Chapter Text
Buck is really gonna do it.
It’s not like he hasn’t done stupid things before, stealing fire trucks to have sex, climbing a ladder without harness under the eye of a shooter who targets firefighters, putting himself in front of a running car with a drunken driver. His track record shines in reckless stupidity.
But this. This is a all new level of stupid. Or maybe just self-sabotaging desperate. Or mentally ill. He’s trying to put a label on it.
Dr. Copeland would say that there are very important reasons behind those kind of actions, reasons they started to unpack when he was still in therapy. But Dr. Copeland is not here and he’s come to the realization that, between him and Eddie, he has been the not therapy kind of guy all along.
There’s a part of him, buried under scorching self-loath and a pile of unresolved trauma, screaming at him not to listen. Telling him this need, whose roots are so deep constricted in the frail soil of his mind, nourished by unrestricted fears built year after year, is a nothing more than a gambler.
He doesn’t need to make himself miserable again, he doesn’t need to respond every time that little voice whines. He could count, take deep breaths and ignore it until he could let it go. Turn that specific fear in a just passing by thought. He could think Eddie, Eddie, Eddie and hold tight to that and never let go. He wants so desperately never let him go.
Still, he’s knocking on his landlord door and being stupid.
He can hear Mr. Lozzano stepping on something and cursing under his breath. A minute, maybe two, before he opens the door.
He’s wearing his pajamas and his gray hair are both ruffled and glued to his head.
It’s 7.15, he probably was sleeping. Buck never really paid attention to the man but he’s kinda old. He should put some distance immediately, because he doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to old people.
“Buckley? What do you want?” he asks, annoyance thick in his voice.
“Ehm, hello to you too. Last month I mentioned to you I was gonna move out once my lease expires in two months. Well, I just want to let you know that I-I changed my mind.”
Mr. Lozzano makes a face, a mix of confusion and a little bit of worry.
“What? I already started putting ads online, I have people interested. Buckley, I’m gonna put up the rent, how is this convenient for you?”
Now Buck’s annoyed. He’s an adult, why people, even basically stranger like his landlord, are eager to share their opinion on his personal life every fucking time?
“Yeah, well, I’m not moving out.”
He’s a little too snappy, but this is gonna be a difficult and very long day and he really doesn’t want to argue first thing in the morning with the old man.
Mr. Lozzano does a fully body huff and rolls his eyes in a very dramatic way.
“Kids nowadays! Did you break up with your fiancé before the wedding? I was actually expecting an invitation.”
He’s obviously talking about Eddie, and it wouldn’t be the first time people assume they are together, married even. But Mr Lozzano hasn’t even met him more than a couple of times, so it’s a little disturbing. There’s an ongoing building bet about them like the famous one at the firehouse? Were they so obvious? Are they still?
“Fiancé? I’m not engaged,” he replies sternly.
“Why? What are you and your man waiting for? What’s his name? Eduardo?”
Buck almost laughs at that, flashes of firefighters calendar, punching bags and a detonate bomb in the back of an ambulance. The day he met Eddie, all those years ago, when he was acting like an asshole because the new guy was extremely hot and so competent and how could anyone not be intimidated by that? Or more accurately how could anyone not fall for that? He remembers stuttering and blushing just because of the offer of a promise sealed by trust.
“His name is Eddie from Edmundo, not Eduardo. And he’s my boyfriend. We’re not engaged.”
Mr. Lozzano looks perplexed, a frown on his brow, like he’s trying to recall something.
“Don’t the two of you have a kid together? The adorable one? Glasses, blonde curls, looks just like you?”
Fuck. He’s going to cry. Because well, it’s not like he’s thought about the consequences of all of this a lot. Especially what will happen with Christopher. He can’t even fathom the idea without getting sick to his stomach.
“Yeah, Christopher. Ehm, we’re not getting married though, quite the opposite actually.”
Why is he even telling this to him? The conversion should have stopped after the I’m not moving out. He should have said Goodbye. I’m late for work.
Work. He’s gonna be late. Try to explain that to Bobby. Sorry cap, I’m late because I was making another terrible choice, you know, business as usual.
“You broke up with him? He’s perfect for you and I can stand him! Unlike your last girlfriend, the redhead one. Oh boy, insufferable. I’ll never forgive you for bring her to live here. She wanted to change the locks of every apartment, something more update, she kept repeating. Eduardo loves my locks.”
He’s realizing how how detached from the reality he was when he and Taylor were together. There wasn’t a single person between his friends, family and this entire building apparently who found her nice.
“Yeah, well an upgrade wouldn’t be so bad and Eddie is a little technophobe.”
“I like him even more.”
A smile tugs at his lips thinking about Eddie and his aversion to technology that always makes him all flustered and grumpy. It's cute.
That smile fades in the span of a few seconds as soon as he realizes the reason why he’s taking about Eddie with his landlord in the first place.
He needs to go to work. He needs to say this straight.
“We didn’t break up.” Yet, he thinks. “But we are in a weird state of our relationship. I don’t know where it’s going.”
Mr. Lozzano simply shakes his head, the I will never understand your generation kind.
“Fine. I’ll renew your lease. But I want you out of here in a year. Don’t be stupid and ask that handsome man to marry you. There was a time when I thought you two were already married.”
Here we go. As if it couldn’t be more painful.
“The rental price will still change?”
“Of course, Buckley. One more reason to clear the house. Now get the hell out of here and let me go back to sleep.”
And then the doors slams shut.
He checks his phone and fuck, he’s really gonna be late for work.
