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It took awhile for Jackie to realize that she was in love with Shauna Shipman, her best friend, but when she did,
.. it was definitely a big ol’ oh moment for her.
Well, finding out you like girls because your relationship with your best friend borderlined what was a “typical female friendship” would make you question everything about your life, and that Jackie did; Soon realizing all of her previous interactions with Shauna had more of an underlying motive behind them than she had originally intended. Whenever they would hug after Shauna had dropped Jackie off at her house, the blonde would cling onto the girl like a koala, making sure to press their clothed bodies as close together as possible (without it seeming weird) and inhaling her sweet cinnamon scent in the process, or when Shauna would pick her up for school each morning, and Jackie would try her best attempts to hold the other girl’s hand, making up any excuse to touch her, probably saying something along the lines of “Your hair looks tangled, let me brush it out for you..”, or during their sleepovers at Shauna’s house and Jackie insisting they’d share a bed together like how they used to when they were kids, and she would stay up watching to other girl sleep, looking at her lips wondering what they’d feel like on hers and stifling a laugh whenever her nose would twitch when Jackie’s hair tickled her face because she would snuggle up on her too closely like she was her own personal pillow, despite the millions of pillows scattered on Shauna’s bed.
This was a strange realization. Jackie had always thought of herself as straight, the possibility of being a lesbian had never crossed her mind before. Especially not in Wiskayok, New Jersey. The only lesbians that she knew here were Tai and Van!
Straight was always considered the "norm". At least she was brainwashed into thinking that from an early age by her highly conservative parents, and it was easy for her to repress her thoughts that crossed over into so-called "sin", but when Shauna Shipman came into her life. Everything changed. That’s why she chose to date Jeff all throughout high school, to convince herself she was straight; to hide away from herself and in turn, hide her true feelings for Shauna, but it was impossible when Jeff clearly wasn’t Shauna, and he could never be like her in the slightest. He was the opposite. He was too rough, his jaw constantly covered in sharp stubble as he tries for the millionth time to grow out a beard though if he had one, it'd make him look absolutely stupid. His hands were humongous and that may seem like a great feat for many girls, it wasn't for Jackie. Holding hands with him was like a death sentence, his callouses scratching at her skin and his tight grip on her hand that would always make her wonder if she was going to have to amputate it. His voice was too loud and demanding, he treated her like an object. Constantly pushing her around and pressuring her into hand-jobs that left her feeling icky afterwards. They hadn't done anything past that, but Jeff was always bringing the topic up and Jackie quietly declining which would prompt the couple going into the same argument that would lead to another break-up. Jackie knew this cycle, and she knew it was going to continue to happen over and over again because she just wasn't ready to do it and definitely not with him. She'd always imagined her first time being something poetic and sweet, so why would she waste it on a guy who never even took the time of day to get to know her interests or who she is as a person. The only other person who cared about Jackie was Shauna, but that seemed impossible.
Jackie was never herself around Jeff, she was always a facade; she was the popular, blonde, all American girl with her equally as popular jock of a boyfriend. That was the way it was supposed to be. They were the ideal couple, being voted Prom Queen and Prom King, getting a spot in their school yearbook junior year in the ‘Most Likely to get Married’ category, but Jackie hated it.. she didn't see Jeff in her future and god, the idea of being trapped in a marriage with someone she didn't even love didn't sit well with her. All she wanted was Shauna, a life with her. She wanted to do all those things with Shauna. She only ever wanted that.
But being a girl who’s romantically and sexually attracted to another girl who she was also so in love with, terrified her for countless reasons.
The main two being 1.) Shauna's her best friend and if Jackie lost her she wouldn’t know what to do with her life, and 2.) Jackie’s family’s gravely homophobic.
If her mother knew that she even liked girls in that way, she would've, without a doubt, kicked her out a long time ago. Mrs. Taylor had always been so keen on her family’s image being the "idealistic" American household, the American dream; one you’d see on the cover of a magazine; and a lesbian daughter was definitely not a part of that image. Mrs. Taylor had always pictured a large, traditional wedding for Jackie and her future husband. Jackie’s dress would be her mother’s wedding gown passed down from her mother before her and it would be so large and poofy that she’d stick out, but for the worst reasons. The venue would be decorated with the most boring white color scheme and having white flowers scattered all over the place and soon, they'll say their vows and a classic I do promptly leaving Jackie forever bound to some guy she doesn't even care about.
