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“Where’s Leo?”
A few months ago, the question wouldn’t have caused alarm. Slight annoyance, sure. A lecture about responsibility, maybe. But no one would get worried at the inquiry.
Now though, less than a dozen weeks out from the Kraang invasion, the question turns everyone’s head instantly. April freezes where she sits painting Donnie’s nails, who mirrors her immobile posture. Casey quiets down from her explanation on the merits of hockey to her future son. Splinter looks around frantically.
Raph turns to the person who had asked the question in the first place. Mikey stands in the doorway, frowning slightly, his hands shaking in a way that made it impossible to tell if it was the result of nerve damage or anxiety. His bee themed apron is less covered in flour than before and his oven mitts are off.
“Where is he?” Mikey repeats, sounding a little more frantic this time.
“I thought he was with you?” Raph says, wracking his memory. The last he’d seen of the slider, he was pestering the family chef with a truly awful new array of jokes. Mikey had been tolerating him, but clearly that hadn’t lasted forever.
The box turtle shakes his head. “Nope, he dipped after a while. Didn’t even get to taste test the cake batter.”
“His vitals are normal and he is on a roof in midtown Manhattan. His heart rate is slightly accelerated, though,” Donnie interrupts, tapping on his tech-gauntlet and ruining April’s progress on his fingernails. The human punches him in the leg.
“Donnie! We’ve talked about this, man! Privacy!”
“Oh, right,” Donnie says dismissively. April glowers at him and he pointedly looks away. “Anyways, Leo’s fine, Mikey. Nothing to worry about.”
“No! This is something to worry about!” Mikey snaps. “What the hell is he doing out there? This is movie night!”
Everyone pauses again at the uncharacteristic outburst. The box turtle stands defiantly in the doorway, his shaking hands now in fists, his small frame hunched and vibrating with nervous energy, the telltale signs of tears forming in his eyes.
Raph scrambles to his feet from where he sat on the floor, knocking Casey over with his tail. Ignoring her ensuring shrieks of rage, he hastily tries to assuage Mikey. “Hey, little buddy, it’s okay!” Mikey glares at him for the nickname. The snapper sweats profusely and continues. “I can go check on him, Donnie has his location.”
“Why you?” Mikey folds his arms in defiance. “Leo ditched me. I should get to chew him out for it.”
“I’ve got big brother scolding privileges. Plus, you’re still working on your cake.”
“And I am far too busy getting a mani pedi,” Donnie interjects unnecessarily, tapping his tech gauntlet again before placing his hands back in April’s, smearing his nail polish yet again. April sighs and grabs the tissues and nail polish remover she had wisely brought along.
“No offense, Donnie, but nobody was asking you to go,” Raph says, exasperated amusement briefly overtaking the latent worry for their lost brother.
“Offense taken, and I’ve sent you Leo’s coordinates. Be back within an hour or I’m sending Mikey and all his wrath after you,” Donnie says.
April winces at the threat. “Yikes. You better go, big man!”
With one last placating look for Mikey, Raph exits the lair. Almost as soon as he leaves his anxiety (and heart rate) skyrockets. What is Leo doing? As much as he had distanced himself from the others lately, Leo never missed a movie night. Especially if it meant angering Mikey.
The good thing about anxiety is just how fast it makes someone. In record time, Raph had already gotten through the sewers, onto the rooftops, and into an entirely different neighborhood. Despite being close by, the family didn’t venture out to Dumbo too often. Mikey liked the galleries, but Donnie did his best to stay away from any large body of water in the city, claiming the smell was too much. Raph thought that was a little high and mighty from someone who lived in the sewers, but never found a reason to argue against Donnie’s vendetta against the East River.
The tracker brought him to the rooftop of Lucky Rabbit Noodles. Distantly Raph wonders if their food was any good, but his musings are cut short at the sight of his brother sitting across the roof.
Said brother is close enough to the edge to get a good view of the people (and to send Raph’s heart rate jumping again, he never did like Leo near rooftops) but far enough away to not fall. What really catches the snapper’s attention is the small objects Leo is holding. Walking closer, not bothering to hide his thundering footsteps, the objects in question come fully into view.
