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Charlie ignored the pain in her hands and wrists as she hit the punching bag James had set up in his makeshift gym in the shuttle bay. She wished she were punching a reaper, the Illusive Man, Kai Leng, or any other enemy she had to face in her mission to save the galaxy—because that was actually her mission.
She had to save the entire fucking galaxy.
Grunting in frustration, Charlie started to hit the punching bag harder, until the sound of the elevator doors opening caught her attention. She turned around to find Kaidan stepping off the elevator, her brows furrowing as he approached her. She was unsure of what to do; the shuttle bay had been empty when she started with the punching bag, the crew that worked down there having turned in for the night, and she was pleased that no one was hanging around while she… dealt with her issues.
But Kaidan was different. Charlie had missed him, and she was glad he was finally aboard the ship again, even though he was indirectly involved with her current problem.
"Kaidan," she said quietly, when he finally reached her. She watched as his gaze quickly flicked over body before he met her eyes, and she felt her cheeks burn as she realized she was clad in only a sports bra and spandex shorts. Not only that, she was a sweaty mess and probably looked like crap. Fantastic.
"You shouldn't be doing that without protecting your hands," Kaidan chided.
Charlie glanced down to her hands before shooting him a glare. "What are you doing down here?"
"Liara told me about Thane and a salarian doctor that used to be on your crew. Mordin?"
Tearing her gaze from his, she focused her attention back on the punching bag. "I'm fine," she muttered, beginning to hit it again.
Kaidan walked around her, grabbing the bag and giving her a pointed stare. "Charlie."
"I said I'm fine," she repeated, throwing a hard punch, the force of it pushing him back a step, even through the bag.
The sheer strength behind her punch made his eyes grow wide, his eyebrows shooting to his hairline. He studied her a moment, and she prayed he wouldn't ask about her unnatural strength. She didn't feel like explaining that.
"Charlie, it's just me," he said, growing serious again, and she pursed her lips. "I thought your new thing was talking about your problems?"
"I'd rather punch something," she shot back, shooting him another glare.
Kaidan sighed. "Look, if you don't want to talk about it now, that's fine. Just know that I'm here for you when you do."
"You point a gun at me a few hours ago, and now you want to help me with my problems?" she droned. Narrowing his eyes, Kaidan shook his head and turned to leave, and she slumped her shoulders, mentally cursing herself. "Wait!" she said quickly, and he stopped, turning back to face her. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. I don't want to argue again, it's just… it's been a long day, and…" Charlie sighed. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine."
Silence settled between them as they stared at each other, until she tore her gaze from his, looking to the floor. "And you're right, anyway. I should probably talk about this shit." Charlie grabbed a nearby pair of sparring mitts and handed them to Kaidan. "But I'm going to keep up the punching while I do."
He took the mitts from her but didn't put them on. "Only if you protect your hands."
"My hands are fine," she protested. He quirked an eyebrow at her, unconvinced. "This is my ship, you know. I'm in charge. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do."
"Charlie."
Sighing, she grabbed a pair of punching gloves and quickly put them on. "Happy now?"
He smirked at her and she rolled her eyes as he put on the sparring mitts, holding them up when he finished. "I thought I'd find you with your guns," he stated as she began to hit the mitts, over and over again.
"That wasn't working. I needed something more physical." To emphasize her point, she threw a strong punch she knew he'd feel through the padded sparring mitt. She kept going at it, thoughts of the war and the people she'd already lost—and what other horrors would surely come—swirling in her head as she continued punching. Charlie mentally cursed the reapers and all the other crap she had to deal with every time she landed a hit, until her emotions got out of hand, her body tensing as anger flared up within her.
Taking a step back from Kaidan, she threw her punching gloves off, her chest heaving as she ran a hand through her hair. He pulled the sparring mitts off his hands, gently placing them down before he tentatively reached for her.
"Hey—"
"You know, I've done a lot of shitty things for the greater good—Torfan, killing the Rachni, the batarian relay—but the moment I point a gun at you I can't pull the trigger," she burst out, the words tumbling from her lips. Kaidan's brows drew together, his hands dropping to his side as she stepped back from him. "If you hadn't backed down, I wouldn't have been able to shoot you, even if it was the only way to save the Council," she continued. "I couldn't shoot Mordin either, and I couldn't lie to Wrex about the genophage, even though that would have gotten me the support I need for this fucking war.
"The galaxy needs the cold, ruthless soldier that chose to send her squad to their deaths in order to complete her mission. They need the Commander Shepard that's willing to make the hard decisions that'll let us win, but… I've gone soft."
"What?" Kaidan muttered, his head jerking back. "You haven't gone soft. You're just, I don't know, doing things differently."