Then, she'd end up having 2 to 4 kids with her husband who majored in business in whatever Ivy League his parents paid a fortune to get him into and going off to his job at some random large company he was president of, leaving Jackie at home to watch their kids. Just like how her parents were (the only difference being Mrs. Taylor never cared for Jackie, always leaving her in the care of some nanny or babysitter).
Jackie expected this life too, but the second she met Shauna Shipman in the first grade with her dark hair in pigtails, wearing overalls a size too big for her small body. She knew she wanted to be with her for as long as time went on. And fast forward now to her realizing that everything she’d felt for Shauna strayed far from platonic.
Even the other Yellowjackets knew before she did. They saw past her “straight girl” facade when she was dating Jeff, immediately calling her bluff because every single time Jeff and Jackie went out to one of Lottie’s parties, they could all see the disgust and regret on the girl's face each time he would initiate PDA, or whenever he got insanely drunk and would push himself onto her. So when they broke up months later, it wasn’t a shock to either one of them. They just knew how she felt towards Shauna; her longing glances from afar in French class (which left Lottie annoyed knowing Jackie wouldn't get these notes down for her to copy), her obvious favoritism, how she would talk about Shauna compared to Jeff, and how protective she was towards her were such big giveaways. Each time Jackie saw the darker haired girl at practice sweating and panting heavily as the New Jersey heat wore her out, and how Shauna would wipe her sweat from her forehead using her shirt, drove the blonde absolutely insane. Her thoughts always ran wild during these practices, and she was down bad.. God. And whenever Jackie saw the silhouette of her abs whenever her shirt clung to her stomach, she tried her hardest not to stare, but it was impossible to not draw your eyes away, especially when it was Shauna.
Jackie was always very questionable when she would talk about Shauna. Especially when she was drunk. Always mentioning how Shauna was “hers”, and how “you bitches need to back off of my girl!” And bawling her eyes out whenever Shauna would leave for a few minutes to use the bathroom or grab a new drink. So Van and Tai were always the designated ‘Jackie-sitters’, watching her in Shauna’s absence, but as they consoled her, rubbing her back and letting her cry away her make up onto their jackets whenever Shauna “left”. They knew the honey blonde girl felt some sort of way towards Shauna, that was most likely not platonic.
So you could tell everybody knew Jackie was very in love with Shauna, very.
— — —
She always disregarded her feelings as just totally normal—”I care a lot about her deeply!” best friend feelings and she viewed jealousy as just her being “over protective”, until tonight.
Shauna was getting ready to go on a date, with a girl whose name Jackie didn’t really care for. They’d met at the bookstore a few months back, both rom com-ingly picking up the last copy of the same book at the same time. Shauna being the kind soul she is, offered the girl to take it, but the girl begrudgingly refused to do so. They fought back and forth over who should keep it. Jackie didn’t really want to see Shauna giggling and smiling with this girl, so she fought the urge to step in and snatching the back giving it to Shauna, but in the end, Shauna still got the book and that girl’s number. Jackie watched this whole thing play out and she was seething, she definitely knew she didn’t want to share Shauna with anybody else, especially not this girl who was trying to waltz her way into Shauna’s book-loving heart. Shauna walked up to Jackie with a smile telling her all about it, and as angry as she was, the excitement in Shauna’s voice and how her eyes twinkled as she recalled the incident from mere seconds ago wiped all her anger away. But she couldn’t help but glare at the girl on their way out.
They were both in Shauna’s room, which had posters plastered everywhere: Nirvana, Pink Floyd, Tori Amos, Liz Phair, you name it. Shauna had it all—though some were finally giving out and slowly peeling their ways off. Jackie adorned the comfort of the girl’s room. The organized mess it was with a dusty guitar seated in the corner, the many photos of them growing up together displayed throughout her vanity mirror, the strong smell of incense wafting through the air, and the endless array of colorful blankets and pillows on her bed. It was so much better than the depressing atmosphere of her own home, way better. Shauna's space had a sort of calming effect on Jackie, that's why she spends most of her time here anyway. However, nothing was calm tonight. Shauna was nervously pacing throughout her room, biting her nails in the process (a habit the blonde thought she'd given up), and throwing different band tees and tank tops onto the floor, trying to pick the “perfect” outfit for her date tonight.
