Chapter Text
It's been three years since I moved to LA with my mom. It still seems like a dream. My relationship with my dad has grown and flourished since leaving San Diego. It's not uncommon anymore for him to show up on a Friday and not leave to head back home until Monday evening. Home, it's funny how that word brings mixed feelings to my mind. My home is in San Diego where I left all my friends and family to escape the suffocating I felt after coming out to my dad. I long to be home again. This house I live in with my mom is just that, a house not a home. My mom is a good mother, I keep telling myself, but she's more of a mother than a mom. I have everything I need and more, yet I am missing so much. Clothes, money, a new car, a big room, yet the warmth isn't there. I thought by coming to live in LA I would be getting all the love I didn't get back home with my dad. The first month with my mom, the feeling of "love" was intoxicating and exhilarating. I couldn't get enough. But then you wake up one day and realize it's a false sense of comfort. My mom accepted who I was, but soon I found myself alone more often than not as she took on more and more projects at work leaving less and less time for me, her son. So is the life of a child who has a parent focused on climbing the corporate ladder. I don't know how many times I would just long for the warmth and love of my mother's embrace. After a while you just go numb to the feeling, or lack thereof. The only thing keeping me grounded at that time was Jude. Whether it was talking to him on the phone, skyping, or constantly sending each other text messages, we were trying to keep in contact regularly. The distance was unbelievably hard, however, we trudged on. Jude began to visit whenever he could. However as the years wore on, Jude's visits became fewer and far between. Our phone conversations and skype dates became more infrequent. I would love nothing more than to hold my boyfriend in my arms every day, but we both knew the sacrifice when I moved. We counted on our love to trudge on, sometimes it was enough, other days it seemed like it wasn't. We cherished our few Infrequent visits, trying to make them last as long as we could. But we would snapped back to reality Soon enough as he would have to leave.
I made friends quickly at my new school, and it helped some of the homesick feeling I had. It helped me regain some normalcy to my life. I didn't have to hide myself to my new friends, and what a relief I felt. I began to grow particularly close to a boy named Andy. There was something about him that reminded me of myself. I would be lying it if I didn't say Andy was anything but good looking. He was and as we became better friends I could began to tell he started having feelings for me. His hints weren't subtle at all, and once again I would be lying if I didn't say that I didn't enjoy the attention. I did, and when I caught myself looking at him a little too long one day I knew I had shut down, whatever it was that was going on between us. I had a boyfriend that I loved and who loved me back. I told Andy that I was sorry for whatever was going on, and he understood. He was disappointed, but understood. It was strange, our friendship never faltered after that, only grew. As the years passed, Andy's birthday celebrations for me grew bigger and more ridiculous. I was turning seventeen this year and he was determined to "have a rager that made project x look small." As I had learned over the years, no was never on the table and I just went along with it all. But as I sit here in the waiting room of Marina Del Rey Hospital, I wish I would've said no. Then no one would've gotten hurt. How can everything get so fucked up so fast?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**Flashback to yesterday**
I woke up, shutting off my alarm. 7:34 am and it was my birthday, I thought to myself failing to hide the smile that crept onto my face. I was turning seventeen. I was lucky that this year my birthday fell on a Friday, and somehow by coincidence or not was also an off day for school. I could hear noise from downstairs and remembered Andy had slept over, wanting to get a jump on my party. Andy had been in full part planning mode all week, I laughed thinking how lucky I was. I had an amazing boyfriend who I loved so much it hurt, and now I have Andy, a badass friend who has stuck by me the last three years. My train of thought was interrupted by my ring tone "Hey Jude" going off. I quickly jumped off my bed and answered my phone with a huge smile on my face.
"Happy birthday babe! I hope I didn't wake you, I know you don't have school today you asshole!" He says laughing at the end. Oh how I love the sound of his voice, I think to myself.
"Thanks babe! Nah, I just woke up. I figured I would head downstairs to see what I could help Andy with for the party tonight. You still gonna be able to make it?" I ask hoping he can hear the puppy dog-ness tinge in my voice. Except all I hear is silence coming back through the phone. I look at my phone wondering if the call failed and saw "JUDE <3" still on my screen. Finally he breaks the silence with a sigh.
"Ummmmmmmm Con, I won't be able to make it tonight. I'm sorry, I know we don't get to see each other a lot and believe me I am dying to see you, hold you, feel you. But I won't be able to. Something came up last minute and moms won't let me leave."