-
When he arrives at the station fifteen minutes late, he apologizes to Bobby murmuring something about his landlord and broken pipes and an entire week without hot water. It’s half a lie anyway. Bobby just nods, says that it’s fine, no worries and he has a spare room in case he wants a hot shower. It’s common knowledge that Bobby has a soft spot for Buck and Buck every time wonders why, what he could possibly have seen in him to be consider as his son.
Because Buck always feels unworthy of so much love. The father’s love Bobby gives him everyday, expressed through the cooking of secret recipes and life-learning conversations. The brotherly love of Maddie, Hen and Chim, pure and unconditional, wrapped up in hugs and snarky teasing. The all-encompassing and all-consuming love Eddie gifts him everyday, gentle and reverent, free, open but just theirs, always given without asking anything in return.
After today, Eddie will probably stop loving him that much and it’s for the better. Because the burden will lift a little bit and ease on his shoulders.
He’s alone in the locker room, buttoning is uniform and he really doesn’t wanna see Eddie right know.
The fall out began a couple of months ago, the first few cracks opening in the past few weeks, but now he feels like he’s an aftershock away from collapsing into the fresh cleaned pavements of the firehouse, spilling droplets of blood everywhere, showing all of his broken bones put together once by Eddie’s calloused, safe and sure hands, and now left to rot into a mist made of solitude and misery.
When he goes upstairs Eddie’s nowhere in side. Neither is Bobby. Ravi is filling his plate with waffle and strawberries. Chim and Hen are eating their breakfast while laughing over Hen’s phone, probably some TikTok Denny made her seen last night.
“Look who finally decided to show up. You wore yourself out last night, Backaroo? Eddie definitely didn’t sleep” Chim greets him wriggling his highbrows.
Buck doesn’t even have the energy to look annoyed at the sexual innuendo or retort with a smart comeback.
He goes for a simple “Uhm, where is he?” choosing a neutral tone, hoping it doesn’t give away too much.
Hen scrutinize him for a moment, eyes narrowed, head slightly tilted. Of course she’s alright caught him. It’s Hen, the smartest, most preceptive person on the entire planet.
“He said we wasn’t hangry and then went straight to Bobby’s office” she answers at the end.
Why Eddie needed to see Bobby so urgently? What’s so important that couldn’t wait finishing breakfast? Did he go to Bobby’s office to ask him about paperwork for the change of their relationship status? Is Eddie gonna break up with during shift? No. He would never do that. He’s spiraling. Again. He needs to remember to breathe. He needs to remember he’s the one doing it. In a few hours. Just a few hours.
He runs down the stairs two steps at the time and, before he even reaches the bottom, the door of Bobby’s office opens and Eddie emerges from it. Bobby is telling him something with a hand on his shoulder, but Eddie’s looking down.
Anxiety washes over him as he remembers a Christmas of not so long ago when his heart broke because Eddie’s hadn’t be his at that time, but at least he was Back’s work partner, and then he wasn’t. Even that part of Eddie didn’t belong to him anymore.
Bobby notices him first and then Eddie’s following his gaze and meeting his eyes. They are so sad, all that hazel brown so cold, like hardened wood. Buck’s missing the warm, blinding honey color. Always more bright when it met his baby blue.
Buck wonders how he got so lucky, because Eddie isn’t only one the most kind-hearted and devoted person on the planet. He’s extremely handsome, the hottest man he’s ever laid eyes on. And he loves him. Maybe loved him. But that would be enough for Buck, because being loved by Eddie Diaz, even for a short portion of time, would still be the greatest gift life decided to offer him. The sight of him every time makes his bones trembles. Ridiculous what that man is able to do to him.
Bobby waste no time in flying back upstairs, giving him an acknowledgment look.
And then they are alone.
“Hey.”
Eddie glimpses at him, but his voice comes out low and quiet. He sounds so still, so far away.
“Hey.”
His is not much better.
Buck looks around to see if someone is watching them from the railing and when he’s sure no one is being nosey, he steps closer until he can press a kiss to his cheek. They have a rule Bobby was very clear about. No PDA at work. But if Buck’s never gonna be able to share a kiss with Eddie, even the chastest one, in the place where they first met and all began, then is not gonna waste this last chance.
He holds him there for a moment, a hand on his left hip, the other ghosting over his cheek. Eddie closes his eyes and leans into it. But something is his face is hollow, fractured, inconsistent.
“You’re alright? You didn’t sleep.”
It’s not even a question. Buck knows it. Knows every shade between the sleepy Eddie, the tired from an exhausting shift Eddie, the sleep deprived forced by ordinary things like Chris being up all night due to stomach bug Eddie, and the drained Eddie, worn out because his thoughts won’t allow him to sleep.
Buck doesn’t like it at all. It smells too much like spoiled parking lot air during Christmas, tastes too much like a family dinner plus an awkward girlfriend he affirmed to love but never had, feels too much like questionable choices in a too crowded bar and weights too much like a broke down bedroom door and the harrowing fear he would never hear Eddie’s voice again.
Eddie’s voice is steady now though. “Yeah, just tough day at the center. You know.”
Buck nods and lets him go. It’s a lie.
Something happened yesterday afternoon, Buck’s sure about it. He came home late, tired out, and Buck simply knows Eddie. He could see the guilt in his tensed shoulders and his heavy posture in unsteady feet. He didn’t even bother to have dinner, just thanked him for bringing Chris to his friend’s house, kissed him goodbye and went straight to bed. Buck left two minutes after.
He dragged himself back up the stairs, collapsed on the bed, and looked up at the ceiling for an hour before deciding it couldn’t put it off anymore. The was no more time. He needed to do it tomorrow.
Buck had been thinking about this for at least two weeks, but the mere thought was already so painful he just decided to postpone, hoping everything will magically fix itself. But things just got worse when they basically stopped talking to each other for something that wasn’t Chris or work related.
