Work Text:
the silence in the room was almost suffocating to leia.
han had his head in his hands. luke was sitting down, as poised as ever, but with an uncomfortable look in his eyes. he knows what he's asking of me, leia thinks. he knows it's impossible. the clanking of the wooden blocks while ben plays in his room, the dripping of the tap, the noises of chewie fixing the falcon outside. and yet, this oppressive silence.
"i know it's a lot, and i'm truly sorry. i just think we should think of what's best for him", luke said, playing with his thumbs. he doesn't look at leia. he doesn't look at han. "what's best for him", han grumbles, "it's to stay with mama and daddy. it's not to be shipped off to learn dark magic or whatever the kriff–"
"do you honestly think this is the best for him? to not learn all his abilities? to be stagnated?" luke retorts.
leia feels her throat closing in. she has always known that ben was different, since she was pregnant. when he was born, he took so long to speak verbally, but he always talked to his mom. he was quite a shy baby, but smiled at the sights of things she could barely see. ghosts.
she knew he was different, she knew this was the only way he could receive what he needed, but a selfish urge gnawed inside of her. she wanted him with her. she wanted her son in her arms at all times. she wanted to see him grow, to love him fully and deeply. she wanted to keep him all to herself. but we don't raise the children to ourselves. we raise them for the world.
she puts her hand on top of han's, and sighs. "luke is right. this is the only course of action that makes sense. and he'll be taken care of. nobody else i trust as much with benny than you, luke".
her voice is shaky and she won't meet his eyes. still, he seems to catch what she's putting down.
"i'll take full responsibility for him. don't worry. he'll be safe with me"
han relaxes. "at least that. but dammit, luke, can't we do this at home? keep him here?"
luke closes his eyes. "leia never finished her training, and you don't understand or really believe in the force. i don't know how you'd even do that."
as if he knows they're talking about him (and he probably does! he always knows!), ben strolled in the room and climbed on his mom's lap. he looks up at her, with those brown eyes that have just that perfect han green sparkle when the sun hits just right, and suddenly, she's not sure anymore.
"benny, sweetie, do you know how we talked about one day you maybe becoming a jedi?" she starts, but at the mention of jedis, the things around him start to float. his little hands flapping so excitedly, his big bright smile.
she didn't need to ask him more to know what was his opinion on his whole thing.
"i think you're ready, sweet boy. i'll train you if you'd like", luke says.
"uncle LUKE!" ben yells, wiggly. "i wan' go."
case closed. her three year old had made a choice. she fought back the tears stinging her eyes, she put her hand on han's shoulder.
"mama les go make our bags?"
and then it hits her like a train.
"no, sweetpea, mama and daddy are not going."
"no no. mama and daddy have to go! mama!" and now the boy is agitated. he kicks his legs and throws his little arms, tears on his face. "mama and daddy stay with me please?"
"we can't, baby. i'm sorry", han sounds strangled. his whole resolve is collapsing.
"don't you wanna be a jedi, ben? you need to be strong. mama and daddy will visit", luke says. he looks just as shaken up as ben is. "you get to stay with uncle luke, and we'll train everything you want."
the little boy is teary, but leia has to admit, he's being stronger than she is. he readies himself, takes a deep breath, then asks her to make his bag.
when luke takes off, she hates him more than she hated anyone in her entire life, except maybe herself. she knows it’s unfair: he is her other half, he just wants to help her son, but she feels herself breaking apart from luke.
she doesn't sleep with han that night. she can't face him.
—
when ben burns down the jedi school, she knows immediately. his soul yells for her, he wants his mommy, he's terrified, he wants to go home. he reaches out to her, he wants her comfort.
she had visited him over the years, of course, but it’s not the same. she couldn’t connect with him in the same way she had when he was a toddler. the way the force perfectly flowed through him, she couldn’t see her son anymore. where was her little emotional boy? who was that stranger? but now her boy, as she knew, was calling her. and she knew, as his mother, she had to save him.
and she throws herself at the falcon, ready to get him, until luke holomessages her in a panic saying that ben turned to the dark side. luke has never looked like more of a mess, not even after his son left, not after their father died. he was hyperventilating, sobbing, begging for her forgiveness.
she's broken. she knows, deep in her heart, it's all her fault. she knows if only he had stayed with her, if she wasn't so quick to put him in luke's school, he'd never turn. she screams, clawing at her face, and that's how han finds her. inconsolable, destroyed, in utter sheer pain.
a couple of days later, han leaves. they can't both carry this grief and pain together, she told him. it'd be better to grieve alone. he cried, he begged her to stay, but she refused. she told him that she’d leave if he didn’t, so he jumped on the falcon with chewbacca, his holomessages to her going unanswered. after all, she said the space is what they need.
of course, she's lying. she's happy to be alone as she knows she's a danger to him, too. if ben, her ultimate act of love and hope, could be corrupted like that, she knows she never stood a chance.
she wants to follow her son. she knows that maybe she can save him, but mostly, she just wants to be with him. if her father and her son joined the dark, why shouldn’t she? what’s so special about her? she is not the ray of light luke is, she knows anger, she knows passion, and she wants to be with her son.
she's ready to succumb. so instead, she joins the resistance.
—
in the heart of the resistance, she ponders what luke would've done in her place. she lived a long life, she thinks. she knows her legacy is safe now. her skywalker legacy passed down to rey, her organa legacy given to poe. but now she knows her solo legacy needs saving.
she thinks of how he used to reach to padmé's painting in his nursery and babble to her. she thinks of how she saw him send bubbles to obi-wan kenobi. she remembers fondly him stepping on han's feet dancing in the living room, giggling. she thinks for how many braids her boy did on chewie's hair. she thinks mostly on how he always had a smile just for her. and then she reaches, she looks for him. she firmly grasps his hand through the force, and calls to him.
"ben", she breathes out, all her love and care spilling in that one word. every good memory, every moment, every hope and dream wrapped in the name of the most important person in her life.
"ben", she calls, and she knows that it's too much. luke pulls her close. and now they're complete again. from there, she can give ben all the strength he could ever need.
they say a ship could never love an anchor, she thinks. but without one, a ship can't safely port. and she knows now, better than never, that all he ever needed was her anchoring.
her only hope now is to be a lighthouse.