Work Text:
Karolina watches Gerri sleep on her side with her blonde hair disheveled across her pillow. She has the comforter wrapped tightly around her chest, much like a mummy, while Karolina wraps the second comforter loose under her arms.
"Ger, you asleep?" Karolina asks softly, just to make sure. The steady rise and fall of Gerri's chest makes the silence surrounding them seem louder than ever before. She wants to move Gerri's hair out of her eyes but she sits against the headboard instead, tilting her head sideways to watch her from above.
It's not the first time that Karolina hasn't been able to sleep. Most nights she's lucky if she manages to get a few hours. But tonight the burgeoning weight on her chest feels unbearable. They weren't exactly in a relationship, but Karolina hated calling it an affair. She didn't feel scandalous when they were together; she felt like she had found her home. Despite their good days, they had 'broken up' more times than she could remember. Gerri always had an excuse, even though they both knew it was bullshit. And whenever they got back together, it felt worse than before they broke up.
Karolina had asked Gerri about what to call the thing they had had going on (over the past couple of years) over coffee one morning after an especially intense night of fucking, trying to sound casual. She ended up getting teased as if she were a teenager. "You want to be girlfriends? You want to get married and have a white picket fence with our three kids and live happily ever after?" She could still hear Gerri's cruel laugh ring in her ears from time to time. She laughed nervously with her, holding back tears, at the time. She could take a joke. She could pretend that she too had a heart made of ice. She could play along and act like being with Gerri was for convenience and fun more than anything else. She wasn't some kind of fragile flower being crushed over and over again. No. Never.
Despite the fact that Gerri could shower her with affection one minute and snap at her the next, Karolina always felt compelled to crawl back into her arms. She thought that maybe Gerri did love her and was in love with her deep down, even though she didn't quite know how to show or say it. She decided that she would wait for her as long as it took.
She knew that Gerri fucked other people occasionally. It wasn't a secret. She pretended it didn't bother her. After all, Gerri didn't exactly belong to her. But she felt as if every fiber of her being belonged to Gerri. She didn't quite know where she ended and where Gerri began. She tried to fuck a woman she met at a bar once late at night, but she went as far as sloppily kissing her and leaving her apartment right away. It wasn't cheating technically, but it still made her want to throw up. When she tried to nonchalantly tell Gerri about her many trysts (which didn't exist), she thought that the blonde woman snap at her again. Instead, there was a spark in Gerri's eyes as she tore Karolina's clothes off, devouring her with buttons flying and seams ripping. That only turned Karolina on more.
Karolina stares at Gerri for a long time, as if she can take this exact moment in time and freeze it forever. She can't quite believe that she's sleeping soundly next to her. She could give up her whole life for Gerri, move mountains for her, and it would never be enough. Karolina constantly feels like she's running after Gerri. She knows she could never catch up, but she doesn't care. She keeps running even when her legs feel like they're burning with acid. Gerri is always six steps ahead of her, taunting, and never cheering her on.
"I love you," Karolina says out loud into the darkness, her chest heavy. The silence is so deafening that she swears she could hear a pin drop. The last time she had tried to say it, Gerri snapped at her, and they didn't talk for what felt like weeks. They spent meetings avoiding eye contact, and attempted to not sit in the same car or near each other on the plane. They even went as far as getting Frank and Karl to relay work messages to each other. Gerri often complained about Karolina being too needy and it didn't help that Karolina showed up at her doorstep in the pouring rain one night (three days after her confession to be exact) begging to be forgiven. She didn't care if there was someone else there.
"What the hell are you doing? Are you crazy?" Gerri threw open the door and reprimanded her before surprisingly letting her in.
"I'm sorry-" Karolina began, her face wet as she stood in the hallway.
"Don't be sorry," Gerri snapped, grabbing her wrist and guiding her into the living room and sitting her onto the couch.
Karolina was silent as she watched Gerri leave and come back with a towel. She missed the softness of Gerri's hands on her, even when they always bruised her skin during sex (sometimes the bruises felt like trophies and she wished that they never healed).
"I'm still mad at you, Lina," Gerri stated as she squeezed Karolina's wet hair with the towel.
"I know," Karolina replied, her voice almost cracking as she looked down at the hardwood floor.
Gerri let the towel drop around Karolina's neck for a second before lifting Karolina's chin up. She stared into her doe brown eyes. She looked like a stray puppy that Gerri didn't want to take in. Karolina lets Gerri's eyes linger on her lips for a second too long before she grabs Gerri's hand and reaches up to kiss her hard, smothering her perfect red lipstick. Gerri runs her fingers into Karolina's hair as she deepens the kiss, tugging gently at her scalp. Karolina can't help but moan into her mouth. Kissing Gerri was as intoxicating as lighting up a cigarette; she could never really give it up for good. As soon as she runs her hand down Gerri's turtleneck, Gerri abruptly pulls away and clears her throat.
"You should go."
"Can we at least talk?" Karolina pleaded, unintentionally soaking the couch while trying to make eye contact with Gerri's darting eyes. She didn't come here to fuck, not intentionally anyway, but she wasn't complaining either.
"No, it's late, and I still have a ton of work to do," Gerri sighed exasperatedly before walking to the front door. Late nights and insane work schedules never stopped them from staying up before. Karolina followed her, still drenched from head to toe. She heard Gerri call her a cab home and waited alone in the hallway for it to arrive.
She wasn't looking for a marriage proposal. Hell, she wasn't even looking for an I love you back. This way, Gerri's sleeping figure wouldn't be able to be pissed off at her. Or so she thought.
***
The next morning she wakes up to a half-empty bed; Gerri is gone, replaced with her spare apartment key on her pillow. Fuck. She had never given Karolina her spare apartment key back, not that Karolina would ever take it back anyway. Karolina feels tears well up in her eyes. She isn't sure why she's crying; Gerri's left her in far worse ways before. It's not like anyone's died, but this feels like the final nail in the coffin.