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The first stuffed animal Neil receives is a blue and purple patterned jellyfish he names Mittens. Andrew hands it to him with a bored expression but Neil reverently takes it and softly squeezes it, marveling over the softness of the fabric. There are multiple long and straight light blue legs that dangle from the main body, whose colors are reminiscent of a two toned tie dye.
“Thank you,” he tries to say, but Andrew is already turning away.
“It suits you. A nettle for a Nettle.”
Neil brings the plush up to his face and hides his smile there, feeling warm. It’s just like Andrew to do something like this and then mask it under words that pretend to be uncaring. It’s never the words that are important with Andrew, but if you watch the way he acts - without fail, every time you’ll understand why.
He’s come home from classes in the evening to find Andrew asleep on their dorm’s couch, the television still on some documentary about the ocean. If he asks, Andrew won’t hesitate to speak for an hour over fish, habitats, the different ways the ocean changes in different places, any of it. He always seems to have some new fact tumbling around in his head, and Neil has no doubt that he follows some accounts online that give him closer glimpses of what’s down there.
He’s noticed ever since the first time they showered together that Andrew likes to linger in the water. He’ll close his eyes and stand still, letting it pour over his body. He’ll wrap his hands around Neil’s body and hold him, not saying a word. Those brief snatches of time together every so often are some of his favorite moments with Andrew.
Then again, Neil likes everything when it comes to Andrew.
He brings Mittens to every game and smiles when the Foxes include it in team solidarity: Matt will tap his fist to it’s head in a mimicry of a fistbump. Renee will give him a smile and hold onto it from the bench, the both of them cheering for their team. Nicky calls the both of them adorable, even when Neil silently throws up a middle finger. Allison raises an eyebrow, then grins and tells him they match, and he knows it’s a compliment and an insult both - it makes him grin back and click racquets with her as they line up. Dan asks to hold Mittens sometimes, and when she heard Andrew was the one to give it to him, she looks back down at it in surprise before laughing, saying that she probably should have expected it.
At first, Kevin doesn’t pay Mittens any mind. It takes one time that Neil runs out right before a game to go grab his jellyfish for him to start complaining. By the time he gets back, mere minutes before they’re set to go out, Kevin is pacing anxiously and then he turns to shout at him.
Really, shouting is one of Kevin’s best known ways to emote, so Neil is never worried. Faced with his blatant ignoring, Kevin grabs Mittens out of his hands and then goes to hand it over to Wymack, who looks down at it in bemusement. “What the fuck is this?”
Nobody answers him.
“There,” Kevin tells him, looking satisfied. “Now, can you get your head in this game, or do I need to resort to drastic measures?”
Neil stares him down and says, “Fuck you,” and then, in French, “You’ve already got my game. Off the court, I’m none of your business.”
For a moment, Kevin actually looks a bit hurt. Then, he looks down at Neil and sighs. “Of course you’re my business. I…” he trails off. The noise of the crowd outside seems to give him a burst of energy though, and he soon rallies.
His green eyes are intense as they stare Neil down. “Can you play?”
Irritated, Neil glares, an answer in itself. Kevin nods to himself.
“Then you’re fine.”
Neil raises his head a little, staring back. “What’s your point?”
Kevin shoots him an exasperated, incredulous look and throws his hands up. “I’m saying you don’t have to be! Not for me to care!”
A jolt runs through his body at those words, and Neil stills. A moment passes in silence, the rest of the Foxes trying their best to eavesdrop on a conversation even when it’s in a different language.
“Oh,” Neil says, lost for words. Kevin awkwardly turns his head away as they both just stand there. Of course, time won’t wait for them; the game will start soon.
Andrew silently gives him a look, but Neil shakes his head, and so the other man goes on ahead of them with the rest of the Foxes as he and Kevin lag behind. He wouldn’t be surprised if Andrew had understood at least a few words here and there of their conversation, but he won’t pry if Neil doesn’t feel like sharing later.
He and Kevin walk side by side through the hallway, geared up and anticipating the upcoming match. They’d made plans for weeks and run through practice after practice just for this one day - they were more than ready.
