of gray. Every mundane task felt like an insurmountable hurdle, a task too difficult to bear, even when it really was something as simple as breaking the conversation between Matthew and Jiwoong to keep their skin contact off each other so that they would focus better during dance practices. His mind was consumed by thoughts of the other. It was and had never been that deep, Hanbin thought.
As he walked around the practice room, he felt like a ghost, a mere shell of a man haunted by the specter of his own desires. How could one person hold so much sway over him? Just a few days ago the agitation towards the younger took over him and now it was as if Hanbin was begging Matthew to shift the excessive attention that he spent on Jiwoong to him. He couldn't fathom it.
And Hanbin knew he knew too well that this started because of his poor choices of words when he let his emotions conquer his mind. He also knew too well that his next biggest mistake was to not be the first person to rush out from the room to comfort Matthew on that day when he misspoke because the moment Hanbin was trying to search for the younger everywhere and ended up figuring out he was in his room, what he saw was Matthew curling into Jiwoong’s arms with his soft wailing filling the room painful for any ears to hear. Perhaps it was at that moment that his confusion first began to stir as he watched Jiwoong's lips brush against the younger's forehead, he couldn't help but feel a strange, unexpected pang in his heart, or perhaps it was when Jiwoong whispered comforting words into Matthew’s ear almost inaudibly but loud enough for Hanbin to hear him calling the younger Seokmae the way only he did before, that was when he started to feel like his heart paced tenfold faster.
And he swore to good lords that if this thing was to stay the same, he would go bald from the amount of hair ripping he would do.
Hanbin's voice was hoarse, the sound cracking through the tense silence of the room. All eyes were fixed on him, waiting for him to speak. "Matthew," he finally managed to say, his heart heavy with a sense of foreboding. The younger boy turned his head, fingers still entwined with Jiwoong's, a bright smile lighting up his face. It was a smile that should have been familiar, that should have brought the male comfort, but something about it felt different. Hanbin knew by heart, with a sinking feeling in his gut, that this was not the same smile that Matthew had given him just a few weeks prior. To an outsider, it might have seemed like a normal, everyday interaction between friends. But Hanbin knew better, he definitely did. He could sense the shift in the air, the subtle changes in Matthew's behavior. It wasn’t the same genuine and pure smile, a kind of smile that would instantly make anyone smile back, a kind of smile that would make anyone– Hanbin at least, focus instantly on his crimson red lips. It was a small detail, but one that captivated him nonetheless. This one was rather…plain, or cold. Either both, or maybe both simultaneously. Hanbin couldn’t distinguish, but it wasn’t something positive certainly. Not that he cared, it stung just as much.
“Can you stay for a while, I have something to ask.” His voice barely above a murmur, while Seungeon and Yujin excused themselves, maybe they got the gist of the dance practice hours were ending, Hanbin guessed they could tell by the way the atmosphere between Matthew and him had changed. And god, heavens god. He wished so badly that Jiwoong could also pick up the hint to leave the room without being prompted, because the moment Hanbin asked that, the younger seemed to cling to the eldest even harder. “Of course, you can ask me now, Hanbin. Both of us can wa-” “Without Jiwoong hyung.” He cut the younger off fast, before starting to ramble, “--I’m sorry, just– Jiwoong hyung can you give us a moment?” And it was as if a thousand daggers pointed at him earlier had been thrust into his heart, each one twisting and turning through when what he saw was Jiwoong pulling up a smirk on his face as if Jiwoong could read him off forthwith as if Jiwoong noticed what he couldn’t notice himself, as if how he was acting gave a solid sign to the eldest.
Don’t fuck up.
Jiwoong mouthed to Hanbin without emitting any sound as he was getting up, before pointing at Matthew with his thumb and then pressing the thumb against his lower lip with a smirk still on his face.
Before I kiss him in front of you.
Hanbin turned pale. “I will wait outside, Seokmae,” Jiwoong emphasized the nickname, not breaking his gaze on Hanbin as he chortled out a chuckle, infuriating enough for Hanbin to cuss him out mentally, and Matthew nodded in reply.
As the practice room door's echo faded into silence, only Hanbin and Matthew remained. The elder couldn't help but notice a subtle change in Matthew's demeanor - his previously confident expression was now replaced with a hint of nervousness, as he avoided Hanbin's gaze, looking everywhere but him. It left Hanbin with a slight frown, sensing something was amiss.