Leo sits in a faux relaxed position, no doubt aware of Raph’s presence, holding what appears to be a small lighter and a joint.
“What are you doing?!”
Leo stares at Raph for a second, then looks down and considers the joint in his hand before looking back up. “Is that a trick question, or…?”
A few months ago, Raph would have exploded at the snarky response. Was Leo trying to be the most irresponsible person on earth? Was he trying to set himself- all of them up for failure? Didn’t he know the risks of not being vigilant?
But it isn’t a few months ago now. Raph stands there on that filthy roof, looking down at his brother, a slight breeze making the slider shake almost imperceptibly. His crutches and swords lay beside him, his shell still laden with hooks and wires on it, his eyes red and vacant, and Raph knows that Leo is all too aware of the risks of being flippant.
“Are you gonna lecture me?” Leo says, his tone unreadable.
“…No,” Raph responds. For once, it was true. Any anger he felt dissipated as quickly as the smoke. Concerns for Leo’s broken ribs, weak lungs, and breathing melt away as well- as much as Leo likes to play dumb, he never half-asses things. The biology textbooks he got for fun had evolved into the unofficial role of team medic. There aren’t any medical concerns Raph can think of that his little brother wouldn’t already have fully considered, studied, and disregarded.
“Huh,” Leo says, sounding mildly surprised. Something in Raph aches at it, the expectation of a fight, of overbearance. As much as it is his job to do so, to give lectures and keep everyone together, he knows he can go overboard.
Leo fidgets with the lighter, flicking it on and off, his eyes reflecting the firelight eerily. Raph steps closer as he does so, moving cautiously, as if approaching a scared animal.
Leo pauses briefly before resuming his meditative fiddling. The joint in his hand is hastily made and half done already, but he makes no move to continue smoking it. Raph takes his seat by his brother’s side, gazing out at the city.
The ruins of the invasion lay before him. By this point, though, the dilapidated buildings and ruined streets have been organized into manageable chaos. Construction has halted for the night, but scaffolding, road signs, and half-built structures remain. The only smoke in the air comes from the regular smog of the city; there’s no scent of burning flesh or buildings.
Scratch that- there’s another source of smoke. The elephant in the room (the rooftop?) makes no move to explain himself. Raph has been working on his patience since the invasion- since he was five and accidentally hurt Donnie, really- but he still wasn’t a patient person at heart.
“Why…” Raph stops himself before he finishes the sentence, unsure of where it would have gone. Why are you smoking? Why is this how you’ve chosen to cope? Why didn’t you tell me?
Leo responds by flicking on the lighter again and taking a small drag of his joint. His movements are practiced, natural, yet tense as he steadily avoids Raph’s prying eyes. Raph can’t help but wonder if the shaking of his hands is due to nerves.
“Did you know that a lot of cancer patients get prescribed medical marijuana?” Leo asks in lieu of a direct answer. Raph did, Leo knows this, it’s rhetorical. “It helps them with the pain, especially-“
He cuts himself off, but Raph knows what he would have said. Especially when they’re dying.
Does Leo still feel like he’s dying? Is the shaking of his hands from pain instead of stress? Or is there even a difference at this point? Leo’s injuries following the invasion weren’t the only things that made his brothers worried. Night terrors followed his days on morphine, constant vigilance came as soon as he could walk again, all while refusing to talk about what had happened.
Raph looks at his hands. They’re unscathed, at least as much as the rest of him. It strikes him as a little cruel that he doesn’t have physical reminders of what his hands have done, what they were used for. How they twisted beyond his control, beyond what should be possible, twisting into weapons and around his brother’s neck-
He closes his eyes. Inhales deeply through his nose and out through his mouth. Raph can feel Leo’s eyes on him as he does so and wonders what he thinks.
“Give me some,” he blurts out.
Leo looks as shocked as Raph feels at his own words. “Huh?”
Thrown off by his own boldness, Raph continues nonetheless with all the grace he usually possesses. “Give me some,” he repeats, pointing to Leo’s joint.
Leo looks down at his joint, as if surprised that it’s still there. Slowly, he raises his head, an incredulous grin spreading across his face.
“You want some? Mr. Responsible wants some of my weed? ”
Raph’s cheeks heat in embarrassment at the teasing. “If you’re not going to share, you don’t have to make fun of me,” he grumbles.