Neil was excited to be going out there, and he knew Kevin was too. It was just that the previous interaction between them was still lingering in the air, waiting to be resolved. They didn’t have the time at that moment to really talk, but Neil let his shoulder bump against Kevin.
“Okay,” he told him quietly.
Kevin looked straight ahead as they walked. “They’re going to be aiming for you as soon as we’re on the field. Conserve your stamina and don’t be reckless. Remember what we practiced.”
He acted as if he hadn’t heard Neil, but Neil knew that couldn’t be further from the truth. To Kevin, exy was his life; or it had been. It used to be that Kevin couldn’t see past exy for anything. Now, here he was, telling him right to his face that even without it, he would still be here.
They had their ups and downs, him and Kevin. Their disagreements. They got on each other’s nerves a lot. But despite it all, Neil knew that they were both trying.
It was new for both of them, being friends. Maybe they could have been as children, if Neil hadn’t been who he was. Maybe if Riko or Nathan hadn’t been there. Maybe they could have held onto each other.
But even without that, Neil had still followed Kevin’s career over the years. Kevin had still managed to find him and bring him here.
In the end, they were both pretty grateful for each other.
“I know,” Neil replies, mind on the game now.
The tension in the air goes away, and the two of them click racquets, end to end. They join the rest of the Foxes on the court, and every other thought goes away.
Kevin smiles at him, that familiar gleam in his eyes from when the competition and the adrenaline starts to come alive.
Neil grins back.
Neil doesn’t understand Aaron. Frequently he tries to make sense of his actions but only ends up even more confused. The two of them have the worst relationship on the team without a doubt; even a few months ago Neil would have been fine with that.
He has no interest in getting to know Aaron. Aaron is someone who doesn’t know how to keep promises and even worse, never values Andrew the way he deserves. Aaron is a sneering, empty headed fool not worth Neil’s breath.
He still remembers those words. Do you take your cues from dead men? Even now, they ring out in the back of his head whenever they meet eyes.
How could anyone ever think Neil could do something like that? That Andrew would let anybody try to do anything like that?
It was only when Neil and Andrew started being a them that Aaron started to care. Why?
Neil looks at Aaron and can’t imagine why anybody would ever mistake him for Andrew. They’re completely different.
Between Katelyn and therapy, Aaron has slowly started to become… at least more tolerable. He doesn’t antagonize or interrogate him over his intentions anymore. He mostly just ignores Neil, but there are occasions where he’ll just silently stare for a few minutes that feel like eons and those are the times when Neil seriously considers jumping out a window just to escape from it.
Neil doesn’t hate Aaron. He doesn’t know what to call it, this uncomfortable feeling that curdles in his stomach whenever they cross paths. It’s not anxiousness or anger. It’s something more akin to accidentally getting cut on the edge of a dull knife, over and over again.
The rest of the Foxes just seem to accept that they don’t get along, but Andrew gives him a look every now and then, considering.
Maybe Neil just doesn’t want to admit that those words still hurt.
Aaron is another Fox, another teammate and someone part of Andrew’s family. They don’t get along, but they don’t need to. None of this matters.
Which is why he's so thrown off when Aaron enters their dorm one day not looking for Andrew, but for Neil. He'd been lying on the couch watching cartoons when Aaron had come in, making him spring up into a sitting position. Mittens, who'd been valiantly hanging onto his chest, silently bounces down next to his knees.
When Aaron's eyes follow the movement, Neil is expecting some sort of snide remark, but instead Aaron just seems to ignore it, focusing back on his face instead.
"Josten." For once, the words aren't gritted out or said in anger. No, Aaron's voice is calm, if slightly cautious.
He stares back, and so they stay like that for another few moments, the silence dragging.
Whenever he's around Aaron, Neil can feel all of his words dry up in his throat, rotting there. It's impossible to get them out, and so they linger there, haunting him, even after the other man is gone.
"I used to be so jealous of you," Aaron tells him like it's easy, like it's something he's already moved past. Shock stuns Neil in place where otherwise he might have just gotten up and left.
"What?" He manages to get out, soft enough to be a whisper. He hopes Aaron just goes back to ignoring him.