“Seokmae.”
He whispered, his words laced with a gentle touch, yearning for the younger’s gaze to return, as he uttered the tender endearment reserved for him alone that spoke to the depth of their relationship. Admittedly, Hanbin missed it, he longed for it, calling the younger with the name he fixated on himself, but even so, the latter refused to spare him a glance.
"Seokmae…" he repeated, his voice a soft murmur this time, that it carried the weight of all the desperation and tingling pain that he was unaware of where he held in his heart. His fingers lingered on the younger man's cheek, tracing delicate patterns as he searched for a response. Hanbin's eyes were fixed on Matthew’s own, and he felt as though he could drown in the depths of the younger’s warm brown hue. There was a hint of vulnerability in his touch, an unspoken plea for Matthew to look his way properly. “Yes, hyung.” Matthew's gaze was steady as he met the latter's, but there was an undeniable tension between them, like a coiled spring waiting to be released. The silence stretched out between them as Matthew waited for the elder's reply.
“Why are you avoiding me?” Hanbin's voice was a blade, sharp and pointed, slicing through the meaningless small talk that had been weighing heavily on his mind as he inhaled slightly, his fingers curling tightly around the younger man's wrist, he did sound apologetic, he was. Hanbin's voice was a symphony of emotions, each note ringing clear and true. Yet, beneath the surface, there was a hint of sorrow that resonated deep within Matthew's heart. It was a tone he knew well, one that he had heard before when he had confided in Hanbin about giving up on his dreams and flying back to Canada. It was the same tone that had kept him rooted to the spot four years ago, when Hanbin had cried in his arms, begging him to stay.
“I’m not sure what are you talking about.” Matthew stammered, his laughter betraying his nerves as he tried to pull away from Hanbin's grip. “We are just fine, n-” “I miss you.” He cut the latter off. He missed Matthew, he did terribly. Perhaps that response wasn’t what Matthew expecting, Hanbin wasn’t expecting that to come out his mouth either and had only realized it when he noticed Matthew’s eyes widen before he continued. “I’m sorry, I was out of it that day and I just felt pressured we were not doing good enough an-”
“You felt pressured?”
Matthew cut him off. “You felt pressured that I am not meeting your standard?” His voice turned stern. The younger kept a calm expression, but Hanbin could feel his blood run cold. “And the first thing you did is to tell me I was acting childish?” His teeth grazed gently on his lower lip as if trying to hold back the flood of tears that threatened to spill over. But it was no use; soon his cheeks were wet with the salty drops. “You’ve never spoken like that to me hyung, I– you felt pressured and decided to completely swat off my feelings? I don’t even mind about changing the positions, not at all, but you– your tone and I– your words..” he rambled, not being able to find the right words and Hanbin pulled him into a warm embrace, his hand rubbing soothing circles on his back, lips repeatedly murmuring an ‘I’m sorry, Seokmae’ as his hand caressed the back of the younger’s head.
They remained entwined in a silent embrace, the only sound of the gentle rustle of fabric and the soft hiccups of sobs. And his voice was choked with pain, but he continued speaking. “A-and that day when I felt like I had no one, you weren’t even there. You weren’t even–” Matthew paused, inhaling deeply, “--I was waiting for you to apologize.” He cried out, his gentle punch to Hanbin's chest holding a bitter note of reproach, a small but potent release of frustration and disappointment.
In Matthew’s defense, he would admittedly say that it was quite an overreaction of him to drag a simple argument this far. He knew a simple talk would settle it all, he knew if he confronted Hanbin and expressed what he felt about it, he wouldn’t be a crying mess like this but it wasn't really about the argument at all. Maybe Hanbin didn’t know or didn’t notice, but Matthew could sense it easily, that over time when they were competing against one another, despite wanting to make a debut together, Hanbin strayed away from him, little by little. Hanbin was free to make new friends, of course, and Matthew wouldn't dare control his choices. It was not like he was in a place to control it, and it was not like he wanted to, but Hanbin was his person. And he was convinced that he was Hanbin’s person too. The person that one would always run to and rely on whenever they needed it the most, he was convinced of it, certainly almost. But lately, doubts had crept in like a slow, relentless tide. He wasn't so sure anymore. It felt like the foundation of their relationship was shifting beneath him, and he didn't know how to stop it.