Leo practically shoves the lighter and joint into his hands, vibrating with poorly concealed excitement and mirth. “No! Please, have some. This is the funniest thing that’s happened all week.” His wide grin and crinkled eyes tug at Raph’s heart despite himself.
“Well if you insist,” Raph says, poorly trying to imply that this was Leo’s idea. By the look on his face, Leo couldn’t care less.
He holds the joint delicately between his massive fingers, fumbling to strike the lighter. Hesitantly, he lights the joint and takes a drag, trying to get the smoke fully into his lungs. He succeeds, and promptly suffers for his success as the smoke burns him from the inside out. Raph chokes on nothing, and devolves into a coughing fit.
Leo laughs at him and pulls a bottle of water out of thin air. Still coughing, Raph accepts it gratefully, downing half of it in one go before Leo slaps it out of his hands. He takes the hint and paces himself instead, soothing the latent burn in his throat.
The two fall into companionable silence. Leo takes the joint back for another hit, then offers it back to his brother, who accepts, determined to not cough this time. He fails, and Leo laughs at him again before insisting on some water.
Time seems to slow as the two form a rhythm. Raph observes his body in wonder as his muscles relax, tension falling off his shoulders like snow off a roof. Any movement of his head sends the lights of the city below into a dizzying kaleidoscope. A small smile finds its way to his face and Raph can’t bring himself to shake it off. Conversation flows easily, if a bit incoherently.
“Hey,” Leo says at length. Raph looks over to him, taking note of the bags under his eyes and his slight smile before the thought slips away, leaving a warm feeling behind.
“What’s up?” Raph says. It’s slightly delayed but neither of them care.
“When you-“ Leo cuts himself off, frowning.
Raph frowns as well, only half aware of the action before he’s sitting more upright. “What?”
Leo chews on the inside of his cheek contemplatively. He doesn’t respond right away, but the silence between them is light and see-through. Raph’s mind drifts as he waits, more patient than he’s ever been, content to just be with his brother.
“When you were possessed by the Kraang,” Leo speaks up again, hesitantly. “Were you… awake? Could you, like, see what was happening?”
It’s a question that should send Raph into a panic. Most nights even the mere thought sends him spiraling into himself until all that’s left is an unmoving, unspeaking body. Not even a body but a vessel, a container. Out of respect, or perhaps out of fear, his brothers don’t ask, not wanting to inadvertently set off an absence. Donnie calls it “disassociation”, but Raph’s never been one for big words.
Now though, Raph’s body is already untethered, unbound. His body and mind float like balloons tied to the same spot, light and airy but still connected. The recollection of time spent as a container is far enough removed from his current state that it hardly causes distress at all.
“Yeah,” he responds simply.
Leo frowns, then. Raph almost forgets why he would be doing that before he speaks. “That fucking sucks.”
A laugh bursts from Raph’s mouth unbidden. It really did, didn’t it? He should scold Leo for swearing but he can’t think of a better way to describe the experience. “Yeah, it really fucking did,” he says instead, still laughing.
Leo laughs back and then the two are giggling like children, loudly and without care of who may hear them, even as they sit atop the city skyline. The simple joy rises in Raph’s chest like soda bubbles, as gravity-free as the rest of his being. Leo rocks back and forth besides him, stimming in a way he hasn’t since he was ten.
“It- it did suck,” Raph valiantly tries to regain control of his breathing. “It fucking sucked .” Leo laughs again and it takes all of Raph’s self control not to join back in. “It was like- like watching a movie from the back of the theater. But the screen was my eyes.”
Leo nods, clearly trying to be more serious even as a grin threatens its presence on his face. “Sounds like a shitty movie experience.”
Raph sighs. Looks like the swearing is going to stick, then. “Yeah, it was. And it’s like… I wasn’t the only person in the theater. I could hear them talking to me.”
“What did they say?” Leo asks hesitantly.
Raph considers the question. Grasping at those memories was always difficult, but now, his mind and body relaxed, it slipped between his fingers like sand. “Honestly, I can’t remember. Mostly a lot of vague, evil things.” Kill them, they had whispered. Serve us. Become us. “I don’t remember any specific phrases.”
