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Peace.
That was what Nina was feeling, even though she didn’t necessarily feel like she deserved it. She certainly never pictured herself in a position like this and had spent so long waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because there was no way someone like her - a driven, opinionated and relatively successful woman - would have found herself in love with a man - especially one who had already scorned her once -and waiting on their child to be born in the next couple months.
And yet here they were, her head nestled into his lap while they watched back-to-back episodes of The Office. His long fingers absentmindedly running through her loose curls.
She had been home from Italy for about a month now and while she had felt some inherent resistance initially, she had agreed to his proposal for her to move in with him officially. Nina had already been staying at his place most nights prior to leaving anyway, so it wasn’t that big of a change. And yet it had meant so much more upon her return: this time, she kind of needed to be there. She needed the extra help while she recovered. And even without the gunshot wound, her progressing pregnancy alone had been making life a little more difficult.
None of it had been easy for her to accept, and yet Stuart had learned her well enough to know how to walk the line of support and personal space pretty well. It hadn’t always been that way, but he actually listened to her. And tried to meet her at least halfway on everything.
So, for the first time in a long time, she had allowed herself to feel peace with someone else. Allowed herself to trust someone else with the most private parts of her. So much so that she was laying in his lap while watching TV on a random Sunday.
“Nina,” she heard him say finally after the fifth or so episode credits began to play. She felt her stomach drop slightly because she knew that tone. Knew the peace was about to fade away.
Things had been pretty blissful since her return as they were both just so happy to have been given this time together. To still have a shot at a future that included their son because they both knew all too well how close they came to losing that future entirely.
But they also both knew that there were a lot of tough discussions that still needed to be had before the big arrival. And while she had been putting it off, the clock was ticking and she had never been one to procrastinate on important matters.
“Ughhh,” she playfully groaned as she pulled herself out of his lap to see him face-to-face. “Can we just not and say we did?”
His eyes, previously determined, now softened as he offered a half-smile. “We can wait a little longer…”
Nina took a deep breath and settled into the couch, “No,” she sighed. “Let’s hear what you got.”
He was quiet for a moment, watching her closely and likely trying to decide what kind of mood she was in. She loved how attentive he tried to be with her, especially knowing how bull-headed he could be in most other situations.
“I… I’ve been thinking,” he started, his eyes diverting to the floor for a moment, “about our jobs.”
Nina did her best to not immediately react. There was so much to this particular topic; two months ago, she would have instantly bit his head off for even bringing it up, but that was before Italy. Before she demanded that she and their unborn son be placed in the line of fire, only to have drawn that short straw that involved a bullet to the gut.
And despite the weight of the guilt she felt, he never once tried to make her feel guilty. He had just been happy she and the baby survived, end of story. Or so she thought…
Either way, he had earned the right to have this conversation with her, however uncomfortable it may feel.
“Fine,” she started, knowing that he was waiting on her approval before continuing. “But if you’re going to tell me that I can’t work in the field anymore or…”
“Nina,” he interrupted, “Hear me out first, okay?”
She saw something in his eyes that she wasn’t accustomed to seeing. Sadness, maybe? No, not exactly. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it but found herself interested in whatever he had to say.
So she nodded and put down her proverbial defenses. If he could listen to her and meet her halfway, she could at least return the favor.
“We both love our jobs. And we’re both pretty good at what we do,” he stated simply. “But if there’s one thing I learned when all of this was happening, it’s that when you’re at work - especially in the field - your top priority is the job, not family. It has to be. And that kind of works out because usually a successful case means a safer city, which is good for the family, too.”
She listened carefully, no longer feeling defensive. Nina was aware that his time undercover and subsequently working the case while knowing she and their baby were in danger had taken a major toll on him, even though he never discussed it. She could just tell he was different.
“But,” he continued, looking down for a moment once again, “our son deserves to have at least one of us keep him as our top priority all of the time. If we are both out there… I mean, life has its risks but getting shot at or staring down a ticking bomb is pretty normal for us.”
She nodded and had a feeling she knew where this was going. Still, Nina was determined to let him finish before telling him that he wasn’t allowed to dictate what job she did or did not have. Even with everything that had happened, she worked so hard to be the agent she was today and even though she knew there were some personal emotions and decisions on whether or not she even wanted to remain an agent in the field, it was not for him to decide or attempt to guilt her into.
