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In every heart, there is a room,
A sanctuary safe and strong,
To heal the wounds from lovers past,
Until a new one comes along.
Heizou sighed, looking at the case file in front of him. This was ridiculously easy. Too easy, in fact. No criminal could ever escape the eyes of Detective Shikanoin Heizou, so why did they try? It was lost on him. But people often did things that made no sense, so until the day when that ceased to occur, Heizou would still be here, sitting in his small office in the Tenryou Commission's Police Station, connecting evidence, until he caught every criminal in existence. It was the promise he made after Sakkaku's death.
Sakkaku.
Just the thought of the name brought all kinds of memories back to Heizou. Of two twelve-year-olds sitting in a small field, staring up at the stars. Of a smile, of light in a dull life. A place to go to after a particularly grueling session of training. Of a gentle touch, of a hand in his, of full lips, of small kisses on his beauty marks.
They may have both been twelve, but they were in love.
And then, Heizou had finally grown tired of wondering why, despite being a son of a wealthy merchant, Sakkaku's clothes were always dirty.
At the time, the confession had hit Heizou in the stomach like one of his father's punches—hard, ruthless. Oh, how he wished he could've remained in ignorance. But, blinded by rage over this betrayal, Heizou yelled, "We're not friends anymore!" as he stormed away, back home. His father might've pushed Heizou hard in an attempt to preserve the Shikanoin art, but at least he never lied to him. Never deceived him.
Never tried to steal from him.
That day, after all the screaming, sobbing, and throwing away of gifts, Heizou had lied on the floor of his room, retreating into the sanctuary of his broken heart.
Heizou shook his head, trying to return to reality. Right, the case. But no matter how hard he tried, his mind kept wandering, back into the memories of the past.
The year after Sakkaku's betrayal, Heizou was at a festival, the green pebble his friend had given him in his pocket. It was the only gift that Heizou hadn't managed to throw away. He'd had no plans to go to the festival. That was, until he found the pebble under his bed. Seeing it brought a heaviness on Heizou's heart, and he'd decided to make amends.
And he did.
But that was while his friend was lying on the ground, in a pool of his own blood. They'd made up, certainly, but by that time it was too late. He had felt helpless as Sakkaku died in his arms.
And once again, Heizou had been left to retreat into the sanctuary of his broken heart.
I spoke to you in cautious tones,
You answered me with no pretense,
But still I feel I've said too much,
My silence is my self defense.
Heizou sighed. He needed to clear his mind, so he got up and walked around Inazuma City, watching the Sakura blooms fall from the trees on his way to Shimura's for some lunch—he'd be damned if he had to eat the flavorless Police Station food—yet on his way, the sight of a couple arguing brought him back into his memories. He hurried to Shimura's before the flashbacks could begin, but the moment he had finished ordering, they slammed into him like a roof tile dislodged by Kirara's deliveries on his head.
"Why won't you just TELL me?! I KNOW you're hiding something!"
"Sango, some things will always be more important than the truth...!"
"What the hell do you mean by that?! We're DETECTIVES, for Archons' sakes!"
"Sango, please! Just listen to me!"
"No! I'm DONE listening to you! Get. Out. NOW!"
"Sango—"
"OUT, SHIKANOIN!"
Heizou flinched at the memory. He could practically hear Sango's voice in his ears, see her angrily pointing at the door.
And even though she wasn't there in the restaurant with him, he could still feel her rage.
Heizou shuddered, and a moment later, his Tempura was in front of him. With a fake smile to hide his internal cyclone, he thanked the waiter and dug in. The fried flavors bursting in his mouth were a welcome distraction from his thoughts.
And every time I've held a rose,
It seems I've only felt the thorns,
And so it goes, and so it goes,
And so will you soon, I suppose...
But if my silence made you leave,
Then that would be my worst mistake,
So I will share this room with you,
And you can have this heart to break.
Was it just him, or was his Tempura particularly spicy? Because he felt tears in his eyes. Heizou faked a cough to wipe them, quickly finished his meal, paid, and left. Walking back to the Police Station quickly, Heizou spotted the arguing couple again. Their anger was gone, replaced by loving smiles and the holding of hands.
Heizou ran the rest of the way back.
He practically sighed in relief after he got back to the safety of his office, where he could work in peace. But as he kept working, alarming thoughts kept surfacing.