“Just vibes?”
Raph laughs again, then sighs wearily. “Yeah, just vibes.”
Leo nods, fiddling with the joint again. At this point, it was hardly a stump, burnt out and unusable. Raph wonders when he’ll throw it out.
“What about you?” He asks instead.
“Huh?”
“Back in the tower, it got to you for a sec. Went under your skin.” Leo’s face darkens and he turns away. Raph barrels on. “Could you hear them?”
The slider looks down at the street below. At this point in the night, the restaurants have closed. Couples walk down the street, illuminated by street lamps that block out the stars. The river’s pollution isn’t visible in the dark, only the spots that reflect what shines on it.
“No,” Leo finally replies. “It was only for a second. It wasn’t full-body possession like what they did to you.”
The phrasing sticks in Raph’s brain like a bramble. What they did to you. Some angry part of him, kept at bay only through years of practice, wants to lash out. Don’t say that, he thinks, turning away. Don’t say that. It makes me sound like… like a victim. Like what they did still lingers. Limbs restraining him, a foreign sensation on his body then under his skin, digging and writhing-
Raph shakes his head, as if to physically remove the bramble. Don’t think about it. It doesn’t matter. If he thinks about it too hard, he won’t stop, and then he won’t be able to handle the casual affection his family gives out so easily. He won’t be able to handle the shoulder bumps, the pat on the back, the hugs from his brothers. He can’t live without those small, peaceful gestures.
“You okay?” Leo’s soft voice, such a far cry from his usual boisterous attitude, cuts through Raph’s spiral.
Raph looks over at his younger brother. Leo is slightly curled up now, tenser than he was before. His eyes are widened slightly, as if afraid. He looks small, small in the way Raph never wants to see, small like when they pulled him out of hell, small like when he woke from his coma, small like when his brothers push on what happened in those ten minutes he was away from their planet.
Raph wonders if Leo considers whatever happened to be something “done to him” as well.
“Yeah,” he says. It’s not a lie. His high is wearing off, and with it, his gravity is returning, the weight on his shoulders settling back down to where it’s grown accustomed to live. Despite that, the telltale creeping of anxiety does not find its way down his spine.
“Good,” Leo says, wisely not pushing. “Cause we should probably get back.”
Oh shit. Leo laughs as Raph bolts upright, suddenly remembering Donnie’s promise to sic Mikey on them if they don't return on time. He checks the time, almost launching the phone off the roof in panic as he realizes it’s been well over an hour.
“Don’t worry about it,” Leo says, standing up before Raph can offer to help. He leans precariously on his crutches. “I told Donnie we’d be late.”
“And he didn’t have any problems with that?” Donnie can be quite strict about breaking promises.
“Oh no, he told me I, quote, ‘owe him one’,” Leo responds. Raph winces in sympathy. Being in debt to the resident mad scientist wasn’t a fate anyone in the family desired.
“Yikes. Sorry to… I dunno.” Raph trails off lamely, the apology slipping from his mind as soon as he spoke.
Leo seems to understand anyway. “Nah, you’re good. Such are the hazards of living with Dontron.”
The slider stretches, no doubt irritating his injuries as he does so. Raph can’t find it in himself to bother him about it.
“‘Kay. You think they’ve finished the movie?”
“Oh for sure. I bet they’ve started another, though,” Leo says, finally dropping the dead joint on the ground.
“Dude. Littering.”
Leo rolls his eyes, summoning a small portal under the joint, where it disappears. “Dude. Chill.” He parrots before swinging his sword again, creating a larger portal in front of the two.
Before Raph can step in, Leo puts a hesitant hand on his arm. “And… thanks. For this.”
Raph isn’t sure if he means for not ratting him out, or for the impromptu smoke session, but the response comes immediately. “Of course.”
Leo smiles then, a small, fragile thing as he looks back to the portal. Then he laughs.
“Can’t believe I got you to smoke weed, man. The others are never gonna believe me.”
“Well don’t tell them!” Raph yells after him as he cackles his way into the portal and off the rooftop. Grumbling, the snapper follows suit.
Maybe Leo missing movie night is something to worry about after all, if it means Raph has to deal with shit like this.