“You’ve already given up a lot to get him to this point,” he continued, suddenly taking her off guard. “You’ve given up your body and temporarily altered your career path… and it wasn’t the easiest ride but you’re both still here. So I’ve decided that if you want to stay in the field after he is born, I’ll be moving over to White Collar or whatever else I can find…”
Nina was fairly certain her mouth dropped slightly at that final statement. Stuart Scola had literally left Wall Street, loads of money and a cushy, safe office job in order to be in the field, saving lives. She knew this about him, pretty much everyone did. And he was a damn good agent. And while it should be just as expected for the father to make sacrifices as it is expected for the mother to do so, she still couldn’t believe he had so easily offered it up.
“Stuart, you would not be happy…”
“Maybe not but I’ll be happy knowing that there’s less of a chance our son will be orphaned thanks to our dangerous jobs. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to give our family the best chance, and I just think he deserves to have one of us in a safer job, Nina. So I don’t mind being the one to make that sacrifice. It’s worth it. I know how hard you’ve worked and… this just makes the most sense.”
Nina watched him, the burning feeling of newly forming tears beginning, but she quickly blinked them away and took a deep breath.
“I won’t say I’ll enjoy knowing how much danger you’re in every day,” he continued, some much emotion behind his gaze that she knew he felt to his core. He had already lived through a scenario that was just about as bad as it gets in terms of loving someone who had such a precarious job. It had to have been overwhelming, knowing the worry she had felt for him when he was undercover had been difficult. And he hadn’t even been injured. “But I respect you, Nina.”
Still, perhaps it was knowledge that he was completely ready to let her stay in the field without any sort of fight, but she suddenly found herself feeling less and less confident that she even wanted to remain in the field. She’d be lying if she said nearly dying didn’t have an effect on her thought process; bleeding out and begging someone for help, to not let her die… it’s enough to rewire anyone’s brain.
But that alone wasn’t the biggest issue. As Stuart had said, their son was coming and that changed everything. The immeasurable guilt she remembered feeling was all-consuming as the life drained from her, knowing full well that she had put her son’s life and future on the back burner for the sake of the job. It hadn’t been a bad decision, per se, given the stakes and the lack of backup but it was one that would prove to be a turning point in her life. One that almost ended both of their lives in a matter of seconds.
“Anyway,” he continued, pulling her from her thoughts, “I just wanted you to know that. And, uh, I saw where they were hiring an SSA in White Collar. I applied.”
She frowned and shook her head, “Stuart, you’d make a great SSA but, not White Collar. I’m telling you, you would hate it.”
“Nothing is set in stone, Nina,” he replied softly, resting his hand lightly on her knee. “It’’ be a few weeks before I hear anything but I just figured I should keep my options open, right? You know you have a spot on the team, if you want it. Isobel loves you.”
Nina chuckled, “I don’t know about that but she loves you, too.”
He laughed at that one and looked in the distance. “Nah. But she tolerates me and frankly, it’s mutual.”
Nina could tell there was a story there, but she didn’t push. She could also tell he wasn’t ready to go into it.
“Well,” she added quickly, “I, uh, I don’t know if I want to… you know. I just…”
She didn’t want him to think she was scared or anything, even though that was partly true. She knew he thought of her as this badass woman and the idea of him thinking any less was difficult to stomach.
“Nina,” he said softly, ending the pressure she felt to verbalize her feelings just yet. “You don’t have to choose anything yet. Whatever you decide, I’ll support it and do what needs to be done. I just wanted you to know how I felt and my plans, because it’s important.”
She smiled and nodded. She found it hard to believe that he could keep surprising her everytime she turned around, but here they were once again. This level of grace, support and patience was entirely unexpected but so appreciated.
As further indication that he didn’t expect a response just yet, he picked up the remote and pressed play on the next episode.
“Come here,” he said softly, raising his arm as a gesture, welcoming her to return to her former position in his lap. She grinned back at him and accepted his offer. Interestingly enough, what she thought was a loss of peace at the beginning of the conversation actually ended with her feeling far more at ease than before. The elephant in the room - her continuing to go into the field after their son’s birth - was still in the room but it was no longer sitting on her chest.
She thought back to that day she had told him that she wanted to raise the child on her own, a horrible day, really. But she had wanted to give him every “out” possible. She never wanted to be an obligation for anyone, nor did she want her child to be some one-night-stand’s obligation either. So she made it easy for him to feel guilt free. But he had proven to her that he not only wanted to be in their son’s life, but that he was willing to fight for it. That had given her the peace to trust him with herself, as well as her son.
Today, he had shown once again that he was willing to act on his words. He showed that he had a clear idea of what he wanted for their son and was willing to be the one to make the sacrifice to obtain it.
So she decided that, for now, that was more than enough for her to rest in that blissful peace a little while longer.