He really wanted to give it a one last try yesterday. Chris was at a friend’s house for a sleepover.
Eddie told him he spent the afternoon to the LGBTQIA+ center where he volunteers, because someone was sick and they needed to fill a spot. He had stopped by the center to surprise him with his favorite coffee and cupcakes, the ones from the fancy place near the station that Eddie barely concedes to himself because they are too expensive. He wanted to reconnect, offer peace, being a good boyfriend. He really wanted to try. But then Bryan told him he didn’t came at all that day. He was probably at Javier’s. He knows the guy is having an hard time with a rough divorce and a nasty custody battle. He wasn’t play a jealousy card.
And Buck is sure Eddie would never cheat on him. Ever. But maybe he didn’t mean to and he fell for somebody else. Maybe that’s why he had been slowing pulling away for the past few weeks. Unconsciously. It would be on brand for Eddie. He realized he was in love with Buck after a while.
He’s trying to let him down easily. Still look after him. That’s gonna hurt even more.
Before he can’t say anything else the bell rings and they are off and Buck’s never been more grateful for his job.
-
The shift is busy enough. The calls are in the middle, not too much ordinary, not too much catastrophic.
They talk during shift but never about them.
After dinner, Chimney is complaining about his new English neighbors and Buck does an impression of an English accent that everyone reviews as horrible and insulting. Eddie’s beside him and teases him, saying he needs to redo it in front of Chris so they can both make fun of him. He occasionally grazes his hand on his leg. Buck doesn’t even know it’s just out habit or it’s intentional, a small act of affection. Everything feels so out of place he wants to throw up. He’s not sure how to read Eddie anymore and he always aced in that matter. That’s how bad it is.
The bell rings again.
Bobby asks him to take the lead in the next call because he’s buried in paperwork he needs to finish before the end of the shift.
The implication makes something shutter inside him. Maybe it's just his head jumping to the worst case scenario. Or maybe it’s just the fucking universe.
Being in charge during calls is something very new and very thrilling. Also very anxiety inducing, but he’s working on it. It’s a thing Bobby’s being doing often in the last few weeks in order to make Buck feel more confident in what he hopes will be his new lieutenant position. He has been giving him more responsibilities, directing a few calls, staying after shift to fill paperwork to prepare him on his new duties if he passes the exam next month.
When they arrive at the house a young woman, probably in her thirties, comes running to them, panic high in her voice, eyes rimmed red from crying.
“Oh my god, you’re here! I don’t know what I did!”
She practically throw herself at Buck, who steadies her by grabbing her arms.
“Ma’am calm down, what‘s your name?”
“Lyla.”
“Alright Lyla, can you tell me what happened?”
She nods and then guides them towards the kitchen of the house, where a man is laying against the countertop with a cloth on the left side of his face.
“I was trying not to hurt him and I did that. I disfigured him!”
“It was an accident. I told you it’s fine,” the man says grimacing.
“Chim, Eddie, you check on him while me and Hen have a talk with Lyla. Ravi, you make sure the gas is turned off.”
First thing. Make sure she’s okay and then valuate the situation in order to call for PD if necessary, it could have been intentional.
Hen starts checking the woman vitals while she keeps looking horrified at the man.
“Layla, can you tell me what happened?”
She looks at him and can see the guilt reflected in her eyes. So much of it.
“He’s my boyfriend. I-I wanted to cook him a nice dinner. You know, I wanted to let him down gently. I really didn’t want to hurt him, but we just don’t work” she sobs. “And then the stupid stove didn’t turn on and he was trying to help me and one second later a flame erupted right on his face.”
“You wanted to break up with me?” the man suddenly yells.
It’s the fucking universe indeed. He just can’t give him a break. How fucking ironic. Of all the other firehouses in LA they needed to take this call today of all days.
It reminds him about that time they had disastrous first dates calls the exact day when him and Eddie had scheduled their first date. Buck was about to call it off, but then Eddie just saw right through him and reassured him, all soft and warm and sweet, whispering into his skin that they were going to be okay.
He needs to get his shit together. He’s the lieutenant in charge here.
“Guys, how’s the situation over there?” he asks both of them, but just looks in Chimney’s direction.
“Pulse elevated. Second degree burn, skin in painful to the touch. But he’ll live,” Chimney answers him.
He looks at Hen for the status of the woman and she nods, “She’s alright.”
Before they have a chance to lift him, the man starts yelling at the woman, fists clenched and nostrils flaring, trying to escape from Chimney and Eddie’s hold.
“I can’t believe you would have done that to me. Braking up and ask me to stay friends? Over dinner? After everything I did for you! The shit I had to put up with for you! Your anxiety and your annoying parents! You’re a bitch!”
Lyla gasps while the rooms fills with “Calm down, Richard!” and “Easy.” and “Watch your tongue, man!”
Buck’s pissed now. These kind of men just disgust him.
“Guys, get him on the gurney and out of here,” he gives the order.
Eddie and Chimney position him not so gently on the gurney and leave the room.
“I screwed up so badly,” Lyla keeps crying.
“Honey, a man like that. Better lose him than being stuck with him,” Hen tells her.
“You don’t understand. We were friends before we started dating and I hoped if I was nice and gave him this last night together, it would have been easier and maybe we could’ve worked our way back to be friends again. But now I ruined everything!”
He feels dizzy all of a sudden, they air around him heavy, too heavy. It can’t enter his body, it just can’t.
“Sometimes it’s better like this. A reaction like that over a break up, he’s a red flag. What happened to him, I think karma was involved too.”
Hen keeps reassuring her and eventually asks if she wants to go check out at the hospital but she shakes her head.