Not when he had always caught the glimpse of Hanbin and Zhang Hao laughing together amidst the broadcast, not when he walked into their room and saw they both were cuddling each other and spoke of their problems; the things that Hanbin had told him and only him. Most probably not when Hanbin had stopped looking for him on random days to ask about his days like how the elder usually did. He used to be that person, the one Hanbin relied on for comfort and support, but now he felt like an outsider looking in. He was not jealous, he shouldn’t be, really, at least that was what he decided to believe. Matthew was happy that Hanbin had someone to rely on other than himself, he was rather relieved for the lad. But his person– he couldn’t really call it his anymore. And the way the narratives of the latest episodes weren’t really helping either, if anything, it just made Matthew feel a lot worse. It seemed like they managed to portray him as someone that was just a friend, a mere guy that lost his person to whoever-deserving-more type of craps. Even so, he didn’t mind, not the slightest bit.
At first, he was happy when he found out Hanbin will be on the same team as him in Say My Name. Matthew even welcomed the elder with a warm hug once Hanbin entered the room. But what he wasn’t expecting was for Hanbin to not take his side. He shouldn’t expect Hanbin to do so, Matthew was well aware. It was for the better as a team, he knew. It was the way Hanbin rose his voice like how he never did before that led Matthew’s heart to shatter to pieces, it broke him internally. In his head, he had lost his person, and his throat was stuck with thousands of emotions. Losing a friend wasn’t really what he was expecting out of a survival show that Hanbin begged him to join. It sounded nonsense to even think of it, but it happened. And he hated it wholly, but even after all that, he still waited for Hanbin.
Matthew reclined on his bed, the color of blood coursing through his veins changing the once-white skin of his cheeks to a painting of pink. His sobbing filled the room, and his tears drenched the blanket; they were an expression of the excruciating pain he was in, all that had built up ever since before. He wanted to scream from the depths of his soul because the pain was so intense, he felt nothing and everything all at once. But he waited for Hanbin anyway, hoping against hope that Hanbin would at least apologize, would ease his distress.
He didn’t, however. Matthew's anxiety was compounded when Jiwoong showed up there instead, and he eventually gave in. Matthew's defenses had been weakened by the warmth of his body, the softness of his touch, and the kindness of his voice, and he was unable to stop the flood of tears that he felt compelled to shed. He shouldn’t feel this way, but he did, and he felt sorry that it turned out like this, completely clueless that Hanbin was watching the whole thing unfold behind the door.
Matthew's emotions were all over the place, but he continued to be ignorant of the fact that the truth was right in front of his eyes. Matthew first started experiencing pangs of jealousy when Hanbin began spending more time with Zhang Hao. Previously, he had believed that his friendship with Hanbin was a tight one; nevertheless, this was the first time that Hanbin had done so.
He swore to good God that his sentiments were totally platonic and that they were only two friends who had a strong connection to one another. But whenever he considered the possibility that Hanbin would choose someone else over him, his heart would hurt with an agony that he was unable to adequately describe. It’s not like he didn’t know, he just refused to admit it. It wasn't until much later that he realized that his own narratives and incorrect conclusions had led him down this path of confusion and grief; however, this realization didn't come until after a significant amount of time had passed. But despite this newfound comprehension, he was unable to shake the notion that something he had never completely appreciated he had lost, and that this something had caused his heart to break.
He had liked Hanbin all along.
As Matthew clung to Jiwoong, desperately trying to disguise the sorrow that overtook him, Matthew's heart broke into a million pieces. He was incapable of uttering the words that would have exposed the truth --that he had been in love with Hanbin.
With each gasp for air, he could feel his chest constricting as the pressure of his unrequited love strangled his organ. As he buried himself further into Jiwoong's embrace, tears began to stream down his face faster as he sought refuge from the heartbreaking reality he was about to confront. It was truly something he had feared the entire time, but he had been unable to avoid it in any way. It really never was about the argument in the first place, it was about his feelings, a personal one, and he thought that it was stupid.