“What’d you think of this one, Jax?” Shauna anxiously asks, sprawling a black Foo Fighters tee over her chest, but quickly discards it. “Nevermind, it’s not good enough..” Shauna apprehensively turns back around to her closet, sifting through all her options scattered throughout the floor.
"I know I had a good tank top in here. Where is it.."
“Remind me where you guys are going again.” Jackie groans as she uncovers herself from the blankets, pulling herself up on Shauna’s bed and stares at the girl in front of her who is in total panic mode now, her hands on the side of her head and eyes wide.
Shauna turns her head towards Jackie. “Just the arcade across the mall and then the movies after.” She blurts out without a second thought, and the blonde looks up at her. She was cute when she’s nervous. Jackie fully sits up from the bed, using her arms as leverage to pull her up.
“Okay.., so just wear what you usually wear. It’s not like you’re going out for dinner or something fancy like that, unless you’re hiding something from me, Shipman?” Jackie jokingly crosses her arms as she walks up to the girl, the two are inches apart now and Jackie can more visibly hear the shakiness in Shauna’s breath, but she slowly calms down as her body gets closer to Jackie’s.
“I wouldn’t hide anything from you, Jax. You know that,” Shauna says softly, her voice consoling Jackie.
“I don’t keep secrets from my best friend.” Shauna directs her gaze away from Jackie. The blonde walks back to the bed and slowly falls onto it, staring up at the ceiling covered in glow-in-the-dark stars her and Shauna put up back when they were 12.
Best friend.
The two words that meant so much to Jackie years prior, now stung like crazy, she felt ill. They linger in her head for a bit longer, ringing throughout. It sounded like bad static.
Best friend, best friend.. that’s all she is to Shauna, her best friend and nothing more. She shouldn't have gotten her hopes up. This realization hurt her more than it should, but she quickly prevented the thoughts before they escalated even further, she shouldn’t ruin her friendship over a stupid crush.
‘You’re here for Shauna, not yourself. Stop acting like this.’
Jackie knew that that was right, she shouldn’t make this about herself, and Shauna probably didn’t even feel the same way towards her, she’s going on a date with another girl for fucks sake, she had to respect that. She takes a deep breath in and out to slowly calm her nerves. She sits up from the bed again and without thinking, grabs the navy and dark red flannel that was Shauna’s favorite off the floor, and makes her way over to the panicked girl.
“Here, why don't you wear this..” She hands over the flannel, “and this.” She also hands over the white scalloped spaghetti strap that was rejected earlier from the “date night top choices” for seeming too basic.
“They’ll match well with each other, trust me. You look good in anything, Shipman.” Jackie was genuine with this. To her Shauna was everything, she basically looked stunning in whatever she wore, her body was sculpted perfectly from all the drills and games they'd done throughout their four years of highschool. She was beautiful.
“You sure?” Shauna asks, looking for confirmation. “Mhm, so stop stressing so much.” Jackie playfully smacks her arm and smiles at her endearingly, and the other girl repeats this back to her. The two stood there for a bit, until the silence was slowly getting too much. Shauna ends it by coughing into her hand and Jackie takes a step back.
Jackie turns her head away to avoid Shauna’s gaze. “You should probably wear some shorts too, I heard it was gonna be warm tonight..” Jackie says.
“Um, yeah alright, alright.” Shauna throws the clothes down on the bed, and starts taking her shirt off in front of Jackie, Jackie’s cheeks start heating up like crazy and she whips her head around to stare out the window instead.
Shauna notices this and raises a brow. “What’s wrong? It’s like we haven’t seen each other change before.” Her speech is slightly muffled as she pulls the spaghetti strap over her head.
