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The moon had never seemed so bright.
The light felt fake. It bounced off the shingles of the roof of the base, and it lit up the sky like a painting. It felt empty.
It felt the world around you could disappear at any second, leaving you in a dark abyss of nothing. You longed for the darkness of that void, maybe that way you could shake this feeling of being hollow.
It was too bright to be three in the morning. You figured it was because of the moon's luminescence and how it illuminated the trees around the base.
You wished it was dark. It was never really dark out, not here at least.
You took a drag of your cigarette, blowing out a cloud of gray smoke. You could feel the nicotine fill your lungs. It tasted horrible. You weren't really one for smoking, not like Spy was. You only really did it when you had trouble sleeping. You would climb onto the roof of the dull building with a pack of cigarettes in hand, lay on your back, and look at the sky.
Tonight was different though. Usually it only took about an hour and a half to wear you out. Tonight, it was taking much longer. Maybe it was the heat of the day's battle that got you all worked up.
You knew it was something much different.
You had always struggled with derealization, you didn’t know the reason why. Something traumatic in your childhood, maybe? If that was the case, then you couldn’t remember what happened.
It got worse when you became a mercenary. The sight of your foe’s pale, cold dead body always set you off. Everything felt unreal. Everything you touched felt staticy, like your entire body fell asleep and was trying to regain consciousness.
It was all shapes. The blood splattering across the ground, bodies all two dimensional. You felt nothing and everything all at the same time.
Maybe you should get a therapist. ‘You can’t just keep ranting your feelings to your Jeremy all the time.’ You think to yourself.
“Hey.” Speak of the devil. “What's going on?”
Jeremy had climbed through the window onto the roof. He looked concerned.
“Nothin’.” You answered
“Can’t sleep?” Jeremy asks. You nod.
Jeremy sighs and gingerly walks across the roof. He wraps an arm around you as he sits down, you welcome the touch. You sigh in content and scooch closer to him.
“Y’ mind sharing?” He gestures to the cigarette sitting in between your index and middle finger.
“Not at all. Help yourself.” You hand it over to Jeremy who hums in acknowledgement.
He inhales with the cigarette in his mouth and lets out a rather distasteful cough, hitting his chest with the side of his fist.
“First time?” You ask, smirk teasing the corner of your lips.
“N-no! Just not used to it, y’know?” He looks to the side, bashful. You laugh (more like snort) in response.
“So, what’s bothering you this time?” Jeremy asks, suddenly becoming more serious.
“I already said it’s nothing.” You bite your lip, a nervous tic you had come to develop.
“It’s obviously not. You’re out here smoking in the middle of the night. You usually don’t take this long.”
You give Jeremy a half-hearted glare and he puts his hands up in an ‘I surrender’ pose.
You sigh for what felt the millionth time that night and pull your knees up to your chest, wrapping your arms around your legs.
“Everything feels fake.” You say as you pluck the cigarette out of Jeremy’s hand. You take a deep inhale of the tobacco.
“Whad'ya mean?” Jeremy looked confused.
You begin to shake. Whether it was from the cold, or from your own grief, you didn’t know. You didn’t understand why you couldn’t explain it.
Jeremy must have caught wind of this, because he wrapped his arms tighter around you.
“The world. It just– It feels fake. I don’t feel like me, y’know? It’s like an out of body experience, but not a cool one.”
Jeremy just nodded and listened, not once chiming in like he usually did.
You continued to rant to him, stuttering and sniffling the entire time. Jeremy didn’t seem to mind.
When you finally stopped, you two both just sat there for what felt like hours.
“Well, I can’t say that I relate. But, I can tell how upset this makes you.” Jeremy finally spoke.
You hummed, head buried in your legs.
‘“M sorry…” You choked out.
“Huh? For what?” Jeremy cocked his head to the side, confused.
“For always bothering you with my problems.”
Jeremy gasped and leaned in closer to you.
“Babe, You never bother me with your problems.” Before you could take another deep breath in of the cigarette, Jeremy took it out of your hands and threw it off the roof. You looked at him, eyes wide with surprise.
“Dude! What the hell?!” You raised your voice.
Before you could continue to yell at him, Jeremy took your chin in his hand and tilted it to directly meet your eyes.
He kissed you, slow and loving. It took you a moment to kiss back, partially surprised that he did it so suddenly, and partially because you were still upset that he got rid of your cigarette.
Jeremy was never really one to initiate affection between you two. He usually only did when he wanted a cuddle session, but never with kisses (or anything a little bit farther).
Maybe that’s why it took you by surprise when he started to push you onto your back so that you were laying down.
His tongue slowly pushed itself into your mouth, testing the waters of what you were comfortable with at the moment.
The session wasn’t particularly rough. It was more delicate, if anything. He pressed soft pecks to your lips every time you pulled away to take deep breaths of air. You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him impossibly closer to you. Somewhere in the middle of your session, he muttered to you;
“You taste like smoke…” You simply laughed.
“Man, I wonder why.” You said, sarcasm lacing your voice. Jeremy simply rolled his eyes.
When you both finally pulled away from each other, he rested his forehead against yours, your arms still wrapped around his neck.
“What’s got you feelin’ all confident?” You asked, teasingly.
“I got sick of you talkin’ all bad ‘bout yourself.” He stared deep into your eyes, not once wavering. “I just wanted to let you know that I love you, and I wanted to show you how much y’know?” He smirked.
You turned away, bashful. Always a tease, Jeremy was.
“So you decided to throw my cigarette off the roof?”
“‘S not good for you. Don’t want you to end up like Spy.”
You laugh, amused by him and his words. But when you look into his eyes, you can tell he is serious.
He cares.
He cares about you and how you feel.
The realization almost makes you tear up yet again. You decide to hold it in, not wanting to worry Jeremy.
You kiss him yet again, tender and loving, not pushing it any farther. You both smile into the kiss, pulling away only to say;
“I love you.”
And;
“I love you more.”
As you lay there, looking at the sky with Jeremy, sharing kisses and praise, you feel safe.
You feel grounded.
You feel real.
With him, everything feels real.