Once they’re out, Buck’s sure he’s gonna throw up. This call. It’s just too close to his current situation. What if that happens to them too? What if Eddie doesn’t wanna see him again? What if he transfer station?
It’s hard to breath right now. He can manage to live without being Eddie’s boyfriend, it would be a miserable, scratched, dark gray life but it would make it. But never see Eddie again, not be in his life, not even at work, is pretty sure it could be the thing that would kill him.
“Are you all right, Lieutenant Buckley?” Ravi asks, half a grin on his face, half worry.
He doesn’t know what to say because no, it’s not fucking okay. So he goes for a “I’m not Lieutenant yet,” and then climbs on the truck.
He doesn’t even try to sleep that night. His skin is buzzing an erratic hum, is head is rushing water constantly overflowing his thoughts, and his heart aches. Aches at this emptiness not there yet, but so close to touch already.
Eddie has been awfully quite after that call. He went straight to the bunk room to hide under the sheets. His bunk is the one next to Buck’s, always has been since he joined the 118. He’s sleeping now, probably the exertion of the day took over, facing the opposite side with his back to Buck’s bed.
After they got together, when they were in the ecstatic silly honeymoon phase, they used to position themselves at the very extremity of their beds, almost falling down, stretch their arms until their fingers brushed, interlock them and then play with their hands until one of them lulled to sleep.
He misses that period. Always blushing and giggling and being all cute and disgustingly happy. Everything felt so new, so fresh, so right. Then came the established phase, more mature and domestic, full of promises and whispers of the future. Until they started to drift apart like they fell in love: slowly, without even realizing it, pulled apart by the same tide that brought them together.
All that colorful canvas of their firsts, that melted into a comfortable pastel palette had ended up in a grained undefined black and white mess.
He eventually decides to go upstairs, because even staring at Eddie’s back steadily rising and falling has become painful.
He tries to read something, but he’s feeling too unsettled, his concentration span is drastically low, and considers cooking but Bobby would probably kill him if he cooks something at this hour without his supervision.
He ends us making a cup of tea.
He’s pouring hot water in his cup when he hears footsteps coming from the stairs.
Not Eddie. Not Eddie. Not Eddie. Please.
“Hey, couldn’t sleep?” Of course, it’s Eddie.
“Not tired,” he simply replies and takes an embarrassing amount of time getting rid of his teabag before turning around.
Eddie’s hair are messy and fluffy in the way it become after part of the product he uses to style it get smeared on the pillow. He yawns and looks adorably sleepy and Buck needs to put his hands around the mug and press tight onto it to avoid doing something stupid like grab Eddie by his arms and never let him go.
What is he doing here? He came specifically searching for Buck or it’s just a coincidence cause he wanted something to drink?
“I made tea, the water is still hot. Ehm, can I pour you a cup?”
Eddie just shakes his head and steps closer, impossibly closer, until they are facing each other and he reaches behind Buck to pour himself a glass of water.
“Just thirsty, you know.”
He remains there and Buck almost blushes. It’s not like they haven’t been being intimate during these past weeks, definitely the opposite. It’s just the casual intimacy, the result of years of building up and an overgrowing comfort around each other, that makes his pulse stutter a bit. Because Eddie hasn’t feel this close to him in a while.
“Come here,” Eddie whispers, and if he wasn’t paying attention he would have missed it.
Eddie wraps his arms around him and it’s the sweetest and softest thing they’ve done in a while. He hesitates for a split second before wrapping his arms around Eddie’s middle. They haven’t done something as simple as hugging in a very long time and Buck aches, because it’s the last time he gets to hug Eddie like this, unguarded, letting all go, melting completely into it.
Tears prickle in his eyes at how unfair all of this is. Why him and Eddie can just be happy together? Why they don’t work? Why can’t he be happy? Why can’t he have all he’s ever wanted not even when he’s found it?
They stay like that for a while, just holding each other, until Eddie kisses the underside of his jaw and untangles his arms.
“I’m gonna go back to sleep. You coming?”
Buck almost trembles for how much he’s holding back. How much he wants. He wants so deeply to curl around Eddie and being held by his strong arms, smell the notes of his aftershave and bury his nose in his soft hair.
They technically can’t do that, sleep in the same bed during a shift, against the PDA rule, but occasionally, after a particular tough call or shift, Bobby just looks the other way.
But he knows, if he let himself hold right now, he will never be able to let go.
“I have to finish the report of today’s call.”
Eddie’s face is warm and soft and he feels so the old, in touched, so naturally-in-sync-with- him Eddie. Hopes threatens to bloom in his chest but he’s quick to shut it down. It’s late, his guard is down, it’s just one night. All their problems will still be there tomorrow with all the consequences they’ll bring over time.
He heads for the stairs, but Buck can’t stop himself.
“Eds?”
He turns around.
“Yes?”
He needs to say it. One last time.
“I love you.”
Eddie’s expression shifts from something he can’t quite read to a smile, a real smile. The smile. At least Buck can have this, can remember Eddie’s smile the last time he told him he loved him.
Buck’s gonna repeat it like a litany for a long time even if Eddie’s never gonna be able to hear it again. It’s gonna be stashed in the red lines between his ribs and his heart.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
“I love you too.” Crinkles in the corners of his ayes, lips slightly upturned, eyes pools of molten honey. Beautiful. Breathtaking. Just Buck’s. “Night, cariño.”
He’s never gonna be able to see the shape Eddie’s lips make around the words and the way his voice sounds before landing on his heart.
“Night,” he says it back, but Eddie’s already out of sight.
-
They have a couple of minor calls during the first hours of the day and before he knew it, the shift’s over.