Damnit, it's been two fucking months since I got to see Jude last. I can feel tears start to form at my eyes. I blink furiously trying to not cry. I pull the phone away from my mouth trying to calm myself. Finally I put the phone back to my ear.
"No I completely understand." I'm lying through my teeth. I don't fucking understand at all. It's his fault. It's always his fault. He was the one who didn't want to come out when first started dating all those years ago. He was the one who told me to "leave" after he told me he loved me. And now he was gonna bail on my birthday. Some boyfriend. I was starting to tremble now and I was afraid, I don't even know where those thoughts came from. I knew I had a minimum of a minute before I couldn't keep myself together. I heard the anxiousness in his voice when he spoke again.
"Con, are you ok? Please tell me, I don't want to ruin your birthday." Too late for that I thought. What is happening right now, why do I keep thinking like this?! "I want to be there, you don't even know how much I do. Please don't be bummed, I want you to have a blast. Please for me."
I sigh as I begin to speak again. "No Jude, I'm ok. I promise. I'll be fine, but I have to go now. I'll talk to you later." And before he can say anything further I hang up the phone. I realize that I didn't even say "love you". But before I can call Jude back to apologize Andy walks in.
"Yo birthday boy, get your ass up! We gotta lot to do today before everyone starts to show up!" He says with the biggest smile on his face.
I immediately perk up. Andy definitely has a way of making me feel better. I run to the restroom and take a quick shower and get ready. The hours that followed, flew by as a blur. 8 pm rolled around and people started to show up to my house. Andy had gone all out, two djs, a huge ass slide that ran off the roof to the pool, and not to mention the second living room was turned into a full bar. I had told myself I was not gonna let Jude's absence put a damper on my party. Two hours, four shots, and three beers in I was feeling good. So good I had began to lose judgement. I found myself dancing and grinding with Andy. This went on for a while until we were sweaty and tired. We made our way to the bar and picked up two shots off the table. I leaned into Andy and put salt on the crook of his neck and a lime in his mouth. I licked the salt off of him, nibbling a little, eliciting a small moan from him. I knocked the shot back and proceeded to tongue wrestle him for the lime. What followed was Andy repeating the same to me. Before I knew it we were in my bedroom full on making out shirts off exploring each other. Things were moving fast, when I heard the door open followed by a voice I could pick out of a crowd anywhere.
"Surprise Con! I wanted to surpr-"
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck! It was Jude. What was I doing?! I have a boyfriend; I'm so fucking stupid to have actually thought that he wouldn't come. I shoved Andy off of me throwing my shirt on racing down the stairs after Jude. All the adrenaline pumping through me instantly sobered me up. By the time I made it outside I saw Jude speeding away. I have to catch him. I sprint to my car and take off in the direction Jude just went. I press the Bluetooth button on the steering wheel and tell the car to call Jude. Please answer I thought, I have to hear your voice. Straight to voicemail. Just as I'm about to get discouraged I see Jude's car. I punch the gas pedal speeding up to him. He still hasn't left the residential suburb yet and luckily he is stopped at a red light. I let out a sigh of relief as is pull up behind him. Putting the car in park, I get out and start making my way to him. But just as I'm getting to him the light turned green and he began to pull into the intersection. I looked up and saw the truck running the red light. I doubt Jude saw him. The black Chevy Silverado, out of state license plates, slammed right into the driver's side of Jude's car, sending it spinning through the rest of the intersection into the light signal pole. The scream that erupted from me was primal in its entirety.
I pulled out my phone and dialed 9-1-1 just as I reached Jude's car. Before I knew it there were cop cars, fire trucks, and ambulances that filled the intersection. I could only look in anguish as the fire fighters cut Jude out of his car and load him on a stretcher. As the paramedics loaded Jude into ambulance I begged to let me ride with them.
"Please" I said between broken sobs. "He's my boyfriend."
The paramedic looked at me with sympathy and sighed waving me into the ambulance. We arrived at the hospital in a matter of seconds it felt like. A team of doctors and nurses were already standing by ready to take Jude, my precious Jude, back to start working on him. I was ushered to the waiting room. Fortunately I was the only one there. I broke down, and didn't try to hold anything back. It was 1:20 am, and three hours passed and there was no word on Jude. I was all cried out, or so I thought. I shuffled from the chair to the small couch taking my phone out in the process. I unlocked it and looked at the wallpaper. It was the most recent selfie Jude had sent me. Is eyes sparkling and smiling huge. He looked so happy. I felt the tears forming in my eyes again. I pulled the phone to my chest as into settled into the couch whispering to myself.
"Please be ok Jude. I'm so sorry, I love you."