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Everything had been completely fine before all of this. Jonathan had always known who he was. Some people just weren’t meant to be love interests and Jonathan had always figured he happened to be one of them. While the thought of living his life alone depressed him, it was also something he had learned to accept, much like how he had learned to accept that he would have to take his medication every day and wear glasses to see anything.
Last night’s party changed that. It was a party that he wasn’t even planning on going to until Harley dragged him along, because he never would have gone to it on his own accord. After an entire night of tossing and turning, he really almost wished he hadn’t.
Thoughts and feelings he hadn’t felt before were crawling out of the woodwork and he had to admit, he wished they had stayed buried. On nights such as these for example, nights that he would have otherwise slept through, Jonathan was instead forced to lie awake staring into the darkness of his little room while listening to the pervasive sound of the ticking clock. He sat idly by as his entire body jittered with nerves and his brain decided pick apart absolutely everything that had happened for the billionth time since yesterday.
He couldn’t deny it and it wasn’t a feeling he was expecting, but the thought of going to work tomorrow and seeing Dick again absolutely terrified him.
Dick, who hadn’t even been on his radar two days ago because Jonathan had written him off as straight and way out of his league, the latter of which he still was, Jonathan reminded himself. Dick, who had smiled at him like he meant it and who had sent Jonathan into a tizzy after one simple little comment.
“Maybe you can tell me more about Georgia next time.”
Jonathan mouthed it quietly without thinking. He had already picked the comment apart half a dozen times. But for some reason he felt the need to do it yet again, because his brain had recently decided that it wanted to be a merry go round.
For one thing, Dick’s comment implied there would actually be a next time. It also implied that Dick wanted to hear more of what Jonathan had to say, as it was something that he said to Jonathan specifically, not Pam or Harley. Jonathan kept wondering if he had maybe imagined the whole thing, or embellished it. He also considered the very likely possibility that he was so starved for possible romantic attention that he had completely misinterpreted a platonic exchange as something way more than it was
He really hoped he hadn’t. He allowed himself the indulgence of thinking about how soft Dick’s hair looked, the way it fell in his face with the same charming carelessness that had made Dick so appealing in the first place. He fondly remembered how tall and stately Dick looked in his suit, how broad his shoulders were and how Jonathan had to tilt his head up to even look at him. The thought flickered across his mind about how he would’ve liked to do more than just look and before he even finished thinking it, embarrassment set in. Jonathan made a small sound and buried his face in the pillow in shame.
He had to stop. This was stupid. He was being irrational and childish and he wasn’t usually like this. He was irritated that he was still awake and that he was so anxious over nothing. A guy was nice to him. Big deal. He was also a little disturbed about how all of his carefully cultivated coping mechanisms for these kinds of Bad Brain Days had gone out the window along with his dignity. Jonathan was better than this and unsettled by the fact that something so small had affected him so much.
But it wasn’t Dick’s fault that all it took was one conversation before Jonathan’s brain ran off to the land of what if’s and possibilities, all of which were sickeningly and uncharacteristically hopeful. Jonathan knew how bad of an idea it was to get his hopes up, but the other side of him just wanted to hope.
And how he hoped. The memory of Dick’s smile kept flashing through his mind to the point where it was maddening. Jonathan rolled over yet again and flung his arm across his forehead. His heart hammered in his chest at the thought of something actually happening with Dick. He was scared of things not working and even a little more scared of things working. The territory was unfamiliar; it wasn’t as if Jonathan would have known what to do anyway, even if Dick wanted to be with him. Jonathan was also willing to bet that his complete lack of experience was a huge red flag for someone his age, something that Dick would find weird and a hassle, on top of Jonathan’s other little oddities. Jonathan suddenly wasn’t sure if anyone would find him worth the weight of his baggage, let alone someone like Dick.
Jonathan didn’t like where his thoughts were going, so he tried to stop. Looking for a quick distraction he opened up his phone, squinting at the light and at how the screen mostly looked like a giant blur without his glasses on. His shaking thumb hovered over what he thought was Harley’s name, and he considered sending her a pile of texts before he decided against it. Part of the reason was that he was too lazy to reach for his glasses and that texting Harley blind had never gone well. He also didn’t want to risk waking her and Pam up. He turned his phone screen off again and stuck it face down under his pillow. The other part of the reason was that didn’t want to let Harley know what a tremendous goober he was being over this.
For lack of anything better, Jonathan mentally recited psychology facts from class to himself to calm himself down and ran theories through his head. He breathed, slowly, methodically, until his thoughts slowed down enough to become aware of how utterly exhausted he was. He curled up in his blankets, staring blankly at nothing in particular. He found himself wanting to go back to his usual state of no romantic prospects. It was familiar, and it was a state in which he didn’t have to worry because there wasn’t any chance to begin with. Jonathan closed his eyes. It was safe.
Jonathan knew he didn’t want to be alone forever. But maybe it would just have been easier for him to back off and not bother. He had lived his entire life alone, and he had been doing just fine, after all. Hadn’t he?
Two days ago he might have been able to answer. But now, Jonathan wasn’t so sure anymore.