He stops by Bobby’s office to hand him the report of the break up call. He’s been up all night filling it, because it was just hard to put it down and not start panicking at the similarities with his personal life.
Bobby asks him if everything is alright, and he tries his best to sound convincing when he answers that is fine, never been better. He knows. Eddie must have talked to him. He was right.
Before he get questioned again, he flees the room and almost trips into Ravi who’s on his way out of the locker room.
He goes straight for his locker, Eddie’s finishing buttoning up his shirt.
First step. Here we go.
“Hey, can we talk after shift?”
Eddie looks at him, and the tight line in his forehead slowly fades. He smiles, it’s a faint, barely there thing. But it’s just for Buck. Maybe this is gonna be the last just for Buck smile.
“Of course, I wanted to talk to you too. See you at home?”
He kisses his cheek and heads out. Maybe he should just let Eddie do it. Break up with him. What else could he possibly want to talk about?
He takes the crowded highway he usually tends to avoid because he’s packed with traffic at this hour of the day and takes the long way home. Not home. Not anymore. Eddie’s house.
It still doesn’t seem enough.
He’s prepared a speech. Written in the notes of his phone late last night, with Eddie just few rooms away, because he needs to sound convincing. He rehearsed it into the bathroom of the firehouse for at least an hour. It’s kinda pathetic, but it can’t just sit there and improvise. He’s never gonna sound believable and he would never explain himself properly.
He needs to say things straight. A clean break. Without his emotions and stuttering voice threatening to crack into the thick wall of lies he build as an armor to his heart, without Eddie being able to breach it by a simple act like looking him earnestly in the eye.
Eddie’s truck is in the driveway.
He drags himself from his jeep to the door and opens it his key. Is he still gonna have a key in an hour?
“I’m home.”
He needs to unlearn say shit like that. An hour, maybe less, depends, and the stupid loft will claim to be his home again.
He founds Eddie in the kitchen, unpacking takeaway breakfast on the table set up unusually nice.
I wanted to cook him a nice dinner. You know, I wanted to let him down gently. I really didn’t want to hurt him, but we just don’t work.
Fuck. No. No. No.
He tastes bile on his tongue. His head is suddenly empty, light, too light. Where the fuck did that speech go? There’s something wrong with his ears too, because all that comes in is a disturbing buzzing.
“What’s the occasion?” he asks, hoping his voice doesn’t sound as wrecked as he’s feeling.
“Just wanted to make something nice for my boyfriend.”
The word nice hunts him after that call, but Eddie stills smiles, unwrapping Buck’s favorite vegan croissants. Everything is so inconsistent.
He goes for a joke, not trusting himself to do say anything serious, anything important right now.
“Eds, you didn’t make anything.”
Eddie rolls his eyes in the affectionate way of his. “Excuse me? I drove to the store and you know I hate driving at this hour of the day.”
“You hate driving period.”
“True, in fact why did you me let drive to work yesterday? Why didn’t you stay last night?”
He tilts his head in his direction, and the levity of the conversation, the light-hearted teasing is gone.
There’s something in him that wants to actually fight with Eddie, argue and scream, maybe spit all of that out could solve all the problems neither of them is brave enough to acknowledge out loud yet.
He decides against it.
“You clearly weren’t feeling well, I thought you wanted to be alone.” He’s neutral. Not snappy, not angry, just stating a fact.
But Eddie’s reaches for him again. Pinches his side before going back to set the cups of coffee on the table.
“Never alone without you.”
Buck feels his eyes stinging, because Eddie has no right to say shit like that when he’s trying to do what’s best for them both.
Maybe Eddie doesn’t want to break up right know. He wouldn’t have said it if he did, but in weeks, months, years if he wants to be optimistic, he’s gonna end up hating Buck, all his needs, all his whines, all his broken shards that always threaten to fall and ruin the closest rug.
He steps on the sink to wash his hands just to do something. He needs to recollect himself. He needs to remember to breath. He needs to remember that stupid speech.
He doesn’t know if Eddie simply ignores the signs or can’t read Buck anymore, can’t see how on edge he is, because he feels the weight of his body against his back, his arms wrapping around his waist, his mouth leaving light kisses on the back of his neck, on his jawbone.
“You smell good.”
“Can’t say the same for you.”
Eddie pinches his side again. “Hey. That’s my line.”
Buck chuckles at that.
“What take you so long? You’re usually here way before me when we’re not carpooling,” Eddie asks against the skin of his shoulder.
“Bobby needed a few clarifications on the report I’ve handed him.”
The perfect believable excuse.
“I’m sure you did an excellent job,” Eddie replies before manhandling him until he’s completed turned, their chest pressed together. He gently strokes his cheek, tilts his head up.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
And then Eddie kisses him, slow, reverent, gentle. Always so gentle.
“I missed you all shift,” Eddie presses the words right below his earlobe and Buck is a weak man because he shivers.
I’ll miss you all my life.
“Babe, I was right there.”
He’s found this to be the best technique to fight the churning of his insides: making stupid humorless jokes.
“Were you?” Eddie asks looking at him, and his tone is questioning, like there’s so much more behind the words.
Buck wants to snort, ‘cause if one of them is never really here but always somewhere else lately, that’s Eddie.
“I-can we talk?”
“Of course.”
Eddie still smiles and then leans to kiss him again. All that liquid sirup starts to descend in the vertebras of his spine, ignite them one at the time, producing heat that goes straight to his blood. Eddie licks at the seams of his mouth and Buck tries to moan but Eddie’s quick to swallow it. His hands are a warm brand against his abdomen and Buck’s pulling at Eddie’s hair, his back digging into the sink. Eddie attaches his neck leaving open mouth kisses and Buck tilts his head to give him more room.