"I hated you for stealing him from me. Andrew was my brother. He was the one thing I couldn't lose.” Aaron sneers, but it’s not at Neil. “Then you showed up and suddenly he was a different person. I couldn’t stand it.”
Neil sits there and wonders what the fuck is happening. Maybe he fell asleep and this is all some strange dream to be brushed away as soon as he wakes. But he knows he isn’t that lucky. So he glares and says, “So what?” Because what’s even the point of this?
Aaron barks out a harsh laugh, still not backing down. “I’m not doing this for you,” he tells Neil, which is oddly reassuring. He’s much more comfortable faced with familiar enmity than wherever this had been heading.
“I realized that you’re just as pathetic as me. We’re so similar sometimes; it makes me so angry. And you just stand there, not even saying anything. You just step in front of every blow and you can’t quit. You can’t even ask for help.”
Neil is struck by every word. They’re all true. And it’s not like he hasn’t already realized all of this - Andrew has always called him a martyr. But it sounds different coming out of Aaron’s mouth. Aaron has no cause to soften his hits, no pity or sympathy to hand out. Maybe in some other life, they would have been able to empathize with each other.
Here, in this one, they’ve both been broken in ways that are a little too similar. Mary and Tilda. Clinging on desperately to the only good things they found. Being dismissed and passed over because no one had ever thought much of them before. Wanting to stay beside Andrew, the one person who never breaks his word and who cares, so much. Wanting to be part of his family.
Aaron hadn’t been the only one who was jealous. Neil still is. He understands that Aaron is Andrew’s family, and that Neil hadn’t been at first but that he is now. It’s just that he doesn’t know how to stop feeling like this. Even if it’s irrational or untrue, Neil is still always bracing himself against a hit when he and Aaron cross paths. They both cautiously put up fences before either can get past the surface.
It was something familiar, continuing on like that. And yet here Aaron is, disrupting all of it. Neil wants to punch him, feeling his hands forming into fists, tight with tension. His nails dig into his skin.
“We’re so good at being terrible to each other, but I’m fucking tired of it. I don’t care if you agree or not; I’m not going to do this anymore.”
Neil slowly stands and moves away from the couch, facing the wall. He can’t stand to look at him. “Are you done?” His heart is going a mile a minute, and he can’t tell if it’s fight or flight that’s winning the battle in his head. His feet are restless.
“Fuck you, I’m sorry.”
Neil whips his head back around only to see Aaron staring back at him with determined eyes. He really is serious.
“For what?” he asks, not willing to give an inch. His lips thin out into a line, unimpressed.
Aaron hasn’t taken a single step out of the doorway this entire conversation, and he doesn’t now either. He stays there and leans against the wall. “For everything.”
The silence goes on for a long time as the two of them both process that. Eventually, Aaron turns to leave. “I’m not going to stay the same.”
It’s the words he leaves behind as he moves on, footsteps soon fading. Neil runs fingers over his scars and paces in circles, trying to think but coming up empty. What does he do, with any of this?
Good for Aaron, going off to therapy and coming back a changed man. Fuck him. Fuck him and fuck therapy. Fuck! Neil runs hands through his hair, messing it up and pulling at it.
He slows his breathing and tries to calm down. Eventually, he ends up collecting Mittens and moving to their bedroom, climbing up to Andrew’s bed and burrowing down into it as if hoping it could hide him away.
He lays there for a long time, unable to fall asleep.
He doesn’t want to think of Aaron anymore, but it’s hard to stop when even now he’s still so fucking jealous of him. Of how he can choose to change. Of how easy it is to move on. Of being able to admit to it all and apologize.
If Neil had been the one to go up to Aaron, he wouldn’t have been able to say sorry at all. He still doesn’t regret any of the things he's said to him.
Aaron hurt him first. (But didn’t you hurt him too? Even if it wasn’t fair, you still hurt him just by being with Andrew.) Maybe, at this point, keeping score didn’t even matter anymore. They’d both done and said things they shouldn’t have.
He still can’t forgive him. He doesn’t know why that gets to him.