And when Hanbin decided to confront him directly after the dance practice like this, he didn't know how to react other than to feel numb. Hearing Hanbin call him like he used to make Matthew want to run so far away from the elder in order to get away from him. That was what he thought at first, presumably because he believed Hanbin would surely stop talking to him once he found out, but now he just stood there, back resting against the wall as he tried his best to keep his eyes on par with the elder. Hanbin was not helping to ease down the sound of his heartbeat that palpitated two times faster, if anything, the latter was making it worse. Matthew still felt the caress of Hanbin's thumb against his cheek; it was soft and slow, and he still had not been able to form a proper sentence to reply to Hanbin's inquiries; however, it appeared as though the elder did not mind it; instead, he was inching closer and closer to Matthew, engulfing the gap that separated them both before Hanbin broke the silence. "Seok Woohyun.." He mumbled, and it was only a simple grumble; Hanbin called out his full name; nonetheless, it was enough to cause Matthew to tense up and hitch his breath. The sound from earlier that resonated in his ears now was one octave lower than how Hanbin's voice often was, and truly, Matthew was melting into the close proximity that they shared.
His sanity was deteriorating, and he could tell that Hanbin had lost it as well. His lips turned pale as he fought to keep his thoughts from racing all over the place and the world seemed to stand still around him. It wasn't his decision to remain silent now; rather, it was the pressure of Hanbin's full lips pressing ever so softly against his own.
Matthew’s eyes did not widen this time, he stood there in silence out of pure shock feeling the sensation of the elder’s frame pressed against his body. And fuck, he thought it would end there, but Matthew would do anything to figure out what was going on in Hanbin’s mind when he started to nip repeatedly against Matthew’s lower lip, this time more tender and more loving, more— more desperate. Hanbin was kissing him to its fullest as if Matthew would be gone forever. He was there, looking at Hanbin closing his eyes and leaning in to kiss him, lightly at first, and then with a fast gradation of intensity that made Matthew cling to him as the only stable thing in a world that was spinning and dizzying him. His persistent mouth was parting the younger’s trembling lips, which caused wild vibrations to travel along his nerves and evoked sensations in his that Matthew had no idea he was even capable of feeling.
For quite a moment, time seemed to stand still as Matthew felt the elder's pace slow down. Every second felt like an eternity as their lips met, and with each passing tick, Matthew's heart raced faster. The sensation of Hanbin's lips against his own was like nothing he had ever experienced before. As the kiss lingered, Matthew found himself struggling to pull away, his cheeks suffused with a rosy flush while his lips swelled with the contact. He gazed at Hanbin, utterly shocked by what had just happened. The elder wore the same expression as if he too was unaware of the gravity of the moment as well.
“Seokmae I-”
“I need to shower, sorry.”
Matthew hurried passed Hanbin, his face hot and lips pursed, without a backward glance. He pushed the door open and ran into his room, abandoning Jiwoong outside. He could no longer hear his own frantic breathing above the hammering of his heart with each step he took.
Jiwoong blinked once, then twice; three times in total before snorting with laughter as he saw Matthew's bloodred ear go away. He shook his head and left the practise room, catching up to Matthew. With his mouth closed, he said softly, "Hanbin, you fool."
For a time, the room was still, the air thick with suppressed feelings, and Hanbin stared at the exit through which Matthew had just escaped. Oh, he made a mistake. He made a tremendous error, he fucked up. He just kissed his best friend, and his fingers drifted to press on his own lip. He liked the way it felt. Hanbin sat down on the floor and began massaging his own temple with his fingers. He enjoyed the sensation of Matthew's lips on his tongue or the pleasure he had from doing so. Even though the whole thing felt unreal, he knew two things for sure: Matthew's lips were intended for his, and Matthew's frame was a perfect fit for his arms. It's embarrassing to admit, but if Hanbin had a choice, he'd go for the one that allowed him to linger on his lips for as long and as deeply. He... liked Matthew?
It was as if the question mark was drawn visibly in his brain, making his eyes widen a little before he let out an audible gasp. He liked Matthew….loved…Matthew? “I think I need a breather,” Hanbin laughed nervously, before falling into deep silence after a few seconds, full of thoughts before and he gasped for air again as the final piece of the puzzle fell into place. Hold on.
The first realization hit Hanbin hard, like a physical blow to his chest. It was then that he finally understood that his feelings for Matthew went far beyond the realm of platonic affection. His heart ached with a deep and unyielding longing whenever he saw Jiwoong touching Matthew in a way that felt too intimate for mere friendship. And the night when Matthew cried in his bed, Hanbin could not help but wish that it was him brushing his lips against Matthew's ears, whispering words of comfort and solace. It was a longing that consumed him, leaving him feeling both exhilarated and terrified.