It’s so easy, to get lost in Eddie’s kisses, into his tanned skin, in his blazing touch. He feels it. That inconsistency shifting, turning his way into the comfortable embrace of Eddie’s and their love and maybe he doesn’t really have to do this. Ruin them. Time could fix things, maybe he should just let Eddie take him to bed and ravish him, take him apart and put him back together. They could reconnect. They always manage to reconnect when they have sex. A small voice whispers to him that it’s definitely not healthy, especially with his history. But he shuts it down.
Is this gonna be the last time he gets to do this? To have this? Just the thought of kissing Eddie for the last time makes something break against his ribs.
He needs to stop right now or he’ll never be able to do it.
He gently pushes at Eddie’s chest.
They are both panting. Eddie’s face is flushed and his lips are swollen and spit-slicked. His eyes, that beautiful warm brown, burning with desire, the pupils blown wide. He’s gonna miss all of this.
Buck kisses him one more time, one last kiss, and tries to pour in it all of his gratitude, his devotion, his love for this incredible man and hopes that a ghost of it will stain Eddie’s lips forever, living an imprint. That whoever get to kiss Eddie next will pail at the first touch of skin on skin because nobody ever will love Eddie Diaz like Evan Buckley did.
Thank you for loving me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a mess. I’m sorry because I’m too much. I’m sorry because you deserve better. I’m sorry to hurt you. I love you. I’m in love with you. I will love you forever.
He pulls back.
“Sorry. Can we talk?”
“Don’t you want to eat first?”
Eddie’s caressing his side, he doesn’t want to let him go and Buck feels his muscles strain with the effort to put even the smallest amount of distance between them.
He shakes his head.
Eddie slowly lets go of his waist, interlocks their fingers together and tugs at them. Buck’s not sure how he made until that moment without bursting into tears.
“Alright. Couch?”
If that isn’t ironic. All started in Eddie’s couch and all will end on it as well.
They sit so close, pressed together from legs to shoulder as always, and Eddie is still holding his hand, playing with his fingers, probably trying to recollect his thoughts.
“I-“
“We-“
They both chuckle, but it’s cracked, not entirely sincere. The room is still, gravity seems frozen and the air feels unpleasantly charged.
“You first,” Eddie says.
Fuck. He’s really doing this.
He remembers thinking the exact same thing that night, when they were cuddled together on the couch, and Eddie confessed first and sealed his words with the most right first kiss Buck had ever experienced. The night Eddie chose him. Buck thinks it is a little unfair to do this, because when Eddie chose him, he put so much trust in Buck, in them, in their love and now Buck’s the one ripping that same choice away from him. Choosing for both of them. He hasn’t been in therapy for a while but Dr. Copeland definitely would call that a step back. Dr. Copeland would have a lot to say of this current situation, actually.
Still, it is for the best in the long run.
A deep breath. In and out. Eyes closed but just for a moment.
“The last few weeks have been different and I think you noticed that too.”
“Yeah,” Eddie agrees, but his eyes are focused on their joined hands.
“I think we’re on that phase of relationships when people decide how to move forward or if they want to move forward at all.”
Eddie’s eyes snap back at him and fuck, the hurt reflected in them takes so much space, it almost knocks the air out of his lungs.
He swallows and looks away. The plan was to maintain eye contact, because Eddie deserves it and because he knows him so well he would catch on the lie. But he can see that. Can’t witness how he’s the one doing this to Eddie. To hurt him.
Another deep breath.
“You know, I’ve been thinking and these past few weeks we kinda drifted apart. It’s nobody’s fault, alright? It’s just the way things happen, they way they evolve. And I always thought I would miss you like crazy.”
A pause. A breath. He can do it.
“But the truth is that I didn’t. Not like I was expecting, and he got me thinking about this. About us. I want to be honest with you, because forcing things wouldn’t be fair to neither of us and would never work. Never did in the past.”
Not even his lieutenant speech will be this good. A perfect crafted speech written in black characters on shiny paper, the one politicians are so used to. He sounds like one of the Wikipedia pages he likes so much to read. Like bad writing on your favorite tv show.
“Forcing things?”
Eddie’s voice is barely a whisper and he’s not looking at him anymore. But the hurt is so real, so raw, loud enough to haunt the silence of Buck’s walls in his empty, stupid and still-his-for-a-year loft.
“I think we should take a break. Take some time and see if we actually miss each other as, you know, romantic partners.”
Eddie untangles their hands and finally looks at him. All that hurts has shifted to the corner of his eyes and has been eaten alive by anger.
“Is this the Evan Buckley way of breaking up? Letting me down easily or something like that? Because it’s what? More honorable?” His voice is ice cold.
“I-“
“Just say it, Buck. Me and you, we are not the taking a break kind of couple. And we both don’t believe in it.”
He doesn’t know what to say. Because he thought Eddie would be hurt at first, but then relived or would simply agree with him. But this. This is too close to that stupid call they had and Eddie’s gonna hate him and he’s gonna transfer station and never make him see Christopher again.
“Eds-” it almost comes out as a sob.
“Just say it!” he snaps.
Wow. He did that to Eddie again. The hunger is a mirror to the one of all those years ago. It feels too much like grocery store and being accused of being an absent father in front of all their friends, being called exhausted. Eddie hates him. It’s not even a question anymore.
He looks down. His vision starts blurring. How could he think he would manage to do this without breaking?
“I-I think we should break up,” he says so quietly.
Eddie gives a humourless laugh before standing up, a hand running through his hair.