(You can forgive Mary, but not Aaron? She abused you and loved you so much it hurt. She hurt you, over and over. She’s still hurting you. He hurt you too, but he’s trying to change. He said sorry and meant it. He never hurt you like that. How can you forgive her but not him?)
He doesn’t know what to do.
Eventually, Andrew enters their bedroom, flicking on the light switch and causing Neil to shut his eyes with a hiss from how bright it is.
“Are you done lying in my bed like a cave fish?”
Neil turns over onto his stomach and buries his face into Andrew’s pillow, inhaling its scent. “No.”
He hears the general noises of clothes and Andrew’s bag being placed down, then of footsteps that purposefully make noise as they stop at their bed before climbing up. Andrew’s heavy weight settles beside him, and then there’s a hand gently scritching up and down his scalp. Neil leans into the touch and closes his eyes.
“What’s wrong, rabbit?” Drew asks him, the tone of his voice saying that he’ll wait as long as it takes. Of course, Neil doesn’t have to answer. But he knows he can, that Andrew won’t judge him for anything he says.
He doesn’t feel like saying it now. Later. He’s tired.
“Want you to lay on me,” Neil mutters, quiet. He turns over onto his back to see Andrew’s face, only to relax at steady hazel eyes and the freckles dotted across the blond’s nose. Like tiny constellations. He signs their question.
“Yes,” Drew assures him before grabbing him by the waist so he can arrange Neil how he likes. Before long, they’re comfortably settled with Andrew lying chest to chest with him, his body like a soothing blanket as it weighs him down.
Neil sinks down into a doze, knowing that Andrew will keep him safe. Held here in his hands, Neil has never known a peace more complete.
Later on, he does end up telling Andrew about what happened. He feels better for it, even if he’s no closer to an answer regarding Aaron or how he feels about anything.
A week after that, there’s a stuffed wolf waiting for him on the couch after class. When he asks Andrew, the other man just stays silent, and so Neil examines his new friend.
The wolf isn’t as soft as Mittens, but he is beautiful - grey and silver with brown paws and a fluffy tail. His little black eyes shine as Neil holds him, and as he stares back, he only realizes he’s smiling when he hears Andrew let out a put upon sigh.
“And what shall this one be called?”
Neil hugs his wolf and lifts his head to look at Andrew. “His name is Snowy.”
Andrew silently looks over at Mittens, as if to ask, see what I have to put up with?
Not paying him any mind, Neil pets his wolf and wonders who dropped him off.
(There is a vague hint nudging at the back of his mind, but he ignores it. Even if it was true, he can’t see a reason for it.)
Snowy ends up just as beloved as Mittens, and Neil switches up who he brings to each game. They both end up in his bed, to the dismay of Andrew; his plushes end up swatted to the floor a fair few times when Andrew uncaringly makes room for himself.
The first time the rest of the Foxes see Snowy, they all ask when he got a new stuffed animal, oohing and aahing over him.
All except for Aaron, who rolls his eyes at them all and moves over to lean against the wall next to Andrew, who is similarly apart from everyone else.
“Next time, hand it over yourself. I’m not going to play middle man between the two of you.”
Aaron crosses his arms and looks away. “Whatever.”
His third stuffed animal ends up coming from Matt, who hands it to him one day with excited eyes and a grin. “For my main man Neilio!”
Neil soon finds his hands full of what feels like a quilt, but as he looks closer, he realizes that the plush is patterned with squares, all of them different but still adhering to the color scheme of white and yellow with splashes of green here and there. It’s a little stegosaurus plush, and Neil squeezes it a few times, dumbstruck by how the mere sight of it causes his heart to melt.
Is this the fabled ‘cute aggression’?
“Found him in a thrift store a while ago and knew he was perfect for you!” Matt beams as he watches Neil fawn over his new friend. “What’re you gonna name him, bro?”
Neil looks up and slowly smiles. “Why don’t you?” He knows it’ll be a better one than anything he could come up with.
Matt holds his hands out for the dinosaur and Neil hands him over. Matt solemnly holds him up to his face and stares for a few seconds, making considering noises. Then, suddenly, Matt hands him back over and grins, throwing a fist into his open palm. “I’ve got it! This little guy will be Hector from now on.”