The second realization came as a gentle epiphany, a realization that he did not feel the same warmth and tenderness when he spent time with Zhang Hao. Although Zhang Hao was always there for him, a patient and attentive listener, the way he comforted Hanbin was different than how Matthew did. Zhang Hao gave practical advice and solutions to Hanbin's problems, but Matthew would simply bump their foreheads together and lace their fingers, his thumb circling Hanbin's hand in a way that felt both comforting and intimate. Zhang Hao was a constant companion, a steadfast presence in Hanbin's life that he had vowed to always cherish and care for, but Matthew was a home.
The third realization struck Hanbin like a bolt of lightning, shaking him to the core. It was a direct and simple realization; his feelings towards Matthew were more than just platonic. He found Matthew more than just a friend. Maybe it was the fact that the latter was younger than him that made him insist on viewing Matthew as his younger brother and no more than that, but his heartbeat told him otherwise when he slept next to Matthew and the first thing that he saw was the way Matthew's eyes twinkled in the sunlight and how warm and inviting his cheeks appeared when he woke up early whenever they slept next to each other, or when he held Matthew in his arms while they watch tv shows together and that he discovered he preferred to focus and enjoy on the sound of the younger’s laughter instead of the plot running on the television. He found every single thing about Matthew enticing, his sparkling eyes, his soft cheeks, his lips, the way he moves. The worst part of all was that he had only realized it now, right when he lost his demeanor and went ahead to steal Matthew’s first kiss without asking anything.
Hanbin’s gaze darted onto the reflection of himself reflected in the mirror, his gaze glistened full of disbelief before a sigh escaped his mouth, perhaps he could talk it out with Matthew and express how he felt tomorrow.
-
Wrong.
If anything, Matthew's avoidance of him seemed to have intensified twofold. Where once he could have counted on a precious few minutes of conversation, now he was lucky to have a fleeting moment of eye contact before Matthew slipped away. If previously the longest achievement he could have done was to talk to Matthew for 3 minutes without Jiwoong in sight, this time it lasted him 30 seconds and not more than that. Matthew’s current favorite responses now were between, uh, mhm, okay, sorry, sure, -ah yes, no, a nod, or shaking his head.
But somehow this time, instead of Hanbin being frustrated about that, it seemed like everyone else but he was doing it in his favor.
The air that was before thick with sorrow was now filled with tension, not a bad one —but rather the one kind that made Yujin want to yell, “Get a fucking room and spit your feelings out!” out loud. Seungeon on the other hand, could not count how much he had sighed over the sight of Matthew and Hanbin quickly bolted whenever their hands brush against one another and he swears to god, their faces flushed bright red almost immediately, Matthew had lost it, and Hanbin was even worse. He couldn’t even talk to the younger without sputtering stutters and shifting his eyes everywhere but on Matthew. Jiwoong had been rolling his eyes quite a few times when he caught Hanbin staring at Matthew secretly and god— that stupid face showed clearly he was fucking in love.
“Jiwoong hyung, can you try to get Hanbin and Matthew to talk about this? I can’t stand it anymore.” Yujin cried out, tugging the eldest’s sleeve in frustration before Jiwoong closed his eyes in slight agitation. “They will find a way, I suppose. They have to before I start beating people up.”
This pattern of dance practice persisted right up until the time of the performance evaluation. It went great, splendid even. Matthew was no longer sad and went back to socializing and being bright with everyone but Hanbin. So was Hanbin, he was leading everyone well, and his voice was stern until it came to talking to Matthew.
As the curtains drew close, Hanbin found himself standing beside the younger male. With a faint smile etched on his lips and a tender hand placed upon Matthew's shoulder, the older man felt a subtle tremble pass through the younger’s frame. In a hushed breath, Hanbin wished him luck, his voice laced with a mix of fonds and gentle encouragement. “Good luck, Seokmae.” As their eyes met for a fleeting moment, Hanbin's cheeks flushed with a rosy hue, and he turned his gaze elsewhere, lost in the fluttering emotions of the moment. What he failed to know was that Matthew was also giving him a small shy nod and murmuring a “Thank you, Hanbin hyung.” softly.
