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Jisung thinks that it’s some sort of fucked up sense of jealousy, along with a rampant imagination, that keeps him from actually killing himself, no matter how often he’s thought about it. Maybe a little FOMO too? Like, everything sucks but if he dies and something really cool happens, he’ll be kinda pissed off.
Mostly it’s this delusional idea he’s created in his mind that if he kills himself, that event is going to end up with Minho finding someone to comfort him. And that comfort is going to go from platonic to romantic. Then Jisung would be dead AND jealous. Or something. He assumes he’ll still be watching Minho, maybe even haunting him.
Either way, Jisung will be damned if he is the thing that pushes Minho into the arms of someone else. Even if Minho isn’t his in the way he wants him to be, as long as Jisung is alive, he holds a special place in Minho’s life.
That’s why tonight’s events are especially fucked up. He’s currently teetering on the brink of no longer being alive, but it wasn’t his own choice! Like yea, there’s a daily war with himself not to end his own life. But now that someone else is the one who did it? He’s fucking pissed.
Well… as pissed as one can be while they’re lying on the ground, bleeding out from a stab wound.
Fuck this is the shittiest day ever. And because no one is around, it’s probably going to remain the shittiest day ever because it’s going to be his last day ever.
He doesn’t even know if his phone is nearby. Maybe the guy who FUCKING STABBED HIM took the phone along with his wallet. Time feels like it’s moving slowly, like he’s been on the ground for hours now. In reality it’s probably been only a few minutes.
Hand pressed tightly against his stomach, Jisung rolls, groaning and looking around.
Oh cool. His phone is just a little ways away. It takes an odd wriggling, scooting movement to grab it, but he gets a hold of his phone and flops back on the ground breathing heavily.
The screen is cracked, but it still works. There’s a little voice in his head that says to call an ambulance, but his fingers aren’t listening. Instead, he hits the speed dial. It just rings for a bit, and Jisung feels a bit of panic. Not because he’s probably dying, but because he just wants this last thing before he dies.
Finally, it picks up.
“Sungie? It’s like 2 am… what’s going on?”
Jisung smiles, closing his eyes. Minho’s voice sounds groggy, and he feels a little bad for waking him up. But at the same time, it’s comforting.
“Hey hyung… sorry I just… wanted to hear your voice.” Jisung said, wincing.
“What’s going on? Bad night?”
“Uh… you could… you could say that.” Jisung is fighting to keep his voice even, he doesn’t want to panic Minho right now. “Shitty night. Lost my wallet…” His head is starting to feel floaty. The way Minho snorts at that makes him grin a little. Like Minho is just so fond of Jisung’s clumsy self.
“Do you need some money to get home? Or do you need me to come get you?”
God. He wishes. He wishes Minho could come get him, and take him home, and maybe this was all fake. He’d wake up from this bad dream, and go on with his life.
“Hyung, I have to admit something…” Jisung says, breath coming a little shorter now.
“Where are you? I’ll come get you.”
Jisung closes his eyes. “You can’t… I… Did something kinda stupid. But that’s… I just wanted to tell you. I love you.”
Minho’s voice has an edge of panic to it. “Jisung, what happened? Where are you?” There’s a lot of background noise, and Jisung is pretty sure Minho’s getting dressed.
“I don’t even know where I am… I was on a walk…” Jisung coughs, blinking as his vision is getting hazy along the edges. “Some guy… tried to mug me. I mean, I guess he was successful… got my wallet..”
“Look around you! Tell me what you see!” Minho’s voice is frantic, but Jisung just continues talking.
“And yea like… I got stabbed. ‘m probably bleeding out. But ’m pretty sure I broke his nose.” His words are slurring together.
“Jisung!” Whatever else Minho says is lost to the buzzing in Jisung’s ears. He closes his eyes, wishing he hadn’t said anything because he hates that he’s upsetting Minho.
“I just… wan’ you t’know… I love you. Like really. ‘m sorry I never said… before…”
He thinks he can hear Minho yelling, but he’s tired now. So tired. There’s a sound to his side. Someone else is screaming. But he’s too tired to care. His phone slips out of his hand, and then everything is black.
But then everything is white. Too white. Too fucking bright. And kinda painful.
Fuck. He’s alive.
Well… like. That’s good. But also damn. Can’t even die correctly. What a shitty day.
He grimaces, letting out a gasp of pain. It brings movement at his side.
“You fucking idiot!”
Jisung turns his head, squinting in the light to see Minho. “Hyung…” he rasps out.
“What the fuck were you thinking?! Why didn’t you call for help?!” Minho’s angry expression comes into clear view, and Jisung feels a little amused (and guilty) that concern isn’t the first emotion Minho’s showing.
“Didn’t think that far…” Jisung says with a groan. His mouth felt too dry to have this conversation, and he looks around to see if there was water.
“You didn’t think that far…” Minho is incredulous. “You didn’t think at all! What was going through your head?!”
“Just wanted to hear your voice. Is there water?”