Neil blinked. “From that story Andrew wrote a paper on?”
Matt groaned. “Neil. Buddy. My man. You did not just call The Iliad ‘that story’. I don't know where I went wrong in raising you, but I’ve clearly failed you.”
Neil snorted. “That’s the wrong book.”
Matt froze. “Wait. Did Andrew write an essay on The Song of Achilles? What the fuck. Why is every conversation about that guy a mindfuck, seriously?”
He rose up on his knees and wielded Hector as a weapon. He bonked Matt’s nose with the ridges along Hector’s back and Matt dramatically, in slow motion, fell down onto the couch.
“Alright, you’ve defeated me. What now?” The backliner was still smiling as he watched him. Neil laughed as he threw himself on top of Matt, feeling himself being pulled up securely as the other man sat up and then stood up from the couch of the dorm.
Neil clung to his shoulders, landing more hits via Hector wherever he could reach. “Where are we even going?”
By this point, they were in the hallway and Matt was still going.
“I don’t know, but we’re going somewhere.”
Neil ignored all the stares they attracted as Matt carried him onwards. “This is why you’re never going to drive the Maserati.”
Matt gently squeezed him in a hug, laughing when Neil wriggled in an attempt to half heartedly escape. “See, you say that, but look at where you are now. Aren’t I a good driver?”
“Fuck off, you’re too tall to fit anyway.”
“I’ll just adjust the seat.”
“I’ll help Andrew hide your body.”
“Whoa now, slow down,” Matt said, grinning and trying not to laugh. “I thought we were friends? Father and son? Teammates?”
Neil gave him a look. “Hold on, what was that in the middle?”
Matt winked. “Don’t worry about it, Neilio. You know I’d never steer you wrong.”
“Hector would like to lodge a formal complaint.”
They continued teasing each other the whole way over to their destination, which was a cafe that Matt had been wanting to drag Neil to for a while now. He swore by their breakfast muffins, but Neil was much more of a tea person than a coffee person, even if the caffeine could be helpful.
“What do you want? My treat,” Matt insisted on paying, so Neil eventually just gave in and let him order for the both of them.
They ended up sitting somewhere by a window, Hector on the table between them. The cafe itself wasn’t busy at the moment, so it was the perfect time to hang out and sip their drinks amongst cozy conversation of whatever they wanted to talk about.
“This is good,” Neil said in surprise after taking a bite out of some sort of apple cinnamon pastry.
Matt leaned an elbow on the table and braced his cheek on one of his hands, looking content. “Aren’t you glad you came in with me now?”
He took another bite and pointedly took a drink of his chamomile tea, still steaming hot, but he had practice in burning off his taste buds so all in all he had no reaction.
Matt smiled and started in on his own pastry.
They ended up taking bites and sips of each other’s orders, and they both agreed that while it was good, they still preferred what they had gotten for themselves.
They went their separate ways with one last firm hug that Matt initiated, and then Neil was left with a warm feeling that reminded him of Andrew’s hot cocoa. In his hand was Hector, left to dangle to and fro as he wandered along the sidewalk.
He smiled to himself as he thought about what Andrew’s reaction would be to yet another stuffed animal.
He’d have to go back to that cafe someday with him.
“Since when has that been here?” Andrew asks him blandly, eyes on his newest friend who’s been sitting placidly on the bed. Neil is sitting comfy in Drew’s lap, the other man’s hands firm around his waist. They’d been fooling around and mostly kissing for who knows how long, even though they both knew they’d made plans to go out for a drive sometime later. It was currently six o clock and they were still in sweatpants and tank tops. Neil wouldn’t really care and had in fact worn just that out before, but Andrew insisted that he had standard even if Neil didn’t, and so he knew that it would take a bit to get ready, depending on where exactly Andrew planned to take them tonight.
Neil followed Drew’s sightline and smiled at the picture all four of his plushes made. Right in the middle of them was the newest addition - a pale lavender rabbit, complete with sinfully soft floppy ears and a pink little nose.