And the stage was amazing, everyone was praising them nonstop. Hanbin lost count on how much he got hugged by people from the other team and he felt super good. When it was announced that he got the first place, he couldn’t help but to break into a sheepish smile. It felt good. He spent hours in the practice room alone at night and it felt good that it paid off. But this team was about to dismantle into new ones soon for the finale, and he probably will not get to see Matthew around that much again, and that was all that he could think about.
So that night he ended up in his room, dazing off as his eyes glued on the ceiling while laying down with his arm propped up behind his head. He had not been able to talk to Matthew about the other day. Hanbin's throat let out a series of low, rhythmic hums as he tapped his fingers softly on his mattress before sitting up and taking a breath of fresh air. “I should probably clean this room for tomorrow.” He uttered bitterly. pulling a frown on his face as he got up from bed, looking for his luggage. Look, it wasn’t like he did not want to talk to Matthew….He was just afraid? Yes, a question mark. He did not know if it was a genuine dread or just a persistent denial to listen to the potential that the younger would reject his feelings if he did not reciprocate the same feelings. He did not know whether it was a real fear or simply a constant refusal to listen. It's possible that Matthew doesn't regard him as anything more than a friend; after all, he may just be an elder brother to him, right? The worst he could expect was for Matthew to stop talking to him if he co–
“Hyung?”
A familiar voice echoed throughout the room, making Hanbin stand frozen in the same spot before he pursed his lips into a thin line, head turning to the direction of the door from where the voice came from. And there was Matthew, in a corduroy light brown hoodie, staring back at him. Other people might not tell the difference but Hanbin could, and that is how Matthew’s expression shifted slightly when he realized it was Hanbin in the room. “Oh, Matthew, what’s up?” Hanbin replied a slight anticipation hinted in his voice as his head tilted a little to the left, playing dumb. “Jiwoong hyung is not here?”
And it crashed him a little inside. Jiwoong this Jiwoong that— fuck. He was so tired of it. The need to confess like how he thought earlier immediately vanished as he shook his head and pressed a smile on his face. “He just got out from this room, I think.” Hanbin paused, before breaking his eye contact with Matthew, expression turned a little sour as he went back to looking for his luggage. “--I’ll let you know if he came back,” Hanbin muttered with tinged of sorrow in his voice, hands began to rattle in between the stuff scattered everywhere on the floor. And the room fell back into deep silence. Hanbin let out a short sigh, he must’ve left, the elder thought to himself before he pulled his luggage placed under the bed close to his body. He would’ve started shedding a tear or two, but not when he suddenly felt warmth around his wrist, that halted him stop.
“Oh Jiwoong, Matthew was looking for y-”
“I’m not Seokmae anymore?”
Instantly, Hanbin stopped breathing for a brief second, chest stop pumping and his body wouldn’t move an inch. It was Matthew’s voice, but this time it sounded a little wavered, like a puppy that was just got kicked out by its owner. He did not leave, not like the previous encounter.
And so Hanbin started praying to the deity above the heaven sigh, or the cherubs circling the air, whoever the fuck could help him to grant his wish with their accord, he started praying so this time wouldn’t end up worse than the previous day. He also started praying because heaven lord, Matthew’s voice was attractive and it was a lot for him to take in. It was velvety, almost similar to the voice that told him to close his eyes and sleep whenever he was tired at night and settled down next to the younger, but this one was better. It was a kind of voice that would make Hanbin’s knees weak. “What are you talking about, of course, you’re still a Seokmae, even Jiwoong called you that now!” Hanbin chortled laughter, this time prompting a sign of bitterness in his tone, but playful still. He could not let Matthew know he was jealous all along, not over a fucking nickname.
“But it doesn’t feel the same–” In a moment that felt like forever, Matthew mumbled, his voice barely audible but his gaze was unmistakable, and Hanbin's heart skipped a beat. It wasn't just a mere stare, but a look, a beautiful one that made Hanbin's breath catch in his throat. Matthew was staring at him, and Hanbin was staring right back with a pure and tender gaze. There was no nervousness in their eyes, only a shared moment of understanding as if they started to understand where was this going to head on, though there was a little frown played on Matthew’s lips, Hanbin would just want to– “--it doesn’t feel the same if it’s not you.” The younger finished his sentence, and he swore that his heart made a jump or two. The room stayed silent.