'No matter how hard I try, how much of a reputation I have, people keep committing so many crimes.'
'It's like no one cares.'
'Why does no one care?'
'Does it even matter?'
'Do I even matter?'
'What's the point?'
'Madam Kujou says I'm annoying, and it's not just her who thinks so—a lot of other people do too.'
'The Tenryou Commission has so many talented detectives. Do they even need me here?'
'Is Madam Kujou keeping me here out of pity? Or kindness? By capturing all of those criminals, I've ruined so many families... I don't deserve her kindness. Or her pity, for that matter.'
'I don't deserve anyone's kindness.'
'Is there even a point for me to live?'
"Man alive, what is wrong with me?"
Heizou had his head in his hands. He looked up a moment later to see a fellow Doushin walking by, giving him an odd look. Oh. Had he said that last part aloud?
"Sorry." he mumbled. The Doushin walked away with an unburdened shrug. Heizou sighed. Time to get back to work.
As simple as his cases were and as much as some other equally capable person could've handled it, Heizou's workload was a welcome distraction from his thoughts, from his inner cyclone ravaging through his mind. But all good things must come to an end, and a stern Kujou Sara walked into his office.
"We're closing up for the night. Go home."
"Aw, but Madam Kujou..."
"Get some sleep, Detective!"
"Oh..." Heizou stalled.
"Out, Shikanoin!" Kujou Sara turned on her heels and left. Heizou flinched, glad she couldn't see his face.
"OUT, SHIKANOIN!"
Was that reality? Or a memory? Heizou couldn't tell—Sango and Kujou Sara's voices blended together. He shook his head to clear himself of his thoughts, packed up his things, and left as per Madam Kujou's orders.
Heizou did not go home immediately, opting to once again walk across Inazuma City's streets. It was much quieter at night. With a quiet sigh that was deafening to him, he wandered onwards, toward the little tree his current lover sometimes spent time under during the night. And Heizou was greeted with platinum blond hair with a streak of maple leaf red. Just the person in question.
"Kazuha!" Heizou greeted with a smile, plopping down next to him.
"Hello, my dear fawn. How are you?"
"Perfectly fine." Heizou lied, feeling slightly guilty about deceiving his boyfriend. But he'd feel more guilty dumping his burdens onto him.
Kazuha hummed in contentment. If he could sense Heizou's internal cyclone, he didn't say anything.
They sat in silence, watching the city at night, hand in hand. But after a while, Heizou had to go—he still had work tomorrow. He planted a gentle kiss on his lover's forehead, which Kazuha returned, and then he went home.
Heizou felt sick inside. He didn't feel like he deserved to be loved by Kazuha. His thoughts began spiraling again.
'Do I deserve him?'
'I don't deserve him.'
'He's too nice.'
'If only he could see how worthless I really am.'
'Does he still love me?'
'Am I a burden to him?'
'Am I a burden to everyone?'
'Is there a point in living?'
'No, there isn't...'
Heizou's thoughts spiraled and spiraled as he went to sleep.
There were tear stains on his eyes the next morning.
It was also raining outside. It was cold, dark, and otherwise bleary—just like Heizou's mood.
And this is why my eyes are closed,
It's just as well for all I've seen,
And so it goes, and so it goes,
And you're the only one who knows...
With a sigh and a heavy heart, Heizou stood from his bed, tugging his haori over his shoulders. He sat back down on his bed a few moments later, pen and paper in hand.
And he wrote.
And wrote.
And wrote some more.
Heizou poured his heart and soul into his note. And with his heart even heavier than before, he stood up from the bed and padded to the kitchen. He placed his note down on the counter, and gripped his kitchen knife, the one he used for chopping vegetables that he'd fry for dinner.
So I would chose to be with you,
That's if the choice were mine to make,
But you can make decisions too...
...And you can have this heart to break.
Tears flowing freely from his eyes, the renowned Detective Shikanoin Heizou, Doushin from the Tenryou Commission, the legendary Cyclone who once dreamed of stopping crime in its filthy tracks, pressed the blade to his own neck.
And then he pulled.
As the world faded to black around him, Shikanoin Heizou's final thoughts were bleak. He was glad to no longer be a burden to everyone around him. Happy that he would no longer mess up any families, no longer screw up in any relationships.
That he would no longer cause anyone anymore pain for any reason whatsoever.
And so it goes, and so it goes...
...And you're the only one who knows.