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Atsushi finds him on the roof. A pair of shoes are lined up perfectly at the ledge, but the man himself is just sitting there. He doesn't look like he has the intention to jump; not anymore, at least.
"Dazai-san."
There's no answer, because Dazai decides that there doesn't need to be one.
"What's going on?"
Again, Dazai doesn't deem anything he could give as appropriate enough an answer to Atsushi's question. He doesn't turn, he stares blankly over Yokohama.
Atsushi sits beside him.
Dazai blinks slowly. He sighs. Then, he leans back and lays down on the flat of the roof. Atsushi, after a moment of consideration, copies him.
Eventually, staring up at the night sky, Dazai tries to speak.
"There’s..."
His voice is distant, and when Dazai trails off, Atsushi rolls his head to look at him. Laying on the concrete, beneath the stars, his expression is the same as Dazai's. Unsure. Thoughtful, and hesitant. He's waiting. So is Dazai.
They both wait for the same answer.
Eventually, he picks back up. "There’s an empty space."
His voice is quiet and even. He sounds sure of himself despite looking otherwise, eyes set on the stars above him.
Atsushi waits for some explanation, and is met with silence. "Like what?" he asks, just as quietly.
Dazai turns to him, finally. "What?"
"Like what? Atsushi repeats. "What’s missing?" For a moment, Dazai just looks blankly, like he doesn't understand. So Atsushi rephrases. "If it feels like an empty space, what's missing? Tell me what's missing."
A few seconds pass before Dazai just rolls his head back up to the sky. "I don't know," he admits. "I don't feel like anything missing. It just feels empty. I don't feel human."
"Nothing? It just feels like nothing?" Atsushi asks. Dazai doesn’t respond. A few more seconds go on, and Atsushi frowns. "So that's what it's like...? Not... no bad emotions, just nothingness?" he asks.
"Sorry," Dazai apologies, voice growing even softer, and an even softer smile ghosting his lips. There might even be something behind it. Something close to regret. "I don't have good answers." He waits. "I shouldn’t- this shouldn’t be... it's not your deal, Atsushi-kun."
Atsushi pauses. "What do you mean?" he asks, understanding perfectly what his mentor means.
Again, Dazai looks over, dropping his thoughtful expression into one of remorse. "You’re a kid."
The protest.
"I'm eighteen!"
Dazai grunts.
"...You were a kid once," Atsushi decides to remind him.
Dazai scoffs- a grin tugging at the corner of his lips. He wasn't sure he believed that.
The outward act makes Atsushi want to smile too. But he can only manage a bit less than what Dazai gives.
"I'm twenty-two, now."
"That’s not old," Atsushi says.
Dazai hums slightly. "But you're a kid."
Quickly, Atsushi furrows his eyebrows and props himself up on his elbows, looking down. "Huh?"
Dazai's grin grows slightly, and something fills his eyes. For a fleeting moment, they look alive. "You're like, twelve, aren’t you?"
Atsushi scoffs, though he struggles to feel properly offended. Really, it's the first time in days that Dazai's sounded like that. Amused.
Regardless, Atsushi shoves his hand against Dazai's face. He lets it happen. "I just told you, I'm almost nineteen, Dazai-san. I'm not that much younger than you."
Dazai sits up, brushing Atsushi's hand away. "And I’m almost twenty-three. That's a real adult age."
Atsushi pushes himself up fully, sitting the way Dazai is. "My point is, you're still young."
Dazai rolls his eyes, but he's smiling. And even as he looks back at the stars, he looks at them with the amusement he had looking at Atsushi. Maybe... maybe... just a bit of wonder, too.
Quiet, nervous chuckles from Atsushi's end fall into the sounds of the night again, and slowly, Dazai's smile fades. But the look in his eyes persist.
Atsushi can't help but stare for a moment. Or two. Or even longer. His own smile dips.
(Let me help you.)
(Let me do something.)
(You saved me. Why can't I save you?)
He nudges Dazai's shoulder eventually. Dazai looks at him.
"Is it empty?" Atsushi asks, bringing his tone down to how it had been before. "Is it still empty?"
Dazai takes a second, then looks almost heartbroken. "That isn't a thing you have to fix, Atsushi-kun."
"I know," he says. "But is it empty now?"
Dazai waits. When his eyes fall, so do Atsushi's. Something rings out in his heart and spoils in his gut, only growing as silence remains.
Eventually, Dazai sighs, looking to the ground, almost guiltily.
There's a moment of contemplation before Atsushi leans on Dazai, head sinking onto his shoulder. "That’s ok," he says blankly. "That’s ok. It's ok."
"Hey-" Dazai starts, but Atsushi shushes him before Dazai can continue. The rest of his sentence leaves in a low breath.
"It's- it's ok, Dazai-san," Atsushi reassures. "Cause if it's not something missing, I can’t replace it. I just- I just-"
(I just don’t know what to do.)
He waits. And so does Dazai. They both wait for the same answer.
"Sorry," Dazai responds.
"I'll just stay here," Atsushi decides. He waits for some response. "I don't know. I'll stay here and make sure... I don’t know, just... make sure." Another pause. Dazai knew exactly what he was worried could happen, and regrettably, he couldn't deny that he was thinking about it. "For however long I need to. I know...I know I’m young, and stupid- I know you’re gonna say it's not my job, but that's ok."
"It's not a job, really. It's just a thing. It's like..." He pauses, trying to think of something to compare.
It's like upkeep? Or guarding? He's guarding Dazai from something? Protecting him?
...
"It's like love," Atsushi decides on. "Just like love, you're like... my family. I'll just stay here."
Five seconds pass. No one moves. No one breathes. For a moment, Atsushi's heart spikes. "Is that ok?" he asks, bringing his voice to almost a whisper. "Is that ok if I do that?"
There's a wait. A long one. Or one that only feels long. Until Dazai cracks his own whisper. "That's so cheesy..."
His answer dips and breaks, and Atsushi isn't quite sure how it survived at all, but he couldn’t be happier that it did. He lets out a soft laugh.
"I know. But it's true."
There's another pause, one where Atsushi can feel the tension lifting.
Dazai leans his head onto Atsushi's. "...Okay, yeah," he agrees. "Yeah, you can stay."
There's a second. "Good," Atsushi replies.
Then, nothing else. And the night goes on.