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Maggie stared.
She wasn’t sure for how long and she wasn’t really sure of the exact focal point, but she just stared. She felt numb; the amount of worry and adrenaline and stress that she had felt over the last couple days crushed her now as she realized she had made a big, nasty assumption. And that assumption had led her to say one of the very worst things she could possibly say to her own sister.
But even then, it was so draining being in Erin’s life. Maggie sometimes didn’t even recognize herself when Erin was in the picture and it was like Maggie couldn’t control herself. This case alone had proven that, not to mention the last time Erin had come around.
So she was still clean. That was great, truly, but could Maggie really take the risk that came with keeping Erin close? Was it worth it? It seemed like such a blunt and unfair question to be asking herself but it was truthful. Erin had the ability to turn Maggie into someone she didn’t recognize, someone who likely wouldn’t be able to sustain this life she had built for herself.
“Maggie,” came a voice from behind her. Maggie turned quickly to see Scola standing there, watching her closely. “I didn’t think you’d still be here. You good?”
How could she answer that? She could lie and say she was fine. That would be the simplest response, even though Scola would likely know it was a lie as well. But he would also understand. That was one thing she appreciated about him sometimes: he was usually pretty straightforward and rarely tried to get personal about anything to anyone. It had changed some with Tiff, understandably, as they were partnered up most often but even then, he just wasn’t a very emotional or dramatic person.
Maggie loved OA but he could be too much sometimes. Too protective. Too overbearing. Too in touch with his emotions and too ready to analyze hers. She appreciated him, she did, but sometimes she didn’t want a personal life coach or psychologist. She just wanted a partner who trusted her judgment and left her alone.
And yet, here she was sitting alone after OA had just walked away after handing her the drug test results. Clearly he was annoyed with her. Or maybe disappointed. But it all came from his judgment of her. She understood but there was a part of her that wouldn’t have minded a bit of a pep talk this time. But he was gone.
“I, uh,” she stammered, sitting back in the chair and running her hands over her smoothed hair. “Not really.”
Scola frowned slightly and walked a little closer to her. Maggie wasn’t sure if this was one of those situations where he had hoped to just get a “I’m good” response so that he could leave, but either way, he was now willing to listen.
“This stuff with Erin,” she continued. “She was clean the whole time and… I said some nasty things to her. And I regret that but I also turn into someone else when she’s around. It’s like I can’t help it. And I’m afraid it’s going to cost me everything if I keep trying to make it work. We are so different and, I don’t know, maybe it’s best if we just leave it this way.”
Maggie took a deep breath and let it go as a sigh. The words sounded foreign to even her, like something she would have never expected herself to say. Thankfully, she knew Scola wouldn’t be one to judge her harshly; he was a very matter-of-fact kind of guy and nothing she said was a lie. Erin may not be a toxic person overall, but she certainly seemed to have become toxic to Maggie.
“I see,” Scola said slowly as he came to rest on the corner of a nearby desk. “Things did get a little crazy out there. Would you like my advice, as one agent who can get a little carried away when cases involve loved ones to another?”
Maggie chuckled, knowing that he was referencing the recent terror plot in which he had found out the mother of his unborn child had been shot. She had heard enough stories about what went down to know Scola was telling the truth about getting carried away.
“Why not?” she answered, figuring his answer would have a little less bias since he didn’t know her and the situation as much as someone like OA.
“I want you to imagine getting a call right now saying that there was some sort of complication with Erin at the hospital and they were unable to save her.”
Maggie blinked suddenly at this blunt scenario. She knew Scola was straightforward but damn…
He shrugged and continued, “It’s a real possibility that you’ll receive a call like that one day, right? I want you to be in that mindset when you answer the next question: which do you think you would regret more, trying to keep Erin in your life, as messy as that may be, and get your own emotions under control or coming to realize that you’ll never get a chance to try again? Never reconcile. Never make new memories…”
He took a deep breath then and looked down.