"Not differently. Ineffectively."
"Hey," he started, stepping forward and reaching out to grab her arm, his thumb soothingly rubbing over her skin. Shivering slightly, Charlie leaned into the touch before he suddenly pulled his hand back. "We got through today and stopped Cerberus. And you got the salarians' support in the end. You're still getting the job done."
"Thane got the salarians' support when he saved their councilor," she retorted, crossing her arms over her chest. "And now he's dead." Kaidan opened his mouth to speak, but she shook her head, cutting him off. "I know, I know, this is a war and people are going to die. Anyone on this ship could end up dead, you and I included… that's what we signed up for."
His expression softened. "I was going to say it's okay to grieve." Kaidan lifted his hand and then dropped it, fisting it at his side. "You're allowed to be upset, Charlie."
Releasing a deep breath, she looked to the ground. "With the reapers here, there isn't time. We have to win first. I'll grieve when this is all over."
"That hasn't worked out so well for you in the past."
Charlie raised her eyes to meet his and opened her mouth to argue, promptly shutting it when she realized he was right. She pursed her lips, shifting her weight to her other foot.
"After Ash died, you pushed everyone away and threw yourself into stopping Saren," he started, his gaze holding hers. "From what you've told me about Torfan, you did the same thing then—alienated yourself, and jumped into N7 training to get away from it all."
"Is this the part where you tell me not to do the same thing now? To lean on my friends for support? That it'll make it all better?" she said dryly, a frown on her face.
"It's not going to fix it," he replied, exasperated. "But we can help."
"Until you all end up dead—or worse, I have to choose between saving you and ending the reapers." She shook her head, swallowing hard. "I can't go through another Torfan, Kaidan, I can't. I have to remain objective. It sounds really shitty, but it's easier to send faceless people to their deaths than people you care about on a personal level. It still hurts, because they're innocent and don't deserve to die, but I can do that if it's necessary for the mission. I can't kill people I'm close to."
"But who can?"
"Me!" she barked, stepping up to him. "The old me. That is exactly what I did on Torfan."
Huffing, Kaidan shook his head, his eyes searching her face. "Charlie, you make it sound like you executed your squad, but they made a sacrifice that saved the lives of countless Alliance forces."
"Right, I saved lives… and then I went took some when I murdered those batarians. When I got revenge." She stared him down, waiting for a reply, but he just sighed as he struggled for the right words. A bitter laugh escaped her. "Yeah, I didn't think you had a comeback for that one, even after all this time."
"You made a mistake," he replied, his voice low. He sounded just like he did when she told him about Torfan for the first time back on the SR-1—like he still believed there was a part of her that was good.
"Yeah, it was a mistake," she whispered, a knot forming in her throat. "But sending my squad to their deaths… that wasn't. Because of that decision, the mission was a success. It was ruthless but necessary… that's what I do." Sniffling, Charlie blinked back tears, breathing in a shaky breath. "I'm scared, Kaidan," she breathed, "scared that this war is going to end up like Torfan. That there's going to come a time when I can't get around making another decision like that, and I'll be forced to do it all over again." A tear dripped down her cheek as her lips trembled, and she quickly wiped it away with the heel of her hand. "They were my family. And Tucker"—her chest heaved, more tears rolling down her face—"I loved him. I loved him and I killed him. It's my fault and I can't… I can't live through that again."
Charlie broke into a sob, and almost immediately, Kaidan's arms slipped around her as he pulled her into his embrace. "Hey, hey, come here," he murmured, holding her close, softly rubbing his hand over her back to calm her. "It's not your fault. It's not. We'll get through this, Charlie."
She grasped at his uniform shirt and buried her face in the crook of his neck as she cried, unable to stop the tears from falling. Eventually, her breathing began to steady as she calmed down, and she relaxed against Kaidan, not wanting to pull away just yet. Taking a deep breath, she cautiously slid her arms around his waist, so she was holding him back, waiting for him to move away or to object to the gesture—but he never did. Instead, he tugged her the slightest bit closer, her eyes fluttering closed as she settled against him.
Their first hug on Horizon hadn't been long enough—everything went to shit after that anyway—but now, Charlie had the chance to listen to the constant thump of his heartbeat, to feel the warmth of his body seeping into her, and to inhale his familiar scent that hadn't changed over their years apart. It was nice to be in Kaidan's arms, the soft brush of his hands over the skin of her back comforting. She felt as if everything would be okay, even though she knew it wouldn't. In that moment, she was almost content.
But, they couldn't stay that way forever, as much as she wished they could. They had to return to the real world eventually.