Jackie falls silent for a few seconds, before she musters up something to say back to her. “It’s not really anything–”
Shauna walks over to Jackie, turning her around and gently pulling her chin up. Staring at the blush on her cheeks which was very noticeable. “Yeah right, are you blushing, Jax?” Her tone suggestive, Jackie’s eyes widened at the question. Shauna’s gaze made her feel weak, and realizing how close they were definitely added to her nervousness.
“Pssh, no! I was just–”
“I’m just messing with you.” She pulls away from the honey blonde girl and quickly pulls her pajama pants off to put on a pair of shorts that were just the right amount of baggy and hit her knees perfectly. Jackie sighs in relief, that whole situation was.. alot for her to handle. Too close for comfort.
Shauna slides her converse on and ties her laces still using the ‘Bunny Ear’ technique that Jackie had taught her back in 2nd grade.
Jackie grabs her black Mary Janes and puts them on as well.
Shauna grabs her keys from the dresser and quickly bolts out the bedroom door. “Okay. I’m ready, let’s hurry so I can drop you off at your place, Jax!” Her voice slowly trailing off in the distance.
Jackie quickly follows suit behind Shauna and shouts, “Slow down, Shipman!”
— — —
Shauna steps on the brakes as soon as she sees the familiar silhouette of Jackie’s house.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then, Jax.” Shauna says, her eyes locked onto the blonde.
Jackie returns Shauna’s gaze and turns to her left to unbuckle her seat belt. “Uh..yeah. See you tomorrow, Shaun.” Jackie says, reaching over to embrace the other girl.
She tightens her hold around her and pulls her face into her shoulder. “Tell me everything later.” She mumbles into Shauna’s flannel, but that was 100% a lie. She didn’t want to hear Shauna talking about this girl and how great they hit it off. Jackie knew she sounded like a shitty friend, but at this point, she was too self-pitied to even be annoyed with herself.
“I will.” Shauna pulls away from the hug first, Jackie sinks back into the passenger seat and grabs her purse from the dashboard before stepping out the car door.
Shauna continues to stare at Jackie as she prepares to leave. “I love you, Jax.” The darker haired girl says before Jackie shuts the door.
Jackie smiles at her. “I love you too.”
They both wave goodbye to each other, and as soon as Shauna drives off, Jackie runs up to her haunted-looking, bleak colonial home with its large pillars that made it look fancier than what it was. Jackie sighed—she hated her house and how lonely it felt in there. The inside was too dark and too dreary with its old furniture, dull wallpaper, and lack of decoration; if anything, it felt more like a mortuary.
Her parents weren’t much help as they were such negligent assholes (and she was an only child), but she’d prefer their presence being there with her if it just meant that she wouldn’t be alone; once again they were on another vacation without Jackie, and usually on nights like these she would invite Shauna over and they would discuss on which new movies to watch that night so they could go drive to the local video store and rent it out (because the “closest” Blockbuster was in Bridgeton and that was hours away). It would always end up being some cheap slasher Shauna picked out because Jackie didn’t have it in her to tell her “no”. Well, at least not straight up and because whenever she pleaded with her using her melancholy eyes as leverage, Jackie really couldn’t say no. Nights like those were always memorable for her even if they’ve done it millions of times before because it was with Shauna. Seeing her happy was everything to her.
She enjoyed holding onto her for dear life whenever a jumpscare would appear on screen, how they would fall asleep in eachothers’ arms on the couch and wake up with popcorn tangled in their hair and clothes, and how anxious they would get having to clean up the mess they’d left behind on the coffee table before Jackie’s parents came home, but they couldn’t do that tonight because Shauna was out on a stupid date.
Jackie sighs, taking her shoes off at the entryway because the Taylor household had a strict “no shoes inside” policy and any visible sight of a footprint on their dark oak floors would send Mr. and Mrs. Taylor into a spiral. Jackie’s parents were too much and too strict, but they never cared enough to show any interest in their daughter. Jackie always resented her parents for that, wishing they would just give her their time of day at least one time and not when they were lecturing her or scolding her for getting anything other than an ‘A’ on her report card. She just wants someone to give her their attention, listen to her, and finally hear what she has to say. Someone to love her unconditionally, to accept her as who she is, and not force her into being something she isn’t. There was only one person out there who did accept her and made her feel loved, but deep down, she knew she couldn’t have her.