“I’m not assuming one way or another, as every situation is different. Only you can answer that question. But I will say, it’s been over two decades since I last saw my brother and not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. Hell, the other day I realized that I really don’t even remember the sound of his voice.”
Maggie suddenly felt like a ton of bricks had landed square on her chest. Here she was casually talking about potentially cutting her sister out of her own life willingly because the relationship was difficult at times to a man who had lost his brother violently and suddenly so long ago.
“If in this imaginary scenario you still feel like you’d be confident in your choice to have avoided her while she was alive, then you have your answer,” he said after a moment of thick silence. “But if not… well, then my advice would be to live a life that you can look back on and honestly say you almost always did everything you could to make it work with her. And don’t wait too long to get started because, you know, tomorrow isn’t promised.”
He stood up then and gave a reassuring half smile.
“I’m probably not as good at giving advice as OA,” he chuckled, “Hell, Tiff is a regular Dr. Phil. But you’re smart and you have a big heart. Trust yourself.”
Maggie smiled slightly and looked down, still trying to process his words.
“Anyway, I’m going to grab some food and get some to-go for Nina. Did you want to join?”
Maggie knew Stuart would have just gotten both his and Nina’s meal to-go normally and ate together at home, so the fact that he was willing to change that up for her made her feel pretty good.
“No, that’s okay,” she responded with a smile.
“Okay,” he said, picking up his jacket, “and, uh, sorry if that was a little blunt. Like I said, not the best at giving advice.”
Maggie imagined he felt pretty odd getting this personal with her, too. And she imagined he would worry if he’d overstepped with her, given that they rarely had opportunities to speak with each other on issues other than work. But honestly, his words may have been exactly what she needed to hear.
“No,” she responded with a reassuring smile, “I appreciate it, Scola.”
He nodded and turned to leave, “Have a good night, Maggie.”
When he was gone, she was left only with her own thoughts. If she was being truthful with herself, it honestly felt too painful at this moment to even imagine a scenario like what Scola had just mentioned. Was it just because of the guilt of realizing that Erin hadn’t been lying about her sobriety? But even if she had taken the line while helping the case, would it still be worth it to eliminate Erin from her life?
Maggie hung her head. No. Her sister was a recovering addict but she was trying. And she was succeeding, as it turned out. And none of it was thanks to Maggie. In fact, if anything was going to push Erin back into drugs, it would be how Maggie treated her today. Like she was still just a burden, even after being strong enough to stay sober for so long and helping the case.
The idea of not being able to control herself around Erin was Maggie’s problem, not her sister’s. And if Erin could find a way to fight addiction every single day, then Maggie could find a way to set healthy, realistic boundaries for herself while also appreciating one of the most important relationships she still had in her life while she still could.
Because Maggie didn’t want to realize one day that she doesn’t remember the sound of Erin’s voice, knowing that she had many opportunities to hear it before losing her completely. She didn’t want to randomly come across Erin and get updates from her that way.
She wanted to walk beside her. She wanted to triumph with her and be a comfort when she had bad days. Maggie had messed up and been selfish. Cruel, even, with her words. Because she was afraid to lose “everything” by having Erin in her life when in actuality, Erin was part of that “everything.”
With one last sigh, Maggie picked up her phone and typed a message: “Erin, I owe you the biggest apology ever. Can we get some dinner? My treat.”
It took only a few moments, but the response she read was enough to alleviate so much of the stress that had been weighing her down.
“Just got released and I’m starving. Gio’s at 8. I want good pizza. And a cannoli.”
Maggie laughed and grabbed her coat. She was going to make this right and, as Scola had suggested, live a life that she would be satisfied with one day if she ever had to look back and examine it. Because what had happened today and how she had treated Erin? That wasn’t it.
With that in mind, Maggie struck out, genuinely looking forward to some good Italian food and making new memories with her sister.