“Renee gave them to me.” She’d handed them over to Neil with a smile and the gentle teasing statement of, ‘be sure to take care of them’.
When he’d asked her what their name was, her eyes had crinkled as she laughed lightly. “They wanted to go with you. Shouldn’t you already know?”
Renee still befuddled him sometimes even if she also made him feel warm and secure. Even if he didn’t always understand, she never lost her seemingly endless patience and almost seemed to enjoy answering all of his questions. She’d never steered him wrong before, and so generally Neil had learned to just follow where she led.
“What, no name?” Andrew squeezed his waist and in response, Neil leaned down to kiss his forehead. Andrew squinted balefully up at him then, which made him smile.
“I’m not sure yet. What do you think of Kacey?”
Andrew pulled him down gently and they met there, lips to lips. They kissed and kissed and kissed, because they didn’t want to stop. They couldn’t get enough of each other; it was a good day for both of them and so their bodies were reluctant to so much as part. People would be surprised by how tactile Andrew could be in the right circumstances, but then again, the only one Andrew wanted to be doing that with was Neil. It went both ways, this yearning for touch that didn’t hurt.
They were each other’s safe place.
Drew reached up to flick his nose. “Do not ask me that as if those abominations are our children. I have no part in this.”
Neil laughed, letting their foreheads rest against each other as they stared into each other’s eyes, hazel on blue. “It’s a little late for that. Besides, you’re the one who started all of this.”
“A fact that I regret a little more every day.” Despite his words, Andrew’s eyes were half lidded and relaxed as he held Neil. The two of them were comfortable and didn’t feel like getting up, let alone going out for a drive.
Neil let his hands play with the short hairs at the base of Drew’s neck, his arms lounging around the blond’s shoulders. Drew’s thumbs were rubbing soothing little circles underneath his shirt, and he let out a content sigh.
“Yes or no?” Andrew eventually asked, desire clear but just as evident was the slow comfort that had overtaken both of their bones today.
“No,” Neil answered, and neither of them were disappointed with it. Andrew accepted it with hardly a blink, shifting until they were both lying down, still tangled together. Their sex drives didn’t always match up, but they both respected every yes or no, every time. Sex was nice, but so was just being next to Andrew like this. It was always a yes with Andrew, because to Neil, every experience together with him was something he wanted to cherish. He enjoyed having sex with Andrew, but he also enjoyed times like this too.
After a minute or two of laying like that and trading slow blinks like cats, Neil managed to sit up and remove his tank top and bra.
“Hot?” Andrew asked him.
“A little,” Neil said as he nevertheless flopped back down and snuggled right up against Drew once more, letting his head rest against a broad shoulder.
The only concession Andrew had made to the summer heat was the exclusion of his armbands. Otherwise, he was completely clothed, including socks. Neil didn’t know how exactly he hadn’t suffered heat stroke over the years like that, but he must have become acclimated to it or something.
Even if the both of them were starting to sweat, they didn’t move away from each other. The air conditioner was on, so even if they fell asleep like this it wasn’t a big deal.
He let one of his hands wander aimlessly around on the bed blindly until he felt the softness of fabric and pulled it towards himself. Wordlessly, he let Kacey rest on top of them both, half on him and half on Andrew.
Neil,” Drew said, flat.
He grinned. “Aren’t they soft?”
“This is the last one,” Andrew declared firmly, voice brooking no arguments. Neil kissed his nose and reveled in the glare it got him.
“Sure,” he said, smug.
At this rate, every single person he knew was going to end up gifting him a stuffed animal, which was mildly hilarious considering how put out Andrew became about each one. It was also endearing.
“Shut up,” Andrew told him before dragging him into a hard kiss punctuated with a little nip to the side of his mouth.
The next time he went to the store, Neil knew he was going to bring home a new friend - but this time, it would be one for Andrew.
Neil kissed him back and didn’t say another word. It was so easy to get lost in each other like this, all honey dipped warmth and the certainty of safety.
Andrew threw Kacey off the bed but Neil didn’t care. He held onto Drew and gave as good as he got.
This moment was one he wanted to take his time in.