Charlie savored the moment for a second longer before she sniffled and released him, and he pulled his arms back, catching her cue. Staring down at her, he smiled, causing her heart to skip a beat.
"Your makeup, uh… you look a little bit like a raccoon," he pointed out, and she huffed, slumping her shoulders.
"It's supposed to be waterproof," she whined, attempting to wipe the ruined makeup off her eyes. Kaidan grabbed a small rag and brought it up to her face, gently wiping the tears off her cheeks before trying to remove her makeup. "One usually uses a makeup removal product for that," Charlie muttered, a tiny smile tugging at the corner of her lips.
"Right." He put the rag back, his eyes dropping to the floor before returning to hers, his gaze boring into hers. Her breath hitched in her throat as he lifted his hand between them, the air rushing out of her lungs when he fisted it and returned it to his side, again. "It's not your fault, you know," he rumbled.
"Do you really still believe that?" she breathed, swallowing past a knot forming in her throat.
"I do. It was… it was a bad situation, but you did what you could," he explained. "You got some of your men out and saved many others." Funny, he said almost the same thing when she first told him about Torfan. If he was still saying it three years later, after everything they'd been through, maybe he was right. Maybe.
"Yeah, I guess…"
"And I didn't know him, but I don't think Tucker would want you to blame yourself."
Narrowing her eyes, Charlie pressed her lips together as she thought about his comment—he was right, but she wasn't going to admit it. Not yet, anyway. "I should go," she finally said, taking a step backwards from him. "It's late and I should really shower and… take care of other things."
Kaidan nodded, and she tore her eyes from his as she took a deep breath and made her way towards the elevator, his words repeating in her head. She didn't dare look up until the doors were closing, and she caught a glimpse of him watching her as they shut. Pushing the button for the first deck, she leaned back against the wall and crossed her arms, a frown settling on her face.
She had a lot to think about.
- - - - - - - - - -
Charlie walked out of the mess hall chewing on the final bits of her breakfast as she read from the datapad in her hand, mentally cursing the work she had to get done in the wake of Cerberus' attack on the Citadel.
"Hey, Charlie," came Kaidan's voice out of nowhere, her head jerking upwards towards the source of the sound. He stood in front of her, a smile playing on his lips as he stared down at her.
Swallowing the last bits of food in her mouth, she cleared her throat. "Hi."
"You should watch where you're going. You might walk into something and hurt yourself."
"I'd just hurt whatever I walked into," she retorted, smirking back at him.
Nodding, Kaidan released a light laugh. "You're probably right. Though I doubt EDI would appreciate that."
Charlie huffed, smiling as she fidgeted with the datapad in her hand. After a moment, the smile fell from her face, her gaze darting away from Kaidan's before she looked at him again. "I'm sorry about last night," she began. "I was a mess and—"
"You don't need to apologize," he replied, his voice soft. "I've got my things set up on the starboard observation deck. You can come by whenever you like, okay? Door's open."
"I… thanks."
"Of course." After a short silence, he continued. "Are you feeling any better?"
"Yeah, I guess," she answered with a sigh. "I'm still terrified of what I'm going to have to do to win this war—I don't think that'll ever go away. But I did some thinking about what you said about Torfan and blaming myself and all that… and, uh, I'm going to try to be better about it." Kaidan smiled at her words, and she looked to the floor, avoiding his eyes. "You were right. It's what Tucker would have wanted," she mumbled.
"Did you just actually admit I was right?" he teased, and she rolled her eyes, shooting him a glare.
"Oh, shut up." Taking a deep breath, she shook her head. "I've told you, I'm working on… things. At least I'm trying to, anyway."
"You're doing well so far."
She huffed. "Please, this is just the tip of a very massive iceberg. I have a lot of crap to work through."
"You don't have to do it alone. Like I said, my door's open." He opened his mouth to continue, but quickly shut it, glancing to the side as he rubbed the back of his neck.
"What?"
"You can talk to me about anything… even Tucker. If you want to, I mean."
Charlie quirked an eyebrow at him. "You'd be willing to listen to me talk about my dead boyfriend?" she asked, her voice stiff.
"If it would help."
She stared at him a moment longer, seeing nothing but a sincere, genuine want to talk about such a topic. She couldn't help but smile when she realized that he meant what he said. "You are… I'm glad you're back," she admitted, a pleased sigh escaping her.
"I'm glad to be back," Kaidan said, a half smile on his lips.
"I should really go though, I have a lot of work to do. This ship is twice the size of the first Normandy, which means twice the work."
"Talk to you later, then?" he asked, a hopeful look in his eyes.
Charlie smiled. "Yeah, I'd like that."