“Where is this coming from? Yeah, the past few weeks have been hard, but we’ve been busy. I’ve had my head full with helping at the center and you’re studying for your lieutenant exam. But it won’t be like that forever. And honestly Buck, it didn’t seem like you never missed me. The other night? It felt everything but that. And I know I missed you.”
He’s talking about the last time they had sex, it was so intense and incandescent, borderline magical. Kinda broken too, because Buck knew it could be their last time and he thought Eddie realized that too.
I know I missed you. A tear slips from his eyes, he’s crumbling.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Ed-Eddie please, this is not easy for me either,” he can’t even say his full name before breaking.
“Bullshit. You can’t even look at me. What the fuck is going on?” his voice is raising and he’s pacing frantically, like he’s not entirely in control oh his body.
“I already told you. I-I thought-”
“Be fucking honest! I know you! You’re holding back tears, you are shaking but you didn’t stutter once during that stupid speech you gave me. You always do it when you’re too wrapped up in your emotions. I love that about you, how genuine, unfiltered, so open your heart his. But that,” he gestures to him “that was rehearsed. It wasn’t even felt. You were repeating a fucking poem!”
Buck can’t just be here anymore. He fucked up. Eddie’s not believing him and he doesn’t know what to do, but if the stays he’s gonna tell him the truth and Eddie will feel pity, stick it out, ending up hating him and leaving him.
He’s running for the door but Eddie’s right back behind him.
“You just don’t want to listen! I told you. I’m sorry, alright? I wish I could fix it but I can’t, because it isn’t something you-you-” tears stream on his cheeks and a sob escapes his mouth.
Eddie is still behind him and before he can even understand what’s happening he’s placing a hand around his forearm and tenderly turning him. All that anger dissolves leaving hurt and concern in that beautiful golden irises. He cups Buck’s face so gently, he almost feels his limbs melt on the spot. He deserve Eddie’s anger, but he doesn’t deserve his worry.
With his thump he swipes the tears away. Leaves a father light kiss on his cheek, on his jaw, on the top of his nose, on his birthmark, and then the one that makes something shutter inside of him, the kiss on his forehead. He stays there, connects their foreheads. They are sharing the same little cube of air.
Why he’s not moving. Why’s not pushing him away. Why’s his feet seem covered in steel.
Eddie breaths, his eyes are closed, his voice is breaking around the sound of his real name and Buck really doesn’t know how he’s still standing.
“Evan I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled, you just caught me by surprise. I’m so sorry. Whatever happened, we’ll fix it together. Whatever is bothering you, whatever reason you could possibly have to said all of that, we can work on it together. As a team, okay? Just talk to me. Open up, be yourself. And I’ll be here to listen. I’m always listening.”
He almost does. He almost cracks. It would be so easy. Maybe Eddie really won’t leave him after all. If there’s someone who could bear him, that’s Eddie. He would to that for Buck, even if their relationship would end up being all splintered edges and forced words.
Oh my God. No. No. No.
He can’t do that to Eddie and he can’t let himself hope it would be any different.
They could still mend their friendship in a way, Eddie will forgive him with time and see that it was for the best in the long run. Even if Eddie doesn’t want to break up with him right now, it will eventually. It’s just a matter of time. Or he’ll force himself into their relationship until he’s gonna have panic attacks about it again. He’s not gonna be the thing that ruins Eddie again, not after all the effort he made to get better for himself. Ever.
So he gently removes Eddie’s hands from his face and takes a step back. He can’t make himself look at him. It’s so painful.
“I’m sorry. It’s on me. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
He sees the outline of Eddie’s head shaking no, “Buck, please stop.”
“You, stop! Accept it!” he snaps, “We didn’t work. It pains me, because I thought me and you was all I ever wanted, I thought we were forever. But it’s not. We’re not, Eddie. I’m sorry.”
He tries to leave again, almost reaches the door handle, but Eddie puts himself between him and the door.
“Look at me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me anymore and I’ll let you go.”
He’s never gonna be able to do it, look in Eddie’s soft, earnest gaze, so full of love, love for Buck, and deny his feelings to him. Every lie will spill into the floor along the blood pouring from his hardened wounds. Wounds that shouldn’t be Eddie’s burden anymore.
And that’s why Eddie played that overused cliché movie card. Because as much as Buck can discern all the single grains and threads that tailor Eddie, Eddie is the only one who can see right trough the splash of colors Buck’s so used to put on disguise, the only one who can expose the hidden shades, the pale and dark ones he hates so much to show.
He takes a moment to collect himself. He applies the technique he always put in practice at work, when he needs to get his job done, but something horrible or triggering has just happened. Maybe he could use his way around words.
One deep breath. Focus on one task at the time. Think it will be over soon.
He breathes. Braces himself. Looks right into his eyes. The desperation that clouds them almost makes him falter again.
“Of course I love you. I will always love you.”
I love you. I’m in love with you. Forever.
In a minute it will be over. Just one more minute and the work’s done.
“But I’m not in love with you anymore.”
He’s never gonna forget this moment. The moment the reality of what he has just done washed over him. The instant his eyes witnessed the already barely there bright color draining completely from Eddie’s eyes, the brown fading to almost stale black. The way his eyes gleamed because of fresh tears. The way his muscles frantically began to work against them, because Buck had suddenly became someone he was not comfortable crying around anymore. The quiver in his mouth, the gaze forced away from his, like it burned, like Buck was shooting him all over again.The way his faces crumbled against a set of so many emotions in such a short fragment of time. He’s never gonna forgive himself for being the cause that brought so much pain in Eddie.
Eddie doesn’t said anything else. He steps away from the door and opens it, still not looking at him, and Buck leaves.
He turns on the engine of his jeep and drives.