It was getting darker out, so Jackie marched up the stairs and into her room hoping to get ready for bed early so she could go to sleep and pretend this day never happened.
Jackie opens her dresser and rummaged through her pajamas to find the matching set with little kittens on them. Shauna had gifted them to her two Christmas’ ago during the Yellowjackets secret Santa exchange (even though she’s Jewish). The darker haired girl apologized frequently for her gift not being “a lot” because she had a better present waiting for Jackie for when Christmas actually came, but the blonde didn’t mind as she appreciated whatever Shauna had given her anyways as they always seemed to suit Jackie’s interests (this time being cats) and it coming from Shauna. She’d always treasured the pajama set since she’d gotten it and wore it whenever she could, they weren’t as soft as before because of the fabric pilling, but they were still as special to her.
Jackie smiles to herself thinking fondly of that time. Remembering how all the Yellowjackets huddled around in a circle in Lottie’s living room, exchanging gifts with one another, listening to ‘Last Christmas’ by Wham! And ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ by Mariah Carey on repeat, and just getting to spend time with each other not as teammates, but friends instead. Sometimes Jackie felt like they were more of a family to her than her parents ever were.
She sits down in front of her vanity and grabs the makeup wipes next to her, rubbing them softly on face to not cause too much tension and form a pimple. She stares at herself in the mirror watching as the foundation slowly disappears from her face revealing her paleness and eye bags underneath, she cringes at herself. Jackie had always felt insecure about herself, ever since she was a kid really. Always keen on keeping the image that was already made for her. Promising to never get her clothes dirty, making sure her hair’s curled perfectly and that there wouldn’t be one stray strand left uncurled, and maintaining the "perfect" weight. Keeping this image of herself in check in order to keep her parents happy.
Staring at herself made her feel so revolted and she hated the unattractive figure staring back at her. She hated how she looked and the person she was, and before she knew it, a few stray tears fell from her eyes.
“Fuck.”
Jackie quickly turns off the lamp on her vanity and wipes her tears away with the back of her hand. She picks up the pajamas she left on her bed and heads off to her bathroom. Jackie flips the light switch on and places her clothes down on the counter. She starts taking her clothes off and places them in the hamper hidden inside of the storage closet there. The cool air starts to hit her skin and she slowly starts to shiver, she covers her upper body with her left arm as a way to keep warm, as she uses her right arm to turn on the showerhead; she impatiently stands there waiting for it to turn hot. “God, hurry up..”
A few minutes pass until the water finally becomes the exact temperature Jackie wants. She draws back the shower curtain and steps in, feeling the hot water run through her back first, she hisses at this new sensation. She dunks her head underneath the shower head feeling the water trickle down her scalp to her neck, and the rest of her body. Once she’s adapted to the heat, she starts to wash her hair.
— — —
Jackie finishes her shower after 30 minutes or so and steps out. She lightly dries her hair before deciding to use the blow dryer and wraps herself in another towel. She stands in front of the mirror and plugs in the blow dryer, turning it on and gently moving it around her head, not getting too close to burn herself.
In the midst of blow drying her hair, Jackie hears a persistent knocking sound coming from outside.
KNOCK
KNOCK
KNOCK
She sets the blow dryer down on the counter, confused on who might even be knocking on her door right now. It was dark outside like pitch black, and it was most likely around 10—so the only people out right now were either murderers, stalkers, intruders, or even worse; a combination of all. The blonde tries to ignore these thoughts by shaking her head, she slowly opens the bathroom door and consciously makes her way down the stairs. The knocking continued up again.
KNOCK
KNOCK
KNOCK
Jackie carefully makes her way to the door, the hallway started to feel like it was dragging out as she was consumed with thoughts of being possibly murdered. Curse Shauna for making her watch all those horror movies. She finally reaches the door and hesitantly decides to look through the peephole to get a closer look at this creep. As Jackie peers through, she realizes the “creep” was Shauna, who simultaneously looked tired and frantic like she’d just ran a marathon. Jackie, fearing for the worst, swiftly opens the door for her.