Nobody was talking, Hanbin was in a mess trying to find a word or two to reply, but he didn’t think it was needed– for any of them to talk, because just getting drowned in Matthew’s gaze felt right at that time, too good. He examined the younger’s expression, Matthew had started to bite down his lips, the tension was too thick, and they kept staring.
It was not long until Hanbin closened the gap between them, and so Matthew stepped a little backward until Matthew’s legs brushed against the body of Hanbin’s bed. It was like a dance when Hanbin led Matthew to sit against the headboard gently, they both did not break eye contact just yet. It was like they understood like they were aware of the whole situation, of the feelings they shared even without any words uttered. Matthew’s ears slowly turned red, feeling Hanbin’s hot breath ghasted against his lips as they were an inch apart from each other.
“May I?” Hanbin asked this time, a whisper so low that Matthew wouldn’t want anything but to closened the gap quickly, and so Matthew muttered back, “Yes, yes you may.”
Hanbin stroked the younger's hot, opening lips with the highest prayer, giving him slight sips; but, the latter, with an urgent squirm, pressed his mouth to Hanbin so firmly that he felt the younger's teeth. The rustling of their garments, the puckering of Matthew's medicine-sweet lips, and the way Matthew wrapped his arms around Hanbin's neck were the only sounds left in the room. Hanbin's heart then began to respond somewhere below this. Not quite a thump. not a single leap, but a sort of swish.
His heart was oscillating between two emotions at the time: exhilaration and adrenaline. Matthew felt his body tingle as their lips came together. As he intensified the kiss, he felt his hands delicately cup the elder's face. His lips moved against the latter with soft urgency. When he spoke to Hanbin, his lips were pillowy, too smooth.
He could feel the soft tickle of Hanbin's breath beneath his nose, fingers carding through the latter's hair as they breathed each other in, he welcomed Hanbin this time. At that moment, nothing else mattered - no worries or fears, no past or future. There was only the heat of the moment, the electricity between them.
“I missed you,” Hanbin pulled away, looking at Matthew with a pair of furrowed eyebrows, before leaning in to bury his face onto the crook of the male’s neck, making Matthew close his eyes as he breathed out the pleasure sprouted from Hanbin’s breath tickling his neck. “I missed you so terribly it felt too painful that it felt good.” He spoke again, against Matthew’s collarbone this time, while Matthew ran his finger through the male’s silken black lock. “Hanbin…” Matthew faintly called, resulting in Hanbin looking up at him and meeting his hooded gaze. “I have so much to tell you–” he whispered, making Hanbin’s ears twitch in anticipation. “--but fuck. I’m afraid I will start going crazy if you take your lips off my body any longer now.” He continued desperation coating his voice as he rested Hanbin’s head back onto his neck, squirming ever so slightly in response to the sloppy smooches the elder planted all along his neck.
Nothing felt more right than that moment; as if the huge burden had lifted up between them and there was nothing to talk about. It was all explained, from the way Matthew welcomed Hanbin’s lips, from the way Hanbin started to slip his hand under the younger’s shirt, or from the way soft whimpers elicited out from Matthew’s swollen pair of lips with every touch pressed from Hanbin’s hand against his cold bare skin. They knew, they had realized, it was all clear now. A talk may wait after tonight, but that was another different thing to be concerned about. At this moment, all they wanted to know was that they were there for each other, not more than just a friend this time.
As Hanbin gazed into Matthew's eyes, he felt a stirring in his soul. It was as if he had found the missing piece of his heart. With his knees pressed onto the bed, he vowed his eternal loyalty to this man, to the man whose eyes shone like the stars on a moonless night. He’s home.
-
“What brings you here, Jiwoong?” Zhang Hao’s left eyebrow cocked up, staring at the older man that aided his bed. “Nothing much, just don’t want to see someone I used to like getting his face eaten up with some ass dude tonight,” Jiwoong murmured, eyes glued on his phone as he turned his body to face Zhang Hao that was drying his hair with a towel. “Oh?” Zhang Hao responded, before snorting a laughter. “We both saw it coming huh? I guess that makes two of us.” the younger mumbled, before grabbing a mineral water placed next to his bed to chug it down.
“By the way, Mr. Zhang Hao, I’ve been wanting to tell you this, I’ve always wanted to kiss the mole under your eyes.”
“Shut the fuck up.”