He doesn’t make past few blocks before his vision is completely blurred and tears are so strong, so unwavering and uncontrolled he needs to stop the car.
This ache seems to crush into every molecule of love he has for Eddie, cling into into it, mark it, so it be able to live in Buck forever but it will always be stained by the agonizing pain it caused. Like a reminder.
He rubs the tears away roughly, because he needs the contrast to be utterly sharp, or he will be hunted by the memory of Eddie’s reverent touch swiping them away forever.
He gets back to the loft an hour later and goes straight to bed turning is phone off and tries to sleep.
He doesn’t even know how much time has passed, how many times he’s turned into the sheets, but eventually he feels his eyelids heavier.
One last thought before the darkness swallows the space around him. Eddie, I’m sorry.
-
When he wakes up the room is dark, it’s past dinner time and he screwed up his sleeping schedule. Fucking great.
He should eat something but his fridge his empty because he barely eats at home. Well, that’s about to change.
He could order something but he’s pretty sure he’ll throw up so he rummages through his pantry until he finds a bottle of vodka stored for special occasions. Well, breaking up with the love of you life is a pretty special occasion.
He turns his phone on and there are no texts from Eddie. What the fuck was he expecting? There’re few from the 118 group chat and Maddie but ignores them both.
And then he sees the one from Chris.
Dad is sad. He’s been in his room all day. Did you two have a fight?
He doesn’t know what to say. He should text Eddie, follow his lead but he doesn’t think he could go to his text section, see the last message he send him before all of this mess and not break down again.
Kind of. It’s complicated Chris, we’ll explain it to you
Are you still coming Friday for movie night?
Fuck. He didn’t think about that. Movie night is their thing. Just the three of them. He was once a week before Chris decided he was too cool to spend an entire evening with them every week. Now it’s twice a month.
Is Eddie gonna let him see Chris again like that? I mean they had the conversation you are his dad when they got together, but neither of them could have excepted this. He would only be fair if Eddie didn’t want him near Chris anymore.
I don’t know buddy, I’ll talk to you dad tomorrow
Fine. Good night Buck
Night Chris
He’s about to start crying again so he takes the bottle of vodka upstairs and sit on the bed, sipping it slowly. He wants to feel every time the liquid burns his throat, every time the sting hits his taste buds.
The loft is so still, disgustingly unscathed by all of that happened. The ceiling is spinning because he’s so used to drink just beer, the bed is cold and the walls, the walls are screaming so loud into the night. They have the sound of Eddie’s broken voice.
Buck had break ups in the past, some harder than others, some were blurred sliding doors of an LA airport, some were so faint, whited by the siring pain on his crushed leg, some were a breath of fresh air after a year of numbness and bad choices.
But Eddie. Breaking up with Eddie feels like living without a permanent broken limb. He knew he would never get rid of it. This pain. This ache. The lost possibilities. The shattered dreams. The what ifs. What could have happened if he wasn’t so fucked up, if he just talked to him, if his mind wouldn’t brace for the impact every time something felt off. There’s no going back from Eddie Diaz.
He said to him that he stopped missing him when the reality was that Buck missed Eddie even when they were spending time together, because it was never enough, he wanted their bones sewn together, Eddie’s air to be his air, their blood always rushing in the same direction like twin currents.
But Buck is too much to handle and Eddie handled and took care of him for a long time, always soothing his bruises and balming his wounds. He wanted to stay that way more than anything.
But he also wanted to remember Eddie’s love for him like that, like he’s just enough. And that would have soon changed, was already changing, so he needed to do it. Because the thought that Eddie would leave him one day is so devastating. He survived terrible parents, truck bombing, pulmonary embolism, tsunami and fucking lighting strikes. But he knew he wouldn’t survive Eddie leaving him. He wouldn’t survive witness Eddie’s love for him drain because he was asking for too much.
It’s ironic, how Buck, who always saw recklessness as his longest life companion, has always been such a coward when it come to his feelings for Eddie.
He had spent years loving him from afar, always in the shadows, yearning and longing, hoping the next step they would make under the kitchen light would be the one headed in the right direction, and he’s not sure he would have confessed if Eddie hadn’t done it first.
He should be reckless, jump, dive right into it, maybe crush but trust the process it would lend on his feet. Because with Eddie everything is better and even that recklessness would be special. Maybe it’s not worthy in the job, not anymore. But risk everything for Eddie, there’s not a single day when that wouldn’t be right.
But the truth is Buck never been more scared of something than his feelings for Eddie.
Because they are so all-encompassing the layers between them have disappeared. They have power. So much power over Buck. A power that nothing in his life ever had and it terrifies him, it terrifies to get lost in them, to hope too much, to believe he can actually have something this magical for himself, the big one true love, a family. So he can’t be reckless or he’ll wind up killed.
He can settle, though. Buck’s knows with time Eddie will understand and come to his same conclusion. He can go back to be Eddie’s best friend. Chris’ coparent. It would be enough. He’s not gonna live anymore with the fear that Eddie will stop loving him, that he will be the one to ruin their relationship forever, that Eddie will leave him.
He gets his headphones before his mind will snap in half with all his thoughts blended into regrets and self-loathe and presses play to the most depressing playlist on his Spotify.
The notes of “The Last Great American Dynasty” to fill his hears and if the fucking universe isn’t playing with him.
As soon as he hears “she had a marvelous time ruining everything” he starts laughing hysterically, half drunk already. Pretty on brand since he managed to destroy the greatest relationship he’s ever had just because he is fucked up.
He starts crying again and getting frustrated with himself because he’s behaving like a whiny child.
He’s the one who did the breaking. The break up. Eddie’s heart. His own. For someone who always wants to fix things, Buck’s so good at breaking them.