“Shauna, what the fuck are you doing here?” Jackie drags Shauna inside by her hand. “What happened? Aren’t you supposed to be on your date right now?!” Shauna grips onto Jackie’s hand as she follows her into the living room, the blonde plops her down on the couch and sits down next to her.
“Shit sor– I can’t–” Shauna didn’t know how to phrase her sentences right now.
“You couldn’t what..?” Jackie asks with sincerity and worry sounding throughout her honey voice, Shauna starts to calm down a bit when she hears her speak.
“I couldn’t bring myself to like he– How do I say this..she’s not you, Jackie.” Shauna confesses softly, her hands on Jackie’s bare shoulders, which makes Jackie realize that she’s just in a towel right now with absolutely nothing on underneath. Her face starts to redden even more and she doesn’t know if it’s because of that, or Shauna’s maybe confession?
“Wha-what do you mean, Shaun?” Jackie starts to stutter, her eyes stare up into Shauna’s. The feeling felt more intimate than before.
“What I’m saying is,” Shauna sighs, “I thought that going out with her and everything would help me get over my feelings for you, but when I was with her, it didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like how I felt when I was with you, you make me feel at peace like I can be myself around you. You’re everything to me, Jackie. Ever since the day we met I’ve been in love with you..and I just couldn’t hold my feelings in any longer, it was driving me crazy. I love you, and if you don’t feel the same way that’s ok–” Shauna was immediately shut up with a kiss from Jackie. Her eyes were wide and her body frozen, but once she calmed, she soon fell into it. Kissing Jackie back immediately.,Shauna puts her hands on her waist to pull her close and deeper into the kiss, this felt amazing. Jackie wraps her arms around Shauna’s neck, not really caring if her towel fell off right now. They stay like that until they both pull away to catch their breaths. Their eyes light up as they look at each other, forehead to forehead.
“Do you know how long I’ve waited for you to say that, Shipman?” Jackie cooes. Shauna dumbly shakes her head.
“A long fucking time. I’ve liked you for so long now, dummy.” She puts her hands on the sides of Shauna’s face, and places a chaste kiss on her soft lips.
Shauna slowly pulls back from Jackie and speaks up. “I’ve liked you too..I just thought since you were with Jeff you were straight and that I was just a dumb lesbian who’s in love with her be–” The other girl giggles and places a finger on the darker haired girl’s lips.
“Well, I thought I was straight too, but once I realized I wasn’t.. I decided to date Jeff, you know? If I dated him, then people wouldn’t suspect anything, but it wasn’t right with him either. I wanted someone like yo– no, I wanted you, Shauna.” Jackie confesses, her words making Shauna slightly tear up.
“Oh.” Shauna says between sniffles. Jackie wipes her tears away and kisses her cheek, tasting the saltiness of her tears.
“Yeah, oh..” The two stay silent from a bit and intertwine their hands together, just appreciating this moment with each other. Everything in their friendship had led up to this point, and they felt stupid for not realizing sooner.
“So, what does this mean now?” Jackie asks, curiosity hinting at her voice. Hoping Shauna has another thing to say.
“I guess this means we’re dating now.” Shauna looks innocently toward the blonde wondering if she fucked anything up in her simple statement, her hand behind her neck awkwardly.
"Like girlfriend and girlfriend?" Jackie's eyes light up and Shauna swears she can see a tail wagging behind her.
"Like girlfriend and girlfriend." Shauna repeats back, but as a statement this time. Jackie attacks Shauna down on the couch and smashes her lips onto hers, Shauna groans feeling the weight of Jackie crush her, but places her hands along her waist, rubbing up and down. "Mm.." Jackie positions herself more comfortably on top of Shauna and lays her chin down on her sternum and the darker haired girl gently runs her fingers through Jackie's honey blonde hair.
"I love you, Shaun." Jackie says, finally feeling a sense of euphoria within herself. All she'd ever wanted was here with her right now, and she felt like crying. She buries her face into Shauna's chest.
Shauna reaches over and places a soft kiss on top of Jackie's head. "I love you too."