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Sam put the shoebox down with a little sigh. Now that's all what he has from his brother. His beloved car, and a box with painful memories. Dean's favourite coffee mug, some pictures and his burner phone. Sam wonders, if it still works.
Luckily, he saved the charger too, so it only takes a little while until the phone buzzes to life again.
It feels like invading Dean's personal space, but he isn't there anymore to complain about it. He goes through the device's gallery. It has only a few pictures. Mostly of him sleeping or eating, and on some, Dean added little emojis or drew something over them. A couple images of Cas, he tries to smile normally at the camera, being adorably weird doing so. One scene with Baby, with a picturesque mountainous background behind it. There are a few messages from Bobby, random unknown numbers asking to meet again. And then he finds a voice recording. He's hesitant, knowing it will just hurt him even more to hear his brother's voice one more time, but can't resist, he hits the play button.
"Cas... Man, I miss you. I was... I was a coward. I didn't... I couldn't say those words. I wish I could go back and tell you. But you are gone and... When I drink myself to stupid, I tell myself we'll... Meet on the other side. But I know. We won't."
The sound of gulping and muffled sniffing is audible in the background.
"It never stops, does it?" Dean asks, his voice breaking. "I'm tired, man... I just want to sleep... And never wake up again, but I can't... I can't leave like that."
Yet another sip.
"I'll leave my phone with Sam so if you come back... Somehow... I can tell you what I should have, when I still had the chance."
Glass shatters on the floor.
"I... I..."
Dean's voice is barely recognisable, as crying takes over him.
"You... You wanted this, Cas? This miserable shell of a man? This useless... Piece of crap, who can't fall asleep without drinking?"
Dean sniffles, but he gathers himself.
"I.. I haven't seen the real you, but... I bet you are gorgeous. Even if you have a bajillion eyes that rotate in all directions. You have lead armies, did much better things than... Wasting your time on a hopeless case... Why? What did you see in me? What made you go like... Oh, I want this package deal of... Unsolved trauma, alcoholism and anger issues?"
Sam stops the recording. It hurts. It hurts too much to hear how far his brother spiralled down into his depression. He takes a few calming breaths, trying to hold his sea of emotions at bay, but eventually decides to listen to the whole thing.
"I'm not okay, man. Maybe I never was."
Dean sounds calmer, almost cold, accepting fate.
"But it's okay. I made peace with it. It's not like I can do anything. I just..."
There's silence for a while. It's engulfing everything. The memories flash back with painfully vibrant colours, Sam feels like Dean could just walk in any minute and pat him on the shoulder, telling silly jokes and all. That's the Dean he has in his heart. The Dean who made everyone smile in some way or another.
"I still have your coat. It smells like you."
Dean chuckles darkly, his laugh lost its myrth a long ago. As the recording continues, Sam feels his chest tighten. There's a lump in his throat, his eyes are struggling to focus, everything is becoming blurred as the tears well up in his eyes.
"It makes me feel like you'd be still here. Just a little, because I know... But still. If you manage to come back... Please, look out for Sam. That's all I'm asking. And maybe, one day, that you... Forgive me. I love you, Cas. I love you too."
Sam just stares at the mobile, utterly shaken. The recording ends, and he can't hold back his tears anymore.