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Charlie finished securing the plates of her armor into place and looked down at herself, her lips pursing at her appearance. The standard-issue Alliance armor she'd found in an armor locker was nothing like her own N7 armor, most notably in color—she was so used to looking down at herself and seeing black, not blue.
It had been years since she'd even worn Alliance armor, and the last time she did, she'd ended up covered in so much blood… hers, her unit's, batarians'… she could barely even tell her armor was blue.
Charlie swallowed hard as more memories came to the forefront of her mind, her chest growing tight when she picked up Tucker's dog tag from where it lay next to the guns she raided from the armory. She ran her fingers over the familiar engravings in the metal, images of his remains flashing before her eyes.
Taking a deep breath, Charlie forced the memories of Torfan out of her mind, instead focusing on preparations for the current mission. She didn't know what they were going to find on Mars, but it was going to help stop the Reapers, and that was the only thing that mattered… not the nightmare from her past.
She placed Tucker's dog tag on the chain holding her own, tucking them safely against her chest beneath the under suit of her armor. Pulling out a hairpin from her half-assed bun, she used it to pop out the pin in her assault rifle, giving it a quick inspection before re-assembling it and loading it with a thermal clip. Charlie glanced over to James and Kaidan to check their progress, just to find that Kaidan was already looking her way.
She immediately dropped her gaze and grabbed her next gun, mentally cursing herself for the way her heart sped up from the brief eye contact. He was another distraction she didn't need, so she continued preparing for the mission while trying not to think about him and the absolute disaster their last conversation turned into.
"Shepard."
"Shit!" she shouted, her entire body tensing at the sudden sound. She jerked her head up towards the source, her stomach flipping when she realized that it was Kaidan who said her name, and that he started walking over to where she worked. Blinking rapidly, she scrambled for something to say until she finally just gave up, huffing as she shot him a glare. "Don't scare the shit out of me like that."
"Sorry," he murmured as he stepped up to her. He glanced back towards James and she followed his gaze, the Lieutenant watching the two of them as he prepared his own weapons. Great, they had an audience. "Charlie," Kaidan said, drawing her attention back to him. "I need to ask you something."
Charlie's stomach flipped again, her mouth suddenly dry. "Can it wait?" she forced out, and he shook his head. She opened her mouth and then closed it, tightening her jaw as she released a rush of air through her nose. "Fine, what is it?"
Kaidan held her gaze a moment, his brows drawn together as he studied her. "That batarian relay you destroyed," he started, narrowing his eyes. "Did you do that for Cerberus?"
Charlie's mouth fell open and her eyes widened as she processed his question. "I'm sorry, what?" she asked, her voice rising. "You don't really think that, do you?"
He dropped his gaze before bringing it back to hers. "There are rumors…"
"I don't give a fuck about the rumors!" She could hear her heartbeat thrumming in her ears, worry flooding through her at the thought of him actually believing that she killed hundreds of thousands of people because of a grudge. "What do you think?" she asked, her eyes searching his face for an answer.
"I don't know what to think," he replied, shaking his head. "You don't have the best track record with batarians."
"I don't just shoot them on sight!" she retorted, staring at him incredulously. "I at least wait for them to give me a reason first, you know that."
"I just—"
"Don't, Kaidan," she muttered, a knot forming in her throat. Charlie stared at him, her lips pressed together and brows furrowed as she took a deep breath. "Look… you know that I'm willing to make whatever sacrifices are necessary to complete my mission." She paused, swallowing hard as she tried to keep her voice steady. "You know what those sacrifices have cost me, and that I don't make them lightly. As much as I loathe the batarians, I wouldn't just kill an entire colony of them unless I absolutely had to. And I had to."
Kaidan shifted on his feet, his expression softening. "Then what happened?"
"Hackett asked me to rescue his friend from a batarian prison because she'd found a Reaper artifact. It was right after Horizon, and I thought saving her and finding evidence that the Reapers were coming would show everyone—the Alliance, you—that I was just trying to help." Sighing, Charlie dropped her gaze and frowned. "But the whole mission went to shit.
"Hackett's friend was indoctrinated and the Reapers were coming. The only way to stop them was to destroy the relay and that destroyed the colony." She hardened her gaze and returned it to Kaidan's. "I know I've done some pretty fucked up things in the past, but I wouldn't… I wouldn't do that."
"Charlie, I—"
"You know what," she interrupted, bitterness seeping into her voice. "I get people who don't know me believing that bullshit rumor. I'm the 'Butcher of Torfan,' after all, it's really not a hard leap to make. But you…" Charlie shook her head, blinking back tears as she stared at Kaidan, remembering the way he used to tell her she was a good person, despite her mistakes, and the way it used to warm her heart. Obviously he didn't think that anymore, and god, it was like a knife to the chest. His face fell, and she could see that he knew just what his accusation had done to her. "Even after everything… I thought you knew me better than that."
Kaidan opened his mouth to speak but she quickly cut him off before she got angry and said something she would regret… again.
"Just forget it," she spat, grabbing her guns as she stalked away. "We should head to the shuttle, we're probably almost at the archives."
"Commander!" James shouted after her, but she continued walking without looking back, cursing the fact that he'd been around to witness her and Kaidan's talk.
"Get in the fucking shuttle, Vega," she snapped back, ignoring the tightness in her chest as she reached the Kodiak. Swallowing hard, she took a deep breath and tried to focus on the mission… it was all that mattered.