Minho stares at him, anger still evident but he grabs a cup and holds it out to Jisung, for which he is grateful. He can keep scolding him as long as Jisung gets a drink.
Swallowing down the water, Jisung lets his hands drop, hissing when he accidentally hits his stomach. Right. Some guy had rearranged his guts, and not even in the fun way.
“You’re a piece of work, Jisung…” Minho says, voice softer as he takes the cup, refilling it then setting it aside when Jisung declines more to drink. “What was I supposed to do if that was the last time I ever got to talk to you?”
Jisung blinks, lifting his gaze from where he’d been staring at the hospital blankets to meet Minho’s. With the anger gone, Jisung can clearly see the fear and sadness bleeding through. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, reaching a hand out which Minho takes and steps closer. “I just… always wanted you to be the last thing I heard when I died… I didn’t think…”
Minho’s grip tightens on Jisung’s hand. “Wh-... When you died? Like you’ve thought about the eventuality?” He’s clearly trying to keep emotions in check, but it’s been a shitty night so he’s not doing so well.
“Shit… forget I said anything. It’s the drugs talking,” Jisung tries to lie - he assumes he’s medicated to deal with pain - but the way Minho is staring at him says he’s not getting away with it. “I didn’t do anything with the intention to die… I mean… I’m not trying to die. Not like that at least.”
Apparently the drugs also mean he can’t shut up, and he looks away from Minho so he doesn’t have to see the pained look in his eyes.
“Do we have to have this conversation now?” Jisung asks in a small voice, suddenly feeling like all the emotions he should have felt earlier are crashing around him. When Minho lets go of his hand, Jisung feels even smaller and worse. The ugly side of him has shown itself to Minho, and Minho wants nothing to do with him. Tears burn in his eyes, and he tries to swallow down the lump in his throat, but it’s impossible.
Then Minho’s arms are wrapping around his shoulders tightly, hugging him as close as he can without aggravating Jisung’s injuries. It’s too much, and the tears come. Jisung finds himself sobbing into Minho’s chest, letting everything out in the action and just clinging to him like a lifeline. Because he is. He’s Jisung’s lifeline; has been for the longest time, but Jisung could never find the words to tell him that.
They stay like that until Jisung’s crying peters out, then Minho steps back, grabbing some tissues. When Jisung looks up, he can see that Minho has tears on his face as well. It almost makes him start crying again, but Minho starts to gently wipe the tears from Jisung’s cheeks, before his own.
“I don’t know what’s going on, Sungie… But when you’re ready, I’ll listen,” Minho says, combing his fingers through Jisung’s hair. “Or, if you don’t want to tell me… I’ll help you find someone to talk to.” He turns to drag the chair he’d been using closer to the bed, sitting and taking Jisung’s hand in his.
Jisung feels both relief and pain. Relief that this secret he’s been hiding about his mental health is out, but pain because his other secret - the one where he’s deeply in love with his best friend - makes it so hard to deal with anything.
They sit in silence for a few moments, Minho idly playing with Jisung’s fingers, and Jisung just resting. There’s still tension in the room, and Minho finally breaks it. “Can I… Can I ask about something else?”
Turning his head, Jisung lets their eyes meet, then he nods slowly.
“You… On the phone… You said…” Minho struggles for a minute, and Jisung tries to remember what he’d said but everything is a little fuzzy. “You said you love me. And you were sorry for not saying it before.”
Jisung’s eyes widen impossibly large, panic coming back tenfold. Shit. He had said that, hadn’t he? Minho apparently doesn’t notice, or if he does, he simply ignores it.
“You tell me you love me all the time. What’d you mean?”
His brain begins supplying a million lies he could say, but apparently even his own mouth is tired of Jisung’s bullshit as it speaks on its own. “I meant what I said, I love you.” He closes his mouth as soon as it’s out, trying to save face, but Minho is looking at him with a dawning look of realization.
“God,” Minho breathes out, and Jisung wants to crawl into a hole. He shuts his eyes tightly, but then he feels a warm press of lips to the palm of his hand. “I was already so fucked up thinking what if that was the last time I got to talk to you. But to know I almost didn’t get to tell you it back…”
Jisung’s eyes are back to being the size of saucers, and he stares at Minho, choking out a sound that’s a cross between a laugh and a sob. “Wh-what?”
“I love you too.” The way Minho says it sounds so solid, so tangible. Jisung’s heart is pounding so hard he’s afraid it might escape his chest as they stare at each other.
“Whatever’s going on with you, I want to be by your side to help you in whatever way I can,” Minho says, kissing Jisung’s palm again.
“Please,” Jisung manages to say, nodding and curling his fingers against Minho’s cheek.
Jisung knows that this isn’t going to solve all his problems, and he’s going to need a lot more than just a boyfriend to fix himself. But maybe today isn’t the shittiest day of his life.
Nah, it’s still the shittiest day of his life. But the good news is that he’s got more days to live, and to live with the goal of making sure that this remains the shittiest day.